Out Of Choices
by Picklewinkle
Summary: After her mom dies, Bella becomes angry & withdrawn. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, & the start of a complicated love-hate relationship. Can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU,OOC. Rated M.
1. Aloneness

**A/N: **Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters.

Being alone could break you, or it could make you better. It could make you feel like hiding or it could make you feel more than capable. It could make you feel minutely small, or it could make you feel stronger, like Atlas holding the heavens on his shoulders. Yeah, strong like Atlas, more than capable, better. That was me in my aloneness. I won't call it loneliness because that implies I was missing something. That simply wasn't the case. I was content to live in between the lines I'd drawn for myself. Who gives a fuck if other people didn't like the lines? They were my tidy, black, ruler-straight lines. They kept the demons out. They kept the walls high. They kept me strong and centred and free. Yes, lines kept me free in some weird fucked up way, and I was perfectly ok with that.

There had to be lines in boring old Forks with all its fucking clouds and rain and foggy misty shit. I didn't even mind the rain that much, although I suppose the constant dreariness suited my mood so at least I was one with the universe in some small unimportant way. One less thing to struggle against, a tiny struggle as struggles go. The lines made Forks more bearable, or alternatively, kept me from going insane. I hated fucking small towns with their noses up in everybody else's business where they didn't belong, the inane chitchat that fronted the inevitable gossiping and backstabbing, the same boring crap day after day. Nothing ever changed in little shit hole towns and Forks was no exception.

I was the exception or rather me moving here was the exception, the small change in the place that never changed. I could see the looks on their faces and hear their veiled questions and their snickering. I'm sure they all knew more about me than I would have ever shared on my own, and it was all they'd get. I didn't plan to stick around this god-forsaken excuse of a place to live for long. I would be off to college in a couple of years. I mentally checked off another day in my head, one less day to drag my ass around this joke of a town, one day closer to being the me I wanted to be, free from responsibilities and people who tied me down to places I didn't want to be or go, an adult who was free to make my own decisions.

I didn't plan to make any lasting friendships during my overcast incarceration, just get in, do my time and get the fuck out. These small town weirdos just couldn't help themselves. I can't count the number of people that took a run at me, boys who wanted to get into my pants and girls who tried to befriend me while hating me for the attention I was getting and teachers that were annoyed that I'd already studied their puny curriculum in Phoenix. The teachers could fuck themselves. So could the boys for that matter. And the girls were welcome to the attention. I didn't want any of it. One would think that enough cold shoulders and icy glares would keep people away but there were a handful of individuals who kept coming back for more. It was like watching Pavlov's dog. I was the bell that made them salivate. Hadn't these freaks heard of aversion therapy?

There was only one group of people who appeared the tiniest bit interesting to me, the Cullen family. The group of five outsiders kept to themselves and I felt a kinship with them, some sort of worldly understanding for not giving a fuck who I was. I wasn't even a blip on their radar, as it should be. They all went way beyond what I was willing to do to keep people away with their ghostly pale skin and chic, polished appearances and controlled masks on their faces. So unattainable and above the rest of us mere average people. It seemed like way too much effort to me; indifference was so much easier.

There was no need for me to even waste a thought on the beautiful blonde girl or the dark, curly haired man-boy. They were seniors and I'm sure that meant I was even less than what I considered myself in their eyes just by being a junior. Utterly insignificant. That I could handle. The dude, Emmett I think his name was, was huge in a scary 'stay out of my face or I'll kick your ass' sort of way. His girlfriend, the one they called Rosalie, was disgustingly perfect looking and entirely wrapped up in herself. Not the sort of girl a plain looking person like me wanted to talk to just so I could be reminded on a regular basis exactly how substandard I really was.

If I was being honest the whole lot of them were absurdly beautiful. They must have had some gene pool! Perfect looks, perfect grades, envy-inducing cars purchased by overflowing bank accounts. Was there anything that wasn't perfect for them? Local gossip had them as a set of twins and two brothers and a sister, all brought together by the charitable hands of an uncle/father who took pity on them and adopted them. I had heard he was as good looking as the children although I'd never seen him myself. Apparently when the average fairy sneezed her so-so snot on me her brother the flawless fairy over sprinkled his magical omnibus fairy dust on this family providing them with unerring ubiquitous perfection at every turn. I grumbled under my breath. Karma was as big a bitch as I was.

As far as I could tell the blonde boy called Jasper was in love with the dark haired pixie-like Alice and she was just as crazy about him. Or simply crazy. I hadn't fully decided which observation was correct, or if they both were. All I knew was I had trouble not staring at them, having to check my jealousy often, which I wasn't used to doing. I turned my attention to the last boy, the one who was alone, the best looking of the three boys in my opinion. He really was too pretty to be a man. You'd swear he just walked off the set of a Calvin Klein commercial with his chiselled cheekbones and angled jaw and messy on purpose yet perfectly coiffed bronze hair. The flawless fairy had certainly given this boy more than the average amount of fairy dust when it came to looks. I wondered if it bothered him to be the only one not coupled up. Probably not I mused. After all, he had the undivided attention of the greater female population in the cafeteria. Yep, being Edward Cullen surely had its rewards.

I hadn't exactly made a good impression on him the day we'd met. I guess he was pissed at me for being forced into working together in biology. Fuck if I knew? He glared at me with such disdain from the moment I walked into the room that I expended a great deal of energy just ignoring him. I'd already been warned about what would come down on me if I was suspended again so I had no choice but to hold my tongue. I'd rather shoot bleach into my eyeballs with a syringe than give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd made me feel inferior. I would not give a piece of myself away and certainly not to a prick like Edward Cullen. By the end of class I could feel his hatred for me rolling off of him in waves. I saw his contorted face reflected in the chrome tap of our lab table and snickered. I stopped short of actually looking for the pole up his ass. What the fuck was his problem? I was all about keeping to myself and had done a superb job of it during the hour so his intense hatred seemed grossly misplaced. It was well within his prerogative to hate me and really, rock the fuck on man, but I'd be a liar if I said I understood where it came from. When he sprang rudely from his chair and rushed out of the classroom a few moments before class ended I was glad to be rid of him. I didn't want or need his shit.

When he didn't return to class the next day I was relieved to have the table to myself. He was gone for the rest of the week and I was more than happy in his absence. I imagined all sorts of satisfying scenarios to explain his disappearance, hit by a bus, jumped off a bridge, death by castration. That last one had me smiling for two days. Today he decided to grace us with his presence. "Lucky fucking us," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that Bella?" Mike asked.

Ding, ding, ding. I pondered what breed he would be. Edward Cullen, that asshole would be a Rottweiler, majestic and proud but a total motherfucker if you crossed him. Not Mike. He was more like a Jack Russell terrier, hyper and clueless and chasing his own idiotic tail. "Nothing Mike," I replied curtly, biting my lip to keep from smiling as I imagined a spiked leather dog collar around his neck.

"You ready for class?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." I picked up my books and headed out. I didn't need to turn around to know Mike was following me, nor did I care to. Eventually my plentiful reminders to be left alone would get through his thickheaded brain and he'd catch on that I had less interest in him than in a pile of dog shit. Until that day I felt free to be exactly who I was with him and he'd have to deal with the fall out. I wasn't going to spare his feelings in even the slightest of ways. He'd only take it as encouragement.

"You walk fast for a girl," Mike noted casually.

Poor ignorant Mike. "I'm just trying to get away from you," I explained with a grimace. He took it as a joke and laughed heartily. Little did he know I meant exactly what I'd said.

"Are you in a rush to get to class or something? I figured with Cullen back you'd cut class today. I don't know how you sit beside that freak. He was such a dick to you the other day."

I guess Mike wasn't as ignorant as I originally thought. "I'm a big girl Mike. I can take care of myself," I assured him sarcastically.

"Good luck then," he smiled confidently. Totally fucking clueless. There really was no getting through to him. His brain must be his happy place, blocking out all the negativity and cruelty of the world. Go Mike, be in your happy place and leave me the fuck alone.

I plunked down on my stool and dug my textbook out, flipping to the page number written on the board and scanning it to prepare for the lesson. I ignored the scraping of the stool next to me as Cullen took his seat. I ignored the soft thud as he dropped his books on the table. I ignored him when he looked at me curiously. Ok not exactly ignored him but I didn't acknowledge him which was way more friggen important in my eyes.

"Hi. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella, right?"

So he was talking to me now? Well fuck him. I wasn't talking to him. I listened to the teacher explain the lab and started with the microscope and slides that had been supplied. I worked quickly, blowing through the scanning lens and low power objective with ease. I'd show Edward Cullen just how little I cared if he talked to me. The cells on the slide came into focus quickly under the 40x objective. The micro focus adjustment needed only a tweak and the slide was perfectly focused. Take that motherfucker!

"I didn't mean to be rude last week. I had…" he hesitated, choosing his words carefully, "a bad day."

I didn't answer him. I didn't look at him. I just slid the microscope towards him and wrote my answer on the form. He watched me, much to my annoyance, before he quickly glanced into the eyepiece and came to the same conclusion I had.

"So tell me about yourself Bella. How are you liking Forks?"

My ignoring wasn't having any effect on him. Figures. This guy must have an ego the size of Manhattan. I grabbed the microscope and pulled it towards me. I yanked the slide from the stage carelessly and shoved in the next slide. A small adjustment in focus and I had my answer to question two. Again I pushed the microscope at him wordlessly.

"I'm guessing that means you don't like it here," he snickered confidently.

Well fuck if I didn't hate people making assumptions about me. I was going to have to talk to him. "Don't make assumptions about me. You don't know a thing about me," I warned in a low, careful voice.

He glanced in the eyepiece and smiled, agreeing with my answer once again. My anger seemed to amuse him. I idly wondered what my foot in his ass would make him feel.

"Well do you?" he mused. "Like it here I mean?"

"Whatever," I hissed. What the fuck did he care whether I liked it here or not?

"Like I said, you don't," he laughed. What an ass!

"What's to like?" I asked defensively with an angry glare. "This town is a bunch of assumption making freaks who hate on you for no apparent reason." His eyebrows furrowed and I smiled reflexively. I'd gotten through.

"Yes, well…" he stammered. "We all have our bad days." His expression smoothed over and he turned his gaze back on me. "And today seems like one of yours." It wasn't a question, more of a statement but it got him what he wanted, my response.

"Oh shut the fuck up. Don't put your shit on me Cullen. You stay on your side of the lab table and I'll stay on my side. We'll both ignore the other and we'll get through this class just fine."

"Testy," he smirked.

Why did he have to look so friggen handsome when he smiled? Bastard!

He switched the slide and refocused the microscope effortlessly. He looked into the eyepiece for the briefest of moments. "So is it true that there was some sort of custody switch that brought you to town?" he inquired casually, like my situation was common knowledge. Shit it probably was but that didn't mean I wanted to talk about it.

His fingers momentarily distracted me. "Something like that," I mumbled, noting they had to be nearly six inches long as I watched them push the scope at me.

"Something like what?"

What was it with this guy? Why was I letting him distract me and why was he so fucking curious about my situation. Last week I was gum on his shoe and this week I was the latest electronic gadget that he couldn't get enough of. "Why do you care?" I groaned. I just wanted him to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Why couldn't he get that?

"Just trying to get to know you '_partner._'"

"We can be partners without being friends," I suggested with a growl. My patience was thin on a good day and at this point I was ready to pop him one in the teeth to get him to leave me alone.

"Well what would be the fun in that?" he questioned sarcastically. He was enjoying annoying me far too much.

"Is this so you can take it back to all your creepy friends that you got the goods on that Bella Swan chick?" I charged. It had to be something like that.

"I don't have any friends." He said it so proudly I was taken aback.

"That makes two of us," I muttered under my breath.

"I'm just curious really," he added. "What would make a sane seventeen year old pick up and move from the glorious heat and sun of the metropolis of Phoenix to the cloud covered back water town of Forks Washington? A lesser girl would have just stayed put."

His confidence was unnerving. He knew far more about me than anyone should or deserved to know. He was well informed, but not entirely informed. "Your mistake is in assuming there was a choice."

"No choice?" he scoffed. "There's always a choice."

"In the perfect world of a Cullen there is, but for the rest of us mere mortals there isn't." His face twisted up strangely at my words and I inwardly gloated and continued. "Not everyone has a Daddy with more money than God or the world laid out at their feet." I rolled my eyes in disgust.

"Touché," he smirked, "but now I'm not the only one who's making assumptions."

"Let's both stop making assumptions, shall we?" I suggested with a sarcastic smile. Perhaps I'd finally exhausted his sick curiosity?

"You're very hard to read Bella."

That would be a no. "Why are you trying to read me at all?"

"You're…interesting to me. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less."

I wanted to smack his fucking smug face so badly that my hand twitched. "If I tell you what you want to hear will you leave me alone?" A girl could hope.

"I might."

"My mother died. I wasn't allowed to stay in Phoenix. So here I am in this shit hole town to stay until I turn eighteen and finish high school. That's it," I insisted. "You have all the dirt there is on Bella Swan. Go and spread it around and leave me alone, k?" I straightened in my seat and focused my eyes on the blackboard behind the teacher's desk. I couldn't stand to look into his eyes any longer. They held some power over me that made me uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," he murmured sincerely. "I know what it's like to lose a parent."

"Well we're not all lucky enough to be adopted by Dr. Money Bags like you. In contrast to what you might think most of us don't have sports cars and trust funds. You don't know shit."

"Perhaps," he offered quietly.

He said nothing more to me for the rest of class. I could feel his eyes on me occasionally, which I worked very hard at ignoring. It was easier than it had been before, now that I'd filled my thoughts with all the morose memories of losing my mother. Her death was my final push into aloneness. When she died I didn't just lose my mother, I lost my best friend and the only other person on the planet who had an inkling about who I was. Like I said, being alone can make you a lot of things, and I chose strong, capable and better. That had to better than broken and small and hidden didn't it? What did Edward fucking Cullen know about any shit like that?

I raised my hand. "May I be excused? I'm not feeling well." The teacher nodded. I gathered my books clumsily and headed for the door without looking back. I could still feel his eyes on me as I walked out the door. It was creepy and uncomfortable…and I liked it.


	2. Fracture

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are **owned by Stephenie Meyer**. I struggled with whether or not to write this chapter in. It's all backstory really, a combination of the books and movie and my assimilations of both. In the end I just felt like it was important to show Edward's mindset and the angle that he is approaching the Bella situation with. **From EPOV…  
**

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I did not choose this life. I was damned to it. Turned by the most compassionate man I've ever known, a man more my father than my father ever was. I understood the reasons behind his choice, but given the task of deciding myself I would have chosen death. At least it would have been _my_ choice. I couldn't bring myself to resent my creator however. It was just easier to hate myself, to hate the monster inside of me. He was easy to hate, pure evil and uncontrolled rage. And I did hate him. I hated him with every fibre of my being.

To say that I loathed my life would be a bit of a falsehood. It was the day to day routine, the repetition, that I despised, the moving from place to place so no one would catch on, the constant state of pretending, pretending to be something I wasn't, pretending to live up to the image my father had of me, pretending to be better than I was. I was very disciplined though after so many years of playing the game, scarcely even minutely tempted by a human. In fact they were all rather boring to me, shallow and predictable. I'd seen and heard it all in my eighty odd years as a vampire.

While my days were stale, tedious, and irksome, my nights were buzzing, ebullient and replete. Under the cover of darkness I didn't have to hide. I could be less of the carefully crafted façade and more of who I really was. I relished the freedom. I took to the forest at night running at full speed as far as I felt like going. The velocity was a high, uncaged and unbridled excitement. If I couldn't find it in the forests then I took to the roads in my Vanquish. Using my considerable reflexes I could easily take the roads at twice any posted speed limit. I was always pushing the limits of my Aston Martin, never happy until its normally purring engine roared angrily. Then I knew I had my speed. And I had my solitude. I rather think I deserved it, partly as a reward for subjecting myself to such inane and uninteresting subjects every day, and partly because I was a monster who did not deserve company.

My family, an oddity for my kind, was formed in pairs, my father Carlisle and his wife, my mother Esme, and of course my brothers and sisters, Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice. I was the odd man out. None of the seven of us had any blood relation but the bonds of our family extended far beyond biology or genetics, deeper and more impenetrable. The family may have been born out of a choice to live a similar, less conventional lifestyle than others like us, but our affinities were every bit as complex and intricate as those of a normal human family, and perhaps more so due to their duration and shared secrets.

When the newest addition to the student body of Forks High School walked into the biology lab last week my world fractured. Perhaps I'm in some way responsible for bringing this upon myself, retribution for abhorring the human mind, or fate's cruel joke, but she was the closest thing to heaven that I had ever smelled, the literal perfect design to my individual thirst. My normally easily contained appetite flared in such an intense way that my muscles coiled for the hunt against my will. She may as well have entered the classroom with a target on her body.

Of course there was only one open seat in the whole room, at my own table. When she took the seat next to me her scent assaulted me. It was excruciating, agonizing, and consuming. My mouth swam in venom and my throat burned with a fire so hot I wasn't sure it would ever extinguish. It was even more painful than transformation.

To make matters worse I could not simply read her thoughts the way I did with other humans. It was much more difficult to see her as anything but prey when I couldn't humanize her with what she was thinking. She was the only person, human or vampire that had ever rendered my gift impotent. I was shaken at my very core, enraged that I could be so deeply affected by a human this way and infuriated by the monster rejoicing in its bloodlust. There could not be a God that would force such a horrifying temptation into my path, not a fair and righteous one anyway. Maybe she was nothing more than a reminder sent straight from hell to admonish any thoughts that I could be more than the vile monster I knew myself to be.

I ran from her scent, ran from myself really. I needed to clear my head and think rationally. After almost a week away I knew I could not allow this simple human girl to get the better of me. I was stronger than that. She might make the monster inside me roar but I could keep him caged. I refused to give her any undue power over my decisions. I would not allow her to keep me from my family or my life.

I did not like the feeling of power she had over me though. I decided to look at her as nothing more than an inconvenience, an extremely poorly placed and tempting inconvenience, but an inconvenience nonetheless. I would play the role of the indifferent, aloof loner that I had long ago carved out for myself. I was better than her. I would treat her as I would any other human and control our interactions to the best of my abilities. Surely I could handle that. I would prove to myself that I held my own power.

She didn't seem to notice when I took my seat at our table and watched her curiously for a few moments. I let her scent burn through me and tried to adjust to it, forcing out my cheerful, happy voice before I began. "Hi. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella, right?"

Nothing. She did not turn to look at me. There wasn't even a hint of acknowledgement on her face. She was absolutely one hundred percent ignoring me. Interesting.

I continued my carefully controlled performance. "I didn't mean to be rude last week. I had…" Well what did I have last week? It's not as if I could admit I wanted to murder her. "A bad day." Yes that would pacify her human mind.

Not even a smirk or a sideways glance. Perhaps she was a stubborn girl?

"So tell me about yourself Bella. How are you liking Forks?" I tried hard not to smile at the girl, watching her slam the slides in and out of the microscope. What had the poor microscope done to her anyway?

Still no reaction. I was going to have to guess.

"I'm guessing that means you don't like it here." To anyone with half a brain that was more than obvious. She looked miserable, her face drawn into an almost permanent grimace, shoulders hunched and eyes severe. Her body language practically screamed 'leave me alone.'

"Don't make assumptions about me. You don't know a thing about me." Her eyes shot daggers at me and I rather enjoyed the paradox of her intent. She wasn't nearly the monster she thought she was, and I was infinitely more of a monster than she'd likely given me credit for. It was amusing that she thought her calm and cool assuredness would stop me.

I ignored her warning and continued. "Well do you…like it here I mean?" I knew she did not but playing along was more engrossing than any other option before me.

"Whatever," she assibilated. She wore her annoyance on her sleeve. It was just too easy.

"Like I said, you don't." I didn't mean to laugh but I couldn't help myself. Apparently I'd hit a nerve.

"What's to like?" she charged. "This town is a bunch of assumption making freaks who hate on you for no apparent reason."

Ouch. I believe that one was directed right at me. "Yes, well…" I hesitated. How to steer the conversation away from me and back to her? "We all have our bad days." A poor excuse for my behaviour certainly, but more than she was asking for. It seemed that my prior behaviour hadn't bothered her at all. That frustrated me further since her presence in my world had been so colossally altering. Suddenly an idea sparked and I had the redirection I was looking for. "And today seems like one of yours."

She exploded. "Oh shut the fuck up. Don't put your shit on me Cullen. You stay on your side of the lab table and I'll stay on my side. We'll both ignore the other and we'll get through this class just fine."

Her casual cursing shocked me but not as much as her irritation pleased me. My confidence soared. She was making this whole inquisition rather easy with the way she reacted. I continued teasing her with a smirk. "Testy."

I was met with silence. I let the task of changing a slide preoccupy my empty hands, lost in thought. It was clear to me she wasn't going to say anything more on the matter. It was up to me to keep the conversation flowing. I made another assumption. "So is it true that there was some sort of custody switch that brought you to town?"

She surprised me when she answered right away. I expected her to ignore me. Perhaps assumptions were the best way to get information from her?

"Something like that." The edge in her voice aroused my curiosity yet again.

"Something like what?" I pushed.

"Why do you care?" she asked frustratedly.

I searched my head for a simple excuse, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of possible answers to that question in my head. We were lab partners after all. Not to mention I knew it would bother her immensely. "Just trying to get to know you '_partner._'"

"We can be partners without being friends." She liked that idea and that irritated me. Acknowledging my irritation only worsened it. I needed to keep her talking. Staying silent would shift my focus back to my thirst and I could ill afford that. I had to find a way to control my relationship with this girl. The give and take had to be on my terms. It was the only way to make this work to my advantage.

"Well what would be the fun in that?" I mused. And I truly was enjoying pushing her buttons. She didn't seem to react in a normal way to any of my questions. It was intriguing in a bizarrely twisted sort of way.

"Is this so you can take it back to all your creepy friends that you got the goods on that Bella Swan chick?" Her eyes burned with confusion and misunderstanding, clearly upset by my inquiries. I feared she would shut down on me. Another redirect was in order.

"I don't have any friends." That ought to make her think for a moment.

"That makes two of us." It came out as a mumble and I wasn't at all sure I was intended to hear it. Surely the girl must have one friend. Jessica Stanley – I shuddered internally – or Angela Weber? I'd observed her speaking with both of them in the cafeteria.

"I'm just curious really," I quickly added. A more pointed assumption was required. "What would make a sane seventeen year old pick up and move from the glorious heat and sun of the metropolis of Phoenix to the cloud covered back water town of Forks Washington? A lesser girl would have just stayed put."

Her expression turned smug. "Your mistake is in assuming there was a choice."

"No choice?" That was difficult to believe. There was always a choice. Why did her choice have to be Forks or more specifically to cross my path and turn my life upside down? "There's always a choice."

"In the perfect world of a Cullen there is, but for the rest of us mere mortals there isn't." For the briefest of moments I took her words as dogma and worried that she had guessed the truth about me. It was uncommon but not unheard of. I shrugged it off and smoothed out my expression, regaining control, internally marvelling at how ironic her choice of words was. "Not everyone has a Daddy with more money than God or the world laid out at their feet."

It was impossible not to smile. I wasn't the only one who'd done some research. "Touché…but now I'm not the only one who's making assumptions."

"Let's both stop making assumptions, shall we?" I saw a flash of anger in her eyes that reminded me of how she'd made me feel last week. We seemed to have that effect on each other.

She wanted me to stop. That was clear, but I couldn't help myself. "You're very hard to read Bella."

"Why are you trying to read me at all?" It was almost a whine the way it came out and I had to stifle the laugh that rose in my throat.

"You're…interesting to me. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less." It was the simplest explanation and not a complete lie. And it was much better than 'Your life is in danger of being cut short,' or 'you're the only person who's mind I've never been able to read.'

"If I tell you what you want to hear will you leave me alone?" I could see the wheels turning in her head and I wondered how much she'd be willing to bargain. Less than I would require I was sure.

"I might." Or I might not. Probably the latter.

"My mother died. I wasn't allowed to stay in Phoenix. So here I am in this shit hole town to stay until I turn eighteen and finish high school. That's it! You have all the dirt on Bella Swan. Go and spread it around and leave me alone, k?" Her arms turned wildly in a circular motion in front of her illustrating how far she thought I would spread her story before she turned away from me. I hadn't anticipated the news of her mother and it caught me off guard, softening my mood.

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose a parent." I offered my condolences sincerely.

"Well we're not all lucky enough to be adopted by Dr. Money Bags like you. In contrast to what you might think most of us don't have sports cars and trust funds. You don't know shit." Her voice was positively dripping with disgust by the time she finished speaking.

"Perhaps." I couldn't disagree with her. She was right on both counts.

I wished desperately for a way to keep her talking for I was enjoying her irritation far more than I would have normally allowed myself. It made the time pass by quickly, not to mention that it kept my mind off of the rigors of my thirst. Her last answer was so defensive that I doubted there would be any further conversation today. Occasionally I would sneak a peak at her trying to decipher if her mood had improved but she never returned my glance or removed the detached blankness from her face. I couldn't even call it sadness. It was much worse than sadness. It was void of any emotion at all, just numbness, a black hole of nothing. I beat down the curiosity that flared. It would have to wait for another time.

She made excuses to the teacher and left class early much to my dismay. I watched her leave, already angry with myself for wondering where she would go. It shouldn't matter, but somehow it did.

"Careful Edward," Alice warned as soon as I got to my car after school. I shrugged and stared at her with wide innocent eyes. My sister Alice was forever overreacting.

"I'm fine," I assured her with a half smile.

"Are you?" She repudiated my opinion with a sharp scowl.

"Yes." My grin widened upon remembering Bella's irritation. At least if I had to be so greatly affected by her then I could displace some of my irritation on to her.

'You're not fooling me Edward,' she thought. She didn't have to say it aloud because she knew I'd be listening to her thoughts. I raised an eyebrow at her quizzically. I didn't understand where she was going with this. She let me into her visions, quick indistinct flashes, nothing I hadn't already seen before. Given Alice's unique gift for seeing future events it was extremely difficult to keep secrets from her and I rarely tried. She was well aware of the horrors I went through last week, of exactly how close I came to killing the Swan girl and probably even more aware of it than I was at the time. She was attuned to me and was always watching out for my well-being so it's no surprise that my battle that afternoon started a volley of volitant visions in her mind. She showed them to me again, images of me holding a limp lifeless female body in my arms, the look of self-loathing on my face, my blood red irises. I closed my eyes and gave one quick flick of my head to ask her to stop. I didn't need to see them to remember them. In fact I spent more time remembering and even a greater amount of time trying to forget them.

'I'm sorry Edward but they came again this afternoon. What is going on?' she asked me silently.

I opened my eyes and looked at her. The look of worry on her face was not what I wanted to see. I thought I had been well in control this afternoon so the fact that she saw me killing Bella again had me dumbfounded. I moved one shoulder up and down slightly to shrug so that she would know I wasn't ignoring her but that I didn't have the answer she was looking for.

'I don't want you to leave but if it's safer for you I'd rather you be safe."

Her mental tone was overwhelmingly grief-stricken. I was ashamed and embarrassed that she believed I was going to do what she saw in her head and it registered in my expression before I could hide it from her.

'No Edward! I don't mean that. I don't want to see you in pain. You deserve peace. You said yourself she won't be here forever. Maybe if you just went away…for a little while…until she goes.'

I knew Alice meant well but I also knew that Alice's visions were not set in stone. They were always changing as decisions changed. I was firmly in the mindset that I would not kill this girl. I would not allow Bella Swan to drive me from the only home I had. I shook my head minutely at Alice.

'Don't be stubborn Edward. You don't have to be a hero.'

I wasn't trying to be either. I had to believe that I could rise above this. If I couldn't then why was I even bothering to try to stick to our 'vegetarian' lifestyle? If I gave in and killed this girl then what was to stop me from doing it again, and perhaps more easily for a less appealing scent? No, I had to have faith that I was better than this, better than a mere murderer, better than the monster inside of me, better than the thirst that ruled my instincts. I rolled my eyes at her.

'You should tell Carlisle then. Keeping this from him is hurting him and you need someone to talk to about this. I'm sure in all of his years Carlisle has had something like this happen to him. Or maybe you could talk to Jasper or Emmett about it? Hiding this isn't good Edward. We can't help you if we don't understand what is going on.'

I shot her an angry glare. I didn't want anyone else to know. It was bad enough that Alice knew. I was already embarrassed enough about feeling weak without my entire family knowing I was weak as well.

'Who is she Edward?'

Alice hadn't seen Bella's face in her visions yet, only her body in my arms, her face obscured by a curtain of long brown hair. It was the one small secret I kept from Alice. I didn't want Alice to know Bella's face. I didn't want to see Bella's face in her visions. It would make them all too real for me, perhaps even give me the monster the excuse to indulge in the fantasy. I was already living the horror of it. I didn't want Alice to live it too.

"She's no one," I whispered dismissively.

"Who's no one?" Emmett asked, arriving just ahead of Rosalie and Jasper who seemed to be engaged in some sort of disagreement. He scanned my face for some clue about what we were discussing.

"Let's go," Alice suggested quickly, subverting Emmett's question before anyone else tried to open the conversation back up.

I got into the driver's seat and started the engine, repeating my words in my head.

'She's no one.'

'She's no one.'

'She's no one.'

I didn't believe a single word. She wasn't no one. And I couldn't allow her to become someone.


	3. Escape

A/N: I raise the white flag here and now and declare myself team Edward. This is setting up something for later, in case you're wondering. And thank you to those who have taken the time to read the story and left reviews. They are very much appreciated.

My spur of the moment decision to get out of biology had been the right one, just as ditching gym was also right. Yes, I was rationalizing but I did not give a crap. I headed for my obscenely old and dated truck that was so much better than any fucking shiny silver Volvo. Sure it wasn't sleek or perfect like Cullen's car, like Cullen himself was, but it was mine and I fucking loved it. I locked myself in the cab and away from his relentless fuckery. I can't believe I let him into my goddamn head. Moron thy name is Bella. The idiot of the day award was definitely in the bag. I was even more annoyed at myself for liking his attention. For a girl who liked to keep to herself I couldn't have chosen a more obvious magnet for attention, the handsome pale freak boy that was adored by all and in return for the unadulterated adulation he ignored us all. Well not all of us apparently. It was like throwing myself to the lions. I was disgusted with myself and didn't want to think about his fucking button pushing any longer. I willed myself to be stronger. He could not affect me if I didn't let him. Tomorrow in class I would ignore him no matter what he said or what buttons he pushed. Tomorrow I would be cold and frozen, an iceberg. With the decision made I slammed the truck into gear and headed out of the parking lot. Anywhere had to be better than Forks High School at this point.

I didn't want to head home. My Uncle Charlie wouldn't be home so it's not as if I would get my ass caught. If I did go home though, later, when he asked what I'd done that day, I would have to blatantly lie to his face. I wasn't down with that shit. Plus if I let it slip that I'd watched the latest marathon on Cartoon Network he might catch on that I'd spent more than the allotted amount of time in the house for a high school student who attended all of their required classes that day. Better I wander around for a while and try to stay out of trouble. With the mood I was in it was more like trying to want to stay out of trouble. Right now trouble was calling to me, or I was seeking it out. Either way I headed down the road in search of something more exciting that hitting a birdie around in gym or sitting on my ass at home.

My truck rumbled along the narrow, tree lined roads in no particular direction. I had no idea where I was freaking going and no real feel for the surrounding area. I'd be up shit's creek if I needed to use my sense of direction because I didn't have much of that either. I tried to note some landmarks along the way that might help me find the way back if I needed to get turned around. After fifteen minutes or so the trees began to thin and I could see the ocean stretching out ahead of me. I was shocked I was already at the coast. I guess I hadn't realized it was so close. I pulled off into the gravel of the makeshift parking lot and parked the truck.

A beach seemed like a rather nonsensical thing to find in Forks. This place never saw the sun so tanning was definitely friggen out and I doubted the water would ever reach a swimmable temperature in the constant absence of the sun's warming rays. There was always sandcastle building I mused. For me it was all about my toes in the sand. The day wasn't overly cold and the rain clouds were silent for the moment so I slipped off my shoes and socks and dug my toes in, just enjoying the cool, wet, scratchy feeling against my bare skin. My Mom always said the sand was like a free pedicure and remembering her voice in my head made me happily mellow. The good memories always did. It was the bad ones that dug in and held on until they twisted my mind and choked my mood and fucked with my life. I immersed myself in all of the goodness that was my Mother and held on to her voice as long as I could, smiling lazily up into the clouded sky. I could see the sun struggling against the patches of thinning clouds. It glistened in murky ribbons where it broke through giving the whole sky a celestial calm feeling. It was trying to find a way out of the fog just like I was, and having about as much luck as I was too. Forks was just like that, thick and overbearing, swallowing you up and weighing you down. Hell. It was no wonder my mother always hated this fucking place. It wasn't hard to understand why she wanted to get out from underneath its draining, smothering atmosphere.

"Hey," a loud deep voice bellowed from behind me. I glanced quickly over my shoulder. There was no way that voice could be talking to me.

"Yeah you, in the blue jacket." What the fuck? He was talking to me. I turned my head further over my shoulder to see a tall, young, dark haired boy walking towards me. He was smiling as if he knew me but I'd never seen the douchebag before in my life. I stiffened, ready to put him in his place. I wasn't in the mood for company. He began jogging towards me at a pace that made me uncomfortable.

I quickly jumped to my feet and turned around, brushing the sand off my ass with both hands. I moved my hands to my hips and glared at him wondering what the fuck he wanted.

"Hi, I'm Jacob." He was still grinning widely at me, probably now at the look of confusion on my face, but his hands were raised up, palms facing me in an attempt to show me he meant me no harm. I did nothing but scowl at him, still wishing he hadn't interrupted my quiet musings and wishing even more he'd evaporate.

"It's ok. I'm not a crazy person," he laughed. He was only a few feet from me now but at least he'd stopped moving towards me. He was already too close for comfort. "And you don't know me." He laughed harder. Apparently approaching people you didn't know at the beach was a funny thing to the coastal folk. Who knew? I surely didn't get it.

"What do you want?" My tone was severe, intended to replace the cursing that I courteously left out until I knew what this asshole wanted.

"Nothing. Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I was just on my way to a buddy's house when I saw your truck."

This was about my truck? "What about it?"

"I used to own it, or rather my Dad did." He smiled a goofy grin and held his hand out to me.

I shifted my eyes to his hand briefly and then back up to his face. I'm sure I looked pissed off but didn't much care as I shrugged and glared sarcastically at him, waiting for him to explain why I should care. "So?"

He laughed again, a loud carefree guffaw that shook his shoulders and rippled down into his torso. Pain shot though my chest. I remembered the last time I was able to laugh like that. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"So nothing," he laughed. "I just thought I'd come introduce myself. Figured maybe you'd like to meet a friendly face or something. Six degrees of separation and all that crap."

"Not so much." Six degrees of separation? Was he serious? I wanted to laugh in his face for his ridiculous assumption but didn't. I didn't want to encourage this dipshit in any way. My eyes darted from the ground up to his eyes and back down to the ground again, tapping my foot impatiently, hoping we were done with the impromptu introductions.

"Aren't you going to tell me your name?" he questioned playfully, unfazed by my lack of enthusiasm.

"No." I pondered telling him to fuck off but thought better of it seeing as how he was twice my size and we were in the middle of nowhere, where no one would hear me scream if he decided to drag my small, struggling body off into the woods to murder me.

"Alright then," he smirked, giggling. Again with the laughing! Maybe this Jacob character was on drugs, something that made you laugh like a loon at everything that was said to you. It would explain quite a lot. "I'll just call you Red."

"Red?" I asked as my face twisted up in ambiguity.

"Your truck?" he explained, openly laughing at my expression now. "What did you think I meant?"

"I didn't have a fucking clue." Unless of course he could read my mind and tell that he had me seeing red. Or that I'd like to bash his nose in and make him bleed red.

"I bet you thought I meant the red the sun brings out in your hair," he complimented, pointing towards the strands flying carelessly at the side of my face in the breeze coming off the ocean.

Way to make me uncomfortable fuckhead. I instantly blushed. I didn't take compliments well, not well at all. Yep, punching him in the nose was becoming more and more appealing by the minute.

"Or that colour on your cheeks," he teased, attempting to cough to disguise the laugh that came up his throat and failing miserably. I turned on my heel and stalked away. I didn't need this shit.

"Wait, I'm sorry Red. I didn't mean to put you on the spot." He chased after me, grabbing my wrist lightly to stop me. All at once I stiffened and froze and yanked my wrist with all I was worth out of his gentle grasp. He froze too, his expression horror struck. "I'm sorry," he declared sincerely. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't want you to leave mad. You just really look like you could use a friend."

"You didn't hurt me," I assured him acidly. "And I don't need anyone, especially not some little boy Amazon who doesn't know how to take a friggen hint."

"I'm not an Amazon. You're just really short."

Completely fucking unfazed. It was beyond irritating how low key he was. Nothing seemed to get beyond his happy go lucky attitude. If I put every good mood of my life into one big smile it still wouldn't equal this Jacob's lightheartedness. Irritating, annoying and utterly amazing. I stared up into his dark brown eyes incredulously.

"Are you for real?" It was the first question that I'd asked in months that I actually cared to hear the answer to.

"The genuine article," he assured me with a smile, a smile so big that it took over his entire face. His broad cheeks pulled back over his teeth exposing a large dimple on his left cheek, his eyes sparkled and his whole face glowed under the power of it. It was the most authentic smile I'd ever seen and I couldn't help but be affected by it. My spirits were instantly lifted.

"You're an odd kid aren't you Jacob?" I noted causally. I couldn't figure him out. His thought patterns were so unlike mine that I couldn't get my head wrapped around what would make him approach me.

"I don't know about that," he mumbled, probably thinking about my statement. "No more odd than you."

He had me there. For as little as I understood about him he likely understood me even less. It was intentional. I didn't want to get to know people. It just made things easier.

"So do you always approach strange women you don't know with that truck excuse?" I teased lightly.

"Every single one I've ever seen with that truck as a matter of fact." He nodded and winked at me and then gave me another fantastic smile, one that I returned without even thinking. "Wow, you can actually smile."

"Shut the fuck up!" I laughed. And then my hand flew up to my mouth and clamped it shut as my eyes widened in shock. I couldn't recall the last time I'd laughed so effortlessly.

"And laugh too."

"Jacob, has anyone told you that you don't know when to shut your mouth?" I asked seriously, trying to hide my embarrassment as my cheeks burned crimson.

"A time or two perhaps," he suggested cheekily.

"Didn't you say you had a buddy to visit?" I wondered out loud, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, but he can wait."

"Does he know he can wait?" I couldn't help my curiosity. Waiting was a pet peeve of mine.

"No," he laughed, "But it wouldn't be the first time I didn't show up where I was supposed to be." Somehow that didn't surprise me about him.

"Would you like a ride? I need to get going but if it's not far I could drop you off?" I don't even know where the words came from. Some crazy happy button had been pressed inside me by this strange boy's smile and for some reason, although I was sure it wouldn't last long, I felt completely light and burdenless.

"Sure, if you have to go anyways that would be great. Do you know your way around?" He eyed me dubiously.

"Not a bit. And I fucking suck at directions."

He laughed at my honesty. "Ok well I'm sure I can get us both safely to our destinations. I've lived in this place my whole life."

"Wow, a whole fifteen or sixteen years eh?" I giggled. He groaned.

"Fifteen," he confirmed, "but I still know it a hell of a lot better than you."

"True," I allowed and we laughed together. I wondered again how long this lightness would last. "I'm Bella by the way."

"I like Red."

I just smiled at him. I could allow his nickname as repayment for the mood his smile had bestowed on me. Besides, I kind of liked it if I was being honest. It was less personal and sort of random, a lot like me actually.

We walked back to the truck discussing the area as he picked my brain about local roads. It didn't take long for him to deduce I was absolutely friggen clueless. After we climbed into the truck and pulled out of the lot he started to describe the landscape in large details, making it a lot easier for me to understand what and where he was talking about. He somehow knew that landmarks were easier for me, and that impressed me. Lighthearted and intuitive? This Jacob might be nice to keep around. I followed his directions easily and we were at his friend's house in minutes.

"Thanks for the ride Red." He grinned back into my truck at me through the open window.

"You're welcome."

"So maybe I'll see you around sometime?" He was fishing. We both knew it.

"Maybe," I half agreed.

"I'll keep my eyes out for brown-eyed beauties with really old trucks."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him, blushing profusely. His grin only widened. I waved dismissively and pulled away. As long as I could see him in the rear view mirror he stood and smiled and watched me. What a strange boy. I pondered seeing him again some time.

'Don't touch me,' was line number one that defined the lines that I lived my life around. I would not cross it for anyone. I'm not one of those touchy feely chicks that put my hands on you for no reason and you can sure as hell bet that I don't want your fucking hands on me. Keep them to yourself. Stick them in your pockets. Sit on them. Jack off with them. I don't give a shit. Just keep them off of me. That's why I froze when Jacob grabbed my wrist, allowing him the briefest of seconds to let me the fuck go before I planned to kick him in the balls. I hoped that he had caught on or I was going to have to set him straight if we crossed paths again. And I would set him or any other person straight who violated my lines. Because really if you put your hands on my body you're just giving me a fucking written invitation to physically fuck you up. It was a tough lesson to learn the hard way but once taught I firmly believed would not have to be re-taught. 'Don't touch me,' was my cardinal rule number one.

My Uncle Charlie knew it and I never even had to teach him. He wasn't into the touchy feely shit either. I mean he wasn't really my uncle so why would he want to be affectionate with me anyways? He was just the poor sap that my mother named in her will to be my legal guardian, the lucky recipient of the trust she set up to care for me in the event of her death. What an idiotic term 'in the "event" of her death.' Like death was a happy occurrence or something. Her will should have read, "If I fucking die you may as well kill my daughter because she will never be the same again." At least that would have been more truthful. Legal fucking jargon could bite me. My Uncle Charlie was no uncle at all, just an old friend of the family, my mother's best friend growing up who we saw from time to time through the years. I'd never taken the time to really get to know him before all the shit hit the fan. And now I lived with him in his tiny little house in the middle of Craptastic Rainytown USA. Joy.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't bad living with Charlie. He was easy enough to get along with and fairly tame on the scale of parental control. He expected me to clean up after myself, but not him, and to do my laundry, but not his, and share the responsibility of cooking with him. He was great about giving me my privacy and staying out of my room. He did ask me to keep the groceries stocked because he worked long hours that didn't always fuse with the supermarket hours but he always gave me the money beforehand. He never complained when I didn't get the dishes done or woke up late for school. I guess he still understood what it was like to be a kid. He expected me to pull good grades, but nothing fucking fantastic. In fact the only expectation that he had of me that I wasn't completely sure I could meet was keeping my nose out of trouble. The one and only lecture he'd ever given me was upon hearing about my suspension back in Phoenix. If I repeated my "juvenile behaviour" in Forks he would put me under house arrest – no phone, Internet, television or after school privileges. I didn't really give a fuck about any of that shit in essence. It was more the idea of giving up my freedom that bothered me. I didn't want to have to report to Charlie where I was every fucking second of the day. I liked our causal understanding about the general vicinity where either of us could be found. The lower the expectation the more comfortable I was. I didn't want to fuck with our easiness.

At least I didn't have to hold my tongue with him. He could swear me under the table and that's saying something. That was one of my favourite things about Charlie. I could let as many f-bombs rip in front of him as I wanted and he didn't even bat an eyelash. And he never tried to make me talk about shit. I really liked that too. He always just gave me a knowing glance, the same one I'd seen him give my Mom a million times that said, "I know you're in fucking pain and I know it sucks." The look said more than any bullshit he could spew. He got that. I remember when the hospital forced me to see a grief councillor that tried to get me to say all kinds of shit I didn't want or need to say. Charlie knew how much I hated going so he always waited around for me so I wouldn't have to go through it alone. One day I fucking exploded on the psychologist when he tried to suggest that I wasn't "grieving" the way I should be. Charlie burst into the office and took that fucker down a peg or two with the exact right words. I remember them so clearly, tone and all. "Doc," he declared, "unless you can find a way to make her stop missing her Mother I think we're done here." And we were. He never made me go back. Throughout the whole process of losing my Mom and moving here and all of the changes that I had to endure he never forced anything on me. He had killer instincts for a man who was not a father through any means of his own.

When I first got here he just let me absolutely fucking wallow for a week straight. He knew I needed to accept coming here in my own way. He stayed out of my way as best he could while I split my time between crying like a fucking baby and rivalling the biggest diva bitches of the world. He somehow understood and never held a bit of it against me. I guess I owed him a lot. He stood by my Mom through the best and worst times of her life and death really. And now he was raising her daughter. I should have known there was a reason my Mom loved him the way she did, limitlessly and unconditionally. Yeah, as far as almost-not-quite father-guardians went, Charlie was up there with the best.

And that's exactly why I didn't want him to find out I cut class today. And why I didn't want him to know about the hard time that Edward the prick Cullen was giving me. He didn't need to worry. Taking care of me was enough for him to shoulder. I was completely capable of taking care of shit myself. I was hoping to avoid any discussion of my afternoon activities by beating Charlie home but I could see as soon as I turned onto our street that his truck was already in the driveway. I guess I'd have to take my turn to make dinner tomorrow. I parked my truck at the curb, grabbing my backpack from the passenger seat and headed inside.

"Bella is that you?" Charlie called from the kitchen.

"Yep." Unless you've taken in some other wayward orphan kid I don't know about.

"I'm in the kitchen." That was Charlie's polite way of telling me to get my ass to the kitchen.

"Coming," I assured him as I meandered lazily towards the back of the house. No need to set a precedent for overly enthusiastic obedience. When I finally got to the kitchen Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table, a beer in one hand and using his free hand to tap the tabletop. He was looking less than amused. "What's up?" I inquired casually.

"Why don't you tell me?" A game player Charlie was not. He was testing me to see what I'd give away, to see if I'd lie to him.

"I dunno," I offered, shuffling the toe of my shoe against the leg of the kitchen chair. "You?"

"Busy, busy day." He let out a big gush of air, half sigh and half groan of disgust. "You can imagine how surprised I was to get a call from the High School."

"The school called you?" I faked my best stupid for him. No need to give away anything until I had a better idea of exactly what he was pissed off about.

"Come on Bella. Cutting class?" He didn't say another word, just quirked an eyebrow at me that said 'you know better than that' and 'we talked about this,' and 'you know you're in trouble.' What can I say? He was a man of few words because he could say everything he needed to with a look.

"Sorry." And I was sorry. Sorry that I disappointed him and sorry that I couldn't handle Edward Cullen and his bullshit questions and sorry that I was a fuck up. But I wasn't sorry for cutting class or finding the beach or meeting the boy with the smile that made me feel normal for once in a really fucking long time. But I didn't want to tell him any of that.

"It's not up to me Bella," he murmured reluctantly.

"What's not up to you?"

"I get that it's going to take some time for you to…adjust…" He ran his hand through his hair roughly. "But the school doesn't tolerate skipping." I could tell he didn't agree with what was coming, for all the good it was going to do me.

"Well didn't you tell them…something? Anything? That I was a fucking headcase or something?" I yelled.

"I did my best Bells but they weren't fucking going for it. They wanted permission from a guardian before you left school grounds during class times. I'm afraid this one is out of my hands."

"Damn it! Come on Charlie!" I could feel it coming, the crushing defeat, the concession curled around the anger strangling the sadness. I was toast and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it. One fucking class, that's all it took to get my ass in deep shit.

"I know Bells." He pushed a slip of paper across the table at me.

"Don't make me read it," I whined dejectedly. "Just give it to me straight."

"Well kid, you're entering the mentoring program at the school starting tomorrow and your mentoring partner is…" He turned the paper back towards himself so he could read the name to me. "Alice Cullen."

Fuck. Fucking hell. This couldn't be happening. "Great. Totally fucking great." I rolled my eyes and ripped the paper from his hand to read it for myself. Yep. He was right. Of all the fake, kiss-ass goody goodies in this whole damn town my mentoring partner had to be the prick's sister? I burst out laughing, because really, what else could I do?


	4. Defeat

**A/N: **Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer. From Edward's point of view…

* * *

I had never been a fan of high school but it had become my least favourite thing to do since Bella Swan's arrival. The situation that was seen merely with boredom before had now become loathsome. I resented the intrusion in my routine, resented the mental energy I had to expend on the situation, resented the importance I had to place on the girl's whereabouts. I tried to reconcile my hatred for the situation with my desire for self-preservation. I had to know where she was so I could take precautions to limit my exposure to her, to be prepared in the case that I did have to deal with her presence. Still, I found it difficult not to be bitter. I didn't want to think about her at all. The mere thought of her flooded my senses with memories of her delicious scent and activated my body in unpleasant ways, my throat scorching with desperation and my venom freely flowing awaiting its intended prey. Yet in order to avoid the even more acute physical pain of being around her, not to mention the danger being in her presence posed to both of us and my family I had to continually think about her. I craved the boring daily routine that existed before she came. At least I was able to be mindless then. Now I was in a constant state of alertness and consequently I found I was permanently on edge, always waiting for the next battle, always trying to be ready to fight the urge to strike.

Finding out information about her was exceedingly more difficult than I had expected it would be. Since her mind was not open to me I had to resort to listening to the minds of those around her to learn about her and she did not make it easy. She rarely spoke and when she did open her mouth at all it was usually to insult someone, never about herself. As I watched her in the minds of her classmates it seemed that her expression was still generally what I had observed with my own eyes in biology, detached, emotionless, blank. Occasionally, when one of the inattentive few that either did not see her clear signals to be left alone or chose to ignore them got too close her anger would flare. She had quite a temper for such a small person. Impressive really. She could certainly handle anything the other students handed out to her. Not only that but she would give it back to them in spades.

Since I had only one class in common with Bella, I had to be most aware when classes were changing. I paid careful attention to the routes she took to her classes, always being prudent to avoid her and changing up my own routine so we would not cross paths. Avoiding common areas where students gathered like the quad and the parking lot helped also. Since I could not avoid her in the cafeteria I made sure to get a table near the exit and on the opposite side of the room to the one she sat at. It was a small annoyance but doable.

Despite my edgy mood I was already preparing for this afternoon's biology lesson, making a mental list of topics that would be sure to ignite Bella's short fuse. I marvelled at the number of minds that contained thoughts of her and wondered if she had any idea as to the amount of attention other students were paying her. From what I knew of her she would not appreciate the attention in the least. Perhaps she was aware of the attention and that was what made her so unapproachable? As I observed her in the cafeteria a part of me felt almost bad for the girl. She seemed so entirely miserable. What was worse was that her misery didn't seem to bother her. It was as if she had accepted it as edict, the permanent and unchanging state of her life. Even though she was the source of my misery there was an end to it. She would only stay in Forks to finish High School and then I would be free of her. But this girl lived in misery, embraced misery, made misery her best friend. What a dreadful existence!

'Edward are you sure you are ok to go to class today?' Alice's thoughts were sympathetic. She could, as the rest of my family could, sense my tension. I blinked a yes.

'Is she here?' I shot my eyes quickly towards Alice and back again indicating a no. The less Alice knew the better. The lie seemed smaller somehow when it wasn't audible.

'I don't see anything bad happening today.' She was trying to be supportive. If I had been myself I would have appreciated her concern. Today it just felt like a vote of no confidence. I rolled my eyes at her but said nothing.

'And you're sure you want to do this?' I wanted to reassure her. I let the corner of my mouth turn up into a small smirk to bolster my fake enthusiasm. Going to class would be torturous, but if I could persevere then at least there was hope that I could beat this, that I wasn't simply a weak monster, that I had a shred of humanity buried somewhere inside my cold, stone body.

The bell rang and I left for biology, Alice's eyes boring a hole in my back.

Bella was already sitting at the table when I arrived. I set my books down and pulled the stool out, allowing the feet of the stool to drag across the floor and emit a horrible screeching sound. Everyone around me flinched, covering their ears and groaning complaints, everyone but Bella. She stared ahead completely unaffected.

I snickered at her non-reaction. She continued to ignore me.

"Good afternoon Isabella." I had observed that she didn't like being called by her full name, correcting everyone that used it. I noticed her back stiffen a minute amount but she made no attempt to correct or acknowledge me.

Mr. Banner called the class to order. I shifted my body away from her slightly, dragging my foot along the floor and kicking her stool in the process. He body shifted against the motion of the stool, slamming into the edge of the table, but she never made a noise or looked at me. Her faithful obstinacy was admirable. I felt a small pang of guilt for the potential hurt I might have caused her when her body hit the desk. I hadn't intended to hurt her, only jar her. I resolved to be more careful.

"So Isabella…" I let the last syllable roll and hang on my tongue just to draw out the annoyance and then whispered pointedly. "I heard that your boyfriend Mike Newton is taking you to the dance." I watched her carefully for a reaction. She barely registered my words, only a slight widening of her eyes. Very little reaction and much less reaction than I had anticipated. I was beginning to feel disappointed. I was sure that she would have denied the accusation vehemently.

"It's the talk of the campus really," I whispered. "I heard Mike say it himself. Something about beating out his competition for your hand. It was quite amusing," I asserted. It wasn't a total lie. I had listened to Mike's crude mind cover many scenarios involving Bella and the dance. He was well aware of his competition as I was now as well. I got zero reaction from her though, as if I hadn't uttered a single word of it. She just continued to work away at the assignment.

"Did you want to hear his plans for the both of you? I'm quite up to date on your itinerary for the night." I was blatantly lying now, just trying to goad her. "Right down to the corsage he plans to buy you and where he plans to take you…" I paused for dramatic effect, hoping she'd tell me to shut my mouth or at least look at me. "Well… afterwards." I chuckled suggestively. She remained completely unfazed by my teasing. I was beginning to get angry.

I sat quietly as Mr. Banner approached our table. "Kids, did you have any questions about today's assignment?" I watched Bella shake her head at him, making only the briefest of eye contact with him before turning back to the papers in front of her.

"We're fine Mr. Banner. No need to worry about Isabella and I." I blankly stared into his eyes, willing him to leave us so I could get back to irritating Bella.

'These two shouldn't even be in my class.' Mr Banner was a diffident, modest man and his borderline annoyance at having Bella and I being in his class would have been almost laughable to me if it hadn't been for his acrimonious mental tone. I sneered at him before I could control myself. He flinched slightly back.

"I'll leave the two of you to it then." He smiled politely and backed away.

"What was that about?" Bella turned to look at me.

Surprised that she'd spoken to me and pleased that she was finally acknowledging my presence, my eyes found Bella's and locked on them. "What was what about?"

"You sneered at him."

"What?" I asked, astonished. There was no way she could have seen that.

"All he did was ask us if we needed help and you actually sneered at him. I'm surprised you didn't fucking growl." I could tell by her tone and posture that she was confident in her conclusion.

I shifted uncomfortably under her questioning eyes, ill prepared for the girl's remarkable observational skills. She hadn't as much as looked in my direction prior to Mr. Banner's approach. How could she have noticed my tiny little sneer? Her eyes and all their questions held me infatuated. I hadn't noticed their beautiful colour before this moment. Had they always been so deep brown? I laughed nervously. "I did not sneer."

Apparently I'd lost my ability to speak.

"Oh, ok," she laughed blackly.

"You must be imagining things." A shoddy comeback surely but it was all I could come up with in my current stupor. Along with my inability to speak I had suddenly forgotten all of the techniques I'd perfected over the years for lying convincingly to a human. I was still shocked, trying to accept that she'd noticed my tiny mistake with Mr. Banner.

"I guess that means that both Mr. Banner and I were imagining things then. He saw it too." She said it so matter-of-factly that it stopped me in my tracks. She was in fact correct but it was rare than any human noticed such small things.

"I don't know what you saw but it's not what you think you saw," I assured her. I knew my declaration was futile. She'd already made up her mind.

"Yeah, I'm sure Mr. Banner flinches all the time when students talk to him." Her voice held all the sarcasm her comment wielded.

"He didn't flinch. Really Bella, you're being absurd." I pushed the words out with as much persuasion as I could muster. All of my plans were falling apart, laying in well-intended pieces around my feet. My confidence was lost and replaced by a fleeting fear and something else that I'd never felt before, something consuming and forceful that I couldn't even name in my current state of misunderstanding.

"He did too flinch." Mike leaned across the aisle towards Bella, authenticating her observation, having obviously eavesdropped on our conversation. I hadn't realized we had gotten so loud. Had I noticed anything at all during this class?

"See, Mike saw too." Her nonchalance unnerved me. Damn Mike for meddling instead of minding his own business. Just because he considered Bella to be his business didn't make it true. My anger swelled. I gripped the edge of the table to steady and control myself, wishing it was Mike's head that I was crushing between the pressure of my fingertips rather than the wooden tabletop.

"This is a private conversation." I glowered at Mike and he turned back to his work with a slight scowl. His internal dialogue was farcical and provided me with some much-needed mollification. My temper dissipated as I listened to his mind expel threats of bodily harm, stifling my laughter. If only he knew just how poorly he'd fare in such a venture. Then he added me into his list of competitors for Bella's hand. How laughable. I refocused my energy, trying to re-engage Bella before all opportunity to convince her that she didn't see what she thought she saw was lost.

"He didn't flinch Isabella." I looked into her deep brown eyes searching for something. Conviction? Truth? Wavering? How was I supposed to see something when I didn't even know what I was looking for? I don't know what I expected to see there but what I did see there frightened me. I saw my reflection in her eyes, my face twisted in confusion and unnerved by the very eyes I was looking at. Was that what I really looked like to her human eyes?

"Whatever." She blinked a few times and then shrugged indifferently, turning her attention away from me and back to her work.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. In the single action of noticing my mistake she had completely disarmed me of my carefully planned scheme, of every tool I could have employed to defend myself and secure her compliance. She had not only disarmed me but she had rendered me a babbling idiot. How could this be? I glared at her now, a deep scowl on my face. That's when I knew she had me. The tiniest of smiles played at the corners of her lips. She knew I was annoyed and it pleased her. Moreover, she was not the least bit irritated with all of my attempts to upset her. All of my efforts had been in vain. She was the clear victor today.


	5. Triumph

**A/N: **Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer. **Bella's point of view…

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I entered the gym smugly triumphant. I'd taken every thing that Cullen had thrown at me and shoved it back in his pompous fucking face. I was elated, no wait, I was fucking ecstatic. I'd spent all morning mentally preparing myself to take his shit. I had promised myself I wouldn't let him get to me, that no matter what he said or what buttons he pushed I would not react. He started right in on me as soon as he got to class but my strategy for ignoring him when he spoke to me was pretty simple. Every time he opened his piehole I started reciting the declaration of Independence in my head. That little bit of mental focus coupled with my determination to beat the putz made ignoring most of his bullshit relatively easy.

The asshat almost had me when he kicked my chair though. I slammed into my desk so goddamn hard I was sure there'd be a bruise. I don't even know how I kept my mouth shut but I did. And then I realized that the more annoyed he became the easier it was to keep playing the game. He actually made my job pretty fucking easy.

I had to alter my plans for absolute snubbage when opportunity knocked. I mean the fucker sneered. I almost choked when he did it. All the teacher did was check on us and Cullen blew a friggen gasket, in a reserved and quiet way but still, really fucking weird on the scale of things you do to a teacher when they piss you off for no reason. When I called him on the sneer I thought he was going to have kittens. It was the first time I've ever seen Cullen, any Cullen for that matter, become unhinged and it gave me so much fucking satisfaction I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Assholes like Edward Cullen are the reason I am who I am. I make no apologies for my behaviour towards people who are deliberately vicious and nasty to others. They get what they deserve. In fact, they get what they have coming and I am all too happy to deliver it. I see it as my civic duty, a personal mission if you will. I'm like the cashier at the drive through window of 'let me tell you what a prick you are,' and I get the employee of the month award every month.

Jerks liked Edward seem to get off on the idea of making other people feel stupid to make themselves look better. In my eyes that is the most cowardly way to seek out self esteem and power. It crosses one of my lines, the one that says, 'don't treat me like I'm an idiot.' When you treat me like I'm stupid it's disrespectful, short sighted and just plain rude. In doing so your crude, dumbass assumptions only prove to me that you're an asshole of the most egregious kind who passes judgement on people before getting to know them. You can't know me if you presume me to be stupid or gullible or naive. If you know me at all then you know I'm not just intelligent but quick. Not much gets by me.

I can play nice. If you leave me alone I will leave you alone. I don't start shit. I finish shit. Knobs like Cullen think they are smarter and better than everyone else, above reproach. And that is so fucking far from the truth it makes me nauseous. So if you're going to treat me like I'm stupid then you will feel my wrath. People like Prickward were just asking for an attitude adjustment, preying on the shortcomings of others for the sheer joy of it. He had me in his sights from the first moment he laid his eyes on me for some fucking reason, working from the assumption that his hatred for me gave him carte blanche to run me over with his better than everyone attitude, trying to belittle me and make me feel like an idiot. No dice you no good piece of shit bastard. I can give as good as get, probably better.

I knew all of this shit with Cullen wasn't over. Today was a moral victory. Tomorrow Cullen would be right back at me again in biology, playing the high and mighty magnate gracing the peasants with his presence. At least that was what he'd have us believe, but I knew differently. I had won the battle but not the war. And it was war, no doubt about it. For now I would allow myself the exhilaration of success and hold my head high. I left that classroom fully intact. No shrapnel here. Only contentment and pride for a job well done.

Gym flew by in a blur for once. I guess I was too busy inwardly gloating to notice much of anything that went on. Not that I ever paid close attention in gym. I was almost bitter when the coach blew the last whistle to signal the end of the period though, because it was time to go deal with another fucking Cullen.

As I made my way to the library I could feel the resentment burning a hole in my chest. One Cullen per day was plenty not to mention I did not deserve to be put through this fuckery for skipping just one class. I bit back the anger that was swelling. There was no way I could simply be myself with Alice Cullen. I had to play the part of the remorseful student who'd learned her lesson or risk having my sentence in Camp Handytard extended. As it was I didn't know how long I'd be forced to show up and listen to all of her bullshit advice on how to be a better student and how to fit in with the rest of the student body. I was dreading every single word.

She was sitting by herself in the corner of the library when I entered and I debated the spoils of bolting before she caught sight of me. She stared at me with intensely expectant eyes, a small smile playing at the edges of her mouth. It was too late to run. You snooze, you lose, and I had definitely lost.

"Isabella Swan?" she chirped. She had an incredibly high voice.

"Bella," I corrected automatically, resigning myself to cross the library and take a seat at her table.

"Hi Bella. I'm Alice Cullen. It's nice to meet you." She was very pretty. I'd never actually noticed how pretty she was until just that moment because she was always too close to her fucking perfect sister when I'd seen her. Her features were dainty and delicate, well-suited to her face and much like her petite and pixie-like stature. She stood up as I approached, offering her hand to me and then pulling it back hesitantly, as if she was trying to decide what the proper mentor-mentee greeting was. I just nodded my head at her. That was enough of a greeting as far as I was concerned. She motioned for me to sit down.

"So Bella, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

I laughed out loud and rolled my eyes. This was so going to suck the joy from beating her brother at his own game. "There's not much to tell," I assured her. Or not much I wanted to tell or planned to tell if I was being more truthful.

Silence.

Dead fucking silence.

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. This was going to be a long goddamn hour.

"Well...I…well…" she stammered awkwardly. "Maybe I could tell you a bit about myself then?" She smiled warmly at me and I stared back blankly. "I'm seventeen. I've got 3 brothers and a sister and live with my parents. I've lived in Forks for a couple of years and before that I lived in Alaska. I'm a pretty average teenager really. I like music and clothes and hanging out."

I stared back at her completely detached. Why she thought that her pathetic excuse at getting me to open up would work was beyond me.

We took turns feeling awkward in the silence that floated between us.

"How long have you lived in Forks?" she wondered curiously.

"Three weeks." Three weeks too many.

"And do you like it here?"

I laughed blackly at her, raising my eyes up to meet hers with a warning glare. She needed to stop, stop the irritating line of questions, stop acting like we were friends, stop acting like she gave a shit about me.

"So you got caught skipping class eh?" Her tone was sympathetic, something I did not expect at all.

"Yeah." Because of your no good ass of a brother thank you very much.

"It helps to have a friend in the office you know?"

"Huh?" Her words confused me.

"If you can make friends with one of the secretaries they will cover for you if you don't skip too often. Or if you know someone who helps with the attendance that's good too."

She was giving me skipping lessons?

She laughed lightly. "You look surprised. I guess you were expecting all kinds of lectures on the importance of going to class and the ills of truancy?"

"Yeah pretty much." I realized I was gaping at her and closed my mouth, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks as I did so.

"Not much of a talker are you?" she teased playfully. I decided it was time to lay the cards on the table. I was never one for beating around the bush anyway.

"Listen Alice, I don't know what your job is here exactly but believe me when I tell you that you don't need to pretend that you're interested in me or try to get me to open up and spill my guts. Just say what you need to say so we can both get the hell out of here."

She laughed nervously. "I don't actually have a particular script that I have to say to you. It's more a matter of making sure you're getting settled in at the school, answering any questions you might have about classes or teachers or the campus and just generally making you feel welcome. I just thought that maybe you could use a friend, or at the very least that we could get to know one another a little bit since we have a week to spend together. If you'd rather talk up the latest makeup trends or the war in the Middle East or tell me about the last time you made a ginormous fool of yourself then go for it. I'm all ears." And then she fucking smiled at me, a big happy smile that made me want to punch her because somehow freak boy's pale-faced pixie sister was making me feel comfortable with her against my will.

I scowled at her and groaned. "A week?"

"Yep, five glorious days together," she said sarcastically. It made me laugh out loud. At least she wasn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows.

I couldn't help my curiosity. "What's your deal?"

"My deal? Well…" She hesitated, thinking about my questions before she answered it. At least she wasn't as big a douche bag as her brother and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn't an idiot. "Nothing too horrible or devious really. I just like to help people, my way of giving back I suppose. The extra credit for my college apps doesn't hurt either." She looked down at the tabletop for a moment and added quietly, "I don't have many friends and this sort of seemed like a good way to maybe make some."

"How's that working out for you?" I asked, biting my lip to stifle the laugh that threatened to emerge. I found it difficult to believe that Alice Cullen was in want of any friends. She had her brothers and sister and her boyfriend. They all seemed pretty tight. Not much room in there for girlfriends.

"Not so great," she admitted with a smirk. "But I don't let that stop me from trying," she added thoughtfully. There was something in her face that I recognized, a calmness or trueness that said more than her words could.

"It's a small town thing I think," I suggested quietly, staring down at my fidgeting hands. "People born in small towns just aren't normal." I felt more vulnerable with each passing moment, vacillating between wishing I'd kept my mouth shut and not wanting to elaborate beyond what I'd already said. "But I say fuck 'em."

Her eyes popped open wide at my choice of words and I laughed right at her. She was obviously not used to cursing.

"Fuck whom?" she asked. The word sounded funny coming from her mouth. It lost all of its punch and anger. It may as well have been a name or a place.

"Everybody. Anybody. All of them. None of them." I shrugged indifferently. I doubted she understood my apathy, likely never having been apathetic in her life. She probably thought I was being vague on purpose, dragging my feet to avoid giving her a more specific answer.

"You don't have any friends?" Her tone was so unassuming it threw me. There was none of the arrogance and brazenness her brother always displayed.

"No."

"And you don't want any?" She seemed genuinely shocked by my indifference. Compared to Prickward this girl was way too easy to shock. I shrugged again.

"Don't you get lonely?" Her eyes darted to mine for a second and then to the tabletop. I think she knew she was asking a very personal question of sorts, maybe realized that she'd crossed a line.

"No."

"Never?" She stared at me incredulously and I wondered if she was thinking of her family. Judging by the skeptical look on her face I was betting that she was even closer with her family that I initially thought.

"Not really," I suggested. It was easier not to need anyone. Less to lose.

"You must be close with your family then?" Ah yes, she was definitely very close with her family.

"Not so much." Obviously the gossip that I thought was so wide spread regarding my family situation hadn't reached Alice Cullen's ears, or maybe it had and she was playing stupid. She didn't seem the type though. I guess it was sort of natural for her to assume that my lack of desire for friends at school meant that those needs were filled at home instead. But you can't be close with something you don't have.

"Seriously? Geez I don't know what I'd do without my family. We all really depend on one another." I tried to picture how on Earth Alice might depend on her fucktard of a brother. It was unfathomable. I could easily see how Prickward might need Alice but not the other way around.

"I depend on myself." She smiled understandingly at me. She couldn't know the depth of my statement and I didn't explain myself further.

She glanced down at her watch. "Wow, it's time to go already. Same time, same place tomorrow?" I wanted to roll my eyes at her enthusiasm but stopped myself. She was putting me out of my misery. Far be it from me to complain.

"Can't we just say we met? I won't tell if you don't!"

"You are a little delinquent aren't you? I dare say that you could be a bad influence on me Bella Swan." She giggled for a moment before continuing. "But we do have to meet…although it doesn't have to be here in the library. We could meet at your house if that's easier or more comfortable for you. Or the mall?" She smirked sideways at me and added, "but you don't exactly look like the mall type."

I smiled at her observation. And then something struck me odd with respect to her statement. "What about your house?" I inquired. You couldn't pay me to go there but I found her omission strangely curious.

"Too much traffic," she laughed. "Besides, my brothers would drive you nuts. They're pigs."

I snickered at her choice of words. If she only knew how many names I'd called her brother. Pig was like a compliment in comparison. "Same time, same place then I guess."

"I look forward to it."

I couldn't stop myself this time and rolled my eyes at her. Why the fuck she would look forward to another hour passed in random conversational boredom was beyond me but so be it. I could certainly think of a hundred more interesting things to do. Maybe I'd have to suggest a few tomorrow.

Alice Cullen was nothing like I expected she would be and I couldn't be happier that she wasn't anything like her tool of a brother. Having to spend five days with Alice sucked hardcore but my situation could be so much worse. It could have been five days one on one with her asshole brother. We would have passed the hour each day trying to piss one another off through insults, button pushing and irritation, sixty minutes of intense anger mismanagement. Maybe Prickward would have even learned a thing or two from me by the end of it. At the very least I could have handed his ass back to him like I did today. The thought cheered me. If Edward Cullen was death by irritation, Alice Cullen was death by chocolate, a much more delicious and enjoyable way to go. Yes, if I was forced to spend time with someone it could be much worse than Alice Cullen.

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I just wanted to thank those who have taken a moment to review. It's so appreciated. It's inspiring to know someone out there is enjoying the story. So if you're so inclined, take a minute and leave some love :)


	6. Discernment

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all characters related to Twilight.

I've tried to keep up on replying to reviews for those who allow replies. I hope I haven't doubled up on or forgotten any but if I have then please accept my apologies**.**

**From Edward's point of view…  


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I couldn't bear the thought of being locked up in another classroom. I was so consumed by my anger and emotions that I felt like I could lose control at any second. It wasn't safe for me to be around humans anymore. I needed to get away and clear my head. I found Emmett in the hallway outside of our Spanish class and stopped only briefly in the hallway to flip him my keys.

"What's up bro?" he inquired casually.

"Nothing," I grumbled. "I just have to go. Tell our teacher I was ill and drive everybody home, ok? Oh, and Alice has that mentoring thing after school so someone will need to come back and get her."

'You ok?' he asked me silently, his expression worried.

I shook my head and took off. I didn't want to explain any further. I don't think I could have for I didn't understand much of it myself. And I couldn't stop to try and put it in to words. No amount of support from my brother would soothe my nerves at this point. I needed to be alone, to find a way to reorganize my thoughts and let off some steam, and a good run would surely do that for me. I begrudgingly ordered my legs to walk at a human pace towards the parking lot. With each step closer to the forest my mask of humanity became more uncomfortable. The forest called to me. The hard cement pavement pressed against the soles of my feet uncomfortably. As soon as the softness of the forest floor was underfoot I could feel my control dissolving and the moment I was sure that I could not be seen from the school I allowed my feet to take me into the speed that I so urgently needed.

I was halfway to Seattle by the time I allowed myself to slow, before I felt alone enough to stop and abated enough to consider the events of the afternoon. My exchange with Bella had left me excessively agitated and confused. I was more of a mess emotionally today than I had been physiologically the day we first crossed paths. The physiological symptoms from that first day were agonizing and painful but logical, because Bella's blood appealed to me in such a piercing and violently intense way. But the emotional tumult I found myself currently in was completely illogical. This girl was nothing to me, no better than an annoyance and yet I found myself almost smothered by a multitude of emotions, anger and irritation and confusion and even some phantom emotion that I had yet to name. How was it possible that she could elicit not just these emotions but do so with such strength and potency as to overwhelm my sensibility?

And she was so curiously unaffected by it all! It was infuriating! None of my attempts at manipulation had brought forth anything of consequence. In fact there was not really any response at all from her. I questioned whether or not I had studied Bella's habits closely enough. Perhaps I had to delve deeper into her psyche to get at the things that really bothered her? Or was this simply a case of emotional incapability? Conceivably something could have happened in her past that had emotionally stunted her or even rendered her wholly incapable of feeling emotion at all. While that certainly seemed to be the way she reacted with regard to me, I had seen her get angry with other students. Surely she was capable of other emotions besides anger even if I hadn't seen them with my own eyes. The realization only left me with more questions.

I began to ponder what she had made me feel today. Anger was most certainly one of the emotions. I was angry that I could not get a response from her, angry that she was able to ignore me so thoroughly yet somehow manage to note my small mistake with Mr. Banner, angry that Mike had interrupted us, and angry that I had lost the game. My anger at her lack of response was one in the same with my anger at losing the game to her. It was based more on control than sense. I simply did not like to lose and it didn't happen very often. My brothers would attest to that. Of course my brothers had always accused me of cheating because I was able to read their minds the moment they decided a move and correct my own strategy accordingly. Bella's closed mind did not afford me the normal advantages I was used to in this department.

My anger at Mike's disruption was similar to my anger towards Bella ignoring me so entirely. Mike's interruption had prevented me from securing Bella's attention exclusively, and Bella's ability to so fully ignore me had kept me from securing the attention that I sought from her at all. So basically I was angry because I didn't get the attention I was seeking from Bella and because I had lost the game. The problem became crystal clear. I was a two-year-old child, or at least had the emotions of a two year old. The confusion and irritation were simply side effects of the loss. My anger shifted inwards. There was no one to be angry with but myself. Imbecile didn't seem like a strong enough derogation to use. Only a callow and stupid man would allow himself to be manipulated as I had done and by the single biggest danger in my existence. It was more than pathetic. There was no excuse for it.

Keeping Bella safe from me seemed to be evolving into something increasingly more complicated. My control had slipped. My mask had slipped. My survival skills had crashed and burned with so little effort on Bella's part that I was almost embarrassed by it. I needed all of these tools and more if I had any hope of succeeding at keeping her alive. I needed more understanding of the entire situation, not just of the things I was feeling but also of Bella Swan herself, and I had no clue how to get what I needed. Her secrets were tightly bound in the depths of her mind and her mind was completely closed off from everyone, including me. There were no sisters or brothers I was aware of that I could go to for information. I knew nothing of her family situation. I vowed to look into it further. Someone from somewhere in the timeline of Bella's life would have to know some of her well-protected secrets. I might have to be cunning, I might have to be cruel but I would get to the bottom of it. After all, killing the girl was certainly crueller than dredging up her past.

But what of the other emotion that I had felt so profoundly, the one that felt so strangely new and unfamiliar, the one that I did not understand? Perchance it was tied to the anger brought on by Bella's superb observational skills. I couldn't decide if I was truly angry with Bella for noticing my slip up or angry with myself for making the mistake in the first place. Likely it was a little bit of both. Above everyone else I had to be on guard around her. There was no room for error and allowing her to see me lose control for even the briefest of moments was indeed a grave error. I could not allow it to happen again. I suppose it was unreasonable for me to assume that she would be like other humans with respect to observations. She was unlike any other human I had come across in so many ways. Her keen awareness was just another illustration of Bella's bizarrely unique station in my life.

So how had she made me feel - uncertain, unskilful, gauche, exposed. Perhaps the notion of exposition was important here? Did her considerable observational skills make me feel fearful that she might figure out what I was? No, even for her that seemed highly unlikely. It had to be more than exposure that had me reeling. Was I just a poor sport, lamenting over having lost for the first time? It didn't think so. It felt like more than that. After all, the bottom line was controlling my thirst. Beyond controlling the girl's actions during our class together to aid in that end I had no want to control the girl. I had no want to be around the girl whatsoever. I was forced into thinking about her for preparation's sake. It's not as if I was allowing myself to daydream about what she would taste like or how I might outwit her to kill her. In fact it was the exact opposite. I only wanted to outwit her to keep us both safe. It was her manipulation that was keeping me from doing so.

It was a first to have fallen prey to manipulation though. I'd never experienced it before. It just wasn't possible until Bella, what with my gift for reading thoughts. Not that I was entirely dependent on my gift either. My kind were notoriously smart, observant and quick and I was no exception. It was admirable really to posses such skills that would circumvent someone as intelligent as myself.

I was suddenly uncomfortable and realized that the same fleeting fear that had predisposed the unknown emotion was creeping back up on me. I took a deep breath and relaxed, easing myself into the fear instead of fighting it, allowing it to over take me completely. The fear gave way and I was left with an image of light filling my mind. I struggled to understand it and to apply it to Bella's manipulation. Filtering out the feelings of uncertainty and awkwardness that her manipulation had instilled in me, a number of things became clear. She was the first human that I had ever encountered that took such a concerted effort on my behalf to deal with. She was certainly the first human to ever make me feel anything richer than boredom or disdain. And without a doubt she was the only human who had ever beat me at my own game. As I examined the newness, rawness and strength of emotion this girl had wrought in me something clicked. Perhaps that was the crux of it? Not the emotions that she had made me feel but the fact that she had made me feel anything at all? The vexing disruption in my life that was Bella Swan had somehow made me feel, feel beyond the bounds of my kind, feel something I had long ago feared lost, my own humanity. Bella may be a vexation and she may be a disruption, but she was also a salvation of sorts. And the unnamed emotion I was drowning in? Awe.

My latest revelation left me even more unsettled. The duplicity of being in awe of the girl's ability to make me feel human again and of loathing the desperate desire for her blood could not be resolved to any peaceful satisfaction. My mood was impossibly more edgy and foul than it had been earlier in the day. I hid away in my room, wishing to keep to myself until I more fully understood the situation and how to handle it. It's not that my family wouldn't be supportive or even helpful in some cases, more that I could not resist the strong inclination to remain reticent in the matter. Bella was an enigma and as hard as I tried to be disinterested in her I was anything but. It was almost a perverse game of torture now, one that seemed to be endlessly more complicated with each passing second.

I waited alone for darkness to set in and steal the safety and brightness of the human world. I needed to befriend the shadows to achieve my goals tonight. I had spent much of the last hour rationalizing what I was about to do. It was all rather preposterous really considering the many crimes I had committed during my lifetime. Breaking and entering was hardly a crime at all relative to some of the atrocities I had been privy to. It was more the reason behind the crime that I was rationalizing - that I was stooping to illegal means to gain information on a girl I wanted to murder. I could dress it up any way I wished but that was in essence what I was after. I sighed, disgusted with myself, but that didn't stop me from slinking off into the night once I was satisfied that the darkness was thick enough.

I didn't bother with my car. It would only alert my family to my errand thus opening myself up for a multitude of questions I did not wish to answer. I would rather say nothing than lie to them outrightly. I made my way back to the school through the forest. The building that housed the office was almost completely darkened. I was pleased, as it would make my job simpler. I went around behind the building and away from any traffic on the street so my privacy would be assured. The large metal door was locked. The gentleman in me checked before I proceeded to snap the lock with my hands. It was just easier and less messy than breaking a window. I had the strength. Why not use it?

I wasted no time seeking out the filing cabinets and scanning the drawers for 'S.' I had to know. This was the only way. After blowing out one long breath I opened the drawer and ran my fingers over the tabs as my eyes perused the names. It wasn't difficult to find, located right between Lorraine Stanton and Adam Sweetin. I was disgusted with myself but pulled the folder out and opened it anyway.

The words flew by my greedy eyes as I set all of the details of Bella's scholastic career into my memory, her achievements – grade point averages and dean's list appointments and recommendations of character, and her failures – detentions, countless unaccounted for absences and a suspension for fighting. Her life had seemingly done a complete reversal, from top of the class to bottom of the barrel, but due to what? I read further. It was all there in black and white, tens of notes from concerned teachers chronicling Bella's downward spiral. It started with phrases like "no longer participating in class" and "disinterested in school activities" and moved on to "inattentive" and "uncommunicative" and "nonreactive behaviour." There were multiple recommendations for counselling that characterized her as combative and angry. That was the Bella Swan I knew. What had changed her into that?

My hands anxiously flipped the pages of the file searching for the psychologist's notes. Did I really want to find them? I had never felt like a bigger cad in my life. I reminded myself that this was for both our goods, for my livelihood and her life and while it alleviated little of my guilt it gave me the determination to go on. My eyes fell upon a single page of parchment that stood out from the other plainer printed pages. It reminded me of stationary I had seen amongst Carlisle's things, sheets he used for doctor's notes, the information I had been looking for.

"_Bella is a complex, intelligent girl who is reeling from the loss of her mother. Her behaviour is well with the normal range of what is expected from a child who has lost a parent to terminal disease. Her anger is vast and intense but understandable as her relationship with the deceased was the singular defining relationship of her life. Her father died in her infancy and she has no other family. While she has accepted the reality of her mother's death I do not believe that the consequences of her death have fully hit yet. Upon reading family histories, school records and interviews with Bella I must conclude that she is not past the worst of her grieving yet. The amount of time required for her recovery is undetermined. I believe that only time and patience will aid in Bella's success in coming to terms with her loss. I would recommend further counselling once she is resettled with her uncle." _

I blinked disbelievingly at the sheet in front of me dated almost three months prior to today's date. Bella had still not yet come out of the anger phase of grieving. I simultaneously struggled to understand her profound loss and accept the resulting self-hatred for how I would exploit the information. Surely there was nothing more evil and ruthless than to manipulate pain of such a personal and deep magnitude. The irony was not lost on me, that I was willing to inflict malevolent and iniquitous pain on the girl to avoid killing her, a misery that would likely burn far worse than the pain of death. That in order to prove to myself that I was not just a monster ruled by its bloodlust that I was willing to become a different monster, something so heinous and nefarious as to obliterate the feelings of someone else just to prove a point. Killing her would be far more just than what I was about to do.

I replaced the contents of the folder and placed the folder into the drawer. I left no trace of ever having been there and skulked away into the darkness. The cover of night could not hide my shame. I argued with myself for most of the night. Was I even capable of such treachery? There had to be another way. I endlessly searched my mind for the elusive course of action that would relieve me of the horrible schemes that plagued my thoughts. I saw her face in my mind, the blankness of her expression, the nothingness, the detached manner with which she conducted her day-to-day activities. Was I willing to replace Bella's numbness with the most severe of misery? Was I willing to absolutely crush my opponent to ensure a victory? I did not know the answer to that question.

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Again, thank you to those who have taken the time to leave a review. They are greatly appreciated. I like hearing what you guys like and dislike about the story. So please, if you can take a minute a leave a review that would be great :)


	7. Attachments

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all characters related to Twilight.

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My plan had worked so well yesterday that I was sticking with it. Ignore Prickward no matter what, unless the opportunity to knock him down a peg came representing. Then he was mine for the taking. I was almost cheerful on my way to biology, ready, willing and able to take on King Edward the No-Hearted. Truthfully, I was looking forward to it. Something was seriously wrong with me if I was cheered by the idea of ignoring a dickhead while patiently waiting for the chance to make an ass of him. This town must be getting to me.

He beat me to class and was already sitting at our table by the time I sat down. He didn't acknowledge me even the slightest bit when I took my seat. In fact he hadn't even as much as looked at me sideways by the time Mr. Banner called the class to order and I was a little pissed. I was in the mood for some carnage. Can't a girl even depend on a guy to be an asshole when she needed him to be?

I decided I could allow myself one glance in his direction. One tiny look couldn't hurt, so I turned and stole a glance. He was staring at the front of the room but looked as if he wasn't really seeing anything, like he was deep in thought or something. He didn't really look like himself today. There was no gleam in his eye, no smile playing at the edges of his lips like there usually was. Even in the middle of his meltdown yesterday he was able to force a believable smile to his face. Today he looked like he wasn't even capable of that. He looked distant, detached…he looked like I usually did.

The revelation that he and I might have something in common made me blush, like the stupid idiot I am more than capable of being at times. It was almost as if he could sense the heat in my cheeks or something. He turned his head slowly to look at me, which only made me blush even harder. My head was screaming at me to turn away from him but I was being a total nimrod and ignoring the mental lifejacket my body was trying to throw me. I'd compare it to the stupid camper in the slasher movie who doesn't leave the camp after everyone else has been murdered. That was me, the dumb sole survivor that hears a noise outside and goes to investigate and then wham, I get stabbed through the eyeball with a rusty anchor. Cullen was the anchor and I was the throbbing eyeball whose owner new better but couldn't resist the compulsion to be a stupid motherfucker.

His eyes darted from my crimson cheeks to my eyes and then back to my cheeks and all I could do was stare at him wide eyed. I was frozen under his heavy gaze. There was something in his eyes, a sadness or dejection, like somebody has stolen his lollypop or choked his puppy or both. And as much as I didn't want to feel a fucking thing for him I did. I felt concern and sympathy and an overwhelming urge to comfort him. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I forced my eyes away from his face and mentally berated myself for what I'd just allowed myself to do and feel. The last thing I needed was to feel bad for the button-pushing prick I knew Cullen to be. He was still looking at me though and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I turned back toward him intending to tell him to stop fucking staring at me but when I saw his expression I couldn't. He looked so absolutely and overwhelmingly distressed that I couldn't say a word. I just turned away and started the assignment.

The whole hour passed like that, him staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking and me sneaking peeks at him to see if he was doing any better. He never improved. By the end of class he looked so sallow and green that I was sure he was going to puke on me. And he never said a single word to me, or me to him. It was fucking weird. I had wanted to say something to him to break the bizarre fucking dance we were doing. I had wanted to ask him why the fuck he was staring at me so much as equally as badly as I had wanted to ask him if he was okay. But I didn't do either. And when the bell rang I was up and out of my seat before the bell even seemed to register with him. I glanced at him one last time, looking back over my shoulder as I left the room. The same pair of hollow, sad eyes still followed me as I walked out the door. He hadn't even moved from his stool.

That had to be the oddest thing I'd ever experienced. I tried to understand what his motivations were but I didn't have a clue where to start. I'd never seem him act so…so…so human before. Was it possible that I had misjudged him? That I had somehow turned a couple of bad days into an assumption of character? No, I had heard all the gossip around school about Edward the loner, about how he only associated with his family and never had the time of day for anyone else on campus. I'd experienced his holier than thou behaviour firsthand and he'd been a royal prick to me. So what was the last hour about? Sudden remorsefulness? I doubted it. A bad day? Maybe. I continued to propose my hypotheses for the rest of the hour. By the end of gym I resigned myself to the idea that he'd eaten a bad tuna fish sandwich for lunch and was suffering from botulism or some such friggen ailment that had caused temporary psychological paralysis that allowed him to be human for an undetermined amount of time. There was no other explanation that I could come up with that fit any better, as far fetched as it was.

I was so desperate for understanding that I pondered asking Alice of all people. I could just imagine how her little pixie face would light up when I asked her about her handsome and perfect brother who just happened to be my lab partner and hate my guts. No doubt she'd set off on the assumption that I wanted him, which I didn't. She'd be smitten and I'd want to puke. Then she'd explain to me how Mr. PrickPerfect was altogether too good for any of the girls at the school. The whole scenario made we want to gag. No, it was better that Alice knew nothing of my confrontational non-relationship with Edward. It's not as if she would know why her brother had fucking stared at me in class or why looked like he wanted to puke by the end of bio. And why the fuck was I still thinking of him anyway? It was so much easier to be smug and hand him his ass than to worry about him. Ugh! Get the fuck out of my head! Out! Out! Out!

Alice was waiting outside the library for me, her arms crossed over her chest, clutching a textbook tightly to her body. She smiled when she caught sight of me and walked towards me.

"Hi Bella. I'm really sorry but do you think we could reschedule today's session? Something's come up at home and I have to go help out." She didn't seem upset but she didn't seem like the calm person I'd spoken to yesterday either.

"Sure Alice. It's fine with me." I hesitated, trying to resist my next question. I don't know why I bothered to try. I had the restraint of a piece of cheese and knew I wouldn't be able to keep my trap shut. "Is everything ok?" Or did you notice that your brother is acting all human and shit too?

I could almost feel her smile it was so big. She was mistaking my sick curiosity for bonding. "It's fine. Just my brother - he needs my help with something."

I nodded like a moron who was dying to be let in on the secret because that's what I was. "Ok."

"You're a doll Bella. Thanks for being so understanding."

"No problem." Care to tell me about all the skeletons in your brother's closet in trade for all my understanding?

"See you tomorrow." She smiled and waved.

"Sure thing." I half smiled back at her, more to hide my frustration than anything else.

I watched her walk away and decided to hang back a bit and let her drive away before I went out to the truck. No need to tip off my presence in Alice's life to Edward, or my presence in Edward's life to Alice for that matter. I yanked my hood over my head and stopped at the doors when I saw Alice climbing into the back seat of the shiny silver Volvo. I glanced casually toward the driver and realized it was Edward. I blushed instantly. Now just the sight of him was making me blush? I was fucking done for. I may as well wave the white flag of surrender now or get loser tattooed across my forehead if this is how I was going to react at the mere sight of him. How could this be happening? Yesterday I was relishing in the triumph of putting him in his place and today I was…this, whatever the fuck this was!

At least he looked less stressed. The thought pleased me as much as it repulsed me. I did not understand what the fuck was happening to me! One teeny tiny bit of human behaviour did not a human make. We couldn't be friends. I couldn't like him. It was impossible. He hated me. Liking him would be like banging my head against a friggen brick wall. I was smarter than that.

I absolutely couldn't like him. He stood for everything that was wrong with people, the attitude and the poor treatment of others. I would not set myself up to be treated like shit by someone who thought of himself as better than me. There was no fucking way I was going to do that.

There was no way in hell I could like him. That was against my lines. And right now I needed my ruler-straight fucking lines more than anything.

Yes, I had a line about this kind of stupid behaviour of mine too, "No attachments, no loss." Don't fucking believe them when they say they won't leave because everyone leaves, and the pain of the loss is not worth any perceived benefit of attachment. Everyone I'd ever come across was a liar in some way. No one could be trusted and it was way fucking easier to just accept it than try to fight that shit. There was no promise that couldn't be broken and no one who wouldn't break one.

I learned that one the hard way. I was there living my life like a stupid trusting son of a bitch, but I was clueless, naïve and foolish. One day she was there and the next day she was in the hospital. There were words like terminal and chemo and scans of her brain and doctors upon doctors upon doctors. I swear I've seen enough doctors to last ten fucking lifetimes. All those fucking doctors couldn't save her, they couldn't make her promise to beat that fucking tumour and stay with me come true. I couldn't even depend on my mother to keep her word when she said she'd never leave me.

Everyone leaves.

Everyone.

So taking into account that everyone leaves, there was no point in forming attachments that were inevitably going to blow up in your face at some point anyway. You were just setting yourself up for a world of hurt when the person did leave, and we've already established that everyone leaves. Are you catching my drift here? It was just less complicated to have zero attachments and avoid the pain altogether.

I refuse to form an attachment with anyone, Charlie for example. I refuse to care beyond common courtesy and respect because eventually he'll leave me too, whether it's because he fell for some young broad that didn't want some stranger's teenager around or because he dies too. When he goes, and he will go, I will be fine, alone and intact, because I'm never going to give any fucking piece of myself away to anyone. I gave my mother my heart and she fucking ripped it out of my chest when she died. I have nothing more to give willingly.

It's why I don't want friends either. People think because you're new to a town that you must want the same shit they do. Well I don't. I don't want to waste my time pretending that I care and dealing with all the teenage drama bullshit. Have you ever been in a room of seventeen-year-old girls? It's hormonal hell! All deceitful delusions and needless, pointless crap. That shit is not for me dude. There isn't one of them that wouldn't stab you in the back and steal your boyfriend, twist it all around and blame the whole thing on you like some big fucking conspiracy and then leave anyway. So I just skip over all the hormones and deceit and delusions and drama. No attachments, no loss.

I was happy by myself. I depended on myself and myself only. It was so much less complicated. No friends, no family, no attachments whatsoever. Today was a perfect analogy for my line, a ringing endorsement for the misery that you bring upon yourself when you when you act like a pussy and form attachments you don't need. You spend your time peeking up through your hair like a loser trying to figure out why someone is not the person they were yesterday or the day before when it shouldn't fucking matter. You land up standing in school with your hood pulled over your head to hide from said attachments while you watch them drive away like the putz that you are when it shouldn't fucking matter. You land up talking to yourself like a headcase, rationalizing and making excuses for yourself when you worry about someone you have no right to worry about because it shouldn't fucking matter. You tell yourself you feel one way when you know you feel another and you prove to yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only way to keep your life simple and uncomplicated is to live between your own fucking brilliant and much needed lines. Lines are your friends. Lines will never leave you. Lines will never treat you like you're an idiot. Lines won't touch you. The lines are there for a reason, to keep you safe and protected and whole. I could not like him. The lines would not allow it.

It was impossible.

I could not like him.

I would not like him.

And maybe if I kept saying it I would find a way to make it be true.


	8. Monster

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters.

Sorry for the delays in an update. I was working on another story that you can find here if you're interested.

**From Edward's POV**…

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It was of no surprise to me that Alice had visions of me killing Bella again, nor was it a surprise that she was madly flipping through the visions in her head, trying to make sense of how the clearer, more defined ones fit with the cloudy, indistinct ones and how they all tied back to me and the faceless dead girl in my arms. She was concerned about me. I was concerned too. And as she climbed into the backseat of the car she was calling to me in the most sympathetic tone. I did not answer her.

I had debated skipping biology altogether today to avoid seeing Bella. All through lunch I made a list of reasons why going to class made no sense. I was feeling very weak, both in spirit and in will, and that could make being around Bella even more dangerous than normal. In the end I decided that I deserved to feel the pain of my thirst along with all of the guilt and shame I was already lost in. It was the least I deserved.

And I did feel the pain. From the moment she entered the classroom I was smothered by it. I could not find it in me to be angry with Bella for interrupting my life. Instead, my anger was directed inwards at the monster I didn't even know I was capable of being, the one who would consider using the loss of a parent against a girl who was alone in this world just to deny my natural instincts and avoid admitting what I really was. I was just trading one monster for another monster. Reminding myself it was for the greater good, to protect my family and spare Bella's life did me no good. I deserved to burn with all of the disgrace and disgust of someone who had committed the transgression because just considering it was reprehensible.

The shame was so great I couldn't look at her. I folded in on myself and let myself drown in self-condemnation and contempt. And when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, she blushed. Up until that point I had been so consumed by my emotions that my thirst hadn't even been a factor. The heat that came off of her cheeks was like a warm glow that called to me through my thick fog of censure. The monster inside me roared savagely and the notion that I might be good or humane became laughable. I was nothing but a monster. My head turned to her flushed cheeks against my will, and as if to taunt me, her cheeks became even more red. I could not tear my eyes away from her beautiful ruby cheeks and the rhythmic beat of her pulse lying so shallowly beneath the pale skin of her neck. Every instinct I had refocused on the sweetness of her blood and my body prepared to strike. She looked at me with worry and I was so completely undeserving of any goodwill from her that it made me feel sick. I could not trust myself to move let alone get up and leave. If I allowed myself even an inch it would mean her death. So I sat as still as a stone and let myself burn and waited as each agonizing second ticked away until the bell finally rang.

There was no sense of accomplishment when she left the classroom, no feeling of relief that she was still alive or euphoria that I had contained the monster. I felt hollow and defeated. As I watched her walk out the door I relinquished all hope that I would succeed at keeping her alive.

Alice had found me after biology, begging me to let her help me.

"You can't help me," I whispered derisively, hoping my tone conveyed the end of the particular topic of conversation.

'Edward! Please let me in. I've never seen you so upset and it's breaking my heart.'

I shook my head.

"Edward!" It was very rare for Alice to address me with such emotion aloud. She was obviously very worried and with good reason given the flood of murderous visions that were flipping in her head. She knew me better than anyone and could see that I was completely withdrawn.

"You can't help Alice. I have to figure it out on my own."

"Can't you just tell me what happened between yesterday and today that's made you so despondent?"

"I'm fine Alice." I knew my lie was completely unconvincing. If Alice were capable of crying she would have had tears in her eyes. I knew that look. And I hated myself for keeping this from her but I couldn't see any other way. I also knew that she was not going to drop this.

Alice was practically begging me to talk to her by the time I pulled the car into the garage. I knew she would follow me no matter where I went so I knew the run I had planned was not going to happen and surrendered to her demands. I headed around the back of the house to wait for her, settling on to one of the large boulders that lined the edge of the river, knowing she would only be a few steps behind me.

"Edward please let me help you." Her normally bubbly voice was barely a whisper. "I can see the pieces Edward but I can't put them together. I don't understand. There are too many small decisions yet to be made and it's keeping the bigger pieces from falling into place."

I was glad she couldn't see the situation clearly, happy for the small bit of privacy and for the fact that Bella's death was not yet set in stone. It meant there was still hope, something I couldn't feel at that moment, something that I had given up on after this afternoon.

"I'm sorry I'm hurting you." The words came out in an agonized murmur as I struggled to push the words out of my mouth. I hated hurting her Alice. Besides being my best friend, I knew she felt my pain more deeply than anyone else because of the visions. She would never understand just how horrible I felt to be putting this pain on her shoulders.

"Edward you don't have to be ashamed. You're not the despicable monster that you see yourself as. We've all had mistakes in our past." Her words were of no comfort to me. They only made me feel impossibly guiltier for allowing her to believe that my sorrow was a result of the visions she had rather than what it was actually about.

I'd never felt so lost in my life. Every thought centred on Bella. With the guilt I felt you'd have thought I had already destroyed the girl's world, not just simply considered it. The information I had gained on her mother taunted me. Logic told me to just use it already and gain the advantage. It was a life or death situation. My entire livelihood and that of my family was on the line. Why did it matter if I was cruel? It shouldn't matter. I could have been that cruel to someone else, say Mike Newton for instance. I'd have gladly sent him into a bottomless pit of pain. But for some reason I had apprehensions about doing it to this one girl, the one girl I needed to control. I could not for the life of me understand why I was struggling with using the information about her mother's death against her the way I was. Moral repugnancy aside, it made no sense to me why I couldn't do what had to be done.

"You're too kind to me Alice. You give me credit when I don't deserve it. After all of this time you'd think I would have perfected my control better."

"Did something happen Edward?" Her eyes held only concern. Her visions had already provided her with just how close I had come to killing Bella that afternoon.

"Nothing specific."

"Then why have the visions returned?" she pressed.

"I don't know," I lied.

She knew me better than that. "Edward, I'm not stupid."

"She blushed," I whispered with my head hung in shame.

"Oh," she gasped, smoothing her face out quickly, trying to hide her surprise with a look of concern. "Are you sure that's all?"

"Quite sure," I mumbled, remember the agony of class today.

"You didn't make some decision, maybe something small and discreet?"

"Not really Alice." While I was sure that my reaction to Bella's blush had triggered the visions, I considered whether or not my trip to the school last night could have been a catalyst. I doubted that my indecision about using the information I had dug up would have led to the recurring visions of Bella's death.

"Not even something small?" she prodded.

The direction of my thoughts for most of the night had been towards trying to find a way around using the information I had gained about Bella's mother against Bella. For whatever reason I could not bear to hurt the girl through her mother. It was like some sacred ground that I could not defile. It was her lifeline. And even though destroying that lifeline was within my power I could not exercise it. Even entertaining the idea was painful to me.

"I haven't made a single decision about the situation Alice." I tired to sound reassuring.

"I think you're wrong Edward." She announced it like it was an already established fact.

"Wrong?" I questioned sarcastically. "I think I'd know if I made a decision." I hated it when Alice acted like she knew everything. Her visions were conveniently certain when she wanted to be right rather than indeterminate and irresolute as we both knew them to be.

"Think about it Edward. My visions of you killing that girl wouldn't have popped back into my head if you hadn't decided something about her. Maybe it's not even directly related to her, maybe it's just something remotely connected to her."

"Maybe she's made some decision about me?" I suggested with a laugh. Bella had proved to be completely impervious and indifferent to me. There would be no reason for her to ever think about me.

"Maybe," Alice allowed, "but there's more to it. You're still keeping something from me."

We both knew she was right but I admitted nothing.

Alice flipped through the visions again and I winced. They were becoming clearer. Could my subconscious have already decided me incapable of using Bella's mother against her? It seemed inevitable that without some way to control my interactions with Bella it was only a matter of time before I would end up taking her life. Without using her mother I was out of options. The monster inside me gloated smugly as the realization settled in. I closed my eyes, too ashamed to look Alice in the face as the self-loathing began to seep into my consciousness from the dark corners of my mind.

Alice laid her hand on my arm lightly. "Edward, it's ok," she soothed.

"No it's not," I lamented. "This girl shouldn't have to die for what I am."

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for Edward. You'll find a way to stop this from happening. Let's go talk to Carlisle. Between the three of us we'll come up with something. And if we can't we'll get everyone working on it. We're a family Edward. And families stick together. If we have to move to prevent this then we'll move. I know Rose will be angry but…"

I tuned Alice out as she made contingency plans to protect my family. I had been selfishly ignoring my family lately, desperately trying to hide my secret from them and disregarding what my weakness for Bella's blood would cost them if I failed at protecting her. My situation was acridly contradictory to Bella's. She had no one to tell her secrets to with her mother gone. Well not no one. She had the uncle she lived with although I doubted he would have been privy to the inner workings of Bella's mind. But wait…she had an uncle. Maybe he didn't know her secrets but certainly he must know something of Bella from taking her in? He may not be the perfect solution I had been seeking but at least he offered me an alternative to Bella's death. Hope bloomed.

Alice pulled me from my reverie by shaking my shoulders. I raised my head to look at her, meeting her eyes.

"You found a way didn't you?" she smiled, and then let me into her visions again. There were none of Bella's dead body in my arms this time, only me smiling at someone, Bella across the quad with her back to me, me laughing with my head tipped back, nothing concrete or particularly telling, only disconnected images that would mean nothing to anyone but me, not even Alice. Somehow I would be ok and for some unexplainable reason, Bella would be ok too. It had to be connected to the uncle. The answer had to lie with him. I smiled at Alice, the first real smile that day.

"I've got to go Alice. I've got something I have to do." I didn't wait for her agreement, gone from my spot in the blink of an eye, on my way to find Bella's uncle.

*****

I stood in the forest that surrounded Bella's house. Her house was on the fringe of the town's limits, surrounded by trees on three sides. It was careless of me to allow myself to be so close to her while we were this isolated but there was no other way to familiarize myself with Bella's uncle's mental voice. All was quiet in the house at the moment.

Bella's uncle was not at home. Bella was alone in the house, preparing something in the kitchen, so I assumed he would be returning home shortly. I listened intently to the noises coming from the house. She hummed a tune I recognized as she worked, although I could clearly hear it coming from her earbuds as well. I recoiled when I realized just how loud she must have had her iPod turned up for me to hear it so clearly through earbuds pressed into her ear canals. The girl would be deaf by twenty if she kept that up. But I now knew she liked music and that was something I didn't know about her before. Not that there was any way to tease her about music or more importantly the volume at which she listened to it without admitting my own improper behaviour. I could see the whole conversation in my head. I would make fun of her, accuse of her of a hearing loss as the reason behind the extreme volume of her music. 'I could hear it all the way from the forest behind your house where I was hiding waiting for your uncle to come home so I could read his mind.' Yes that would go over so well. I definitely could not tease her about music.

I heard the sound of a truck nearing, her uncle I assumed. I recognized the sound of the gravel of the driveway crackling and popping under the tires and it confirmed my assumption. He was thinking about Bella already, wondering how her day was and hoping she would be in the same good mood she was in the day before when she got home from school. I felt at odds with his thoughts until I realized that was the same day I had lost our button-pushing match. She was happy that she had beaten me obviously. I smirked. Even if I had been completely ineffective at controlling her in class it made me feel better to know that at least I had some effect on her, that she couldn't completely block me out, even if it was at the expense of my pride.

I listened to their conversation trying to focus on her uncle's thoughts.

"Bells?"

"In here," she called from the kitchen

"What's for dinner?" He was taking in the smells of the house trying to guess at what Bella was cooking.

"Enchilada casserole."

"Smells good. How'd your thing after school go?" He was apprehensive when he asked the question, worried about pushing her too far.

"Cancelled. She was busy, but don't worry. We've already rescheduled tomorrow."

"I'm not worried. I know you'll do what's right." He was lying to her, quite profoundly actually. The tenor of his thoughts was definitely worried and his thoughts were not at all clear. Threads of doubt and fear were woven through all the concern. It wasn't that he didn't believe that she'd do the right thing, more that he was afraid of what it might say about her recovery if she wasn't able to do the right thing – worried that it meant she was still very lost and confused over losing her mother. I began to wonder about the biological relationship between them. He cared very deeply for her, loved her like she was his own daughter. It was quite touching actually the degree to which he cared about Bella. He must have been very close with her even while her mother had been alive.

"Sure Charlie. That look on your face just screams your confidence in my choices." Bella could obviously sense the same thing I could hear in his thoughts. She was very perceptive. At least I wasn't the only one who had difficulty masking my mistakes around her.

"Give me a little goddamn credit Bella. I haven't said a single thing about anything you've said or done. I trust you kid. You're a chip of the old block and you know how much I trusted your Mom." I studied his thoughts carefully but could not get a feel for any of the ways that Bella might be like her mother. Charlie's thoughts about her mother were deep and overflowing with love. I was suddenly confused because this man loved Bella's mother like a wife, perhaps even more so. I had assumed he was Bella's maternal uncle but perhaps he was a paternal uncle. I began to wonder about the uncle's relationship with Bella's mother. If they had been in a relationship at some point, he had never gotten over it. It was clear to me he had long ago given his heart away to her.

"Sorry."

My hopes that Bella would speak more than the one-word answers she gave to me when she spoke with Charlie were quickly falling. I tried again to refocus my thoughts and get into Bella's brain just to get a peek at the emotions and thoughts behind her apology but there was nothing. Only silence.

"It's fine." And he was fine, amazingly unaffected by her sarcastic short answers and pseudo-belligerent tone. He obviously understood her a great deal more than I did. I was taken back by her lack of answer and her tone. I would have pressed her to get at the truth that I sensed she was hiding. Obviously that was part of the problem between her and I. I wanted the whole truth and she wanted to give only bare bones answers that scraped the truth.

"Supper's ready."

I could hear feet shuffling and chairs dragging across linoleum. They ate in silence for the most part although it seemed quite companionable. Charlie's thoughts drifted as he ate, over the events of the day at work, a checklist of errands to run on his day off, a favourite fishing spot that he hoped to visit on the weekend. There was little to nothing that I could use to gain any new insight into Bella. I was contemplating leaving when I heard his thoughts shift back to her.

"Any homework tonight?" he wondered apprehensively. He was definitely always concerned with allowing Bella some privacy while at the same time making sure she was ok.

"A little."

"School's going ok?" He was fishing for information from her, hoping she'd give him some news about how she was doing without him having to pry too hard to get it.

"Yeah."

"The kids are being nice to you?" His mental tone was completely patient, still hoping she would give him some information even if only by accident. He was much calmer than I would have been.

Bella snorted and I imagined her rolling her eyes at him. "They've rolled the red fucking carpet out for me Charlie."

I heard him snicker. "Is someone giving you a hard time?" His thoughts were almost mocking our classmates. He had no worries at all about Bella's ability to handle herself with the other kids at school and was quite confident that she could deal with anything that came her way.

"Nah," she assured him, although I could sense a hesitation in her tone.

"You sure about that Bells?" Charlie pressed. He still wasn't worried. In fact he was almost amused anticipating the story.

"There's one guy who keeps pushing my buttons trying to irritate me. He walks around like he's God's gift to the Earth but nothing I can't handle." Was she talking about me?

"I'm sure you'll hand him his ass back before too long."

"I already have." Yes, she was most certainly talking about me. And then she laughed. It was a light resonating giggle that made me realize that I hadn't heard her laugh genuinely until that moment. She was comfortable with Charlie, more comfortable than I'd ever seen her at school. The defensive walls that she hid behind at school to protect herself from everything and everybody were down. There was still her familiar snarkiness and dark humour but it was tempered with comfort and light-heartedness too. It made me happy to know that she didn't live in misery every moment of the day. It quickly turned to upset though, because it shouldn't matter to me that she had happiness in her day. Why did it matter? And she was talking about me to him. That pleased me too, and it shouldn't have. It should be inconsequential whether or not she thought about me or spoke of me. I couldn't help but be surprised though. I was so sure she had never given me a second thought. I tried to convince myself that the pleasure in my newly acquired knowledge stemmed from the fact that I was happy to have had some effect on her but I knew that wasn't the reason. There was something more, something buried deep down inside me that I was too afraid to unearth at that moment. I was filled with unease. I knew it was time for me to leave.

My feet carried me away but I could feel an unfamiliar pull tugging at me from Bella's direction. I was breaking my own rule, allowing her to become someone to me. Moreover I wasn't even upset about it. Something was definitely wrong with me, insanity or dementia or some such mental breakdown. I needed to find some peace, even if only for a few moments. I had been thinking about her for twenty-four hours straight and urgently needed to break the cycle of self inflicted torture. I let all thoughts dissolve and surrendered into the high of my speed. It was the only thing that could save me now.

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I really truly appreciate all of the reviews. So thank you to those who have left them. Reviews = love :D


	9. Overreaction

**A/N: **Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

Time for Bella's POV folks.

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I couldn't stop wondering what Edward would be like in class today, which made me so fucking angry with myself I could spit nails. I shouldn't be wondering about him or worried about him or even friggen thinking about him. He shouldn't fucking matter. Consequently I was extremely bitchy by the time I got to class. I was actually hoping that he would be feeling better because if he was better he would likely try and irritate me and then I could get back to my comfort zone. Being annoyed by Edward and hating him was so much easier. This compassionate shit was for the birds.

I beat him to class and was consoled by the idea of taking my seat and being in a defensive position when he arrived. As the seconds ticked by I became impossibly bitchier. How the hell would I know if he was doing better if the asswipe didn't show his face? I would go apeshit if I had to wait another day to find out if Edward the human was still alive and well or if he had been murdered by his alter ego King Edward the No-Hearted. I wouldn't make another 24 hours. I would have to stoop to asking Alice how he was and there would undoubtedly be hell to pay on that front. Didn't he know what a fucking shambles he was making of my life by not showing up? He probably fucking did. He was probably sitting back in some corner laughing his ass off about it.

The bell rang and Mr. Banner started class. Well fuck. Edward wasn't coming. I had not seen him in the cafeteria at lunch but I had seen his car parked in the lot this morning. I had assumed he was at school but maybe one of his brothers or sisters had driven today? Maybe Edward was even worse today than yesterday, too sick to even come to school? Maybe yesterday was the flu coming on? Hold the fuck on! What the hell was I doing? I was being a stupid fucking noob is what I was doing. And I felt like a fool…mostly because I was a fool. I was a class 'A' idiot, letting Edward Cullen, asshole-extraordinaire make a fool of me by allowing myself to get caught up in his well-being just like every other harebrained doe-eyed junior in the school. I shook my head disgusted at myself, although not quite disgusted enough to stop myself from thinking about him.

Mr. Banner's rousing lecture on the differences between meiosis versus mitosis had my undivided disregard as I doodled idly in the margins of my notebook and debated the pillage I would have to endure at Alice's hands to find out about her brother. Alice didn't strike me as a stupid girl. At the very least I would be tipping my fucking hand to her by admitting that I knew Edward and I was pretty sure I wouldn't escape without Alice going all protective sister on my ass. Then again maybe Alice would dish on Edward and feed my sick fucking need for information on the dude. At this point I could use anything to aid me in my button pushing escapades against him. My musings were interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing and my eyes shot up in the general direction of the sound. There stood Edward in all his fucking crowning glory, rain dripping from his wet hair, eyes twinkling, unabashedly majestic, crooked grin intact. Fucker! He was so astoundingly handsome that I had to quickly look away from him to avoid blushing.

"Excuse my interruption Mr Banner," he requested politely, handing the teacher his late slip as he sashayed past Mr Banner's desk on his way to our table. "Car trouble."

Car trouble my ass! If I didn't know better I'd say that Edward was late on purpose just so he could make an entrance and draw attention to himself. That would be just like the ostentatious motherfucker. I so wanted to call him on it but I didn't trust my stupid fucking blushing instinct to stay put. The last thing I needed was to give him ammunition. He slid into his seat all pompous prick and shuffled his books to one side while he took out his notebook. "So what did I miss?" he whispered.

I kept my attention straight ahead but rolled my eyes.

"I see you've been taking very detailed notes." He observed my doodles with a smirk. "Poor Mr. Banner can't even keep you interested in his lecture on…" He glanced up quickly to the board. "Meiosis. Oh, yes, I see…"

I dropped my eyes to my notes and let my head hang over my book so my hair would drop forward. Pre-emptive strike. If he was going to talk my ear off today then there was little doubt in my mind that my blush would double cross me at some point.

"Well I can understand why you'd want to ignore this lecture. Who wants to talk about chromosomal division and reduction in sexual reproduction?" My mouth was dry. Only Edward and his stupid fucking velvet voice could make meiosis sound sexy.

"You're not interested in sexual reproduction are you Isabella?"

Cue the blush.

God damn it! I started the preamble, 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed…' I tripped on the word endowed and my mind flooded with the image of Edward standing in the doorway looking like one fine motherfucker. The declaration of Independence was not going to help to day.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

"That's why I was late," he snickered. "I had to go home and get some entertainment." He slid his binder aside and revealed his hidden iPod. Not just any iPod but a sleek black and silver iPod touch. My eyes widened in surprise.

"Thirty-two gig," he informed me smugly. Of course he had the best, just like everything else in his friggen life. He put my poor little second-generation nano to shame. His iPod owned my iPod. How like us that he would have the best of the best and I would have less than average.

"Do you have one?" he wondered quietly.

I nodded a yes, my eyes glued to his iPod while I coveted his pretty little expensive toy.

"You have an iPod? You must like music then?" he asked.

Again I nodded, not really trusting my voice for some reason. Something just felt off.

"Anything kind in particular?"

I looked up at him confused because I had realized that just like yesterday he was not behaving normally. Where was the button pushing I had come to expect? Why was he asking about my musical preferences instead of trying to irritate me? Button pushing is who we were. The only way this conversation was remotely like our normal interaction was that asking me questions that should not matter to him.

"Why are you talking to me?" I spat angrily, my eyes darting to Mr. Banner to check and see if I had spoken too loudly. He continued his lecture without even a glance in the direction of our table.

"Down kitty," Edward snickered. "I was just making conversation. You are capable of conversation are you not Isabella? Or is that something Phoenicians don't practise?"

"What?" I blurted sharply in disbelief. I could feel my rage boiling inside me like angry lava.

"Do people from Phoenix take part in the ancient art of conversation?" He over-enunciated each word, making each syllable separate and distinct like I was a stupid fucking idiot.

Mount Vesuvius had nothing on me. My anger exploded.

"Why do you always treat me like I'm stupid? Is it that fucking hard for you to treat me like I have a brain in my head?" Yep, right past pissed and straight on through absolute loss of control. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred dollars. My mouth was in overdrive and there was no stopping it. "Of course I know how to have a fucking conversation you stupid prick. I mean Jesus Christ Cullen get off your high horse. Have you every stopped to think that maybe I just don't want to speak to you?"

He stared at me with wide, shocked eyes. I had taken him aback and right fucking on. I'd had enough of his bullshit.

Even at a subdued volume I was sure Edward could feel my fury as I saturated every word I spoke with contempt and ridicule. "What's the matter Cullen? Cat got your tongue? Maybe I confused you with my grown up words? Did you need me to speak more slowly or enunciate more carefully?"

"No, you're coming through loud and clear," he assured me acerbically, "and with quite a foul mouth actually." I couldn't read his expression and it made me feel even angrier.

"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" I hissed.

"There was truth in your statement?" he asked sarcastically. "All I heard was a collection of assumptions regarding how you think I treat you and how I esteem myself as well as some very colourful slander."

"Well you do treat me like I'm stupid. I'm not an idiot Cullen."

"I never said that you were. I don't even know when I'd have time to treat you like you're stupid. I spend one hour a day with you and for most of that hour we are working on our assignments separately." He looked at me like I was being absolutely ridiculous.

"It's your fucking attitude. You think you're better than everyone else so you treat us all like we're less than you."

"Isabella you can hardly blame me for your lack of confidence and self-acceptance and I really don't think you know me well enough to know my mind or how I treat people."

"I don't have a problem with self-acceptance or confidence buddy. I have a problem with your attitude."

"So you've said. For the record, I don't think I'm better than you. But for argument's sake, let's say you're right. Let's say I do treat you like you're stupid. Please enlighten me how anything I said to you today could be misconstrued as me treating you like you were unintelligent or acting like I was better than you."

And I couldn't say a fucking word because he hadn't really done anything to me today. He'd been generally friendly and conversational until I'd taken a gigantic leap into crazytown when I realized he wasn't pushing my buttons like he normally did. I'd flown off then handle simply because he was trying to have a conversation with me when I was expecting him to irritate me. In fact, I had been counting on him irritating me. I was mad at myself for letting him into my head and I'd come to class horrendously bitchy expecting him to give me an outlet to blow off some steam. And when he didn't do what I expected I fucking lost it on his head for no good reason. I was the stupid motherfucker who'd spent the better part of the past twenty-four hours worried about him and that wasn't his fault. Not showing up for class was definitely his fault but still my fault for getting my panties in such a bunch over it. And when he showed up late looking so goddamn beautiful he took my breath away, I was completely caught off guard. His fault for being hot but way more my fault for agreeing with him so whole-heartedly that my panties were wet. Not such a great thing when you looking for someone to irritate you. He was completely right. I was the one with the problem.

"That's what I thought," he affirmed. I looked at his face and he wasn't smug, although he easily could have been, and he wasn't self-righteous even though I probably deserved it. I don't know what I saw on his face, peace of mind or calmness or maybe just contentedness but just like our first conversation it unnerved me.

Not knowing what to say I turned away from him and tried to focus on Mr. Banner's diagram of meiosis 1, trying to pretend that Edward wasn't beside me thinking I was a crazy person, trying to deny that I had broken my own rules and ignored the lines and wishing I could crawl under the desk and hide.

"So you're not going to talk to me now?" he asked softly.

It would serve me right if he did think I was a crazy person. I was pretty sure I was certifiable.

"What did I do?" he asked innocently.

There would probably be commitment papers waiting for me on the kitchen table when I got home.

"Will you please just tell me what I did or said that was so bad?" he petitioned quietly, the slightest bit of irritation in his voice.

Why was he still taking to me? He must be trying to play me so he could collect more stories about his crazy ass bitch lab partner.

"I don't understand you."

Join the fucking crowd Edward. I don't even understand me anymore.

"You're not being fair Bella."

I didn't need him to tell me that I wasn't being fair. I knew I wasn't being fair. I had no one to blame but myself and I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on with me. That's when I realized he'd used my name.

"You called me Bella?" I noted, astonished. Hearing him use my name seemed distinct and meaningful to me on some level, a familiarity or importance, something I couldn't put my finger on.

"That is your name isn't it?" he retorted, slightly annoyed.

"Yes…but you always call me Isabella," I whispered circumspectly. He always called me by my full name to irritate me – forever the button pusher – because that's what we did to one another.

He paused awkwardly before he answered me in an almost standoffish tone. "Well you've never told me what you prefer to be called."

"But you knew to call me Bella?" Why now? Why today? I'd never corrected him. I had purposely refrained from giving him my preference for Bella over Isabella to avoid giving him any advantage over me. I knew he would always choose to call me by the name I disliked. It was the nature of our relationship.

"Am I wrong?" he charged. He was noticeably angry now and I didn't understand why.

"No, it's just…well…it's the first bit of respect you've shown me."

"Not the first…" he insisted, but as quickly as he began to refute my statement he stopped for some reason. I openly stared at him, hoping to glean some understanding of his behaviour from his expression. A blank mask had replaced his angry glare in an effort to hide his feelings from me, but he couldn't hide everything. His eyes were very solemn, almost sad and withdrawn. In stark contrast to the blankness of his face it was as if they were confessing to me, except they were speaking in tongues or cryptograms, whispering words I could not make out and communicating emotions I did not understand. I couldn't make sense of it. There was a definite message but its meaning eluded me.

My eyes were absolutely stuck on his. Someone could have blown up the lab and I wouldn't have noticed. Our intense staring match continued for some time until Edward finally turned away from me and closed off my avenue of analysis. He said nothing more to me for the rest of class and he was every bit as good at ignoring as I was.

I didn't dare open my fucking mouth again. I was already embarrassed enough by my behaviour. I'd been a total fucking loser. I'd let my anger get the better of me, completely overreacted and lost control of myself. It wasn't even Edward's fault. I was the dumb fuck who broke the rules. I had no one to be angry with but myself. And I was. I was plenty fucking angry with myself.

Edward wasn't innocent in all of this though. If he had just been his normal button-pushing prick self everything would have been fine today. Why did he have to get all conversational and shit? The more I tried to understand why the fuck he asked me about music instead of sticking to our regular repartee of irritation, the less I understood. None of it made any fucking sense to me, not the emotions I'd seen in his eyes, or why he'd shut down on me, or why he cared about what I liked in the first place. Sure, I'd made a lot of assumptions about his character, but they were based on how he'd treated me, on the parts of himself that he'd shown to me. It was starting to become pretty fucking clear that I hadn't been entirely on the mark with some of my observations. There were definitely facets to Edward's personality that I just did not understand and some that I was glaringly wrong about. I just couldn't put all the pieces together to finish the fucking puzzle. Right now, there was nothing predictable about Edward except perhaps that he was not predictable. And it totally fucking sucked because I was definitely not in my comfort zone. In fact, it was becoming crystal fucking clear that I would not be entering it any time soon.

I would have traded a kidney to avoid gym after my run in with Edward. Not to mention I still had Alice to deal with. We had switched to basketball and I was in no fucking mood for all the running around and ball drills and close contact with uncoordinated tarts in my class. Not to mention the sound of squeaking shoes on the hardwood was grating on my last nerve. I narrowly avoided taking Jessica Stanley's head off with the ball during a pick and roll drill when the stupid bitch couldn't remember if she was screening or rolling. The one bright spot in the hour was the stink eye she gave me. Yeah bitch, I dare you to take a run at me. Your scrawny ass wouldn't know what hit it. Charlie would kick my butt but I wasn't positive that the grounding wouldn't be worth it in the end.

I made my way to the library after gym in search of Alice. I still hadn't decided whether or not I should talk to her about Edward. I was waiting to see how things went I suppose. I made myself at home at the corner table since Alice wasn't there yet, pulling out my iPod and pushing the earbuds into my ears. The random shuffle I had set was not providing me with the distraction I was looking for and I skipped song after song searching for something that didn't want to make me scream. After thirteen songs I scowled at my iPod and ripped the earphones out. "Stupid fucking shiny iPod touch," I mumbled.

"Do you have one?" Alice's clear voice chirped.

"No," I confessed, a little embarrassed that she'd heard me.

"My brother has one. He swears by it."

"I'm sure," I retorted, trying to mask the disgust in my voice.

"So what kind of music do you listen to?"

"I dunno," I mused. "Anything really…"

"Rap?"

"Sometimes."

"Hard rock?"

"Often."

"Adult contemporary?"

"Not so much," I laughed.

"How about classical?"

I have no doubt she expected an emphatic no to this question. "I listen to a fair amount of it," I admitted, cheered by the surprised look on her face. "My mom listened to it a lot so it sort of rubbed off on me. I don't blare it from the stereo or anything. But there are a lot of pieces that sound really great with headphones on."

"Because it picks up all the instruments better," she nodded.

"Exactly," I agreed and we exchanged smiles.

"I'm more of an R&B or pop music sort of girl myself with a little alternative thrown in for good measure. You have a lot in common with my brother though. He listens to all sorts of different music like you."

"I do?" I asked, surprised. She couldn't be talking about Edward. All Edward and I had in common was our ability to drive each other nuts.

"Yes, he has an amazing music collection. He's been collecting forever. There's a whole wall of CDs in his room. I should introduce the two of you."

"By brother you don't mean your boyfriend right?"

"No," she agreed. "Technically Jasper isn't my brother. He and his twin sister were adopted by my uncle."

"So no blood relation?" I teased.

She grimaced. "Ewww, no! I might be a little odd but I'm not twisted! I have two other brothers and Emmett doesn't care what's on the radio as long as he's having fun. I meant my brother Edward."

"Edward?" It was so hard to believe that we might have something in common.

"Yes, do you know him?"

"I'm not sure," I mumbled, playing stupid. "I've met a lot of people and I'm not very good with names."

"Well that settles it then. Edward is picking me up when we're done here. I'll introduce you to him. I'm sure you guys will have loads to talk about."

Or loads to kill each other over. I smiled as convincingly as I could. "You really don't have to do that Alice." I opened my mouth to say more but stopped when I noticed Alice's body stiffen. Her eyes glazed over a bit and she stared off into space as if she was focusing on something very far away. "Alice?"

She was completely still and I couldn't tell if she'd even heard me.

"Alice is everything okay?" I asked.

Her head fell forward but she still remained silent.

"Alice what the fuck is going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she assured me, lifting her head and forcing a stiff smile to her face.

"What the hell was that?" I wondered.

"Nothing," she laughed. "I just remembered an assignment that I have due tomorrow. You know that feeling when you know you've forgotten something and it's right there but you can't quite remember. Well I was trying really hard to remember what I'd forgotten. And then I did, so everything is fine now."

I knew there was no assignment and that she was definitely hiding something from me but who was I to pry? She was almost as bad a liar as I was but something told me not to call her on it further.

"So what about you? Do you have a boyfriend?" She wasn't fooling me by shifting the topic of conversation away from herself either.

"No," I laughed.

"No one here in town is your type?"

"Actually it's probably safer to say that I'm no one's type. Most boys aren't looking for a girl like me."

"You'd be surprised Bella. The male sex can be stupid and dense but they know a pretty girl when they see one. And we both know that they don't think with their heads."

"So true," I agreed.

"I bet there's someone here at school that you're attracted to?" she pressed.

"A couple of dweebs who won't leave me alone, but definitely not my type," I informed her.

"Not even any of the seniors?" she suggested.

"Nope, no seniors."

"Well we need to find you someone Bella. You have too much to teach a man to be unattached," she giggled.

I knew she meant it at as a compliment but it didn't exactly feel like one. In fact the idea that I needed to have a man seemed like a rather anti-feminist thing to say and not something I would expect from Alice. Our whole conversation seemed to go like that for the rest of our hour, not quite right, just a little bit off. And the time seemed to pass so slowly today. I couldn't stop thinking about the idea that she was hiding something from me and I had no clue how I was going to get out of 'meeting' her brother. I was working very hard at coming up with some plausible excuse as to why I couldn't walk to the parking lot with her but the best I could come up with was having to go to my locker to get a book I'd forgotten. She'd just come with me and I would have to admit I lied about knowing Edward and the whole thing was becoming entirely too fucking complicated. I found myself actually wishing for Mike Newton to show up. He's surely chase Alice away before she forced me to meet Edward. You know you're fucked when you're wishing for Mike to show up. I knew I had to come clean when Alice started gathering her books up to leave.

"So, about meeting your brother," I started awkwardly but Alice cut me off.

"It's ok Bella. Jasper will probably be picking me up anyway. Edward usually goes running after school so it would just be a waste of your time to try and meet him today."

"Oh…ok," I conceded. "Some other time then." Something was definitely up.

"Sure," she agreed. "See you tomorrow Bella." With a quick wave of her hand she was off, leaving me behind shuffling clumsily, trying to hurry to gather my things together.

"Hey!" I called. "Wait up Alice." There was no way I was letting her go without asking what was wrong but she didn't slow up or wait for me.

I ran for the parking lot, praying I wasn't too late to catch Alice. I was in luck. She was just getting into the passenger seat of the Volvo. I pushed open the double doors and started walking briskly towards her. It wouldn't hurt to stop and ask her if she was ok. And I'd get to meet Jasper to boot.

I was twenty-five feet from the Volvo when I heard Alice's voice thundering from inside the car, ten times louder and deeper than I'd ever heard it before. I couldn't make out what she was saying but she sounded pissed. Something must have happened between her and Jasper that she neglected to mention. I decided against checking on her and headed straight for my truck.

I glanced up innocently on my way past the front of her car, curious if Jasper was as mad as she was. It wasn't Jasper in the driver's seat. It was Edward, looking right at me with those same confessing eyes. I blushed as our eyes locked, embarrassed that he'd caught me looking. His glare intensified and then his eyes glazed over. He had the strangest look on his face and Alice wouldn't look at me at all. I shivered and dropped my head, letting all my hair fall forward and block them out. I didn't look at them again. I just got in my truck and drove away. Something was definitely friggen up.


	10. Unpredictability

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

**From Edward's POV**...

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"You're going to kill Bella Swan?" Alice yelled at me as soon as the car door closed. Honestly, I didn't think she was even capable of yelling at that loud a volume with that soprano voice of hers. That would be why it came out several octaves lower and almost like a roar. Something must have changed in her visions that made Bella's face visible now. I was surprised because I didn't think she even knew the girl. I knew for a fact that they didn't have any classes together.

"You cannot kill her Edward. She's my friend. If you harm one hair on her head so help me… Brother or no brother you will pay!"

"Alice, relax. I didn't even know that you knew Bella."

"Well I do," she assured me curtly.

"And just how do you know her?" I demanded. My emotions whirled inside of me. I wasn't ready to share Bella yet, not even with Alice.

"You could have told me who she was Edward."

"Why Alice? So you could be even more tortured by the visions? So you could put a face on the dead body and make it more real? So you could see her every day at school and be reminded of the idea of her death at your brother's hands? Why Alice? Please tell me what the benefit of having you know the girl's identity is?"

"So I could help you? So I would know you trusted me enough to keep your secret?"

"This isn't about trust Alice. It's my problem, not yours. I was simply trying to spare you and keep the situation from getting any more complicated than it already is." I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to look. It was Bella, standing in front of my car staring back at me with those secretive brown eyes, looking as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She blushed when our eyes locked and a delicious flush took over her cheeks. I was overcome and the monster in me engaged. My body coiled and lurched forward and I grabbed the steering wheel for control. She looked away so quickly I was sure I scared her.

"Edward, stop it!" Alice yelled.

Alice's head was down, eyes closed, caught up in a burst of visions of me killing Bella. They were so much more harrowing and tortuous with Bella's face visible. I could see the horror in Bella's eyes and the fear on her face as she realized what had come for her.

"It's not as if I can control this Alice," I seethed at her. "And you're not helping with your thoughts."

"Well at least try and control yourself!"

"I am," I barked, angry at her insinuation that this was a choice and not an instinct, angry with myself for being weak, angry at the entire situation. That's when it clicked what Bella was doing at school so late and how Alice knew her. "Bella is your mentoring partner?" I bellowed, horrified and trembling with anger.

"Yes," she whispered, her upper lip quivering a little.

I let a few moments pass while I worked to calm myself. "Sorry Alice." I looked at her with remorseful eyes. "It just that…I didn't know…I wish I had known." My voice strained against the absurdity of it all. So much turmoil everywhere I looked.

"Why would I tell you Edward? I had no reason to believe that she would be the same girl you were having trouble with. I'm sorry Edward, I didn't know."

We drove home in silence. No talking. No radio. No sharing of visions. No mind reading. She did everything to keep me out of her thoughts and I did everything I could to stay out of them. We both had a lot to think about.

*****

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and covered my face with my hands. Today had been an absolute disaster from top to bottom. Even after racking my brain the only angle I could come up with to get at Bella was music. I ran home at lunch to grab my iPod but I debated so long on whether or not to bring it up with Bella that I landed up being late for class. I could tell she was less than impressed by my late arrival and it started us off on the wrong foot. Not that we had a right foot. I was able to engage her using the iPod but then out of nowhere she was whispering obscenities at me and making accusations that I treated her like she was stupid. I was completely caught off guard by it.

The direction of the conversation wavered after that but her remarks left little doubt in my mind that she despised me. What made no sense to me was the degree of passion with which that hate consumed her. It was irrational for such an apathetic girl, irrational for the handful of exchanges and limited amount of contact we'd had. After all I had only been talking to her. I hadn't insulted her or purposely irritated her, as I normally would have. Her reaction today was much too grandiose for the situation. Perhaps something else was bothering her?

By the end of the argument Bella fell short of being able to show me how I had done the things she had accused me of but I felt no vindication in it. I expected her to be angry with me for proving her accusations incorrect but of course she did not react as expected. How many times did she have to prove to me that she never reacted in a normal fashion before I would stop expecting her to react like other humans? Her actual reaction was much worse than what I had anticipated. She shut down on me, completely shut me out and refused to answer anything I asked. And as I poked and prodded her trying to get her to open back up I made an error. I used her name. I had heard her correct almost every person on campus when she was called Isabella. It's how I knew that calling her by her full name would bother her. Another instance where my mask of humanity slipped and I revealed too much information to the one person I could not afford to give any leeway too.

Of course given her observant nature she noticed that I had called her Bella, but rather than ask me how I knew to call her that as I predicted, she had the strangest reaction to it. She told me it was the first bit of respect I'd shown her. And while I started to refute it I couldn't, because she was right. Since day one I had done nothing but treat her with disrespect. As if it was not bad enough that I wanted to kill her, I had disrespected her opinions, her person and most of all her character. I did not know Bella Swan but a little and yet I treated her with less respect than I treated other humans. It wasn't even an accident. I had made a conscious choice to treat her like an annoyance. Yes, she was rough around the edges, apathetic at times and often angry, but beyond knowing she'd lost her mother what did I know of her life? And herein lies the conundrum. Today for the first time I treated her with respect and tried to get to know her and her reaction was to shut down on me. It bothered me to no end that she wouldn't let me in and I couldn't even blame it on my need to control her. I simply didn't want her to be closed off with me. And now I was stuck maneuvering within the delicate balance of trying to find a way in and upsetting her and having her pull farther away from me.

Nothing turned out like I expected it to today. I was left with more questions than answers and feeling incredibly frustrated. What made Bella so different from every other human I'd ever come across? Moreover, why couldn't she just behave in a predictable way? Most humans were so easy to predict and manipulate. All you needed to do was use the correct tone and volume for your voice, smile a lot, make a small amount of eye contact, and act like you were paying very close attention to everything said as if it was all of the utmost importance, and they'd do whatever you wanted them to do. Why couldn't Bella be that easy? The truth was nothing about Bella and I was easy - not my reaction to her, not her reaction to me - and it was time I stopped wishing for simplicity. We were plagued by impossible situations but I refused to let them beat me. I would find a way in to Bella's closed mind and I would find a way to control her.

I didn't know what to think about Alice knowing everything. This was exactly the sort of thing I wanted to avoid putting on Alice, and yet here she was right in the middle of my problem. I wondered if Alice was feeling the duplicity of her new found knowledge, loyalty to a brother and to a friend who were both in danger. Could I depend on her as a sister and a best friend to help me with Bella or was that asking too much of her to use her relationship with a friend in that capacity? The only potentially bright spot I could see in all of this was the hope that Alice might have more success at getting through Bella's walls than I'd had. Perhaps Alice could help me isolate the one elusive detail about Bella, some hidden secret or personality quirk that would give me the control I sought so fiercely. I knew Alice. She would be concentrating on Bella's future very decidedly now, watching out for obstacles and any uncertainty or danger in her visions to protect her friend. That could only work to my advantage, giving me an early warning to any potential problems. It might even give me the edge to not only play the game better, but also win it.

*****

I went to class extra early, determined to get there before Bella. I had eavesdropped on Alice's mind as much as I could since last night to make sure I would be paying attention when she looked for Bella's future. She had discussed music with Bella yesterday and I was convinced that I could use music to break Bella down. I was resolved to make it work. I left my iPod displayed openly on desk and waited for Bella's arrival.

Not to be thwarted, I'd taken it upon myself to ensure that we would be given ample time to interact. I chuckled under my breath when the substitute teacher entered the classroom. Understandably shaken, poor Mr. Banner didn't make it into school today, having woken up to four slashed tires and a broken windshield, no doubt the work of some soulless cold-hearted vandals. Or perhaps just one stonehearted one. I'd left money under the visor to pay for the repairs and his tires were bald anyway. I was simply doing him a service and keeping him safe.

Bella arrived shortly after the substitute, shuffling her feet with her head down, and made her way to our table. I was almost giddy with the anticipation of my victory.

"Substitute," I informed her, nodding my head once towards the front of the classroom.

"I do have eyes you know?" she snarked.

"Lovely ones," I agreed with a smile. She blushed instantly under the compliment but I didn't flinch. The monster was tightly bound today and my thirst was well satiated after a gluttonous hunt last night. I needed to know if Bella would be vulnerable to my allure today. It appeared that she would be.

"Whatever Cullen." Her tone and expression were very controlled indifference but her blush told me otherwise. Quite a handy tool actually that blushing instinct, at least in Bella's case.

"Alright class," the substitute began, writing his name in large block letters on the board. "My name is Mr. Martinez. Your teacher Mr. Banner couldn't make it in today so in the absence of a lesson plan you each have a free period. All I ask it that you keep it down to a dull roar." And with that he sat down and cracked open his spy novel and I was free to put my plan into action.

"So did you bring something else to do today?" I wondered nonchalantly.

"Why are you going to fucking entertain me today Cullen?" she retorted snidely.

"If you'd like me to."

"And if I want you to leave me alone?" I could tell from her tone that she wanted exactly that. It was a shame that I would have to disappoint her.

"Then I would say that you might be disappointed in my plans."

"Seriously though, I have a test I need to study for. I could use the extra time," she said sincerely. She looked up at me through her lashes and I was momentarily distracted by her deep brown eyes. Apparently I wasn't the only one with allures today. There wasn't much I would fall prey to, but those eyes held all the secrets I wanted to unfold and consequently it was quite easy to catch me in them. I would not be put off today though.

"It's Friday Bella. You have all weekend to study." I tried to sound persuasive rather than intimidating. I didn't want her to think I was being a bully.

"It's next hour."

"You have a test in gym?" I questioned quizzically.

Her face puckered in frustration. "How do you know I have gym next period?"

I shook my head. "Bella, this is a very small school and we don't get many new students here. Have you not realized that everyone knows everything there is to know about you?" I was not at all sure this was the right direction to lead her in. I know she did not like extra attention. She was a very private keep-to-herself sort of person.

She furrowed her brow indecisively and then shrugged. "Well then you all really need to get a fucking life if you have nothing better to do than memorize my schedule," she chided.

"Indeed," I agreed in mock repugnance.

"And Alice should really learn to keep her damn mouth shut."

I smirked, completely unsurprised that she'd figured out my source. "I didn't know that you knew my sister."

"It was more of a forced punishment," she admitted with a chuckle.

"Forced punishment?" I wondered.

"Alice didn't give you the details?" She seemed genuinely surprised that I wasn't fully informed.

"Beyond telling me that she was in the mentoring program with you, no." Truthfully I hadn't even thought to ask Alice why Bella landed in the program. I was too shocked at the irony of the matchup.

"I got my ass caught skipping classes and was assigned to Alice's capable hands."

"She seems to like you very much." The words slipped out without my permission and I was sure that Bella would not appreciate my commentary.

"She's cool. I have no complaints." Considering Bella's indifference to life in general that seemed like a strong compliment towards Alice. Did she have complaints about me?

"She's my best friend," I informed her thoughtfully. Bella had once told me that she had no friends. She would do well to have a friend like Alice.

"You know, that's really fucking hard to believe. You two don't seem alike at all."

"People don't have to be alike to be friends," I proposed. "They do say opposites attract."

"Still, Alice is so…" She searched carefully for the right word. "Nice."

"And I'm not." I finished her thought smugly, sure of what she was implying with her tone.

"No, you're not." Her agreement in my assessment was whole-hearted. I had definitely done some damage to my relationship with Bella with all of my attempts at irritation.

"Neither are you." We were alike in that way if in no other.

"True," she conceded.

"But in an effort to be better behaved I brought my iPod today." I slid the player across the desk at her.

"Alice mentioned you liked music," she murmured. Alice and Bella had discussed me? Alice was obviously keeping me out of her thoughts quite amply, more than I'd realized certainly.

"I do," I agreed, "which is why I asked about the iPod thing yesterday. It seemed to upset you for some reason. I'm sorry if I said something that offended you." I hoped the apology would keep us on the right track, or at least in forward motion.

"Ummm…" she hesitated, deciding something in her head before she spoke. "Bad fucking day," she volunteered sincerely. It wasn't a strict apology but I think it was as close as Bella Swan probably got to one.

"Water under the bridge," I declared.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have some weird friggen expressions? You say shit that sounds like crap my grandmother used to say."

Her unparalleled observational skills had caught me again. Rather than feel discouraged by all of things in my nature that she noticed that others were oblivious to, I felt challenged to try harder, more determined to stay on my toes and tried to feel invigorated that I had finally found someone who rose above the average monotony and predictability of humans. I did not allow her remark to register in my expression, keeping it smooth and unaffected, smiling convincingly at her.

"Private school. Too much time with the nuns."

Her fingers ran along the edge of my iPod softly, almost longingly, her face reverent. She was appreciating it, perhaps even coveting it. It was a part of her personality I had not witnessed before, the desire for more than what she had and a true admiration and appreciation for something she understood the worth of. It was fascinating to me that something so trivial as an iPod would provide me with a window into the true Bella. I was in awe as I observed her closely.

"Let's have at it," she mumbled.

Her fingers pressed the button and I could see excitement bloom in her eyes as the screen came to life.

"Ok that's friggen cool. The display is fucking huge." She tipped it sideways and the screen responded in turn by flipping the display ninety degrees. "So cool," she murmured. I wasn't the only one in awe. She perused the options and fingered the music button. "Let's see what artists you have on this puppy."

I was thoroughly amused watching her investigation. I had completely underestimated the importance of music to Bella. It was easy to see that it was a big part of her life observing the enthusiasm she attacked my playlist with. She nodded and smiled and furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes and even laughed out loud once as she scanned the screen in front of her. I wanted to ask her each time she reacted to something what the cause was but I was too caught up in her reactions to stop her.

"So?" I eventually prodded, growing impatient with her silence.

"Keep your shirt on," she ordered gruffly. "I'm almost done."

I laughed softly. She was enjoying herself and I had interrupted her fun. The idea made me inexorably happy.

"Not bad Cullen…not bad at all."

"May I see yours?" I requested politely, far beyond curious how it would compare with my own.

"I'm not sure you can handle my outdated technology," she smirked.

"I'll be fine," I assured her sarcastically.

She dug into her backpack and fished out her iPod, a small silver older generation nano and handed it to me. "Be careful. She's sensitive."

"Sensitive?" I asked curiously, not following her logic.

"Don't fucking break her. I can't afford a new one."

"I'll be very careful," I promised. "And if I break it then you can have mine."

"Well then," she laughed, "be as fucking careless as you want to be then. Drop it. Throw it. Crush it in your big man hands." If only she knew how easily I could do just that she would have never made the joke.

"I'm not looking to buy you a new iPod," I informed her, "but I would certainly replace it if I broke yours. It would only be fair if it died at my hand." More irony. If only she knew…

"My iPod looks ridiculous in your fucking hands."

She was right. The machine was dwarfed by the size of my hands and looked more like a toy than anything else nestled in my palm. I thumbed the dial gently, clicking through the menu options and choosing artists. I scanned the list quickly and was genuinely surprised at the number of bands our playlists had in common. I had not anticipated having musical tastes in common. We were so unalike that I expected our music to reflect those differences.

"Not bad Swan," I mocked.

She laughed, the same light-hearted laugh I'd heard her give Charlie over dinner. Genuine. Content. Unguarded. I had gotten through those godforsaken walls of hers and actually made her happy and the realization was as horrifying as it was awesome. I was elated, almost heady, and I felt an incredible surge of nervous, chaotic energy bursting forth in a very uncontrolled way. I struggled against it, trying to channel it and contain while I picked at the edges of it trying to understand it. It was confounding and bewildering and staggering and I was completely inundated by the rush. I was barely able to remain sitting, let alone still.

"It's better than yours. You may have more space but you've got a lot of shit on there. There is definitely room for improvement."

"I need to enrol in the Bella Swan School of Music Appreciation, do I?" I quipped. Could she see the joy I was working so hard to hide from her? Could she sense the change in the dynamic as I could?

Her expression twisted strangely and I did not understand it. "Ah, no," she declared.

"The classes are all full?" I teased, working furiously to untangle the snared message in her eyes. My mind shot off in a hundred directions at once, replaying our conversation and trying to affiliate her reaction with something that had been said.

I watched her as her shoulders stiffened and her face hardened. The silence was deafening. And when she finally lifted her head to look at me the obvious joy in her once alive eyes was gone and replaced by darkness and deadness. I was at a loss to understand the change.

"Cullen, we may have some music in common, but we aren't friends."

My reaction to her statement was instantaneous, sudden like a bursting bubble, violent like a stabbing knife, final like a bullet. Everything I had been feeling just seconds earlier ceased to subsist, gone like it had never existed and before I had a chance to understand it. My heart sank. I was reeling in shock and disbelief and disappointment and my anger spawned exponentially. Rather than admit what her words had done to me, my defensive response sprang into action. "Of course we aren't friends. You're completely self-sufficient. You don't need anyone and certainly not a friend like me." My words rang with resentment and disgust.

"I don't." It was all very matter-of-fact to her and her apathy only made the sting of rejection worse.

"Then perhaps you should tell Alice that you're wholly incapable of making friends. You don't know my sister but she's already counting on you. The disappointment will kill her."

I tried to recover from the recoil that her words had caused and hide my wounded pride. It was easier to shift the conversation away from myself than provide my anger with a direct avenue for expression. No good would come out of the fury that echoed in my brain. Besides, Bella had no idea the degree of hurt that Alice would feel if she was intentionally misleading Alice by allowing her to put stock in the validity of their friendship.

"Leave Alice out of this," she spat.

"Oh, I see," I mused bitterly. "This is about me. You don't want to be friends with me?"

"Wow, you're quick."

So bitter. So masked. So deceptive. The girl who stood before me was the polar opposite of the one I was with only moments before. I shook my head angrily. Why did she always do this? Why did she push and push and push until there was nothing else I could do? I had two options, surrender or come out fighting and I had no intention of going down without a fight.

"I feel sorry for you Bella Swan. You are so content in your life of misery, so sure that you have everything that you need. You hide behind your anger and bitterness for protection and use sarcasm like a shield to keep everything and everyone away. You won't even try to step outside of your comfort zone to see the world that exists beyond your stringent boundaries." She was openly glaring at me now and I met her eyes with a new fierceness. "No, we are most certainly not friends, and you don't know how thankful I am for that."

I grabbed my iPod off the desk and then my bag and left. I did not look back. I checked myself out of biology and out of Spanish and ran. I ran before my sister and her inevitable questions could find me. I ran from Bella, from her anger and her indifference and her unpredictability. And I ran from myself, from my anger and emotions and the chaos in my head.

There were things in my head that I didn't recognize right now and they frightened me more than the thought of killing Isabella Swan ever had.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you to the faithful readers who have left reviews. I truly appreciate and enjoy the feedback. I like to see the little things that you guys like!


	11. Falling

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

I have reworked this chapter a billion times trying to make it understandable from Bella's messed up perspective. I am in love with how it turned out but often find myself taking at step back and wondering if it translates properly. I hope that it does. Give it time to answer your questions and I'm pretty confident that they will all be answered by the end of the chapter. Enjoy!

Oh and this chapter contains underage drinking. Consider yourself warned.

**Bella's POV**...

* * *

Stupid fucking Prickward and his 'I feel sorry for you Bella Swan.' He could shove it up his ass. Who the fuck did he think he was calling me out in the middle of class like that? He had some fucking nerve. Some shit was just private. Some lines you just don't fucking cross.

I went to class with no expectations but to keep my fucking head on straight. Yesterday I'd royally fucked up. I'd been a hormonally challenged lunatic, but today I was determined to be strong. Yesterday I let myself be affected by Edward Cullen. Today I would not. Or that's what I told myself.

It took exactly one lie for me to fuck up and get caught. He was good, I had to give him that. And I guess on some level I deserved it for even trying to deceive him with my subprime lying skills. Part of me wondered if I was just feeling guilty for the day before and trying to be nice by letting him down easy. I should have just told him to leave me the fuck alone. It would have been way less complicated.

We shot the shit about Alice, and about me getting caught skipping out, and he even apologized at one point for upsetting me the day before. It was really fucking awkward given the freaktacular display I'd put on yesterday, which I kind of apologized for in my own ass-backward way. It was the most normal conversation we'd ever had.

Too normal.

Too comfortable.

Too unlike us.

I didn't even notice what was happening until it was way too fucking late.

So much for being unaffected.

I'd bet my life that he brought that friggen iPod just to get me to talk to him, all a part of his asinine plan to manipulate me. It took five minutes of normal and comfortable with him for me to let my guard down and be overrun by him. I fell for all of it like a fucking loser. I knew he wasn't on the up and up, and my instincts were fucking screaming at me, but I ignored them and fell for his bullshit. He had me too, had me in the palm of his goddamn hand all trusting and shit, ignoring the screaming and falling for him and his motherfucking lines. And even though some part of me knew he was patronizing me by saying anything he thought I wanted to fucking hear just so he could get into my goddamn head I stayed right there in the palm of his hand and disregarded my instincts and believed his lines and continued to fall, pretending I didn't know what was going on.

It was like walking a tight rope, scary and uncomfortable, where your hands are clenching the balancing pole so fucking tightly that your knuckles go white and you're panting and bobbling and freaking out because you know that one misstep will make you fall. So while you search for your equilibrium and regain it and lose it, there is this small part of you, a tiny broken part, that wants to know what it's like to fall even though you know it will be the stupidest motherfucking thing you ever do. And the more you think about it the more you realize that you might not get another fucking chance to try. And you do your best to fight that little voice and you think you can't fight it but the truth is you don't want to. So you give in. And you fall. The wind is whoosing all around you, humming and hissing and warning you, but all you can feel is the high of falling and the freedom that you never allow yourself and it's everything you dreamt it could be and more. Eventually the hissing breaks through and you recognize too fucking late that there's no net to catch you. You realize that the eleventh hour has passed and there's no going back and that it's too late to change anything. And you know that when you hit the ground nothing is ever going to be the same again.

And just before I hit the ground I could hear myself whispering 'stop.'

But it was too late.

I'd already fallen.

Eventually denial fades into acceptance. Only acceptance is so much worse than denial. You try to hide from reality but you can't hide from it. It chases you down like a dog. And when I tuned out the screams and whispers and all the white noise from falling, I could hear the little voice that said, 'this isn't real.'

The acceptance trickled through slowly at first and then rushed at me all at once, and I clawed at it and tried to push it away but suddenly I was choking on it and I wanted it all to stop – the reality and acceptance and whispers and screams and tiny messages of truth. Everything. I **needed** it to stop.

The lies, the pretending, the nice for the sake of being nice, it wasn't me. It would never be me. So I pulled back from him because it was the only thing I could do. It was the only thing still within my power to change.

He doesn't know me so I didn't expect him to understand it. And really, it didn't matter if he understood. I fucking understood. I knew what it meant because I know who I am. He can pretend he knows me all he wants, until the fucking cows come home, but that doesn't make it true. He only understands what I want him to see. And there are parts of me that I don't want to share with him, that I don't want to share with anyone. And I have a fucking right to those parts, to keep them locked up and hidden away from prying eyes and rapacious minds. They're mine, not yours you manipulating bullshitting motherfucker.

You made me fall. Isn't that enough?

So the writing was on the wall. And I thought about ignoring it. The problem is that the message on the wall just continues to stare at you until you believe the truth in it. It's shows up everywhere you look. You can try to run away but you keep looking over your shoulder and you tell yourself that you got away from it but it will always be there, following you forever. Truth was a patient son of a bitch.

And the most important truth was that people like Edward and I just don't mix. Too different or too the same, it didn't matter which. We just didn't make any sense together. You can add it up any way you want to but the numbers will never work out.

We were opposites in every way that mattered. He was perfect, and handsome, and rich, and all of the things that went along with perfect, handsome and rich. I was none of those things. I was broken, and empty, and worthless and only the very few things contained within broken and empty and worthless. He was the vessel through which everything good and positive and hopeful flowed and everyone wanted a piece of him. I was the leper who was avoided and ostracized and dying a little more with each passing minute. He was freedom. He did what he wanted and took what he wanted and didn't care what he left in his wake. I was quarantine. I lived within the protective walls of my lines and it was the only way I knew how to be.

And that's why Edward and I didn't work. He wouldn't let me live within my lines. He pushed and he pulled and he manipulated until the lines were pushed aside. And without my lines I couldn't cope. I couldn't function or think or breathe or exist. Because without the lines all I did was feel.

And I didn't want to feel.

Not anything.

It was too painful.

And that's why falling made me the stupidest motherfucker that ever lived, because falling was all about feeling.

And the floodgates were open and I was feeling everything.

So what did all of the manipulating and ignoring and falling and denial and acceptance and feeling get me? A lecture from the high and mighty Edward, perfect human specimen, ultimate moral authority, who reinforced the reality of what we weren't, who stabbed me with the truth and left me alone with all of my secrets dripping on to the floor like spilled blood.

And while I doubted that anyone else heard what he'd said, it was devastating enough to know they could have.

It was the worst biology class in the history of biology classes - worst day, worst fall, worst everything. And it wasn't even friggen over.

I made excuses to my coach about why I couldn't play basketball that day and I'm sure I looked the part perfectly. I could have probably puked on command if need be. I sat in the bleachers and wallowed and tried to figure out why the fuck I fell when I knew better and what the hell I could do about it now. And the answer was nothing. And it sucked big giant donkey balls.

It took the whole fucking gym class just to call the fall what it really was. I knew what it was, but using the right label made it so fucking real that it scared the shit out of me. And with the goddamn feeling floodgates open, there was nothing I wanted more than to not feel any more pain or fear. But I faced it down and admitted what I'd been fighting for days, admitted the painful idiotic truth of my stupid fall.

I was in love with Edward fucking Cullen.

And with the fear and pain of admitting that fact, my body contracted and convulsed and gagged until I did throw up. All over the bleachers and my shoes and my dignity.

I wasn't completely ungrateful. I was grateful they dismissed gym early so I didn't have to watch everyone watching me and making faces and being grossed out by all my fucking grossness. I know it was gross people. I lived it. Not that I could leave early. I had to go see Alice. And I was grateful for the spare pair of shoes in my locker so I didn't have to walk around smelling like puke. That was pretty much it for my list of things to be grateful for that day though. Not such a long list as far as lists go.

I waited for Alice at the same table in the library and tried to pretend that I hadn't just turned my life into a joke. I went over my lines in my head again and again and tried to find the hole that allowed the mistake. I guess I needed a new line that simply said 'don't be a stupid motherfucker and fall in love with Edward Cullen.' Specific and apt really, and absolutely too fucking late for me to apply.

Alice rushed into the library and stopped dead in her tracks when she caught sight of me. On a normal day I would have called her behaviour bizarre and challenged her on her weirdness but today everything was off. She'd probably already heard the puke story and was wondering if I was going to infect her with some disgusting heinous germ. No worries Alice. No germs here, just a stupid motherfucker who fell in love with your brother. I'm not entirely sure it's not contagious but I'm pretty sure you're immune given your biological relationship.

"Hey," she called with a half-smile full of pity.

"Hey," It didn't even sound like my voice to me.

"Are you okay?" She pulled out a chair and sat down, tossing her book bag aside carelessly, keeping her eyes glued to my face the whole time.

"Fine," I offered half-heartedly. I couldn't even be bothered to make it sound convincing. We both knew it was a fucking lie.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered compassionately.

"I puked. What's to fucking talk about?"

"You puked?" She wrinkled her nose up in disgust.

"That's not what you were talking about?"

"No. I was talking about what happened with Edward."

"How do you know about that?" She couldn't know.

"I saw Edward. He was in pretty bad shape."

"How'd you see him?" I wondered. "He left early."

"I was bringing the attendance to the office when he checked out."

"So you know then?" The shame of my idiocy smothered me again.

"Know what?"

"That we fought." That I'm the queen of stupid motherfuckers.

"You fought?"

"Kinda." It wasn't a fight in terms of name-calling or accusation hurling. But the end result was him feeling insulted and me being devastated.

"What was the fight about Bella?"

"Stuff." Everything Edward said to me had been one hundred percent dead to rights correct. But for as sure as I was that I had insulted him, I was even more sure that he had no idea why I picked the fight or about the grandly fucked up change in my feelings for him.

"You don't want to tell me?" she prodded.

"No." I didn't even want to tell myself.

"I might be able to help?"

"I doubt it."

"I could try talking to Edward to smooth things over for you."

"I don't want to smooth things over." I was pretty sure I'd be fine if I never had to see him again.

"But why?" she asked horrified.

"It is what it is Alice. It was bound to happen. We're like oil and water. We just don't fucking mix." He was the water - clean and healthy and life giving. I was the oil - dirty and greasy and black as night.

"Oh," she sighed. She seemed far more disappointed than she should have been, almost like she'd had her hopes pinned on the two of us being friends, which was really fucking weird since up until yesterday she didn't even know we knew one another.

"So what are you doing this weekend?" I tried to change the subject. I was sick of wallowing.

"Did you want to get together Bella? We could have a girl's night or maybe do some shopping? You really shouldn't be alone when you're this distraught."

"I'm not distraught."

"Yes you are," she assured me.

I squished up my face in confusion and looked at her. "I was just being polite Alice…with the weekend comment."

"Oh," she sighed.

"I don't really do shit like that, the girly crap with the sleepovers and shopping and all that bullshit. It's not really me."

"Jasper and I are going to a party tonight, down at the beach. Did you want to come along?"

I'm sure my discomfort with the idea registered on my face. "I so don't want to be your third wheel Alice. Just…no." The last thing I needed to observe was Alice and Jasper being all lovey-dovey. Dead fucking last thing I needed, or close to it anyway.

"Oh Bella," she squeaked in her high falsetto voice. "Why don't we just call it quits for today. You really seem like you could just use a break."

"Thanks Alice. I appreciate that." She couldn't be more right. I was exhausted. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder as I got up from the chair. The weight of the bag tipped me sideways and I slammed into the table off balance.

"Are you going to be ok to drive?" she wondered.

"Fine," I assured her. "I'll see you Monday Alice, and thanks again for being so understanding."

I couldn't get to my truck fast enough. The thick metal cage of the truck made me feel somewhat better. At least it was predictable. I could count on my truck to be the same, even if everything else in the world had changed.

I went home and took a boiling hot shower and rinsed off the puke smell and covered myself in vanilla and spice scents instead. I still felt like shit. Boiling hot shower water didn't rinse of stupid motherfucker.

I threw myself on my bed and stared out the window and dared myself to be dumb enough to recount the day's events. I'd already proven I was an idiot. Why fight it? I reviewed the day that felt more like a nightmare and I felt foolish in the grand scheme of things to have fallen in love with a boy that hated me, to have ignored all the warning signals along the way that told me to stop being so fucking stupid, to have allowed myself to get comfortable around him and be struck by his beauty and let my guard down even the tiniest bit. I knew better.

The whole situation was entirely fucked up. There was none of the hope or possibility that should exist within the confines of a first love. Only disappointment, over before it began. It was hollow and sterile and barren. It took away the strength I had felt in my aloneness and made me feel lonely. I couldn't even feel happy about falling in love. All I felt was lost and lonely. And it wasn't about him hating me or not reciprocating my feelings or knowing that it would never turn into anything beyond me loving him. It was the horrifying realization that I needed another human being in such an acute way. I wasn't even sure if it was because I needed _him_, or just someone in general. I hadn't needed anyone since my Mom died. It was against my lines to need someone. And because the fucking feeling floodgates were open all I could feel was how much I fucking needed her, which was so stinking pointless because she wasn't coming back to me. Just like Edward would never be mine, she would never be mine ever again either and it hurt just as fucking much to feel that today as it did the day she died.

I pulled the covers over my head and wished for sleep and tried to block out everything around me. I tried to pretend that the world didn't exist beyond my fabric bubble but the realist in me wouldn't let go. I cocooned myself in the comforter from head to toe and waited for the darkness to take me. Even the darkness didn't want me. I tossed and turned and pretended and blocked out and by the end of my patience I had accomplished nothing but aggravating the fucking hell out of myself because the world did exist and I had been an idiot and I had fallen in love and I did miss my mom and I still didn't want any part of any of it.

I needed to close the fucking feeling floodgates before all this feeling rendered me insane. I stared in the mirror and screamed internally at myself. 'Snap the fuck out of this you stupid bitch. Your Mom is not coming back no matter how much you piss and moan about it. You are alone and there isn't a fucking thing you can do about it. You are alone! And so what if you fell in love? You were a stupid motherfucker and fell in love so get the fuck over it. You know there's no such thing as happily ever after. Now get the fuck over yourself and man up and stop wallowing in shit.'

And to my extreme non-amazement it didn't make me feel the least bit better.

I had to get away from all of it some how. I couldn't face Charlie. I had to get out of there. There had to be something to do or some place to go that would grant me the chance to disengage and be numb. I needed it more than anything.

I scribbled a note for Charlie with no specific details and a promise to be safe and be home at a reasonable hour. Of course his definitions of 'safe' and 'reasonable' were probably way fucking different than mine but I was all for open interpretation.

I got in my truck and started driving. I didn't know where I was friggen going and had no particular direction in mind, just random turns that avoided any direction that felt wrong. Before long I was rolling though downtown Forks and it was every bit as boring and uneventful as I'd heard, a group of old ladies on a bench, a couple crossing the street holding hands, one lone neon sign flashing incongruously.

I pondered my choices. The opposite direction led me to school and I highly doubted there would be much to do there at 8:00 PM on a Friday night. East was Seattle and the rest of the world – a tempting option if there had been more travel money at my fingertips. That left me with west. I turned the truck around and headed towards the ocean. The tree-lined roads were pitch black in the darkness so I drove slowly and carefully and waited for the smell of the ocean to waft through the small crack of my open window.

It seemed to take longer to get there than I remembered but it could have just as easily been my impatience to get away. Eventually the countryside started to look familiar and the salty brine of the ocean filled the cab of the truck and I found the same gravel parking lot to pull my truck into. The ocean looked different in the darkness, angrier or lonelier or more ominous somehow, but I had nowhere else to go.

I could hear people in the distance, not all that far off from where I stood. The beach was deserted though so at least I had that. I walked along the water's edge moving up and down the sand to avoid the uprush of swashing waves as they came ashore. It was too cold to go bare foot in the water and the spindrift blowing from the wave tops made it even colder.

Nothing held my attention very long. I climbed the beached logs and skipped stones and watched the dorsal fins of a pod of dolphins bob in and out of the shallow surf. Finally in complete frustration I scaled the worn boulders that made a bridge thirty feet into the water and screamed on the top of my lungs into the wind. No numbness. No disengagement. Even here amongst all the peace of the ocean there was no peace for me. Finally I settled onto the sand and wished for a gigantic whale to come and swallow me whole and put me out of my misery. After the day I'd had it didn't seemed too far fetched.

"Mark, you're an idiot."

My head flew towards the unexpected voice.

"No dude, you're an idiot."

I didn't recognize either boy. When they saw me they erupted into a fit of giggles.

"Get the fuck out of here," I suggested curtly.

"This is a public beach bitch. You ain't got no right to tell us to leave," the taller, fair-haired boy said.

"Dude she's kind of pretty," his dumpy short friend whispered. Only it wasn't a whisper like he thought it was. It was almost a yell.

I got to my feet with the intention of leaving. The search for anything that would help me forget the day had been fruitless and the last thing I fucking needed was to deal with these two drunktards.

"You wanna come to a party?" the dumpy one offered. I remembered that Alice had mentioned a party earlier. "Free booze."

Suddenly the party seemed like a great idea. Who was I to turn down the only thing that might make me numb at this point? I wasn't going with these two dolts though. "Thanks but no thanks."

"I told you she was a bitch," the taller one offered as they turned away from me and back towards what I assumed was the party. I waited a minute or so and followed behind them, leaving plenty of room so I wouldn't be caught. As soon as I got past the clump of beach grass at the edge of the dune I could see the lights up ahead. The house and surrounding property was brightly lit and there were all kinds of kids on the beach behind it and on the deck that came off the back of the house.

As soon as I was close enough I started scanning the crowd for familiar faces. I found Mike Newton first, just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse! Then I realized that he had his tongue down Jessica Stanley's throat so the likelihood he'd even notice I was there was slim at best. There were other faces too. Lauren Idontgiveashitwhathernameis was off in the corner looking board, snapping her gum like the annoying wench that she was. Eric and Tyler were on the deck arguing over the best adaptation of a comic book to the big screen. I nodded a 'hi' to Angela Weber as I passed her on the stairs. She was the only one of the bunch I could honestly say I liked. I searched the crowd one last time for Alice. She wasn't there. This party was even too lame for even Alice to have fun. But free booze was free booze.

I found the well-stocked kitchen with little trouble – just had to follow the line of drunks. They were everywhere, huddled on couches and leaning in doorways and sitting on counters and floors and any flat spot that could fit an ass. There was a room of mellow well-behaved drunks and another full of too-young wannabe-frat-boys body slamming and cursing and probably destroying the room and all its contents. A least it wasn't my friggen house.

I just wanted to grab some liquid anaesthetic and go and that narrowed the choices of what I could pull from the fridge. Beer would have worked if I could stomach the taste but it generally made me want to gag to start with. A big ol' bottle of wine would have been fine too but there was no wine anywhere that I could see. That left me with coolers, coolers and oh, coolers. Orange ones, red ones, clear ones, - the choices were bountiful. I settled on 'orange smoothie,' so the label told me. I took one from the fridge and twisted off the top and downed the bottle without stopping. Yep, orangey and delicious and just what a growing girl needed to numb her soul. Second verse, same as the first. Drink face here I come! I pulled a second bottle from the fridge and repeated the action. It took me a little longer to down it but it was every bit as delicious. My compliments to the chef or party planner or poor parent who stocked the fridge. Excellent taste!

I could carry four bottles safely so I did exactly that, grabbed four bottles of orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods and snuck out the front door, bottles in hand. It was easy enough to get away from the crowd since the entirety of the party guests were in the house or at the beach. I stuck to the trees hoping to find a trail that led back to the public beach but no such luck. That I expected for lucky I was not, so I was ok with no trail. I had my liquor and my solitude and that was all I could ask for. I found a place to sit, a rather uncomfortable fallen tree trunk that was green and squishy and covered in moss but it beat sitting on my ass on the soggy ground. I was another two bottles down before I knew it, and I was comfortably numb.

There was music coming from the party now, loud dance music that would normally annoy me with its clichéd rhythms and repetitive beats but tonight my toe was tapping and I had the urge to get up and dance. Everything else in the fucking world had changed, why not my dancing urges too? I stuck out my right leg and tested the ground while moving my toes in time to the music. It all _seemed_ rather easy and straightforward enough. I slid my body out of my makeshift chair and stood completely still for a moment, eyes closed, just soaking up the music. Without my permission my hips started to sway and my arms moved above my head interpreting the music that tickled my ears. My body was going to dance and I was too drunk to stop it. I quickly grabbed another bottle and went with it.

I was spinning and laughing and dancing and generally making a complete ass of myself and it was the biggest high I'd had in months. I didn't have to bother to care because there was no one there to impress. I didn't have to do what was expected because there was no one there to put expectations on me. I didn't have to pretend or be anything but what I was because there was no one there to shoot me down. And I was too fucking drunk to care about any of it anyway. I was free and I celebrated that freedom zealously.

I jumped on my soggy tree trunk chair and played air guitar and sang into my bottle as loud as I could push the words from my mouth. And when the song finished I did it all again on the next song. I did it again and again until I was a panting, sweaty mess with no alcohol left to drink.

And then I collapsed into my makeshift chair and closed my eyes and let the tree trunk behind me hold my body up while the numbness consumed me.

The fucking feeling floodgates had been successfully barricaded by copious amounts of alcohol.

And I was happy.

And that was fucking something.

"That was quite a show."

I'd know that voice anywhere, even with my eyes closed. Perhaps I was dreaming it due to said amounts of alcohol? It wasn't out of the realm of possibility. I didn't have the courage to open my eyes and find out if I was doing this to myself or if he really was there and I couldn't decide which option I wanted to be true.

"Do you always dance alone in the forest?" His voice sounded so real.

"Only on the third Friday of every two hundred and tenth month."

I could be snarky if he was just a figment of my imagination couldn't I? If he was just an illusion then couldn't he be better than the real Edward? Couldn't I make him whatever I wanted him to be – kind, caring, and true – and even better, couldn't I be me? Not some made up version of who people thought I was but just me, faults and all. And if he was an illusion wouldn't it all still be ok?

"What a coincidence," he chuckled, a deep throaty rumble that would have made his Adam's apple bob in the sexiest of ways. I could see it in my head and I licked my lips in response.

"Edward."

I wished for him in a soft whisper and I opened my eyes to see if he was really there.

"I'm right here Bella."

He stood ten feet from me, leaning against a tree, smiling his perfect crooked grin, too good to be true. If he was imaginary then my imagination had outdone itself.

"So you are," I agreed. I still hadn't decided if he was truly real.

"And why are you right here?" he wondered. I could see the sparkle in his eyes as they held mine and waited for me to answer.

"Having a fucking party," I answered honestly. "The best way to forget a shitty day is to have a celebration."

"You had a bad day?" Real/non-real Edward sounded surprised.

"No I had a shitty day. There's a difference. Shitty is way more fucking bad than bad. You should know...you were there."

"Then what are you celebrating?" What was I celebrating? I couldn't remember.

"Dancing." Or was dancing part of the celebration?

"You're celebrating dancing or celebrating with dancing?" Real/non-real Edward was confusing me.

"Both. Would you like to dance with me Edward?"

"Yes." Real/non-real Edward's voice sounded very sincere, but that was the point where I stopped caring whether he was real or not. It didn't matter. I didn't want to know if being in his arms and pressed up against him wasn't real. I would just pretend it was.

* * *

**A/N:** Phew. **takes a deep breath** Kind of a long chapter but uber important. Next one is just as intense and also uber important. Thanks to everyone who has left reviews. I love the feedback!


	12. Shift

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

Another defining chapter. No direct alcohol consumption by a minor in this chapter but it's hinted at. Consider yourself warned.

**Edward's POV**...

* * *

Even running didn't help me today. No speed was fast enough, no distance far enough to outrun the thoughts in my mind. I don't even know how long I ran, searching for some place to escape the chaos in my head, some place where I could just feel peace. I didn't even want to understand the thoughts. I just wanted to forget them, forget the way Bella made me feel and the sting of her rejection. I knew before I started that it would be ineffectual but I was resisting everything that had to do with her, trying to keep her out the way she kept me out. I didn't like feeling so vulnerable.

As I got nearer to home I could already hear Alice. She was fit to be tied and ready to duel. I fought the urge to turn around and head back into the forest. I was in no mood for her questions. I hadn't even been able to answer my own.

'Don't even try and run Edward. I will catch you.' She could hear my approach to the house. There was no getting away from her. I headed to my room and ignored her mental tantrum on my way up the stairs. She would be angry with me for my lack of answers but that would be her problem, not mine. I couldn't give answers I didn't have.

Without even allowing me a moment to myself she appeared in my doorway. Her thoughts were screaming at me. The disapproving grimace on her face was markedly condescending, and her cold eyes were shooting daggers at me. 'What did you do to Bella?'

I glanced in her direction apathetically. "Nothing."

Her silence continued while she squirmed in place likely trying to control her temper. 'She told me you fought.'

"She told you we fought?" I asked, feeling a little confused at the choice of words. It was a very loose interpretation of what had occurred in class today.

'Yes.'

"Well we didn't." Not in words anyway. I hadn't done anything to Bella; she just naturally seemed to spend the majority of her waking hours angry. What she had done to me was another story.

'Then what was she talking about Edward?' Alice's mental tone shifted away from anger and towards confusion. Welcome to my world Alice.

"Alice, leave me alone. Leave this alone. I told you this is not your problem to fix."

'You upset her Edward. You should have seen how distraught she was.'

Bella was distraught? Not from anything I'd said to her certainly. "Something must have happened to her in gym."

'No Edward, Bella specifically said it was you.'

"Said what was me? Nothing happened," I insisted. "We shared our playlists and then like always, she shut down on me. I assure you whatever she was feeling was self-inflicted and not due to anything I said to her."

'Well what did you do when she shut down?'

I reran the very familiar conversation through my mind for the hundredth time. "She told me we weren't friends and I agreed," I edited.

'But she was so upset! She said that you two didn't mix, that you were like oil and water.'

"She was correct," I conceded curtly.

'But she was so upset.' Alice's thoughts effused Bella's upset to the point that she was upsetting herself.

"I don't know Alice. She won't let me in. If you want to find out why Bella was so upset you're going to have to ask her."

"But my visions Edward," she whispered.

I scanned her mind. The visions were still very hazy and ambiguous but there were new ones, places I didn't recognize specifically and even one that seemed to show Bella and I together. It was too obscure to pinpoint. And then I saw the pair of eyes I'd know anywhere, that I knew by heart, the same ones that haunted my own memories. In between the misty visions of Alice's mind were her memories of Bella as they sat in the library together. I saw Bella through Alice's eyes and Bella's eyes were the saddest eyes I'd ever seen. It was piercing and wretched how they made my body feel. Had I done that to her?

'What is it Edward?' Alice noticed the change in my body language.

"I don't know Alice. And I can't answer your questions. I don't know what upset her and I don't know why she was distraught in the library. Now please, just leave me in peace. I've given you all the answers I have."

She left reluctantly, her thoughts still centred on Bella and me and I closed the door behind her wishing she hadn't shown me those despairing eyes. And for as hard as I tried, I could not forget them or stop wondering what had happened to make Bella so sad. It was very unlike her to show emotion. I'd never witnessed any emotion so pronouncedly acute in her aside from anger.

She had gym between biology and meeting with Alice. Perhaps some disagreement between her and a classmate had sparked her despondency? It took very little consideration to realize the impossibility in the idea. It was a possibility for most people, but not for Bella. She didn't care enough about anyone to be upset by them. And while the idea that it could have been something I'd said or done wasn't out of the realm of possibility, it seemed immensely implausible. Based on my own logic that would imply that Bella had some degree of feelings for me and I knew that to be a plenary falsehood.

The last comment I had made to her before leaving biology echoed in my head. Perhaps her sadness could simply be attributed to my assessment of her life. What I had said was entirely truthful, even she couldn't dispute it, but perhaps it bothered her that I understood her more than she would have liked? But if my words truly hit too close to home than wouldn't she be angry rather than sad? It's not as if I had pointed out anything new to her. She embraced her misery; anyone could see that. It seemed very unlikely that my assessment could have caused her upset.

The more I examined her sad eyes, the more confused I became. The pieces of the puzzle that made up Bella Swan were complicated and intricate and frustrating, and the more I came to know about her, the less I understood. Just when I thought I had made some advancement towards getting to know her today, I was abruptly shoved back into obscurity, and the feelings that her rejection had fashioned unnerved me.

This afternoon's events made everything between Bella and I impossibly more complex. I had never known a joy like I felt in evoking her happiness directly today or in getting her to open up to me. And I had never known such rejection when she shut me back out. Both sets of feelings were extreme and intense, with highs and lows of emotion I had not experienced prior. I could not determine what it all meant. I was stuck in the pain of her rejection and juggling the acuteness of every emotion held within. Certainly my pride had been deeply wounded, but it was more that that. Even discounting the rejection, the terminus of the interaction felt too personal to be understood within the context of my relationship with Bella as I had defined it. As I worked to examine the pieces before me and peel back the layers, the answers continually eluded me. It was as if it was there at my fingertips but just out of my reach, much like Bella herself was.

I always landed up back at those sad brown eyes. They tormented me. If I had been the cause of Bella's sadness and she had been the cause of my pain did that mean just what she had told Alice, that we did not mix? Or did it mean something more, something I could not understand without further information. And there was still the issue of Alice's visions and how they tied into all of it somehow.

I tried to break the problem down into its simplest pieces. There was my own pain, and while I was uncomfortable with the magnitude of my reaction, I would get over it. I could set it aside. There was the interaction of Bella and I together, a seemingly hopeless synergy that I could do nothing about on my own. And there was Bella's sadness, which was as out of characters as my reaction had been, but somehow even more so for her. And when I thought of her sad eyes what I felt more strongly than anything else was the growing need to comfort her. It was undoubtedly the most confusing of all of my feelings. It was in direct contrast to the manner in which I needed to treat Bella to protect her. I could not reconcile it against my bloodlust. Yet, there was familiarity in the feeling. Perhaps that was why I was unable to use Bella's mother against her, because to do so would be at odds with my desire to comfort her, and only now was I able to name the apprehension.

What I did understand was that I needed to find Bella, and it was perhaps the only thing I understood.

Alice knew what I needed as soon as I made my decision; her visions reflected the changes in my thoughts. She did not scruple in sharing her visions with me - Bella sitting on a beach by herself, still very unhappy – even though I may not have deserved her allegiance.

I poked my head into her room before leaving.

"I'm sorry for earlier Alice," I said sincerely. "I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. And thank you for your help."

"Just be good to her Edward. She still seems so sad. That's not Bella."

"I know, and I will be."

I flew as fast as my feet would take me towards the ocean. I recognized the beach in Alice's vision and I was impatient to get to Bella, but in the short time it took me to get there she had disappeared. Her truck was still parked up the road a bit so I knew she couldn't have gotten far. I could hear a party in the distance and even though a party didn't seem like Bella's choosing it was my best guess.

I stuck to the trees hoping to remain inconspicuous while I looked for her. I caught her scent first, long before I saw her. Her normally floral fragrance was partially masked by the sweetness of oranges and molasses and caramel. Alcohol I presumed, rum in my estimation. I followed the strange mixture of aromas away from the beach and further into the thickening forest. It wasn't long before I stumbled onto a very drunk Bella. She was not the girl in Alice's visions, nor the girl I had come to know in class. The change in her was staggering. Even if I'd had the courage to interrupt I don't think I could have, and I didn't try, too fascinated by her behaviour. I stayed in the shadows of the trees and watched her intently. Her slender frame swayed slowly in time with the music while her arms waved above her head. She seemed completely at peace, one with the music, and I smiled to myself because I had been right about the importance of it in her life. The significance of my cognition meant little in the grand scheme of things but it meant considerably more to me personally. It gave me the courage to move a few steps closer.

When the tempo of the music changed so did Bella's movements. The next song had a much harder edge and Bella's soft swaying transformed into bouncing and head banging. Her long brown curls collided with her shoulders like angry crashing waves. I'd never seen her expend so much energy at living. She was breathtaking.

I watched as she spun faster than a top and laughed liked she didn't have a care in the world. I wondered if the change was alcohol-induced or simply a by-product of finally being able to relax but whatever it was it was a glorious sight to behold. Nothing seemed to hold her back. She changed with each song, dancing and singing and playing guitar and never sitting still. I enjoyed watching her so much that I was sad to see her finally sit down.

I struggled with my desire to let her enjoy her peace and my need to talk to her. She deserved the equanimity. But I had to know more. I couldn't resist her pull.

"That was quite a show."

Her posture remained unchanged after I spoke, resting against a tree's trunk with her eyes closed. There was something in her countenance that changed though, her expression softened and took on an almost angelic tranquility. I'd never seen her look more beautiful.

"Do you always dance alone in the forest?" I wanted to ask her to open her eyes so I could see into them but I didn't want to disturb her. It felt like it would be asking too much.

"Only on the third Friday of every two hundred and tenth month," she replied cheekily.

"What a coincidence." I laughed softly. Impressive math on her part considering the pungent essence of alcohol that was radiating from her.

She seemed to lean forward towards the sound of my voice but I couldn't be sure. Then she licked her lips and smiled as if she was remembering something that pleased her. I was about to ask her what she was thinking when I heard her soft whisper.

"Edward."

If I'd had a heartbeat it would have sped at the melodious soft tone she'd spoken in. I'd never heard my name sound so sweet. I pressed my lips tightly together resisting the urge to beg her to open her eyes.

"I'm right here Bella." I intended my voice to sound reassuring by it broke on the honesty, betraying the emotion I'd worked all day to bury.

Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a few times adjusting to the darkness.

"So you are," she agreed with a smile. Was she happy to see me or was it just the alcohol? I tried in vain for the millionth time to focus on her unreachable thoughts, dying to know what she was thinking.

"And why are you right here?" It wasn't a question I really wanted the answer to but it seemed like the next logical thing to ask.

"Having a fucking party," she announced proudly. "The best way to forget a shitty day is to celebrate!" She nodded her head in agreement, as if she was having a conversation with herself.

"You had a bad day?" I didn't want to make any assumptions or admit what I'd seen in Alice's thoughts. I needed her to tell me. Would she?

"No I had a shitty day." She closed her eyes and shook her head a bit. Her movement reminded me of a young child the way she used her whole body to convey her ideas. I waited for her to explain further. "There's a difference. Shitty is way more fucking bad than bad." Her eyes found mine, waiting for me to agree with her. "You should know...you were there."

I had been the cause of her sadness. My heart sank. What had I said to her that had hurt her so much?

"Then what are you celebrating?" I wondered.

"Dancing."

I stifled the laugh that threatened. Bella didn't strike me as a closet dancer. It was definitely out of character for her.

"You're celebrating dancing or celebrating with dancing?" I asked seeking clarification.

Her face wrinkled up in confusion in the most endearing way. The alcohol in her system had definitely compromised her mental alertness.

"Both."

She smiled proudly at me. I could see the wheels in her head turning and my curiosity tugged at me. What could she be thinking?

"Would you like to dance with me Edward?"

I froze in place, stunned at her invitation. She wanted to dance with me? I knew what the right answer to her question was, what the safe reply was.

"Yes." Not the right or safe answer but it was what I wanted more than anything in that moment.

Her answering smiling lit up the entire forest.

I stepped guardedly toward her, completely unsure of myself. I was one hundred percent awkward teenage boy, shedding my immortal skin for a much less comfortable one.

When she held her hand out to me I froze again. She didn't know how cold my skin was. Would it repulse her?

She sensed my hesitancy.

"It's okay Edward. I don't bite. I promise."

Oh the irony – it was almost painful.

"I can't make the same promise," I warned, playfully hiding the truth of my admittance. It was so unfair of me to put her in such danger but I was completely unable to resist her.

"That's ok. I like biting," she confessed, doubling over in a fit of giggles. It was all a game to her. She was completely unaware of the risk she was taking in being so close to me. Her teasing was like an invitation to the monster. Why was he not rejoicing?

She tried to compose herself, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle the sound of her laughing. When she'd contained the giggling she moved her fingers along the length of her lips and then made a motion like she was throwing something over her shoulder - zipping her mouth shut and throwing away the key. How could such a juvenile action appeal to me? Yet somehow it did and I smiled at her.

She stepped closer to me and even masked by oranges and rum her scent torched my throat with all the heat and fury of hell but there was a difference. It was a fusion of pain and pleasure, the burn of my thirst mixed with felicity and delectation and self-indulgence. I recognized the emotions but did not take the time to question them. I was wholly focused on Bella. I had never allowed myself to be that close to her. It was heady.

Her small hand came up to rest on my shoulder. It felt almost as hot as the fire of my thirst. She smiled up at me and held out her other hand for me to take.

A million questions bounced around in my mind. Could I be this close to her and keep her safe? Was it fair to test the boundaries of my control without her knowledge? Was I strong enough to get myself out of the current situation? Did I even want to? There was no time for me to hesitate without risking insulting her and somehow my body reacted properly even without me engaging it. My right hand slid around her back and held her lightly. My left hand moved out to take hers. I smiled back at her.

She did not flinch when my cold hand closed around hers. I stared at our hands, her tiny palm contained within my own and waited, waited for her delayed reaction, for her to pull away and run away from me. She did neither and I did not understand why not.

"You have to move us," she whispered before closing her eyes and giggling again.

I began to guide her body with my hand, moving us in time together to the music. She stumbled a little on the brush under her feet and then laughed again.

"I don't dance," she admitted quietly, looking up at me. Her cheeks flushed lightly and in the darkness of the forest her red cheeks affected me in an entirely different way this time. There was no instinctual reaction, no monster roaring. She just became somehow more beautiful under its affects, her brown eyes brightening against the glow.

I smiled back at her, too afraid to speak as my emotions whirled in my head. I pushed back every question that popped into my head, content on being in the moment…in the second. She allowed me to spin her slowly away from my body. Her movements were not smooth. She bobbled mid-spin and snorted and smiled and closed her eyes. She was not embarrassed. In fact she seemed to be appreciating the turning. I selfishly wished that it were my hand in hers or my strength leading her that pleased her. I realized it was more than I could hope for but it was still less than what I wanted.

I guided her back to me. Again she lost her balance, tripping on a twig and thudding dully into my chest. I caught her by the shoulders and stilled her. She looked up at me with those captivating eyes of hers. There was no trace of the sadness that filled them earlier that afternoon, nor the happiness I had seen in biology. I did not recognize the emotion I saw contained in them but sensed it was something positive. It was so unlike our normal interaction.

She laughed again and pulled away from me, spinning herself out of my reach and towards the trees. My hands felt cold and empty. It was over too fast and I yearned for more.

"Wheeeee," she exalted as her body spun.

"Be careful Bella," I warned. "You've had a lot to drink. You'll make yourself sick."

"Sick, schmick," she chided. "I know what I'm doing."

"I'm sure you do."

I was glad one of us did. I had no clue. I watched her move around, wordless.

"What are you doing here Edward?" she asked suddenly, curiously.

"Running," I lied. I couldn't admit I had been looking for her. I couldn't tell her that finding her was the only thing that made sense to me or that I wanted to soothe away the sadness she'd felt that I was not supposed to know about.

"I was running too. Shhhhh." I didn't understand her comment or her request.

"Why are we being quiet?" I asked.

"We're not," she yelled exuberantly, jumping onto a fallen log and throwing her arms up into the air. "I just didn't want anyone else to hear that I was running."

I had to attribute the variance in her behaviour to the alcohol. There was no other reason that she would be yelling now when she'd been whispering a moment ago. There was no logic in her thoughts.

"Why? Is it a secret?" I wondered.

"It's not a secret from you. Is it a secret that you were running?" She seemed to be confusing herself now too.

"No," I assured her with a chuckle.

"Who were you running from?" she wondered, her lips rounding into a pout.

"I wasn't running from anyone. I was just running. It's what I do when I need to think." It was more information than she needed but the lie was becoming more complicated and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to lie to her. There were enough things about me that I couldn't share. Sharing this simple detail somehow uncomplicated the lie in my head the tiniest bit.

"I think way too fucking often. I run when I want to get away from something."

"You run?" I asked surprised.

"No silly," she giggled, "not normally anyway." She jumped off the log and ran past me playfully.

"What are you trying to get away from Bella?" The loaded nature of the question didn't escape my mind.

"Shhhhh. You. Shhhhh."

I couldn't help but smile by her unexpected answer and the irony of it. She was running from me and I was running from her. A strange mix of emotions descended on me, joy and fear and misunderstanding. All of the pieces that I had fit together began to come apart.

"Why are you running from me?" I asked softly, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

"You're very cute, you know?" she asked as she spun by me again.

I smiled at her strange attempt to change the subject and turned toward her as she passed me, following her with my eyes.

"Cute?" I asked, surprised.

"Okay, fine," she giggled.

"Fine?" I questioned.

"Yes, fine, like handsome fine, not fine fine."

"You…think…you think I'm handsome?" I stuttered, shocked.

"But far too good for me," she assured me decidedly. The shift in her mood was almost tangible.

"I assure you that's not the case," I whispered painfully.

"I'm not shitting you Edward. I'm no good for you. You're…well, you're…and I'm…well I'm just…" She struggled to find the words she wanted and I struggled watching her pain take hold. In all of my wildest dreams I never once thought that such a side existed in the belligerent and confident Bella Swan.

"Whatever you think of me Bella, I can guarantee you that you are much too good for me. I'm not the man you think I am." I wanted her to hear me, to hear the warning hidden in my words, to understand that I was not what she thought me to be.

She slumped against a tree and mindlessly twirled a tress of her hair around her finger. Her peaceful expression had dissolved into a grimace. "You don't understand Edward. I'm broken and black. There's nothing inside of me but emptiness."

My fingers dug into my palms and my fists clenched in resistance. I did not like hearing her speak lies about herself.

"That's not true," I disagreed. "I don't think you see yourself very clearly."

"No, it's true. I'm nothing."

"Bella," I whispered disapprovingly.

"Worthless."

"No," I insisted.

"Defective."

"You are not defective Bella," I declared emphatically. I didn't even know why I was fighting against her accusations except that some instinct inside of me was pushing back at every insult she hurled at herself.

"Mutilated, smashed, cracked, shattered, mangled. It doesn't matter what adjective you use for me. I'm not human."

The pain was so severe it was as if she'd stabbed me. I could not fathom the degree of hurt that lived within her to make her see herself as unfit to be considered human. I knew what it meant to be something other than human. She wasn't like me. She was just…lost.

"I know it feels like that, but take it from me," I offered softly. "From what I've learned about you, you're an intelligent, capable woman and just because you can't see it in yourself doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And I know there is a part of you that's broken, but that part is in all of us, in you…in me…in everyone. And that broken part doesn't define you. It's just a part of the whole. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for."

She looked up at me with tears in her beautiful brown eyes and I was suddenly drowning, overcome by my need to soothe her and take away her pain. I reached out for her, pulling her to me and cupping her tiny pale cheeks between my hands. My eyes locked on hers. I didn't know what I could be to her, if I was even capable of being anything. But I knew I had to try.

"You're not alone Bella," I whispered.

I tried to read the message in her eyes but I didn't understand it.

"What are you thinking?" I begged. It was a relief to finally ask her.

"Kiss me," she murmured.

Before I consciously knew what I was doing, and before I could understand any of the desires or motivations or fears or warnings, I was honouring her request. I bent my head down towards her face and let my lips brush against hers as softly as a feather. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I hesitated, waiting to see if she'd pull away from me but she didn't. She stayed still between my hands with her eyes closed and sighed lightly. I leaned in again and pressed a light kiss to her lips and she responded this time. Her lips came alive under mine, sweeping over mine like a gentle caress. Her mouth felt warm and soft and supple beneath my lips. My hands dropped from her face and I gathered her in my arms. She closed the last of the space between us, pressing her diminutive body against mine. Her arms reached around my waist and pulled me closer still. Every responsible instinct in my body was screaming at me to stop but they were completely overridden by the power she held over me. Somehow the pull I felt from Bella's direction heightened and suddenly my fear that I would take her life dissolved and the only thing I feared was never touching her again.

When she pulled back from my kiss I let my forehead rest lightly against hers just to keep her near to me for a moment longer. I felt the world shift around me, as if everything around me had sped up and everything that I could reach out and touch had slowed to a stop. And in that moment I knew I would never be the same again.

I looked down at her searching for the words to express myself but lost my focus when I saw the odd look on her face.

"Bella, are you okay?" I asked.

She collapsed against me. The only thing holding her up were my arms wrapped around her body.

"Bella, are you okay?" I could feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest against my body and I could hear her heartbeat as it slowed to its normal pace. She remained still in my arms. And when she did not come to I realized that she would not. She had passed out. I chuckled to myself when I thought about how I could tease her about this. She would blush profusely and I would enjoy every second of it.

I tucked her head safely into my neck and scooped her full weight into my arms. Carrying her through the forest and back to her truck was effortless. After I gingerly fished her keys from her pocket, I unlocked the truck and belted her in. Her eyes fluttered opened for a second.

"It's okay Bella. I'll get you home safely."

"Mmmkay," she mumbled. She smiled at me appreciatively and then slipped back under.

I drove her home and carried her upstairs once we got there. Luckily her uncle was fast asleep or I imagine Bella would have had a lot of explaining to do. I laid her softly down on the bed and pulled her boots from her feet. Her sleep continued undisturbed even with the jostling. I covered her body with the comforter and planted one last kiss on her forehead. She was too out of it to understand the change in my world but I understood it completely.

I was in love with Bella Swan.

There was no more fighting or resisting. The pull was a part of me now, an unbreakable and unchanging tie to this impossible girl that I would love forever. I didn't know if she would even have me but it did not matter to me. There was no turning back and I didn't want to.

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**A/N:** Comments are love!!!


	13. Ignorance

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

I was very pleased to see that the story has 100 alerts on it now. YAY! It makes me happy that you guys are interested and enjoying it. Thank you to everyone who's reading and reviewing.

Bella's POV...

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I was sure I was dead. Everything hurt, from my eyelashes to my toenails. I had no desire to open my eyes, sure I would find myself tucked neatly into a coffin wearing some fucking ugly dress that I'd have never willingly put on unless I was dead. I had to be dead. It was impossible to hurt this much and still be alive, of that much I was sure. I slowly opened one eyelid. The drab light that filtered through the curtains from the sunless sky burned my eyes and made my head pound. I shuddered to think about what bright sunlight would feel like. I wasn't dead, so I concluded must be on my deathbed, in the final moments of my life, waiting for the grim reaper to come and get me. What the hell was wrong with me?

And then I remembered - six bottles of orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods, in probably 60 minutes of time. I decided I had to rename it – orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods that makes you feel like ass the next day. In fact, I think I felt worse than ass. Ass would have been an improvement over how I felt.

My head was pounding and there would be no getting rid of the pain without taking something for it. I gingerly sat myself up. The whole room shifted and my stomach lurched. I hated puking, with a passion. And I had just thrown up yesterday, so I begged the universe to stop the gagging and promised to feel like shit for the whole day as penance for my stupidity in lieu of the puking. I stumbled to the bathroom and found some acetaminophen in the medicine cabinet for my head. The cool water from the tap felt good in my mouth.

I peeked into Charlie's room but he was already gone. It was Saturday and I knew he had plans to fish with a couple of his buddies. I was glad for his absence. I didn't need a witness to my hangover. And it's not that I didn't deserve the very stern and serious lecture he would have given me, it's just that I didn't want to fucking hear it. Because I needed to forget the rest of the world existed last night. It's not every day a girl falls in love for the first time…with a boy who is perfect in every way…who hates her…who she has zero chance of a future with. Or maybe it was? But it wasn't for me.

I plodded downstairs to find something to drink. I briefly considered breakfast but decided not to risk it. I would sacrifice my Cheerios to the gods of puking in lieu of their blessing, or as a sign of good faith to them, or whatever it was that would make them look positively on me and keep me from not tossing my cookies.

I sat down at the kitchen table with my glass of water, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them to hold my legs to my chest. The sight of my truck at the curb caught my attention through the window and I felt my stomach churn again. How the fuck was my truck here? That's when I realized I had no fucking idea how I got home last night? The last thing I could clearly remember was hallucinating Edward in the middle of the goddamn forest with me, drinkologically speaking of course. But how the hell did I get home? Normally I would have just passed out right there and woken up with twigs and shit in my hair. But I never drove drunk. Never. I could be as big a dumbass as the next teenager with my own life but I would never drive drunk. So who the hell brought me home?

I ran through the list of possible candidates. It was short. Super fucking short. And that would be because I had no friends and liked it that way. Still I'd seen a few familiar faces – Mike, Angela – okay two familiar faces. Maybe Alice had shown up after the fact and driven me home? Of course she would have had to find me first since I was in the middle of the freaking forest. Or maybe I'd wandered back to the party? God I hoped I hadn't done that. I would say anything when I was drunk. It was painfully embarrassing. I would just go on and on with complete candour and zero tact – total fucking verbal diarrhea. My mind flooded with all the horrible possibilities. Friday was definitely the worst fucking day ever! And though I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out the events of last night, I still could not remember how I got home.

I spent the day catching up on laundry and cleaning and pretty much avoiding anything and everything that had to do with the outside world. I also took a really long hangover-induced-crappy-sleep nap because well, I'd slept like crap because I was drunk. Sunday was wasted on homework and perhaps more cleaning that I'd already fucking done but did again anyway to avoid Charlie. He was in a rare sharing mood, offering me every opportunity to tell him all the details of the day-to-day shit of my life. I'd told him there was nothing to tell but I don't think he believed me. Was I that fucking transparent that even Charlie had picked up on my stupid ass fall for Edward too? I was actually looking forward to Monday and getting back to school to get away from his questions and that was just really friggen wrong. Forks was not good for me. It was just more proof.

On my way out the door Monday morning I shoved my hand into the pocket of my raincoat for my keys but came up empty. I went back into the house and searched the table in the entryway, the kitchen counter and even the laundry room. They were nowhere to be found. I tore my backpack apart. No keys. I questioned Charlie thinking maybe he'd borrowed them for something and he assured me he hadn't. So where the fuck had I put them? I grabbed the extra set in frustration and left with a grumble. It wasn't like me to misplace things. I was beginning to think that falling in love had completely fried my brain.

I pulled into the lot at school irritated and frustrated, running through places where I might have set my keys down, not really paying attention to anything around me while I parked the truck. Edward's silver Volvo caught my eye when I stretched to grab my backpack, parked just a few spots down from mine. He was leaned back against the car, one leg bent with his foot resting on the car door looking every bit the relaxed gorgeous prick that he was. I started up the sidewalk after locking up the truck and he was fucking openly staring at me with his smug little lopsided smirk, not the least bit embarrassed by his behaviour or trying to hide it.

"Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck," I yelled. That's what I would have yelled at him last week if he'd done that. No need to change my behaviour just because I fell in love with the asshole.

His expression warped in the strangest fucking way. Almost like confusion. I laughed out loud and kept walking. It wasn't my fault if he couldn't understand plain English.

I had no idea what I was going to say to him in biology and still hadn't figured anything out by the time lunch arrived. I grabbed an apple and a bottle of water and headed to a little used table off to the side of the cafeteria, not in the fucking mood to put up with the inane chatter of the regular crowd I sat with. I was too worried about fucking up in biology to make small talk. I opened my textbook and pretended to read while I pondered what the hell I should say to Edward. A tray slid onto the table across from me.

"Bella, you got us a table." Joy was practically effusing from him.

"No Mike. I got _me_ a table." I hoped he could hear the emphasis in my words.

"You don't wanna sit alone do you?" I'm sure he intended his tone to be sweet and sincere and for it probably to be hard to say no to. Poor Mike, ever the Jack Russell chasing his tail.

"No actually I do, thus the table by myself," I explained. "Hey Mike did you have fun with Jessica on Friday night?"

He looked at me surprised. "Ah…yeah…I guess so. How did you find out about that? Did Jessica tell you?"

"I think everyone knows," I offered cruelly and dishonestly. Then again, given Jessica's gigantic mouth everyone probably did know. If you make out with a slut who had a penchant for gossiping, people are going to find out.

"Shit," he mumbled, scooping his tray. "I'd better go do some damage control. See you around Bella."

I nodded and smiled to myself as he left. Like candy to a baby.

So how was I going to handle the whole Edward thing? First I had the embarrassing look at him and blush problem. And of course there was the all-consuming, pesky in love with him problem. And not to be out done, the problem that the last time I'd spoken to him he'd told me he didn't want to be friends with me after pegging me pretty damn accurately with some painful but truthful character assessments. At this point it would have just been easier to cut biology for the rest of the semester and take the fail. An 'f' on my transcripts had to be better than facing him day after day. I was a strong girl but rejection kind of grows old after a few dozen encounters.

"Hi Bella."

I lifted my head at the familiar voice. "Hi Alice. What are you doing over here? Still worried about me from Friday?" I wondered.

She smiled, brightly and genuinely. "No. I just wanted to say hi…see how you were doing…if you had a good weekend?"

"Pretty boring really," I assured her. She seemed confused by my answer. "What?"

"Oh nothing," she offered, "nothing. I'll see you later." She whirled around on her heel and headed off towards the table that she shared with her family. I watched her leave and noticed Edward staring at me again. I could feel the blush starting, the little sparkles of stinging the predisposed the flash of colour. I shot him the finger and looked down. Fuck you Edward. Fuck you and your perfectness and your friggen perfect family and my goddamn blushing instinct that I can't get a hold of. Fuck you all.

Biology was going to be like a firing squad. I may as well get it over with. I dumped my food and stalked off to class. No time like the present to get your ass riddled with bullets. I sat down and laid my head on my arms and waited to be killed.

"Hello."

His voice startled me out of my wallowing. I looked up at him and waited for the comment that would inevitably follow – my full name, some crappy comment about my life or some such fuckery. I waited and waited but he said nothing.

"Hi." It came out sounding all defeated and shit. I needed to stop wallowing and work harder not to sound so fucking desperate.

"Did you have a nice weekend?" His casual inquiry seemed really misplaced, especially given the harsh words we'd parted on.

"Does it matter?"

"In hindsight I suppose there isn't much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn't have asked if it didn't matter." Leave it to Edward to find a way to negate what I said.

"Why does it matter?" It shouldn't matter and we both knew that.

"It's polite conversation Bella. It's what friends talk about." I could hear the tiniest amount of petulance in his voice as he worked to sound casual.

"You said you didn't want to be friends," I reminded him. Remember Friday? The stab and dash - me with my secrets on display for all to see and you running away?

"Yes...well…" His voice trailed off and I waited for him to turn on me and point out it was my fault. I picked the fight and I doubted that he would let it go without pointing that out to me. "I never said that I didn't want to be friends and I'm sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear."

Rude? That's the best you can fucking do? You make me fall in love with you and then call me out and rude is the best you can do? You don't know from rude!

"You didn't hurt my feelings," I lied. "I'm a lot tougher than a few insults."

"I'm sure you are."

His voice was sincere and it made me want to slap him. Since I was pretty sure Mr. Banner wouldn't want me to start a brawl I did the next best thing and picked a fight, subtly of course. Edward hated any statement that wasn't full disclosure and I used that fact to my advantage.

"You're not fooling me Cullen."

"I'm sure I'm not, nor was I trying to." He didn't even sniff at the bone I'd dropped in his lap. His voice was as unaffected as I'd ever heard it and it irked me.

"Then why are you agreeing with everything I'm saying?" I prodded with a cold glare.

"Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?" he offered politely.

"No," I spat, "and I'm sure we don't."

"You might be surprised." He was quietly confident that he was correct, not the least bit put off by my anger.

"Like what Cullen?"

"Oh, I don't know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?"

What a strange trio of shit to put together! I looked at him in complete misunderstanding. Was this his attempt to get to know me? Or was he making some kind of veiled insult that I just didn't understand? Maybe he was taking a shot at my truck or telling me he thought I was a slob.

"You're seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends."

"I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we'll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we'd have no commonality. It's something, don't you think?" The change in his demeanour was startling compared to last week. He was patient and calm and undaunted, like he was so confident in himself that he could not be provoked.

"I don't know what." I tried to make it sound I like I thought his statement was fucking ridiculous but even I could he hear my confusion. Could he?

"Yes, but still something," he said decisively with a smile. "Do you like to dance Bella?"

"No," I blurted. "I don't dance."

"That's a pity really. It can be quite _intoxicating_ with the right partner."

I shot him a glare wondering what the fuck he was getting at. I'd already told him I didn't dance.

"I'm sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You're turning all the girl's heads."

"No more heads than you're turning Bella. You'd be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you."

"How would you know?"

"People are easy to read," he smirked and then corrected himself. "Well, most people."

"So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?" I wanted to change the subject away from me.

"Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family."

"And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?"

"No, I got it out of my system before we left."

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? And then suddenly I understood. He must have a girlfriend.

"And here I thought you'd never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?"

He smiled again, complacently. "No, she's not a model."

My face fell. I tried to hide it but I don't think I did a very good job. "A University student then because we both know you'd never date anyone in the student body here."

"No University student," he assured me.

"You're dating a high school student?" I feigned horror while I stole as much information as I could from him.

"We're not dating right now. Just dancing." The smile never left his face.

"Poor girl. She's probably got her heart set on you and you're just going to leave her in the dust."

"Quite the contrary actually. I don't think her heart is set at all."

"Then maybe she has time to get away from you."

"Maybe."

"Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning."

He laughed quietly and it made my stomach flutter and that made me exceedingly angry. The blushing was bad enough. I didn't need other parts of my body mutinying.

"I don't kiss and tell Bella." And he laughed again, harder, at some private joke that I didn't understand.

The idea of him kissing someone made me feel like shit. Just like I figured, this whole loving him crap was going to make it impossible for me to be my regular self with him and it was going to make his insensitive comments sting like a son of a bitch. I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

"A gentleman never does."

I shot him a disgusted look and turned away from him to finish the lab. I'd given him too much attention already. I was only making it harder on myself by encouraging his bullshit. I would do better tomorrow now that I knew what to expect from him.

"Did you really expect me to tell you?" he whispered pointedly.

I did my best to ignore him although I was dying to call him on it. Maybe he was embarrassed of her or she was as ugly as a horse's ass or dumb as a post?

"Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?" he wondered quietly, his tone punctuated with a hint of disgust. If he only knew what I thought he'd have never posed the question. He'd be too busy running for the hills. No, honest and I weren't friends when it came to dealing with Edward Cullen. Honest and I made a three-way with reality though. And where Edward was involved, honesty kept me firmly grounded in reality and made sure I knew that hope could never join the party.

I bolted when the bell rang. Only Edward could make the prospect of gym seem like a treat. It wasn't at treat of course, only mildly better than say having a tooth pulled but at least I had some inspiration for the pass drills. I pictured the face of Edward's perfect model girlfriend and shoved the ball at her ugly fucking mug with all my strength. And eventually I got benched for roughness because my class was full of wussies, and my outlet for my irritation was discontinued. All the gloom and misery of Edward kissing someone else descended on me again so I sat there and daydreamed every girl on the court an STD to cheer myself. I had a sick mind and I never said I didn't.

Today was my last day with Alice. I didn't know how to feel about it. On one hand it was great to have my afternoons back but I also lost my closest link to Edward. And if I was being honest which I was rather tired of being today, I liked her. Not that we were friends or anything, more that I didn't hate her. And she made me laugh. And she was pretty freaking nice to me on the shittiest day in the history of shitty days, also known as Friday. Ok fine we were friends. Goddamn it. Now I needed two people, and from the same friggen family. Was I a stupid fuck or what?

Alice was already waiting for me, looking rather impatient for my arrival.

"Where have you been?" she accused.

"Changing out of my stinky fucking gym clothes. I didn't realize we were on a strict schedule," I complained.

"So?" she wondered.

"So?" I repeated, shaking my head at her and waiting for the punch line.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Bella!" she scolded.

"Alice I don't have a friggen idea what you're getting at."

"Seriously?"

"Dead fucking seriously Alice. And I've had a crappy day. So why don't you just spit out whatever the fuck you want to ask because I'm in no fucking mood to guess?"

"I don't think I should say anything," she mumbled.

"Oh come on!" I yelled, totally fucking irritated. "You can't just say that and not tell me. Are you trying to make me lose my fucking mind?"

"It's not my secret to tell Bella," she asserted.

I really didn't give a shit who's secret it was. "Well you obviously know the secret so just spill."

"He really didn't tell you anything?" she wondered, surprised.

"Who didn't tell me anything?" I asked, but then it sank in. Edward. "No he didn't tell me anything. Come on Alice!!!" I begged.

"I can't Bella. It's not my secret."

"Yeah, not yours to tell, just yours to rub in and hold over me."

"I would never do that Bella. It's just that he has to tell you…when he's ready I guess…and I guess he's not ready."

"Not ready for what?" This was so goddamn frustrating.

"Did he give you something today?" she asked.

"No, nothing," I assured her.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"I'm sorry Bella, I can't…"

"Can't or wont?"

"Are you sure he didn't say anything? Like maybe some little comment that maybe seemed strange at the time?"

I searched my mind for some hint. Edward was constantly evasive with me, and me with him, so what could he have said today that was somehow different, not evasive but subtle or suggestive? Nothing glaringly stuck out because he'd said a lot of strange things to me, like the comment about opinions we might have in common. What had he said – driving or dancing or making a bed? He seemed so sure that we had some opinions in common too, like it was a fact or some shit. And then out of nowhere he asked me if I liked to dance, which seemed like a really fucking strange thing to ask me in hindsight. After that our conversation shifted to his girlfriend. He hadn't come right out and said she was a high school student but he sure as hell intimated it. And then he told me he didn't kiss and tell. But none of that shit applied to me. I looked up at Alice completely confused. She was looking back at me like she was willing me the secret silently.

"Your brother said all kinds of shit to me today Alice but none of it has anything to do with me, some shit about someone he was dating and bullshit about him not kissing and telling." Her eyes widened a little but she remained silent. "Something about dancing with her." Alice's eyes dropped to the table. "And some stupid crap about us having the same opinions on driving and dancing and making a bed." Alice wouldn't look at me. I had it all there in front of me but I couldn't put the pieces together. Why the fuck couldn't I put the pieces together? The only reason I could think of was that I didn't have all the pieces, and the only reason for that would have been because I wasn't paying attention. And I always paid attention… except when I was drunk, like I'd been on Friday night. I had a big block of time from that night that made no sense at all, in particular how I'd gotten home and how my truck landed up parked in front of my house.

I reached out and grabbed Alice's shoulder and shook it a bit. "Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?"

She shook her head, still not meeting my gaze.

I couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together because I was too fucking drunk to remember them. And there was only one reason Alice would know anything about that if she didn't drive me home.

"Alice," I spoke her name in a hollow whisper as an explanation for Friday night that I had not considered began to take shape. "I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?"

She nodded in agreement. I got up, a bit unsteady on my feet but forced myself to move. I had to know. I walked to the parking lot and out the doors, straight towards the Volvo. There were no words that I would believe from him, no version of the story that I would take as axiom. There was only one thing that would give me the proof I was after before I would put one iota of belief into the story. I began to feel panicked as I reached the driver's side door. I didn't trust my voice or know what to say so I held my hand out, palm up and waited. The window rolled down. My gaze stayed fixed on my palm, I couldn't look at his face. Edward's hand reached out and dropped my truck keys into my hand. My eyes widened but stayed locked on my keys as my body froze. It just wasn't possible. After what seemed like an eternity I raised my eyes to Edward's face. His smug smile was absent, as was any sign of the pompous prick that I had labelled him as for my own sanity. His expression was full of concern…for me.

"But how did you…" I couldn't choke the rest of the question out. My throat closed up and prevented any further words.

"Bella, I…" he began solemnly.

I shook my head. This could not be happening. Of all the people on Earth for me to run across drunk it had to be him?

"Please let me finish," he petitioned softly.

I put my hand up to tell him stop. I didn't want to hear his explanations. My mind flooded with all of the embarrassing and personal things I could have said to him. I turned and ran for my truck.

"Bella, wait!" I heard him yell after me. "Please!"

I slammed the door behind me and started the truck, grateful for the deafening roar of the engine that drowned out his voice. Before I could pull away he was tapping on my window. I ignored him and gunned the engine. It was better I knew nothing. The truth could only hurt me. I slammed the truck into gear and took off before he could stop me.


	14. Reminders

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

There is some overlap in this chapter because I felt it was important to show Edward's take on his discussion with Bella.

**Edward's POV**…

* * *

I fought needlessly with myself all weekend, warring over resisting checking on her and accepting that I would anyway. I wanted to know if she was okay, if she had thought about the events of Friday night. There was nothing but silence coming from the house on Saturday even though her truck was parked at the curb. On Sunday I heard her uncle speaking a lot, asking a multitude of questions which Bella ignored or stubbornly refused to answer. She made no mention of Friday night to him, not that I expected she would, but I was still disappointed. I was very impatient to see her again.

I waited in the lot on Monday morning to catch a glimpse of her. At least that's what I'd convinced myself of, that I only wanted a glimpse. I continually reminded myself that she knew nothing of my newly transformed heart and that I could not expect anything between us to have changed, but even beyond logic I hoped that it had, that somehow Friday meant as much to her as it had to me.

She seemed distracted when she pulled into the lot. I hesitated going to her, torn between my desire to see her and the need to play it cool, as she would expect. I didn't want to scare her off. I watched her as she gathered her things and headed towards the school building. Had she even seen me here or was she ignoring me?

"Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck."

Well at least I knew she'd seen me and I suppose in some small way her answer was better than her ignoring me, but it was not exactly what I'd hoped for. And she was still very angry with me. Her anger shouldn't have surprised me but it did. Was her anger due to the words we'd exchanged in class on Friday or from our forest rendezvous? Was Friday night just an inconsequential encounter to her? Keeping my hands in my pockets, I twirled the ring around my finger consolingly. I would find the right time to talk to her.

I knew better than to expect her to mention Friday to anyone. That was not Bella's way. I kept my eye on her throughout the morning and she continued to behave distractedly. She had something on her mind that was occupying her thoughts. Was it me?

I watched her with my own eyes at lunch. She didn't sit with her regular classmates, choosing to eat at a table by herself instead. I thought of approaching her but decided against it. Too public; not at all what Bella would want, although I nearly changed my mind when I saw Mike Newton approach her. He was so undeserving of her attention. Why didn't he see her clear dislike of him? It seemed so obvious to me. She sent him away by redirecting his attention to his extracurricular activities with Jessica Stanley. He clearly hadn't intended for Jessica to gossip about it. She had told every person she'd spoken to today. He would have a lot of damage control to do, as he put it. Bella looked happy when he left and that cheered me.

'Before you yell at me I'm just going to see how she's doing," Alice informed me from across the cafeteria. I watched and listened, anxious for the same information. Their exchange offered me little to work with. Bella made no mention of Friday night to Alice and then caught me staring at her again. Yes, definitely still angry with me, or so her finger told me.

I watched her dump her uneaten food and leave the cafeteria. I had hoped that Friday night had softened her but I remained determined to keep working at getting past her protective walls and at the real Bella Swan. I wanted her to feel the level of comfort with me that she felt with Charlie. I wanted at least that much. I wanted her to trust me and I knew that would not come easily.

I waited a few moments before following Bella to class so as to not appear too anxious, leaving my family with the flimsy excuse of catching up on a lab. Alice shot me a half smirk, which I ignored. I realized as I walked that I was still fighting for control of Bella, just in a different way than I was before. I would have to be persistent and patient with her before she would come around, and even then it might not be enough. I could not force her to open up to me no more than I could force her to like me. I could only keep trying, and be tenacious. I laughed at myself when I realized that even after everything I was still hoping that finding a way to get Bella to like me would be easy. Nothing between Bella and I ever was. Why should I expect this to be any different?

Bella was already at our table, her head laid on her arms, her expression forlorn. I could not help but feel I was causing her upset and it saddened me. I selfishly wanted to be happy but her happiness was much more important to me. It was such a fine line to walk, to be resolute and patient, to press hard enough to get her to come around and not so hard that she'd pull away from me. I greeted her softly.

"Hello."

She looked up at me as if she was waiting for something but for what I did not know. I reminded myself to be patient.

"Hi." Yes, she definitely sounded sad.

"Did you have a nice weekend?" I inquired, forcing my smile to remain casual and slightly detached.

"Does it matter?" she grumbled rhetorically.

"In hindsight I suppose there isn't much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn't have asked if it didn't matter." It mattered so much more to me than she could know.

"Why does it matter?"

I knew that it shouldn't if I were the same man that I was last week, but I wasn't. Not that she knew of the change…or that I could mention it. I tried to make it sound like I was just making conversation.

"It's polite conversation Bella. It's what friends talk about."

"You said you didn't want to be friends," she reminded me.

She was right to call me on that. I had spoken out of anger on Friday, and although her words were not exactly what'd I said, I could see why I'd left her with that impression. I could not allow her to think that anymore.

"Yes...well…I never said that I didn't want to be friends and I'm sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear."

She seemed put off by my apology – the opposite of what I would have expected and so Bella. Her chin jutted out proudly and she glared at me coldly.

"You didn't hurt my feelings. I'm a lot tougher than a few insults."

"I'm sure you are." I was very sure of it. Bella was definitely tough.

"You're not fooling me Cullen."

Fooling her about what? Why would she think I was trying to fool her? I was doing no such thing. I was simply agreeing completely with her statement. How odd! Again I tried to assure her with my words.

"I'm sure I'm not, nor was I trying to."

"Then why are you agreeing with everything I'm saying?" she demanded.

I had unintentionally offended her somehow. Perhaps she felt I was placating her? Did she not hear the sincerity in my voice or the assuredness of my tone? Was I that repulsive to her?

"Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?"

"No, and I'm sure we don't," she stated tersely.

Her voice was as cold as ice and I again reminded myself of the need for patience and persistence. Her memory loss was either inconvenient or false. I needed to determine which.

"You might be surprised," I mused.

"Like what Cullen?"

Her defensiveness pleased me. At least I had predicted her reaction correctly. Now to very subtly remind her of some of Friday night's events…

"Oh, I don't know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?"

She glared at me with a confused expression. There was none of the recognition I had hoped for. My heart fell. She was too drunk to remember what happened. Where did that leave me?

"You're seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends."

I backpedalled a little, trying to redirect the conversation and show her that the two of us having something in common wasn't that big a stretch.

"I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we'll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we'd have no commonality. It's something, don't you think?"

"I don't know what." She tried to sound spurned by the idea but her eyes gave away her belief in the cogency of my argument.

"Yes, but still something." I smiled, pleased she agreed with me at least in thought even if she wouldn't admit it out loud. I wanted to give her another gentle reminder. "Do you like to dance Bella?"

"No, I don't dance."

But I knew otherwise. Did she really not remember? I could still remember the way her fragile warmth felt in my hands, the joy in being so close to her, the excitement of our connection. I couldn't help but tease her with a very apropos choice of words.

"That's a pity really. It can be quite _intoxicating_ with the right partner."

She glared at me angrily. No, she really did not remember.

"I'm sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You're turning all the girl's heads," she spat venomously. Her attempt to change the subject would be unsuccessful.

"No more heads than you're turning Bella. You'd be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you." Me for instance.

"How would you know?" Because I can read minds.

"People are easy to read, well, most people." You as always Bella are the exception to the rule.

"So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?" I allowed the subject change to see which direction her thoughts were leading her.

"Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family." Another small lie but better than admitting that I had spied on her most of the weekend.

"And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?"

I suppose she thought she was being funny, but I knew just what to say to keep her talking.

"No, I got it out of my system before we left."

Her face abruptly twisted into what appeared to be pain and I was uneasy. What was she thinking?

"And here I thought you'd never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?"

By my own assessment Bella hid behind her sarcasm and this statement was positively overflowing with it, but what was she hiding from? Could she really be interested in how I spent my time?

"No, she's not a model."

My comment visibly upset her. Why? It was cruel of me to allow her to be upset for my own advantage and yet what other choice did I have? She seemed unable to recall Friday night on her own and I could see no other way to help her remember.

"A University student then because we both know you'd never date anyone in the student body here." Even though her tone was seeping with disdain and sarcasm, she seemed sure of her statement.

"No University student," I informed her, smirking.

"You're dating a high school student?" She was working very hard to determine who this mystery person was, pretending to be outraged to hide her interest in my dating life. I was thrilled.

"We're not dating right now. Just dancing." I amended the thought in my head because it wasn't just dancing for me.

"Poor girl. She's probably got her heart set on you and you're just going to leave her in the dust."

Her poor opinion of me was evident. Or was she still hiding from something? I gave her the most honest answer I could think of…it was almost painfully honest.

"Quite the contrary actually. I don't think her heart is set at all," I informed her, my tone much too intense. Did she notice?

I could see her mind working, considering my words and how to reply to them. Would her answer change if she knew she was the girl we were discussing?

"Then maybe she has time to get away from you."

"Maybe," I agreed softly.

"Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning."

I laughed out loud at her reply. There was no other way to rebuff her offer. My laughing seemed to make her angry. Anger was the only emotion I could evoke in her on a continual basis. It was almost too easy for me. I collected myself, desperate to keep her talking.

"I don't kiss and tell Bella," I laughed, speaking the words before their true meaning bled into my consciousness, a subtle reminder I hadn't intended on making.

Again my words seemed to upset her. Would she really want to know whom I was kissing? She never struck me as the gossiping type. So why? I cut off my own thoughts. It was too much to hope for.

"A gentleman never does," I informed her. I didn't want her to think I was the sort of man to speak of such personal things. I began to wonder what she must think of me, how poor an opinion of me she must have. The disgusted glare on her face only made me worry further.

"Did you really expect me to tell you?" I asked softly, knowing she must have expected just that. She didn't acknowledge my comment and my mind fragmented into a hundred different directions considering valid reasons she could have to hate me. And suddenly everything that I wanted had dissolved and I was left with one real truth. I was a monster. I had not only earned but deserved the poor opinion she had of me.

"Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?" I murmured, unable to keep my self-hatred from seeping into my tone.

Spanish was a blur even with all of Emmett's internal dialogue. He was wondering what had me so preoccupied. Several times I almost asked him his opinion of Bella's behaviour but Emmett's mind was too black and white to help me. He would never understand my obsession with a human let alone the fact that I'd fallen in love with one. He had the highest maintenance mate in history but his success with her had more to do with his own carefree, laid back attitude than in any practical way of dealing with Rosalie's twisted mind. No, I was on my own with this one, save for Alice. And I couldn't get to Alice at this point. I decided to drive the others home and come straight back to school. I told myself it was to get to Alice as soon as possible but that was only part of it. I wanted to be close to Bella. And I wanted to hear Alice's mind while they spoke. It was selfish of me, but I was more confused than ever. I hadn't expected Bella to remember none of Friday night. Given her disgust for me, at this point I wasn't even sure I wanted her to remember.

As soon as I pulled into the lot I could hear Alice. Her mental tone was eager and anxious. She was practically yelling at Bella, and the message repeated endlessly. 'He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella.' Her words didn't match her thoughts. She was trying to get Bella to remember Friday, telling Bella it wasn't her secret to tell. Bella looked so frustrated. What I wouldn't have given in that moment to hear Bella's inner monologue.

I listened as Alice asked Bella if I'd given her anything today or said something subtle that would jog her memory. I'd given her plenty; she just had to put it all together and I waited for her to assemble the clues. Bella said a few more things to Alice and then I heard the words that told me she'd figured it out.

"Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?" No Bella, she didn't.

Silence.

I waited anxiously for Bella's next words.

"Alice, I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?"

I knew what she was coming for instinctively. I pulled the ring from my pocket and watched as she came through the doors and into the parking lot, directly towards my car. I couldn't read the expression on her face. When she was close enough to the car she raised her hand and held it out to me. I rolled the window down wordlessly and lightly placed the keys into her open palm. She stared at them for a long moment, frozen. I didn't dare shatter her resolve by speaking. I wanted to let the pieces of our encounter on Friday fall into place at her leisure. The only thing that mattered in that moment was Bella. Finally she looked into my eyes.

"But how did you…" Her expression was one of disbelief. I wanted to reach out for her, worried she might faint again, but I held myself back. She looked so pale and shocked.

"Bella, I…" I started to speak but she was already shaking her head. I knew she wouldn't listen to me. Just as I had feared she didn't want my explanations.

"Please let me finish," I begged, my tone far more urgent than would have made sense to her. I knew how her mind would assimilate this. She would see the worst in everything. She cut me off with a wave of her hand. She ran for her truck or from me, I wasn't sure which.

"Bella, wait, please!" I called after her. She just started her truck and the thunderous engine made it impossible for her to hear me. I threw open my door and went after her. I didn't even bother to try to keep a human pace. She was my only worry.

I tapped on her window and she flinched but did not look at me. "Bella please just stay and talk to me," I urged but she didn't reply. She just drove away.

I flew back to my car to follow her. I couldn't let her go this upset and without explanation. I had to know what she was thinking. My instincts told me she would not like me following her but as usual what she thought was best and what I thought was best were two different things.

She headed toward the ocean, towards the forest where we were together on Friday night. I wondered if this was a place that she often went to for refuge or was it significant only because of the circumstances? I would know soon enough.

She parked her truck in the same spot as Friday and started on foot into the forest. I could have easily caught up to her but I allowed her the time to her own thoughts. She would stop when she was ready for me to catch up. And when she finally stopped it was exactly where I had anticipated, the clearing in the forest where we'd been on Friday night. She stood in the center of the opening, her back to me, her shoulders slightly hunched. She was not the carefree spirit that stood here with me three days earlier. She was a darker, tormented version of that girl. I loved her all the same.

I waited for her to speak, sensing her apprehension, her need to assemble the words in a certain way so that she could express herself clearly. I braced myself for anger but was surprised by a different emotion.

"Why you?" she whispered regretfully. I was unsure if I was supposed to be able to hear her, if she was truly speaking to me or just lamenting. "Of all people, why you?"

I wanted to tell her it was my doing, that I had come looking for her but it would not have given her comfort. It would only make things worse to admit that.

"You passed out," I told her. "And I didn't think it was fair to leave you alone in the forest like that. You would have been cold and left to the elements. It gets very inclement at night."

"Why not just leave me in my truck then. Why take me home?"

In my panic I wanted to go to her and turn her around so I could look into her eyes, the only path into her thoughts, but I resisted, trying to respect her space. Instead I started to walk the perimeter of the opening so that I could move to stand in front of her.

"That's not how I was raised." It sounded like an apology but I didn't intend it to be one. "Your uncle would have been worried…and you still would have been cold. I didn't think it would upset you, although I would have done it even if I had known."

"Of course you would have," she mumbled angrily. "You always do whatever the fuck you want, don't you?"

"I try to do what I think is best." And when it came to Bella it was especially true, but I amended my thought to give her as much truth as I could. "I'm not always right."

"You're never right."

"When it comes to you, it's true, I'm rarely right." She was surprised by my honesty. I could see it on her face now that I'd finally gotten around to where I could see her expression. "But that doesn't mean that I'm _trying_ to do the wrong thing Bella."

"So have at me. Tell me all the horribly embarrassing things I told you on Friday, all the things I did that you've been laughing your ass off about for days now." Her tone was reserved and angry but her body language showed the shame she was feeling.

"There was nothing Bella, nothing embarrassing in the words you spoke or in your actions," I said reassuringly.

"Liar," she accused, rolling her eyes at me. "I know what I'm like when I'm drunk so don't you even try to fucking tell me there was nothing. Just spill it. I'm sure you've been dying to rub it in my goddamn face. Or am I wrecking your plans? Were you waiting for a bigger audience for maximum embarrassment?"

Her anger was on full display; she was using it as a defence to hide her vulnerability. That's what this entire display was about. She didn't like feeling vulnerable. I could understand that. I sat down on the ground, hoping she'd relax, hoping that she could see that I wasn't here to tease or punish her in any way. She eyed me sceptically so I just started talking.

"How much do you remember?" I asked honestly.

"Oh fuck you Cullen. I'm not playing your game."

"I'm not playing a game Bella. I just want to know where to start my explanation." She was about to complain again but I held up my hand to petition her silence. "Let me finish please. I'll start at the beginning and I promise you I won't leave any of it out."

"Yeah right," she grumbled.

"I found you here, right here." I raised my arms and swept them open to show her that I meant the forest opening. "But I'm assuming you knew that or you wouldn't have come here. And you were already drunk when I got here. You were dancing. The music from the party nearby was loud, easily heard from here and you were relaxed and drinking and dancing to it."

"Greeeeattt." She blushed and looked down.

"You looked beautiful," I added softly. "It was nice to see you so carefree, and that's why I thought it would be okay if I spoke to you. I didn't like that you were out here alone and not fully cognizant. Anything could have happened." A half-truth. I didn't like her out here alone but it had little to do with why I approached her.

"That's really none of your fucking business Cullen."

"Agreed." I nodded my head at her. "But that's how I felt nevertheless. So I said hello. You were surprised to see me. You told me you were having a party to forget your bad day." I wasn't sure how to phrase what happened next. I was suddenly anxious about telling the truth. "And then you asked me to dance."

"I what?" she screamed at me. I assumed it was rhetorical so I didn't repeat the words. She dropped to the ground clumsily, almost as if her knees gave out on her, and I was worried that she'd hurt herself. She would not look at me.

"And so we danced for a short while and whilst dancing you told me you weren't much of a dancer but you did fine. And you seemed to like to spin. You pulled away from our dance after a couple of minutes and started spinning. You were a little hyper."

She covered her face with her hands although I could see through her fingers that her cheeks were very red.

"I warned you to be careful because you'd had so much to drink but you assured me you knew what you were doing. So I just watched you for a while."

"You fucking watched me?" she asked, irritated, peering up at me through her fingers.

"And then you asked me what I was doing there so I explained that I had been out running because that's what I do when I need to think. You told me you were running too."

"What?" she asked me disbelievingly. Her hands fell from her puckered face. "I don't run Edward."

"I know. You explained that to me when I asked."

"Huh?" She got back on her feet and began to walk away from me and I felt abruptly trepidatious, like she was pulling away or didn't believe me or was going to tell me she didn't want to hear my version of the night.

"You told me you think too much and that you run when you want to get away from something."

"Did I tell you what I was trying to get away form?" she groaned, turning around to face me, leaning her body against a tree.

"Yes…me," I admitted, rushing to finish my explanation. "And I can understand why. I was very rude to you on Friday. I would have been trying to get away from the memory too."

I paused a moment hoping she'd speak but she just recovered her face with her hands. I took a few steps toward her.

"When I asked you why you were running from me you told me that I was cute but too good for you. I told you that you were very wrong, and that you were giving me way too much credit." She looked up at me incredulously and my breath hitched when I saw her eyes, so full of shame. My instinct to soothe away her pain flooded me again as it had that night. I closed the remaining distance between us in several long strides unable to resist her pull.

"You told me that you were broken," I whispered. She looked up at me with horror in her eyes.

"I said that there was a part in all of us that was broken and that it didn't define who you were."

"That doesn't sound like something you'd say," she noted quietly, her eyes full of questions.

"When you and I talk, we tend to bring out the worst in each other, and one of us lands up shutting the other one out. Friday night you didn't shut me out and we seemed to get past the normal hang ups," I explained.

"So what happened after that?" she inquired hesitantly.

"I told you that you weren't alone…" My voice was little more than a whisper. "And then I kissed you."

I didn't tell her she asked me to. It didn't matter. I had wanted to kiss her in the same moment. She was just braver for asking. Besides, she would only be embarrassed by it or try to deny it and I would end up looking like I forced her into it. I didn't want her to think that, so I took responsibility for it.

Her hand came to her mouth and she covered it lightly with her fingers, surprised. "I thought I dreamed that," she murmured.

I stopped breathing at her admission. Did that mean she didn't regret it?

"And you know the rest. You passed out and I carried you back to your truck, drove you home and put you to bed. You woke up once when I buckled you into the truck and I told you…"

She interrupted me, smiling. "You told me you'd get me home safely."

"Exactly," I agreed, elated and relieved that there was some memory of our night together, and that the memory did not seem disagreeable to her. It almost seemed like a good thing, or I was reading too much into it. "And now you know everything." Well not everything, not the shift in my world or the love that I felt for her but everything that we said and did that night.

"You know it was all because I was fucking drunk right? You know that I would not have said or done those things sober?" she demanded, serious, all lightness vanished.

I nodded and tried to hide my feelings as my hope shattered into pieces. "You weren't yourself, well not the self you put forward at school every day. I could see that."

"Damn straight."

"You seemed happy Bella." I wanted her to know that it was ok, that she didn't need to be embarrassed or shut me out.

"I was happy. I mean of course I was happy Cullen. I was drunk. What were you expecting?"

"It was nice to see you happy…to see…to see the walls down," I added quietly.

"Fuck you Edward. You think you know me so well. You don't know shit. You're so fucking full of yourself. You just can't stand it that someone doesn't like you. I bet you've never had a woman tell you that before."

She was pulling away from me, retreating into her comfort zone of anger and sarcasm. I wanted to deny her words but stopped myself. It would only infuriate her. I refocused my thoughts.

"Whatever the reason, whether it was the alcohol or freedom or whatever, it was wonderful to see you happy. And I was glad that I was there with you to witness it."

"It's too bad you didn't have the forethought to bring a video camera. You could have filmed it and used it as blackmail, put it up on YouTube or something. No one will believe you without proof."

She was so defensive. I was losing my grip on my control, crashing into the emotions I was feeling and the lies she was telling.

"I would never do that to you, or anyone for that matter. I know we sort of got off on the wrong foot Bella. I think we just need a fresh start."

"Thanks but no thanks Edward." She laughed blackly at some private joke. "We don't need a fucking fresh start. We need Armageddon. You and I will never…never mean… anything to one another," she sputtered emotionally.

"So I don't mean anything to you?" I charged without thinking. I wanted to hear her deny it so I could read her eyes when she did. They would hold the real truth.

"Why would you mean something to me?" she questioned, offended, but it was not a denial.

"The same reason you might mean something to me." My reply was more evasive than I had intended. I just wanted the truth from her.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" She shot me an angry glare. She did not appreciate my implied truth.

"Why does anyone mean anything to anyone?" I asked, frustrated. Attraction was not as black and white as she wanted it to be. Love and desire didn't always equate to sense or reason and she was a perfect example, that I would love her, a woman whose blood I desired so intensely, had to be fate's cruellest joke.

"You're not fucking answering my question," she growled, leaning towards me angrily.

"And you're not answering mine," I repeated, barely able to contain my anger as I lashed out at her lies with my words and her pull brought me another step closer to her.

"You don't fucking get it do you? I don't want this." She laughed harshly. The warmness in her brown eyes was gone. They were cold, icy, frozen and black.

"Don't want what?" I needed to hear her say it, either way. My eyes held hers.

"You…you and me. I don't want it."

I leaned into her body, one arm over her shoulder, balancing myself against the tree behind her. "I never offered myself to you." We traded lies. I saw my own eyes reflected back at me, fiery and molten. Could she see the passion burning there?

"Then what the fuck did you mean by 'the same reason you might mean something to me?'" She stared up at me with a look that clearly said back off but I ignored it. If she did not care then why did it matter what my words meant? Her eyes were melting under my gaze.

"What did you want me to mean?" I pushed, being purposely condescending. I didn't want to back down. I knew she wasn't telling the truth.

"Shut the fuck up Edward," she warned. Her eyes were completely liquid now.

I leaned into her, my face only inches away from hers, for one final dare. "Make me Bella." And just like Friday she didn't pull away from me. I could feel her warm breath on my face and was already imagining how she would feel against me.

"Asshole," she breathed, closing her eyes.

I released the last bit of hold I had on my control. Her pull was too strong. My lips covered hers and she moaned against my mouth, fisting my shirt and pulling me closer. It was like a summoning of some primal instinct that had been deeply buried in me. I pressed my body against hers, pressing her into the tree, feeling every bit of her anger and affection, her softness caressing every curve of my body. I reached out for her with my free arm, snaking it around her waist and drawing her to me while her tongue traced my bottom lip. My knees went weak.

Even the physical connection to her was not enough to quell the pull she caused in me. I wanted more, needed more. I dropped my hand from the tree and shifted my weight away from her, allowing my now free hand to tangle into her silky hair, pulling her face closer to mine and pushing my tongue between her lips. She willingly parted them and let me in, pressing against my tongue with her own. I tightened my hold on her waist, too close was not possible, and we fought for domination. She was everywhere, under my fingertips and pressed against me, filling my hands and my lips and my every sense and still I wanted more. I'd never felt such strong desire in my life.

She pulled back from me panting, eyes still closed and her hands released my shirt, resting lightly on my chest. I slid my hand from around her waist and covered her hand lightly with it. She looked up at me for a moment as if she were about to say something but then the words vanished. Her liquid eyes froze and she pushed back from me. And in that instant I knew I'd lost her, walls back up, retreating.

And she was gone, running back to her truck and away from me. I didn't chase her. I was thrilled that I'd gotten through if only for a moment, if only through a kiss and not with words. But she was still resisting, unable to admit to herself that she felt something for me other than hatred, still pushing me out with her defensive walls. I'd made it clear that I had feelings for her, maybe not the depth of the feelings but certainly the existence of them. There was nowhere for me to go without forcing myself on her. I could only remain persistent. The change had to come from her. It was up to her now.

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**A/N:** Thank you to everyone who's been reading and reviewing. I love reading your comments.


	15. Rubicon

**Ru·bi·con** (rōō'bĭ-kŏn') n. A limit that when passed or exceeded permits no return and typically results in irrevocable commitment. (The chapter title says exactly where this story is headed.)

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

Thank you to all of the readers and reviewers. You guys are awesome and I want you to feel appreciated because you make me smile.

You're going to read a bit of my nerdom in this chapter. I couldn't help myself. I've always been fascinated by Stephenie Meyer's choice to put Bella and Edward into a biology class together. My degree is in biology. I used to TA genetics. Geek they name is Sher. I didn't set out to write it into the chapter but when the idea came I ran with it, so please excuse my nerditude and appreciate the usefulness of poor Mike's question. **snorts**

**Bella's POV**…

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I ran from him. I ran as fast as my feet would fucking take me, and then drove as fast as my truck could handle. Apparently I was going to prove that I was a stupid motherfucker on a daily basis now. I didn't want to see the look of vainglorious triumph on his face from winning the game. I didn't want him to look in my eyes and see that he'd broken me. It was enough that I knew.

I knew he was following me when I left the school parking lot. I should have used my head and gone home and I could have slammed the door in his friggen face and hidden in a place he couldn't get to me. It seemed like such an obvious idea in hindsight but at the point when he dropped my keys into my hand and proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the one who drove me home on Friday all I could think of was retracing my steps and finding a way to make everything untrue.

I wasn't thinking when I headed back to the ocean and into the forest clearing. I was acting on instinct, and I was beginning to think that my instincts were totally fucked up. When I should run away, I ran to, and when I should ignore, I showered with attention, and when I should kick him in the balls and push him off me, I plunged my tongue into his mouth and pressed myself into his body. Yes, my instincts were definitely fucking backwards.

Falling in love with him was bad enough. Knowing that I may very well have admitted it to him while I was drunk was so much worse. It made me the queen of dumbasses. I was appropriately mortified. I had no friggen clue if I could trust that he had told me the whole truth. He could have just as easily been holding something back to use at a later date. That would be just like the prick with his fucking button pushing, to let me think I was in the clear and then catch me off guard and smack me in the back of the fucking head when I was least expecting it. I was doomed.

And like the dipshit I am I let him kiss me…again. And even worse, I enjoyed it. I kept wondering when my stupidity would end but apparently it was bottomless. Edward was a fantastic kisser. I hated that I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. It was such a ginormous waste of talent to ignore, the firmness of his lips when they came down on mine, the coolness of his tongue against my tongue, the way he fucking owned me with those huge hands of his. And his taste…he tasted glorious, sweet and refreshing, like no other thing that had ever crossed my taste buds, impossible to describe in words and do justice to it. And I couldn't enjoy any of it, not one bit, not if I wanted to retain my sanity.

And every time his lips were on mine, and his hands held me, I questioned my need for sanity. It would have been the easiest thing to throw caution to the wind and just let him take me under. Fuck, it's exactly what I wanted. It would have been like falling, completely effortless and it would provide me with the greatest fucking high I'd ever known. And I would be able to let him kiss me like that and hold me with those fucking fantastic hands any time he wanted. And it would be like heaven…until it all ended. Then I'd be back in a world composed of a single entity, pain. I couldn't go back to that world because I wouldn't survive it, not again. It would be the death of me. If I was stupid enough to give my heart away to Edward then when he handed it back to me ripped into shreds I may as well have him kill me. I'd be close enough to dead anyway that he should just finish me off. So while retention of my sanity seemed like a stupidass idea and I wasn't so stupid that I didn't realize that I'd be giving up a world of inexplicable pleasure from possibly the most skilled sexy motherfucker on the planet, I couldn't ignore what the end would bring as well.

I just couldn't risk it.

If I thought for a moment that he meant what he said…but I knew that he didn't. It was impossible. And truthfully he didn't really say anything about how he felt specifically. He just hinted at it in riddles, which quite honestly was really fucking irritating. I mean he might have been hinting that he cared, or I was simply hearing what I wanted to hear because I was dumb like that, not in general, only when it came to Edward Cullen. One could argue that he acted like he cared by making sure I got home safely after Friday's drunken dance'n'kiss exposition, except that he admitted that's how he was raised. As much as I wanted to play stupid, that meant his behaviour was more of a reflection of a good upbringing than anything to do with me in particular. Sometimes having a brain was high on the scale of suckage.

I don't know why he agreed to dance with me. I wish I could remember more than the little flashes of memories that I was able to recall. I remember he spun me…and I remember that I tripped when I was coming back to him and smacked into his chest and he caught me - all perfectly acceptable things to do if he cared, and all things that could easily fall under the category of gentlemanly behaviour from a boy who was raised properly. He certainly seemed to be that.

The kiss? I had no explanation for it. All I had was an overwhelming feeling of falseness. I mean he was Edward freaking Cullen. He could kiss any girl he wanted, and probably had. There were no rose-coloured glasses here. I was nobody, a plain Jane, and certainly not capable of standing next to him and shining or standing out. Him caring about me didn't make any fucking sense and I couldn't ignore that little voice inside me that said it wasn't real. Ok, I could, but I was just setting myself up for heartache. Maybe he was just curious what it would be like to kiss a freak like me, although curiosity only explained one kiss, not two. Maybe he was just trying to manipulate me? Maybe he was trying to get me to fall in love with me just to prove that he could? Mission accomplished Prickward! There were a hundred 'maybe' scenarios that I could cook up but only one thing I knew for sure. He didn't feel anything for me, and even if by some impossible twist of fate he did, it wouldn't come close to what I felt for him, because Edward was smarter than me. He knew when to run for the hills. He stayed away from crazy the way a sane person should. It was stupid of me to delude myself in any way about this guy and get myself caught up in him further. I had to accept it.

I dreamed of him that night. He stood across the parking lot from me at school in the pouring rain. I called his name and he just laughed at me, again and again. I could still hear him laughing after I woke up from it. It was my subconscious fucking with me, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch. I longed for my old friend numbness. Life was so much easier when it was my constant companion. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep after that.

I dragged my tired cranky ass to school the next morning unenthusiastically. I half considered faking an illness to get Charlie to let me stay home but I knew I'd just lie around all day and mope about Edward. We've covered the fact I'm a stupid motherfucker right? I'd be no less miserable at home. I'd be no less reluctant to see him tomorrow. In avoiding him I'd just be proving how entirely obsessed and weak I was because I couldn't deal with my feelings for him. And that's really fucking weak. Nope, I had made my bed so now I had to lie in it, as shitty as it was. I tried to convince myself that ignoring him and how he made me feel would get easier and I was doing a pretty fucking good job of it until I saw his stupid shiny Volvo in the parking lot. Out of mind was a whole lot simpler when he was out of sight. I didn't even try to walk by his car today. I took the long way around the far end of the school just to avoid him. It was just easier than facing him in my current state of pathetic loserdom.

My day was starting to become rather repetitive. Period one – consumed by thoughts of Edward and what a loser I was. Period two – thought only of Edward and felt like a loser. Period three – got called on by the teacher and had no answer because I was daydreaming of Edward instead of paying attention and proved to the entire class as well as myself that I was acting like a loser. Period four – redeemed myself by answering a question correctly but only because it was English and we were studying Jane Eyre and the answer to the question of whom Jane fell in love with was Edward. And yes, I still felt like a loser.

At least lunch was different. I ran into Alice in the lunch line, well, she ran into me.

"Bella?" she called in her high singsong voice.

I smiled at her, probably my first real smile of the day, relieved to see her. "Hi Alice."

"Did you want to sit together for lunch?" she offered.

"I'd love to…but I don't want to get in the way of Jasper?" And then I started to wonder if she meant at her family's table and that I could not do.

"No, he's finishing an assignment. I thought just me and you, if you're ok with that?"

"Sounds perfect." And it did. I paid for my food and followed her to a table, plopping down rather heavily on to the bench with a thud.

"Are you ok Hun?" she wondered.

"I'm kind of obvious, aren't I?" I agreed feeling humiliated. As much as I wanted to tell her what was going on in my fucked up head I couldn't say a word. It would be too weird. "I'm okay Alice, just cranky."

"Are you sure? I'd love to help if I can."

"No, I'm fine," I assured her as convincingly as I was able.

"You do realize you suck at lying right?" she smiled.

"Yep," I agreed with a laugh.

"So if you aren't a good liar by your own admission and we both know you're upset about something why don't you just tell me what it is?"

"Nah, I've got it under control. I know what I have to do. I just have to get better at doing it." Practise makes perfect right? I just had to control my reaction to Edward and learn to ignore him. It was the only way.

"You can trust me, you know?" she offered.

I nodded. "I know I can Alice."

"He doesn't like that we're friends," she announced, like it was written all over my face that I was thinking of her brother. How did she do that?

"Who doesn't?" I wondered. Wanting very badly not to appear obsessed, I played stupid and looked over my shoulder to see who she was looking at. Edward was staring at me again, or staring at Alice perhaps. He looked angry. I turned back to Alice and she was sticking her tongue out at him, some sort of brother-sister pissing match.

"He thinks I'll poison you against him or something." She rolled her eyes and giggled.

"Why would he think that?" If only I could be so lucky.

"Edward skipped kindergarten the day they taught sharing."

I laughed out loud. The boy probably never had to share a thing in his life. He had enough money to buy ten of everything and anything he couldn't buy he probably just charmed his way into possessing it.

"I'm fairly sure that Edward doesn't care if he has to share me Alice," I laughed, working harder than I should have had to in order to sound like I didn't care while hiding that I did.

Alice raised an eyebrow at me. "Either way, he has to share. It's not up to him. I mean, we are friends, right? You weren't just hanging out with me because you had to?"

It was the first glimpse of uncertainty I'd ever seen from Alice and it seemed so odd coming from her. She never seemed the type to need validation. "Well honestly, I was just hanging out with you because I had to, at least until yesterday, because my uncle would have grounded my ass if I didn't do the time for my crime. But today, today is all about you and me." I winked and smiled and tried to suppress my giggle.

She smirked at me conspiratorially. "You're lucky you said that Swan," she teased. "Or I was going to have to find a way to get you in trouble again and back into the mentor program," she laughed.

"Can I ask you something Alice?" I wondered.

"Sure," she agreed.

"Why does your brother always seem like he's staring at me? I mean every time I turn around he seems to be there, and most of the time he's watching me. It's kind of creepy." I hoped that I had disguised my interest in the subject matter well enough by putting the blame on Edward.

"He's got a problem Bella," she warned me. "He's a bit of an ass sometimes." We laughed together.

"No argument here," I agreed, still laughing.

"The thing is though Bella, if you see him every time you turn around, and catch him watching you, you know what that means right?"

I didn't follow her logic. "No, what?"

"It means you're watching him too."

I rolled my eyes and blushed. "Way to take my side there, Alice," I chided. She was right though, and we both knew it.

"Hey, I call them like I see them," she proclaimed.

I wondered how much she knew. Did she know what happened on Friday with the dancing and the kiss? Did she know he kissed me yesterday or that I let him? Did she know how badly we seemed to clash on an almost daily basis? And if she knew all of these things, what did she think about them? Edward was her brother and they seemed close. I could never put her in a position to betray him but it didn't stop me from wondering. It was very possible she knew more about the whole fucked up situation than I did and the entire idea made me feel weird. I pushed the feelings aside. We made plans to do something on the weekend, a movie or maybe pizza or something. It gave me something to look forward to and it gave me something to think about besides Edward and I sorely needed that.

She wished me fun in biology and flitted off to class.

Fun in biology? That was a new concept.

He greeted me coolly from his seat when I got to class.

"Bella," he said with a casual nod in my direction.

Reminding myself not to let him get to me I nodded a hello back and took my seat. Mr Banner started his lecture on genetic disorders a moment later. I flipped open my notebook and started taking notes. At least the lecture would provide me some distraction with a topic that interested me.

Edward was doing a really good fucking job of ignoring me and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I didn't like it. I knew it was in my best interest but I didn't like how it made me feel.

"Mr. Banner," Mike called out, raising his hand.

"Yes Mike?"

"I don't get what you mean about autosomal. Are they dominant or recessive?"

"They can carry both dominant and recessive mutations Mike. An autosome is any chromosome that isn't a sex chromosome."

The room filled with snickers. Yes, in a room full of seventeen year olds our teacher couldn't say the word sex without snickering. We were such a mature bunch. I rolled my eyes.

Edward inclined his head toward me and whispered, "sex chromosomes, your favourite." His breath hit my skin made me shiver and my shiver made him smile. Bastard!

"Yeah but don't all cells have sex chromosomes?" Mike asked, confused.

"Yes, but remember the human karyotype - each cell has twenty-three pairs of chromosomes, one pair of sex chromosomes and twenty-two pairs of regular or autosomal chromosomes," Mr Banner explained.

Edward leaned over again. I was too big an idiot to think to lean away. "He said sex again," he whispered pointedly, "I guess it's your lucky day." I swear he held on to the word sex just a touch too long to emphasize it. I shot him an angry glare and tried not to notice the way his whisper made my stomach twist in that all too familiar way. He shot me his crooked grin and that made the stomach twisting so much worse.

"Maybe I just don't get the dominant and recessive thing. Could you go over it again Sir?" Mike asked.

"Is anyone else having the same problem?" Mr Banner wondered. There were several groans from the crowd. I dropped my pencil and closed my notebook. We'd gone over this shit three times and I grasped it after the first. No need to retake notes I'd already taken.

Edward chuckled at me and whispered, "and here I thought we were going to get to talk about sex. How disappointing." He feigned a pout for my benefit. I'm pretty sure he didn't intend for me to find his pout sexy…but not entirely positive.

"Bella, why don't you and Edward come up here and help me demonstrate." Great. Really fucking great. I prayed my blushing instinct would stay put and made my way up to the front. Edward followed behind me.

"Ok people, pay attention here. This is the last time I'm going to devote any time to this in class. Recessive versus dominant. Edward is dominant. Bella is recessive." He guided me to his right side while the class laughed and Edward openly gloated over his dominant label. Even Mr. Banner wasn't going to cut me a fucking break today.

"In every cell you have an Edward and a Bella, and twenty-one other pairs of chromosomes." Mr Banner grabbed us both by the elbows and shoved us together while taking a step back. I lost my balance as he pulled on me and collided into Edward's side awkwardly. The class laughed again. I wished for the floor to open up and swallow me whole, but at least I didn't blush.

"Because Edward is dominant, whatever disease he carries will be expressed in the cell. He doesn't need any help from any other chromosomes to spread his disease." A chuckle escaped from my lips against my permission and Edward shot me a glare. I couldn't help it if Mr. Banner knew the score.

"Bella is recessive. By herself, she has no effect on the cell. She's innocuous. We have to go back to our old friend meiosis to see how Bella becomes effective." Edward glanced down at me smugly, mouthing the word 'innocuous' and winking at me. I mouthed the words 'fuck you' and went back to listening to Mr. Banner before Edward could figure out how much I liked the wink.

"In meiosis, the number of chromosomes in the cell is cut in half so that your body can produce a gamete." Mr. Banner pulled us apart and stepped back between us. He paused to put a hand on my shoulder and one on Edward's as well. He turned us toward one another and I had a feeling I wasn't going to like where he was going with this.

"During fertilization, one gamete fuses with another gamete to produce a zygote with the proper number of chromosomes." Mr Banner propelled us into one another. Edward stepped forward gracefully and I slammed into him like a klutz because I was so anxious and rigid. Edward caught me by the shoulders and righted me, and suddenly I was swimming in déjà vu. Friday night in the forest, Edward had done just that, caught me by the shoulders when I tripped. I remembered his touch that night was every bit as light and tender as it had been just now. I was overcome by the remembered sensation as his hands lingered on my upper arms.

"Now Edward and Bella form a pair of chromosomes – Edward represents the paternal DNA and Bella represents the maternal DNA. Edward and Bella have to work together in a recessive state." As if Edward and I could ever work together, what a laugh. I looked up at Edward who was looking down at me. I tried to understand the expression on his face but couldn't. It seemed unusually intense, even for him.

"If both Edward and Bella carry the same recessive mutation, the disease will be expressed." Mr Banner explained. "If however," he continued, lightly yanking me out of Edward's grasp to illustrate his point, "Edward does not carry the recessive mutation, Bella's disease will not be expressed."

"Do you get it class? Same mutation on each chromosome of the pair, expression of a recessive disease." And he pushed Edward and me together one more time. I couldn't control my blush as my cheeks turned bright red.

"Only one chromosome with the recessive mutation, no disease." He pulled Edward and me apart and I was sure Edward could see my red cheeks. I felt so exposed. Could the whole class see what being near him did to me?

"Thanks kids, you two can take your seats now," Mr Banner said. I looked at Edward again, wishing I had something to say that would make me feel less obvious. Edward just nodded at me to move first so I did, happy to be taking my seat instead of being on display in front of the class.

"That was interesting," he whispered, leaning towards me as he settled into his seat. I couldn't tell if he was being honest or sarcastic.

"Yeah, interesting," I mused.

"All that coming together and pulling apart…" I turned my head to the side a little to stare at him. "It was almost like dancing," he teased. I rolled my eyes and shook my head dismissively. He leaned even closer so that his nose nudged my ear "Or sex."

Definitely sarcastic. I blushed instantly and he smiled triumphantly. Why was I such a fucking idiot? I tried to focus on Mr. Banner's voice but it was like a dull drone in a foreign tongue. The strange electricity that I felt when I was around Edward was zinging and zapping, and now that Edward had touched me it was pretty damn hard to ignore. It was like another distinct entity that demanded attention.

I had to turn the tables on Edward or he was going to permanently own me. I knew what I had to do and willed my courage. And even though I knew I shouldn't allow myself this, I was going to enjoy it. I leaned towards Edward and purposely breathed out a deep breath into his ear. "You wish," I purred. He froze beside me and I smiled like a Cheshire cat. My confidence was soaring and I decided to use his state of shock as an opportunity to take another crack at him. I leaned in even closer this time, so close that he would feel the heat of my skin against his side. I lightly brushed his ear with my lips and whispered, "One kiss isn't enough for you is it?"

I turned away from him pretty fucking proud of myself and that's where I made my mistake. There was no time for gloating in this contest. I should have known better than to ease back from my defensive stance. I'd left myself wide open for attack and apparently Edward didn't like to lose. He leaned toward me and let not just his face but his whole body invade my personal space. I held my ground but closed my eyes trying to ignore the closeness of his body, sure that his proximity would make it impossible for me to control myself. It was a sign of weakness and I think Edward knew that he had me in that moment. There had been too much touching, too much erogenous innuendo, too many desires lurking just below the surface of my consciousness. His invasion of my personal space was the end of what I could handle. I braced myself for his words, knowing whatever they were they would be my undoing.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who wishes," he breathed, lingering at my ear just long enough to finish the kill. For a moment the outside world ceased to exist. I folded in on myself and let the velvet caress of Edward's voice take me under. I let it echo through my body and cover me in waves of euphoria. He was hands down the sexiest motherfucker on the planet and damn did he ever know how to play me. Yes Edward I did wish for your kiss. In a perfect world where all the rest of the shit didn't matter, he could kiss me fucking senseless any time he wanted and for me it would be Utopia. I couldn't even find it in myself to be angry with him. Just euphoric, and really super turned on.

The bell rang in the middle of my reaction to our quasi-foreplay war. It was the first time that I could remember not wanting biology to end. I was seeing it in a whole new light now. It was no longer a place to push buttons, it was a place to have my buttons pushed, and not the ones that made me bitchy and irritated but the ones that turned me on. I laughed out loud at my new perspective. If I had to be killed every day by sitting beside Edward fucking Cullen, I couldn't think of a better way to die – death by sexual stimulation.

He was already gone from his seat when I surfaced back into reality with a big fucking smirk on my face. It was too bad really. I was euphoric enough to continue our erotic pursuits. I gathered my books in a haze and walked out, meandering lazily down the hall to my locker, trying to hold on to the sound of his voice for as long as I could. I tossed my books in and grabbed my gym bag out before I slammed the locker door shut with a sigh. I bet Edward really was actually capable of giving a girl an orgasm just by speaking. The thought of him talking dirty combined with his perfectly sexy voice made me shudder. Even gym couldn't wreck this high.

I spun on my heel and began to walk towards the gym when I heard a chuckle. There in the shadows, in an alcove to the left of my locker stood Edward, wearing his signature crooked smirk, entirely smug. I'd never been so fucking turned on in my life. I walked over to him and pushed his body backwards into the wall. I fisted his shirt with one hand and cupped his neck with the other and crashed my lips down on his. I plunged my tongue into his mouth with abandon, pressing and caressing and tasting every bit of goodness his tongue offered me back. I pressed my body so tightly into his that we became one. And I kept on pressing and kissing and licking until I was tingling from head to toe and had to pull back to breathe. I looked him in the eyes and I licked my lips, then smirked and left for gym. Let him think about that for a while.

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A/N: I'm a sneaky little author, aren't I? I told you that you'd that you'd appreciate Mike's question :op You all are seeing biology in a whole new light, aren't you? Reviews are love.


	16. Questions

**A/N**: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters.

Thank you to everyone who left a review on the last chapter. It was wonderful to get such an enthusiastic response.

Sorry for the delay in updates. I've been struggling with some writer's block.

I got a couple of questions regarding the nature of Edward's reaction to Bella in the last chapter. This story focuses on Bella and Edward's chemistry and in particular their sexual chemistry. As the story progresses the characters will become less and less like those in Twilight. Then again, it depends on your perspective. I think their sexual chemistry was downplayed to a certain degree because of the age the book was geared at. I want to explore the chemistry and focus on it rather than downplay it, so depending on your take Bella and Edward may seem in character or out of character. I just wanted to clarify in case I'd given the wrong idea that I was sticking to the very canon forms of B&E.

From **Edward's POV**…

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I watched her walk away from me, trying to catch my breath and fighting the urge to grab her and pull her back to me. I wasn't even sure what had just happened or what I'd done right. I only knew that I hadn't had enough of her.

Had I finally found a way to get through to her, by teasing her with sexual innuendo of all things? It seemed so improbable that something so primitive and rudimentary, something so fundamentally intrinsic to the human condition would be the thing to get through her stubbornness. And what did that say about her feelings for me? Did that mean anyone could use that route to get to her or was it the combination of sexual innuendo from me that was the key?

Her reaction to my teasing was completely unexpected. Instead of trying to irritate her for the sake of annoyance, as had once been my goal, I was trying to embarrass her, hoping to make her blush and knock her off her game. It was my ambition to keep her from feeling centered anticipating that it might make it easier to get around those damn walls of hers and get into her head. Bella as always was trying to keep me out but in trying she was only keeping me talking and that was fine with me. Mr. Banner had provided the subject matter. It was merely coincidence that I recalled making a joke to her about sexual reproduction during the meiosis lecture that had caused her to blush. When I couldn't come up with a subject on my own I used the subject matter at hand to speak to her.

As soon as I got close to her I could feel her pull. It was almost impossible to explain to someone the effect she had on me. The closer I got to her person, the closer I needed to be, like a craving but stronger, almost a compulsion. I'd only intended to whisper in her ear but as soon as I moved towards her I'd felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her. I hesitated at her ear, fighting the urge and forcing myself to pull back. It was nearly impossible. She was like a drug. One hit and I was permanently addicted. Even though Bella and I were only in the very early stages of development, I was starting to understand just how powerful and profound the bonds of physical love could be.

Mr. Banner really deserved some sort of reward for his assistance in my experiment. In choosing Bella and I as props he gave me the opportunity to be close to her, to touch her and to observe her reactions to me. I didn't even have to speak to her, just be near her and watch. When he first grabbed my elbow I almost laughed at him and considered planting my feet so he wouldn't be able to move me, but then I caught the tenor of his thoughts and understood that it would be to my benefit to let him use me as a pawn in his discussion. Bella wasn't expecting Mr. Banner's actions and was taken off balance, tripping and falling into my side when he pushed her. Her warmth against my body was like a healing touch, finally soothing the pull for a short moment.

I carefully followed Mr. Banner's intentions through his thoughts, feeling unsatisfied when he stepped between Bella and I again. I allowed it because I could see where he was leading. I inwardly laughed when he referred to her as innocuous. While I understood that he meant 'harmless' in reference to the genetic state he was lecturing on, Bella could hardly be considered innocuous. She was extremely interesting, stimulating, and significant, at least to me.

I watched her carefully. She seemed to be trying very hard to stay angry with me, or pretending she was angry but it just felt off, false somehow. When Mr. Banner turned us toward one another I was staring at her quite intensely, willing her to look up at me. She wouldn't and I found it very frustrating. My emotions were all over the place. I began to feel angry with Mr. Banner for thinking about shoving her but again my reaction to his thoughts was premature. I let it sour my mood for a moment before Bella stumbled because of it and I was able to reach out to catch her. Just to feel her between my fingertips again was exhilarating, to know that it was me that had kept her from falling. My spirit was soaring.

I tried to understand the expression on her face but was unable to pinpoint its meaning. Once again Mr. Banner played his game of push and pull but this time she came back to me blushing. I heard her heart beat stutter and accelerate. She looked so beautiful with her ruby cheeks but I did not understand the reason behind them.

I was afraid she would catch me staring again so I said nothing to her until we took our seats. Had it been the contact with me that spurred the blush or just the general embarrassment of being on display in the front of the class? Her blush had faded and I was dying to test my theory. I searched my mind desperately for something to engage her with besides the small talk of Mr. Banner's demonstration. I longed to touch her again, uncomfortable with the nagging pull from her direction. My thoughts tumbled together, the need to touch her, the desire to understand the reasons behind her blush and my hope to embarrass her to keep her off-centered and suddenly what I needed and wanted became one in the same. I leaned over to whisper to her, purposefully invading her personal space so that I would become a physical presence that she could not ignore. I nudged her ear softly with my nose as I whispered and was rewarded with a blush. I smiled triumphantly, ecstatic that I was able to elicit some positive reaction in her.

I was busy trying to come up with another thing to say to Bella to test the theory again, just to be absolutely sure, and Bella caught me deep in introspection. I suppose in hindsight I should have predicted that Bella would do just what she did because Bella was not one to stay reticent. What I could not have predicted was the potency of her efforts or their effect on me.

Bella turned the tables on me quite thoroughly and gave me a taste of my own medicine. She leaned into my body and sighed softly and effeminately, her warm breath hitting my ear in the most pleasurable way. I froze, suddenly unsure of the proper reaction. I didn't want to react the wrong way and discourage her, wholly willing to be part of her game. Her whisper challenged my deepest fantasies, unearthing desires that I thought myself incapable of having, and my breath caught in my throat in response. I fought against my desires and willed my control to stay in place while I stayed completely still. And in my stillness she either decided to continue or to try something further because she pulled away but then moved even closer. The heat from her skin was radiating warmth throughout my entire body. She skilfully moved her lips across my ear like the breeze from a butterfly's wing. It was the sexiest sensation I had ever felt and it amplified the pull from her tenfold. Against my ear, her lips vibrated with the sweetest truth ever spoken. One kiss was not enough. A million kisses would never be enough. My desire for this girl was unquenchable.

After she pulled away from me and I collected myself, I looked over at her and she was smug. Her teasing or my reaction to it had caused her to feel pleasure and pride and I felt a thrill that no kill or victory had ever delivered. Suddenly I was consumed with the need to retribute her behaviour and a desire to provoke her intense reaction one more time. I leaned in to imitate her behaviour, to absorb all free space around her body without touching her, to breathe her in and feel her warmth on my skin and get lost in her. When she closed her eyes it was like salvation. There were no more doubts about whether Bella had feelings for me or not. I murmured the only truth strong enough to answer her words and called her on her desire to kiss me. Watching her reaction was all the proof I'd ever need. Her smile reflected joy, her expression, calm and delight. She cared for me, without a doubt.

I couldn't resist another shot at testing my theory, to poke at the edges of it to evaluate its strength. I slipped out of class and hid by her locker, watching and waiting. Like the other morning she appeared to be distracted but unlike the day before she was unreserved and almost giddy. When she passed me I laughed lightly, overjoyed with our interactions and her happiness. Her eyes quickly found me in the shadows. I feared her anger. Had I gone too far? Would she shut down on me again?

I was completely unprepared for her reaction.

There was no hesitation in her step, no indecision in her actions. She walked straight for me and pushed my body backwards into the wall. I did not understand where her actions came from but I did not care. I understood their intensity and that was enough. One tiny hand fisted my shirt and the other slid around my neck, warm and satiny and so incredibly sure. She pressed her lips into mine with such fervour it nearly knocked me backwards. I guess she knew what she was doing by pushing me back into the wall of the alcove first.

As if her lips on mine weren't enough, or her hand around my neck wasn't already more than I could handle, she pressed her body into mine and removed every bit of space that separated us. Her tongue sought entrance into my mouth and I revelled in the sweetness of her taste once again. For the second time that day my most carnal desires surfaced. I wound my hands around her waist and just let her affection take me under. She pressed and twirled and caressed my tongue thoroughly until we were both little more than panting breaths and heaving chests and intense questioning eyes. She just smiled at me and licked her lips and walked away.

How could she walk away? Could she not feel what I was feeling? Was she able to dismiss what I could not? Was she not stuck in our bizarrely tangled connection the same way I was?

Did she understand that she had become my lifeline?

I had to know.

I could still smell her all around me, taste her on my lips and sense her warmth on my skin. I don't even remember the walk to Spanish. She was my only focus. Even Emmett couldn't rouse me from my thoughts with his mental vociferating.

'You've lost it man. What is up with you? You're acting like you crazy person lately.'

If I told him it was love would he understand? Could he understand the bounds of what existed between Bella and me when even I was only beginning to deduce the depth and intricacies of the connection?

'You look zoned Edward. Pull it together. You're going to make the family look bad if you don't watch your step.'

I tried to tune him out. There had to be something I could do to gain a better understanding of what Bella was feeling, something immediate and adroit. I was a resourceful man. It had to be explicit, something that would show her my perception, something that would fully express my understanding and leave nothing merely implied.

'Seriously, dude, are you actually in there or did someone suck out your insides and render you an idiot?'

I shot Emmett a smirk. Bella may very well have done that to me with her last kiss. And then I realized that I had to return that kiss. I had to show her I was capable of the same unreserved feeling and impulsive passion, and it couldn't wait. I had to do it today, now, or risk losing the gains of the day. If I'd learned anything about Bella it was that her moods were ever-changing, just as mine were. I couldn't give her the chance to change her mind or regret her actions. I had to capitalize on her current state of infatuation. Was that even a fair characterization of the feelings? I had to push the labels aside and analyze in black and white. Her reactions today had been positive towards me. I wanted more positive. That was as simple as I could put it. Of course nothing about my feelings for Bella was simple. But I wanted more positive, so more positive was what I went seeking.

I gathered my books in a flurry at the bell and tossed my keys at Emmett with no explanation. Alice would see what I was planning. She could fill in the blanks of his simple mind if he cared enough to ask her for an explanation. I didn't have the time to explain right now.

There wasn't enough time to catch her on her way out of the gym, not at a human pace anyway, and there were far too many witnesses to move at a speed more to my liking. I debated going to wait by her truck. It felt too obvious though, too public, and something told me that if I cornered her in the parking lot that she would reject me on the grounds of conspicuousness rather than risk exposure. I was not willing to chance a rebuff today. It had to be something more low profile. I eyed the supply room as I passed it. It was private with a lockable door, and Bella would have to walk directly by it on her way to her truck. I forced the door open as quietly as I could manage and waited silently for her.

The majority of Bella's classmates exited the dressing rooms before Bella and my impatience grew, the tugging almost as uncomfortable as the anticipation was enthralling. I heard her soft footsteps first, followed by a burst of her flowery scent. She seemed to be walking so slowly. I chanced a peek around the corner and found her, still wearing the same grin she'd worn when she walked away from me. A surge of emotion overwhelmed me. Was she still as captivated by our kiss as I was?

I waited for her to pass by the door almost completely before I pushed it open a crack and reached for her, encircling my fingers around her wrist and lightly tugging her towards me. I had surprised her, frightened her, and her body went rigid and assumed a defensive stance.

"Get your fucking hands off of me," she growled. There was a light in her eye that I didn't recognize, a warning of some sort. I let go of her wrist and withdrew my hand immediately, staring intensely back at her. My stance was fixed but tentative, unsure of what her next move might be.

"What the hell do you think you're doing," she snarled angrily.

I stepped towards her cautiously. I had crossed some imaginary line with Bella that I did not understand. I could not back down, but it completely changed the way I intended to touch her.

She eyed me warily but held my gaze wordlessly. I took another step towards her and she backed away, eyes still stuck and angry. Another step. Again she backed away. She had only one more step she could take before she would back into the shelving unit. I was worried she would stumble or topple the shelf somehow and hurt herself. I moved my hand between her and the shelf and took another step. She avoided my hand by turning her body as I had predicted. The obstacle of the shelf was no longer in play, only one long empty wall that I would push her up against if I had my way. I stepped at her, matching each step she took to back away until there was no more room, just the wall and her body pressed tightly up against it and one last step for me to take. I held my ground searching her eyes, willing her a choice to leave if she wished. As much as I wanted this, it had to be her choice for me to touch her, always her choice. She did not move and I watched as her deep brown eyes softened and the anger disintegrated. Could she sense that I would not hurt her? Did she know that I only wanted to love her?

I raised my hands to her cheeks and softly cupped them, afraid that she might flinch away. To my great relief, she didn't. My thumb moved gently along her cheekbone softly caressing her silky skin, her eyes still holding mine. I took that last step towards her body, letting her warmth crash over me like a tidal wave. She shuddered between my palms. The pull I felt from her was domineering and unbroken, so difficult to control my actions against. I had already scared her once and would not do it again.

I inclined my head towards hers slowly, measuredly, my eyes still locked on hers. I was close enough to feel her breath against my face. I tried to resist her a little longer, to internalize the tension and need that electrified the air between us, but her irresistible pull kept me moving towards hers. I brushed a soft kiss against her waiting mouth, still caught up in her eyes as the delicate pressure of her lips radiated through me. Her intense gaze only piqued my need. My tongue came out to lightly trace the edges of her lips. The sensation was divine. I took her top lip between mine and kissed it softly and repeated the action with her bottom lip. Still her eyes did not close, calling to me, holding mine in some silent colloquy. An invitation? A secret? A desire? I could not distinguish the words they whispered but that didn't stop me from trying.

I covered her face in soft kisses - her cheekbones, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her forehead, her jawbone. Not hard kisses but gentle unassuming kisses, the opposite end of the spectrum of my carnal desire to possess her. I wanted her to feel my love, not the passion that burned within me but the protective and caring love and I felt for her. I had no way to know if she'd want to know my love but I showed it to her anyway because it's what my instincts told me she needed – not some man to possess her but one that knew how to take care of her. Was I that man?

I pulled back slightly, allowing my thumb to rub her bottom lip and elicited a sharp intake of breath from her. Her eyes fluttered shut. I was sure she had no idea how sexy she was between my hands. I pressed my body into hers, languishing the feel of her soft fragile body against my own and laid my lips on her mouth, waiting for them to react to my touch. It was like a button had been pressed and her spirit awoke. She kissed me back fervently, ardently, filling my senses with every bit of her touch and taste and sound and smell. I was in heaven.

I dropped my hands from her cheeks and pulled her small frame into my body, tightly, snugly, conforming her gentle curves into the angles and ridges of my form. She did not fight me, moaning softly into my mouth in appreciation of our closeness and giving me more of herself by pressing her lips harder into my kiss. Her arms curled around my neck and held me to her.

My mind was already a million miles ahead of my body, wanting more from her than I had the right to ask for, pondering what her skin would feel like against mine and justifying a way to touch her so that I might get my wish. I tried to refocus my thoughts in the moment but the pull was never far from my mind, nagging at me. Bella wasn't helping matters, tangling her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck and tugging a tiny bit every time she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I couldn't ascertain whether I was unable to fight her or if it was merely that I did not wish to fight her, and it didn't really matter; I was there in her arms for as long as she'd hold me.

She pulled back from my lips for a moment and then took my bottom lip between her teeth and raked them over my flesh. A very ungentlemanly growl rumbled from my chest and she smiled against my mouth for a moment before repeating her amorous torture on my top lip. Every molecule of energy in my body refocused on the sensation for a moment. The simple action of her teeth on my lips was my ruin, arousing me so fully that I had to adjust the way my body was pressed into hers before I appeared impertinent and brash. I think Bella thought I was trying to pull away from her kiss and came back at me, planting several small wet kisses against my lips before pulling back fully.

As we fought to regain our composure, to catch our breath and come back down to Earth, I searched her eyes again. I could only find happiness. Could she see the happiness in mine?

"I have to go," she whispered matter-of-factly. I tried to mask my disappointment. I wasn't ready to let her go.

"Why?" I questioned sullenly.

"Shit to do," she offered with an indifferent shrug.

"But Bella…" I needed her to know what I was feeling. I needed to know what she was thinking and feeling. I wanted to explain everything but when I started to explain she cut me off.

"No, it's fine…really. You don't need to say anything."

"What if I want to say something? Don't you think there are some things we need to talk about?"

"Nope, I'm good. See you tomorrow." She started to walk out, hesitating briefly by the door with a quick look over her shoulder.

I didn't know what to think or what to do. I started after her. I couldn't let her walk away with so many things unsaid.

"Bella, wait. We need to talk."

She just walked faster, determined to get out of there without talking to me.

"Bella, please!"

She did not acknowledge me.

Her reaction didn't make sense to me. I waded through our words and actions to find the key to understanding her withdrawal and there was nothing. It was as if she had decided that she'd had enough and was satisfied. How could that be when I still felt completely unsatiated? I didn't think I could ever get enough of her given my feelings for her, and that was where my error lay, in assuming that she had those same feelings for me or something analogous. I had seen what I wanted to see, assigned feelings to her that did not exist based on my own desires and feelings.

This was only a game to her, a power play...nothing more, nothing less. I meant nothing to her. As I watched her slowly moving farther away from me my dreams began to crumble. I could feel the darkness descending. I'd never felt so hollow.


	17. Metamorphosis

**A/N:** Twilight, Edward, Bella, Alice, Charlie, Emmett, Jessica, Lauren, Angela, Carlisle, Esme and every other character made reference to and then some is owned by Stephenie Meyers, not that you didn't know that, but I still feel compelled to say it every chapter regardless.

This shall be a good week for updates if you're in the mood to read. And thank you again for the reviews. I am so appreciative of you guys taking the time. Not that I wouldn't like to encourage a few more of you to comment. I'm all for it. Feedback is like oxygen to me.

**From Bella's POV**…

* * *

I'd either died and gone to heaven or lost my mind completely and both options were equally and entirely fucking scary to me. Did that really just happen? Did Edward Cullen just pull me into the supply closet, push me up against a wall and kiss me fucking senseless. If I had only dreamed it then did I really want to wreck it by over-thinking it? It was so surreal that I was having trouble processing it. I could still taste him on my tongue and feel the tingle he left on my skin where he touched me and smell his unique amazing scent on my jacket, proof positive that it did indeed fucking happen. I knew that. What I didn't know was why it happened or what his game was.

When he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the supply room I was ready to kick him in the balls. I didn't like being caught off guard or being grabbed by him. Well, that wasn't exactly a true statement. I don't like being grabbed by anyone and as soon as I felt his fingers close around my wrist my body just naturally prepared for the fight. My heart thudded and my fists clenched and adrenaline raced through my veins. I immediately started pulling my wrist back towards my body, trying to get it out of his grasp, until he pulled me through the door and I saw his face, and then my line no longer mattered because it was Edward. My instincts told me he would not hurt me even if he did grab me. He didn't know my lines and I'd certainly not been following those lines with him earlier in the day.

I tried to relax and let my irritation go but couldn't, and I realized I was angry. I didn't know what he was expecting from me, and as I tried to figure it out I became even angrier, not just at him but at myself. He shouldn't have grabbed me but I shouldn't have encouraged his expectations with my idiotic behaviour. Who did I think I was kissing him in the hallway? I was nothing more than a horny slut trying to play games with someone who was completely out of my league, someone who not only didn't give a shit about me, but who was using me as much as I was using him. I wanted so fucking badly to believe my own words, to believe that I was using him the same way he was using me, but the thought was only half true. He was using me, but I could not equate using him with my feelings for him. I wanted him, as idiotic as it was.

I had to give the motherfucker credit. He knew exactly what he wanted. Every step I took to back away from him he matched, and not in an aggressive or threatening way, just pure confidence and determination, a force to be reckoned with and respected really. I was envious of his insight, to know what he wanted so clearly and to be completely unafraid to go after it, even if it was something so simple like fucking around with a girl. And that's all it was. Edward Cullen was horny and I was a convenient pair of tits and no amount of rationalizing or dreaming would make it anything else.

It wasn't hard to pretend he wanted me or that he cared. The way he cupped my face and held it so tenderly and gently between his palms, the way he stroked my cheek with his thumb like I was a prize worthy of his affection, the way he kissed me so softly over every inch of my face like he knew my soul needed saving. The boy had some serious fucking skills. No, pretending that he wanted me was easy, like breathing, I just had to close my eyes and let him touch me. And I did because I was an idiot, not for letting him corner me or kiss me, but for doing such a good job pretending that it felt real. I just disengaged and forgot who I was and forgot who he was and let it happen. Pretending was definitely the easy part. Coming back down to Earth was the hard part. That's why I cut it off before he could pull back from me and remind me that it was all pretend and that I meant nothing to him, so I could stop it before he could reject me and break me a little more right before his eyes. That's why I sat on my bed holding my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth while I cried, because more than anything I wanted it to be true and it just fucking wasn't.

Charlie checked on me at least three times that night. I hadn't cried like that since I first arrived and I knew he was worried I was relapsing into the grief over losing my mom. I probably should have admitted to him that I was being a pussy over a boy so he could relax but it seemed so entirely pathetic to say it out loud that I couldn't find the strength to do it. I couldn't find the strength to do much of anything that night except for crying and eventually I exhausted myself enough to sleep.

I was a ticking time bomb walking around the campus the next day - too little sleep and too much angst does not a happy Bella make. I was disgusted with myself for allowing myself to fall apart and be such a girl. It made me no better than sluts like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who threw themselves at any halfway decent looking boy, trading sex for popularity. I wasn't looking for popularity but it still felt like I was selling my soul. It was just easier to be angry at my reaction to the impossibility of it all rather than be angry with myself for letting the kiss happen. Considering my feelings for the asshole it would have been pretty fucking hard to resist him so I wasn't going to guilt trip myself over it. I did need to reel it in though. I couldn't keep playing games, as pleasurable and erotic as they were, or I was going to land up psychotic. Fuck, maybe I was already there, lost in the delusion that Edward Cullen had feelings for me and hallucinating random make-out encounters. The saddest part about the idea was that I wished it were true. Psychosis was a fucking cakewalk compared to reality.

Each class seemed more irritating than the last and my irritation made concentration almost impossible. I just sat and stewed and worked myself up to the point of frenzy. In fourth period I acknowledged that the approaching lunch hour and subsequent biology class were inescapable and resigned myself into numb acceptance. I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't change it and I had to accept my responsibility in it all because all along I knew I should have stopped it. Somehow I would get through it because there was no other choice, just like everything else in my fucking life.

I scanned the lines in the cafeteria looking for Alice but couldn't find her. On the way to my table I peeked at the Cullen's usual table hoping to catch her attention. It was curiously empty. What the fuck? I plopped down sullenly. I should have been relieved that he wasn't at school and that I didn't have to deal with him in biology but I wasn't. I was pissed off. I didn't want to delay my humiliation. I wanted to fucking get it over with.

"Mike and I were talking about heading down to the beach after school to take advantage of this fabulous weather. Is anyone else in?" Jessica wondered out loud.

"It kind of sounds like fun, Jess." Angela's voice was so soft it barely registered over the drone of cafeteria voices. "Did you want to come Bella?"

"Huh?" I asked, distracted.

"A bunch of kids are going to the beach after school. Did you want to tag along?"

"Ah, sure," I mumbled before I really thought about what I'd just agreed to.

"Do you surf?" Angela wondered.

I snorted and burst out laughing. "Me? Surf? NO!" I assured her. "I don't have a death wish."

"Me either," Angela agreed. "I mean the death wish…and the surfing." She laughed lightly.

"I can barely walk without falling over my own fucking feet," I offered, thinking about my disastrous attempt at surfing in Half Moon Bay. My mom and I were on vacation in San Francisco and someone recommended surfing to her. She signed us both up for lessons thinking it was a fantastic idea while conveniently overlooking my challenge in staying upright on solid ground. I'd never swallowed so much water in my life. I think my blood was salinated that day.

"We can watch the whales or something," Angela offered shyly. I wondered if my swearing made her feel uncomfortable.

"Who else is going?' I asked, trying to make her feel more at ease.

"Mike, Jessica, Eric, Tyler, Lauren, a bunch of people. We don't see the sun very often here so everybody is excited."

"Yeah, I noticed. Alice was so excited she didn't even show up for school today."

"Alice?" Angela inquired. "Alice Cullen?"

"Yeah, she's my friend," I mumbled.

"She's probably camping," Angela suggested.

"Camping?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen pull all the kids out of school when the weather is nice and take them camping."

"Seriously?" That so did not sound like Alice, or Edward for that matter. They were always so put together, clad in designer clothing and perfectly coifed. I'd never even seem them break a sweat. Bugs and twigs and sleeping on rocks didn't really equate with the Cullen's image.

"Yeah, they're never around when the weather is nice."

How fucking weird! "Lucky," I offered feebly.

"I'll say. It's hard to concentrate in class when the sun is shining. It's so distracting."

"Yeah, distracting," I agreed. Well at least I had an alternate excuse for my distraction. Perhaps my preoccupation with Edward wouldn't seem quite so obvious today.

Biology was weird. I couldn't relax, constantly checking the door for him and staring at his empty stool even though Angela had told me he was probably camping. I should have breezed through class completely unaffected because I didn't have to worry about him making some comment or trying to occupy my attention in some manner. Instead, in his absence, class dragged on in monotony and I was restless and bored. There was no relief in being able to put off our inevitable conversation about my stupidity, no shitty comments to dread about our supply closet snogging, but he was still all I thought of. I missed him and that was wrong any way you fucking looked at it. I began to look forward the bloody beach excursion just so I couldn't go home and wallow. That is until I heard a crack of thunder, followed by multiple lightening strikes and the clamour of a downpour on the school's roof. God damn it! The universe was friggen conspiring against me.

I decided I was going to head to the beach anyway. Even alone and soaking wet it seemed like a better alternative than going home to wallow. Maybe if I sat in my truck and watched the ocean for a while all of the answers I was seeking would magically materialize out of thin air. Or maybe, for a minute, I wouldn't feel like such a stupid fuck.

I could sense the ocean nearing as I traveled along the road that was now becoming familiar. I was caught up in my head as I drove, anxious and unsettled. I was hoping the ocean might help to calm me. Along the way I glanced down at the dash and noticed the engine light had come on. My truck was old so it wasn't abnormal for it to run a little hot, but it wasn't until then that I realized the sound of the engine was wrong, loud even for my engine, like there was a drag on the motor that was causing it to work harder than normal. I debated turning around but before I even had a chance to make a decision steam started spewing out from under the hood. I decided the stupid universe really was out to get me today.

I had no cell phone to call Charlie for help so I was on my own. I pulled over to the edge of the road and yanked hard on the hood release. I didn't know much about engines but I did know the only way I was getting the engine cooled was to let the heat out. The rain was still coming down fairly hard so I pulled up my raincoat and went out to try and get the hood open. I struggled, pushing my small fingers under the hood to try and unhitch the latch but my fingers were too short and not quite strong enough to force it open.

"Fuck!"

I tried again, trying not to get flustered by my too short fingers and the massive amounts of steam billowing around my hands. It was hot and I could feel it burning my skin as I worked blindly on the latch. It was no use. I couldn't get it.

"FUCK!"

I slid down the front of the truck into a crouch, covering my head with my arms as the rain pelted me, feeling like the biggest fucking waste of oxygen on the planet. Of course I had to come to the ocean and of course my truck had to have problems on a road in the middle of fucking no man's land. If I'd just gone home this never would have happened. I get it universe. I'm a moron. You don't need to prove it to me again. I believe you.

"Bella?"

"Ahhhhh," I screamed, completely caught off guard and leaping to my feet. "God damn it Edward! You're going to give me a fucking heart attack!" I didn't hear his car drive up or even the slightest scratching of his feet against the gravel. If I didn't know better I would say he purposely snuck up on me to scare the shit out of me. I looked up at him, blinking as the raindrops peppered my face. Even with rain dripping from his hair and face he was still completely gorgeous.

"Sorry," he smiled. "I can't help it if you're extremely unobservant."

"No, I'm sure you can't help being as silent as a mouse while attempting to _not _scare the shit out of people," I accused sarcastically. I knew he wouldn't admit to anything but it felt better making the accusation. I didn't like being surprised.

"I'll make sure I drag my feet like a sloth next time," he offered mockingly. "Car trouble?"

"I think my engine overheated. The engine light came on but before I could head home steam started coming out, so I just pulled over."

"I can look at it for you?" he offered.

"I just need help getting the hood latch unhooked. My fingers are too short." I rubbed my hand unconsciously, remembering the burning feeling caused by the steam.

Edward reached out and took my hand to inspect it, turning it over so he could see it from all sides. "It looks like the steam burned you," he noted thoughtfully. "Are you okay?"

I pulled my hand back from his hold. "I'm fine," I insisted, blushing and feeling embarrassed. "It's nothing."

He pulled my hand back to him. "It's not nothing. My father's a doctor. I know burns when I see them." I watched him as he studied the red blotches on my fingers, being extra careful whenever he moved my hand.

"I'm fine," I confirmed a second time. "Can you just open the latch please?"

He took one more quick look at my hand before dropping it and opening the latch for me. He just jammed his hand under the hood amidst all the steam and popped the latch like nothing, making me feel impossibly more useless and stupid. I stepped towards the rad, pulling the sleeve of my coat over my hand to protect it, and twisted the cap off. Edward pulled my hand back in a split second but was too late to stop me.

"Isabella Swan do you have a death wish?" he yelled. "That's so incredibly dangerous. I told you I'd handle it."

"And I told you I don't need you to handle it. I'm perfectly capable of removing my rad cap." I didn't mean to yell back at him but I didn't appreciate his tone or insinuation.

"You've proven that by way of first degree burns! You don't need to keep hurting yourself to demonstrate your capabilities."

"Then what were you insinuating by saying you'd handle it?" I charged angrily.

"I was trying to be a gentleman Bella. Relax. I wasn't insinuating anything, and certainly not that you weren't capable or that I was more capable. My sister is a real car enthusiast…we all are really, and I just figured I might be of some service to you. Besides, you're supposed to let the pressure vent before you remove the cap. You could have burned yourself even worse."

"Alice likes cars?" I wondered.

"No, not Alice, my other sister Rosalie likes them."

"Blondie likes cars?" I asked, shocked. Edward laughed.

"Yes," he assured me. "She boosted my Volvo for me last year."

"She really doesn't seem the type," I mused. Long blond hair to her waist, perfectly curled and styled, long painted fingernails, designer shoes – it all screamed car enthusiast.

"You can't always judge a book by its cover," he mumbled quietly.

"True…hey, aren't you supposed to be camping?"

"The bad weather brought us home early."

"And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?" I wondered.

"No," he murmured. He shuffled his foot against the gravel and shifted his eyes away from my face. "I was going to the clearing."

Why would he be going to the clearing? "Why?"

"I drove by your house and you weren't there. It's the only other place I knew of to look for you."

"You were looking for me?" Why on Earth would he be looking for me?

"I wanted to talk to you." I guess he couldn't wait to talk about my stupidity either.

"Oh." I was such a linguist.

"You left so quickly yesterday."

"Yeah, well…you know." I shrugged, feigning indifference. I was resolved not to let him see my feelings and provide him with further ammunition.

"It's going to take your truck a bit to cool down. Why don't we go wait in my car where it's warm and dry?"

"I don't mind the rain," I said matter-of-factly. "Besides, I can just wait in my truck." That had to be better than sitting in the stupid shiny Volvo feeling like a lovesick loser.

"True," he allowed, "but I've got heat and an engine that actually works," he teased.

Damn it! I hadn't thought of the whole lack of heat thing. I couldn't argue with his logic, as much as I fucking wanted to. "You have a very strong need to be right, don't you?" I asked sincerely.

He moved with me as I walked towards his car, leaning forward to open the passenger side door for me. I nodded at him and got in. The car smelled like a mixture of leather and Edward's scent. It was heavenly and delicious. He could bottle his scent and sell it and make millions from it. I'd buy it in bucketfuls. Edward walked around to the driver's seat and got in, rubbing his hands together to warm them and then flipped a dial on the dash to adjust the temperature and fan for us. I had to admit the warmth from the heater felt good.

"And to answer your question, no I don't have a need to be right. I just am," he smirked, looking through the windshield off into the distance. The car was quiet for a moment and I studied his profile while I waited for him to continue. His voice was quiet and thoughtful when he spoke again. "Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?"

"I don't like it when people touch me." Not normally anyway.

"So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?"

"Yes."

His face crumpled in confusion as he tried to understand my logic. "But you let me kiss you?"

"I shouldn't have."

"Why?" I watched him closely trying to figure out what he was getting at. I guess he just expected to be able to kiss random women whenever he felt like it.

"No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don't want you to get the wrong fucking impression or anything." I was back-pedalling, trying to camouflage my own impetuous moronic behaviour to avoid having my feelings exposed, downplaying the entire interaction as if it were a casual thing that meant nothing.

"And what impression would that be?" The impression that makes you realize I'm hopelessly stupidly in love with you. The impression would be right on the money but so fucking wrong for me if you realized it.

"I dunno." What I mean is I know but there's no fucking way I'm going to admit it to you.

"I don't normally behave like this," he offered. His tone was almost alarmed. Why did he want me to know that? Was he trying to blame me for all of it?

"Okay."

"Do you?"

I didn't want to answer his question. It felt like I would be giving too much away. "I dunno."

"Is it really that you don't know, or that you don't want to say?"

Why did he always ask the exact question I didn't want to answer? I'm sure that shock from his question registered on my face. He may as well have been reading my mind. "I dunno."

He laughed lightly. "Do you care to figure it out?"

"Not so much." Nope, I'm good there, thanks.

"Not a big thinker?" he teased, smirking sideways at me. God that smile was hard to resist.

"I dunno." He turned to look at me now, and full on, his face was mesmerizing. It was hard to think let alone speak when I looked at him.

"You do you have a brain, don't you Bella?"

"Yes," I barked defensively, rolling my eyes at his insinuation.

"So you can say something besides 'I dunno,'" he smirked. Before my eyes the smirk transformed and Edward unleashed the full force of his crooked grin on me. I forgot to breathe for a moment. God he was fucking beautiful.

"Shut up!" I smiled. "You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words." Somehow he always knew the right insult to hurl that would make me say more than I really wanted to say, that would make me feel relaxed with him and make me open up. We had the strangest dynamic he and I, either annoying the shit out of one another or working ourselves up into a fit of sexual tension that was only relieved by a rousing round of tonsil hockey in the nearest dark corner.

"Bella, would you like to go out with me some time?" That glorious smile of his had not disappeared and he was staring at me quite intensely.

"No," I blurted too fast. He looked surprised by my answer. "I mean, I don't think it's a good idea."

"And why would that be?" he asked, resting his chin in his palm and continuing his all-consuming gaze. I began to wonder if he was going to say anything to me at all today that wasn't just a redistribution of my own thoughts. He seemed to be working overtime trying to get me to admit things while saying nothing about his own thoughts on any subject. Just his tone and inflection were enough to make my stomach twist. He was sexy and alluring without even trying, and his intensity was irresistible and hypnotic. How did he do that?

"You and I bring out the worst in each other." It was a goddamn fact, one that even he couldn't invalidate.

"What if I promise to be on my best behaviour?" He was trying really friggen hard to look sweet and innocent and doing a damn fine job if I was being honest. He had the whole dazzling thing down pat with the innocent glances through his long thick lashes, twinkling eyes and perfectly clear tone in his smooth sexy voice.

"I really don't think it's a good idea."

"We could go see a movie in Port Angeles maybe, or dinner?"

Was he not hearing me? I was saying no. I'm saying no Edward. I had to find a way to get him to hear me. "Look Edward, I think you have the wrong idea about me. You don't have to take me out or anything. I'm not like that."

He looked very confused at my words. "I don't understand what you mean Bella."

He was going to make me say it the bastard! I stared down into my lap and concentrated on my folded hands while I spoke. I couldn't look him in the face. "You don't owe me anything. I'm not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that."

"Meaningless?" The tone of his voice threw me and I looked up at him. He looked…angry. Why would he be angry when I was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, that I got that he wasn't in to me and was assuring him that I wasn't expecting anything?

"Yeah, and I mean…well it's fine. We don't need to go making a fucking federal case of it or anything. It is what it is."

"It is what it is?" More anger. It was contained, shrouded in the reserved mask he always wore but seeping out from tiny cracks in his normally controlled tone.

"Yeah," I nodded. I thought I was making myself pretty clear so his reaction made zero sense to me.

"And what is _it_, exactly, for argument's sake?" He tried to make his question sound like a joke but it wasn't. It was nothing but forced wit to disguise his disdain for whatever was bothering him. I wondered if he knew I could see through it all.

"Just a kiss."

"Just a kiss?" He didn't even try to hide the disgust in his tone. He was seriously offended. I guess he didn't like hearing that he wasn't all that.

"Why do you keep repeating what I'm saying?" It was really fucking annoying.

"Because you make no sense to me at all," he snapped, shaking his head.

"And repeating my words helps you figure me out?" I razzed.

"No," he admitted quietly, staring out the window again. "I'm hoping you'll clarify your thoughts."

Clarify my thoughts? I was being pretty fucking clear. "Are you saying it wasn't just a kiss?"

"I'm saying that I wish I knew how you felt." His sounded almost sad and it threw me again. I still had no intention of admitting anything to him though.

"Well I don't know how you feel either," I lied. He didn't need to tell me because he made it pretty fucking obvious that I meant nothing to him in every word he uttered to me.

"Did you want to tell me how you feel?" he wondered offhandedly.

No of course I don't want to fucking tell you how I feel moron. "Did you want to tell me how you feel?" Avoid, avoid, avoid.

"Now you're repeating my words," he noted with a laugh.

I didn't understand where his angst had come from. As usual things were out of control between the two of us and I couldn't risk getting more caught up in his emotions. I was already was too caught up as it was.

"I don't need this to get any more complicated Edward."

"Complicated," he murmured with a nod of his head. His eyes shut for a moment. The low tone in his voice was calling to me in such an erotic way, so powerfully that I wasn't even trying to fight it. He really didn't even have to try to be attractive. Sexy just seeped from his pores. "If I kissed you again would you let me?"

"Probably not." I wanted to think that's what I would do. It's what I should do. It's what I wanted to want to do.

"That's not a no." Gee thanks Captain Obvious.

"Okay, no." You asked for it.

He huffed, frustrated and then his grin returned to his lips as he turned his eyes back on mine. There was a calm and cool assuredness to his tone that had been gone from his voice until now. "So you don't want to go on a date with me, and you don't want to tell me how you feel, and you don't want me to kiss you?" His eyes held me prisoner, burning with an intensity that only someone like Edward could maintain. He was fucking breathtaking.

"That's…well…pretty much yes." I was completely incoherent and I felt foolish. The words just would not come.

"Pretty much?"

Again with the repeating? If nothing else Edward was very good at irritating me. "What do you want from me Edward?" I charged.

"A little truth…" he said simply.

For some unexplainable reason I wanted to give him some bit of truth, to not have to put on a mask and pretend, to not have to hide every bit of me. I wanted him to see a piece of the brokenness that was Bella Swan. "I'll give you one bit," I agreed. "If you give me one."

"Of course."

"Okay, what?" I braced myself, hoping for an easy question and knowing at the same time that it would be anything but.

"Do you like kissing me?"

I rolled my eyes. Was he an idiot too? Who wouldn't like kissing him? He was fucking gorgeous and very gifted in the art of osculation.

"You said you'd give me the truth," he complained softly.

"I thought you'd ask an easy question," I admitted, blushing lightly.

"It seems easy enough to me."

Edward the smug bastard had reappeared. Of course it was an easy question for him because he was admitting nothing. I was more or less admitting my feelings. If I admitted I liked kissing him, wasn't that just telling him what he should have already figured out if he had half a brain? "Fine, then you answer it," I suggested in a sarcastic tone, trying to avoid the question all together.

"I know my answer. I want yours."

There was no way I was going to get out of this situation without full disclosure since I'd already agreed to answer his question. I dropped my eyes to the ground. I couldn't look at him. "Yes."

"Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?"

"Yes I like kissing you," I whispered.

He shifted his body closer to me, turning to face me. I didn't look up. "But you don't want to kiss me again?" Even though his voice was soft when he spoke I recognized a hint of dread in his tone that didn't match the words he spoke.

"It's complicated…me and you…it's just complicated." And it was. It was complicated in ways that he couldn't possibly fathom or understand. I couldn't change it and I couldn't fight against it. I had already accepted my own stupidity and the impossibility of my wishes.

"I like kissing you too." My eyes shot up to his in shock and my heart skipped a beat. I was stunned by his admission. "I like you Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn't get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you."

My eyes searched his silently. I don't know what the fuck I was looking for, but I looked anyway.

"Did you want to ask me a question?" he wondered softly.

I shook my head.

"I'll answer," he promised.

There was only one question I could think of that I wanted an answer to. "Are you being honest?"

"As honest as I'm capable of."

Did he really think his averted justification was what I wanted to hear? "That's not really an answer."

"I'm not trying to deceive you Bella," he assured me sincerely. "You have my word on that. Perhaps if you could be more specific about your question is in regards to?"

"About what you said…about kissing me." I wasn't ready to repeat his words back to him. They felt wrong in my mouth, awkward and uncomfortable, like I was spreading a lie.

"I wouldn't lie about something like that."

There was no doubt in his words but still I couldn't believe him. "Why not? I mean if you'd lie about some things why not lie about that?"

"Because that would hurt you," he said decidedly.

"So?"

"Why would I want to hurt you Bella?" He seemed half amused and half horrified by my unwillingness to believe him.

"Why not? For fun? To watch me burn? Any number of reasons really." Hadn't the groundwork for our whole relationship been laid on hurting one another?

"I know in the past I may have acted inappropriately but I don't want to hurt you Bella, quite the contrary actually."

"Well what _do_ you want then?" I was so lost in his half-truths that I had no idea what he was after at this point.

"To take you out on a date, to get to know you better…to kiss you again."

I swallowed hard. His answer made me feel off-centered and shocked, so much so that my brain shut down. "Why?" I asked in utter disbelief.

"Because I like you."

His words burned my ears. They couldn't be true…they just couldn't. "Why me? I'm nothing special. I…" He cut me off.

"You're beautiful," he whispered. "And beauty is in the eye of the beholder so don't try and argue it with me."

"So what?" I shrugged indifferently, pretending to understand his declaration and at the same time knowing that he was wrong. "There are lots of pretty girls at school."

"It's not an easy thing to explain Bella. I just know how I feel."

I fought the urge to cover my ears, trying to protect myself and hold on to what I knew was real, while trying to understand where Edward was coming from. The unexpected intensity of the conversation was making me uncomfortable and I pushed back at it furtively. "It just doesn't hold water with me."

"Is it so hard to believe that I could be interested in you?" I almost laughed in his face, so absolutely fucking sure of himself that he felt his words were irrefutable.

"Yes." Honesty at it's fucking finest. No Edward, it's _impossible_ to think you could be interested in me.

"Well I am," he insisted, shifting towards me slightly. "So won't you go out with me?" he murmured in a soft persuasive tone that made my toes curl.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

What were we three year olds now? This had to be more about his ego than about taking me out. There was no other logical reason for him to be pressing me for a date. "You've never had a woman tell you no before have you?"

"That's beside the point." He was all smug superiority now. I wasn't having it.

"Seriously though, have you?" I prodded.

"No," he admitted with a smirk. "But I've never asked a woman out before."

"Okay, girl, teenager, whatever." Don't split hairs buddy.

"No, I mean I've never asked anyone else out…just you." A wide smile spread across his face.

"Huh?" That seemed totally fucking impossible. He just continued to stare at me with that sexy crooked grin of his. "No one?" I asked incredulously.

"You're the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me," he quipped. "So change your mind and say yes."

I could actually feel the stupid motherfucker in me taking over. "Okay." Did I just say that out loud?

He smiled appreciatively at me. "Friday?"

"Sure," I agreed, stopping short at that one word so my voice didn't betray the hurtling fear that was taking over and making me feel sick to my stomach.

"Should we go check your truck?"

"Sure." I could use the fresh air to help knock me to my senses.

"Why don't you try and start it?" he suggested.

I agreed and got behind the wheel, leaving the door open so I could hear him. "Ready?" I called.

"Ready," he assured me.

I turned the key but the engine didn't react. "The engine light is still on," I yelled. "I'm trying to start it but the engine is just not turning over." Edward appeared at my door out of nowhere and I jumped. "I thought we talked about not scaring the shit out of me?"

"Sorry," he laughed. "I'm pretty sure the rad's not cool enough yet. Why don't you let me take you home and I'll go get Rosalie and she can take a look at it?"

"I don't want to leave my truck out here. I can just have Charlie help me with it."

"He fixes cars?"

"Not exactly, but this isn't really your problem Edward. I can handle it."

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "I know you can Bella. I'm sure Rosalie won't mind helping and that way we can get it fixed and have it waiting for you in your driveway later today."

"I don't want to owe her too," I mumbled.

"You don't owe me anything and I'm betting Rosalie would actually _like_ to take a look at your ancient truck."

"Wait Edward. You're not going to find parts tonight, not for a truck this age."

"Ok," he hesitated, thinking it through. "I'll take you home then, and I'll pick you up for school in the morning and by tomorrow afternoon we'll have it fixed up as good as new."

"No…no you don't have to do that. I'm perfectly capable of getting myself to school tomorrow. You're doing enough."

"I insist."

"Edward," I complained.

"What?" he shrugged. "There could be a torrential down pour tomorrow. I'd feel better if you let me take you to school."

"Ok, fine," I agreed curtly, finding it impossible to hide my dislike of the entire situation. I didn't have the money to take the truck to a mechanic and Edward's sister was the closest thing I had to a friend in the business. I knew Charlie was working late so he wouldn't be able to help me getting it running today, and I really truly did not want to walk the two miles to school first thing in the morning. I was out of options.

"You could try and be a little bit happy about it," Edward teased.

"I don't like owing people."

"I told you that you don't owe me anything and if Rosalie expects something I'll take care of it. Now stop worrying about it and lets get you home and out of the rain."

"Fine." I slammed the truck door and crossed my arms in a huff.

He chuckled under his breath at my immature behaviour. "Most people would be happy for the help Bella."

"Well I'm not most people."

"True. You are not like most people."

We drove to my house in silence. I could feel him look at me every now and again and I peeked at him once or twice but I was too annoyed to think of nonchalant chitchat. Edward was unusually silent, seeming almost uncomfortable while he drove. I bet he was regretting asking me out.

He pulled up to the curb at my house and turned the car off. The atmosphere in the car was strained, either by my mood or by whatever seemed to be bothering Edward. I felt awkward and obvious and uncomfortable. I'm sure he could sense it.

"I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?" Like I had a choice.

"Yep."

He reached for my hand again, pulling it forward and examining it again. "You really should let me take you to have your hand looked at."

"I don't even feel it," I informed him brusquely.

"Still," he murmured in his hushed sexy voice that turned my insides into jello. He bent forward and planted a soft kiss on my fingers, still holding my hand in his. "Will you be okay?" he wondered.

"I'll see you tomorrow Edward." I waited for him to release my hand. He seemed reluctant to let me go, raising his eyes to meet mine and staring intensely at me.

"Tomorrow," he agreed in a quiet almost melancholy tone. He gave my hand a soothing squeeze and then let it drop.

I watched him drive away before I went inside. What the hell had I just gotten myself into?

* * *

**A/N:** Again I'd like to petition for reviews. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? You know you want to ;o)


	18. Determination

**A/N**: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer's ownership: Stephenie Meyer Twilight besitzt und alle seine Charaktere, auch in deutscher Sprache. Nobody said I couldn't be amused when I do it :op

So umm, yeah. I didn't look far enough into the plot when I cut chapter 16 and consequently this chapter's overlap with Chapter 17 was awkward time line wise. *blushes profusely* Completely my fault and I apologize for the repetitive dialogue. There were parts that were important to understand from Edward's perspective so I didn't want to scratch the entire broken down truck scene from Edwards POV. I tried to keep it brief but was not terribly successful with keeping it short. The result is a long chapter. You guys are always telling me you love long chapters so it's probably not a bad thing, but either way at least you have the explanation of it :o)

Do I get bonus points for giving two updates in two days? I'm going for three but we'll see. Either way there will be at least one more update by the end of the week. Woot!

And yay for reviews! You guys rock. Thank you so much for the enthusiasm and support and general merriment! I'm not kidding when I say I love those comments. Keep them coming. Tell me you loved it. Tell me you hated it. Tell me what you liked. Tell me what sucked. Just tell me!

**From Edward's POV**…

* * *

I tried to keep myself distracted, to keep myself from thinking about Bella or what had happened today or how I felt about her but she always seeped back into my mind. I landed up on the couch in my room with my headphones on, trying to replace the memory of her with the shredding guitar and screaming vocals of the heaviest thrash metal in my music collection. I let the sweep-picked arpeggios fill my ears and take me under while the aggressive drumbeats filled in the empty spaces. I imagined the strings in my mind, seeing my own fingers pick the chords and riffs that I heard in my ears. The relief was divine.

Alice was calling to me, trying to get my attention, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I didn't hear the soft knock at my door over the music.

It wasn't until I felt her small hand on my calf that I recognized that she was in the room with me.

"What Alice?" I demanded curtly, lifting my headphones from one ear.

"Just checking on you," she admitted. "You seemed really upset when you got home."

I glared at her but said nothing.

"Did you want to talk about it?"

I rolled my eyes and replaced the headphones on my ear.

'Is it Bella?' she thought.

My eyes moved to hers for a moment at the sound of Bella's name.

'It is Bella, isn't it?'

"Stay out of it Alice," I warned callously.

'Did you hurt her again?' Alice started searching for Bella's future and I winced.

"Please, Alice, don't. Not tonight." I could handle any more tonight, not Alice's visions or her questions or even her memories.

"Edward," Alice rasped, glaring angrily at me while she thought of a multitude of scenarios that all resulted in me hurting Bella.

"Why is it that you assume that _I_ did something? It's not as if she hasn't proven that she's more than capable of being baneful and virulent. Do you really see me as the unfeeling one?"

"I'm sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions. Can't I just come in here and check on my brother? Can't I say anything to you that doesn't cause a fight?" she complained remorsefully.

"Not about her…"

Alice turned her back to me and started looking forward into the murky planes of the future. Instead of concentrating on Bella, she was concentrating on me. The problem was that all of my decisions revolved around Bella so the visions would be every bit as painful for me as they would have been if she were looking at Bella's future.

"Alice, stop," I begged. She continued as if I hadn't spoken, either caught up in her trance-like state or ignoring my pleading. "Alice if you have any warmth of feeling for me whatsoever please stop. It's too painful." She didn't react to my words. Her physical form remained rigid and her mind spun rapidly through hazy images. She was searching for something specific, an answer to a question only she knew, repeating sequences, slowing them to analyze them, and then it all stopped dead. She turned to face me.

"She's gone Edward." Her tone, both audible and mental, was angry and aggressive.

"Who's gone?" I asked.

"Bella, she's not in your future any longer. What did you do?" she accused furiously.

Her statement made my chest heavy and I felt as if I was choking on something. It was only more proof that Bella was simply playing games. "I don't know," I admitted in a pained whisper. "She was right there with me one moment, and I thought she cared for me, but in the next moment she was gone."

"No Edward," Alice dissuaded. "This isn't Bella's fault. This is your future I'm looking for. You've decided something that's changed everything and she's disappeared from your future."

"She doesn't care about me Alice. _She_ pulled away from me. It's all just a game to her."

"Wow, you really are a simpleton. You don't deserve her," she declared in a reprehensible tone.

"Alice what are you talking about? You're not making sense. And maybe I don't deserve her but I hardly think that's your choice. It's Bella's."

"Exactly, and your decisions have taken her choices away." I could not follow her flawed and irrational logic.

"What choices? I haven't forced her into anything. She is free to make her own choices."

"Not when you've decided she's not a part of your future she's not." She was glowering uncivilly at me now.

"I can't make her care for me."

"No, you can't," she agreed.

"Then what are you getting at Alice?" I demanded harshly.

"Do you want a future with her Edward?"

"Of course I do, but I can't force her to return my feelings. It's painful to be continually rejected by her. I don't want to keep banging my head against the wall by playing games with her. If I'm not what she wants then I have to respect her decision."

"Ugh," she yelled, throwing her arms into the air to emphasize her disgust with my attitude. "You're such a cretin! Have you ever stopped to think about things from her point of view?"

"Of course I have Alice. She's been my every waking thought since…"

"Since you fell in love with her?"

"How would you know that Alice? I never shared my feelings with you." I began furiously searching Alice's mind for the visions that would have given away my feelings to her but she was resisting. "Damn it Alice, let me in."

"No Edward," she refused. "I'm not helping you with this. You don't love her if you're willing to let her go this easily."

"Easily? You think this has been easy for me?" I bellowed. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm trying to give her what she wants…to give her what will make her happy since I don't seem to be able to bring her happiness." My mind wandered to the brief moments of happiness we'd shared, the elation in provoking it and the bliss in basking in it, that beautiful smile of hers, those joyful eyes. If only I could find a way to keep her in those moments. A sudden flash of Bella appeared in my mind's eye, not from anything I'd thought but from a slip in Alice's mind. "I would do anything to make her happy Alice," I whispered. Alice's mind vivified at my words and Bella was back. There were hints of her here and there in vague images I saw before Alice pushed me out again.

"I told you I'm not helping you with this."

"I'm not asking for you to give me the answers Alice. I just want to know what she wants…I just want some hope."

"You just have to be willing to fight for her Edward. Make up your mind to do that and you won't need hope." I could see that she was decided on the matter, even though she wouldn't let me see the images that had fixed her so resolutely to her decision.

It seemed too simple an idea after all the rejection and pain we'd caused one another, but I was more than willing to fight for her. I'd give my life for her without a second thought. Bella was the only thing that mattered to me in this world. I wanted her happiness above everything else and would gladly give her a million chances if I knew that I was what she desired.

Alice smiled. "There you go brother." She left my room smugly happy that she had helped shape my future and Bella's with her warnings. She wouldn't let me into her head so I could not see any of the visions that were fueling her complacency, converting the local telephone book into binary to keep me out, but I didn't need the visions to help guide me. Besides my love for Bella to drive me, I had faith in Alice's determination.

*****

Never had I detested the sun like I did when it rose the next morning, hanging high in the cloudless sky taunting me. Of all days to keep me indoors. I half-considered sneaking into school just so I could get to Bella, but it was a dangerous risk that I could not allow myself to take. If nothing else I knew that getting caught in the sunlight would not win me Bella's heart. Alice had assured me the sunshine wouldn't last the day before the heavy clouds overran the sun and buried it in storms, but the day seemed endless anyway. Each second felt like an eternity. I didn't even take a moment to feel the relief once the clouds closed in. I just ran to the Volvo and started looking for her. Her truck was not parked in front of her house as I expected. There was only one other place I had ever known her to go, the clearing, so I headed towards the ocean. I was halfway there when I noticed her truck pulled over to the side of the road with steam expelling from underneath the hood. I saw no sign of Bella as I pulled over and got out. I began to wonder if she'd taken off on foot when I heard her.

"Fuck!"

I bit back a laugh at her anger, too relieved that I'd found her to risk aggravating her further. She was there, crouched down in front of her truck with her arms covering her head.

"Bella?" I asked, worried by the posture of her body.

"Ahhhhh! God damn it Edward, you're going to give me a fucking heart attack!"

I smirked. "Sorry. I can't help it if you're extremely unobservant."

She accused me of purposely frightening her, which I denied before I asked her about her truck and offered my help. Bella in her usual fashion refused it, asking only for help with the hood latch. It was then that I noticed the red skin on her right hand. Without thinking I reached out for it to inspect it. I knew she'd burned it on the steam.

"It looks like the steam burned you. Are you okay?" I wanted to suggest we take her to see my father. He would insist on wrapping the hand in sterile gauze to protect the burned skin and I wouldn't be left looking overprotective, not in Bella's eyes anyway.

She pulled her hand back from me. "I'm fine," she insisted, blushing. She was embarrassed to appear weak or vulnerable and I expected her reaction. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing. My father's a doctor. I know burns when I see them." I pulled her hand back to re-examine it. There was no blistering, very little swelling, and the redness didn't appear to be getting any worse. I was sure it had to sting even though she made no mention of it. She reaffirmed her belief that nothing was wrong with her hand and I complied with her request and let it go. I hated to do it. Even holding her hand to check for injury was better than no contact at all.

I popped the hood latch without difficulty and secured the hood with its prop, turning my back on Bella for only a moment. It only took that long for her to put herself in danger, twisting off the radiator cap before allowing the steam to fully dissipate. I pulled her arm back a second too late to prevent the foolish actions that put her at risk for further burns and I blew up at her. Why must she take her fragility for granted? Did she not know it would kill me if she were hurt? She mistook my upset for a lack of confidence in her capabilities and I explained it was nothing of the sort. I only wanted her to be safe. The conversation floated from topic to topic, including my sister's love of cars and our camping trip. Someone at school must have filled Bella in on the generally accepted gossip that explained my family's absence on sunny days, family camping trips. I was pleased she didn't seem to question its validity.

"And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?" she questioned.

I had to lie about the camping. I wouldn't lie about what I was up to. I wanted her to know why I'd come. "No," I admitted quietly. "I was going to the clearing."

"Why?"

"I drove by your house and you weren't there. It's the only other place I knew of to look for you."

"You were looking for me?" She looked very confused as she spoke the words.

"I wanted to talk to you." My answer seemed to make her even more uncomfortable.

"Oh."

"You left so abruptly yesterday," I added quickly, fearing she was pushing me away. I invited her to sit in my car and dry off, knowing she'd resist. I pressed, reminding her I had heat and a working engine to produce and deliver it and she acquiesced. I followed behind her, opening the door for her and offering my hand to help her get in. I knew she wouldn't take it but I left it hanging in the air just in case. It was part of who I was and I wanted to give her the truest version of me that I could. Once I settled in the car I looked over at her and she seemed more relaxed, more at ease, and my spirits were instantly lifted. The conversation that followed kept me running a gamut of emotions, but I continually reminded myself that whether or not she would admit it, she felt something for me. I used her comfort to ask her about something had bothered me about her reaction yesterday.

"Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?" I tried to keep my tone light to mask my violent curiosity about her strange behaviour.

"I don't like it when people touch me," she admitted.

"So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?"

"Yes."

I struggled to understand the difference between me lightly taking her wrist and pulling her towards me versus being pressed up against me kissing me. The kiss was so much more intimate. It would have made more sense to be upset by the more personal contact. "But you let me kiss you?"

"I shouldn't have." She seemed angry with herself, almost embarrassed by her past behaviour.

"Why?"

"No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression or anything." My curiosity flared again at her casual attitude about our kiss. Surely it couldn't be that casual to her.

"And what impression would that be?" I wondered.

"I dunno."

I shifted the topic slightly. "I don't normally behave like this." I wanted her to know that the kiss was not casual to me, that it meant something to me.

"Okay."

"Do you?" She was hiding in plain sight, unwilling to look at my face or meet my eyes and it was killing me. I needed to see her eyes if I had any hope of understanding what she was internalizing.

"I dunno."

I quashed the urge to pull her chin up so she could not hide, trying to respect her newly admitted desire not to be touched. "Is it really that you don't know, or that you don't want to say?"

"I dunno."

I laughed at her obvious attempt at avoiding my questions. "Do you care to figure it out?"

"Not so much."

I could not resist teasing her. She was easy prey. "Not a big thinker?"

"I dunno."

This was the Bella Swan I loved, openly guarded and avoiding what made her uncomfortable. I found it strange that kissing me did not fall under that subject heading. I turned to look at her and continued my teasing. "You do you have a brain, don't you Bella?"

"Yes!" she insisted quickly.

"So you can say something besides 'I dunno.'" I smiled at her expression, trying so hard to be defensive but only achieving vulnerability.

She grinned back at me. "Shut up! You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words."

And I did it, finally working up the courage to ask her out. She refused and I did my best to get her to admit her reluctance in accepting my invitation. I felt as if my love for her was in every word I spoke to her but she showed me how wrong I was. She sat nervously fidgeting her hands and demonstrated that she did not understand my feelings for her at all.

"You don't owe me anything," she said in a soft voice. "I'm not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that."

"Meaningless?" I was horrified at her choice of adjectives. If it had been that to her then I would have accepted that, but I knew she was misunderstanding everything that had ever happened between us, downplaying everything in an effort to hide from me. I could not allow it.

Her answers made no sense to me and I found myself repeating her words back to her in the hopes that she would clarify her thoughts. It wasn't just a kiss and I could not accept her casual dismissal of it. And somewhere in the midst of our words she began repeating my questions back to me and I had to laugh. We were both avoiding speaking our feelings out of a fear of making things more complicated and I could not fault her for it. I asked her every question I could think to ask that would help me understand her impossibly illogical thought process. I was at a loss. There were no more words to hide behind. I had to show her my heart. When she asked me what I wanted from her I told her I wanted some truth, not to make her angry but to let her know that she was not fooling me. I was elated when she agreed to answer one question truthfully.

"Do you like kissing me?" I asked. I was too intense but I was not able to check my intensity. I need her to answer truthfully. She rolled her eyes and I pressed her. "You said you'd give me the truth."

"I thought you'd ask an easy question," she laughed, avoiding my eyes and blushing lightly.

"It seems easy enough to me." It was a yes or no answer. I knew her answer. I just needed her to know that I knew.

"Fine then you answer it," she razzed, trying to make a joke out of the question.

"I know my answer. I want yours." I wanted to yell at her to just admit it so we could get past all the pretense.

"Yes."

"Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?" I asked, confused. I had to be sure.

"Yes I like kissing you." My heart soared and sank in the same moment. I was ecstatic that she admitted she liked kissing me, but if she liked it then why had she refused to kiss me again? Did that mean she did not care for me, that her behaviour really was that heedless and casual?

"But you don't want to kiss me again?" I needed clarification to reconcile one thing with the other.

"It's complicated…me and you…it's just complicated." It was certainly that. I could not deny it. The whole male female dynamic was illogical and confusing, and love only further confounded things.

I threw caution to the wind. I wasn't going to win her heart by alluding to what was in mine. I had to show her. "I like kissing you too. I like _you_ Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn't get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you." I spoke my heart and answered her questions as honestly was as I could within the context of my kind. I did not hide my intensity or back down when she challenged my feelings or allow her to pull back when she refused to believe me, even when she tested me.

"You've never had a woman tell you no before have you?" she charged, irritated.

"That's beside the point." Why should my dating history or lack there of matter to her? She was just avoiding my words by changing the subject.

"Seriously though, have you?"

And then it clicked why my history was important, why it would matter if my problem was not being able to take no for an answer. She was still unwilling to believe her importance to me. I would show her she was wrong. "No, but I've never asked a woman out before."

She dismissed my words. "Ok girl, teenager, whatever."

"No, I mean I've never asked anyone else out…just you," I clarified with a smile. Couldn't she see that she was it for me, my one and only ever.

"Huh?" She crinkled her face up in confusion. "No one?"

"You're the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me," I teased, helpless to resist poking at her endearing confusion. "So change your mind and say yes."

"Okay."

That one word changed my world. I was flying. She was giving me the chance I thought she'd never grant me, to be alone with her and attend to her needs and get to know her further. I even talked her into letting me pick her up the next morning for school to extend my time alone with her, since we couldn't get her truck started. I wanted to walk her to the door when I dropped her off at home but I knew she would object, and I wasn't going to give her any reason to cancel our date for Friday. I made one last attempt at convincing her to have her hand looked at, softly kissing it when she refused, as I knew she would. I hated to let her go but did so reluctantly. I longed to kiss her but didn't even allow myself the luxury of asking. She'd already given me so much today.

I was already anticipating being away from her and picking her up for school the next day. There was so much to think about.

*****

I waited for Charlie to leave before I pulled into the driveway to pick up Bella. I was on way out of the car to call on her when she slammed the front door loudly and started for my car begrudgingly. It was almost humorous how irrational her irritations were, still caught up in not wanting me to take her to school. God forbid that she need anyone. I met her in front of the car.

"Good morning," I greeted her softly, inhaling her sweet scent and trying to become accustomed to it, letting it burn before we climbed into the small space of the front seat where her scent would be so much more concentrated and hard to resist.

"Hey," she answered, again with reluctance and a half smile on her face. She looked tired, like she hadn't slept well and I wondered what had kept her awake, allowing her to pass me so I could open her door for her. Her eyes shot up to me when she recognized the gesture for what it was, and then darted to my outstretched hand and back to my eyes. A tight smile came to her lips and she nodded, scooting into the car without my aid and eyeing my hand sideways once inside. She was obviously not used to being treated with proper courtesy and respect.

"May I ask you a question?" I inquired once settled in the car.

"What?" she wondered.

"Are there any other things I should know about, I mean besides your desire not to be touched?" It was in direct opposition to my desire to touch every bit of her.

"I think you already know what pisses me off," she laughed.

"Let me see," I teased. "Besides no touching, you don't like to be treated like you're stupid, which you're most certainly not. Are there others?"

She laughed nervously. "Those are the two biggest," she edited, but I could tell she was hiding more.

"So there are more," I charged, grinning at her. "But you're not going to share them with me are you?"

"No," she agreed. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." I just couldn't promise to answer.

"Where's your family? Don't you normally drive them?"

"Yes normally, but Emmett drove today. Have you met my brother Emmett?"

"No, I've only met you and Alice."

"Would you like to meet him?" I wondered. I was guessing no.

"Not so much," she admitted with a sly grin. Emmett's enormous physical presence was overwhelming but he was the nicest, most laid back of all in our family. He would like Bella, although I wasn't at all sure I wanted him near her. She didn't just smell good to me.

"He and Rosalie are too wrapped up in one another anyway," I mumbled, hoping to put an end to the subject before she could ask a question I could not answer.

"Did you and Rosalie get my truck finished?" she inquired.

"Yes, Rosalie is replacing the faulty hose over lunch with Emmett's help. I'll be able to drive you back to it after school." She seemed pleased enough at the prospect and I was happy to have made some small contribution to her happiness. "Did you decide where you'd like to go Friday?"

She eyed me sideways, nervous and fidgety. Did that mean she was regretting her decision to go out with me or was she merely reluctant to appear as if she had given our date some thought? "Dinner…maybe…I guess?" Her voice was unsure, questioning, but I decided she had given our date some thought and it improved my already good mood.

"Ok. I know of a very nice restaurant in Port Angeles that we could go to. I've heard the food is excellent." I smiled, knowing it would taste no better than rubbery drivel to me. "It's French…called C'est Si Bon."

"French food?" Her face twisted in discomfort.

"Food prepared in a French way, but all foods you'd recognize, I'm quite sure." I realized I sounded despotic and tried to appeal to her concerns. "It's quiet and private. I thought the atmosphere might be more to your liking, but if you'd rather I'm sure we could look into the menu for you, or find some other place to go."

"No, it sounds alright. As long as you think the food won't be too fucking out there." She smiled at me and it lit up my insides.

"No, not too out there," I laughed.

"So I'll meet you there at seven?" she questioned as I pulled into the lot at school. Her words threw me. I was not expecting them.

"I thought I would pick you up," I admitted softly, trying not to let my disappointment mire my tone.

"Nooo," she insisted emphatically. "I don't need you to drive me. I can drive myself."

"Isn't it customary for the boy to pick up the girl?" I knew very well it was. Of course Bella wouldn't want to do things the way everyone else did. I shouldn't have been surprised and in truth I suppose I wasn't. I was disappointed. I wanted to lengthen my time alone with her, not shorten it, which is why I picked a restaurant out of town, an hour's drive there and another back, so I would have more time alone with Bella. She snorted at me.

"So?"

"Are you sure you'd rather drive yourself. I'd be perfectly happy to drive you…in fact I'd prefer it."

"I'm sure you would," she declared sarcastically, rolling her eyes at me. "Edward I drive myself everywhere. I can find my way to Port Angeles."

"I'd rather stay closer to town if you're going to drive yourself, say the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant perhaps?"

"Whatever!" she spat, her voice seeping with disgust.

"Bella your truck has had problems recently. What if my sister didn't catch everything? I wouldn't want you stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the darkness. I'm not being unreasonable," I insisted earnestly.

"I suppose…is that the place on the water?"

"Yes." It was a beautiful setting overlooking the Pacific with a romantic gazebo out back behind the attached hotel.

"That place looks…pretty. I'd like to go there," she agreed softly. "But I will drive myself." Always stubborn.

She opened the door and got out before I could make it around to open her door for her. I was going to ask her if I could walk her to class when she spoke first. "I guess I'll see you in Bio." She was standing in front of my car looking rather awkward and uncomfortable. Her eyes shifted quickly as she took in everything going on around her, who was looking at her, who might have noticed me dropping her off, who might be watching her speak to me. Did she want to get away from me as much as her body language indicated?

"Or before," I suggested softly.

She tried to smile but in her discomfort it came out more like a grimace. She was not used to people staring at her like I was. I felt badly for her, her malaise leached from every cell of her body. I watched her walk towards her first class. I would definitely see her sooner than biology, even if she didn't see me.

I changed my patterns between classes to reflect Bella's paths. I was still worried about pushing too far too fast, struggling with my need to prove my feelings to her, my love, my loyalty and my trustworthiness, while knowing she would need space and time to accept it all. Part of me felt like a stalker, driven to following her around by my desperate desire to know that she was okay since I couldn't simply read her mind for myself. Part of me felt like her guardian, motivated by my love to make sure she was safe and happy by assuring that no one was bothering her or giving her a hard time. And part of me felt sick, possessive and overbearing, forcing myself into her life in ways that she perhaps did not want, struggling with trying to give her what she wanted when her words rarely spoke the truth of her thoughts. In essence I was giving her what I thought she would want and waiting to see if she told me that I was wrong. For whatever reason it was easier for her to tell me things from a negative perspective, as if she understood better what she did not want rather than what she did. She still wore a look of detached blankness on her face most of the time, a look I had come to expect but was no more happy about than I was the first time I'd recognized it for what it was. My only solace was that when she was with me, that mask would sometimes slip. I doubted I would ever be able to completely remove the mask but I still wanted to try.

I was already impatient to speak to Bella. Between first and second periods I fought the urge to follow her and offer to walk her to class. By the time second period finished I was choleric, and I knew I needed to speak to her. I headed outside, following her through a classmate's eyes to find her. She was across the quad by the time I reached the common area, and I was swimming in déjà vu. It was Alice's vision, come to life, and as I watched the loose curls of Bella's long hair sweep her back as she moved away from me, my only thought was to stroke those silky curls. My feet sped towards her, and I came up behind her silently, knowing it would irritate her a little to not hear me coming but needing that irritation to screen the contact I desired. I leaned into her from behind her and whispered close to her ear.

"Hello Bella."

To my great pleasure she shuddered a little, closing her eyes for a second and halting her actions before turning towards me. My arm curled around the back of her as she turned, a very human gesture I'd seen thousands of times, and her hair swung toward towards my outstretched hand, flouncing along my palm and wrist. My fingers stretched towards the curls instinctively, lightly skimming the soft glossy strands and allowing them to dance across my skin before they shifted back to Bella's body. Relief.

Her eyes were intense when they locked on mine. She said nothing, but her expression softened as she stared back at me. She stepped away from me wordlessly, looking back over her shoulder once more before disappearing behind another building. I sighed happily. The tiny touch gave me enough to hold on to and smugly set me apart from others who desired Bella. She hadn't gotten angry with me. She hadn't pushed me away. She'd allowed me to touch her, albeit modestly and unbeknownst to her, but it was contact, and a much more intimate contact than she would allow anyone else. It was more than I deserved and less than I desired, but it was enough, for now.

I don't think I listened to a thing my teacher said in third period. My only choice of a mind to use to watch Bella had been Mike Newton's so the entire period was spent listening to his putrid and trite thoughts as he watched Bella in class. He clearly desired her company but there was no strength of feeling from him, just a vague inclination and pompous conceit that he was the best looking male in his class. His fascination worked from the assumption that there was no other boy she could want. How little he knew of her mind. His little fantasies had gone far beyond annoying by the end of class as he was working up the courage to ask her out. As much as I wanted remove myself from his mind I had to know if Bella wanted him. My own observations where that she did not like the boy at all, but it couldn't hurt to see her reject him directly. I wouldn't get my chance though because Mike chickened out. At the last second Bella stepped in front of him and cut him off in one swift move, not just in movement but in speech and thought as well. I only wish I could have seen her face before it was blocked by her movements because I was betting the move was intentional on her part. Impressively astute maneuver really.

It bothered me immensely that there were other boys who considered themselves worthy of Bella's affection. The idea that Bella would prefer me to other boys made me rather complacent if I were being honest, although in my current state of mind it was preferential to the idea of competition. These simple minded seventeen year old boys couldn't possibly see through Bella's rough exterior into her true self the way I could, and that meant she was only a physical conquest to them. They knew nothing of the strength and complexity of true love. If Bella were the sort of girl to speak her mind or heart then feeling confident in her feelings for me and me alone would be easy. She was not that sort of girl however. While I was resolute to remain steadfast in my pursuit of her I couldn't pretend that I wasn't fearful of her hidden desires. All things considered equal, it would be easier to know if I truly had competition for her heart. A plan began to form in my mind, taking further shape as the period wore on, and it might just help me disinter her feelings for my competition, or lack there of.

I waited across from the door of her classroom, leaning languidly against the wall, trying to appear confidently causal and sure of myself when I was anything but. It was only the illusion that would matter today. Most of the students left in a flourish while Bella followed behind the crowd dragging her feet, seemingly lost in thought. I cleared my throat discreetly, trying to keep my grin subdued when she looked up at me surprised and slipped, letting her smile betray her for a moment before smoothing out her expression.

"Hello Edward," she greeted me coolly. "Out trolling the halls for the catch of the day?"

"Seafood analogies?" I teased. "Really Bella, even you can do better than that…unless you're saying…do you have a thing for fish Bella?"

"Huh?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head and began to walk away from me.

I stayed put, again trying to appear relaxed and confident, testing her again. "I came for you Bella. I thought we could eat lunch together today." She stopped dead in her tracks but did not turn around. It was a half success – enough to get her to stop but not enough to get her to come back to me.

"You want to eat lunch with me?" she asked, surprised again. "Wouldn't that make you a fish out of water?" The giggle that followed was like music to my ears.

"I suppose one could say that, yes. So what do you say to lunch? Would you rather fish or cut bait?" She snorted at my silly use of the idiom. "Perhaps you have other fish to fry?"

"Enough with the fish sayings Cullen," she groaned, covering her ears as if my silly jokes were painful to her. Her light-heartedness made me so joyful I couldn't stop myself.

"Neither fish nor fowl…fish in troubled waters…drink like a fish?" I could barely keep myself from bursting into laughter as I relayed every fish related idiom I could think of. She swatted me playfully and I grinned wider.

"Sure I'll eat lunch with you. Just imagine the gossip we'll create," she offered sarcastically.

"Does the staring bother you?" I wondered.

"Most of the time…no…but once in a while I'd like to crack a few heads, sure." I had no doubt she'd do just that if pushed far enough.

"You get used to it after a while…you just stop noticing," I offered offhandedly. "At least that's how it was for me. Hanging around with me is probably going to make the staring worse for a while." I wasn't at all sure I wanted to admit that out loud to her, knowing she didn't like attention.

"That will be the fucking day that I let anybody tell me who I can hang out with. Fuck them!" I found myself smiling at her reaction, so backwards to what I expected. So Bella. I thought my words might make her rethink her choice to sit with me and instead they seemed to make her more determined.

"Well we can eat outside if you like, or in my car if you'd prefer." I wanted her to know that she didn't have to face down the whole cafeteria crowd for my benefit.

"It's fine, honestly." Her deep brown eyes pierced mine with their soothing gaze. Somehow she was comforting me rather than the other way around.

I found us a table off to one side while Bella bought her food. I could hear my siblings voicing their incomplete opinions on my behaviour. Only Alice seemed pleasantly surprised. I hadn't thought about their disapproval, but I pushed their voices out of my head. I would not let them ruin my first lunch with Bella.

"Don't you eat?" she wondered, dropping her tray on to the table.

"I had a big breakfast," I lied, hating to do so.

"Won't you be fucking starving by the end of the day?"

"Not really. I usually run after school. It's hard to have endurance if you're stuffed full of pizza," I joked lightly, since I had no point of reference.

"Oh I see," she nodded, turning her attention to her tray.

"How was your morning?"

"Alright. Yours?"

"Tedious."

"Ahhh," she acknowledged with a nod, opening her can of pop with a sharp snap. I slipped, smiling at Mike's mental hissy fit and Bella caught me. "What are you smiling about?"

"May I ask you something?" I inquired, emboldened by her acceptance of my lunch invitation and my obvious advantage over Mike's with respect to her attention and preference. She nodded and waited for me to continue. "It's really none of my business," I admitted quietly although inwardly I felt differently, "but Mike is shooting daggers at me from your regular lunch table. Is he…I've heard him speak of you and he obviously likes you…are you…" I trailed off hoping she would see where my question was leading.

"Absolutely not!" she declared emphatically, shooting a glare over her shoulder in his general direction. "He's such a fucking tool. I have done everything but tell him to fuck off and he still won't get a clue. Why? What did he say?"

I smiled at her unequivocal corroboration of her lack of feelings for him. "Just that he wants to ask you out…that he likes you." It wasn't a lie, even if he'd only thought it. Either way I'd still heard him.

"Let him come for me. I'll set the motherfucker straight."

"Really?" I smirked, unable to help myself as I waved him over with a flick of my index finger. Mike accepted my invitation with a glare, getting up and coming over to our table.

"What the hell do you want Cullen?" he snapped balefully, clearly irritated by my association with Bella. His eyes shot between Bella and me and his mind flooded with repine that I was with the girl whom he considered to be his. This was going to be way too easy to enjoy.

"Just helping a guy out," I stated satirically. Of course I was referring to myself, but neither Bella nor Mike knew that, and it only made the situation all the more pleasurable for me. He glared angrily at me and I bit back a laugh. "Word is that you were planning on asking Bella out."

"Who told you that?" he demanded, sneaking a sideways glance at Bella trying to decide if she was open to the idea while trying to keep from becoming even more embarrassed. Bella sat with her arms crossed over her chest, her chin jutted out defensively. She was not at all happy with his behaviour.

"Really Mike, this is a valuable opportunity. I'm giving you privacy to speak with her. Well, relative privacy," I chuckled, "but certainly more than you'd have at your regular table or say…history class." The colour completely drained from his face at my words. I didn't feel as if I'd given anything away since I wasn't even in that class with him, more that I'd made it look like there was someone he couldn't trust in that particular class.

"You're a prick, you know that Cullen?" He was wondering about fighting me, thinking of logistics, the when, the where, the best way to attack me, smugly sure that it would make him look more appealing to Bella. I highly doubted that.

I nodded. "I've been told that…by Bella in fact." I chuckled again, unable and unwilling to wipe the smirk from my face.

"Yep," Bella concurred with a laugh. "I've called Edward a prick a number of times, but… um…what's this about wanting to ask me out?" she pressed. My body shifted towards hers infinitesimally, readying to protect her if she needed my help, which I knew she would not.

Mike turned his back to me, trying to make it look like he wanted privacy. What he really wanted was to block Bella from looking at me and I covered my mouth to muffle my laugh at his mental irritation.

"Well I didn't want it to be like this…I feel kind of pressured," he mumbled, shooting a pointed glance over his shoulder.

"Bella, would you feel more comfortable if I stepped away so you and Mike could have some privacy?" I would be able to hear every word spoken and every thought Mike had, as well as gauge Bella's reaction from Mike's vantage point. My lack of proximity would not prevent me from monitoring the entire conversation.

"Thanks Edward, but there isn't anything that Mike could say that he couldn't say in front of you." I smiled smugly, too pleased to even listen to Mike's horror.

"No, it's fine. I…I," Mike stammered, trying to appear collected. His mind was a wreck. "I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?"

"Why Mike?" Bella pressed.

"Well if you're free I thought maybe we could do something…together."

"As it happens Mike, I actually do have plans on Friday but let's just be straight with each other. I'm not interested in you. At all. And that's being polite. You seriously don't want to hear what I'd actually like to say to you on the subject of the two of us dating. Suffice it to say that there would be enough fucks and sundry superlative slang that your ears would burn for a week."

"Why Bella?" Mike complained. "Is there someone else in the picture?" His mind centered on me and I was happy that he saw me as competition. I would be more than a fearsome competitor. I wouldn't rest until I was the victor. He couldn't fathom a reason to explain why she wouldn't like him and was still resisting the idea that she did not care for him at all. He really was a tool, just like Bella had said.

"That's none of your business Mike, and completely fucking irrelevant to the conversation. You asked me out. I'm saying no. I'm saying I'm not the least bit interested in you in any imaginable way. There is no chance. Zero. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Are you hearing me Mike?" There was a hint of petulance in her voice, I was guessing because she knew that even though she spoke in plain English and left no room for doubt that Mike would not accept her words at face value. She was exactly correct. The irrational boy was still assuming Bella was playing hard to get.

"Maybe we could talk about it some other time…when there is more privacy," he mumbled, shifting his weight to his other foot.

"There will never be enough privacy to make me say yes Mike. Never."

"Ok," he said resignedly. "Some other time then." He walked away pondering how he would change her mind. Her words truly meant nothing to him. I liked the idea of shoving our date in his face to get him to see reality. If nothing else it might get him to see that she was capable of saying yes and provide me an opportunity to be smug with him as retribution for his eavesdropping in biology class, not to mention the fact that I longed to knock him down a peg, or twenty.

"Wow," Bella huffed, rolling her eyes and blushing lightly.

"I think you're too kind," I noted thoughtfully.

"Too kind?" she asked, confused by my choice of words.

"Tool is a compliment compared to what he actually is. I'm sorry that he doesn't get it. I admit that I thought you might be exaggerating when you said you'd told him that you didn't like him in every way you could think of but you really have. He just refuses to acknowledge your words."

She laughed, a melodious giggle that filled my ears with happiness. "Thank you for that. It was rather enjoyable."

"My pleasure," I admitted, and it was. I now knew without a doubt that Bella had no feelings for him. Now if only getting her to admit her feelings for me were that easy.

* * *

**A/N**: I know that was sort of a craptastic place to cut the chapter but Edward was just going to go on talking so I had to cut him off somewhere. Forgive Edward and show him you still love him by leaving some love by way of a review. He loves reviews. He told me so!


	19. Surrender

**A/N:** Obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer's ownership: Twilight és annak minden karakter tulajdonában van, Stephenie Meyer ... Word. And yes, I am amusing myself.

So yes okay, this chapter is exceedingly long, crazy long, stupid long, epicly long…I could go on with my silly descriptions if you like? I probably should have cut it long ago, or split it into two chapters but alas, I didn't. I wanted the end from Bella's POV and just kept on writing until I got to that part that I wanted in her POV and then stopped. And I'm sort of laughing at myself because I don't know what happened to my chapters. I started off between 3 and 5 thousand words and this one is like 13 k. So I hope you'll forgive my verbosity, or enjoy the shit out of it, or both. That would be good. Very good in fact. It would make this author a happy camper.

3 updates in 3 days. WOOT!

Mad love to everyone who has left reviews. The wonderful thing about a lot of chapter updates is the number of reviews I get in my inbox. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

**From Bella's POV**...

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I was a mess waiting for Edward to pick me up that morning. I'd never felt so obvious in my life. I wished I'd stuck to my guns and insisted on walking to school. I was not a morning person at all and I felt the compulsion to be on my toes and just fucking wasn't. He would easily be able to trip me up this morning if he tried in even the slightest way. I walked out the door, slamming it behind me, and wished more than anything to just not fuck up. He was walking towards me, looking as gorgeous as ever, almost glowing with confidence and I suddenly felt dim and unworthy to be beside him. And even though I'd spent half of my time over the last twelve hours trying to force myself to let go of the childish fantasies of Edward and I as a 'we,' I was still swimming in them. I reminded myself that he didn't like me, but doubted the words as they left my lips. I reminded myself that he was just being polite, but rationalized his politeness into an interest in me within seconds. I was a lost cause. I resolved to just get in the car and say nothing. It was the only way I had a fucking chance at saving face.

"Good morning," he greeted me in his perfectly velvety voice.

"Hey." I half smiled, more out of my need to not speak than happiness. He was studying my face and I wondered why. Could he see how stuck I was on him? My eyes fell to the ground and I moved to get into the car, feeling awkward and wanting to escape the evident discomfort, only to notice that he was holding the door open for me, and not just holding the door, but offering me his hand to help me get in. I wanted very badly to take his hand but I couldn't allow myself the luxury. I was so absolutely affected by him that I was sure I'd moan or whimper when he removed my hand from his and he would know what a pathetic obsessed freak I truly was. I wanted to keep that my secret for as long as I could manage. I tried to smile a thank you at him but I'm sure I looked incredibly stupid. I was extremely thankful that Edward didn't seem to notice.

He set out making the small talk, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the pressure of creating conversation. He teased me right off but not in an annoying way. In fact it seemed like he was trying to find out more about me in a very upfront yet casual way, questioning me about things that bothered me. It was sweet, because really I needed another thing to find attractive and perfect about him. I was inwardly disgusted with myself, but not enough to stop thinking about his sweetness, and how I wanted more of it.

I asked him about my truck and he told me that Blondie and Man-boy were going to finish it at lunch. I was happy it wasn't anything serious but looked forward to Edward driving me to get it, if for no other reason that to spend more time with him. I figured if I was going to be a stupid motherfucker I may as well enjoy it to the fullest while it lasted.

We decided where we'd go on our date. He offered to drive me but I couldn't accept. I needed to have an escape plan in place if I required it. I couldn't depend on his assistance in case the date was a horrendous flop. I couldn't tell him that of course so I made it seem like I was an independent bitch. I used to be one. I wondered what he'd think if he knew how fucking badly I wanted him to drive me. The thought unnerved me so I made a quick exit, telling him I'd see him in biology. I allowed myself one last look over my shoulder and when I realized he was still watching me I may very well have squealed. I glared angrily at every last person who shot me a look. Let me have my squealing people. That's all I was asking for.

I wasn't used to seeing Edward between classes so he was able to sneak up behind me in his usual fashion and scare the shit out of me, except in this case it wasn't scaring as much as it was turning me on to the point of sexual fucking frenzy. He leaned in from behind me and whispered his hello in just the right way to make me shudder. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed he didn't notice me trembling and then swung around to face him. I was still of the mindset that if I was being stupid that I should enjoy his attention. And it may have been my imagination but I would swear that he ran his fingers through my hair. I don't think I was meant to notice but how could I not? Whenever his body connected with mine electricity shot through me and that was pretty fucking impossible to miss, so even though I shouldn't have been able to feel his hands in my hair, I could still sense his body connecting with mine some how. Or maybe I was imagining it, but I didn't care. I liked the idea that he would stroke my hair like that, like my mom used to. She was the only other person who had ever shown me that loving gesture and I revelled in it in my head. I couldn't even bring myself to feel stupid about it. I just stared back at him with a knowing glance. In a strange and surreal way it was all becoming real; the looks, the touches, they were coming to mean something to me. I wanted them to mean something. I wanted Edward to mean something.

Mike was coming for me at the end of history so I shut him out, rushing to the quad to see if I could catch a glimpse of Edward but there was no sign of him. I was already anticipating lunch, hoping to find Alice and see if I could pull any information from her. She might let something slip accidentally, or I hoped she would. To my great pleasure I didn't have to find Alice because Edward was waiting for me outside my classroom after fourth period. I smiled at him and then realized I was making a pretty big fucking assumption that he was waiting for me and wiped the smile from my face. I tried to disguise my slip up with a joke and made a hasty exit trying to save face but he called after me, asking me to lunch. I about peed my pants. Edward Cullen wanted to have lunch with me? He was cracking jokes and trying to make me laugh and the stupid motherfucker in me was gloating smugly. It was starting to become really friggen difficult to believe that Edward didn't like me. I don't know how or when it changed, but somehow it just might have.

We headed to the cafeteria. Edward must have noticed my discomfort with the curious losers who were staring at us. He offered to eat outside with me or in his car but I was pretty damn sure that the close quarters of his front seat for an entire hour would be more than I could fucking handle. I was enjoying his attention but I was fucking stupid. Too much privacy for us was not a good thing in terms of remaining on my best behaviour, namely not throwing myself at him.

I wondered why Edward didn't get anything to eat but he told me he'd had a large breakfast and didn't like to fill up before his run after school. It made sense, except that today he wouldn't be running. He was driving me to my truck. I thought of calling him on it but realized I didn't give a shit. If I pushed for too many answers my obsession would be clear and that was the last thing I wanted.

I was enjoying not having to hide my stares sitting across from him. We were eating lunch together and it felt natural to look up at him as often as I wanted, which was pretty fucking often for me. That's why I noticed when a wide smile broke across his face even though we weren't speaking. I couldn't help my curiosity. Apparently Mike was making an ass of himself, glaring at Edward and Edward found it amusing. Hell, I'd find it amusing too if I wasn't the object of Mike's fixation. Edward was very careful with how he worded the question but it seemed like he wanted to know if I was interested in Mike. It was only more evidence that I might mean something to him, or it was me wishing it meant that. Either way I wanted Edward to know I was not the least bit interested in the idiotic fucktard.

Edward seemed pleasantly surprised by my lack of feelings for Mike, calling Mike over to our table and proceeding to call him on his fascination with me. I enjoyed every word of their exchange and Edward's smug happiness with the whole situation. If it made him happy to know that he was the only guy I was interested in then more fucking power to him. It wasn't my fault that Mike couldn't take a hint and let go of the idea of the two of us together. For what felt like the millionth time I told Mike I wasn't interested and for the millionth time he seemed to ignore every word I said. Even Edward noticed and we laughed about it together.

Again with the motherfucking staring on the way to class. Edward was right when he said people were going to be staring at us a lot. I tried to refocus my attention on Edward instead of the gawkers. It was really friggen easy to get used to Edward's lightness and easiness. He was everything I wasn't, confident and assured and generally pleasant and easy going with me that day. His hand hung casually at his side as we walked and a tiny part of me longed to pick it up and hold it. It seemed like such a natural thing, and I suppose that's why I fought doing it. Edward and I weren't natural. For as far as my brain had advanced things between us in my mind, and for as easy as it was to believe in the possibility that he cared, it was just as easy to remember that we were fleeting and destined to fuck each other over, him because he could have whatever he wanted and it would only be a matter of time before he wanted something other than me, and me because that was what I did, I fucked things up, excelled at it even. Staying in the fucking moment was of utmost importance to me if I had any chance at enjoying Edward's attention.

He leaned down to whisper in my ear as we stepped through the door of the classroom. "Are you okay?" he murmured. I looked over at him and his face was suddenly serious.

"Yeah, why?"

He leaned back down to me again. "Because you look so unhappy," he murmured sadly. I blushed, wishing my face weren't so easy to read or at least not that easy for him.

"Just the stupid gawkers," I lied. I wondered if it would change his mind about us if he knew how badly I would fuck things up between us.

"I won't let them hurt you," he assured me with a smile and an uncharacteristically intense gaze. He didn't usually look at me like that in front of other people, only when he was about to kiss me. It's not as if he would kiss me in the middle of the classroom but my body sure wanted him to. In many ways it was easier to ignore my feelings for him when he and I were pure attraction. The feelings made everything so much more complicated. I mean I was letting myself believe he cared about me and that was ten kinds of complicated right there. I forced a smile to my lips, not knowing how to answer him, and took my seat.

Class started and instead of listening to Mr. Banner, I was trying to figure out if Edward was sitting closer to me or if it was my imagination. I could feel his strange electricity more strongly today and it made it fucking impossible to concentrate. I could hear myself trying to explain my failing grade to Charlie. 'Honest Charlie, the dude I sit next to is fucking gorgeous and sends out random electrical jolts that make it impossible for me to concentrate on anything beside the wetness between my legs and how much I want him to push me up against a wall again.' Yeah, I'm sure Charlie wouldn't be upset if I failed with that as my excuse.

Edward kept looking at me and it was making ignoring him virtually impossible. I put my pen down when Mr. Banner stopped to take a question and dropped my hands to my lap, rubbing them up and down my thighs trying to distract myself from all of the fucking weirdness I was feeling. This love thing was intense. Edward leaned into me and I braced myself for his breath against my ear. Instead he reached for my hands and covered them with his. His fingers overlapped my hands and rested lightly on my thigh. I swear sparks flew at the contact and I whimpered before I could control myself, forcing a cough out to try and disguise it. His hand squeezed mine lightly and he smiled, not seeming to notice my bizarre reaction to his completely nonsexual touch that my mind made erotic. He was only trying to soothe me and I smiled back him when I thought about what he could do to my body if he intended his touch in a sexual way. I would melt, or spontaneously combust or go catatonic or all three.

Class was over way too fucking fast. I knew I'd see Edward after school but considering my hatred off all things gym I would rather skip over the crap and go right to the good stuff.

"Can I walk you to class?" he murmured, his voice deep and quiet against my ear.

"Sure," I gulped, wishing his tongue would suddenly dart out and lick behind my ear and down my neck for as long as he wished or forever, whichever came last. His arm curled around my body as he offered the aisle way to me first. As I moved in front of him his hand pressed lightly against the small of my back and I moaned quietly. It was lost in the white noise of the room thank God, but holy shit did his hand feel good on my back. I instantly began to wonder what it would feel like with no fabric in between and the suggestion made me shudder.

"Are you cold?" he asked, bending towards my ear again and making my mind explode. I wasn't sure he even knew what he was doing to me but I blushed anyway because I knew.

"No," I admitted quietly, turning to look up at him. I hoped my eyes would say what I couldn't put words to, how badly I wanted him, how fucking glorious his touch was on my body, how I wished he would kiss me. His smile fell slowly from his lips and his eyes took on an unprecedented intensity that I would guess matched my own. Either way I was pretty sure that he understood what I was trying to convey.

He walked beside me all the way to the gym and we exchanged another intense knowing glance to say goodbye. All I could think about was getting to the end of the next hour to get back to him. Maybe by then I'd be able to put words to my thoughts, or lips to it, which was definitely my preference.

"I'll meet you back here after school? Or would you prefer to meet me at my car?"

"Here's fine, I guess," I mumbled, considering my options.

"I'm not sure how public you would like to be?" he whispered. It wasn't something I'd even thought about. I was still trying to get used to the idea that an 'us' might actually have the possibility of existing.

"Right…I…ummm…" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or insult him in any way by saying I'd rather keep things between the two of us.

"It's okay Bella," he soothed me with his velvety voice. "_This_ is private. I have no problem being discreet about it."

I smiled up at him, amazed that he was so understanding about my hang ups and pleased that he saw the two of us as a private thing and awed that he was not only concerned about my feelings but seemed to have a very good understanding of what made me tick. That had to say something in regard to his intentions about me, didn't it? "I'll wait right here. See you in an hour."

"In an hour," he echoed. I watched him leave and he didn't disappoint me, glancing back at me twice with that same intense look. At least I wasn't the only one drowning in our connection. It felt scary and amazing and totally overwhelming but in a good way, in an exciting way, in a vehement way. The newness of it only increased the intensity and I wondered if he would feel the same way after the newness had worn off. Would I just be another face in the crowd then, or would I move on past new to favoured or maybe even loved? And then I mentally slapped myself. I don't know why I was fucking pushing into the future like that. I reminded myself to stay in the moment and enjoy the ride. I would wreck it all with my anticipating and expectations if I let myself have half a chance to do it. In the moment, it had to be in the moment.

My hair was damp with sweat when I finished gym and I landed up pulling it into a ponytail to get it off my neck. It took me extra time to get it just right and Edward was already waiting for me by the time I finished. That sexy crooked grin of his absolutely lit up his face as he held out my key ring for me. "Your chariot Madame."

"Hi," I smiled. "Thanks."

"You're very welcome. I like your hair like that…I've never seen it pulled back before. It's very pretty."

"Uh…thanks," I mumbled, shuffling my feet to disguise my discomfort. It wasn't working so I changed the subject. "Was Blondie pissed off that you asked for her help?"

"Rosalie? No, not at all. She enjoyed looking under the hood I think."

"Why?"

"That engine is like an antique; so simple compared to the sophisticated engines in today's sports cars. If anyone can appreciate its simplicity, it's Rosalie."

"I don't really care if she fucking appreciated it, only that she fixed it."

"She did," he assured me. "She said the engine must have been rebuilt and that it was in very good condition, something about being built like a tank," he laughed.

"Don't pick on my truck," I warned him playfully.

"Sorry," he grinned. "I suppose if it keeps you safe then I should keep my mouth shut."

"It does," I persuaded. "Not that it matters if it doesn't because it's only piece of crap I can afford."

"Well I'm glad that it keeps you safe then. I would hate to think of you being unsafe." His voice was a little too intense and I wondered if he meant to say exactly what he'd said.

"You would worry?"

"I already do."

I waited for him to open my door before I spoke. That seemed to make him happy, to be able to do that for me. Once inside, I folded my hands in my lap and waited for him to get in. "I do too," I confessed, still staring at my hands. It was harder to admit than I thought it would be, but from the corner of my eye I saw him smile and that made me happy that I took the risk. He shifted the car into drive and headed west.

I watched his shifting hand silently for a bit, noticing the way it rested laxly on the gearshift and how his fingers dangled in the air. I could see him looking at me now and again, probably wondering what the hell I was watching. He shifted his hand from the gearshift to the armrest once he was on the highway. It brushed lightly against my hand and I felt the spark of contact again. I had the same urge I had earlier, to pick up his hand and hold it, but it felt too obvious. He noticed me watching his hand again.

"I know I keep asking you this but is everything okay?" he asked softly. Even if I weren't okay just hearing his voice would make me that way.

"Fine."

"You're so quiet," he noted. "Maybe it would be better to ask you what you're thinking?"

I blushed instantly, not wanting to admit what I had been thinking about. "No, that wouldn't be better," I mumbled.

He obviously noticed my blushing and laughed lightly. "I think it might be the exact right question. Please tell me."

"I can't. It's so fucking obvious."

"I don't mind obvious," he assured me thoughtfully. I just shook my head repeatedly, trying to convey my absolute fucking aversion to answering his question. His brow furrowed and his lips pouted out slightly. It was so fucking cute I couldn't hold my smile back. It didn't go unnoticed. "What are you smiling about?"

"Your pout. It's so damn adorable."

He rolled his eyes at me. "You won't answer my question and you laugh at my frustration. That's not very nice," he scolded me playfully.

He was right though, and I would have hated it if he did the same thing to me. I may not be comfortable talking about the thoughts in my head but I could show him what I was thinking. It wouldn't hurt me to be obvious, and I wanted to be fair to him, to give him something, even something small. I let my hand slide along the leather armrest towards his hand and then under it, pushing my hand into his and fanning out my fingers along his palm. His skin was cool and smooth and the electricity sparkled between our palms in tingly, energetic sensations. I purposely looked up at him before I spoke. "That…that is what I was thinking about."

His fingers curled around mine and squeezed my fingers lightly. His smile was joyous and for the second time that day I was glad I took the risk for him. It felt really good to make him happy. "I think I will amend my question. Instead of asking you what you're thinking, from now on I will ask you if you will do what you're thinking."

I snorted. "Believe me Edward. You don't want to know what I'm thinking and you want even less for me to act on my thoughts. You know I can be a totally stupid motherfucker, don't you?"

He eyed me dubiously. "I highly doubt that Bella. You are not a stupid woman."

"I didn't say I was stupid but I'm exceptionally capable of doing stupid things."

"We all are," he noted with a tight smile. I wondered what he was thinking of that made his expression change so dramatically. Maybe it was simply that he thought what we were doing was stupid. I slipped my hand out of his and back into my lap, fearing that it was my assumptions that had changed his mood. Just because I was madly in love with him didn't give me the right to push myself into his life and just because he was happy that I had shared my thoughts in an abstract way didn't mean that he wanted to give me his affection.

A moment later he leaned towards me and snatched my hand back up with an intentionally obvious move. "I wasn't finished with that yet," he said with a smile, pulling my hand back to the armrest and settling our arms in beside one another like they belonged that way. I didn't know how to take his gesture, too lost in my own feelings to respond with much of anything. "This is harder than I thought it would be," he murmured.

"For me too," I whispered sadly. I didn't want it to be hard. I wanted it to be happy and easy and completely unlike what life had come to mean to me. "I'm gonna fuck this up."

"This?" he questioned softly, pulling his car in behind my truck and turning the engine off. He seemed reluctant to finish his thought. "So does that mean…are you…does that mean that you're willing to admit that there is something between us." His voice was so quiet I barely heard the words. His tone, which was sad and hesitant, was much more clear.

"Why would you think I wouldn't admit it?" I wondered softly.

"Last time I suggested a relationship…albeit at the time it was friendship, you were very… against the idea. It was… difficult for me… and it left me feeling a little apprehensive when it comes to asking about the state of you and me."

"Oh," I mumbled, remembering the exact conversation he was referring to. It was the day I realized I was in love with him. "I remember."

"Don't get me wrong Bella. We don't have to define us in any way per se. I don't really care as long as my intentions are known…and yours."

"My intentions?"

"Yes, your intentions…what you want from me."

I swallowed the lump in my throat that felt like it was choking me. "What I want from you?"

"I just need to know that you care for me…as I care for you…" His voice sounded strained and uncomfortable and I didn't know what that meant so I decided to answer the only way I felt capable of.

"I don't know much about relationships, or expectations, or intentions…and I don't wanna fuck this up Edward. I do know there is definitely something between us. Is that enough for you? Is it okay that it's all I can give right now? I don't know exactly what we are to each other and the idea of laying it all out on the table is really fucking scary to me."

"What are you afraid of?" he whispered.

"I'm pretty fucking inexperienced when it comes to relationships in general Edward. And the thing is, I fuck things up. I don't mean to, but I just do. There's a reason I don't make friends. People don't want to stick around. Everybody fucking leaves. And one day you'll leave too."

"You can't know that," he disagreed quietly.

"I not only know it Edward, I live it." Our joined hands were screaming at me. They didn't look right to me, tangled together, and I pulled my hand from his and put it back in my lap.

"I won't leave," he whispered.

My anger shut my ears down. "Don't make promises you can't keep. Just fucking don't."

"I'm not," he insisted, a touch of bitterness colouring his tone.

"Whatever," I spat, unable to control my resentment. He couldn't promise that. No one could.

He was offended, and his volume and tone reflected it. "Don't pretend to understand what I am and am not capable of Bella. You don't know my heart."

"And you don't know mine," I snapped defensively. All the joy and easiness of our day had completely evaporated. We had slipped into our collective comfort zone of anger and irritation, and reality was like a slap in the face. My cheeks were flushed and stinging and I knew I had to get out of there. I was at my breaking point. "Thank you for your help with my truck. And please tell Rosalie that I said thank you. I'd do it myself if I knew her at all. I'll see you at school." I didn't wait for him to answer me. I just opened the car door and launched myself out of the seat in a single movement.

"Bella, wait," he called, but what was the fucking point? I didn't want to stick around long enough for it to come to angry insults and accusations that could never be taken back. I unlocked the truck and started to climb in, but his arms stopped me, encircling my waist and gently pulling me back out, turning me to face him before putting me down. "Don't walk away," he demanded in a less than compelling tone.

"I'm not," I disagreed, turning to get back into the truck. His hands came to my shoulders and held me still.

"Please Bella." His voice was no longer angry. All I heard was sadness and it made me even angrier with myself for hurting him. He didn't deserve this. He deserved more than a broken hollow loser like me.

I shook my head. "Why Edward? It always fucking comes back to this. We don't get along no matter how we feel."

"We're just trying to find our way Bella," he soothed, rubbing my shoulders softly with his thumbs.

"It's not you Edward. It's me. Please just let me go before I wreck everything."

"You can't wreck anything." I wanted to scream at him to stop being so perfect, and slap him for knowing exactly what to say, and dare him to see reality through my eyes, but I couldn't do any of those things. I had no fight left in me.

"Just let me hold on to the 'could have been' Edward, please?" I was practically begging now. I only wanted to escape before I broke down.

"No Bella. We are so much more than could have beens. I won't let you pull away from me."

And then my traitor tears betrayed me and I felt mortifyingly embarrassed as my shoulders shook and the tears poured from my eyes in a way that made it impossible to hide it from him. "Let me go," I sobbed.

"No," he insisted softly, turning me around to face him. His hands came to cheeks and held them tenderly while his thumbs worked at drying my tears. "You listen to me Bella Swan. I will not let you go. And I don't need you to define your feelings or say anything to me that upsets you. All I want from you is the promise of more time…the next minute or hour or day. I don't even care if you don't want to promise that to me. If it's simply what you want then that's enough for me."

"This can't work out," I rasped as I looked away from his fiercely steady eyes, completely disillusioned by the dismal downturn our formerly amazing day had taken. I was like poison and killed everything I touched.

"It can and it will." He sounded so sure of himself that I wanted to believe him but I couldn't. "Bella, please don't shut down on me." And then before I knew what was happening his lips were pressing into mine, softly, longingly, begging me to come back to him. His instincts were dead on. He had managed to pull the one thing out of his bag of tricks that would bring me back to him, his physical touch. I tried to resist him but his lips kept coming back for me, kissing me more deeply and pouring more feeling into that intangible emotional connection that existed between us. He broke me down with his patience until I couldn't resist him any longer and threw myself into his kiss, pushing my tongue against his lips and begging for his affection. He didn't hold back any longer either, his tongue snaking out and pressing against mine, powerful and indulgent, weakening my resistance to the idea that we could not work.

One of his hands slid around my waist and pulled me closer, resting on the small of my back and triggering all of the memories of earlier today. Like a waterfall my desire gushed forth in an uncontrolled and errant way. My hands seemed to be everywhere, pushing across his chest and stroking his arms and curling around his neck and tangling into his hair. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think of anything but my need to connect with Edward in any and every way possible. I pushed my tongue into his mouth more deeply, offering and searching and taking whatever his tongue delivered in return, and it still wasn't enough.

His free hand encircled my waist and joined his other hand on the small of my back for a moment, before sliding upward and twisting into my hair. He must have liked it the way it felt because he moaned softly into my mouth and I pressed myself closer to his body. I felt like every cell in my body was on fire. I let my hands drop from his hair and stroked his neck and arms as I resigned myself to take what I knew I wanted. And because I couldn't contain my need to connect with him, I allowed myself to push past the point I should have allowed myself. My hands slid to his stomach, underneath his leather jacket, and along his waist, stopping to rest just above his hips. I could feel his body underneath my fingertips through the thin fabric of his shirt and it was exactly the contact I needed to ease my longing. He gasped at my touch and shoved his tongue as far into my mouth as it could go. His hand moved from its perch on my lower back and came up to the back of my neck and held it firmly. The feel of his hand on my bare skin made me shudder. I had never been so glad that I had pulled my hair up in my life. His fingers stretched out to grab the end of my ponytail, tangling and twisting my hair around his fingers and pulling it back to my neck. I guess that was Edward taking the contact he needed too, his hand entangled in my hair and holding the bare skin of my neck, and I was totally fucking okay with it. I was better than okay. I was unbelievably turned on by it.

His kiss became less powerful but no less passionate. His unyielding lips took their time with my top lip and then with my bottom lip, sucking and licking and pressing every bit of goodness his mouth had to give with each movement and I just enjoyed the shit out of it, letting him lead me because I owed him for not letting me wreck this perfect moment. As if he could sense my thoughts he pulled back from my mouth, pressing soft kisses along my jawbone, showing me every bit of his complicated desire in the way his lips touched my skin, lovingly, longingly, tenderly. His lips made a path to my ear and my head instinctively tilted away from his to give him better access to that side of me. He found the most sensitive spot behind my ear, kissing and sucking it softly and smiling against my skin when a quiet moan escaped.

I let my head fall against his chest, nuzzling into it, searching out the comfort of his affection while trying to convey an unspoken apology for my inappropriate reaction. How do you explain to someone that you give up too easily so you don't have as far to fall, because you're sure that just like everything else fate will fuck up the one thing you truly want, because more than anything you couldn't stand to hurt them by ensnaring them in your fucked up life?

He pressed one last soft kiss against my ear and inhaled deeply, dropping his forehead to the top of my head and resting it there. He didn't loosen his grip on me and I didn't want him to. "Please don't run away from me Bella," he murmured. It wasn't an afterthought or a repeat of his initial thought. It was a new plea, his way of telling me that I hurt him when I ran away, of assuring me that there was nothing I needed to avoid when it came to him, of telling me in no uncertain terms that he believed in us enough for both of us, for when I couldn't believe, and even when I wouldn't.

I turned my head and pressed a tiny kiss into his chest and then nuzzled back into it. "I'm sorry," I whispered. His arms tightened around me and I knew he understood. I didn't know why he understood or how he could possibly want to be with me after that display but none of it seemed to matter to him.

We stayed in each other's arms like that for a while. Every now and then I would squeeze my arms around his waist to show him that I was in the moment, appreciating his affection and enjoying his embrace and just generally keeping myself from floating away. I needed the reminders to stay grounded because everything between us was surreal. I used his strange electricity to remind myself that we were really happening and his scent to remind me how utterly magnificent he was and his touch to remind me that there was no way that I could give too much to him. He deserved more than I had to give, but I had somehow become determinedly resolute to give him everything I had and was trying to believe that it was enough by virtue of it being what he desired.

"Are you ok?" he wondered. By the tone of his voice I could tell he didn't think I was. I wondered if he was waiting for me to implode again, and the idea made me chuckle.

"I am, thanks to you."

"Is your Uncle expecting you?" I had lost total track of the time. It was an easy thing to do when I was with Edward.

"What time is it?"

"It's close to five," he informed me softly. He pulled back from me, lightening his touch against my neck, but was still unwilling to let me go completely. Realizing that made me totally blissful. His eyes searched my face but I wasn't afraid. All I could see was the concern in his eyes and his gorgeous face and anything that I would reflect back at him would be positive. I didn't want to make him worry about me more.

"I guess we'll be eating cereal for dinner," I joked.

"Can I follow you home?"

"I'll be fine," I insisted.

"It would make me feel better." I couldn't deny him what he wanted after what he'd done for me.

"If it's what you want and if it will make you feel better, then fine, but you don't need to fucking worry."

He smirked at me and I returned his smile. "And you're sure you're okay?"

"More than okay." I released my arms from around his waist, hating to let go but knowing I had to go home. He dropped his hands from my neck but reached for my hand to hold while I got into the truck. When I was finally in the cab he closed the door behind me and leaned in after I unrolled the window.

"Tomorrow seems like a long way off, doesn't it?" he smiled.

"Yeah, it kinda does," I admitted. "I'll see you at school though, like before biology, right?"

"I'll wait for you by my car."

I smiled and turned my attention to the road, shifting the truck into drive and taking the wide u-turn slowly to get my truck turned back in the proper direction. The silver Volvo was exactly two car-lengths behind me the entire way home. I used my rear view mirror to study his face as often as I could while still watching the road. I decided half way home that he looked happy and peaceful, and part of it was due to me. It didn't make sense to me but it made me proud and happy. I made Edward Cullen happy and fucking peaceful. Who would have ever thought it was even possible? He didn't wait for me to get out of the truck. As soon as I parked it at the curb he was gone from my sight, blowing past me and out of eyeshot within moments. I just sat and watched him drive away and tried to put the events of the day into some semblance of sense and order in my head.

I slept like a fucking baby that night; no dreams, good or bad, just a long and peaceful sleep induced by Edward Cullen's affection. A sweeter sleep was never had.

He was there waiting in the parking lot for me the next morning, just like he told me he would me. A part of me was expecting him not to be there, still more or less unwilling to just fucking accept reality. It wasn't anything Edward had said to me, or hadn't said for that matter. It was just me. Things I wanted selfishly, never worked out in my favour. I had what I needed to survive, a roof over my head and a trust to provide me with my basic needs of food and clothing and eventually an education. Hell, now I even had Charlie, a man who loved me like his own, and a father figure wasn't something I'd ever had my whole life. But when it came to things I needed to actually live life, the universe saw to it to take those things from me or keep them from me altogether – my father before I even got a chance to know him, my Mom when I needed her most of all, my home, and everything I'd ever known. The universe had enrolled me in the school of hard knocks and every time I got too comfortable it proceeded to beat the stupid out of me. So while I had him, I was going to enjoy Edward as much as I could possibly friggen stand it, but there would always be that part of me that was waiting for the universe to take him away for me. It was inevitable.

As soon as he caught sight of the truck a smile spread across his lips and I felt guilty for dwelling on his obligatory exit from my life. It wasn't fair to Edward that he had to deal with my universal struggles, even if they would eventually affect him, or maybe that would be fate's way of dealing, to make him decide to leave with no regrets. I liked that idea. If someone had to suffer it should be me since it was my curse to bear. I pushed the thoughts back into the depths of my mind and focused my attention on Edward, realizing even more how important it was to live in the moment.

He was walking towards my truck before I could even get out and I didn't understand the look on his face. I decided to employ his techniques to see if he would tell me.

"Hey," I smiled, "what's up?"

"Hello." He shifted his body towards me while he spoke.

"You don't look so hot. Did you want to tell me what you're thinking?"

He grinned at me. "You don't want to know what I'm thinking," he teased.

"Yes I do. You seem…upset?"

"I'm just relieved to see you." His eyes shifted away from mine, surveying the parking lot before darting back to me. "I missed you."

I couldn't keep the shock from registering on my face as much as I wanted to. It's just that his admission was shocking, like a slap to my brain and I couldn't form an appropriate response. "Really?"

His smiled widened. "Yes really, you silly girl. I wouldn't have said it if it weren't true."

"Why?"

"Why?" he echoed, his face twisted in confusion.

"Why would you miss me?" He laughed at me, unable to control his reaction to my question. I didn't see the humour in it so I just waited for him to compose himself and explain the answer to it.

"You still don't believe me, do you?"

"Believe you?"

"You still don't believe that I care for you, do you?" he questioned softly.

"I'm trying," I offered, feeling a little awkward.

"It's ok," he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with deliberate slowness as he picked the right words out of his mind to speak. "I can't pretend to understand every part of you, as much as I'd like to. There are facets of your personality that I don't know yet and I'm not going to doubt you because of things that have happened to you and shaped who you are. Someday I'll know them all, and then you will finally understand that my feelings for you are true and permanent."

His words floated around in my head – 'true and permanent,' 'my feelings for you,'- and made my stomach twist as they cemented the reality of our entire situation in my head. This was really happening. "I'm sure there are things about you that I don't know either," I offered. "Although I doubt that you are as fucking broken as I am." I laughed blackly but he didn't find my words funny. His face twisted in discomfort. I stared back at him, trying to understand what I could have said that would have upset him and decided maybe he didn't like hearing me put myself down. I didn't even see it as a put down, more a fact of who I was. Maybe he would come to understand that in time, like he suggested. "We've got lots of time to test your theory though?"

A small smile came to his lips. It wasn't forced, but it wasn't happy either, more resigned than anything else. "Would you like to have lunch together again?" he wondered in a quiet voice.

"Yes I would," I told him in my most convincing tone, hoping to pull him out of the self-induced preoccupation he was lost in. It didn't work. He barely seemed to register the change in my voice.

"I'll pick you up after fourth period then," he mumbled distractedly.

I wondered where he was in his head, what thoughts had him so deeply abstracted, what thoughts had changed his mood so entirely that he didn't even seem to be there with me any longer. I thought about swearing at him to pull him from his distracted state but something told me it wouldn't help, so I did the only other thing I knew of, again using his own strategies with him. I slipped my hand into his, pushing his fingers open to make room for my hand. His eyes darted to mine and looked at me questioningly. "Come back to me?" I whispered longingly.

His eyes flashed around the parking lot checking for people who might be watching and then he bent to my hand while bringing it to his lips and kissed it softly. He smiled sweetly at me. "Sorry, sometimes I get caught up in my thoughts too."

"I thought maybe you were trapped in there for a minute, and I wasn't sure how to climb in there and bring you back," I teased.

He laughed lightly. "Well you certainly found a pleasant way to do just that, didn't you?" He squeezed my hand lightly in reference to his comment.

"It worked on me yesterday," I offered.

"It certainly did."

"After fourth period then?" I checked.

"Yes, for lunch," he smiled.

The morning seemed to fly by today. Between every class I rushed to the quad to try and catch a glimpse of Edward. I never tried to get his attention or talk to him. I just watched him and wondered how in the hell I landed up there, staring at him with the knowledge that he had feelings for me. I still couldn't make sense of it. He would smile or just stare back at me. In my head we were being discreet but in my heart I felt like everyone must be watching us and seeing the changes. By the end of fourth period I was aching to touch him again and the type of contact didn't really matter. Even if it was just my foot on his leg under the lunch table, that would be enough. I just needed the proof of our connection to make the ache stop for just a moment.

He was there against the wall again when I left my classroom, waiting for me just like he said he would be. I did a mental booty dance because damn, he was there waiting for me just like he said he would be. "Hello Edward," I smiled.

"Bella," he greeted softly.

"Did you have a good morning?" I wondered. "Or did you fall back into your black hole of bemusement again?"

"No black hole," he laughed. "Just a handful of boring subjects that couldn't keep my attention."

"Do you have that problem often?"

"Being bored in class? Frequently."

"No, falling into a black hole of bemusement? I don't know how the poor teachers would get you out! They aren't allowed to hold your hand without risking sexual harassment charges, and really, I don't think they like you enough to risk it," I smirked. "I am available of course, as the official black hole liberator of Edward Cullen."

"Stronger than electromagnetic radiation?"

"Fuck yeah!" I laughed. "I'm like your own personal anti-gravity."

"So is that your official title? Shall I introduce you using it? Yes, I'd like you to meet Bella, my official black hole liberator."

"Sure, you can introduce me that way. That would be fine, unless you'd like to throw a few expletives in for good measure."

"Just a few?" he smirked.

"One or two couldn't hurt."

"Or I could just introduce you as my girlfriend." The suggestion made my stomach do flip-flops. Me, as Edward Cullen's girlfriend? It sounded more like a part in a play as opposed to a real life title.

"The liberator one has more power…but the girlfriend on has a pretty nice ring to it. Maybe you could alternate?" I snarked.

He bent to my ear to whisper to me. "I would like to hold your hand again…just so you know."

"Me too," I murmured softly without meeting his eyes. I wanted more than to just hold his hand, so much more! He followed me through the lunch line, and just like yesterday he bought no food. "Do you ever eat?"

"Occasionally."

"What's the excuse today? Are you actually going to run before our date?" I whispered curiously.

"A small run. Besides, I don't want to wreck my appetite for tonight."

"I give you credit…I couldn't do it." I followed him to the same table as yesterday and plopped down on the bench across from him.

"It takes discipline and practise," he admitted. "Lots of practise."

I slipped my shoe off and stretched my foot out in search of Edward's leg. Once I found it I let my toes nudge his shin a little, coaxing my need to touch him to relax a little bit. He looked up at me through his lashes and he looked so sexy I could hardly breathe. "I…ummm…just needed to…well, yeah, you know exactly what I needed…to do."

He smiled and cleared his throat, likely choking back the laugh at my complete incoherency. "I don't mind."

"You're very good at that…" I stopped, considering what word to use to explain the effect he had on me sometimes. "It's sort of like stupefying, with shots of hypnosis and overwhelm thrown in for good measure."

"Is that what I do to you?" he asked, his sexy grin plastered across his face.

"Sometimes, but don't get too full of yourself buddy, because there are other times that are equally strong where I'd just like to fucking punch you."

"Like right now?" he teased.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Hello people," Alice greeted us, taking a seat between Edward and me. "What's shaking?"

Edward glared at her and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Alice had been dead on when she said he didn't want to share me. I let my toes stroke his leg with a little firmer pressure, trying to soothe him a bit. "Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday."

"And here I am," she teased lightly. "Edward." She nodded at her brother and giggled lightly, covering her mouth with her hand to hide her obvious amusement at his behaviour.

"Alice." Edward's words came from behind his gritted teeth, in a very quiet tone that clearly told her to back off.

"So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something." She glanced over at her brother as she spoke as if they were taking turns giving the other warning glares. She looked pissed. I wondered if they'd had some kind of fight at home, possibly involving me.

"What's that Alice?"

"I signed you up for something that I sort of think you aren't going to want to do, but it's too late to get out of it, so I just threw caution to the wind and went ahead."

"Are you that desperate to get me back into the mentor program Alice?" I teased.

"No, this is so much more fun than that…kind of like all of the benefits of hanging out with me but none of the confines of school. It's going to be so much fun."

"What's going to be so much fun?"

"Promise not to be mad at me?" she demanded.

"Ummm…I guess? What did you do?"

"I signed you up for the class ski trip." She bit her lip and braced herself for my reaction, knowing it wouldn't be good.

"You did what?" I yelled, louder than I meant to in my shocked state.

"You signed her up for skiing?" Edward snapped, glaring angrily at his sister again.

"I can't ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days."

"Have you ever tried skiing?" she prodded.

"No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?"

"Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you."

Edward's jaw snapped closed with an audible snap as he shot another warning glare at Alice. "No Alice. Bella doesn't need Jazz's help," he sneered.

"Edward, hush," Alice instructed. "Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella." Best behaviour? What was that supposed to mean? Was I that hard to get along with that I would bring out the worst in all Cullen men? Maybe Man-boy might like to take a crack at me too?

"She's not going Alice," Edward seethed.

"Yes, she is Edward."

"Do I get a vote?" I asked, feeling uncomfortably stuck in the middle of the two of them and completely insignificant, having been shoved conveniently out of the conversation that was about me.

"Bella, it's not safe for you to go skiing," Edward whispered.

"She'll be fine. You'll be fine Bella," Alice assured me.

"I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all," I admitted.

"See Alice? She doesn't want to go," Edward declared smugly.

"I wasn't finished Edward," I said in a quiet voice. "What I was going to say was that if it's important to you Alice, I'll try…"

"Oh yay!" she clapped.

"What is it with you two and your interrupting?" I snapped angrily. "I'll try it out _if_ you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge."

"You won't." Alice was so sure of herself that I almost believed her. She shot another glare at her brother.

"Will you two fucking stop that?" I demanded. "You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!"

Edward's foot found my leg under the table and he pushed his toes along the contour of my calf. "I'm sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that's no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice."

Alice was looking at the tabletop. "Me too," she whispered, appearing to be far more embarrassed now than she had been while admitting the trip to me. It was over the top and made no sense to me.

"Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments." I glowered at both Alice and Edward as they continued their silent cafeteria throw down. "Don't test me people, I will bitch slap you."

"Alice was just leaving," Edward growled, never taking his eyes off Alice.

"No, you know what? I'm leaving. I'll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don't want to be in the middle of you two any more."

"Bella, no, you don't have to leave." Edward murmured, his eyes finally moving to mine. I didn't try to hide my hurt.

"Yes, I do Edward. I don't like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don't want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you."

"You're not," Alice insisted.

"Talk it over and finish it please." I grabbed my tray and dumped it on my way out. I'd completely lost my appetite anyway. I had taken what Alice had said about Edward not wanting to share me as a joke when she said it, but now I was rethinking that shit. What a fucking hornet's nest it was going to be if those two couldn't find a way to get along, or worse, if I was the reason they couldn't get along. I didn't even want to think about how impossibly fucking uncomfortable and irritating and difficult trying to balance those two might be. I reminded myself that they were close and tried to have faith they would work it out. Maybe it was just a bad day? I went to my locker and put in my earbuds and let my iPod help me disengage from the ideas in my head. Four and a half songs later I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I looked up a pair of very remorseful brown eyes met me. "I'm not talking to you unless you tell me that you and Alice made up and that you'll never do that to me again…and only if you _mean_ it. You can't just say it and lie to me because that's what I want to hear."

He pointed to his ears, a silent request to remove my earbuds, so I did, reluctantly. "I'm sorry Bella. Truly…Alice and I got everything figured out. We both overreacted and behaved like children and I'm very sorry that you were put in the middle of it. Will you forgive us?"

"You had me at I'm sorry," I smiled, "but thank you for smoothing things over. Don't be mad at Alice. She was just trying to get me to try new things. I'm sure she wasn't intentionally trying to risk my life," I smirked.

"Why did you indulge her then, knowing that it isn't safe for you?" he wondered softly.

"Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone," I mused. "It worked for me and you."

"You've got me there," he smiled, a real smile that showed me that he was happy and it stopped every worry I had that he might be placating me. "Are you ready for class?"

I made a face to indicate I thought it sounded like a fucking horrible idea, because it was, but started to get to my feet. Edward's hand came out to offer me help getting up and I stopped. "You keep doing that," I noted intently.

"Does it bother you?" he smiled, amused by my curiosity.

"I'm not sure…maybe…a little. Why are you doing it?"

"It's polite," he replied matter-of-factly.

"I don't see you doing it to your sisters."

"It's how a man should treat a woman," he reasoned.

"Your sisters aren't women?" I smirked.

He was suddenly serious. "I offer my hand because it's what I was raised to do. I offer it only to you because you are the only one whose well-being I care enough about to try and be of service in."

"You could have just said you do it because you like me," I razzed.

"You are impossible," he laughed. I reached out for his hand, unwilling to try and resist touching him one last time before class started. As soon as my fingers slid across his skin I felt better, the ache to touch him easing as his electricity swelled against my palm and took over. As he tugged on my arm I watched his face, careful and cautious as he pulled me upright easily. "That wasn't so bad now, was it?" he said smugly.

"Just like I said yesterday, you have a strong need to be right."

"Two days ago," he smirked.

"See? How do you get that ego of yours through the doors some days Cullen?"

"I turn sideways," he teased. I punched his shoulder in protest but I'm pretty sure it hurt my hand far more than it hurt him.

As we walked to class I remembered to tell him about Charlie's request. "Edward, I was wondering if you'd mind moving our dinner to six? My Uncle asked me to be home earlier, by nine o'clock." I rolled my eyes, irritated. "He's worried about my truck breaking down so he doesn't want me out late or something. To be honest I sort of stopped listening to him."

"That's no problem," Edward acquiesced. "Although, we could solve the problem if you'd let me drive you."

"Don't ever tell me you don't have a need to be right," I laughed. "I told you I want to drive myself. Take it or leave it."

"I'll take it," Edward agreed, backing down. I was glad he didn't make an issue of it. I was already feeling nervous about tonight. The idea of having to suffer through the formality of him picking me up and meeting Charlie put me on the fast track to Puketown. I so didn't need the pressure of that on top of everything else. I had to keep tonight as light and uncomplicated as I could manage, or at least as light and uncomplicated as a first date with the perfect gorgeous boy I was in love and wanted to do dirty, nasty unmentionable things to would allow.

I paid so little attention to Mr. Banner in biology that afternoon that I couldn't even swear he was actually in the classroom. Besides a vague memory of the sound of chalk on the board, I don't remember a bit of the lecture. The hour was one long game of hide and seek with Edward. I'd peek at him; he'd catch me, smile that fucking beautiful smile of his, and make me blush and look away. Then he'd stare at me until I acknowledged him and start with the intense stares once I did. And after he'd finally whipped me into a frenzy with his stupefying overwhelming incoherency-inducing gaze, and I couldn't breathe or think, he'd look away for a moment and I'd try to come down from my pseudo-brain fog. I couldn't keep from looking at him for very long though, and the whole sequence would just repeat itself. I swear he looked so deeply into my eyes that he could see my goddamn soul. I don't know what it was about him but it didn't even make me uncomfortable. If I had to put an adjective to it I'd have to say right. It was just fucking right with him, the way he stared at me that made me want to show him all those hidden parts of me that I was so afraid to show anyone else, the rush of emotions and the way the made me feel when he touched me, the way I couldn't get enough of him. It was just fucking right. So, beyond all the pressure of a first date, and a first date with Edward Cullen, there was the pressure of knowing that I wanted this to turn out so fucking badly it hurt. It had been ages since I allowed myself to want anything, let alone anything this friggen monumental. It was so close I could practically smell it, so close it was at my fingertips, and it scared the shit out of me.

"You're lucky we didn't have a quiz today Bella. I don't think you were paying very good attention today," Edward smirked as he walked me towards the gym.

"That makes two of us."

"So I will see you tonight I guess?" He sighed softly, waiting for me to look up at him. I resisted for a moment, just to prolong my time with him for a little while longer.

"Not after school?" I wondered.

"No, I have to leave early today. I have something I need to get done."

"Oh," I said glumly. Why hadn't he mentioned it earlier?

"But I will see you at six o'clock at the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant."

"Okay," I agreed. "See you then." Had we not been in the middle of a crowded hallway I would have kissed him. I wanted to so fucking badly that I could hardly keep my feet planted. The ache to touch him was growing stronger, or I was growing weaker, or both. It had been less than twenty-four hours since he'd kissed me but it felt like an eternity. At least I could look forward to a kiss tonight. There was no way I was letting the date end without one, at least one. I watched him walk away and smiled to myself. The next time I saw him I would be his date, me, Isabella Swan would be Edward Cullen's date. I'm pretty sure I floated the rest of the way to gym.

*****

What the fuck do you wear on a date with Edward Cullen? I was in the middle of a very normal teenage girl freak out over my date attire that was unfortunately reaching epic proportions because I had no friggen clue what the appropriate choice of outfit was. He was a pretty reserved guy. Did he expect me to wear a dress? I shuddered because no…just no. A dress was definitely out, as were jeans because I was pretty sure the place he was taking me to was more towards formal than grunge. I stared at the hangers and willed them to answer my silent pleading. My eyes kept falling back to the teal sweater. It was simple enough, a little lower cut than I would normally wear to school but this wasn't school. But what the fuck should I wear with it? No to the skirt, and the denim, and the coloured denim, and dress pants seemed too damn formal. I wanted to be comfortable in my pants since nothing else about the night would be comfortable. Finally I saw the right pair of pants, my flat front trousers, plain, black and perfectly comfortable. I wiggled into the pants and pulled the sweater over my head and took a few deep breaths before checking my reflection. Yes, the outfit would work perfectly, causal enough to be comfortable and dressy enough to blend into any dress requirements the restaurant might have. I was good to go…except for the hair.

I spent much longer than I normally would have straightening my hair. I had a theory about Edward and my hair. Edward seemed to like the hair, tangling his fingers into my ponytail yesterday, and I was pretty sure he fingered my curls that day in the quad. So I wanted to test my theory, was it the curls, the ponytail or simply the hair? I took a long time with the straightening iron making it glossy and soft and perfectly straight, and I knew when I had it right because even I could see it looked good.

I contemplated makeup while staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was so not a makeup girl, and I couldn't apply that shit to save my life. I settled for a small bit of mascara and some clear lip-gloss. A beauty queen I was not, but the person looking back at me was someone I recognized, and that meant more to me than looking like I'd stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine, and if Edward didn't like it he could bite me.

*****

I realized when I got to the restaurant that I'd forgotten to ask Edward if he made a reservation. I approached the hostess timidly, feeling a bit out of place and gave her Edward's name. She smiled politely and led me to a small table that had a fantastic view of the ocean. I nodded her a thank you and sat down. It was a beautiful view, water as far as the eye could see, rolling towards the shore in gentle white-capped waves. It made me feel much more peaceful and I needed that badly. My anxiety had only gotten worse as the day wore on and I found my leg bouncing under the table nervously.

I glanced around the restaurant arbitrarily, watching the door for Edward while I studied different things, the paintings that hung on the walls, the strange toupee on the middle aged man eating by himself, the colourful saltwater fish in the tank behind the bar. There were all sorts of things to study, and I studied them all while I waited for Edward. I drank my pop and counted the forty-two people that came and ate and left while I waited for my date to show up. I ordered a refill and studied the bartender making drinks and by the time I finished my second glass of pop I could recite the recipes for a Cosmopolitan and a Martini, and chronicle every beer on tap. I picked at the bread and watched the sky begin to change colours as the sunset approached. Finally, I paid the waitress and told the stupid fucking universe to kiss my ass and accepted that he wasn't coming.

I wasn't Edward Cullen's date. I wasn't Edward Cullen's girlfriend. I wasn't anything to Edward Cullen but an easily played naïve dumbass. I made of list of reasons as I drove home, all perfectly plausible excuses as to why he didn't show up, but the truth was I knew all along he was too good to be true. The whys and wherefores didn't fucking matter. I should have never expected that I was anything more than a game. He was probably sitting around with his perfect brothers and sisters laughing his ass off at me, at what a fool he'd made of me and how easily I was played. And I had made it easy for him. I wanted this whole fucking thing so badly that I let myself believe it was going to happen. I was too stupid to even doubt it, and that made me a fucking idiot.

Three quarters of the way home I saw his stupid shiny silver Volvo pull in behind me, but I refused to look at him or acknowledge him in any way. I stopped using my rear view mirror all together so I wouldn't even be tempted to meet his eyes. There was no fucking way I was going to talk to him. I grabbed Charlie's spot in the driveway and pulled the truck all the way up so I was directly across form the side door. I shoved the truck door open and threw myself toward the house, pushing through the barely opened side door and slamming it behind me. I didn't want to know his excuse. I didn't want to see him, or talk to him, or put myself in any kind of situation where he would just fucking manipulate me again. I was done. Edward Cullen could fuck himself.

* * *

A/N: Dun, dun, dun………………

A special shout out to gnotar for starting a thread about this story over at twilight(dot)net. And to lilroses_89 for bringing it to my attention and keeping me company over there. If you're interested, please check it out. I'll try to check in as often as I can to answer questions and chat up the story, or at least try and say when I'll update.

Reviews are love. You know you wanna! (or at least that I want you to :op)


	20. Antithesis

**A/N:** My obligatory recognition of the ownership of the wonderfulness that is Twilight: La grandeur qui est Stephenie Meyer a rêvé vers le haut Edward magnifique et la Bella courageuse et tous autres caractères au crépuscule et elle possède lui tout, et moi peut-être, si je suis honnête, qui je suis, tellement oui. And yes, before you wonder, I am amusing myself, and yes, I can actually speak some French (really badly broken and without proper grammar and sentence structure as it may be). I'm Canadian. It's mandatory here :op

I have apparently lost the ability of being succinct. Not even that much happens in this chapter plot-wise. Another 10K, but I'm happy with the way it reads so there's something in that.

I just wanted to say thank you again for the reviews. It's so great to get feedback from people and I find it really encouraging as an author to hear what people think. So thanks so much. I'm glad you're all enjoying the story.

It's time for our dear Edward to have his say. From **Edward's POV**…

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There are days when the world resembles the epitome of hope, where desire is in perfect equilibrium with karma and there is no reason to question its veridicality, everything just falls into place the way it was meant to. Today was just that when it started. And there are days when the world resembles the antithesis of hope, where fairness is wayward and reality has no verity and life is merely a vicious cycle of turmoil and pain. Today was one of those days by the time it ended. How could something start out so exquisite and end up so desolate?

The last twenty-four hours with Bella brought an incredible reversal of her attitude towards me. She was no longer hiding behind her sarcasm or keeping me at arms length. Instead she had begun to open up to me and was letting me see who she really was. Every facet of her personality that she revealed was more fascinating than the next. It was not easy for her. She clearly struggled with the vulnerability that resulted from her disclosure. I think she thought herself weak, but to me it showed her strength and courage.

I had been unable to get her to admit her feelings for me out right, but she hinted at them and that was enough for me. She had an exceptional gift for conveying her emotions with the way she looked at me, especially when the feelings were intense and uninhibited. Part of me wondered if she was this way with everyone and that I was the only one to notice because I spent so much time studying and observing her. Selfishly, I wanted it to be only with me, our own silent vernacular to share the feelings that we couldn't put words to yet. She wasn't always silent though. She often spoke her mind, and articulating her feelings was a difficult thing for her, but she did so nonetheless, with honesty and intrepidity.

There were several times she had done or said something solely for my benefit and I found exuberant felicity in the idea that she cared enough to do such things for me. Once in the parking lot and once in the car she dared to hold my hand in spite of her uneasiness. It was merely the hurdle of making the gesture that made her uncomfortable, not the gesture itself. She also admitted that she worried about me, and that intimation exhilarated me, in spirit and in emotion. Bit by bit she was coming around and I was starting to understand that with patience and time she might come to trust me with her heart. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose, one that fixed me in the day to day and changed the way I saw the world around me.

I was becoming so much better at reading her body language and following her thought process, although I was far from an expert at it. The cognizance that she often edited her thoughts before speaking them was helpful with discerning her true intent. She always thought far more than the words she spoke, and discerned more about what was going on around her than she let on. I wasn't sure if this same discernment applied to her own feelings or not. She was scrupulous with what she allowed herself, and diligent about living within the strict boundaries she'd laid out. She was self-reliant and proud, and more than anything else, she didn't want to need anyone. I think it was the idea of losing someone else of importance that made her unwilling to reach to out to people. She didn't believe me when I told her I wouldn't leave, but she couldn't know my truth. My heart was forever bound to hers and she was the only one with the power to separate us now. My will had been surrendered within the enduring and unalterable change of falling in love with her. I could not leave her now if I wanted to. Of course Bella knew none of this, not even of my love for her. It would have been too much too soon to tell her of my depth of feeling. Patience was of the utmost importance, and I could be very patient when the reward was her love.

She joked that I affected her in odd ways, that I often left her feeling incoherent and overwhelmed and temporarily hypnotized. She did the same to me. One look from those eyes could freeze me in my tracks. She was beautiful and alluring without trying and when she tried I was at a loss to not give her everything she asked of me. She was inimitable. She was nonpareil. She was everything.

When I picked her up from gym on Thursday she had tied back her hair in a ponytail. She was breathtaking. I had never seen her with her hair pulled up off her neck, and with her cheeks flushed pink from gym, her delicacy and beauty were exquisite. Later that day when I kissed her I could not resist the call of her bare skin there, running my fingers along her neck, cupping and caressing it, but it wasn't enough to ease the pull fully. In my attempts to channel my need for her, I entwined my fingers into her glossy hair and pulled it back to her neck and held both for as long as Bella would allow me. I felt obvious and desperate and couldn't bring myself to care, just lost in her affection and our connection, and soothed that the pull had finally ceased.

Seeing her cry nearly broke me. It was agonizing like no other thing I'd ever known, and I felt entirely helpless to ease her pain. I did my best to soothe her with gentle caresses and comforting words, drying her tears and assuring her I would take whatever she could give. When that didn't work I kissed her, pouring all of my emotion and love into my actions, hoping to convey my words and reassert the idea that I would not leave her and that I was more than willing to accept her just as she was, broken as she called it. She was not broken to me, just scared, and understandably so. She was so afraid to risk too much and be or inflict hurt along the way that she was willing to hold on to the idea of what could be rather than chase what she really desired. She did not need to be afraid. We would find a way to make us work.

The difference in her kiss was vivid. When our lips first met she was unresponsive; her kiss was little more than obsequious and mechanical. I simply pushed past the negativity, refusing to accept her non-reaction and poured more feeling into my actions. It took only a small bit of patience before her lips awoke under mine and kissed me back with ardency and adulation. Her kiss told me all of the things she couldn't say, thank you and love me and I'm sorry and I need you. I would never stop needing her and wanting more of whatever she would give to me. It was the most precious gift.

When she ran her hands beneath my jacket the sensation was divine. Had it not been such an emotional fragile moment for her, I would have mirrored the same contact on her. I longed to touch her further, to touch every part of her body and soul, but I didn't even know if I was capable of it without hurting her. I knew my control was paramount in our intimacy, and the force and overwhelming nature of everything between us put onerous demands on my restraint. I was going to have let go of my reticence to keep my love for Bella to myself and consult Carlisle. If anyone would know if I was even capable of intimate contact with Bella it would be Carlisle. I'm sure that he noticed the highs and lows of my temperament lately but had remained silent out of respect for my privacy. It would make him happy to know of this extraordinary change in my life.

The guilt of keeping my secret from Bella was becoming increasingly more difficult to bear because I hated lying to her. She mentioned in passing that she was sure there were things that she didn't know about me and it was like a slap of reality in the face for me. There were so many differences between her kind and mine that I had to explain with lies. It went against my very nature and my love for her. I wanted her to know as much of me as I was allowed to show her. I doubted that she could ever care enough about me to look past what I was, and I struggled with the unfairness of it all. Had I not been turned, I would not have become a vampire nor have ever have met her, instead dying at the appropriate time in my life. It seemed somehow that I was destined to love Bella and yet, the cruelty of fate had twisted our futures in such a gnarled and wicked way that the likelihood of a happily ever after teetered unstably and volatile with every interaction. The state of non-life that I lived in for so long was easier in that I had nothing to lose, nothing I valued enough to lose. Now there was a significant chance that I could lose the only thing that had ever mattered and I'd never been so terrified.

Bella agreed to have lunch with me again today and we were having a lovely time together until Alice showed up. I heard her approaching, her alarmed mental tone was easily discernable from the gush of voices in my head. 'Edward, I need to talk to you immediately.'

"Hello people," Alice called. I shot her a glance to ask her what was bothering her. 'I need to talk to you alone Edward,' she informed me. I shrugged infinitesimally to let her know that I had no intention of leaving Bella's side and she proceeded to help herself to the seat between Bella and I. I bit back a growl at her intrusion. "What's shaking?"

'I had them again Edward.' I glared at her. I could read minds, but I couldn't predict them. She was going to have to give me a little bit more than that if she wanted me to understand. Bella must have seen the face I made at Alice because her toes stroked my leg a little more firmly, trying to soothe me. Under normal circumstances it would have worked, but Alice's intrusion and vagueness were irritating me.

"Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday." Bella's voice was cheerful. She was happy to see Alice, so I tried to relax in spite of Alice's alarm.

'The visions, Edward, t_he visions_.' I quirked an eyebrow and waited for her to let me in. It was the only way I would understand what she meant without coming out and asking. If I wanted to keep our silent conversation private then I couldn't say anything that Bella could hear. "And here I am," Alice joked, smiling widely at Bella, and then turned her face towards me. "Edward," she nodded, trying to disguise her intensity as amusement. 'Look.' I began to watch in horror at the pictures - me holding Bella's dead body, my crimson irises, Charlie's horror struck face, a funeral, a headstone, and my home, empty and deserted. Anger flashed in my eyes as everything around me went red.

I tried to control my reaction to what she'd shown me but I was staggered. "Alice," I practically growled through my gritted teeth.

'They are getting worse and more frequent.' More information I didn't want or know what to do with. My mind searched furiously for what could have changed the future so drastically. Alice turned her attention to Bella.

"So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something." Alice watched me for an answer but I gave none. 'You can't ignore this Edward. This is Bella's life we're talking about. You aren't the only one who loves her you know. I love her. Charlie loves her. You have to do something to stop it.' I rolled my eyes at her absurdity. Of course I would do something, I just didn't immediately know what it was. Alice glared at me angrily, silently defending her friend's life.

I tuned out their conversation and painstakingly searched every thought I'd had that day, weighing and considering each word against Alice's visions. I was lost in my head and stayed silent while they spoke, contemplating my actions and decisions. The only difference I could come up with was the date with Bella. We would be alone and away from school, but we had been alone away from school before. There had to be some other difference I was overlooking.

"I signed you up for the class ski trip."

Alice's words pierced through my preoccupation.

"You did what?" Bella yelled in shock.

"You signed her up for skiing?" I barked. Alice was angry with me for risking Bella's life and she was putting Bella into another dangerous situation.

"I can't ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days," Bella announced. She was right. It was a thoughtless thing for Alice to do. I understood her desire to spend time with Bella but this was not the way to do it.

"Have you ever tried skiing?" Alice wondered. 'Think Edward!' she demanded. I bared my teeth at her but stopped short of snarling.

"No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?" Bella said sarcastically.

"Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you." She smiled sweetly at Bella, trying to win her over. I wanted to whisk Bella out of the cafeteria and away from Alice's influence. I knew Bella would feel responsible to Alice and want to please her. She was already in enough danger. I didn't not want her taking more risks. 'So you're just going to let her die then? If you're going to do that then at least change her. That would be more humane than death, and since you claim to love her at least you could keep her.'

My jaws snapped shut at her thought and I tightened my eyes and glared angrily at her. "No Alice. Bella doesn't need Jazz's help." My tone was full of condemnation and it wasn't lost on her.

"Edward, hush. Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella." Alice was doing a much better job of hiding her emotions than I was. 'I'm sorry Edward but you just don't seem to be taking this seriously enough.' She flipped through the visions again and I bit back a wince.

"She's not going Alice," I declared, aiming my anger over her hasty and thoughtless assumptions at Alice.

"Yes, she is Edward," Alice bit back. 'Have you thought about what it's going to do to you if you take her life Edward? You'll never forgive yourself.'

"Do I get a vote?" Bella squeaked. Both Alice and I turned to look at Bella. She was visibly uncomfortable listening to us argue, and I felt guilty for upsetting her. I should have done a better job at controlling myself.

"Bella, it's not safe for you to go skiing," I murmured, knowing she would not like hearing me make decisions for her. I didn't want to hurt her. I only wanted her safe.

"She'll be fine. You'll be fine Bella." Alice was conveniently ignoring the risks. I was reasonably sure that the only reason Alice couldn't see Bella getting hurt skiing was because the event that triggered the visions of Bella's death was blocking that path. 'She's safer skiing than she is with you.' I was mortified by her thought because at the moment it was true. I would never forgive myself if I hurt Bella and right now I seemed to be the biggest threat to her welfare.

"I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all," Bella conceded, and I was flooded with relief.

"See Alice? She doesn't want to go," I said decidedly, trying to get Alice to give up her foolish plans.

"I wasn't finished Edward," Bella murmured, trying very hard to control her irritation. "What I was going to say was that if it's important to you Alice, I'll try…"

"Oh yay!" Alice was so happy with Bella's decision that she clapped. I rolled my eyes at her immaturity. 'See, Edward? She wants to go.'

"What is it with you two and your interrupting?" Bella snapped, no longer able to contain her anger. "I'll try it out if you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge."

"You won't." Alice smiled sweetly at Bella and I had to bite back a growl. 'Whatever plans you've made with her, you'd better back off Edward. You're going to hurt her. Until you know what's coming, you need to leave well enough alone.' Alice glared at me, letting her words sink in. I couldn't just leave things as they were. Bella was not going to give me another chance at our date. I had to move forward with our plans or risk losing her. Our future hinged on that date. Surely I had enough control to take Bella out on one simple date and not hurt her. I would hold back. I would remain physically distant and avoid any position that put her at the slightest risk of me losing control.

"Will you two fucking stop that?" Bella demanded. "You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!"

I regretted my decision to not excuse myself to speak privately with Alice. Instead we had both been extremely rude to Bella and we both knew it. I tried to return Bella's soothing touch by stretching my leg out under the table and stroking her calf as she had mine. She seemed to relax slightly under my touch. "I'm sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that's no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice," I declared, remorseful and guilty.

"Me too," Alice whispered, never lifting her eyes from the tabletop.

"Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments," Bella suggested, trying to cover over her anger with sarcastic humour. Alice was staring at me again, showing me the visions, and trying to spur me into action. All she was really doing was making me feel impossibly more guilty and helpless. I didn't need to see the visions endlessly to remember them. They were burned into my brain long ago. I hadn't felt even a stirring of that primal instinct since the night in the clearing when I realized I was in love with Bella. Even now I felt none of that once familiar desire for her blood. That's not to say that she didn't smell appealing to me or set my body off in the same ways, more that I felt fully in control of my faculties. More than controlled, I felt relaxed and peaceful with Bella. There was nothing in Alice's visions that suggested what the problem could be either, only the end result. "Don't test me people, I will bitch slap you."

"Alice was just leaving," I suggested curtly, continuing to glare at Alice in an effort to get her to turn off the painful visions that she had flipping through her mind on an endless repeat.

"No, you know what? I'm leaving. I'll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don't want to be in the middle of you two any more." Bella had reached her boiling point and I couldn't blame her. Our behaviour had been atrocious, but I still didn't want to be away from her.

"Bella, no, you don't have to leave," I pleaded quietly, staring into her eyes so she might see how abominable I felt and just how sorry I was. She looked terribly hurt and I could tell she was not ready to forgive either one of us.

"Yes, I do Edward. I don't like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don't want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you." I knew that opposing her was futile. She'd already made up her mind. I was better off to give her some space and time to calm down than press her in her current state of agitation.

"You're not," Alice insisted. She obviously wasn't as perceptive about Bella's moods. A brief flash of pride surged in knowing how Bella would react. I had no right to feel it. Bella was still in danger, even if I did know her mind.

"Talk it over and finish it please," Bella declared curtly. She left without another word, throwing her food away and disappearing while I watched her from the table. I felt rather hopeless. Seeing her walk away and being helpless to stop her felt like a universal reminder that she was not mine, like a metaphor for my fear of losing her.

"I hope you're happy," Alice whispered.

"Of course I'm not happy Alice," I hissed. "Please don't deprecate me. I have enough to deal with. Surely if you've seen my future you can't doubt my love for Bella."

"I don't," she admitted. "But you need to find a way to keep Bella safe, even if you are the danger." She didn't want to hurt me but the fact that she believed me capable of hurting Bella was painful to me.

"We are supposed to go out tonight…a date…for dinner…"

"You're taking her out to eat?" Alice asked in shock. "That's a little ironic don't you think?" She snorted delicately.

"Please Alice," I snarled angrily. "This is not the time for jokes. I have done nothing I can think of that would put Bella at that great a risk with me. I honestly don't even feel the urge the same way I once did. It all changed when I fell in love with her."

"She doesn't appeal to you?" Alice wondered.

"She still smells the same but I don't feel the urge to act on it. Believe it or not she has a very calming influence on me. I feel peaceful when I'm with her."

"Well when was the last time you fed?" she wondered.

"A couple of days, maybe three." I tried to remember the exact day but it seemed so unimportant that I couldn't pull it from my mind in exactness.

"Well maybe you should hunt then, before your date I mean. It can't hurt right?" Alice was trying to be supportive, and she was right. It was not possible to hunt too often to keep Bella safe. "I can come with you if you want?"

We made plans to hunt after school. It was much more dangerous in the daylight. We would have to be extra careful. Between the two of us, with my mind reading and her ability to see the future we would find a way to be safe and remain undetected. I was sure of it. "Thank you Alice. I would like the company. Would you mind if I went to go find Bella. I really feel like I need to apologize to her for my behaviour."

"No, go," she insisted with a small smile. "I'm sorry about the visions. I hate causing you pain. I only want you to be prepared you know?"

"I know," I assured her. "And thank you. I'll see you in an hour."

A sincere apology was all it took to be granted Bella's forgiveness and I was grateful that I hadn't offended her more deeply. I never wanted to be the cause of pain in her life. As we walked to class she mentioned a shift in the time of our date. There was still plenty of time to hunt before the date and with Alice's help it would likely go even more quickly. I assured her it was no problem.

I spent the entirety of biology staring at Bella and studying every beautiful detail of her features. She must have blushed a half dozen times amidst our looks and I longed to ask her what she was thinking even though I was sure she'd never tell me. After class I told her I had to leave to take care of something and said goodbye to her outside the gym. Leaving her was becoming increasingly more difficult, and considering the facts that came to light today I felt the need to protect her even more strongly. She seemed sad that she wouldn't see me after school and I wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek to reassure her, but I reminded myself of her desire for privacy. I did my best to convey my love for her in the way I looked at her. I wasn't as good as it as she was, but I hoped that she could sense it.

The decision to hunt felt like the right one, and within the context of protecting Bella from my nature, it was. The unseasonably warm weather had brought out the backpackers so Alice and I strayed further away from home than we normally would have, just to be safe. Alice was on strict guard, concentrating on my immediate future while I hunted, looking for safety and nothing else. It was my first mistake. She was so focused on the moment that she didn't look far enough out. I was just finishing with my kill when I saw the sun, breaking through the clouds with an unexpected intensity. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I squinted at it and turned my head to Alice. She was in a trance and completely unaware of the brightness that strained against her closed eyes.

"Alice," I called to her, alarmed.

Her eyes snapped open and her head turned gradually in my direction, and slowly her eyes widened in shock. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow, her face squeezed together in concentration as her hands came to rest on her temples. I watched the images flip, filled with anxiety. The sun would trap us. Our expected path home was not maneuverable without the aide of cloud cover, and the more obvious alternate routes where blocked in various spots by back packers and even a group of school children on a field trip. I was overcome, falling to my knees and covering my head with my arms. This could not be happening. If I could not get to Bella to warn her, or change our plans, she would never forgive me. She did not give her trust easily, and if it appeared that I stood her up, the small amount of trust we'd built would be lost forever.

"Alice, did you bring your phone?" I was desperate. I would call Carlisle for help. He would help me without any questions and I could explain the circumstances later.

"No Edward, I didn't think to bring it. Sorry," she whispered remorsefully. That was my second mistake. I never brought my phone when I hunted but I should have been more prepared given the gravity of the day.

"I didn't either," I admitted quietly. I could hear Alice's thoughts. They echoed my own. She knew what this would do to Bella, and to my chances with her. "It really does feel like I'm challenging fate at every turn trying to be with her." I should have been prepared for anything. I should have known that I could not count on any situation to be easy or occur without problems.

"No, that's not true. This is my fault. I should have looked wider out, challenged a larger number of questions. I was too resigned to the idea that the hunt was the most dangerous risk for us. I wasn't looking for the weather. Maybe if I'd concentrated more on Bella…" Her voice trailed off and I watched the images flip in her mind again as she focused on Bella. She was in front of a mirror, doing her hair, pulling it in large chunks through some sort tool. She looked happy…excited…beautiful. She was wearing a lovely blue sweater that complimented the paleness of her skin perfectly. "She looks happy," Alice whispered, even though she knew I could see it for myself.

"Mmm," I agreed solemnly. She pushed further forward, pulling out an image of Bella at the restaurant, watching the sunset start over the Pacific. She handed a leather billfold to a waitress with a tight smile, seemingly knowing I wouldn't make it or giving up on me. I hated the thought of hurting her, of disappointing her. I could deal with her anger, but not her upset. "Alice, can you…tears. Will there be tears?" I hated to ask but I needed to know how upset she would be.

"No, no tears that I can see, not based on what you're thinking anyway. If you change your plans then I can't promise she won't cry. Right now all I see is anger." At least there was that. I knew the impossible obstacle I was up against.

We set out for home, weaving and avoiding and looping through the forest homeward. I was irritated by the number of people we had to run around. The forest was like home to me and they felt like intruders today. I felt the need to rush, which was a pointless action. The sun would still hold me captive and prevent me from getting to Bella. I pondered risking the exposure but I knew I couldn't. My skin would frighten Bella. Her anger at my lateness would be easier to combat than her disgust at what I was.

When we finally arrived home I changed my clothing swiftly and waited in the Volvo. As soon as Alice signalled that I was safe I took off after Bella. She was already on her way home as I tried to intercept her. She would not acknowledge my presence although I was quite sure she'd seen my car in her rear view mirror. She pulled her truck into the driveway instead of parking at the curb as she normally did. It didn't occur to me what she was doing until she parked the truck right up beside the house and by then I was too late to prevent it. She flew from the car and into the house, slamming the door with a resounding thud that rattled the storm door. She was safe inside the house but I had no idea how to get to her now.

I made my way to the porch and knocked softly on the door. I knew she wouldn't answer but I didn't know what else to do. There were no sounds coming from the house so I had no hint about what she might be doing. I knocked a second time, more loudly but still respectfully. "Bella," I called softly. "I'm very sorry. Please let me explain and apologize."

There was no reply, and my ears registered no movement or sounds of any kind. I walked around to the side of the house and knocked on the side door, repeating the same soft knock that went unanswered, a harder knock that was also ignored and called her name with an apology, that also went unacknowledged.

I pulled out my cell and dialed her number. I heard her footfalls on the steps, and then shuffling along the floor towards the ringing telephone. "Hello?" she answered in a hushed tone.

"I'm sorry Bella. Please let me explain." The phone went dead. Truthfully I didn't know what I would say. I had no truthful explanation I could share but at least now she knew that I was aware that she was inside.

"Bella please talk to me. I know you're in there. I can explain." Whether I could explain fully enough to get her to forgive me was entirely another question. As expected, there was no reply.

I pulled out my cell again and redialled the house number. I could hear it ringing from inside the house and I let the ringing continue, knowing she wouldn't answer the call but knowing also that the ringing phone would irritate her. I wasn't sure that I should be pushing her in her already agitated state but I had few options before me that were doable. In the past, irritation had always provoked a response eventually.

"I'm not going anywhere until you at least talk to me."

"Fuck you!" she growled. Her voice came from far away, perhaps upstairs. I don't think I was meant to hear her, but she didn't know how sensitive my ears were.

"At least let me explain please," I called sweetly. Even I was starting to get irritated by the ringing phone. "I'm just going to let it ring until you answer it."

"Asshole," she muttered. I heard movement again, the creak of what I assumed was the stairs and her socks scuffling along the carpet. "That's what you think," she whispered under her breath. Then there was a small bang followed by a sharp snapping sound. The ringing stopped. She must have pulled the cord of the phone out.

"Damaging Charlie's property isn't going to make me stop," I explained. I heard her huff and then the shift of furniture moving along the floor. I assumed that she must have sat down in the kitchen rather than go back upstairs. She must have believed me that I wasn't going away, and I began to hope that I was softening her resolve.

"Bella, please let me in," I petitioned softly. "If you still want me to go after I apologize then I promise to leave."

"Why don't you just leave now asshole? There is no fucking way I'm talking to you," she whispered. I found her audible self-talk endearing and rather ironic. It was exactly the sort of thing I would normally hear from someone's thoughts, but I'd never been able to hear Bella's. Whether it was her anger or irritation that was feeding the constant babble of ideation I wasn't sure, but I was grateful nonetheless.

"I'm not leaving," I corroborated her thought. "Not until you talk to me."

"Like I'd give you the fucking chance to talk to me." I stifled a laugh since she was doing just that. "Leave me sitting at the fucking restaurant all by myself," she muttered.

"I was with Alice. We got stuck…" I wasn't sure how much more I should say. Anything more and I would be lying. "I would have called but I forgot my cell."

"Of course you _conveniently_ _forgot your cell_," she sneered, imitating my voice to express her annoyance.

"I would have called Bella. You know me. I'm not the sort of man to stand a woman up." I tried to sound confident without being overbearing. I wondered if she was even able to see things from my point of view in her angry state of mind. If she thought about it, she would know I was not the sort of man to be disrespectful to a woman, or at least I hoped that she would know that.

"_I'm not the sort of man to stand up a woman_," she mocked under her breath.

I opened the screen door and stepped to the heavy wooden door, knocking lightly. "You know me Bella."

"I thought I did," she murmured. All I could hear now was her sadness. I had disappointed her and she had lost faith in me.

"You do. Please open the door Bella." I banged loudly on the door in frustration. "Please?"

"Go away!" she yelled. I sighed lightly. At least she was speaking to me now.

"Bella, please just give me the chance to explain and if you're still angry with me then I'll leave. I promise."

"I don't want your fucking explanation Cullen. I want you to go away!"

"You don't mean that. I know I screwed up Bella. This is my fault. You know I wouldn't have done that to you if there was any way to prevent it."

I heard her feet shuffling against the carpet and when she spoke her voice was much louder. "There was!" she snapped. "Don't fucking ask me out on a date when you don't plan to show up."

"Bella, you can't think I would ask you out and then purposely not show up. I'm not cruel."

"Yes, you are Edward. You're a fucking prick."

"I know you're angry. If it makes you feel better to call me names then go ahead. I apologize for being late. If there were any way to prevent it I would have. You know I wanted to be there Bella…to be with _you_."

"I don't know shit Cullen. Wait! I take that back. I know I showed up where I was supposed to, looked like a fucking fool sitting by myself waiting for my date to show up and he never did."

"I'm here now," I offered, since the apologies didn't seem to be working.

"Go home Edward," she yelled.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella."

"You said if I let you explain that you'd go away if I didn't want you here. I heard you. You were with Alice and couldn't call. Now go away!"

"I asked you to open the door so I could speak to you and then, if after I explained, you still wanted me to go home I would. Please Bella. Just let me speak to you instead of to this damn door."

The door flew open. "I fucking heard you," she growled. "Now go away."

I reached out for her hand without thinking. I just wanted to try and soothe her, but because she was angry she didn't want me to touch her. She was tugging on her wrist immediately, trying to get it out of my grasp. "I'm so sorry Bella. Look in my eyes," I requested softly and sincerely. "You'll see I'm not lying." I let her pull her wrist from my hand because I would have hurt her if I tried to hold on with the way she was pulling.

"I don't think you're lying. I just don't give a shit." Her eyes were ablaze with her anger.

"I don't believe you," I whispered, knowing she way lying but still feeling hurt as if it were the truth. "I know you care for me and I know I hurt you by being late and I'm very sorry Bella."

"Fine," she spat. "Apology accepted. Now leave!"

I didn't understand why she was pushing me away if she was forgiving my lateness. "If you accept my apology, then why do you want me to leave?"

"You're not hearing me Cullen. _I…don't…give…a...shit_." She said each word angrily, distinctly, over enunciating each syllable as if I were stupid and wouldn't understand the words.

"What do you mean?" I prodded, understanding the words but not the reason.

"I mean just what I said. I don't give a shit," she explained matter-of-factly. "I don't care enough to waste my time making small talk with you. There's no reason for you to stay, which is why I said you should go, so buh-bye." She waved her hand and shot me a sarcastic glare to emphasize her point.

"You know I don't believe you," I replied, trying to sound as casual as she did. "You're just angry."

"Humiliated, yes. Angry, no," she denied. "A date was a stupid idea. You saved me the hassle of trying to make two hours of small talk and watching you speak with parsley in your teeth not knowing what to say. So…really…just thank you. Now go…"

"Bella," I impugned.

"It's not going to work Edward," she informed me decidedly. "Give it up."

"Give what I up?" I asked arrogantly, having trouble controlling my emotions against her lies. "You're the one who's hiding."

"Fuck you," she spat. "In fact, screw your whole damn attitude while you're at it."

"Angry, just like I said," I stated smugly. "If you truly think the date was a bad idea, then prove it. Kiss me."

"I have nothing to prove," she declared flatly.

"Humour me then," I challenged. "If you truly have so little interest in me, then show me by kissing me like you'd kiss any other. If I mean nothing to you, then shouldn't it be evident in your kiss?"

"You are so fucking full of yourself," she seethed. She was trying very hard to sound disgusted but I knew she was just hiding behind her anger and hurt. If I could get her to kiss me then I might have a chance at breaking through her anger. At this point it was the only hope I had.

"Maybe I am," I allowed, "but I still want proof."

"Fuck your proof!"

I went into overload and turned on all my allure knowing Bella would be susceptible to it. I worked hard to layer my expression with confidence and desire and charm. I hoped it would be enough to call her bluff. "Please Bella, for the sake of argument."

"Will you leave then?" she demanded angrily, her hands on her hips.

"Yes." I amended the arrangement in my mind. I would leave if I was satisfied that it was what she really wanted and only if she was telling the truth.

"Fine," she spat. She stepped forward and pushed up on to her toes and kissed me forcefully on the cheek. I chuckled, amused by her very transparent attempt to dodge kissing me.

"I assumed you knew I meant on the lips," I iterated in a purr. I smiled at her, her favourite smile, the one I knew affected her the most strongly.

"Whatever," she hissed. She grabbed my jaw forcibly and pulled my face towards her, crushing her lips to mine. It was not at all like the way she normally kissed me. There was no passion behind it, no feeling whatsoever. She merely wanted to get it over with and held her breath, shoving her mouth at mine haphazardly and mechanically. She pulled back from me and poured on the sarcasm. "Happy?"

I wiped my mouth brashly and purposefully, knowing it would bother her. I wasn't trying to irritate her. I wanted her to know she hadn't fooled me with her lacklustre effort. "Really Bella, you can do better than that," I suggested. "Kiss me like you mean it."

She rolled her eyes and then shot me a glare, and I smiled back at her sweetly. Again she pushed up on to her toes and I inclined my head towards hers, anticipating the kiss as she brought her lips to mine. Her lips were softer this time, more hesitant, but different somehow. At first I couldn't put my finger on the anomaly and resigned myself to kiss her back using my feelings for her, and tried to ignore the alienness of her kiss. I hoped that if I was patient that I would be able to break through her anger, but then I realized the difference. She was holding back, not in effort, but in feeling. She wasn't allowing herself to enjoy the kiss, forcing herself to go through the motions in a disengaged fashion and I was infuriated. I understood her anger. I understood that she felt that I had wronged her intentionally. I even understood on some level her need to push people away to protect herself, a twisted form of self-preservation if you will. What I could not understand was why she would wilfully withdraw her feelings from the kiss just to be right. Was it so important to her to prove me wrong that she was willing to disregard the feelings between us and live a lie? I wasn't demanding that she love me, simply asking that she allow herself to be truthful with how she felt.

My arms wound around her waist and I pulled her to my body. She thudded dully against my chest, and her arms hung limply at her sides. It was just more proof that she was holding back emotionally. She didn't try to touch me in any way. She allowed me to tuck her body into mine, but she did not press herself against me, as she normally would have. I flicked my tongue against her forced kiss, and she parted her lips slightly, allowing me to push my tongue into her mouth. I was met with no resistance. Her tongue mingled with mine minimally, no pressing, no twirling or fighting. If not for her taste on my tongue I wouldn't even be sure that we were involved in a kiss of that depth. It was completely one-sided.

I pulled her more tightly to me, too tightly, struggling against my anger. She fashioned no response of any kind, no tiny whimpers or tightening of her non-grip or increased pressure from her lips. My frustration was exploding inside of me exponentially. I didn't know how to fight against her stubbornness. All I knew was that I did not want to lose her. I let one hand stray up her back, tangling into her long hair, and twirled it around my fingers. It did nothing to change her holdback, but everything to ignite my own desire. I moved my hand to her neck, pushing and pulling her hair every which way so I could make contact with her skin, moaning softly against her lips when I finally felt it under my fingers. It's warmth and silkiness was a reminder of what I stood to lose if I couldn't get through to her. Her head moved minutely against the pressure of my hand. It wasn't enough. I needed to bring a bigger response. I need to make her come undone.

I pulled back my intensity, softening my efforts in an attempt to reign in my anger and show her the respect and care that she deserved. I cupped her soft cheeks with my hands, stroking them with my thumbs while I kissed her softly, reverently, and lovingly. I sucked gently on her bottom lip, persuading it between my lips with a delicate pressure, sweeping my tongue across the length of it tenderly. I could feel her face tense and pull back the tiniest bit but I couldn't tell if it was a positive or negative response. I released her lip and kissed her again, pushing against her tongue, testing her responsiveness. Her tongue acquiesced but offered nothing in return. I dropped my hands from her cheeks and snaked my arms around her waist. I wanted to make her feel safe and loved but I was failing. Every movement was passive. I was at a loss. I couldn't make her feel anything and I was going under, overwhelmed by anger and dread and helplessness.

I ripped my arm from around her waist and forced one of her arms up my body, pressing and flattening her hand against my neck, silently willing a response from her while I pressed against her tongue with my own, growing more desperate for her affection. She did not remove her arm from around my neck, but it lay there involuntarily and lifeless. I bit back a growl at her intentional disregard and unresponsiveness. I pressed myself into her body further. I could feel every part of her against my body, her breasts crushed against my chest, her hips straining against my thighs. She felt right against me, like she belonged there. Why couldn't she feel it too? And if she could feel it, then how could she resist it? I started to question everything, searching furiously for the action that would sever her disassociation. I pushed her other arm up my body in a similar fashion but there was no change, just complete vapidity. I pulled back from her mouth and growled against her lips. "Kiss me dammit!"

My mouth came down on hers roughly, confronting her unwillingness and denouncing her apathy, daring her to not hold back. I had no purchase so I grabbed at her hips and pulled her out of the doorway, backing her up to siding of the house. I pressed my body into hers again, using the unforgiving surface to sandwich her against me. I was using everything I had in me to goad her reaction and still she remained unmoved by my actions. My finger found her chin and pulled it upwards, repositioning the angle of her head, and I forced my tongue into her mouth deeply, letting the weight of my body rest against hers. The quietest of moans slipped from her throat, passing from her lips like a life preserver, and suddenly everything in me was alive again, all of my love and desire and that pull that belonged only to her.

I could feel her hip bones under my fingertips, and spurred by her soft moan, I let my fingers stretch upwards, hooking under the wool of her sweater, searching out what I had no right to take but desperately needed. My fingertips grazed the waistband of her trousers, and though I knew I was being reckless and that I should stop to keep her safe, I did not. I allowed my fingers to drift upwards and knead into the warmth of the skin of her hips. She gasped loudly against my mouth and simultaneously everything changed. Her tongue moved against mine, reckless and dynamic, and I moaned in pleasure and triumph and relief. Her hands knitted into my hair and she yanked it hard and angrily. I grimaced and tried to remain unaffected because I knew she thought I deserved her anger. I would rather suffer in silence with an angry and alive Bella than have her return to the passivity and obsequiousness of the girl that had finally disappeared. Her hips pressed against my hands, filling my fingers with more of her silky warm skin and I groaned, unable to control my lust-filled reaction to the feel of her bare skin.

Like every time I touched her, I ached for more. I slid my hands upwards, tracing the curve of her hip, fondling her delicate flesh with my fingertips as they moved along her skin. She hissed at the contact and pulled her body to mine more tightly. There was such divine relief in the feeling of her reacting to me. I revelled in the force of her tongue as it pressed against mine passionately and the pressure of her diminutive form as she tucked it into the contours of my body willingly. I pushed my hands to her waist, glossing over her delicate curves and bringing my hands to rest on the small of her back. Every stroke of my hand filled me with such ardent desire that I knew I had to still my hands or I would lose complete control. She urged me on with her hands, bringing them to my waist and yanking out my shirttails. Her hands swooped under my shirt avariciously, in search of the same thing I had been. Her hands trailed up my sides, pressing and feeling and caressing every inch they could reach. The contact was glorious.

She wasn't happy with my still hands, whimpering and grinding her hips into my body. Just like me she wanted more, one touch was never enough. I allowed my hands to slide upwards from her lower back, breezing over her skin with feathery caresses. I could feel every bit of her there between my hands, the bumps of her spine and the fabric of her bra and the soft perfection of her exquisite skin, so warm and smooth and desirous under my fingers. It would have been the sweetest surrender to just let go into that moment, but I knew I couldn't. I was already risking Bella's safety by testing my control. As much as I wanted more, I knew I could not take more tonight.

Her hands smoothed over my skin and I could feel her body pulling away from mine as her fingertips drifted between us and across my chest. I mentally battled with her physical displacement, wrestling with my fear that she was still resisting us. It's what she did. I wanted to keep her in the moment, keep her focused on her feelings and away from her thoughts. I pulled her hips against me and eased up on my kiss, taking her top lip between my own and sucking gently. My focus was wavering under the sensation of her touch as she followed my musculature with her hands, tracing the indentations of each contour with a light pressure, as if she were reading Braille. I moved my hands along her back, glossing up and down, over and over again, caught up in the intensity and pleasure and excitement between us. Her fingers found my nipples, circling around the aroused flesh, stroking it repeatedly and I hissed at the titillation. I felt her lips pull into a smile against my mouth. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was rejoicing in the ability to elicit a reaction.

My tongue pushed against hers again, and she twirled and fought and pressed against my efforts with equality. I removed one hand from underneath her sweater and buried it in the hair at her neck, pushing her face to mine and pressing her against my body with the hand on her back. She moaned softly and I was nearly undone, dangerously close to losing control. The only thing holding me back from complete submission was my desire to keep her safe. I wanted to own every bit of her.

She pulled back suddenly, perhaps intuitively sensing my circumscription, letting her hands fall down my body, caressing my stomach on her way by before removing her hands from under my shirt. Her tongue pushed mine out, closing her mouth off but continuing to kiss me softly with swollen puckered lips. Her kisses were sweeter, reverent, and satisfying, like licking your fingers after eating chocolate or candy so you can enjoy every last bit of the sweet treat. Finally she pushed me away gently, using her hands on my chest to space our bodies. We were both panting, chests heaving against one another, so I understood the need for the separation even if I hated it. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me with dark iniquitous eyes. I stared back at her, trying to understand what she was showing me, but I did not.

After a few moments she stepped away form me completely, smoothing out her sweater and tossing her hair over her shoulder. "There. You got what you came for, so you can leave," she announced harshly.

"What I came for?" I asked, confused by her abrupt shift in mood once again.

"You apologized. I kissed you like you asked. We both know that's what you came for…to get off. So go on home now, you got what you came for."

"Bella? You can't think…" She cut me off before I had a chance to repudiate her accusation.

"Seriously, get the fuck out. We aren't ever going to be more than this." She moved her hand back and forth between us, referring to our physical closeness and the explosive heat that seemed to burn between us. "And I don't care enough about it to work this hard. It's just too fucking big a headache." She turned to leave and I grabbed her wrist. Her eyes shot to mine with that same warning glare that she'd given me that day in the supply closet at school. She pulled her wrist back from me and rubbed it unconsciously, and although I was sure I hadn't hurt her I was dumbfounded by her actions. "I'll see you around Cullen."

She disappeared into the house leaving me reeling and alone on the porch. I stood there a long while, hours possibly, trying to understand her actions. There was no fear that she did not care for me, nor was there any doubt that she had been lying through her teeth when she suggested she didn't care. I knew she was stubborn though, and what I doubted was whether she would ever allow herself to take a chance again.

I wanted to make sure she was okay before I left and the door was not an option. I could not afford to leave any evidence of my trespassing. I scaled the house easily, using the porch's overhang to hoist myself up to the second floor. As luck would have it, the window that I stood in front of was hers. I slid it open and climbed in to her bedroom quietly. She was on the bed, still fully clothed, her earbuds in her ears, although no music was playing. As I stood in the corner watching her sleep I was overcome with emotion. I only wanted what was best for her. Could I really be what was best for her considering my nature, her appeal and the push and pull of our relationship thus far? I couldn't help but feel guilty and desperate. I was both. I couldn't decide if I was simply wishing her feelings for me were deep and strong like my own, or if I was merely forcing myself into her life because of what I wanted selfishly. If I loved her as I claimed to, then her wishes should always come before mine. I contemplated my options, to stay and fight for her, to be patient and wait for her to come around, or to let her go. There were pros and cons to each choice, and as I listed them in my mind my heart was pierced by the saddest sound, a soft sob. I immediately reacted, disappearing out the window but I could not leave. I waited and listened as the sobs became louder. From the window I could see her body fighting her sorrow as her shoulders shook and her chest heaved and tears streamed from her closed eyes. She sat up suddenly, awake and upset, scrubbing her cheeks with her sweater-covered wrists to dry her tears. Her expression was alarmed and then just sad and upset when she couldn't make the tears stop. She lamented quietly under her breath. "Why?" she whispered. "No…dammit…no..." Her voice was less than a whisper. She ripped the earbuds from her ears and threw her entire iPod across the room. Was it in anger? In resignation? In resistance? I would never know, prevented access to her mind by some wicked turn of events. Her mind was silent, always silent, and I had never wished more for her thoughts.

I watched her roll on to her side and yank the covers over her body and give into the sadness. The tears must have continued at least a half hour before she finally drifted back to sleep. I was helpless. I couldn't comfort her; she wouldn't let me. I couldn't talk to her; she wouldn't let me in. I couldn't outwardly help her in any way. I had only one thing, my resolve to keep fighting for her. I would not let her go. I would love her and I would be trustworthy and enduring and patient and loyal. I would not give up no matter how stubborn she was or how many times she pushed me away, and if she never loved me back, then I would find a way to be happy just giving of myself to the one I loved. If that was all I would be granted then so be it, but I would never let her go.

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A/N: Reviews are love people. Give me some love!


	21. Standstill

**A/N**: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer's ownership of all things Twilight: Stephenie Meyer νύχτα κατέχει στην ελληνική και εγώ. And though we've established this, I am amusing myself with this. My best friend is Greek. What can I say?

I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer, so says Mr. Darcy, and me. I am sick of looking at this chapter and trying to improve it. It's transitional (across feelings and time) and there isn't a thing I can do about it. And holy crap I just realized it's another 10K. I am definitely not succinct.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lots and lots of hits on the story this week, which is exciting, until I stop to realize that you all are not commenting and then I start thinking 'maybe they aren't liking it?' So colour me paranoid but please review and make a poor author feel a little more happy.

_And welcome to everyone who might have made it over here from the __under appreciated story rec thread at Twilighted(dot)net._

I know you're all waiting for Bella's take on the date. So here you have it, from **Bella's POV**…

* * *

I admit the asshole got me with the phone thing. I didn't think about his cell phone and since I knew he was out on the porch, I figured I was safe to answer the goddamn phone. Obviously I wasn't, so fine you prick, you got me. Colour me gullible. I wasn't falling for his bullshit twice so when he called the second time I just ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I'd tell Charlie it was telemarketers. He hated those motherfuckers so he wouldn't be mad at me.

There was a definite sense of power from staying in the house where Edward couldn't get to me, knowing he was on the porch trying to find a way to make me to talk to him. Don't think I didn't consider leaving the jerk out there talking to himself like he deserved, but I realized if I did that, he would think I was afraid to face him. I wasn't going to give him the fucking satisfaction of thinking he had anything to hold over me. I may have been seriously pissed and humiliated by being stood up, but I wasn't afraid of anyone, and certainly not Edward Cullen. I reminded myself that I wasn't going to give a piece of myself away to him or anyone, and I opened the door.

I really didn't care if he was sorry. I really didn't care why he didn't show up at the restaurant, or why he was at the door. I didn't care what he could offer me, or how good he could make me feel, or what I might be missing out on. It didn't matter if he was right, or wrong, or lying through his fucking teeth about every last detail. None of it mattered. We would never be more than two people who knew how to push each other's buttons. I could see that now. He didn't care about me. He probably wasn't even capable of it. And even if I was wrong, the powers that be were going to make sure that we never got past the ginormous disaster that we always turned into. Fire and ice, oil and water, black and white – you could make a million comparisons but they would all turn out the same way. We couldn't mix in a way that made sense in any lasting way. We could use each other up, burn each other out, smother one another, but at the end of the day one of us would cease to exist. I wasn't willing to lose myself for his benefit.

In hindsight, I wasn't exactly expecting that he'd dare me to kiss him, but I probably should have been. It was the just the sort of shit that the arrogant little prick was about. All I wanted to do was face him and tell him to fuck off and show him that he didn't win. And I wanted to get the whole irritating scene over with so I could put Edward Cullen behind me. I tried to put him off, but I was in exactly the same position I was in with not answering the door. If I refused to kiss him then he would have held it over me, and walked around thinking that he was better than me and he's just fucking not. And maybe I shouldn't have kissed him, or touched him, or let him touch me, but who the fuck cares? I wasn't a stupid motherfucker any longer; I was in control. He came for a fucking kiss and I gave him one. It meant nothing, and I told him as much when we finished, just before I left him standing alone on the porch the way he started. The difference this time was that he had no claim on me.

I went upstairs and pushed my earbuds in and turned my iPod up as loud as it would go. He could bang on the door and scream for me all fucking night if he wanted. I wouldn't hear him. He was nothing to me, just a mistake, the past. Thank God I'd stopped things before I let him manipulate me into really feeling cared about. That would have been as stupid as fuck. I was smarter than that. I was stronger, and capable, and better. I was alone, the way it used to be, the way it always should have been, the way it was intended to be. I had my aloneness and my lines and I would be fine. I squeezed my eyes shut and let the loudness and anger of the music wash over me and take me away, far, far away, away from the pissy-ass town of Forks Washington and towards possibility, towards the future, towards freedom.

Somewhere along the way I fell asleep and the music ended and the dreaming began. I remember an eerie silence and white everywhere. No shapes or objects, just white and grey clouds or fog, and nothing else but silence. I wasn't uncomfortable, but I wasn't comfortable either, wandering into the fog listlessly, almost like I was looking for something, or a way out. His voice broke the silence, calling my name in the velvety low tone that never ceased to affect me. There was still nothing around me, just the mix of pale fogginess that enveloped me. I called for him loudly, turning in circles and searching for him but he didn't answer or come for me. I remember the panic taking over and the tightness in my chest and how it was hard to even breathe. Then the tears started. I fell to my knees and I begged for him through my tears to come and find me. I told him I loved him. I told him I needed him. I told him that I lied when I said he meant nothing and that he was everything to me. And then he appeared in front of me in his pale leather jacket and dark jeans, wearing my favourite crooked grin. He bent down to me on one knee and I whispered, 'You came for me.' He nodded and held out his hand to me and whispered, 'Look into my eyes Bella. You'll see I'm not lying. You're the one who's hiding.' I reached for him and he disappeared in front of my eyes. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and massive sobs ripping through my chest and his words echoing through my head. I was still clothed and my earbuds were still in and I was still alone. I pushed the tears aside and dried my cheeks with my sleeves but it was no use. The tears just kept coming and there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do to stop them.

Even in my fucking dreams he knew I was lying and it just wasn't fair. "Why?" I murmured. Why did he have to know me so well? Why did I ever let him close to me? Why did I think for once things might actually work out? I shook my head trying to get his words out of my head. "No…dammit…no…" There was no volume to my voice, no strength to force out my hollow conviction. There was no honesty in my words and I knew it. I yanked my headphones out and whipped my whole iPod, earbuds and all, across the room at the wall. Stupid Edward and his truths! I didn't want him to know me so well. I didn't want to dream about him or cry for him or hear his words in my head. And I absolutely fucking refused to acknowledge the truth because I knew it would break me. Somehow I needed to find a way to flip the truth on its ass, and I needed my anger to do it. I would never get over him without it. I knew him. He was going to come for me every day, chip away at me and try and take his piece of me. My anger was the only thing I had to fight back with. I couldn't allow him to take anything from me, not my heart, not my pride, not one single part of me.

I need to flush him out of my system though, so just for tonight, I let myself cry; one last outpouring of emotion in honour of what would never be. I rolled on to my side and pulled my comforter over me and just let the sadness and dread and helplessness take me. I was alone and no one would know if I cried myself to sleep. I cried until I had no tears left and I said my goodbyes to Edward and to the dreams I'd let myself hope for. I made peace with it the only way I knew how and resolved to go back to being closed off and cold. I replayed every shitty thing he'd ever said or done to me to remind myself of who he really was and built that wall back up brick by brick, and tear by tear. It was the only way.

*****

It's amazing what you can convince yourself of in the wee hours of the morning, some seriously stupid things, I'm telling you. I, for instance, convinced myself that I wasn't spending enough time with Charlie and invited myself to go fishing with him on Saturday. I sat in his boat covered in bug spray and sun block, wearing his stupid floppy hat with all his picky fishing lures that were poking my head and making my scalp itchy, and sweating to death in the ugly oversized chest waders he insisted we'd need that we hadn't used yet, trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking last night. I needed to rethink the whole making major entertainment decisions in the middle of the night idea, although avoidance was high on my list of things to do today, so it was a trade off.

"What? You look cute," Charlie smiled.

"Fuck you," I laughed. "I'm smelly and sweaty and your idiotic fish lures are poking my head."

"Okay, so maybe not 'date cute,'" he agreed, using air quotes to stress his point. He thought he was so hip and he was so not hip. "But you look ready to catch a fish."

"Are we there yet?" I complained.

"Yeah, climb out kid, but move slowly. Those waders will stick in the mud when you move and seeing as how the boots on those fuckers are a good six sizes too big for you, you will go face first into the water if you get your foot stuck."

"Gee, thanks Charlie." I rolled my eyes at him and questioned my sanity as I slowly eased my body over the side of the boat backwards. The boat began to rock and I could feel my balance shifting unsteadily, but Charlie's hand came out to steady me.

"Good shot Bells. Now grab your rod and head towards that grass over there."

I waded out towards where he'd pointed, trying to not press my feet too hard or too long in any one spot to avoid getting stuck. I could see what Charlie meant. My boot formed little pockets of suction in the mud at the bottom of the river. One wrong move and I was going to face plant. He followed behind me so he could show me how to cast and then guided me towards a small inlet that was easily maneuverable and left me to work it out. I could see the appeal after a little while. It was ultra quiet except for the babble of the moving water. I closed my eyes and listened harder. I could hear a few birds and the buzzing and clicking of the cicadas, but other than that we were alone. There were no other people around and I didn't have to worry about running into anyone or being caught off guard by anyone or even having to talk to anyone. It was peaceful. By the end of the day I was glad I'd gone with him, and Charlie caught some fabulous fish that I told him I'd cook for dinner.

"I had fun today Bells," Charlie mumbled from behind the newspaper he was reading at the kitchen table.

"Yeah, um, me too," I agreed, moving around the kitchen as I prepared dinner. "Sorry I kind of sucked at catching fish."

"It's more about the journey," Charlie offered, and I understood what he meant. "So there's been something I wanted to ask you about."

I gulped. I could tell by the tone in his voice this would be no easy conversation. He already sounded uncomfortable. 'Mmm-hmm?"

"That crying the other night…you ahhh…" He stopped to clear his throat. "Those tears weren't over your Mom were they?" I was glad my back was to him because my mouth popped open and I'm sure that my eyes were as big as saucers. "Did you want to tell me about it?"

"There's nothing really to tell Charlie," I lied, wanting very much to not delve any further into the uncomfortable subject of Edward Cullen.

"Was it over a boy?"

"What?" I choked out.

"I'm guessing it's the same guy that fixed your truck?" he surmised. I guess I was under the misapprehension that because Charlie didn't ask many questions that he didn't notice things, and clearly I was dead fucking wrong. "I would have helped you kid."

"I know. You were working late that night and I got stuck at the side of the road. I had no phone to call you or I would have."

"So who helped you?" He pulled one corner of the newspaper down to look at me while I answered.

"A guy from school." I had a silent conversation with my cheeks. _Please don't blush, please don't blush, please don't blush_.

"Bells, he's not '_just a guy'_ if he can make you cry like that."

"I never said he was the one who made me cry." I knew I sounded defensive and was completely wasting my time trying to deny anything.

"You didn't have to." He smiled widely at me, all parental and shit. "Do I get to meet him? I sort of owe it to your Mom to stay on top of who you're dating…and make sure you're being safe..."

"We're not dating."

"People aren't necessarily…what I mean to say is that sex and dating aren't always mutually exclusive." He said it so matter-of-factly I wondered if all men were just born with some gene that made them insensitive to women across the board.

"You think I'm having sex?" I laughed, hoping the mere suggestion of it might make him shut the fuck up and change the subject.

"It wouldn't be the first time that a kid your age was sexually active. It wasn't exactly a conversation I wanted to have with your Mom. I figured your love life was between you and her, but now that she's gone…well…"

"Can't it just stay between me and Mom?" I pleaded.

"I don't need to know the wheres and the whatnots," he assured me. "Just your assurance that you're being safe. And I can get you to the doctor if you need…" He pushed his hand through his hair roughly. "Protection… And I wouldn't mind meeting the guy, just so I can get a look at him."

"Anything else?" I charged, glaring at him. "For someone who normally stays out of my business, this is pretty intrusive Charlie."

"I promised your Mom, Bells," he stated confidently. He took his promises seriously and I couldn't fault him for that.

"I'm going to work from the assumption that you don't want to have this conversation too often with me, although truthfully I was hoping it would be fornever. Yes, the guy that helped me with my truck is the same guy that made me cry. We aren't dating. We aren't having sex. We aren't even getting along most of the time. I was a stupid motherfucker to fall for him because we couldn't be more wrong for one another. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I never have to see him again." I lifted my eyes to Charlie who was staring at me wide-eyed. "And also I would like to never have this conversation with you again…please."

"So you don't need protection then?" Charlie smirked. I whipped the oven mitt at his head.

"No more than you do."

"Smartass! How would you know if I needed protection?" he joked.

"First you'd have to have a life Charlie, and then you'd have find someone crazy enough to want to have sex with you, and I'm guessing that would be the biggest hurdle right there," I teased. "And for the record, if you _were_ having sex, I would have the decency to be completely uninterested in your extracurricular activities. Just ewww." I shuddered. Charlie laughed at me.

"I know it sucks having to share this stuff with me and not your Mom, Bells, but I promised her I'd take care of you. It doesn't mean we're going to like every part of it."

I nodded and when he looked like he might say something else I cut him off. "Hey, I said please."

"Okay, okay. When is dinner going to be ready then?"

"Ten minutes. Go set up the TV tables in the den. We'll watch the game while we eat," I offered. It would make him happy and at least one of us should be happy. Besides, if Charlie's mind was on the game he would not think to ask me further about my nonexistent sex life. I'd sit through a game for that.

*****

I breathed a sigh of relief when I woke up Sunday morning and realized that I hadn't had any dreams last night. Maybe it was more about keeping him out of my mind than trying to get him out of my heart? The love thing would fade with time. One day it would be nothing more than another scar on an already grievously scarred heart, nothing more than a whisper in my ear of something I couldn't quite place. It would take time, but luckily or not, I had oodles of time on my hands. Maybe the key was keeping him out of my sight? I pondered how I could avoid Edward as much as possible while I ate my cereal that morning.

Sunday was a drag no matter which way I looked at it. Charlie had to work and that left me with way too much downtime. Being alone was dangerous for me in general, and given the events that unfolded Friday, being alone with nothing to do was lethal. It gave me way too much fucking time to let my mind wander to places it shouldn't be allowed to go, to dream dreams it shouldn't wish for, to believe in possibility that didn't exist. It was a serious challenge to keep he who shall not be named out of my head. I worked at keeping my mind focused on the facts, and I tried to center my thoughts on what I had in my life and finding a way to make it be enough.

I piddled around the house. I washed my truck, cleaned my room, did laundry and finished up some homework. That took me all of three hours. Then I started looking for shit to do that would keep me busy. I landed up in the bathroom with some rubber gloves and every cleanser known to man. I scrubbed that fucker from top to bottom. I even sacrificed my toothbrush in the name of clean grout. Logically I realized that scouring the grout with a toothbrush was way over the top but it kept me busy. I sprayed, squirted, wiped, scrubbed, buffed, disinfected, and deodorized every surface, from the mirrors to the floor, until the whole place shone. Did I mention I fucking hated cleaning the bathroom? Even still, it was a way better option than giving myself time to change my mind or regret shit or lose my resolve.

Charlie brought home pizza so neither one of us would have to cook, and we kicked back in front of the TV while we ate. I made excuses after we finished and headed to bed early. I had made it through the weekend with relative ease but I knew tomorrow would be a different story. As much as I didn't want to, I knew I had to break my own rule and think about him. I had to be ready for how to handle things when I saw him tomorrow.

The basic problem was easy – he owned me. I had proven time and time again that I could not control myself physically around him. Even when he kissed me Friday night I enjoyed every fucking second of it – I didn't want to, I tried not to, and I pretty much pretended for as long as fucking possible to be unaffected and unattached and completely emotionless, but he made it friggen impossible not to respond. He just got me. He knew how to kiss me and how to touch me and made it all seem effortless somehow. I don't even think it was where he touched me as much as it was how he touched me. If I had written a fucking manual entitled 'How to Touch Bella Swan If You Want To Get Her Off,' then he had it memorized. If I turned it into a lecture series, he could be a guest lecturer. In fact, I'd probably have to cite him as a reference in the book and grant him the title of expert. But I'd lived seventeen years without being touched like that, and I could live without it again. Notice I never asked myself the question of whether I wanted to live without it, because that was Pandora's fucking box and I was so not going there.

Given my inability to behave myself, that meant I had to come up with some new rules. I liked my rules. In the past, when I'd been smart enough to apply them, they had worked solidly for me. The main goal was to avoid Edward Cullen as much as possible. The easiest change was lunch. No more lunches in the cafeteria. I would eat in my truck. I would avoid the common areas as much as possible. No more sneaking to the quad to look for him. I would search out parking on the other side of the school in order to avoid the lot if it was possible. That left me with biology. I doubted Mr. Banner would let me switch seats with someone, although I might be able to get Mike to switch with me if I agreed to go out with him. I shuddered. Then again, just trying to get Mike to understand that he would be sitting beside Edward and not me might be a hurdle. He wasn't exactly quick witted when it came to picking up on even really fucking obvious things. Besides, I was probably putting too much stock in Mike's crush. Even if he _really_ liked me, he hated Edward. I doubted anything short of sexual favours would sway him into permanently moving seats with me. I was stuck sitting beside Edward, whether I liked it or not.

Of course, even if I had to sit beside him, that didn't mean I had to talk to him, or look at him, or be affected by him. I mean I had done all of those things in the past, but that was before my mental health depended on avoiding those things. The stakes were so much higher now. No looking. No talking. And above every other fucking thing, no touching. He knew how to break me down. I couldn't give him the opportunity. I had to ignore the glorious bastard as much as possible. I would also have to make sure I checked my irritation at the door every day. He knew how to push my buttons. I couldn't stop him from trying, but I could try to control my reaction to it. And if I lost my focus for any reason, then I had to remind myself that we could never be together and survive intact. No cafeteria, no parking lot, no quad, no looking, no talking, no touching, ignore, impervious, and unemotional. That was my plan and tomorrow I would see if I could put it into action.

*****

Monday morning I pulled around the far side of the school and was able to find parking easily enough across the street from the building. I looked at it as a sign of good things to come. Maybe this one time the universe would be on my side. Like I promised myself, I avoided the quad between classes and took the long way around every building, finding completely new routes to my classes. There were moments where I felt like I was being a paranoid fucking idiot worrying that Edward might be trying to track me down, but all it took was one reminder that I was better safe than sorry to push those thoughts from my mind. I ate lunch in my truck by myself with a book, and really just tried to fade into the story and forget the world existed for the hour. There was no point in working myself up before biology, so I did my best to chill and put everything but the story out of my mind. The last thing I did before class was remind myself that I was in control and that he could not take a piece of me if I didn't give it to him. I had to remain unaffected. That was the key to surviving the hour.

He was already sitting at our desk when I got to the classroom and I briefly debated asking Mr. Banner for a new seat assignment, and then offering Mike the best blowjob he'd ever had if he'd switch seats with me. It was just my luck that Mike was absent that period. I tossed my books on the desk and sat down.

"Hello," he murmured, velvet tone intact, totally mindfucking me in one word. I reminded myself that he had no power over me, even if I didn't completely believe it.

"Hey," I replied casually, not looking at him and totally following my rules like a good girl.

"I'm very sorry Bella," he continued. I cut him off, because I was not about to do this dance with him in the middle of class, or ever for that matter.

"I know, and if you don't mind, this isn't really the place to discuss this. I'd appreciate it if you could just drop it." I kept my eyes on the desktop, feeling a bit rude for not making eye contact when I spoke, but doing my best to sound persuasive and confident.

"I really can't drop it Bella. And I appreciate that this is not the place to have this discussion, but since you won't talk to me outside of school I'm rather backed into a corner aren't I?"

"You had your say on Friday," I whispered pointedly. I let my head turn slightly in his direction in acknowledgement but only briefly, and then I forced my eyes forward. I was very careful not to look at him.

"Was that when you walked away or when you pulled the phone cord out of the wall?" How the fuck did he know I pulled the ripped the cord out of the wall?

"That would be when you didn't show up for our date. We all have choices. You made yours." I didn't even have to work to keep my voice even and I was proud of myself for so clearly understanding the connections between what was planned and what actually occurred.

"Or choices are made for us." Way to take responsibility there asshole.

"Whichever, it doesn't fucking matter. What's done is done." I could feel the anger swelling and I beat it back down because it wouldn't help.

"It's not set in stone." There was something in his voice that made me flinch inwardly because I knew exactly what his eyes would look like. "And it matters to me Bella."

"Not to me," I assured him, ignoring the conviction I heard in his voice and the way my name curled around his tongue just so.

"I guess that means I have to care enough for both of us then," he whispered forlornly. I felt like a total bitch for saying nothing to his statement, but there was nothing I could say that wouldn't start a fight, and I knew that would not help. I fought to keep my focus on what was best for me while his words echoed in my head and chipped away at the walls I had put back up.

When class was finished I felt him tap my shoulder, breaking my no touching rule. I shot him a glare thereby breaking my own no looking rule. I sighed; there were so many rules and they were all way too easy to break. "If you don't believe me about Friday you can ask Alice you know?"

I twisted awkwardly in my seat so I wouldn't be able to look at him again, pretending to rummage through my backpack to keep my attention away from him. "I already told you. It's not that I don't believe you, it's that I don't care."

"Not at all?" he asked quietly.

"Nope."

"So you believe me that I'm sorry for being late and that I was unavoidably detained but it doesn't make any difference? I made one mistake and that's the end of everything? No more tries, no more friendship, no more anything?"

I sat up straight and pretended to look at the ceiling like I was thinking about what to say, all just to avoid looking him straight in the face. "We shouldn't have ever tried to force something that clearly doesn't work. It was…a mistake."

"The date that never happened was a mistake? Or everything?" I didn't understand why he was pressing this or what he was trying to get me to say.

I dropped my eyes back down to the desktop. "Trying to make us into something more than we are," I explained.

"Oh I see…I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then."

"I guess." That was fine with me.

"Can I walk you to gym?" That was not fine with me.

"No thanks. I'll walk myself."

"Perhaps some other time then. It was nice to see you Bella. I was worried when I didn't see you at lunch today." He turned and walked away and left me standing there, feeling impossibly more broken without even trying. Without even realizing it, I had braced myself to fight against the way he always fought me, not for his acceptance, and now I was wound up tightly and ready to pounce and there was nothing to pounce on. It was more proof that he and I would never find a common ground we could exist together on, always out of sync, never reading the other's moods or intentions right. It was also more proof that I needed anger management classes, or so said Lauren Mallory and our gym teacher when I took things a wee bit too far in gym. I can't help it if she didn't listen to me when I told her not to push me.

I took my time after school, in no particular rush to get home and begin the process of not thinking about he who shall not be named. When I was unlocking the truck I noticed there was something on the seat and I couldn't remember leaving anything there. I picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it. His handwriting was unmistakable.

"_If you're right, then you're my favourite mistake_."

I never really got his words out of my head that night. I probably assigned every conceivable context to them, and some of them twice or three times. Eventually I just filed them away into the category of once wished and no longer wished for. It was easier to process and compartmentalize his words once they were categorized and didn't sting quite so much, and it didn't matter if they were real or logical or if they even made sense.

The next day was more or less the same. I parked on the other side of the school, took the long way around to classes, avoided the quad and ate lunch in my truck again. I brought my iPod and spent the hour listening to music. It wasn't as good a diversion as the book because Edward would pop into my head where our playlists crossed paths. I decided that tonight I would wipe my iPod and rebuild a new playlist. I needed the music, not the reminders.

We barely spoke during biology, trading a few questions regarding the assignment we were supposed to do together that we were both completing independently. Mr. Banner came to check on us and noticed that we each had to refer to our assignment sheets and that the answers didn't match. He actually lectured us for our lack of cooperation. It was rather laughable. Most kids got reprimanded for talking too much and we caught shit for speaking too little.

"You kids can't expect to learn the basics of this lab if you don't work together. It's a two person job." I really wasn't worried about finishing the work. It had never been a problem before. In fact, I highly doubted we would actually complete it if we had to talk because there were too many personal distractions floating between us. I felt rather responsible for our lack of communication though, and I didn't think it was fair for Edward to get blamed for something that had been my decision so I spoke up.

"It's my fault Mr. Banner. I told Edward to stop talking to me. He was only doing what I requested."

"Edward, is this true?" Mr. Banner wondered.

"No Sir. I encumbered our assignment all on my own." Traitor!

"Well seeing as you two can't seem to work together we'll see if a little detention will get you straightened around." I made a mental note to lie through my fucking teeth next time, or deny shit, or just to keep my goddamn mouth closed.

"But Sir," I complained.

"Isabella, did you want to go for two days?" Mr Banner charged.

"It's Bella Mr. Banner," Edward corrected. If we had been on speaking terms, I would have smacked him because I knew where Mr. Banner was going to go after Edward's correction.

"Two it is. Shall we go for three?"

"No Sir," we answered in unison. I bit back a smile, imagining we were in kindergarten, because that's what it felt like. When class ended he asked if he could walk me to gym and just like yesterday I told him no. It was better that way, but still not easy to be asked or to turn him down. I wished he would stop asking, but there was a part of me that was glad that he continued to do so, the sick masochistic part that wanted to have at Edward, come what may. At least I was smarter than that part of me.

I could sense Edward behind me as I walked to the detention room after gym; all that strange electricity the lurked and lurched and controlled me whenever I got too close to him. It was odd that he was a good fifty feet from me yet I felt it as strongly as if he were beside me. I paused in the doorway of the room and contemplated where to sit. It was relatively empty but I didn't need to fight with the urge to stare at Edward for the whole hour so I plunked myself down in the front right corner. Edward walked by my seat to drop his slip on the teacher's desk and then circled around and sat down at the back on the opposite side of the room.

I tried not to notice my irritation, convincing myself that it was related to the actual detention, but in the back of my mind I knew it was Edward's choice of seat. Again he hadn't done what I had expected. I thought he would sit right beside me and make the whole hour a hand-to-hand combat. Maybe I had pushed him away enough times that he finally understood that I wasn't going to change my mind? Or maybe he instinctively knew what I'd always known, that I wasn't worth the effort.

The harder I tried not to think of him, the more I thought about him. I felt like he was watching every fucking thing I was doing but when I turned my head to check I always found him looking out the window or down at his desktop. He was actually being a pretty good sport about things, and me, well I was driving myself insane with paranoia and confusion. I was actually pissed off by the time I left detention. He hadn't said a single word to me but I was every bit as mad as I would have been if we'd had a full-blown button pushing smack down.

I heard his velvety voice when I was leaving and felt his breath on my neck as he leaned forward to whisper to me. "Bella, are you okay. You look upset?"

I turned at exactly the wrong second and was met by a pair of very concerned brown eyes only inches away from mine. I froze for a second, absolutely stuck in his gaze. "I'm fine," I mumbled, not bothering to care if I sounded impolite, rushing in the general direction of my truck. I was thankful I hadn't parked in the lot or he would have been able to follow me. I was in a full out panic by the time I reached the truck, my mind cycling through being so close to him and the cause of my irritation and how close I felt to breaking apart. I spotted the piece of paper as soon as I pulled my keys out.

"_If I could, I'd whisper 'Please come back to me,' and reach out for your hand_."

That night was far worse than the prior night. There was no mistaking the words he'd used, no reapplying the context to change their meaning. They were targeted with purposeful aim and hit their mark dead to rights center. I knew he meant them affectionately. There was no other context the words could be used in and they were written in such a way that I couldn't misinterpret them as him throwing my words back in my face. It was Edward, being thoughtful and showing me how he felt.

And whether he intended it or not, his words stung a little. I could appreciate the sentiment a little too intimately, and using my own words against me was probably the smartest fucking thing he could have done. It made me realize that I wasn't being fair to him and I didn't need that shit. I couldn't afford to care about fairness right now when I was worried about keeping my head above the water so I wouldn't drown. If I let him take me under I would be caught in his riptide and it would be the end of me.

Wednesday was more of Monday and Tuesday, a same shit different day sort of day. Same parking. Same avoiding. When I went to unlock my truck to eat lunch Alice appeared out of nowhere. She must have been waiting for me. "Hey Alice," I smiled, happy to see her and then sort of took a step back because I didn't know why she tracked me down.

"Is this where you've been hiding?"

"Kind of," I admitted, feeling a bit ashamed of my immature behaviour.

"You can't tell me it's more fun eating in your truck than the cafeteria. There's no built in freak show to gossip about."

"I'm not much of a gossiper Alice."

"Are you okay?" she wondered in a quiet voice.

"I'm fine," I lied, not wanting to ask if she meant in general or with respect to her brother.

"That's what he says when I ask him, and you both have the same unhappy look on your faces."

"Alice," I warned, raising my eyes from the ground to glare at her in a way that clearly indicated that I wanted her to back the fuck off the subject she was trying to broach.

"What?" she charged. "He's my brother Bella, and it's not like I don't have eyes, even if both of you are pushing me away." I was surprised that Edward hadn't confided in Alice. I expected she would know the whole disastrous story.

"I'm not pushing you away," I said quietly. "This has nothing to do with you."

"I may not be the cause, but you hiding from my brother affects me too."

"I'm not hiding from him Alice. I'm just trying to…survive."

"He misses you. And before you ask, no, he didn't tell me that. He hasn't said anything to me about you. Not one word. I just know him." She was full on pouting.

"Did you come to ride me about this?" I wondered, wishing she would stop.

"He's trying very hard to play by your rules."

"Can you please stop Alice? I really don't want to fucking talk about this, and certainly not with you. You're way too biased."

"I'm not biased. I just want you both to be happy, and I'll support whatever it is that gets you there. And no, I didn't come to ride you about this. I'm done. I actually came looking for you to make sure you were okay, and to see if you're a tiny bit excited about the ski trip this weekend."

"That's this weekend?" Why did I ever promise to go?

"Yes. Is it going to be a problem?"

"No, it's fine." Even I could hear the doubt in my forced assurance.

"I know that face. I won't let you regret coming. We will have fun together."

"You and me? What about Jasper?" I wondered.

"Jasper is sharing a room with Emmett and you and I are sharing a room, if that's okay. I figured you'd rather share with me than some random stranger."

"Rosalie's not coming?"

"Rose hates skiing. She doesn't like to wear hats and the goggles 'dent' her hair, or so she tells me."

I hesitated asking but needed to know. "And Edward?" I inquired timidly.

"He didn't sign up." I breathed a sigh of relief. "You might want to ask him though. Just because he didn't tell me doesn't mean he didn't change his mind."

"Ok. I'll ask him today." If I can work up the courage to, that is.

I never found the courage to ask him in biology. We were doing our best to work on the lab together, being courteous and polite and in general behaving like anyone other than who we were. I was snark-less. He was vex-less. It was rather depressing to see what we had turned in to. There was a small and dangerous part of me that missed our regular back and forth, and even though I'd beaten that part into submission, it had survived, intact and festering. Again he asked to walk me to gym and again I turned him down. You couldn't say he wasn't a persistent motherfucker.

I beat him to detention and took the same seat I had yesterday. I told myself I didn't care where he sat but I was curious where it would be. I pretended not to be mortifyingly disappointed when he took the same seat as before. It was certainly going to make bringing up the ski trip more difficult. That was the excuse I used for my irritation and it was really fucking transparent, even to me. I spent most of the hour trying to convince myself to just fucking ask him already, but when the hour was done I still hadn't found the nerve. It was not smart in terms of sticking with my plans to be prepared and remain unaffected. I shouldn't have waited to be backed into a corner by the dismissal of detention where I would have to throw caution to the wind. I grabbed my backpack and rushed out the door, waiting for him in the hallway. It was dumb. It was the opposite of casual. It was so friggen obvious.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there, as if in shock. And I felt like complete shit for the mixed signals I was sending. "I was wondering if you were going on the ski trip this weekend?" I blurted imprudently.

"Did you want me to?" he asked with a smile. It wasn't a smile that said, "Does she really want me to go?" It was one that said "I know you want me to go, don't you?" Any and all guilt I felt about asking something that was really none of my business flew out the window.

"Don't fuck with me Cullen. Just answer the goddamn question."

"I thought this was your time with Alice?" he asked.

"Can you ever just answer a question?" I growled, irritated.

"I didn't sign up for the ski trip," he informed me, smirking. At least the fact that he was enjoying irritating me was normal.

I turned away from him and started to walk down the hallway, but about ten feet past him I stopped and spun back towards him. "You could have just said 'no' and made this easier for me." I didn't wait for him to reply and I never heard him speak as I walked away from him. I know it wasn't his job to make my life easier, but it sure as hell wasn't his fucking job to make it harder either.

Another day, another note.

"_We are a mistake worth making Bella_."

As always he was sure of everything, and I was sure of nothing, except that he was wrong. I know he believed what he was saying and I hated to keep disappointing him. His words were poetic. His ideas were sentimental. His notes were romantic. On a normal girl they would have worked and gotten him just what he wanted. He made it easy to forget that we were no good for one another. He made it hard to hold on to the notion that I was saving him from my catastrophic clusterfuck of a life. He made me want to believe that it could all be as easy as just wanting it, but I understood the difference between wanting it and actually believing it was possible. I knew what we were. Our intensity would evolve like a supernova, exploding into a blinding light and burning brightly in its interim before we met with total collapse. Neither of us would survive.

I had more crazy truth dreams that night staring he who shall not be named. I woke up in tears again, wishing he didn't know me so well and wishing my subconscious would just shut the fuck up, but the dreams didn't change my resolve. I was still dead set against anything that involved Edward and I becoming anything to one another. It was just me being stupid enough to let myself burn by wanting it.

Thursday he said nothing to me at all, just gave me one small smile when I sat down in biology. He had stopped looking at me, stopped trying to talk to me, stopped asking if he could walk me to class. All I had Thursday was his note.

"_I would give up every kiss we've ever shared if you'd give me one more chance_."

I had convinced myself that what was between us was nothing more than a physical thing to him and this note pretty much blew that theory out of the water. If we took back every kiss, what would be left with? Two people who annoyed the shit out of each other and no outlet for our unresolved sexual tension. I held fast to my idea that we were no good for each other and it was hollow and lonely and totally fucking cold, but it was the way it had to be. We couldn't change reality. We couldn't fight fate.

Friday was Thursday on repeat. No talking. No touching. No looking, just like I wanted it and I hated every fucking second of it. I tried to snap out of it and I knew Alice was going to kick my ass if I didn't. I really did try. Friday's note was the worst of the week.

"_I need you. I miss you. Please don't run away from me Bella._"

Total fucking honesty. I could hear his voice in my head saying the words, the syllables he would hold on to, the pleading in his tone, even the intensity his eyes would burn with. He had said those words to me before, 'please don't run away from me Bella.' His words that day had been a guarantee of his acceptance of me and of his belief in us. A week had gone by since our quasi-non-date and even though I had pushed him away and kept him as far away as I could, he was still being thoughtful and respectful and giving. All I could feel was anger at the whole situation. Why couldn't I just fucking believe him?

It took me a few minutes to collect myself but as soon as I did, I drove straight home and gathered my stuff by the front door. I tucked all of his notes into the side of my bag and tried to extricate him and all of my feelings from my mind. I owed Alice that much. She was picking me up and driving me back to the school so I didn't have to leave my truck there over the weekend. I didn't even know that Alice drove so I was surprised when she asked if I wanted a ride, but it was one less thing for me to be bothered with so I accepted her offer. I had enough on my mind as it was, like not killing myself while strapped to two pieces of composite carbon-Kevlar or stabbing myself with the rather pointy poles I was required to carry. The entire notion of me skiing was worse than flirting with disaster. It was like propositioning death. It would be a small miracle if I could pull this off.

I heard the doorbell and grabbed my bag before opening the door for Alice. She was standing on the porch, smiling ear to ear. "Hi Bella. Are you ready to go?"

"As ready as I'm ever going to be," I announced, trying to sound like I wasn't completely terrified of what I was doing. I looked over Alice's shoulder at the enormous red jeep parked in the driveway. "What the fuck is that Alice?"

"Oh that's Emmett's Jeep. He's driving us." She grabbed my bag in one arm and pulled me towards the Jeep with the other. She was practically skipping. I wanted to roll my eyes and smack her but I didn't. There was a part of me that respected her enthusiasm for every thing she did. Just because it was different than me didn't make it wrong.

"Bella, I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Jasper. Jasper, this is Bella." The tall blonde man looked down at me and smiled.

"Hi Bella," he nodded. "I feel like I know you already. Alice has told me so much about you."

I smiled at him, feeling a little self-conscious. "Hi Jasper. Nice to meet you. I hope you don't believe everything you fucking hear." I may as well get him used to my mouth.

He smirked. "Not all of it," he assured me, "but some of it certainly, like your colourful vocabulary for instance." I shrugged indifferently. At least he didn't seem bothered by it. "Alice tells me that you've never skied before. Are you excited?"

"Terrified would be a better way to put it," I admitted. Man-boy came around from the back of the Jeep while I was talking.

"Is this her?" he whispered. Did he think I was fucking deaf?

"Her?" I asked.

"Emmett, this is Bella Swan. Bella, this is my brother Emmett," Alice introduced. I eyed him wryly, wondering what he meant by his question.

"Hi Bella," Emmett smiled. He looked like a child with his big goofy grin.

"Emmett," I nodded, repeating my earlier question. "Her?"

"I've heard a lot about you," Emmett offered shamelessly.

"Then I guess it is me," I laughed. "Alice how much have you been saying about me?"

"Not much really. Just bits and pieces about how we met and whatnot." Emmett snickered. Somehow I think there was more to the story, but I got the distinct feeling that I was not going to be informed any further.

"Let's hit it," Jasper suggested. Emmett grabbed my bag and loaded it in the back and I climbed into the backseat. I saw Jasper offer a hand to Alice and help her in. I was really fucking relieved that she was sitting with me. I really wasn't in the mood to make small talk with someone I didn't know. Alice knew me well enough that she wouldn't press me to talk. She'd fill the silence with all her chatter the way she usually did.

"I don't know why but I figured you'd bring the Volvo," I noted.

"That's Edward's car. I suppose he'd have given up if we asked but I didn't think to. The skis fit on top of the Jeep better anyway."

Ten minutes later we were standing in a line in the school parking lot being counted and herded on to the bus. Emmett and Jasper had unloaded our stuff and Alice and I didn't have to lift a finger, which was kind of nice. Once the bus was packed with everyone's gear and all of the students were loaded into the seats and counted one more time, we started the four-hour drive to Snoqualmie Pass. I silently breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't believe Edward when he said he was coming. I fully expected to find him on the bus and knowing he wasn't on it made it a lot easier to relax. The weekend really would be about Alice and I, and having fun.

Alice chatted animatedly about all kinds of things and really made the drive time go by quickly. She included Jasper and Emmett sometimes too. Both of them seemed to be decent guys. The subject of the third Cullen brother name came up and for that I was thankful. The four of us played cards and Jasper handed me my ass several times while we played poker. I made up for it during euchre though. Emmett was my partner and we were kick ass together, quickly developing a pretty sophisticated way of cheating by means of eye rolling, snickering and coughing. Alice and Jasper came close to beating us a couple of times but Emmett and I pulled it out each time. All in all, I had to say that I was enjoying myself.

We pulled into hotel parking lot just before 8:00 PM and everyone was anxious to get moving and get some skiing in before the slopes closed at 10:00. I told Alice I would check us in and catch up with her after if she wanted to take off with Jasper, but she insisted on waiting for me. I felt bad. I didn't want to be a drag on her night and she'd already spent the past four hours palling around with me on the bus. She wasn't having it though. By 8:45 we'd checked in and were standing at the base of Summit West while Jasper tried to explain the basics of skiing to me. I felt like a total fucktard standing there in my ski boots, positive that if I leaned the tiniest bit forward I would fall flat on my face. I was pretty sure Jasper didn't need to explain shit to me because I wasn't going to make it into my ski bindings. He was amazingly patient with me though. Maybe it was a Cullen trait or some shit? Within fifteen minutes, he got me snapped into my bindings and understanding the general gist of what I needed to remember, including the importance of the plough stop. He and Alice took me up and down the bunny slope a few times, and stayed near me while I slipped and slid and tumbled and generally made a total ass of myself on the way down. It was fun though, and really fucking hard work to stay upright. Alice laughed right along with me and even fell into the snow a few times trying to make me feel better. Emmett must have taken off on his own because I never did see him again that night.

I wanted to give Alice some time with Jasper so I begged off around 9:30, promising to be careful on my own and to meet up with them after the slopes closed. The shuttle dropped me off in front of the hotel and I saw it immediately, Edward's Volvo, parked off to one side of the parking lot. I knew his absence was too good to be true. I knew something would happen to fuck up my easy weekend. The fucking universe would never let me have anything easily, not even one fucking weekend with my only friend. Part of me wanted to track down Edward and tell him to screw off, but what good would it do me? I'd made myself clear a week ago. It was easiest for me if I just ignored him and avoided him, and better for Alice too. The best I could do was to pretend that I'd never seen the car and just go on with my weekend the way I had intended to. And if he wanted time with his family then I'd just stay by myself. I made a mental note to never take anything Edward said at face value again.

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**A/N**: I truly appreciate the feedback so please leave a review if you have the time. And thank you in advance.


	22. Rescue

**A/N**: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

First off, thank you for all of the reviews. I'm so humbled and grateful.

Big chapter, in length and plot, and this has almost 2,000 words edited out (and Word says it's only 12,883 :op). I have realized that I am way too attached though. That's the first step in recovery isn't it? Admitting there's a problem?

**Edward's POV**…

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I'm not even sure how long I watched her sleep, trying to soothe away her hurt with my will. It was wretched to feel so helpless. I considered going back inside but didn't, realizing it would be even harder to leave if she were right beside me. I left some time before the sun rose. I barely made a few hours before checking on her again. I drove this time, hoping she would agree to talk to me. She wasn't home; no one was. I was glad she had no vicinal neighbours that might have caught me peering in the windows.

I checked on her again in the mid afternoon but she was still not home. I came on foot this time and instead of returning home I just waited in the forest behind her house. It would have been pointless to go through the motions of leaving when I knew my restlessness would not ease until I saw for myself that she was okay. She returned with her Uncle a short time later. They had been fishing by the looks of their attire and Bella looked worn out but happy.

I listened intently to the noises that floated from the kitchen. I could hear paper rustling, feet shuffling, the clicking and whooshing of a gas burner starting, metal clanking against metal, water running. Even though I couldn't see her, I could tell Bella was cooking; her footsteps were lighter and she dragged her heels more than Charlie did. He was reading the newspaper by my best estimation.

Charlie's mental tone was uneasy even though their conversation was relaxed. I could not discern the worry of his thoughts, only that they were centered on Bella and something he wanted to ask her. I waited fretfully for him to speak his concerns.

"So there's been something I wanted to ask you about," Charlie admitted quietly. His tone was already thick without even speaking the question in his mind. He was wondering about a night a couple of weeks ago when he'd heard Bella crying and checked on her several times during the night. I was immediately tense. Why had Bella been crying?

"Mmm-hmm?" Bella answered, in her usual one-word fashion.

The results of Charlie's discomfort were audible. He shifted his weight in his chair repeatedly and the newspaper between his fingers crackled continually. "That crying the other night…you ahhh…" He was rephrasing his question in his head, afraid to offend her, worried that he was overstepping his bounds. Finally he settled on the words he wanted, cleared his throat and continued. "Those tears weren't over your Mom were they? Did you want to tell me about it?"

Bella's mouth popped open in shock or surprise, or both. She denied everything. "There's nothing really to tell Charlie."

Charlie didn't believe her and I was pleased he wasn't willing to just drop the subject. "Was it over a boy?"

"What?" She was surprised by Charlie's accusation, judging by the strangled nature of her reply.

Charlie pressed on, unwilling to accept Bella's brush off. "I'm guessing it's the same guy that fixed your truck? I would have helped you kid."

"I know. You were working late that night and I got stuck at the side of the road. I had no phone to call you or I would have." I was glad Charlie had been unavailable that day. It was the only way Bella would have allowed me to help her.

"So who helped you?" Charlie demanded point blank.

"A guy from school." She said it so casually I was almost offended. Charlie wasn't fooled by her blasé reply either.

"Bells, he's not '_just a guy'_ if he can make you cry like that." I felt increasingly more anguished. What had I done to make her cry?

"I never said he was the one who made me cry." She tried to sound forthright but her safeguarding was transparent to Charlie and me.

"You didn't have to. Do I get to meet him? I sort of owe it to your Mom to stay on top of who you're dating…and make sure you're being safe..." Charlie's mental tone was very protective and paternal. He was ready to fight for her whether she needed him to or not.

"We're not dating." No we certainly weren't, nor would we ever be if it was dependent on Bella's will, that seemed to be forever pushing me way.

Charlie's thoughts shifted profoundly and what he was truly worried about became clear. "People aren't necessarily…what I mean to say is that sex and dating aren't always mutually exclusive."

"You think I'm having sex?" Bella chuckled. I could hear a note of petulance buried in her consternation.

Charlie pulled back a little, trying to explain why he was asking, hoping he hadn't handled things wrong by attacking the topic so directly with Bella. "It wouldn't be the first time that a kid your age was sexually active. It wasn't exactly a conversation I wanted to have with your Mom. I figured your love life was between you and her, but now that she's gone…well…"

"Can't it just stay between me and Mom?" She was pleading with Charlie because she did not want to discuss this with him, but Charlie was decidedly determined to get at the truth. I had to smile because I knew exactly what her expression would look like.

"I don't need to know the wheres and the whatnots," he allowed, a hint of unease in his voice. "Just your assurance that you're being safe. And I can get you to the doctor if you need…" I could hear his mental solicitude in trying to speak his next word. "Protection…and I wouldn't mind meeting the guy, just so I can get a look at him."

Bella's outrage was obvious in her tone. "Anything else? For someone who normally stays out of my business, this is pretty intrusive Charlie."

Charlie's mind possessed an amazing amount of respect and devotion in regards to seeing the promises that he had made to Bella's Mother through. "I promised your Mom, Bells."

Bella's voice was rushed as she spoke, uncomfortable and vulnerable in her honesty. "I'm going to work from the assumption that you don't want to have this conversation too often with me, although truthfully I was hoping it would be fornever. Yes, the guy that helped me with my truck is the same guy that made me cry." A part of me wished she hadn't confirmed that fact so fully. "We aren't dating. We aren't having sex. We aren't even getting along most of the time." I tried not to be offended by her overstatement. "I was a stupid motherfucker to fall for him because we couldn't be more wrong for one another."

My mouth fell open. She had just given me the verification that I had been pining for, words I thought I might never have authenticated beyond my own suspicions. She had fallen for me, perhaps not as I had for her, but she did indeed have feelings for me that went beyond the physical, beyond those she had for other boys, beyond even what she would allow herself to admit to me. Something inside me shifted palpably as the pieces came together. The events of the prior night began to crumble - the denial of her feelings, the opposition to the kiss, even the way she tried to ostracize me from her life. They were all invalid, absolute contradictions to her true feelings. Somehow beyond logic, beyond our differences and likenesses, and even beyond what was right and wrong, the human girl that I loved had fallen for me. I had never felt such hope and such fear in all my life. I fled as fast as my feet would take me. Knowing she cared for me changed everything.

I needed a completely new approach towards how I treated Bella, one that reflected her desires. It would require a shift in my thoughts and actions, starting with not allowing myself to check on her on Sunday. She wanted time and space away from me and I intended to grant it to her, as much as it pained me to stay away. I would have to wait for school on Monday to fully understand her mindset, although I think I knew her well enough to know that her walls would be back up. She would be expecting me to annoy her and to badger her to speak to me. I would do neither. I would show her that I respected her. I would not force myself on her, but I would not back off either. I would find new ways, important but not necessarily grand ways, to show her that I cared.

It was clear on Monday that I was not the only one with a new approach to things. Bella chose to avoid the parking lot in favour of the street on the far side of the school and skip lunch in the cafeteria to eat in her truck. At least she could not avoid me completely. There was always biology. I left the cafeteria early and headed to class, not bothering to try and keep up the human façade of lunch. I ached to see Bella; it was the only thing I cared about.

She didn't look at me when she entered the room or when she took her seat. It was clear that she intended not to speak to me. I actually wished that she were outwardly angry with me. It would have been easier to deal with than her forced oblivion. I was still holding on to the hope that she might forgive me when I greeted her softly. "Hello."

As I expected, she did not look at me when she returned my greeting. Her tone was aloof and indifferent. "Hey."

I began with an apology because she believed me guilty of mistreating her and I wanted her to know that I was sorry I hurt her. "I'm very sorry Bella…" She did not allow me to finish my thoughts.

"I know, and if you don't mind, this isn't really the place to discuss this. I'd appreciate it if you could just drop it." She never looked up from the desktop.

I wished I could tell her what she wanted to hear but I could not allow her to think I was giving up on her. "I really can't drop it Bella. And I appreciate that this is not the place to have this discussion, but since you won't talk to me outside of school I'm rather backed into a corner aren't I?"

"You had your say on Friday." Her quiet voice was like a sharp-edged sword, skillfully impaling my hope. She barely turned her head in acknowledgement of her fatal blow.

Her disguise did not fool me. "Was that when you walked away or when you pulled the phone cord out of the wall?"

"That would be when you didn't show up for our date. We all have choices. You made yours."

I knew she would never believe in the innocence of my mistake, but I offered the truth nonetheless. "Or choices are made for us."

"Whichever, it doesn't fucking matter. What's done is done." Her voice was tinged with anger, an odd emotional reaction for someone who claimed she did not care. Did she not see the irony in her choice of words?

It was important to me that Bella knew my feelings could not be undone by anger or empty declarations or even by innocent mistakes. "It's not set in stone... and it matters to me Bella."

"Not to me." No turn of her head. No glance in my direction. Just the lies she told and believed. I would never believe them.

"I guess that means I have to care enough for both of us then." She did not acknowledge my statement nor did I expect her too. I only wanted her to know that I still cared, that I would always care. As class continued I pondered what might get through her stubborn mind. I could only think of one thing and I waited for class to finish so I could share my thoughts. I tapped her shoulder softly and the relief in the contact was rapturous. Her eyes finally turned to mine, flashing with anger and then pain. I tried to ignore the turmoil it caused in me. "If you don't believe me about Friday you can ask Alice you know?"

She turned away from me and continued on the same dishonest path as before class. "I already told you. It's not that I don't believe you, it's that I don't care."

I wanted to denounce her lies but instead I simply challenged her statement politely. "Not at all?"

"Nope." One word. No looking. No honesty.

"So you believe me that I'm sorry for being late and that I was unavoidably detained but it doesn't make any difference? I made one mistake and that's the end of everything? No more tries, no more friendship, no more anything?" I challenged her thoughts, hoping she would at least be honest about where we stood.

She sat up straight in her chair and her eyes moved to the ceiling while she considered her answer. "We shouldn't have ever tried to force something that clearly doesn't work. It was…a mistake."

Perhaps the only way she could pretend to feel nothing for me was to act as if we never existed at all. "The date that never happened was a mistake? Or everything?" I asked.

Her eyes fell to the tabletop. "Trying to make us into something more than we are." At least she couldn't look me in the eye and lie. That was something.

"Oh I see…I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then." I would never again concur that we were less than what we were. Our feelings were real. We were real.

"I guess."

I made one last attempt to extend my time with her. "Can I walk you to gym?"

"No thanks. I'll walk myself." I was unsurprised when she turned me down. At least she knew what I wanted.

"Perhaps some other time then. It was nice to see you Bella. I was worried when I didn't see you at lunch today." I wanted her to know that she was missed.

I allowed myself one indulgence that would perhaps be an annoyance to Bella. There were things I wanted to say to her that felt too private to say in front of the other students. Since she would not allow me any time alone with her I decided that I would leave her a note in her truck. She could read it in privacy, and perhaps the meaning in my sentiments would have greater gravity if she had time to consider them at her convenience. I slipped out of Spanish early and left the note on the front seat. The message was simple. I could not think of us as a mistake, but if that was what we were to her, then she should know that she would be the best mistake I ever made.

On Tuesday I tried very hard to respect Bella's need for withhold in our communication. We spoke only when required to complete the assignment. Still she refused to look at me and I lost count of the number of time I suppressed the urge to lift her chin up so I could look into her eyes. It was agonizing, but I endured for the sake of us, holding tightly to the words she'd spoken to Charlie about her feelings for me. Mr. Banner could see that we were not completing the assignment as intended and accused us of not working together. Bella tried to take the blame but I could not allow it. I was as much at fault as she was. We landed in detention for two days. I wasn't upset by the prospect of two extra hours with Bella but I began to wonder if she suspected that I had spoken up to procure further time with her. I resigned myself to afford her the space she seemed to crave, sitting as far away from her as the room would allow, although I had the advantage of seeing almost every change in her expression through the other detention students. She looked over at me a number of times and I took solace in it. She was betraying her feelings for me whether she realized it or not.

The sentiment in my note that day was more personal to me than yesterday's. I was remembering the profound gesture of her taking my hand in spite of her discomfort. What I wouldn't give to be able to take her hand and ask her to come back to me the way she had to me last week, and even more for her to let me.

On Wednesday Alice found Bella at lunch. I pushed Alice's voice out of my head to give them some privacy. Alice was angry with me for distancing myself from her, but it was for the best. There was a part of me that wanted the aide of Alice's visions to help show me the way, but the larger part wanted to figure things out with Bella without interference and bias from anyone. Biology was much the same as yesterday, but with a little more talking to keep Mr. Banner off of our backs. Just as I did yesterday and the day before, I asked her if I could walk her to gym, just so she would know that I still desired her company in spite of everything. I never expected her to accept and she never did.

Bella looked excessively irritated during detention that day. It took all the control I had not to ask her what was bothering her, particularly during her frequent glances in my direction. I was shocked when I found her waiting outside in the hallway when detention was dismissed. Her expression was a mix of anger and discomfort. She wasted no time making small talk and got right to her point. "I was wondering if you were going on the ski trip this weekend?"

I had purposefully refrained from making a decision about going, struggling with my desire to watch out for Bella and to give her the space she desired. There was also the added problem of Alice. As soon as I made my decision she would see my path. I wasn't sure if she would share my plans with Bella or not. "Did you want me to?" I wondered. I would have loved to hear an honest answer to my question, but it seemed to aggravate her.

"Don't fuck with me Cullen. Just answer the goddamn question." Yes, I had definitely aggravated her, although I wasn't quite sure how I'd done it so wholly. It was a simple polite query regarding what she wanted, not an exam question asking for a calculus derivative or a demand for world peace.

I tried to redirect my answer so she might see what I was implying by my first question. "I thought this was your time with Alice?"

"Can you ever just answer a question?" I had to bite back a smile as she accused me of not answering her questions when she was doing the same to me. The tone of her voice didn't even bother me. She wouldn't get so angry with me if she did not care for me.

"I didn't sign up for the ski trip." I gave her the most honest answer I was capable of, although I wasn't able to hold back my smirk. I made sure to leave room to go on the trip if I chose to with the way I worded my answer, so that I could not be accused of lying. She began to leave but suddenly turned back to me.

"You could have just said 'no' and made this easier for me." My eyes followed her down the hallway as she walked away for good this time. I suppose I could have done that. I thought that I was making things easier for her, but perhaps I still had not gone far enough. I resolved to pull back further, as unhappy as it made me to do so. I wondered if my note would make her even angrier today, given her mood. It was a simple sentiment. I was still having great difficulty accepting the idea that Bella saw us as a mistake, but I wanted her to know that if we were, we were a mistake worth making. What we stood to gain was so much greater than any risk, at least to me.

Thursday was a dreadful day. I said nothing to her at all and it almost broke me. Would she know that I was only trying to make things easier for her as she had asked? I didn't bother to ask to walk her to gym, worried that it would increase her irritation and make her pull back further. Even watching her through the eyes of her classmates did nothing to soothe my nerves. The distance between us was killing me.

I used my note that day to show her how much I valued her place in my life. I wanted to convey that I would give anything for the opportunity of one more chance to win her back, even if it meant starting from square one with her.

Friday she seemed impossibly more withdrawn and upset. I almost gave up my new approach entirely a dozen times that day. I remembered thinking when we first met how horrible her detached blank expression was. I would have taken that expression in place of the pained and almost defeated expression that tainted her features today. I fought the urge to caress her hair and stroke the back of her hand and a hundred other soothing gestures over the course of our hour together.

With my last chance to reach out to her before her weekend away, I made sure she would go skiing knowing exactly how I felt. The words were simple, "I need you. I miss you. Please don't run away from me Bella."

I waited for Alice to leave to pick up Bella before I even contemplated taking the trip. I really wanted to do what was right for Bella, and she believed that being away from me was important. If she hadn't seemed distraught today it might have been easier to consider leaving her to her weekend with Alice, but she did. I was torn.

I had made my family aware of my interest in Bella a few nights prior. It had become obvious that the pressure of keeping my secret was getting to Alice so I called a family meeting to explain my behaviour. Only Alice knew the true depth of my feelings for her, but the rest knew I cared for her. Jasper found my interest in Bella curious because she was a human, but I think he was more open to the idea given Alice's fondness for her. He was wary though, and it would be a test of his will to be around her. Emmett found everything about the situation humorous, particularly that I would be the one to court a human given my disdain of the human mind. I didn't bother to defend her to him. He would make up his own mind regardless of my opinions. Rosalie hadn't spoken to me since that night, and that was fine with me. I'd had enough of her ridicule and petty debasements about five minutes after delivering my news. I loved my sister, but her idiosyncrasies were vain and self-centred and I could not be bothered trying deal with them let alone understand them. My mother and father were outwardly pleased but cautiously concerned. I planned to more fully tell them the story when I found time but since my announcement I was a frequent topic of conversation and discussion between them.

At a smaller physical distance, I would have been able to use my sibling's minds to watch Bella, but it was just not an option here. Knowing Emmett and Jasper would be there to help look after her gave me little comfort. Ultimately, I felt the responsibility for Bella's care should rest with me, and that the deciding factor that pushed me to make the trip to Snoqualmie Pass.

Everyone was already skiing by the time I arrived. Bella seemed to be having fun with Jasper and Alice. I was relieved to see her face clear of the sadness that had plagued it earlier. It was tempting to use the excuse of an hour of skiing before the slopes closed to get a closer look at Bella's happiness but I refrained. Bella deserved the peace. Alice would know that I'd come so I waited for her arrival, mentally preparing myself for the earful she would give me.

I panicked when I saw Bella leaving Alice and Jasper, uncomfortable with the idea of her travelling alone. The large crowd seemed to be largely ignoring her. Anxious, I furiously scanned minds and caught only glimpses of her as she blended into the crowd waiting for the shuttle. I snuck to the end of the hallway to watch for her arrival. When she exited the shuttle she seemed disconcerted about something. I followed her line of sight and understood immediately that she had seen my car and was upset I was there. It was not the reaction I had wished for. Morose, I went back to my room to wait for Alice.

Alice didn't keep me waiting. She was calling me out angrily before she even got back to the hotel. 'Are you trying to make her hate you Edward? You said you weren't coming. Do you have any idea how much damage control I'm going to have to do? I'm going to check on her and then I'm coming for you. Consider yourself forewarned.'

I probably should have allowed them some privacy but I was worried about Bella being angry with me for being there. Alice greeted her softly. Bella rolled to face her with an apathetic expression on her features.

"Hey."

"I take it you know?" Alice wondered.

"Saw his car," Bella admitted quietly.

"I'm sorry Bella. It must have been a last minute decision to come. I swear to you if I had known I would have told you."

"It's okay," Bella whispered abjectly.

"I'm going to go talk to him Bella and tell him to leave you alone."

"You don't have to do that Alice."

"I don't know about you Bella but I'm angry with him. He had no right to come here."

"He had as much right as I did. And I don't want to put you in the middle. Just go and be with your brother Alice."

"Uh, no. I came to be with you Bella. Not him. I'll tell him to leave us both alone."

"I'm really sorry," Bella whispered.

"Sorry? What have you done to be sorry about?"

"I just hate that you are being dragged into this whole ridiculous fucking situation. Now I've ruined your weekend and probably fucked up your relationship with your brother."

Alice sat down on the bed beside Bella and covered Bella's hand with her own. "Listen kiddo, you haven't ruined anything. I don't have a clue what's going on between the two of you and it's none of my business. If you want my help, I'm here. If you want me to ignore the crap out of my brother this weekend, I'm all over it like white on rice. I just want you to be happy. You deserve a break Bella. Don't let him take that away from you."

"Can we just ignore the fact he's here? Just pretend we don't know that he came?"

"If that's what you want, sure. But you're aware that you're going to have to deal with him eventually, right? I mean he's not just going to go away. And I'd much rather go talk to him and tell him to steer clear of us, just to be sure that he knows that I'll rip him limb from limb if he tries to bother you." I laughed out loud at her very pointed comment for my benefit. She knew I would be listening.

"Alice," Bella whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion, "I don't have any family, and I really don't want to come in between you and yours."

"You won't sweetie. Edward needs to understand that he doesn't have control over everything, and I'm just the one to deliver the message to him. You sit tight. I'll be back in a few minutes and we can get back to our weekend." Bella looked reluctant but Alice just patted her hand and left. She prattled on the whole way to my room, likely trying to keep me out of her thoughts. I heard her knock on the door.

"It's open," I called. She walked in glaring at me but I didn't let her speak. "I know you're angry and that Bella is none too pleased that I'm here. I promise I won't get in your way. I just wanted to make sure that she's safe."

"That's what they invented phones for Edward."

"You know that's not the same as seeing it for myself. Besides, you should understand better than most that when it comes to Bella and I nothing is ever as easy as a telephone call."

"You should have just let her be this weekend Edward. She deserves a break."

"I promise you that unless she asks me to talk to her, you won't even know I'm here. Think about it Alice. Would I risk making things worse between Bella and me?"

"Gee Edward, I don't know…how would I know what you would or wouldn't risk since you've so conveniently left me out of the loop?"

"Would you want me in the middle of you and Jasper?"

"That's not the same thing."

"It's exactly the same thing. This is between Bella and me. The two of us have to find a way to work things out if we ever have a hope of making it."

"What do you want me to tell her? She's going to want to know why you're here."

"Well you can do one of two things. You can tell her the truth. Tell her that I love her and that I'm here to make sure that she's safe since I can't read her mind and you were too far away from Forks for me to read your mind," I smirked. "Or you can tell her that Emmett asked for my company and I felt badly that Rosalie wouldn't come skiing with him, and that I didn't make my decision to come until the last minute, worried about how she might react."

"Is that the truth?"

"It's not the reason I came. We both know that, but there is truth in it, and since we can't tell her the whole truth, I think some truth is better than none."

"And I have your word that you'll stay clear of her?"

"Yes Alice."

"I'm trusting you," she mumbled, turning and leaving.

While Alice waited for the elevator, I realized what her night would be like. Bella would need to sleep and poor Alice would be trapped in the hotel room with her.

'Don't even think about it Edward,' she scolded me from the hallway. 'Bella needs her sleep, not you watching her. I'll go next door to Jasper's. You stay in your room like you promised.' I loved my sister, but sometimes her visions were annoying.

It was harder than I thought it would be staying away from Bella that night, knowing she was in the same hotel as me, the next floor down and a few rooms away. I thought knowing she was safe would be enough for me, but it wasn't. Alice checked in with me every couple of hours after looking in on Bella, just to assure me that Bella was fine and to warn me to stay away. It was amazingly difficult to decline the invitation from my brothers to go hang out with them. I wanted to be there, where Bella would be in the next room, but I knew it would be like emotional sabotage. She didn't want me there and she had a right to feel safe, and to have her concerns heard and respected. As much as I wanted to be near her I couldn't. I knew my desires well enough to recognize that the closer I got to her the closer I would want to be. I had to fight with that part of me all night but I stuck by my word and stayed away.

I watched Jasper and Alice leave with Bella the next morning, and observed them at her side helping familiarize her with her skis and with falling, a lot. I struggled with my jealousy, wanting to be the one laughing with her and helping her up when she fell. When Emmett showed up at my door and begged me to ski with him I accepted. I knew Emmett would want to stick to the more advanced slopes and there would be little risk of me crossing paths with Bella. I felt my jealousy ease a small amount in being nearer her.

It was a perfect day for skiing. The winds were almost nonexistent and the snow that had come down over night provided a fresh powder layer that we could dig our skis into. Emmett and I had raced almost every trail in the Alpental and were considering traversing the backcountry when I felt a sudden unease. It was nothing specific, just a sense that something was wrong. I scanned for Alice and Jasper and they were both fine, as was Bella. I couldn't shake the feeling though and made my regrets to Emmett. He headed off towards the Upper International trail for another run while I made my way to Summit West to loiter in the shops and restaurants, hoping to catch a glimpse of Bella. There were plenty of people around so I would blend in; she would not see me. I spent a good hour watching and waiting and hoping she might show up. She never did. I had assumed the easier trails would have kept them in Summit West but I was beginning to worry. Finally, too restless to wait around any longer I moved over to Summit Central. I found Jasper and Alice easily and waited from the to get to the bottom of the trail.

"Where's Bella?"

"She went off by herself," Jasper informed me with a smile. "You should see how well she's taken to her skis Edward. You'd be proud." He was excited for her. It was rewarding on some level that he was so congenial towards her, and I tried to hold on to that feeling while his words registered and alarmed me.

My eyes shot to Alice. "You let her go by herself?" I asked disbelievingly.

"She insisted Edward. I'm her friend, not her keeper. She wanted to try a trail or two by herself. She's earned it. You have no idea how hard she's worked today." Alice's mental tone was defensive. I'd insulted her. 'Calm down Edward. Don't overreact.'

I backed off my emotions as much as I was able because Alice was right. I was overreacting. "I've been watching," I smiled, "but she shouldn't ski alone. No one should. You both know that." I tried to hide my concern in a warning but I don't think I fooled either of them. "I'm going to go look for her."

"Edward no," Alice chided. "You promised."

"I just want to make sure she's safe Alice. I'll stay far enough away that she won't even see me."

"But Edward…"

"I don't need your permission Alice," I growled. I probably should have told her about my sense that something was wrong but she would have just told me I was making excuses, and perhaps I was.

"Edward," Jasper warned. He didn't like the way I'd spoken to Alice. He had every right to be angry with me.

"Sorry. Alice…I have to go. I know you don't want me to do this but I have to." And I was off.

I combed every trail in Summit Central and by the end of an hour and a half I had covered all sixteen of the most advanced trails, taking extra time to scan for her where the advanced trails crossed with the less advanced ones. There was no sign of her on any of them. I went down to the central base area and found Jasper and Alice. They still hadn't seen Bella. I began to panic.

"Do you see anything Alice…anything?" I pleaded. I watched as she focused forward, sheltering her head against Jasper's chest and pushing her mind into the future. There were no images of Bella, nothing concrete or the least bit helpful to aide in pinpointing her location. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. We should have been able to see something.

"I don't know what to tell you Edward. I can't see anything," Alice whispered. "If something had happened I would be able to see it. I'm sure it's nothing." She tried to sound supportive but her worried mental tone betrayed her false assuredness.

I sent Alice and Jasper to find Emmett and get him looking for Bella, and I headed back out. The unease I felt earlier had returned tenfold and I could finally put a reason to it. It was the smell in the air. There was a storm approaching. It would be nothing for experienced skiers but Bella was not amply prepared for it. I kept a faithful eye on Alice's thoughts as she scanned for Bella and the longer her thoughts turned up void of Bella the more uncomfortable I became.

I had already covered the western half of Summit Central amply so I headed up towards the eastern boundaries near the crossover to Summit East as the storm broke. The area was much more tree-covered and closed off than the western half of the summit. After several runs turned up no signs of her, I decided to check Tanner's Pass in case she had somehow taken a wrong turn in that direction. It was a dangerous place for an inexperienced skier with its narrow passageways that cross cut the larger trails. Almost immediately I picked up her scent. If she wasn't in the area, she had passed by the trail very recently. I was so caught up in my panic that the strength of her scent didn't register, and when it finally did I stopped dead in my tracks. It wasn't just her scent; it was her blood that I smelled. In the brief moment it took me to gather myself a hundred thoughts raced through my head. I braced myself for the monster in me to roar. He did not. I suppose my anguished worry over Bella's well-being prevented him from engaging, but I did not care to know the reasons. I questioned my strength, my sanity, my will and my nature, but the only thing that mattered to me was finding Bella. I dug my skis in and slid along slowly, scanning the trees and following the powerfully pungent smell of her blood. Finally I saw her, a good fifty feet into the trees, lying on her side in the snow.

"Bella," I called, accelerating towards her. She did not answer me. "Bella," I yelled louder. No answer. I used my poles to snap my boots out of the ski's bindings and ran to her. Every medical instinct I had evaporated as I approached her. I leaned over her body in a panic, brushing her hair off of her face and inadvertently revealing the source of the blood, a medium sized head wound located over her left eye. "Bella," I whispered. "Can you hear me?" Her eyes remained closed. "Bella, please," I pleaded, "open your eyes and show me that you're okay." If I were capable of tears they would have been pouring from my eyes. I was absolutely beside myself. The only thing that stopped me from grabbing her up and running with her body was my inability to ascertain whether or not she could be moved safely. I ran my hand over her forehead and down along her cheek, cupping the side of her face tenderly. "Please Bella," I begged. "Just open your eyes." Her breathing was deep and even and absolutely the opposite of mine. "Please just be okay," I murmured, staring at her face and watching for any change that might register. "Please open your eyes if you can hear me Bella," I implored.

Rather than open her eyes, they squeezed more tightly shut and I cried out in divine relief. "Bella, are you okay? Can you hear me sweetheart? Open your eyes please?" I begged shamelessly.

"Ow," she murmured.

"Where does it hurt?" I beseeched.

"My head," she rasped, "and my left leg." My hands flew down her body to check her leg for broken bones.

"Does this hurt?" I asked as I squeezed and moved her leg gingerly.

"No, ow, no, ow! Okay yes, ow."

"Bella, your leg may be broken. We need to get it x-rayed." I grabbed her broken ski and snapped what was left of it in two, pulling my scarf from around my neck to tie the pieces into a makeshift splint.

"I don't think I can walk," she admitted quietly, still not opening her eyes.

"I'll carry you if you'll allow it?"

"Yes please." Just like I had the night in the clearing, I scooped her up and tucked her head into my neck, being careful to keep her as still as possible to protect her leg, and I began to walk.

"What happened Bella?" I asked, hoping she'd speak so I could focus on the sound of her voice rather than the overwhelming smell of her blood pressed so close to my face. Her tiny arms came out to hold on to me, and it was the pressure of her tiny hands curled around my neck that re-centered me. The lure of her blood dissolved. She was afraid and in pain and her well-being was the only thing that mattered.

"I got cut off by some guy who was crossing the pass. I corrected my skis but couldn't get them turned back towards the trail fast enough. The passage way was so narrow and I got caught up in the trees. I think I hit my head."

"Well you definitely did something to your head. You've got an inch and a half gash above your left eye. Did you lose consciousness?"

"I'm not sure, maybe?" she allowed. "I don't actually remember hitting my head, just thinking I was going to." That's why Alice couldn't find her. She was unconscious.

"You shouldn't have gone off by yourself. It's not safe to ski by yourself. Jasper and Alice should have taught you that."

"They deserved some time alone," she whispered.

"Don't you know what it would have done to me if you'd been seriously hurt?" I murmured apprehensively, subconsciously pulling her tighter to me. She shook her head and then nuzzled it more deeply into my neck. The sensation almost brought me to my knees. The feel of her in my arms mixed with knowing she was mostly all right and a little bit of affection from her set off every loving instinct in my body. "Does it hurt?"

"Yes, and don't you go thinking I don't know that you lied to me," she charged softly, lifting her chin towards my face so she could look at me. Her eyes were finally opened.

"What?" I laughed, relieved to see no anger or distance in her beautiful brown eyes.

"You said you weren't coming."

"No, I said I didn't sign up for the ski trip, which I didn't. I came on my own."

"Need to be right," she murmured, pushing her head back into my neck. I smiled. In this case she was one hundred percent right.

I brought her directly to first aid. Alice would have seen me make the decision. She would know where to find us. Bella had to be transported to the local hospital to be x-rayed and Alice rode with her in the ambulance. I went back up the hill to get the equipment we'd left behind and then went to the hospital to help fill out the paperwork. Bella's tibia was broken, and I made sure that she was fitted with a removable plastic walker cast so she would be more comfortable. The fracture was hairline and extremely minor; I checked the x-rays myself. I also checked her head CT that showed a minor concussion. I gave Alice my keys and told her to take Bella back to the hotel to rest and call Charlie. I followed behind once the bill was paid and headed to Bella's room to check on her. Jasper was waiting for me, looking rather sheepish and guilty. "She's not here," he whispered.

"Where?" I asked, my face twisted in misunderstanding.

"Alice said she insisted on waiting for you in your room."

"Oh," I whispered, stunned.

"I'm sorry Edward."

"She's fine Jasper. That's all that matters."

"You love her don't you?" he wondered. He didn't expect me to answer nor did I believe he needed me to.

"More than anything else on this Earth."

"For what it's worth, I believe she cares for you." The notion meant a lot coming from Jasper, whose keen sense of emotional awareness was his greatest asset. He must have picked something up from her after they returned from the hospital.

"Thanks Jasper, and thank you for helping look for her. I should have been more upfront about Bella's proclivity to clumsiness." I smiled at his smirk and left to find Bella. I didn't bother to wait for the elevator, taking the stairs four at a time, anxious to get to her.

I knocked softly on the door, feeling cautious about invading Bella's space despite the fact that she was in my room. She might just want to speak to me about infringing on her weekend. I had no reason to hope her object in being here would be anything positive, but I hoped it would be in spite of myself.

Alice answered the door. 'She's been waiting for you, refusing to sleep until she gets to speak with you.' A subtle smile came to her lips. "Come on in Edward." She turned her head to speak to Bella. "Bella, Edward is here. Is it okay if he comes in to speak to you?"

"Yes please," she rasped.

I wanted to run to her but my feet dragged, heavy and slow. I was stuck between two conflicting emotions, elation to be near her and fear that she might push me away again. Choosing to stay away from her of my own accord was one thing, being pushed away by her was wholly another. I stilled at the foot of the bed. She was lying propped up on the pillows, all of her hair gathered over one shoulder and smoothed away from the laceration on her forehead that was now closed with twelve sutures. I studied the doctor's horizontal mattress stitches. He'd done a meticulous job. It would keep the scarring down immensely.

"What are you looking at?" she asked, bringing her hand up subconsciously to cover the cut.

"I was counting the sutures," I admitted. "The doctor did a good job with them." I smiled, trying to smooth out my expression and hide my ineptitude. "I apologize if my staring made you uncomfortable. How are you feeling?"

"Did you want to sit down?" she offered quietly. I didn't really want to but I wondered if it might make her more comfortable, so I moved across the room to sit in the chair by the window. Her brow furrowed a little while she watched me. Had I misinterpreted her question?

"You didn't say how you were feeling?" I asked again.

"I feel a bit like Frankenstein," she admitted, bringing her hand to cover her cut again as her eyes darted from me to her leg, up to her hand and back to me. "I guess I don't do anything half-assed, even if it's something as idiotic as smacking my head on a tree."

"The Doctor thinks that's probably what cut her forehead and gave her the concussion," Alice informed me, for Bella's benefit of course. She'd seen me looking at Bella's x-rays.

"The tree knocked me unconscious and the fall broke my leg," Bella added, chuckling at herself. "Charlie was practically howling when I told him."

Alice took a seat beside Bella on the bed and patted her shoulder. "Did you want something to eat Bella?"

"I'm not really hungry, but I'd love something to drink. Maybe a coke? I think I saw a machine in the lobby." I hadn't thought to offer her anything. I had no idea how often a human needed to eat or drink.

"I'll go," I offered, trying to make up for my lapse in judgement.

"No," Bella blurted, grabbing Alice's hand. "Alice doesn't mind going, do you Alice?"

"Not at all," she agreed. "I'll be back in a few minutes." She smiled at Bella and then turned towards me. 'Behave yourself while I'm gone,' she warned. I smiled in agreement and watched her leave the room, waiting for the soft click of the door before I spoke again.

"Are you warm enough? There's an extra blanket in the cupboard." I didn't wait for her reply, on my feet and crossing the room while I asked the question. I pulled the blanket out and brought it over to her, partially unfolding it between my hands nervously. I felt so unsure of myself, battling with the urge to spill my feelings but afraid to push her too far, wanting things between us to be more than what they were but happy to settle for what this was in place of how we'd spent the week ignoring one another. I draped the blanket over her injured leg gently, being careful to respect her wishes and not touch her. I was afraid to even look her in the face. Instead my eyes watched my hands as they lingered on the edges of the blanket, pulling and adjusting it over her cast. Her tiny hand came out to touch mine gently. The warmth and sensation of her touch spread through me like a slow poison, numbing and paralysing me. I felt like an imbecile, unconfident in my instincts, afraid to say or do the wrong thing and upset her, and not reacting was also wrong. I knew it. I didn't want to dissuade her efforts any more than I wanted to impede them. "I'm sorry Bella," I murmured, finally daring to look at her. She pulled her hand away from me and I immediately regretted my words.

"You don't have to say sorry," she mumbled, her face drawn into a half pout as she watched her hands fidget restlessly in her lap.

"I don't know what to do," I admitted. Her eyes shot up to mine, and her expression was pained. Every word I spoke seemed to have the opposite effect of what I intended it to. I was going to have to start speaking my thoughts more fully if we were ever going to get through this conversation. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you asked me to sit down a minute ago, I did, but it didn't seem to make you happy." She looked away from me, blushing and watched her hands again. "But you seemed happy when Alice sat down beside you. Is that what you intended? For me to sit beside you on the bed?" She nodded, still not looking up. I sat down on the edge of the bed beside her hip. "Like this?" Her eyes moved to mine slowly and she smiled. "I want you to be comfortable Bella…I want you to be happy. I don't want to be a source of unease or stress for you."

"You're not," she assured me softly, and although I realized she was oversimplifying our situation, it felt marvellous to hear her admit that I wasn't just an annoyance.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her again, hoping she'd give me more details. "Does it hurt?"

"A little," she admitted. "The gash isn't so bad, but my head hurts and my leg is throbbing a bit."

"Did you take the medicine the doctor prescribed?"

"No, I didn't want it to make me sleepy."

"Why? You need your rest." She rolled her eyes at me and I rephrased my comment. "With a broken bone, a concussion and stitches, your body could use the rest to help in the healing process."

"If I go to sleep you'll leave, and I don't want you to." Her admission stunned me. I couldn't hold back my smile.

"If you want me to stay here with you, I will. Someone needs to stay with you to make sure your concussion symptoms aren't getting any worse anyway."

"Oh," she huffed.

Another unintentional affront. Again I tried to rephrase my thought to make my intentions more clear. "I would like very much to stay here and take care of you, as long as you're okay with that. If you'd prefer Alice did it, it wouldn't offend me."

"I'd like to stay right here…with you. Is that okay?"

"Better than okay, only I think we need to get you back down to your room."

She seemed upset, her lips rounding into a pout. "Why?"

"For one, you should put on something comfortable to sleep in, because you _will_ be going to sleep," I informed her with a smirk. "It's going to be hard enough to sleep with the cast and the pain. You don't need your clothing making you uncomfortable as well. Secondly, isn't Mrs. Cope going to check on your before curfew?" I raised an accusatory eyebrow at her and waited for her to fight me.

"So if I refuse does that mean you're going to kick me out?" she retorted, smirking. "Okay fine, you're right. You were just dying to hear me say that shit weren't you?"

"Well I don't think it's something I'm going to hear a lot from you," I teased, feeling lighter than I'd felt all week. She started to pull herself up with her arms, dragging her leg off the pillows and shifting her body upwards. "What do you think you're doing?" I questioned brusquely, moving my hand to her stomach to still her. In my haste I'd forgotten myself for a moment and reached out for her in a very natural gesture that was anything but natural for the two of us. The electricity surged between us, and I braced myself for her anger but it never came. She just looked at me wide eyed and frozen. "Sorry…" I closed my eyes for a moment and shook my head, pulling my hand back to my side. "I know you don't want to be touched. It's very hard for me…it goes against my natural instincts."

"Natural instincts?" she asked, her eyes still wide and questioning.

"To touch you," I whispered softly, dropping my eyes from hers. "It's very difficult for me to be so near to you and not reach out for you, and yet, that's exactly what you've asked of me. I'm trying…honestly."

"Why is it difficult?" she wondered innocently.

"You really don't understand how much you mean to me, do you?" I murmured, all of my emotions dangerously close to breaking through the surface. "There's only one thing that I'm absolutely sure about when it comes to you Bella, and that's how I feel about you." I tried to hide my intensity but I'm sure I failed.

She placed her hand lightly on my forearm and spoke without looking at me. "You don't have to work so hard to keep your distance Edward. I shouldn't have let you…what I mean is…I should have been more clear..." She hesitated nervously for a moment, and then looked up at me from underneath her lashes. I doubted that she had any idea how entirely immobilized I was by her gaze. "I like it when you touch me," she whispered softly. The relief in her words was indescribable. I let my finger slide towards her body, lightly tracing a path up her hip with a barely there touch, testing and confirming her permission and my approbation. A subtle smile flirted at the edges of her lips and I was spellbound, captivated by her unspeakable beauty.

"Thank you for telling me. After everything that's happened…" I searched for the right words as I stared down at her tiny fingers brushing along my arm, wondering if she had any idea what she was stirring in me with her simple caress. "It's just that when you touch me, I know what I _want_ it to mean, but I don't want to make assumptions about your intentions. We've done this dance enough times for me to know that I have to let you lead."

"Let me lead?" she wondered.

"I don't want to react improperly or do something to you that you don't want. I'm trying very hard to listen to what you say and give you what you ask for."

She pulled her hand away. "You make it sound like I'm fucking impossible or something." The shift in her tone was explicit, her voice thick with sarcasm to hide her hurt feelings.

"I didn't mean to make it sound that way," I assured her softly. "It's an impossible situation to be in…to want to be with you more than anything but to stay away from you because that's what you want."

"I don't want you to stay away from me," she assured me, surprised.

"I would do anything for you, including staying away from you if that's what you wanted. Your happiness is the only thing that matters to me."

"But I don't want you to stay away from me," she insisted. She always saw things in terms of what she didn't want, when what I needed was to know what she did want.

"In this minute you're sure of what you want, but if I say or do the wrong thing, will you feel differently?"

"I haven't been very fair to you," she whispered.

"This isn't about fairness Bella. We're going to make mistakes, but I need to know…"

"What?" she asked. Her eyes were dark and earnest as they searched my face for some hint of my thoughts.

"Am I hoping for something that's never going to happen?" I murmured. I had to look away from her face, terrified of speaking the words and hearing her answer. "I need to know what you want."

"I want you." The honesty of her uncomplicated answer shocked me. I never expected that she would admit her feelings to me. My eyes found hers and locked on them, drowning in their liquid intensity. "I've always wanted you. I just didn't believe you wanted me." Her voice was hushed and breathy, every word laced with vulnerability and fear.

"I've always wanted you Bella," I whispered assuredly. "You're the only thing that matters to me."

"I know I'm complicated and broken and I probably don't deserve you…and I can't promise you that I won't be difficult…but you have my heart."

"And you have mine. But I want all of you Bella, not just your heart. I want every bit of you…the complicated parts and the broken parts and the parts that feel undeserving. Don't you see?" My voice was rough with the weight of my emotions. I reached for her hand and rubbed my thumb along her silky skin to soothe my nerves. "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered softly. There was nothing but softness and light in her eyes as she stared back at me with the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen grace her lips. I raised her hand to my mouth and kissed it softly, closing my eyes and savouring the sweetness of the moment.

She loved me.

"I can't even find the words…" I began, searching for a way to express the bliss contained within her words. "I never expected…"

"Love is funny like that. It sneaks up on you when you're not expecting it."

"And you're sure?" I questioned sincerely.

"No, I just said it so you'd kiss me. Since that didn't work I take it back" she snarked.

"No you won't," I warned, sliding my body closer to her. I released her hand and cupped her cheeks between my fingers, leaning in to kiss her waiting lips. They were soft and sweet beneath my own, yielding and giving and full of hope. I was completely enraptured in our connection. Her pouting lips pressed back into mine with fervour and passion and reiterated the loving message of her words. My hand slid to her neck and massaged it gently, taking pleasure in the tiny moan that escaped her lips and in the sexiness of her glossy smooth hair beneath my fingertips. I reluctantly pulled back after a few more moments, worried about pushing her too hard after her long day. She whimpered a complaint and pressed her lips back into mine, sucking my bottom lip into her mouth and raking her teeth along it. I groaned against her mouth, louder than I wanted to, and felt her smile in response. She knew exactly what she was doing, and my reaction was exactly what she wanted.

"I'm sure," she whispered. "One hundred percent, without a doubt sure that I love you Edward Cullen."

"You don't know how sweet that sounds to me," I murmured, kissing her lips one more time before completely pulling back from her. "I would love to kiss you like that all night Bella Swan, but we need to get you downstairs."

"I'd rather stay here and have you kiss me like that all night," she informed me with a grin, "but I know you well enough to know that you aren't going to let me get away with that."

"Before you go getting any ideas, will you allow me to carry you?"

She burst out laughing. "Why?"

"It's just that it's not safe for you to walk, not without crutches. Besides, it's faster if you let me carry you, and the faster we get you changed and curfew checked, the sooner I can bring you back here."

"I like the sound of that," she admitted.

I got up and carefully gathered her up into my arms, keeping her left side to my body to protect her leg. I still felt a thrill as her arms came up and curled around my neck. It was heavenly holding her so close. When she rested her head on my shoulder I let my head drop and planted my cheek on the top of her head, inhaling deeply and breathing her in. "I love you," I whispered. She hummed her acceptance of my words, happy and peaceful, just like I was.

Alice was waiting for us, using Jasper as her excuse for not returning to my room. Bella was all smiles as Alice and her shared their secret glances and quiet giggles. Alice had Bella take her medicine first. As much as I wanted every moment of her night, I knew I couldn't take it, even if Bella was willing to give it. She would hurt even more in the morning if she didn't rest. I would be just as happy to watch her sleep as I would have been to talk to her. I excused myself briefly so Alice could help Bella change and hunted down Mrs. Cope to persuasively suggest that she check on Bella so that Bella could get to bed. She was remarkably pliable to my charms. I listened from Jasper's room as Mrs. Cope fussed over Bella and both Bella and Alice assured her that Bella would be fine and just needed her sleep. I was beginning to lose my patience when Mrs. Cope finally emerged content with Bella's promises and satisfied that she would rest comfortably that night. I silently promised to make sure of it, only in a much different way than Mrs. Cope intended. I poked my head back into Bella's room wearing her favourite grin. "Are you ready?" I wasn't sure what she'd told Alice so I explained that Bella wanted to stay with me and asked if it was okay with her.

"If that's what Bella wants?" Alice questioned, glancing over at Bella for her approval.

"It will give you some time with Jasper," Bella offered.

"That's not an answer Bella," Alice razzed.

"Yes, that's what I want," Bella admitted, blushing.

"See, now was that so hard?"

"Harder than you'd think," I admitted quietly.

'Now you know she loves you.' I blinked a yes. 'Did it shock you?' she wondered. I blinked another yes. 'It had to come from her.' I watched the images flip in Alice's head. She'd known for a while and had kept it from me. 'Just like you said, you had to figure it out between the two of you.' We exchanged smiles and I kissed her forehead in thanks.

"Thank you for allowing me to take care of Bella tonight."

"Just make sure she sleeps," Alice demanded.

"She will," I promised.

"You guys are fucking doing it again."

I looked over at Bella. "Doing what?"

"Talking your brother sister shit like I'm not here," she smirked sarcastically.

I scooped her up again, happy to have her back in my arms again. "Alice just wants to make sure I'm going to take care of you. I'm not the only one who loves you."

"Good night Alice," Bella cooed from my shoulder.

"Night Bella," Alice grinned.

I whisked her out the door, anxious to get her upstairs and have her all to myself again. I could tell she was tired. She hung limply in my arms, almost like dead weight. "How are you feeling?" I whispered softly, bending my head towards hers.

"Happy," she smiled.

"I meant the leg, but I like hearing that you're happy."

"Meh, it's all right."

"You're not fooling me," I murmured against her ear as I carefully brought her through the doorway of my room. "You're tired. Is the medicine helping the pain?"

Her head fell back so she could look up at me. "Just put me down before I feel the need to kick to you," she smirked. I laid her down gently on the bed, adjusting the pillows behind her head before fully releasing her from my arms.

"A simple yes or no would suffice. Violence is never the answer Bella," I teased, moving down the mattress to adjust the pillows under her cast and cover her with the blanket.

"Where do you think you're going?" she questioned suspiciously. At first I thought she was joking, using my words against me, but I realized she was very serious when I looked at her face. Did she really think I would leave her?

"I'm not going anywhere, just trying to make sure you're comfortable. You should get some sleep," I suggested softly.

"Aren't you going to sit with me?" she wondered timidly.

"Don't you think you'll sleep better if you're left to yourself?" I'd had a lifetime without sleep so I couldn't recall what brought sleep, or made it restful or kept one sleeping.

"Edward this bed is fucking huge. Your whole family could sit on it and we'd still be on in different hemispheres." Watching her morph from shyly vulnerable to brazenly audacious reminded me that speaking her feelings was still difficult for her.

"Bella would you like me to sit on the bed with you?"

"Yes please." I sat down on the far edge of the bed, opposite her leg. "Closer," she requested.

I slid up the bed a little. "Better?"

"Closer," she complained. I moved to sit by her shoulders on the opposite side of the bed. She watched me with pleading eyes, her lips full out pouting now. "Closer."

"Bella, where do you want me?" I asked directly, rather than play guessing games and risk making her truly upset.

"Will you lie down with me?" she asked, her eyes looking down while her cheeks flushed slightly. I waited for her to relax and look at me before I answered.

"Of course," I whispered, slipping my body across the mattress to mirror her reclined position. "Just for further reference, that pout of yours is a very powerful tool. I think it could get you almost anything you want."

She smiled at me. "I'll remember that."

"I have no doubt," I agreed. "Can I get you anything?"

"Nope, I have everything I need right here, a comfy bed, my happy white pills, and you," she murmured softly, reaching her hand out to touch my arm.

"Good, then sleep."

"You're kind of bossy," she teased. "And I promise I'll try to sleep if you kiss me."

"So that's what we've become, already in retrograde, trading threats for promises?" I mocked, sliding closer to her body.

"If it gets you to kiss me then yes. Besides, you have a week of kisses to catch up on."

"Is that a fact?" I charged, bending forward and lowering my lips onto hers, kissing her softly and chastely.

"Again, I'm working from the whole using whatever is gonna work here, so yes, it's a fact. Now kiss me dammit!" I smiled widely at her and kissed her lips again. As I began to pull away she whispered, "Kiss me you like you mean it."

I chuckled against her lips "Touché."

"You can do that too," she suggested with an impish grin, raising her head off the pillows to push her lips into mine. I brought my hand up to cup her cheek and ease her back onto the pillows, more than happy to lean over her body and do all the work so she could relax. I could feel the familiar pull, coiling and tensing against my body as we moved closer together. I knew I had to take things slowly. Pushing the limits today of all days would be an irresponsible and selfish thing to do. She needed her rest, although the way she pulled me further into her kiss by fisting her tiny fingers around the hair at the nape of my neck made that fact rather difficult to retain. Her tongue pushed out against my lips and I wanted nothing more than to get completely lost in her.

"Bella, don't you need to rest?" I whispered, my lips ghosting against hers as I spoke.

"I'm not done kissing you yet," she complained, and the way her lips vibrated against my own made me question my sanity for trying to get her to stop what she was doing. I was wrestling with my own desires, trying to keep Bella's well-being in the forefront of my mind. One of us had to put her first, and apparently it wasn't going to be me, as she took my bottom lip between her teeth and simultaneously sucked my flesh and raked her teeth along it. I relinquished my holdback and pressed my lips against hers with abandon, forsaking my control for pleasure. I was helpless to fight against giving her what she wanted when it was what I wanted too.

When she released my lip, I pushed my tongue out in search of hers, pressing and giving and taking whatever she offered me. She shifted her body awkwardly towards mine, trying to press herself against me without hurting her leg. I could tell it was not comfortable for her by the way her body tensed. I shifted, lengthening my body along hers so she wouldn't have to work so hard. I heard a tiny whimper and pulled back, unsure if it was in pleasure or pain. Her face was twisted, wincing and resisting the pain. It was definitely pain. "I'm sorry," I murmured, feeling responsible for hurting her when I should have let my sensibility rule rather than my desire.

"It's okay," she rasped. "It's worth it to be close to you."

"I think that's enough kissing for tonight Bella. I'll stay right here if you wish, but it's time for you to sleep."

"Party pooper," she lamented, pouting out her lip and glancing up at me.

"Even the pout's not going to help you this time. You promised if I kissed you that you'd try to sleep."

"Fine," she grumbled, trying and failing to roll on to her left side. She pushed her hips into the mattress and shifted her shoulders into the pillows trying to find a comfortable position. She was never still for more than a minute or two, twisting and adjusting endlessly trying to reach a position she could relax in. It was hard to watch her discomfort.

"Would you like an arm?" I offered. She nodded and I slid my arm along her shoulders and underneath her neck. She nuzzled into it affectionately and tried again to find comfort where none existed.

"Edward?" she murmured.

"Yes?"

"Would you… it's just that I normally sleep on my left side and I can't with this stupid cast. I don't like to sleep on my right side. It feels wrong, and I was wondering…" She turned to look at me. "Would you help me sleep on my right side?"

"Of course. What do you need me to do?" She didn't need me to do anything. She rolled towards me, shifting her weight and tucking her tiny head into my shoulder. My arm curled back around her shoulders protectively and she sighed softly.

"Perfect," she whispered. I could feel her body relax against my side. Her struggling lessened but I still doubted her comfort. I pulled out a pillow from behind my head and dropped it onto my leg.

"Bella, can you lift your cast?"

"I can try. Why?"

"You can rest it on my legs if you want, if it's comfortable, I mean, well if you're comfortable sleeping…like that…on me." I grinned sheepishly, hoping she could look past my pitiful attempt at questioning whether or not she might like to snuggle further into me. She dragged her leg across her body and over onto my legs. I could feel her weight shift into my side and she relaxed instantly. She nuzzled her head into my shoulder one last time and in moments she faded.

"Perfect," I murmured softly, raising my hand to stroke her hair. I couldn't dream of wanting anything more than what was curled up against me at that moment.

The night was an exercise in falling in love. I started the evening head over heals for her, but each moment I spent with her I fell further under her spell. I watched her as she slept, studying her features, the miniscule arc of her nose, the parting of her uneven lips, the contour of her cheekbones, her tiny detached earlobes. There wasn't one thing about her face that I would change. I was in awe of how each imperfection and change somehow combined into consummate perfection. She was utter sweetness and innocence in her periods of peaceful sleep, her expression almost cherubic, her long dark lashes contrasted against her flawless pale skin. Each little squeak and smile that she produced when she dreamed happy dreams took me under. And when her dreams were less happy her face framed the discomfort of them with a furrowed brow and hard-set lips and all I could think was how I wanted to soothe them all away. When I had to wake her to check on her or give her more pain medicine, her face would squish up in the most endearing way, resisting waking up, and her ability to swallow the pills and drop right back off to sleep amazed me. But the best part of the night was simply holding her and feeling her tiny hand resting lightly on my chest. She loved me and there was no greater wonder than that.

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**A/N**: This chapter is the anti-fail, with all of its fluff and wonderfulness, and I hope you can see why I didn't want to cut it further.

I squee aloud when I get reviews! Make me squee!!!


	23. Turnabout

**A/N: **Respectful and absolutely obligatory shout out to Ms. Meyer and all her greatness: Pardon por favor mi español notorio; es el traductor. Stephenie Meyer posee crepúsculo y todos sus caracteres. Yes it's Spanish tonight, and yes it is amusing to me.

So fanfiction(dot)net is back, and to celebrate I will put up the next chapter. This is me, trying to not cram so much into a chapter.

And as always, thank you for everyone who has taken a moment to leave a comment. They are so appreciated.

From **Bella's POV**…

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The moments of darkness just as sleep takes me under are when my thoughts are most clear. I don't have an explanation for it. Maybe it's just when my stupid brain lets the truth through, the thoughts that scare me so fucking much that I can't admit them in consciousness. I thought if I ignored them they would go away, but they didn't. They just invaded my dreams and woke me in the middle of the fear and made me feel like shit for fighting them, for not being able to believe in them, for wanting them at all.

Nothing was how it should be. Edward was here, and Alice was sneaking back and forth to Jasper's room, and everyone was tiptoeing around me. I felt as conspicuous as if I were walking naked down the street. Alice was right. I had to face him. All of the avoiding I was doing wasn't helping anything. He was giving me exactly what I asked for. He was respecting my personal space. He wasn't talking to me anymore than being lab partners required. He wasn't even pushing my buttons. And I hated every fucking second of it.

I lay there with my eyes closed and when the darkness came I tried to push the truth out of my head for the hundredth time, but Edward was all I saw. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, and I was sick of fighting my feelings for him. But what the fuck could I say to him? Wasn't giving him another chance just like admitting that I was desperate, so in love with him that I didn't care how he treated me? I'd never loved anyone before. Was all of this up and down, top of the world to bottom of the barrel, roller coaster shit part of love? Why did pushing him away last week feel like the absolute right thing to do at the time when today it seemed so fucking opposite? I tried to wrap my head around the egregious fucking quagmire I'd put myself in and there was just no easy way out. And maybe that was fate's way of telling me that I didn't deserve Edward. God knows he deserved better than me.

Alice and Jasper were really trying to make skiing fun. It's not that I wasn't having a good time, I was, but Chinese water torture would have been less painful. They were the opposite of obvious. It was the way they looked at one another, absolute fucking trust, conversations that spoke volumes without any words. It was the way his hand bent towards her body when he was suggesting we go in a certain direction or the way her eyes checked for him like an instinct. It was just the two of them and this incredible love that wasn't broadcast or flaunted but it manifested in every single thing they did. It was amazing. And it made me feel like shit because I would never have that. And I needed to get away from it before my head exploded. I don't know if they sensed my unease or if they just wanted some time alone but they didn't fight me when I said I was going to go try a few runs by myself.

This whole skiing gig was easier than I expected. Of course, I was thinking I wouldn't even be able to stand so the fact that I'd made it down every hill in a semi-successful manner had me stoked, success being defined by the fact that I could make it up another hill and try not to kill myself all over again. And I should have expected that as soon as I decided it was fun and doable that I'd do something and totally fuck up. I should have stayed focused on what I was doing, left more room, dug my skis in harder to stop myself and probably turned in the other direction. But I didn't. When I got cut off I was thinking of how to handle things with Edward, leaving too little distance between my skis and the defined edge of the trail and I turned left instead of right and tried to plough stop the narrow passage way. I panicked as the trees closed in around me. I was headed right for them and it was abundantly clear that I was going to hit them. There wasn't enough time or room to slow down. I just pushed my skis into the snow and braced myself for the hit.

There was someone touching me, or I thought there was, and an echo of something, like background noise. I didn't feel sure of either thing. I strained to listen more carefully; the voice sounded far away. Someone was definitely touching me though. I knew that touch. It was the way Edward's hand always felt when he held my cheek, cool and comforting and gentle. The voice was similar too, only more emotional and lacking the calm assuredness that Edward always oozed. It was another one of those stupid fucking truth dreams.

I squeezed my eyes more tightly closed, trying to shut off the dumb dream, and I felt a ripping pain on my forehead. What the fuck? My dreams never hurt. They were happy and horny, or scary and overwhelming, but they didn't cause physical pain. My left leg felt funny too, pins and needles numb, heavy, weighted down. The voice was asking me where it hurt and moving my leg around. I wanted to scream to fucking leave it alone but the pain smothered my voice. I barely managed an 'ow.'

The voice was becoming clearer. He knew me, called me by name and told me my leg might be broken. I wanted to tell the voice to stop moving my fucking leg. It hurt. Why was he moving it around so much? And if it was broken I couldn't walk on it and I think I told the voice that. It was hard to think through the fog of the pain.

"I'll carry you if you'll allow it?"

"Yes please," I snorted. Why wouldn't I allow it? And why was my dream asking permission? I mean he was a polite guy and all, but generally dream Edward just sort of knew what I wanted and did it. I was so fucked up that I had screwed up dream Edward too. This was bad. And then I felt it, a spate of electricity that sparkled and tingled as an arm slide under my knees and then another arm slide across my back. He lifted me carefully and held me close to his body, with my head tucked neatly into the space under his chin. The sensation sent me into a déjà vu. I could even smell him. How could dream Edward smell like Edward?

I heard his voice as clear as a bell. "What happened Bella?" There was so much concern in it that my stomach dropped. A dream shouldn't feel so real. It shouldn't smell like him, or sound like him, or feel like him. My imagination was good, but not Edward good. What had happened? Images came trickling back, skiing, being cut off, and the trees. Oh my God the trees! I was headed right for them. I must have hit them but good. Is that why I hurt so much? Did I hit a tree and hurt myself? And if I did, was this actually Edward I was talking to and not dream Edward? I explained my theory to him about being cut off and hitting the trees while I tried to figure out what was happening to me. He started going on about a gash on my head and not skiing alone and I tried really hard to remember hitting the tree but I couldn't. Maybe I had lost consciousness?

I remember the moment where all of the pieces came together and I knew he was real, because the words he whispered made me understand that this was my second chance. "Don't you know what it would have done to me if you'd been seriously hurt?" He didn't care about any of the shitty things I'd said or done. He didn't care if I didn't deserve him. He didn't care about anything but whether or not I was okay. And I opened my eyes because I knew he was really there, and he was there, and I was in his arms. I shook my head to answer his question and nuzzled my head further into his neck, taking in a big gulp of his delicious smell. "Does it hurt?" he wondered.

The pain was the last thing I wanted to think about. I had so many other things I needed to say. "Yes, and don't you go thinking I don't know that you lied to me." I tilted my head back so I could look at his face. His smile took my breath away.

"What?" he laughed.

"You said you weren't coming." But God was I ever fucking glad he had.

"No, I said I didn't sign up for the ski trip, which I didn't. I came on my own." I should have known Edward would find a way to be right.

"Need to be right," I sighed, letting my head drop back into the comfort of his neck. Real Edward with his need to be right was so much better than anything I could dream up.

The next few hours went by in a blur, first aide, the ambulance, x-rays, and what felt like a billion nurses and interns and doctors fucking poking and prodding me and forever writing on my chart. It all seemed pointless to me. I just wanted to get back to Edward and he was nowhere to be found. When the doctor came in to stitch my head up, Alice excused herself and came back with Edward's keys, but no Edward. She wouldn't say where he was or what he was doing, just drove me back to the hotel and tried to dissuade me from waiting in Edward's room. I'd let him get away from me enough times. I wasn't leaving until I told him how I felt.

When Edward finally returned he had changed back into the Edward that was at school all week, respectful and polite and quasi-distant. I asked Alice to get me a pop so I could speak to him alone. I had screwed up everything by pushing him away and it was my responsibility to fix things, if it was even possible. It was awkward as fuck trying to get my thoughts out while trying to listen to Edward's thoughts and not let myself get upset by them. I started by admitting that I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid he'd leave. He picked the most inconvenient moments to be dense and totally missed the hidden meaning in my words when I told him I wanted to stay with him. Why couldn't he be dense when my words were mean or rude instead of in my rare honest moments? But then he touched me, and it changed everything. I couldn't shut up. I told him I liked it when he touched me and that I didn't want him to stay away from me anymore. I admitted I hadn't been fair. I told him I wanted him, and that even as broken and difficult and unworthy as I was, he had my heart.

I wasn't prepared for his answer. He told me I had his heart too, and part of me felt like he was just repeating my words back to avoid feeling awkward and hurting my feelings. But in his usual way he knew that my brain would need to hear more. He told me he wanted all of me, even the broken and scarred parts, and then he said the most unexpected thing of all.

"I love you."

My answer was the most natural reply I'd ever spoken. "I love you too." I did love him, and it felt good to say it and let go of the fear that he would reject me once he knew the awful truth of my feelings. As it turned out, it wasn't so awful, and the fact that he felt the same way was the most amazing gift I'd ever been given. I watched his face light up and his smile grow and I'm pretty sure he was as lost in the moment as I was.

And when he finally kissed me it was the greatest relief I'd ever felt because I realized that I'd already let go of the idea of ever feeling his lips on mine again. I poured my heart and soul into that kiss, pressed my lips against his and enjoyed every fucking second of the connection. When his hand slid around my neck and tangled into my hair I almost lost it completely, so caught up in the action of him taking what he needed from me that I moaned against his perfect lips. And when he tried to pull away from me I took what I needed, just a little bit more of him, pulling his bottom lip into my mouth and raking my teeth along it. His almost growl was the perfect response. I loved him, and I told him so because I had no doubts.

He made me go downstairs to change but not before I made him promise that he would bring me back to his room. I wasn't ready to let go of him yet and I don't think he wanted to let me go either.

My leg was throbbing and I was fucking exhausted and my efforts to hide it from Edward were fruitless. I panicked when he started walking away from me after tucking me into bed. Did he think I was that cold that I would invite myself to stay in his room and leave him without a place to sleep? Getting him into the bed with me was embarrassing. He kept asking if he was close enough and for me, he wouldn't be close enough until I was wrapped around him. Part of me started to doubt that he even wanted to lay with me in bed but I realized that he was just being a gentleman and was worried about my leg. I finagled one last kiss out of him and the feeling of his body pressed against me was fucking fantastic, even if my stupid leg interrupted it. I couldn't stay mad though. I had everything I'd ever wished for laying beside me.

I felt like I was on a rotisserie trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. No amount of shifting and twisting brought me comfort. I always slept on my left side and my stupid cast made it impossible. I finally broke down and asked Edward if he would help me. I thought if I could snuggle into his side that it might bring me enough comfort that I would be able to fall asleep. He made it even nicer by asking me if I wanted to rest my cast on his legs. I hardly noticed the discomfort once I tangled my leg over his. He was everywhere I looked and felt and smelled and it was fucking perfection.

I was pretty out of it that night. He woke me to check on my concussion and give me more meds and every time I opened my eyes and saw him curled up beside me it was better than Christmas morning. I'm sure I grinned like an idiot and had hearts coming out of my eyes and shit, but I was so fucking smitten and content I didn't care. It was a perfect bubble of happiness and I would have stayed there forever if it were an option.

The next morning, in my first conscious moments, before I even opened my eyes, I could smell him. As I came to, I realized that he was still beside me and that his arm was still curled around my shoulders. I wondered how in the hell it wasn't killing him. I snuggled further into his body and sighed happily, because the only thing that mattered was that I was awake and with him, not dreaming it all.

"Are you awake?" he murmured. Guh, that voice was fucking heavenly. I decided not to answer him so he'd have to speak again and that way I would get to hear more of it. "Bella, I can tell you're awake." His voice was so quiet and I could feel the pressure of his moving lips on the top of my head. So fucking sexy.

"Well if you can tell I'm awake then why are you asking?" I teased.

"So I know for sure if I can kiss you yet," he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

"Unlike you I don't smell like a fresh meadow in the morning," I complained, "so out of courtesy for you I'm going to say you _do not_ want to kiss this mouth before my teeth are brushed."

He tipped my chin up with his index finger and planted a firm kiss on my mouth. "I wouldn't miss an opportunity to kiss you for such a silly reason," he whispered, smoothing his hand out from under my chin and up along my jawbone. I shuddered at the sensation.

"Are you for real?" I wondered. He really was too good to be true.

He smiled. "It's hard to believe isn't it?"

"That we're really doing this?"

"Did you think I would let you go after you told me you loved me?" he smiled.

"I never thought about it," I admitted. "I showed up here after the hospital with the intention of telling you how I felt but believe me when I say I had no fucking expectations. I wasn't even sure you'd take me back."

"I'll give you a million chances Bella, and then a million more."

"Why?"

"That's love…and it's the only way I know how to be."

"Lucky me," I sighed, "or unlucky you I suppose. You do realize you picked the most difficult stubborn girl you could have picked right?"

"Hardly," he laughed, kissing my hair again. "You were made for me. And as much as I'd like to keep you here forever, I really should get you downstairs before it's discovered you're missing."

"The expulsion would be worth a few extra minutes with you," I grinned, knowing full well he'd never stand for that. "Will you call me later?"

"Did you want me to?" he smirked.

"You do that just because you know I hate it don't you?"

"Do what?" he asked innocently.

"There you go again! You answer my questions with a question. You're just not happy unless you're pushing my buttons are you?"

"I'm sorry," he breathed, pulling me closer and giving my shoulder a soothing squeeze. "I like to hear that you want to hear from me I suppose. I'm not trying to upset you. I'd never do that."

"No, you'd never do that," I echoed sarcastically.

"Okay, I don't do that anymore. Is that better?" he teased.

"I don't know about better, but at least it's truthful."

"I would be happy to call you later, or come over if you'd like? You could introduce me to your Uncle perhaps?"

"Not tonight. Charlie is going to be all over me when I get home." I inwardly balked at the idea of Edward meeting Charlie. I was barely used to him being my…boyfriend. I certainly wasn't ready to broadcast it and openly invite another discussion about my sex life. Edward looked disappointed. "I just want to keep this to myself for a while, where no one else can touch it, you know?"

"Aren't you sure about us?" he wondered.

"I am, but shit like this never works out for me Edward. I want some time to just appreciate that it's mine. Is that being selfish? That I don't want to share you with anyone else yet?"

"Not at all. I know exactly what you mean." And just like that he scooped me up and I was in his arms and I was stunned, not because he was holding me so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and not because he was the best looking man I'd ever laid my eyes on, but because he was capable of understanding the complexity of my mind when I didn't understand it myself. He was clearly wanted to be introduced to Charlie, and not only did he put his own wants aside for me, he saw things completely from my point of view.

"I don't deserve you," I whispered. I stared intensely into his eyes because I was so in awe of him. "And I just wanted to say right now that I'm sorry…for later, when I fuck this up. I really don't deserve you."

"Bella, shhh," he soothed. "There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you." I know he meant it. It was in each word he spoke and in the way he looked at me. It wasn't his fault if he didn't understand that part of me yet.

Alice was already showered and dressed by the time we got back to my room. She seemed cheerful and well rested. She must be a morning person. "You're up early," I greeted her, watching as she and Edward exchanged a knowing glance.

"Morning person," she offered, with a twisted smirk.

"Alice would mind helping Bella get packed and ready to go?" Edward asked. I felt a little like a child needing to be cared for. It was a broken leg folks, not a disease. Edward put me down carefully in the chair and kissed the top of my head softly. "I'll see you in a few," he murmured, excusing himself and leaving. I watched Alice flit around the room, folding clothes and packing her suitcase and mine. She wasn't really looking at me and she certainly wasn't saying anything.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

She looked up surprised. "About what?"

"About me, the leg, your brother, the fact I spent the night in his room? It's not as if we're short on things to talk about."

"Oh," she offered, staring at me a bit wide-eyed while she continued to fold the shirt in her arms.

"Oh? That's the best you've got?"

"Well what did you want me to say?" she chirped. Her voice was wrong. She sounded happy enough, but it wasn't Alice happy.

"What is it Alice? I thought you'd be all over me for details, or at least curious. I certainly didn't think you'd be sitting back and making me pull information from you. What gives?"

"Nothing?" she defended. "I'm just not feeling like myself this morning."

"Did you not sleep well?"

"Ummm…not really."

"So maybe you're just tired?"

"Probably," she agreed. She wasn't looking at me for more than a second and I got the distinct feeling that she was hiding something.

"Aren't you going to ask me anything?"

She forced a smile to her face. "Did you and Edward have a good night?" she inquired politely, too politely. It was pretty fucking obvious that she didn't really care what the answer to the question was.

"Fine," I mumbled. I'm sure I sounded hurt but I could care less.

"That's nice."

I just sat there and stewed silently while Alice ignored me. She didn't bother to notice how mad I was getting. I think my hair could have been on fire and she would have missed it. And then I realized what it was. "Are you made because I'm with Edward?"

"What?" She sounded surprised.

"Is that why you aren't talking to me, because you're pissed off at me because I'm into your brother?"

"No Bella, I don't care that you like my brother," she chuckled unconvincingly.

"Then why don't I believe you? You're hiding something Alice. Spill."

"I think that those pain killers have fried your brain Bella. My god..." She rolled her eyes at me. She'd never been so haughty with me.

"That's not a denial."

"Will you get over yourself? Just because I'm not all bouncy and happy all the time doesn't mean anything. I don't get in your face about your moods."

"Did something happen with Jasper?"

"No!" she insisted indignantly. "Nothing happened. Will you just drop it?" She was uncharacteristically frazzled.

"Pregnancy scare?" I mumbled quietly.

"No!" she snorted, and then burst out laughing. It was so over the top I was beginning to think I might be right.

"You could tell me you know…you could trust me with it," I whispered.

"Honestly Bella, where do you come up with these ideas?" she laughed. It wasn't her usual cheerful laugh. There was a darkness to it that I recognized but didn't understand. A soft knock on the door interrupted my pondering. Alice answered the door laughing and let Edward in. As soon as he saw me in the chair his expression became alarmed.

"What are you laughing at Alice? Did something happen?"

"Bella was wondering if I might be in the middle of a pregnancy scare?" she guffawed, slapping her thigh to bring home the absurdity she found in my words. Just as I dropped my eyes to the floor and wished the ground would swallow me whole I saw Edward glare angrily at her.

"I was just trying to figure out why Alice was being so untalkative. Obviously I took the wrong road," I explained, feeling small and embarrassed. Edward was at my side in a flash.

"It's okay Bella," he whispered, getting down on one knee so he was at my eye level. "I spoke to Mrs. Cope and a couple of the other chaperones. I explained how uncomfortable you were feeling with your leg and asked for permission to drive you home, if you'd like that?" he asked in his comforting velvety voice.

"Yes, please," I whispered, looking at him while I answered and then dropping my eyes back to my lap. I started to push myself out of the chair and Edward's hand came out.

"Here, let me help you," he offered, pulling me from the chair and turning so I could put my arm around his waist. He slipped his arm around the back of me and hooked his hand under my arm so he could help support my weight. As we walked by Alice, he glared at her again. Edward helped me out into the hallway where he had stashed a pair of crutches. "I didn't figure you'd want me carrying you," he whispered, smirking. "Get used to the crutches. I'll go grab your stuff."

He walked back into the room and I peered in as I hobbled by on my crutches. He and Alice were having a very quiet but intense conversation by the looks on their faces. I couldn't hear anything they were saying but I didn't want them fighting over me. "Edward?" I called quietly from the doorway, "my leg is really bothering me. Can we get going?" It just seemed easier to make my leg the excuse than try to get them to stop fighting.

"Of course," he allowed, turning back towards Alice. "I'll talk to you at home." I'd never heard him speak so sternly to Alice, or to anyone for that matter.

"Bye Alice. I guess I'll see you at school."

"I hope your leg feels better soon."

"Thanks."

Edward came out with my bag without saying anything more to Alice. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes." He led me out to the car, patiently walking beside me as I tried to make the crutches do the work. It was harder than I thought it would be to coordinate the shift in my weight as I moved them and tried to keep the pressure off the cast. Once we were at the car he opened the door and slid the seat all the way back to maximize the room for my cast and then helped me in. I watched him move around the car and was kind of stunned by the grace in his step. Beside him I must look like a complete klutz. I just shook my head. How on Earth the dude was even interested in me I would never understand, and forget ever understanding why he loved me. It was just something I had to have faith in, because logic didn't come into play.

"What are you shaking your head for?" he wondered when he got in the car.

"I just remembered something," I smiled. "You were silly enough to fall in love with me."

He smiled his crooked grin and my breath caught in my throat. "Not silly, smart," he corrected me. "Are you ready to go home?"

I smiled my reply. Four straight hours alone with Edward in a car? Hell yeah I was ready.

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A/N: All reviews are gratefully accepted and appreciated. Please review.


	24. Subjugation

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyers owns all things Twilight. Epheniestay Eyermay isway ethay authorway ofway Ilighttway andway usthay ownsway allway ofway it'sway aracterschay. *snorts* Get it? Snorts? Yes I know I'm only amusing myself, but you can't fault me for lack of creativity.

I had some crappy writer's block on this chapter. Bleh. Writer's block does not make me happy. And I'm thinking it doesn't make a reader waiting on an update too happy either.

And thank you to those who have left comments and been very supportive. I appreciate it so much. With this chapter we _should_ break 300 reviews and that makes me all kinds of happy, like Edward kissing me happy if you're wanting for a comparison. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

**From Edward's POV**...

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I think Alice forgot that I was still capable of catching the emotional tone of her thoughts when she blocked me from her mind. I didn't press her, not in front of Bella, but she was most certainly keeping me out and her mental voice was most certainly alarmed. Bella was my concern right now. The unhappiness that resulted from whatever transpired between her and Alice was very evident in the disgruntled look on her face. I had arranged to drive her home to keep her more comfortable than she would have been on the bus, and getting her into my car and on the road were my only focus.

As we made our way to the car I was a little apprehensive about the drive. I'd never been in an enclosed space with Bella before and I wasn't sure what being constantly assaulted by her seductive scent would do to my will. It would be a power struggle that I hoped would be lessened by the amount of time and closeness we'd shared overnight. Still, her scent would either subjugate me or me it. Either way I would burn. I was becoming more used to the constant stimulation her scent activated in me. It was getting easier and easier to ignore. I worked on coming up with an excuse that might mask the truth if I had to open a window for relief. I didn't have a clue what I would say to her if I ever had to explain my reaction to her scent. It would seem so backwards and wrong to her.

I got Bella situated in the car and got behind the wheel. My throat went up in flames when I closed the door and locked her floral scent in around me. It was like a heavy perfume that clung to everything and being smothered in it was rather like a drug, insanely bad for my resolve, but so enjoyable for my body chemistry. It wasn't just my animal instincts in incited. There were human instincts too, and I think in some ways the repression of my nature shifted her appeal away from my thirst and towards my sexual response. While I couldn't prevent the ways her fragrance set off my predatory attributes, it was easy to focus on the ways it made me feel like a man, the urges it caused, the fantasies it evoked and the emotions it awakened. In so many ways Bella brought out the best and worst in me, but there was no denying that she had made me feel more human, more like a man, than any other being I'd encountered during my time on this Earth. She held a power over me, and it wasn't just her scent. It was tied up in loving her and the selflessness she brought in me.

She was shaking her head with a peculiar look on her face, and it had me a bit worried. "What are you shaking your head for?"

A wide and happy smile spread across her features. "I just remembered something. You were silly enough to fall in love with me." I was relieved she wasn't still bothered by her disagreement with Alice.

"Not silly, smart." I couldn't help but smile back at her charming manner. It was endearing to watch her talk about me loving her, the way her nose wrinkled and the quirky set of her lips, and there was a happiness on her face that had never been present like this before. It made me feel immense joy that it was a result of my love. "Are you ready to go home?"

She smiled at me while I eased the car into gear and began to pull out. I used reversing the car as an excuse to put my arm around the back of her seat. She didn't seem to mind when I left my arm hanging there. I still wasn't sure how much open affection was preferable for Bella. Being affectionate locked in a hotel room was one thing, but out in public, for as public as a car was, I felt unsure how much affection I could openly express without upsetting her. It was a constant battle to fight the urge to touch her, one I often lost. Every now and then I would let my fingers gloss over hear hair softly, just to soothe the pull in me. Besides, any physical contact between us reminded me of her fragility and kept me focused on being gentle with her to keep her safe. There could never be enough reminders where Bella's safety was concerned.

"How is your leg doing?" I inquired, wishing the incessant scorching would moderate so I could relax and enjoy the opportunity of being alone with Bella more fully.

"Stop fucking worrying so much. It's fine." I couldn't quite tell if I was annoying her with my questions or if she was just being Bella.

"Okay, answer me this. Would you tell me if it hurt?"

"Probably not," she smiled.

"Well then you're just going to have to get used to my questions."

"Well then you're just going to have to get used to my questions," she muttered in a quiet mocking voice. By the look of her smile she was amusing herself.

I snickered quietly under my breath. She was going to be a handful, that was for sure, not that I wanted to control her. The contrary shift in my attitude since first meeting Bella was quite fantastic. At one point I was sure controlling her was the only way I'd have any success at protecting her from me. Who knew that falling in love with her would protect her more fully for a different set of reasons?

My throat continued to burn far more strongly than I had expected it would after spending the night with her in my arms. It was manageable, but far from comfortable, and beginning to lessen as my body acclimated to her pungent redolence. At least I was not worried about being a physical threat to Bella's safety, and if I ever felt so out of control that being near me put her at a lethal risk, then I would leave to protect her. She would not die at my hands or suffer in any way because of my nature. I would not allow it.

"What are you thinking about?" she wondered softly. I glanced over at her and she looked concerned.

"Nothing, why?"

"Your face got very serious," she noted petulantly. "So it can't be nothing, or you wouldn't look so…not happy."

"And what does looking 'not happy' entail, if I may ask?" I smiled wryly. It was a wonder she hadn't noticed more about my nature, or perhaps she had and was just keeping it to herself.

"I don't know. You look all broody and shit. Like somebody peed in your Cheerios."

I blinked hard at her euphemism, and bit back a laugh. "Broody?"

"Yes broody. I know that face. You're thinking about something that upsets you." She was as sure of her observations as I was that she was right.

"I'm not broody…I'm cogitating…perpending if you will."

"Broody," she repeated. "Call it whatever you want to call it. You're still thinking about something that upsets you."

"How can you know me so well already?" I mused.

"Instinct."

"And what do your instincts tell you about me?" My ever-present fear that she would one day figure out the truth about what I really was flared. It was probably the most dangerous question I had ever asked her. If she had any instincts at all she would know to stay away from me, like most humans. Her instincts were a mystery to me. She noticed everything, far more than any other human I'd ever encountered, and yet seemed to possess some inherent indifference to danger and consciously ignored our differences. Perhaps the same thing that closed off her mind to me gave her some kind of intuitive sense of others and blocked her natural instinct for self-preservation?

"That you love me…that you would never hurt me…that you're broody," she smirked.

"Well you're right in the first two cases," I chuckled, relieved that her instincts seemed to be grounded in the here and now.

"But you don't want to tell me what you were thinking about?" she wondered quietly.

"I was thinking that I never want to be the cause of pain in your life." That was close enough to what I was thinking that it was almost the truth. The part of me that feared losing Bella warred with the part that sought frankness. Even though she would likely reject me if she ever learned the truth of my nature, there was a part of me that wished I could just stop all of the deceit and pretense, and be completely honest with her.

"Why would you be worried about that?"

"I was wondering if my questions about your leg bothered you and my mind sort of drifted in that direction," I admitted honestly. "I'm still learning what bothers you, and trying to balance it with my own instincts."

"And what do your instincts tell you about me?" she asked with a smirk.

"That you're a handful…that you deserve the world…that I love you."

"You're so smitten," she teased.

"I'm not going to deny it." I reached for her hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it softly. "I love you." The smell of her wrist so close to my nose intensified the flames of my thirst momentarily. I did not let go of her wrist or let any of my struggle show in my outward appearance. I knew the blaze would only be a brief flash of discomfort.

She blushed and looked down. "I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing that…and I hope I don't. Every time you say it my stomach drops and it all comes rushing back to me. It's just so fucking unbelievable."

"I love you," I whispered. She smiled and turned her head slightly, looking up at me from under her lashes, and that was all it took to refocus my attention and make my thirst dissolve. "I love you," I told her again. And when she continued to look at me with the sexiest side-glance I'd ever seen I told her one more time. "I love you." Even if I still had to be careful with what I said and how I treated her, there was liberty and indulgence in saying those words to her, to not have to hide what I felt, to have her hear my words and believe them. Those words held all the promise and hope that existed between us.

"What was that?" she teased. "You what?"

I smiled crookedly at her smugness and let go of her hand, changing the subject. "I think you should tell me something about yourself that I don't already know."

"Like what?"

"Well if I knew what the something was then it wouldn't be something I didn't know, now would it?"

"Hmm, let's see…I swear way too fucking much," she snorted, laughing at herself.

"Really?" I asked sarcastically, shaking my head and rolling my eyes at her. "I've never noticed. How about something the whole world doesn't know?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, maybe…your family…your old school…what your life was like in Phoenix?"

"You don't want to hear that shit."

"Yes I do, or I wouldn't have asked."

"Phoenix was…hot and dry. School there was…school. And I don't have any family. My Dad died when I was young and you already know my Mom died." As I watched her speak I could see the sadness in her eyes that she tried so hard to hide in her voice.

"Do you miss her?"

She stared blankly out the window and spoke matter-of-factly, like the whole situation was happening to someone else instead of her. "Every fucking day. But those are the breaks. Can't do shit about it."

"Were you close with her?"

"She was my best friend, and Charlie was her best friend, not really my Uncle. There was just no one else to take me in, and that's how I landed up in Forks. My Mom grew up here. It's sort of ironic bullshit at it's best that I'm back here considering my Mom hated Forks with a passion, sort of like fate wants me to suffer the same shit she did, or some such fuckery."

"And how did she suffer?"

"She and my Dad were young when they met and her parents disowned her when she got pregnant and ran away with him, saying she was throwing her life away and that their marriage would never last. Two years later he was killed in a car accident and they were right, only for a totally different reason. Now I'm back in the same hell hole dying to get out just like she was."

"Do her parents still live here?"

"She was raised in Forks but her parents moved to the east coast after she left. They died years ago. Such a happy subject," she snarked, wrinkling her nose up in mild disgust. "Aren't you glad you asked me about my family?"

"I'm sorry if I upset you. I just want to know more about you…to know everything about you really, good and bad." I was now completely tempered to her scent. There was no temptation beyond wanting her physically, to be nearer to her, to touch her, to kiss her. There was power in overcoming my thirst, being able to subdue the less desirable parts of my nature and supersede them with my human instincts.

"What about you? What's your story?"

"My parents died a long time ago, so long ago that I don't really remember them. Carlisle and Esme, my Father and Mother, are the only parents I've ever known."

"Yeah but at least you have a brother and sister."

"Yes, I'm lucky to have Alice and Emmett, and Jasper and Rosalie too, even if we aren't related by blood." I was splitting hairs, rephrasing my words to make the lie in them false. "I was very blessed that Carlisle found me."

"He found you?" I was so comfortable with Bella that the truth spilled forth too easily.

"I was sick in the hospital and he nursed me back to health…and then took me in."

"Not Alice and Emmett though?"

"Them too."

"Where did you guys grow up?"

"We lived in Alaska before Forks…a little place called Denali…a place much like Forks in terms of size." More half-truths. Again I wished I could tell her the whole truth. Her love spuriously emboldened my faith that she might one day be able to look past the shame of what I was.

"Wow, that's so opposite to me. I came from huge hot city and you came from a tiny cold town. So do you mind small towns then?"

"They're fine I suppose. I never really thought about it."

"I hate them. Everybody knows everything about everyone else. There's no fucking privacy. In Phoenix nobody gives a shit about anybody. Who gives a crap if the guy down the street is fucking your neighbour or what kind of car somebody drives or where you came from or where you're headed for that matter?"

"I suppose if it had not been for the nature of a small town that I wouldn't have known much about you, so it's hard to resent it completely."

"Ugh, you don't know how much I hate that everybody knows so much crap about me," she insisted, annoyed.

"Yes I do," I smiled, proud that I knew her well enough to understand that part of her. "It was one of the first things I realized about you, that you were a private person and did not like to be the center of attention."

"How did you know that?"

"I just got that vibe from you." I watched you like a stalker, picking your image out of the minds of your classmates.

"Has anyone ever told you that you drive too fast?" she asked casually. My eyes moved to the speedometer fretfully. It wasn't _that_ fast.

I glanced over at her and she was watching the scenery pass by outside the window. "Does it bother you?"

"Nope. Should it?"

"I've never been in an accident." For a human though, a normal human, this speed should seem bothersome.

"Mm-kay. When did you know you liked me?" she wondered. I bit back a laugh at her irregular line of questions.

"When did I suspect it or when did I know?"

"Know I guess," she mumbled.

"That night in the forest when I found you dancing…I know that seems like a very strange day to realize that I liked you. You were so angry with me that day. That was the day you told me that we weren't friends, and your comment irked me to such a degree that I rethought everything, including how I felt about you. I'd been telling myself for days that it was something else, but my heart knew otherwise. It took you pushing me away completely to make me realize that I loved you." She was giggling quietly and I didn't understand what I'd said that made her laugh, unless it truly was the absurdity of falling in love with her when she told me she didn't even want to be my friend. "What are you laughing at?" I asked softly.

"That was the same day I knew I'd fallen for you," she giggled. "The day we traded playlists and I told you I didn't want to be friends with you, that was me pulling back because I felt like a fucking idiot when I realized I'd fallen in love with you."

"That's why you pulled away?" Even in hindsight I would have never guessed that was her reasoning that day.

She nodded. "I was sure it was the stupidest motherfucking thing I'd ever done, so much so that when labelled it as love in my head I threw up. It's why I went out that night. I didn't set out to get drunk. I just wanted to run away from my feelings… to not feel like an idiot for half a second."

"I have a confession to make," I admitted quietly. I looked over at her and she was smiling at me. "Alice told me that you were upset when she saw you after school that day, and I was worried about you so I went looking for you."

"So that's how you found me?" Understanding lit her features.

"Yes."

A light flush rose on her cheeks. "I must have made such an ass of myself that night. I…"

I interrupted her. "Not at all Bella. It was endearing to see you so light-hearted. I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you danced. I was captivated. When you asked me to dance…when I held you, I knew I couldn't fight my feelings anymore. There wasn't anything I had ever wanted more in my life than to hold you that night."

"I don't know why. I've made things so difficult for you." One side of her mouth turned downwards as she stared down dejectedly into her lap.

"You told me not to worry so much about you, well don't you worry so much about me. I wasn't lying when I told you that I love every part of you. The parts about yourself that you loathe so strongly are some of the parts of you that I find most interesting."

"I think you're a glutton for punishment," she joked, but I was fairly sure she was trying to hide her true feelings in her sentiment.

"I could say the same of you. I'm not the easiest man to get along with. I can be…bossy…possessive…overbearing…stop me any time," I laughed. She was looking at me disbelievingly. "What? You think you're the only one with skeletons in your closet?"

"Edward every freshman, sophomore and junior in school would like to date you, and probably most seniors come to think of it. You're like the cat's meow buddy. I hate to break it to you. I think your closet could be filled with skeletons and axe-murders and dead bodies and you'd still be the guy everyone wanted to get with."

"It wouldn't bother you if my closet was filled with dead bodies?" I teased. In my head I wondered if her answer would change if she knew how many murders were on my hands.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "It might be useful to know an actual murder to do my dirty deeds."

"Dirty deeds?"

"Well someone's got to help me get Mike Newton off my back," she joked.

"Yes, we'll see how dear Mike takes to the news that you are no longer available to fill the lead role in his petty fantasies." Ignorant foolish boy.

"So are we going to tell people?"

"Do you want to?"

"There you go again with the question as an answer thing."

"I'm happy to tell everyone that we're together, but I can respect your need for privacy too. I will leave it up to you. I think there are a few key people that need to be aware of it. Say Charlie for instance, since otherwise he might be wondering why I'm hanging around his house so often. And of course I'll tell my parents and siblings, not that they don't know about you…but that we are official," I smirked proudly. "But if you're asking me if I'd like to tell Mike Newton specifically? Yes, I would very much like to sit him down and explain in no uncertain terms that he is not to bother you and that you are most definitely off the market."

"Poor Mike. What's he ever done to you?" she razzed.

"He thinks he has a right to you, and that you're just playing hard to get. It would be a pleasure to teach him the difference between playing hard to get and taken."

"He's harmless," she mused. "A ginormous clueless pain in the ass, but a harmless one. And you don't need to worry. There's only one person I love."

"And it's not Mike?" I teased, fishing for the words.

"No, it is Mike. I'm just using you to make him jealous," she giggled.

I feigned horror. "I figured as much. I knew it was too good to be true."

"I'm pretty transparent." I looked over at her and noticed her yawn.

"Is your pain manageable?" I wondered.

"Yeah, it's the same as always," she assured me. I studied her face a little more carefully. Her expression was relaxed but her eyelids were heavy.

"You look tired. You should close your eyes and try to sleep."

"I don't want to sleep," she whined. I think if she could have she would have stomped her foot in defiance.

"Are you tired?" I murmured gently.

"Do you have a need to be right?"

"Yes."

"Fine then yes. But I still don't want to sleep."

"It won't hurt to try. I'll be right here."

She huffed and gave in, pulling the handle on the seat to recline it a small amount, and then turned slightly into the chair back, tucking her hands under her chin and closing her eyes. She knew I was watching her and she grinned widely. "I'm trying here," she offered, not opening her eyes, her polite invitation to me to stop watching her.

"Sweet dreams," I murmured.

She opened one eye. "Love you," she answered. The words were still a marvel to hear. It would never cease to amaze me that she loved me too. With a soft sigh she drifted off and slept for the remainder of the ride while I watched her peaceful face.

She was still sleeping when I pulled into her driveway. I hated to wake her but I doubted that meeting Charlie while carrying his sort of daughter into the house would make the best first impression. I smoothed the hair that had fallen onto her cheek off of her face softly, caressing her cheek as my hand moved across it. Her skin was so soft and warm under my fingertips. I bent close to her face and whispered in her ear. "Bella, we're home. You need to wake up now."

A smile spread across her face as she stretched and a small groan left her mouth. Slowly her eyes opened. "Hi," she rasped.

"Hi," I smiled. "I missed you while you were sleeping."

"Sorry. I would have much rather spent the whole time awake but my boyfriend is kind of a control freak and he insisted that I take a nap."

"He must love you a lot if he's willing to give up the pleasure of your company for the good of your health."

She shrugged mockingly. "Pssshhttt, I guess," she smiled.

"Stay put," I warned. "Let me go around and help you out."

"Are you going to follow me around for the next six weeks and do everything for me?" she mocked.

"If you'd let me," I razzed. "There will still be swelling and pain for a number of days. It's best to take it as easy as you can and keep your leg up if at all possible. It will make the healing go more smoothly."

"How do you know so much about broken bones?" she wondered. That would be the two medical degrees that I've earned in my eighty odd years as a vampire.

"My Father is a doctor, remember?"

"Oh yeah…staying put."

I pulled her crutches out first, and then opened her door for her. She took my hand and allowed me to pull her out. "Would you prefer to go the to door by yourself, or would you allow me to help you?" I wondered out loud.

"Charlie is going to make all kinds of fun of me either way so you may as well come meet him…if you want to."

"All right." I grabbed her bag out of the trunk and followed her up the porch. As she was taking her keys out I leaned in and kissed her forehead lightly.

"What was that for?"

"Because I know you'll kill me if I try to kiss you goodbye in front of Charlie." She rolled her eyes at me and smiled.

"If you're going to kiss me goodbye, with the potential of mountains of ridicule in getting caught by Charlie, you may as well make it worth our while." She fisted my shirt and pulled me towards her. I willingly leaned into her body and kissed her waiting lips. There was still a rush when our lips met and this was no exception. It was impossible to forget the delicate pressure of her mouth on mine, the warmth of her kiss, and her taste on my tongue, but no memory did justice to the real thing. I wanted to pull her to me and kiss her properly but I was worried about subverting her balance on the crutches, so I settled for the connection of our lips and poured my efforts into making it all it could be. I let her control it, working hard at giving her satisfaction while I enjoyed the sensuality of the union. She pulled back panting and looked up at me with liquid brown eyes.

"Was that better?" I whispered, planting one more chaste kiss on her lips before I pulled back completely.

"Much," she agreed breathlessly. "You're very good at the whole kissing thing," she mused, licking her lips and grinning while she opened the door.

"You're not so bad yourself," I offered in a quiet murmur as I held the door open so she could hobble inside.

"Charlie, I'm home." I heard a chair slide across the floor and footsteps. His mind was filled with worry for Bella's leg. A middle-aged man appeared, salt'n'pepper hair, clean-shaven, wearing jeans and a t-shirt and bare feet. By the looks of his appearance he was as laid back as my estimation of him had been. His face was blank but his mind was actively sizing me up. He wanted to know if I was the guy who had hurt Bella, and what I was doing here. He decided I looked harmless enough, although there was some apprehension about my age. His instincts were pretty spot on.

"Who's this?" he asked, pushing a hand through his hair roughly and then scratching at his chin.

"Charlie, this Edward Cullen. He…drove me home." I didn't expect her to introduce me as her boyfriend but I still hoped she would. I tried to hide my disappointment as she turned to look at me. "Edward, this is my Uncle Charlie."

"Edward, huh?" His impressions of me were satisfactory, that I looked clean cut and put together enough, and that I was perhaps a suitable alternative for Bella if she had to have a boyfriend. I was relieved that he wasn't diametrically opposed to me being with her.

I held my hand out to him politely and he shook it firmly. "Nice to meet you Charlie."

"Same here. Thanks for making sure she got home okay." There was relief in his thoughts that wasn't inferred by his tone, an affinity towards me for caring enough to make sure Bella got home safely. We were definitely on the same page in terms of wanting to keep Bella protected.

"It was my pleasure."

"So Bells, how's the leg?" Charlie chuckled. Just like Bella he hid his true thoughts in sarcasm and jokes. They were very alike and probably well suited to live together.

"It's fine, and remember, I am armed. Don't think I won't belt you with one of these crutches if you cross a line. I'm hurt, not maimed." Her punchy manner with him provided unambiguous proof of their easy relationship.

"Do you need help getting upstairs?" Charlie asked.

"No, thanks. I can make it fine on my own." I shot her a disapproving glance.

"Well I'll leave you two to it then," Charlie mumbled, turning around and heading back towards what I assumed was the kitchen. He was hesitating speaking his thoughts. As always he was concerned with saying too much and upsetting her. He stopped and turned back towards us. "Will I be seeing you soon Edward?" He was letting me know that despite Bella's exclusion of who I was to her, he knew very well that I was her boyfriend.

"Yes Sir, I think you will." Bella rolled her eyes and I smiled at her. Charlie shot Bella a knowing glance and walked away. He understood our entire relationship intuitively. "You must like that you have to say so little to him," I whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"He understands that we are together, does he not?"

"He does, but how do you know?"

"Just the look he gave you. Besides, I told you, most people are easy to read. So I will pick you up for school in the morning?"

"I can drive Edward. I'm not an invalid."

I expected her refusal. I softened my voice and widened my eyes to boost the effects of my persuasion. "You won't even take it easy for a few days, for me?"

"Oh don't pull that concerned charming boyfriend crap with me. My right foot is fine and driving will be a piece of cake."

"I thought you might like me to drive you," I pouted a little, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "But if you'd prefer to drive yourself, that's fine."

"I would," she stated sincerely. Her pout was much more advantageous in getting her what she wanted than mine had been.

"And you're sure you won't let me help you upstairs?"

"I'll be fine," she insisted. "I'll go up backwards on my ass so I won't fall, okay Mr. Worrywart?"

I stared down into her eyes with a fierce intensity. The idea of leaving her was physically painful to me. I'd been spoiled the last day having so much time alone with her. There were a hundred things I wanted to say but the words didn't seem like enough to express the strength of my emotions. So I just stared down at her and hoped she understood that I loved her so much that I didn't want to leave and that tomorrow seemed a lifetime away and that I would miss her. When I was finally able to tear my eyes away from her beautiful face and break the ardent connection, I didn't look back, going directly to my car and driving away. Even a moment of hesitation would have sent me running back to her because there wasn't a single part of me that wanted to be away from her.

*****

I waited at the piano for Alice to get home. She had some answers to give me, whether she wanted to or not. I picked away at the keys, following the jumbled collection of notes in my head, unsatisfied by the melody that resulted. The dynamics were wrong – the style too staccato, the function too fast – and there wasn't enough harmony to be pleasing to the ears. The inherent melody was hollow and lonely. It was not at all what I was feeling or what I had been surrounded with over the weekend, although admittedly I was nervous about Alice's behaviour. It was never good news when Alice kept things to herself. I heard her approach from miles away, travel brochures churning through her mind to keep me out. I sighed loudly, never good news.

I spoke to her before they even had the door closed. "You may as well tell me Alice. You know I'm not going to leave you alone until you let me in."

"I told you he wouldn't let it drop," Jasper murmured.

"You two deserve each other," Emmett mumbled, irritated as he passed by the living room on his way upstairs. "Rose, I'm home." He was never one to appreciate my silent communications with Alice.

I got up from the bench and went to the foyer. "So?" I questioned, staring only at Alice.

"I have nothing to say to you," she replied indignantly. "After how you treated me at the hotel you can hardly expect me to be friendly with you." She did her best to sound hurt but it was all a façade to protect her mind from my probing.

"All I did was give you a polite warning about your treatment of Bella. You were rude and Bella did nothing to offend you. You upset her with your curt behaviour."

"We just got in Edward," Jasper offered, trying to appeal to my sense of fairness and endearment for his mate.

"We both know that Alice would be expecting me," I replied coldly. "You can hardly expect me to back off when this involves Bella."

"Everything involves Bella," Jasper stated bitingly. "One would think no other human has ever existed the way you two go on about her. Really Edward, leave Alice alone. Give her some time to unpack and collect her thoughts."

"No, it's okay Jazz," Alice soothed, exchanging an understanding glance with him. They never had to say much to comprehend one another. "Edward, I don't have answers for you and if I show you what I saw, it will just upset you. I don't even know if it's real or if the decisions that affect it have been made already. I only know this one thing and it makes little to no sense on its own."

"I would appreciate seeing it Alice. Even if it makes no sense I would be better able to protect her if I have all the information."

"How do you even know she needs protecting?"

"You know what I mean Alice. Now please, just show me."

"I don't think it's a good idea Edward."

"Let me make up my own mind." And then I saw it, one quick flash of Bella in tears, and not just a few stray teardrops but long mournful sobs that begot puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. It was no ordinary upset, of that I was certain. I looked to Alice who stared back at me blankly.

"I told you Edward…and I'm sorry," she murmured sincerely. She wandered off a few moments later, leaving me to my thoughts, because she knew she had no further information that could help me. I leaned towards the wall for support as the single horrible image of Bella's undoing crashed down on me.

I checked on her that night, long after her neighbourhood had gone to sleep. I just needed to see that she was okay with my own eyes, to rid my mind of the image of her crying. I tried to push away the ominous pathos that was closing in around me. There wasn't enough information to know the cause of her impending sorrow and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I was responsible for it, or maybe just responsible to protect her from whatever hurt her. I wished I had insisted that she let me pick her up for school. The wait from now until her arrival tomorrow morning would be like purgatory.

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**A/N:** Reviews are greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear from you if you can take a second to make a comment.


	25. Spectacle

**A/N**: All characters and the story of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

I was reading a post about replying to reviews a week or so ago. It got me thinking… It's not that I never reply to reviews. I do. But I started thinking and had a bit of an epiphany. I realize I probably make more of reviews in my head than I probably should, but I sincerely appreciate them, whether they are two words or two hundred. I enjoy talking about the story. I love seeing people excited about it. I feel as if I beg for reviews, albeit politely, at the end of each chapter. I have no right to ask people to review my story if I'm not replying to reviews. So I spent the past 3 or 4 days replying to every review I was able to, since some of you have your PMs turned off. So if you saw me in your inbox a lot over the last few days that's why. I want you to know that I do appreciate the time you've taken to leave a comment, and to thank you for taking the time to read my story. So that's all :o) And really, just…thank you.

I apologize for the time between updates. It was important to me to deal with the reviews. And I've just realized it's daylight savings night so it's like seriously damn late, but I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer. 12:45 AM, which is like really 1:45 AM, but here it is.

**From Bella's POV**…

* * *

I slept like shit. I tried fifty different combinations of pillows and positions to find comfort and exhaustion took me before I ever found it. At least I was getting better with the crutches, more of a shuffle than a totter now. Despite being able to see Edward, I wasn't looking forward to going to school at all. I was already irritated by the idea of the stares and fucking nosey questions and having to explain what happened over and over again. Being with Edward already made me feel like I was under a microscope. Adding the broken leg and rescue on top of it just made that feeling all the more extreme. I wished I'd spent more time asking Edward what we were going to tell people, but mostly I wished people would just mind their own fucking business.

The drive to school wasn't bad. At least it wasn't my right leg that was broken, and driving was just like it always was. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot I spotted him and a huge smile spread across my lips, a reflex reaction to seeing him and remembering how he felt about me. I was going to have to get a hold of myself or it would take about five minutes before the entire school knew every last detail. Still, it was hard to contain the burst of emotion that I felt when I saw him, knowing that I could talk to him, or touch him, or even kiss him. He was leaning against his car and he looked so damn hot that my mouth began to water. His kind of hotness should be illegal, but I was glad it wasn't, because he was waiting for me and he was all mine.

He looked relieved to see me, and that made me happier than it probably should have. It meant I wasn't the only lovesick puppy in the couple. I almost called him a half dozen times last night just to hear his voice. I even considered sneaking him into my bedroom so I he could hold me like he had the night before. I'd never slept so fucking superlatively in all my life. Not that waking up next to his beautiful face hurt one bit either. I would definitely take advantage of those sleeping arrangements again if I had the chance. As soon as I pulled the truck into a spot, he started walking towards me. I popped the door open and maneuvered onto my crutches before I looked up at him.

"I'm getting better aren't I?" I asked proudly. He smiled my favourite crooked grin and my stomach did flip-flops. I decided somehow he must have gotten better looking overnight. I had no proof, but I was sure it was true.

"Yes," he agreed, "like an old pro." He reached into the cab and grabbed my bag. "Did you want me to put your backpack over your shoulder or shall I carry it for you?" he asked quietly.

"That depends," I whispered.

"On?" he murmured with a smirk. I couldn't help but giggle. I didn't have a fucking clue why I was whispering or why it was funny, but it was.

"Are you walking to me to class?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"Am I allowed?"

"Are you ready for the stares?"

"Am I allowed to walk you to class?" he pressed.

"And all the snickering?"

"Am I allowed?" he repeated with a laugh. Even his laugh was handsome, deep and throaty and hearty.

"I can feel the gossip mill whirling. It's going to be a windy day here at Forks High School."

He pressed his finger under my chin and forced me to look at him. "Bella," he whispered, "am I allowed to walk you to class?"

"Yes." I bit my lap and willed my blush to stay put, pointlessly. I could already feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

Edward let his finger drop and moved to stand beside me so I could start the walk to class. "If you'd like me to keep my distance and keep my hands to myself, may I recommend that you answer my questions and that you keep your blushing to a minimum."

His words only made me blush harder. "What?" I asked, hoping he'd explain his thoughts more fully.

He chuckled at my red cheeks and bent towards me so he could speak softly, right next to my ear. "You're beautiful when you blush. You're beautiful all the time, but the blushing makes you glow, and that makes it very hard for me to not reach out and stroke your cheek." His quiet voice was like a low purr in my ear and I shivered.

"Knock that shit off," I warned, trying to pretend I was pissed off but unable to keep the smile off my face.

"Sorry," he grinned, completely remorseless, straightening up and matching his stride to my hobble. I liked the way he angled his body towards me almost protectively. It was like another layer of defence that bulwarked me from the oppressive stupidity that was about to take over. He must have sensed my agitation. "Don't let them bother you. They're just jealous of me."

"I'm sure that's what they're thinking." I laughed at his pathetic attempt to make me feel better, not because it was funny but because I wanted to kiss him to thank him for understanding and didn't have the balls, and laughing seemed like the only appropriate alternative. Okay, it was a little bit funny too.

"They are," he assured me, and then corrected himself. "Well, the boys anyway." He shot a smirk at a visibly annoyed Mike Newton.

"Edward Cullen I think you're enjoying Mike's annoyance a wee bit too much for your own good," I whispered teasingly.

"Bella, he's so far beyond annoyed that he's considering physical violence against me," Edward snickered.

"He is not," I contradicted. "You couldn't know that."

"I assure you I'm reading him loud and clear. He's out for blood." Edward laughed out loud and I shot him a skeptical glare. I didn't understand what he was laughing so hard at. I glanced at Mike and I had to admit that he did look pretty fucking angry. Maybe Edward had a sixth sense in regard to reading people?

"Maybe you're the one out for blood?" I teased, hoping to make him laugh and draw his attention away from Mike. I felt a bit guilty for all the Mike jokes I'd made. I hadn't realized he was such as sore spot for Edward. Instead of laughing, Edward's face twisted into a grimace.

"Believe me when I say he is the last person whose blood I would be out for," he affirmed, his voice dripping with disgust. He laughed blackly and I just shook my head. Sometimes Edward had the strangest sense of humour.

"You're not trying to add to the dead bodies in your closet?"

"No, I wouldn't want his dead body in my closet. It would taint the other corpses."

I stopped, pulling one of my crutches up to block his path, and looked up at him, alarmed. "You don't seriously think I have a thing for him do you? I mean I know I make a lot of wise-ass jokes at his expense but you know I don't give the slightest shit about him, don't you? You have no reason to be upset by him. Even if there were no Edward and Bella, there certainly would not ever be a Mike and Bella. Please tell me you get that, or I've been horribly shitty at communicating not only my feelings for you, but my absolute fucking lack of any feeling at all for him."

"Relax Bella," Edward soothed. "I know that you don't care for him, and your jokes about him don't bother me in the slightest. What bothers me is his absolute inability to grasp that you are not his. It's all about his mindset Bella, nothing to do with you?"

"And how would you know about his mindset Edward?" I demanded. They weren't friends, not to my knowledge, and I couldn't imagine them ever having anything in common.

"I've overheard him talking Bella," he informed me. "And I know a little bit about the mind of a seventeen year old boy and how it works, at least give me that. I can see those little wheels in your mind turning. You're wondering how I would know him at all since we aren't the least bit friendly with one another."

"What the hell? Are you a mind reader?"

"I wish I could read your mind Bella," he laughed. "That would make things between us a lot easier."

"Uhhh, no!" I cringed. "That would be horrible. Then you'd have known that day in class, and oh my God, some of the thoughts I've had. It would most certainly not be easier if you could read my mind."

"Well you're in luck then, since I can't." Relief washed over me. Having Edward know every thought in my mind wouldn't just be embarrassing. It would be painfully vulnerable and just really fucking wrong. If he thought my mouth was foul, he should have heard some of my thoughts, particularly some of the ones I'd had about him. My mind was far from pure, and very much like a completely unedited version of what came out of my mouth, definitely not safe for general consumption. I finally looked away from Edward and realized that we were being watched by a large group of onlookers. I grunted and started for English, irritated, being gaped at, and about ready to bite someone's head off.

When we got to the door I turned to get my bag from Edward. He was looking a little upset. "You okay?" I wondered. Maybe the staring was getting to him too.

"Fine," he assured me, but his voice didn't convince me.

"Did I say something that upset you?" I wondered quietly.

"Not at all. I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine," I accused.

"It's nothing Bella. Will I see you in the quad later, or would you like me to walk you to your next class?"

"Let me try this one by myself."

"All right," he agreed. He gave me a small smile and started off to class.

"Edward?" I called after him.

He turned back to me with a confused look on his face. "Yes?"

I shuffled the few steps over to him so I could speak quietly to him. "I'd really like it if there weren't so many fucking people watching us."

"I know you don't like the attention," he murmured. His voice sounded a little sad.

"No…what I mean is…I'd like to kiss you…without half the goddamn school watching." His expression relaxed immediately, and a wide smirk replaced the hard set of his lips. It made me feel a thousand times better.

"I'll see you later," he promised, and I watched him walk away. It was a much happier activity than anything that waited for me the classroom of overcurious undersexed busybodies. I took one last deep breath before heading into English. Let the fucking nosey questions commence.

The morning was reminiscent of getting my hair highlighted, long and uncomfortable and just this side of painful. I thought I'd reached the pinnacle of mortification that day, wearing that ill-fitting and humiliating cap, resembling the half-bald freak show baby-doll that my neighbour Danny tortured once my hair was pulled through that stupid contraption. Well that day was paradise in comparison with today. I was the current in-the-know topic and I'd never felt so uncomfortably on display in my life. People that didn't know me were asking all sorts of personal fucking questions. People that barely knew me were answering those questions on my behalf, and with some heinously incorrect responses I might add. It was all one big sharefest, and I wanted no fucking part of.

I limped my way to the quad trying to find Edward after English, but was too fucking slow because of the crutches, and ended up being late for Government. On my next attempt to find Edward, I spilled my books everywhere trying to negotiate my crutches without slinging my backpack over my shoulder properly. I stopped trying to make it to the quad after that. Obviously fate was trying to tell me that I shouldn't have been such a dumbass about letting Edward walk me to class. The only benefit, albeit minor, in not having Edward walk me, was avoiding further questions. As it was, he was already a constant topic of supposition. Why had he rescued me? Why was he there when he didn't sign up for the ski trip? Were we secretly going out? Someone actually told Eric that Edward had pushed me over and injured me on purpose, and someone else said my broken leg was the result of me skiing into Edward. The stories were as varied as they come, and none of them were true. All of the untruths whirled around me until I was just short of frenzied and ready to kill the next person who spoke to me. As I hobbled my way along to Trig, all I was focused on was getting there without anyone else bugging me.

"How's the leg Bella?" Of course the next person had to be Mike.

"Fine," I grumbled, trying very hard to send out the signals that I was so not in the mood for his shit today.

"Are you going to tell me how it happened?" he wondered. There was a possessive edge to his tone that I did not like. Maybe Edward was more right about Mike's attitude towards me than I gave him credit for.

"I'm sorry Mike. I didn't get the memo that informed me that I _owed _you an explanation."

"Well from what I heard, Cullen made you ski some trail that you couldn't handle and then left you behind after your fell. Is that true?"

I huffed, irritated. Why couldn't Edward have been here to explain this shit? He was so much better at handling people than I was, and I couldn't let Mike believe that Edward would do such a shitty thing. "No, it's not true. Why the fuck would he do that?"

"Because he's a dickhead."

I snorted. "Takes one to know one," I mumbled disbelievingly. "For your information, not that I owe you a fucking thing, Edward had nothing to do with me falling and everything to do with getting me the help I needed. He was nothing but good to me, so why don't you shut the fuck up and mind your own business?"

"Are you serious?" I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't believe me.

"Mike, I know you're an idiot but do you really think I'd take the time to explain if I was just going to lie about it? For the sake of making this easier on me, I'm going to help a motherfucker out. Yes, I'm serious. Edward got me to first aid after I fell."

"So he must like you then?" he demanded.

"That's a question that you'd have to take up with Edward, Mike," I suggested. I probably shouldn't have even pitched the idea. Given Edward's animosity towards Mike it was like inviting trouble.

"Well do you like him?" He looked like a lost little boy that had been smacked by the mopey stick, his expression sullen and his mouth drawn into a pout. He'd clearly already decided that I did like Edward.

"Who I like or don't like is none of your business Mike."

"I've got a right to know who's after you?"

My eyes widened in shock. I didn't think Mike was even capable of being this big an asshole. "How do you figure that? Because we're such good friends or because I've told you about seven hundred and twenty-two times that I'm not interested in you?"

"Well someone's got to look out for you Bella."

"I can look after myself just fine," I assured him.

"No you can't," he disagreed. "Look what you did to yourself while you were skiing? You're just that sort of girl who needs someone to look after her." If my mobility was better, I would have punched him square in the jaw, goddamn irritating little fucker. He deserved whatever he got from Edward.

"And you're just the guy to fill the job?" I questioned sarcastically.

"Yeah, I am."

"Well you're going to have to take that up with Edward too then Mike. Currently he's filing the position of my looker-after, you piece of shit."

"Bella," he complained.

"We're done talking Mike." I threw my hand up at him as he started to speak again. There was no way I was saying another fucking word to him. I let him leave, giving him a wide berth before I took a single step. It was in his best interest to stay away from me from now on, or risk my wrath. I'm pretty sure getting beat up by a girl on crutches wouldn't do much to help his rep.

Jessica would not let up during Spanish. Her attention was transparent and laughable since she'd never been interested in talking to me before. Now that I might all of a sudden be able to get her closer to the mysterious Edward Cullen she was my new best friend, kissing my ass and fawning all over me and making a total fucking nuisance of herself. I got the feeling she was way into Edward, like to the point of obsession. I would have to ask Edward later if he knew her. The way she spoke about him made it seem like she knew him well, but I had my doubts. When the bell finally rang and I left the classroom, the relief in seeing Edward outside the door was divine. I didn't even try and hide my happiness. I just shuffled over to him, trying to let the crap that people had put on me all morning fall away. None of it mattered now. Edward was happy to see me too, but looked a little distracted.

"Are you okay?" he wondered.

"Nothing I can't handle," I assured him. "Just the crap that we knew would rain down on us."

"Did you have a lot of people bothering you?"

"Not really," I lied. "Are you okay? You look…distracted."

"Just something I heard through the grapevine that upset me. Is it true what Mike said to you?" His voice was very controlled and calculating, but his eyes were wild.

"Edward, I don't care what that dumb shit thinks, but I do have something to tell you. When I was talking to him I kind of…well I sort of told him that we were together. I mean I didn't come right out and say we were together, but I intimated it. I hope that's okay?"

Edward's mouth twisted into a self-satisfied smirk but his expression was still dark. "What did he say to you Bella?"

"Oh just a bunch of bullshit about what he thinks I need. It doesn't matter Edward. I don't care what he thinks. I care about whether or not you're mad at me though."

"Of course I'm not angry with you Bella," he soothed, his expression softening to match the consolatory tone of his voice. "I'm happy that you told him. What I'm not happy about is the disgustingly disrespectful way he treated you." Edward's perturbation was palpable.

"Let's get out of here?" I suggested in an almost pleading tone.

"Where would you like to go?"

"Anywhere. We can just sit in the truck or go for a drive. I just want to be away from all of this shit." His brow furrowed while he studied my face. "I just want to be alone, you and me."

"Of course," he murmured, taking my backpack off my shoulder for me.

"Go," I told him, "I'll follow behind you." I felt almost like I was fleeing the scene of a crime, desperate to get away and not be followed, urgently needing anonymity. I shuffled as fast as I'd ever moved on the crutches, putting more weight on my cast than I should have in an effort to move more quickly. He had the door of the Volvo opened for me as I reached the car and I hastily lumbered in.

"Be careful," Edward petitioned. "You don't want to hurt yourself further." I rolled my eyes as he moved to get in, always the worrier.

"You can just go park on the other side of the school for some privacy. We don't have to drive anywhere. Besides, I'd rather have your attention than have you pay attention to the road," I admitted. I hoped I didn't sound as needy as I felt.

"They are really getting to you, aren't they?" Edward asked softly, as he pulled the car out of the parking lot. I waited as he drove around to the far side of the school and parked on the road before I answered.

"I don't understand why everyone is so interested in us," I admitted. "And I don't like people making up shit or saying things about you that aren't true."

Edward's eyes bore into mine with the weight of his words. "I don't care what people think about me. The only opinion I care about is yours. Don't let them bother you. The Cullens have always been a topic of gossip for this town. I'm sorry that their interest in my family spills over into your life."

"Don't you feel invaded though?" I wondered.

"I guess it's different for us. We have each other. We aren't looking for acceptance or trying to fit in. We're only here to go to school."

"So the staring and gossip and rumours don't bother you in the slightest?" I was wavering between jealousy that he was actually able to maintain his indifference, and anger that I couldn't.

"It's been this way for as long as I can remember."

"And you never just wanted to say 'fuck you all! Stay out of my business?'"

"They aren't in my business. They don't know me and they can say whatever they want, it doesn't make it true. It's not as if me getting angry about it will change their blathering." I knew he was right, but I couldn't shrug it off as easily as he could. "Can you tell me why it bothers you so much?" he requested softly.

"For the past twelve months, nothing in my life has been in my control, and I'm so fucking sick of it. I just want to feel like I'm in control of my own life, that I have some say in who is in it and what direction it's headed in. I just want to be left alone."

"Is that really what you want?"

"I guess I don't want to be left alone by everyone, but I certainly don't what every kid in the damn high school knowing what's going on in my life. Don't I have the right to some anonymity?"

"If that's what you want, then yes. I understand the desire for anonymity. I've been guilty of it myself."

"Then how do you not let them get to you?"

"I'm not really sure. I guess I'm just used to be on the fringe of everything, used to not caring what anyone but myself thinks. Then again, I have control of my life. Carlisle and Esme never forced me to stay with them. It was always a choice."

"There's never a choice for me. No one asked me how I felt when my Mom got sick. No one asked if I wanted to move, or stay, or start my life all over again. The universe just came in with its wrecking ball and destroyed everything that ever meant anything to me. If I don't keep you to myself, maybe the universe is going to come in and take you too?"

"You don't really think that do you?" he murmured softly. His face was very serious as he stared back at me and waited for me to answer.

"Not consciously, no," I admitted. "But ultimately, it's inevitable, and that I do believe."

"Bella I'm not going anywhere. Why won't you believe that?"

"Everybody fucking leaves Edward. It's just the way it is."

"So you think if you tell people about us that the universe is going to separate us all the faster?" he asked disbelievingly.

"I don't know, maybe?" I bit my lip and closed my eyes, letting my head fall forward. I felt like a total fucking idiot. Saying it out loud made it sound so much stupider than it sounded in my head and I didn't know how to make it sound sensible to him. "Everyone I've ever loved, or could have loved in the case of my Dad, was taken from me before I was ready to let them go. I just want time to figure out you and me…to understand how we fit into the bloody world…to find a way to deserve your love. Having everyone talking about us like we are some kind of entity that exists for the sole purpose of gossipmongering…having everyone discussing us like we're breaking news…" I shook my head in disgust. "It just feels so personal. I just want time to understand my feelings before they're tainted by everyone else's shit."

He reached out and picked up my hands in his, squeezing them soothingly. "Bella," he whispered. There was so much emotion in his voice that it made me look up at him. He was gazing back at me so intensely, with a sadness in his eyes that I couldn't place. "If I could make them leave us alone, I would. If I could give you back what you've lost, I'd gladly sacrifice myself to get it for you. But I can't do either. What I can do is promise that nobody is going to touch us. I won't let them come between us Bella."

"But don't you get it Edward? They can say whatever they want, about either of us. They can spew their venom on whoever is willing to listen and eventually it's going to become accepted knowledge. Nobody cares if you and I end up as road kill."

"But we won't," he assured me. "They can't touch us if we don't let them."

"So you're okay if everyone is walking around calling me names? Disrespecting me? Making up shit? I'm not okay with that. When Mike told me his version of the ski trip, I felt compelled to correct him because there was no way in hell I was going to let him think badly of you."

"I will gladly put Mike in his place," Edward seethed, clenching his teeth.

"You don't get it," I whispered, looking away. "They know…they all know that you and I don't make sense…and the more they point it out the sooner you'll see it too."

"You listen to me Isabella Marie Swan." My eyes darted back to his at the sound of my full name. "I am in love with _you_. There is nothing you or anyone can do to change my feelings. I don't care if anyone sees us as wrong for one another or thinks we shouldn't be together. I know…I can feel it in my heart that we are meant to be together. And whether you believe it or not, you are so deserving of my love. I wish you'd believe that. I will never stop loving you and I will never leave you. I am here for as long as you want me to be."

"You can't make that promise," I whispered.

"I can and I am, but if you don't believe me I understand that. At least believe that no one is going to change the way I feel about you? This is not some fickle crush Bella. I love you." I wanted to believe him, more than anything, but my brain was not a doubt-free zone.

"I love you too," I murmured. His hand came up to stroke my cheek gently.

"I hate seeing that expression on your face," he breathed, bending in to kiss me. As soon as his lips touched mine the question of what expression he was talking about evaporated. The pressure of his mouth on mine secured my compliance, my doubts about his feelings changing melting away in the emotion of his kiss. I wanted to crawl into his lap and glue myself to his body and let his love soothe away all the shit that the world wanted to bury us in, but I was helpless to maneuver in the tight space of the car with my stupid cast. Instead, I pressed my face towards his, awkwardly bumping my nose into his face in an effort to remove any distance between us. I threaded my hand into his hair and let the texture of his scalp ease my stress. I filled my nose with his fantastic smell and let it and his kiss take me under.

I was already panting when his tongue came out and skillfully traced my bottom lip. He'd mastered the control and the lightness of its touch, and it ignited every sexual instinct in my body. I shoved my tongue out at his shamelessly. His taste was never disappointing, as sweet as candy and refreshingly cool. It was just another thing about him that turned me on. I moaned softly and fisted his hair and plunged my tongue into his mouth as far as I could. My reward was a groan that rumbled from his chest and his hand sliding off my cheek and into my hair, pulling me closer still. It was so fucking sexy to me that he liked that.

He had uncanny instincts when it came to understanding how I liked to be kissed. I was pushing myself at him with little success, wanting to feel him against my body, and somehow he knew what I was seeking. He shifted his weight against me and eased me back into the seat so gently it was like landing on clouds. Slowly, he continued to lean his body into mine, and press against me further, giving me exactly what I was after without ever being asked. He was ridiculously gifted in giving me love the way I wanted it. I pulled him even closer, pressing my chest into his so I could feel every bit of his upper body pressed against my breasts. The sensation overwhelmed me, and I whimpered against his tongue as I felt the moisture between my legs soak my panties. I wanted to stroke him and find out if our kiss was affecting him the way it was affecting me, but there was no way I could move my arm to reach him without pushing his body away from mine and that was the last thing I wanted. I wondered if he would think it was too forward if I was able to do what I wanted. I had no idea how fast or slow he wanted to move things between us.

I came crashing back down to Earth when I heard the cackle from outside the car and Edward pulled back from our kiss. "Oh my God!" she gasped, one hundred percent ditzy clueless valley girl. There stood Jessica, fucking gaping at us. We were so totally busted. Edward shot her an angry glare that sent her sharkin it in record time. He could be scarily imposing when he wanted to be, which I admired, particularly at that moment.

"Goddamn it!" I complained. Of all the people that had to see us, it had to be the biggest fucking mouthpiece in school.

"I'm sorry Bella," he murmured, his face drawn in an uncomfortable grimace.

"It's fine." I tried to calm down and look at the whole picture, like Edward would have, instead of flying off the handle like I wanted to. It wouldn't fix anything.

"I know you'd have rather kept us private," he remarked quietly.

"Hey," I petitioned softly, waiting for him to look at me before I continued. "I'm not ashamed to be with you Edward, and I wouldn't have traded that kiss for anything, not even for avoiding getting caught. She's a good for nothing gossip. Everybody is already talking about us anyway. Maybe her rumours will stop the ones that are spreading shitty things about you."

He smiled a very genuine smile back at me, and I wondered what was going on in his head. I'd been so caught up in mine all day that I hadn't much considered how all of the crap was affecting him. "You never cease to amaze me," he informed me.

I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Amaze?"

"I thought you'd be very upset by Jessica's intrusion and the idea that she will tell everyone she found us kissing. Instead you put it all into perspective and land up making me feel better in the process. How do you do that?"

I shrugged and grinned. "I don't know. Maybe I've finally found the one thing on this Earth that I do better than anyone else – keep Edward Cullen's demons away?"

His hand snaked up under my hair to hold the side of my face as his longest fingers curled around the back of my neck. "I think you have found the thing you're best at, and it's loving me." He leaned in and brushed a feathery kiss against my lips. "We have to get going to biology," he murmured against my mouth.

"Yes, that's exactly what I want to do after you kiss me and let your lips ghost over mine while you speak. Umm-huh." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Sorry," he laughed, "but you're so slow on those damn crutches that if we don't get moving we're going to be late."

I slapped his shoulder playfully. "Great, make fun of the gimp."

He leaned in close to me again. "I'm just being preemptory," he assured me with a very sly grin. "I've got plans for you after school that involve a lot more privacy than the detention room offers."

I shoved the door of the Volvo open and scrambled out. I was all for getting biology over with now, anything to get to our after school activities faster.

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**A/N: **Reviews are greatly appreciated if you'd like to take the time to leave a comment.


	26. Extracurriculars

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of it's characters in English, Spanish, French, German, Greek and every other language I might have used along the way to say it.

I have nothing important to add about the chapter really. It's just some yummy delicious Edward/Bella interaction. Enjoy!

**From Edward's POV**…

* * *

I watched Bella carefully during gym to make sure Mike Newton left her alone. She was easy to find; Mike's eyes rarely left her. Her broken leg had relegated her to the station of spectator, a by-product of her injury that pleased her more than probably any other. For whatever reason her teacher had required her to dress for gym even though she never got off the bleachers. The fact that she seemed content eased my mind a small amount.

Mike's thoughts ranged from jealousy to embarrassment and remorse over how he'd treated her earlier in the day. He hadn't picked the exact meaning out of Bella's words about me, but he was on the verge of it. I was sure it was his inability to believe that he wasn't her choice that held him back from complete comprehension that Bella was with me now. If there were any balance in the universe, the job of dealing the final fatal blow to Mike's irritating covetiveness of Bella would be mine. Unlike Bella, I was more than eager to spend as much time as it took with Mike to get him to see the truth. I'd heard every disrespectful word he'd spoken to Bella earlier and my patience was gone. He needed to understand that he had less that zero claim on her, and he needed to understand it now.

I waited outside on the picnic tables for Bella. She asked that I meet her in the parking lot, and I allowed her to believe that she fooled me. She was simply trying to keep me away from having a run in with Mike. I thought it was rather sweet that she was worried about me, however unnecessary it was. I knew I didn't have to chase a discussion with Mike. It was inevitable that he would make another mistake. Mistakes were all he ever seemed to make. In fact, he was thinking about how to handle me at that very moment, on his way to find me. Opportunity was on my doorstep and I waited for it to knock.

Mike marched over to me and wasted no time giving me his opinion. "I don't like you hanging around with Bella," he remarked angrily. He was all bravado in his mind, but it didn't translate to his demeanour as successfully as he thought it did.

"Noted," I affirmed. "However, since the company Bella keeps is not your concern, it's a moot point. In fact Mike, _Bella_ is not your concern. At all. I understand that you have a childish fantasy that you and she are a couple, and believe me when I say it provides me with a great deal of drollery as well as irritation, but that fantasy will never materialize beyond your ignoble and paltry mind."

"Huh?"

I snickered at his stupidity. "Let me lower myself to your level," I offered. "She is with me, Mike. She has not ever and does not currently like you. You are irritating and bothersome to her, and I would very much like you to move on to some other unsuspecting girl. Bella is off the market."

"You don't know what you're talking about Cullen. Bella would have told me if she was…dating you or whatever."

"She did, Fool. This morning she told you that I was the one looking after her and that you had to take it up with me if you didn't like it. Are you?" I wondered. His mind was running through this morning's conversation with Bella, searching for a way to reinterpret her words to suit his desires.

"Am I what?" he sputtered defensively.

"Are you taking up your dislike of my relationship with Bella with me?" I spoke slowly so as not to confuse the poor boy.

"You have no right to her Cullen."

"That's true, and neither do you. Bella is free to be with whoever _she chooses_, although I have it from a fairly confident source that even if I was not her choice, that you never would be."

"You're so full of yourself Cullen. You…" I interrupted him before he went too far. I was a controlled man, but even I was not above provocation.

"As Bella would say, 'it takes one to know one.' You are no less arrogant than I am. The difference that separates us is that my importance in Bella's life has been confirmed by Bella herself."

He took a swing at me and I dodged his fist effortlessly, but got to my feet anyway as his stance widened, his mind wavering between backing off and trying to hit me again. He was trying to decide what his chances were if he took things to an even more physical level. The breeze carried Bella's scent to my nose. She was nearby, likely looking for me. I had hoped I would be finished with Mike before she had to witness his idiocy.

"I'm not backing off Bella to make room for a dick like you Cullen," Mike seethed. His voice was loud enough that Bella probably heard him.

"Well at least you can't say you weren't warned." I offered my caveat sincerely. It was in Mike's best interest to back off, and the immediate danger wasn't coming from my direction. Bella was not the sort of girl to put up with the disrespectful behaviour he brandished her with earlier in the morning.

Bella appeared from around the corner of the hedges. "What's going on guys?" she asked worriedly, awkwardly shuffling the last of the distance to where we were standing.

"Nothing, Bella," I assured her. "Mike was just letting me know he doesn't like us hanging around together."

"Yeah, and this asshole was trying to lay claim to you. I told him he was full of shit."

"Nice Mike," Bella fumed, rolling her eyes at him. "You're never going to get this through that fucking thick head of yours, are you?" She leaned toward me and accidentally threw her balance off. My hands came out to catch her.

"See? Just like I said you need someone to look after you," Mike announced. In his mind Bella's falter was just the proof he needed to convince Bella that she needed him. To him, there really was no other option.

"Are you all right?" I murmured softly, bending towards her ear. I was worried she might have hurt herself when she stumbled. She looked upset and angry.

"I'm fine," she assured me. "But poor Mike over here needs a brain transplant." I snickered. I couldn't help myself. Bella had a way of putting everything into perspective with her swift wit.

"Come here Bella," Mike demanded, holding his hand out to her. I froze. I wanted nothing more than to smite him down, but it was Bella's choice. I kept my hands on her shoulders loosely and fought the urge to pull her to me. She was perfectly capable of handling Newton, and if I forced my will on her it made me no better than him.

"What is with you?" she blurted angrily. "Don't you get it? How many times are you going to force me to say it? I don't enjoy being mean, well not this repeatedly. If you'd just get it through your head that I am not the least bit interested in you it would make things so much fucking easier on everyone."

"You don't know what you're saying," Mike accused. "You're just listening to the bullshit that Cullen has been spewing about me. He doesn't deserve a girl like you Bella. He's a freak."

"He's no more a freak than I am. Just because he's different than you doesn't mean he's defective, you small-minded asshole! And I know exactly what I'm saying. Edward's never called you a single name or said anything against you out loud, although I'm sure he's thought it, you fuckhead. Unlike you he keeps his opinions to himself."

"Look at him Bella! He's got you convinced that he's this perfect guy but you _know_ that he's treated you like dirt. He doesn't deserve your loyalty and he sure as hell doesn't deserve to put his hands on you."

"Ugh, you're fucking impossible. Forget Edward. I don't want you Mike. Hear me!" she growled, frustrated.

I bent to Bella's ear again and whispered, "Let me take you out of here, please? You shouldn't be dealing with Mike right now. You've been on your feet all day. Let me take you home to rest."

"No, it's fine," she reassured me, adjusting her tone to a casual confidence. She turned back to Mike. "We're done here Mike. I really don't want to have this conversation with you again."

"I'm not going to stop fighting for you Bella. Once Cullen stops influencing you, you'll change your mind. I can see what he's doing to you."

"Fine Mike. It's your funeral." When Bella turned and started walking towards the parking lot, Mike's mind scrambled and he made the decision to physically stop her. He knew so little of her likes and dislikes, or ignored them, but either way I wasn't going to allow him to grab her.

"I wouldn't touch her Mike, not unless you're looking for a problem," I warned.

He ignored me and as Bella turned back to me, he laid his hand overtop of hers. "Get your fucking hand off me Newton," she hissed. He stared back at her, startled by her reaction, and his mind went completely blank from shock. When he did not remove his hand, Bella went rigid for a moment, and then let her right crutch drop to the ground. I was waiting, wondering why Mike wasn't reacting to her movements. It was almost as if he couldn't see what was coming for him, even though I could clearly see what Bella was doing, one very well aimed and powerful right cross to his mouth. It sent him stumbling backwards, but it gave Bella exactly what she was after. Mike's hand flew off of hers and up to cover his now bleeding lip.

I shrugged and bit my lip to keep from laughing. "I warned you." I took a step towards Bella, picked up her crutch and handed it to her. "Nice shot," I whispered, curling my arm around the small of her back to will her forward. I allowed her take a few steps before I asked her if she was okay. She growled a bit and I let her be, following behind her and chuckling under my breath. I would have preferred to hit the cretin myself, but there was poetic justice in Bella's vice since she had to deal with the halfwit.

She stopped in front of her truck and her body was so rigid from agitation that I could see the tension in her shoulders. I stayed behind her, but moved my hand to her neck, sliding it under her hair and lightly rubbed her skin trying to soothe her. "I'm sorry that you have to put up with him," I whispered. "I would have been glad to take care of him, but I know you didn't want that. Tell me one thing though? Did it feel as good to hit him as you thought it would?" She laughed so hard her shoulders shook, and then she turned to face me. Her expression was a mixture of remorse and joy. "Don't feel badly for striking him," I pleaded. "He had it coming."

"I don't get him Edward. Why does he have to be such a prick? Why does he have to push so damn hard that I land up punching the motherfucker? Why can't he just be happy for me?"

"He has feelings for you," I murmured softly, "and he can't comprehend how you could feel differently than he does. Would you really expect him to be happy that you've given your heart away to someone?"

"Oh come on Edward! I've never given him any fucking encouragement."

"You can't expect him to see the situation from anyone's point of view but his own. I understand the desire behind his feelings. He sees a beautiful brunette that is full of fire and life. Why would he ever want to give up the dream of making you his?" She rolled her eyes, trying to disguise the embarrassment she felt from my compliment, but I could see a tiny amount of colour rise to her cheeks. I changed the subject so she wouldn't feel more uncomfortable. "How are you feeling?" I wondered. "Are you up to some company or did you want to go home and rest?"

"You're not getting out of things that easily buddy," she warned me. "You promised me extracurriculars. I haven't forgotten."

My hand came up to cup her face. I didn't feel conspicuous. The parking lot was deserted. "Bella," I cautioned, "you've had a long day. You should rest." My desire to continue our kiss from earlier seemed entirely selfish.

"Edward, it's a broken leg, not the end of the world. I'm fine," she assured me with the tiniest hint of a pout. She really wasn't playing fair. She knew I couldn't resist that expression.

"Okay," I agreed, tracing her pouting lips with my thumb, "on one condition. Allow me to drive. I can bring you back here to pick up your truck later, but as long as you're with me I want to drive."

"Done," she allowed, with no resistance. She gave in much more easily than I expected. Perhaps I should have demanded more, an entire evening with her, or maybe half the night. I would love to hold her all night again. I never felt more centered and peaceful than I had the night I held her. I knew she was safe. I could feel her heart beating against my body, keeping time like a clock. Her warmth made me feel alive again. It was heaven.

"That was too easy," I teased. "You're not usually so agreeable."

"I was wrong today," she admitted quietly.

"About what?"

"I should have let you walk me to class. I don't really know what I'm doing here…I've never been this close to anyone before, and I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up the proper reaction six ways from Sunday."

"Did something happen?" I asked. I'd watched her carefully. I hadn't seen her fall or hurt herself. Her crutches had made her late for class once, but that was all I noticed.

"No, not really. It was just a long morning without you." I got the feeling she was holding something back from me, but I let it drop for the moment, leading her to my car and helping her in. "So where are you taking us?"

"I'm taking you home."

"Edward!" she complained.

"I'm only kidding. I really just wanted to take you somewhere we could be alone, where you would be comfortable. I thought about the beach, but I wasn't sure the sand was a good idea for your cast. And the only other place I wondered about was the forest, to our little clearing."

"That sounds perfect."

"The forest it is then," I smiled, pleased that she seemed as happy about going there as I was. We were in our own little world there, alone and in the place where we first connected. It was special to me.

We drove in silence for a while. Bella seemed preoccupied, always gazing out the window, and I wondered if perhaps she was still trying to keep something from me.

"You're sure the forest will be okay with your leg?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Mmm-huh," she pledged.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

"Pardon?" she asked.

"What are you thinking about?" I petitioned softly.

"Nothing really." I could tell that she was putting me off. I moved my hand from the gearshift and slid it along her seat, stopping a couple of inches from her hand. I turned my hand palm up and stretched my fingers out, opening my hand for her. I knew she'd sense it beside hers because the closer I moved it to her body, the stronger I felt her pull. Her hand moved towards mine slowly, and when her palm connected with my skin, her fingers fanned out along my hand and she sighed softly. She finally turned to look at me.

"Are you still thinking about earlier?"

"Yes."

"About what the kids at school might be saying?"

"Not so much," she admitted.

"Then what?" I asked. I couldn't imagine where her mind was.

"It's silly, really," she complained. Her eyes fell to her lap and I knew it wasn't silly at all. Whatever Bella was thinking about was making her uncomfortable, and whatever it was, it was important to her.

"I doubt it's silly Bella, and even if it is, you can tell me. I want you to know that everything important to you is important to me too." I pulled the car over to the edge of the road and parked it. "Do you want to walk, or would you like me to carry you?"

"Carry me please," she whispered in the softest voice I'd ever heard her use. She was feeling vulnerable. I was beginning to think that this outing was a bad idea. I should have just taken her home. She'd had a long emotional day. It was selfish of me to bring her out here, even if she did want to come. I went around to her side of the car and opened the door. She looked up at me with expectant eyes and I knew I couldn't deny her the forest now that we were here. I would have to be more careful with my decisions next time. I bent in and lifted her carefully into my arms. Her tiny hands came up to hold my neck, and just like every other time I'd held her like that, the action brought such love and longing in me. It was like she was meant to be in my arms like this, holding on to me, and connected to me.

"Are you sure about this?" I murmured softly in her ear.

"Please?" she requested in a whisper. She knew I wouldn't deny her what she wanted.

I walked the distance to the clearing with Bella resting comfortably in my arms, her head nestled into my shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again, worried. She nodded, tipping her chin up to look at me. She was so beautiful, almost angelic, with her deep brown eyes wide and wistful. I went to put her down on a fallen tree trunk and she complained.

"Please don't," she begged, holding on to me a little more tightly. I sat down instead, pulling her into my lap. I left my arms around her, moving my hand from beneath her knees up to encircle her waist, cradling her to my body. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're so quiet. Are you sure there's nothing bothering you?" I questioned.

"It's not bothering me…it's just silly."

"Please tell me," I implored her quietly, tangling my hand into the ends of her hair. Her eyes came to mine and she stared intensely back at me.

"I missed you today," she whispered. "I just feel better when you're nearby." Her admission was a difficult thing for her to say to me because she was acknowledging that she needed me. It couldn't be less silly if she tried. I was so overcome with emotion; I couldn't find the words to answer her. Instead I pressed my lips to hers, probably harder than I should have, but only because I was lost in my love for her. All of this quiet contemplation of hers, her vulnerability and discomfort, were because her feelings for me were so strong.

I pulled back a little, murmuring I love yous between kisses. I needed to say it to her as much as I wanted her to hear it. She kissed me back each time with building intensity, echoing my words in an almost desperate, inconsolable voice. Each time I pressed my lips to hers I willed my love to soothe her. I held her close to me and kissed her sweetly, patiently waiting for some sign that she was back in the present with me, instead of drowning in her fears and emotions, as I feared. Finally, her hand knit into my hair and I knew she was back in the moment with me.

"I missed you too," I admitted softly, stroking her cheek with my fingertips. "It's very…difficult for me to be away from you. I feel so much more peaceful when you're with me, in my arms." I didn't give her a chance to answer me, pressing my lips back into hers as my own emotions crashed down on me again. Her yielding mouth came back at mine with perfect pressure, and her tiny hand pulled my face closer to hers. I felt as if I couldn't get her close enough to me, my arms snaking around her and pulling her body even tighter against mine, eliciting a soft moan from her that further electrified the air around us.

I parted my lips and offered her my tongue, which she willingly accepted, twirling and pressing against me with all of her sweetness. Her taste made my tongue tingle and stirred something deep within my core. I let one of my hands drift up her back a small amount until I felt her soft hair tickling my skin. She chuckled against my lips. I'd given myself away too many times with how much I liked her hair. She had every right to chuckle. I wasn't ashamed of how much her hair turned me on, and she'd just given me carte blanche to touch it at my will. I shamelessly plunged my hand into it, bunching it in my palm and letting it cascade over the sides, twisting and tangling the ends around my fingers and groaning softly. Her hair was so sexy.

I let my other hand deviate to her waist. They way I'd tilted her body in my arms caused her jacket to ride up, exposing a small amount of her creamy warm skin. My fingers instinctively found it. I fingered it with a feathery touch, following the line of her waistband as I traced where the fabric met her skin. When I could resist no longer, I allowed my hand to sweep across it, aching to feel its warmth on my palm, and tunnelled my fingers up under her shirt. Her body tensed for a moment as she gasped at the sensation, and then relaxed into my touch. I was right there with her, so overcome by the feeling of her bare skin that I could scarcely think straight. In fact, I could hardly think at all.

Her tiny hand came out of my hair and she forced it between our bodies, slowly and awkwardly unzipping my coat. Her hands burrowed between my shirt and coat, and I wished I had more warmth to offer her. She didn't seem to miss it though, as her fingers pushed into my back and she pulled herself into my chest. I didn't realize at first what she was doing, too caught up in the sensation of her fingers kneading my back. She was pulling at my shirt, untucking it from my jeans and searching out my skin the way I did hers. She'd felt my skin once before and seemed unbothered by its hardness and temperature. It was another reaction opposite to what I would expect. Then again, that night she had been so angry with me for being late for our date that perhaps her emotions distracted her from the sensations. I tensed a little, worried that it would turn her off, feeling the shame of what I was and that I was keeping it from Bella.

Bella angled her head further and pushed her tongue into my mouth commandingly. I tried to concentrate on her kiss as I felt her fingers inch slowly down my back. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off, each agonizing second ticking haltingly and taunting me as I waited for her rejection. The warmth of her fingertips was striking against my skin but it was me that gasped, not her. She pulled back from our kiss with guilty eyes.

"I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?" she asked quietly.

"Not at all…it's just…" I didn't know what to say to explain my thoughts.

"What?" she smiled knowingly. Did she not feel the temperature difference?

"My skin…"

"Did you not want me to touch it?" she wondered innocently.

"Quite the contrary actually, it's just…well it's…" My verbal circumvention was getting me nowhere. I didn't want to outright lie to her, but I also didn't want to avoid speaking about something that could very well bother her.

"Is it because it's so cool?"

"Doesn't it bother you?" I asked, surprised.

"No, does it bother you that mine is always so damn hot all the time?"

"Of course not," I laughed. "I love how warm you are."

"Then it should make sense to you that I love how cool you are." It made no sense to me at all.

"You're unbelievable. You really were sent here for me, weren't you?" I whispered, smiling. It was unfathomable to me that she could look past the morbidly cold temperature of my skin, yet she was entirely unfazed by it.

"Where was I?" she mumbled, purposely dragging her fingers along the bare skin of my lower back. "Right there I think."

I pressed my lips back into hers, dipping her body further back with my arms, showering her with love and adoration. She was a wonder, my wonder. My tongue tangled into her mouth, pushing and pressing against hers until she was panting. I slid my hand to the bare skin of her lower back again and revelled in its warmth, forcing the fabric aside so I could feel even more than what was already exposed. She moaned against my kiss, apparently revelling a little herself.

Time ceased to mean anything. It was just her and me and the affection that existed between us. I could have kissed her for hours, just sitting there with her in my lap, happy, warming me, showering me with love I didn't even know I needed a few weeks ago. It was her shiver that brought me back down to Earth. I slowed down our kiss, smiling as she whimpered her complaints, lingering at her lips longingly and taking the last bit of contact I could.

"I should get you home," I murmured.

"I'm happy here."

"I am too," I sighed, "but you're cold and it's getting late."

"And your point would be?" she snarked.

"That you're cold, and it's getting late," I laughed. "There's always tomorrow Bella."

"I hate that saying."

"Why's that?" I wondered.

"Because there isn't always a tomorrow." Her expression was suddenly glum.

"There is for us. I promise." My words didn't seem to soothe her. I got to my feet and let Bella's weight rest in my arms, waiting for her to grab my neck. "Aren't you going to hold on?"

"If I don't, will you let us stay here?"

"Charlie will worry, and you have homework to do. You don't want to fall behind in your school work or your Uncle will give you trouble."

"I think you're channelling him."

"I just want what's best for you."

"Don't you want to stay here with me?"

"More than anything, Bella. I was thinking earlier how much easier the ski trip was because there were no goodbyes. That was the best night of my life."

"Really?" She was having trouble believing me. I could tell by the way her nose wrinkled and the one side of her mouth turned up. It was such an adorable expression, very child-like and innocent.

"Really," I assured her. She moved her hands to my neck, resigning to the idea that our afternoon was over. I understood her reluctance.

She was quiet on the drive home. She held my hand between both of hers, playing with my fingers and tracing patterns on my palm. When I had to downshift as we approached town, she dropped my hand and wove her fingers into hair and softly rubbed my scalp. Something else was still bothering her, but she wasn't going to tell me what it was today. That much was clear. I hated leaving her to drive home by herself, but she made me promise not to follow her. I think my protective nature bothered her at times. I let her climb into her truck and when she turned to face me, I pushed myself between her legs and pulled her body towards mine, kissing her softly.

"I'll miss you," I whispered. "I miss you already." She slipped her arms around my shoulders and nuzzled her face into my neck. The soft sigh she thought she hid from me did not go unnoticed. I turned my head and kissed the side of her face, running my hand along the back of her head lovingly, wishing I could ease her distress and knowing I couldn't.

"Me too," she murmured wistfully.

"You can tell me anything you know?" I informed her thoughtfully.

"I know. Stop worrying so fucking much."

I pulled back from her to look her in the eyes. "I can't. You're my whole world." Her eyes lit up with understanding and she smiled happily. Her tiny hands came away from my neck and rested on my cheeks softly, and she stared into my eyes with a new intensity.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Now get the fuck out of here," she laughed.

"Not until you kiss me one more time," I demanded, grinning. She pulled my face to hers, kissing me sweetly for a moment, then she pushed her tongue into my mouth, wrapping her arms around the back of my head and pulling me as tightly to her as she could. There was a new keenness in her kiss, an extravagance or extremeness in the way she touched me that had been absent earlier. She was in the moment with me, but driven by something, almost undone by it. I pulled her even closer with my arms and her breasts where pressed so solidly against my body that I could feel her erect nipples against my chest and groaned softly. It seemed to spur her on, her kiss becoming more ardent and her right leg curling around the back of my thighs. She had no idea how deeply she was affecting me, or maybe she did? I could feel my control slipping. She was everywhere, overtaking all of my senses, my tactility, my sense of smell, taste, and sight, even my hearing. I was acutely aware of each change in her - every movement, every whimper, every hormonal fluctuation, her rapid heartbeat, her panting - as I fought against taking more of her than I had a right too.

"How's that?" she teased breathily as she pulled back from my lips. My chest was heaving and I was stuck in my head, trying to convince myself not to ask her for another kiss. It would be like self-inflicted torture, but every sexual instinct in my body was screaming for it.

"Well you know how to leave a man wanting more," I razzed, grinning widely at her, trying to hide my desperation.

"I've got to give you something to ensure you'll be waiting for me tomorrow morning."

"I'll be there, incredible kiss, or no kiss at all."

"See you tomorrow," she smiled.

"Tomorrow," I agreed breathlessly. I watched her drive out of the parking lot before I moved. It was definitely time to talk to Carlisle. I had to have the answers about what kind of physical contact was even possible between Bella and me, if for no other reason than to protect her. I owed her that much.

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**A/N:** Reviews are gratefully accepted.


	27. Intuition

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns every last bit of Twilight, and probably parts of me, or at least her characters do. Possession is 9/10ths of the law isn't it?

Muchas gracias for all of the reviews. I haven't had a chance to answer all of them yet but as soon as I get this chapter posted that is my job and I shall be all over it like stink on a monkey.

Apparently writing fluff flows much like molasses for me, slooooooowwwwww. This chapter has been staring at me for days and in truth, I'm just sick of looking at it. There is lots of Bella introspection in it, but little else. Okay, well maybe some Jessica bashing too. *snorts* Anywho, I'm hoping it's enough to keep you interested. Transition people, transition...

**From Bella's POV**...

* * *

Edward was going to be the death of me. One day he was going to touch me and I was just going to spontaneously combust. I couldn't deny the heat between us, nor did I want to. When it came to loving me, I was like a book with every answer inside, all he had to do was open me up and read the pages. Tonight, things between us escalated further than ever before, and it was completely my fault.

The morons at school kept me down all day long with their gossiping, but they also made me realize something. I was a lot happier when Edward was around. I needed him, and admitting that so succinctly to myself scared the shit out of me. For the first time in months there was something in my life that mattered to me, that mattered more than anything, and I couldn't pretend that the idea of losing him was as scary as fuck to me. I despised the vulnerability in it.

My fear sucked me in as the day progressed. I worried all afternoon that the magnitude of my need for him made us very one-sided. It didn't make sense that he could need me in the same way I needed him. He had a family and a life. I was just an addition to it. He had become my whole world, or damn near close to it. I needed time to get used to the idea before I shared it with him, and it made me feel like shit to keep it from him. I knew I was upsetting him because he kept asking me if I was okay. I tried to put him off, telling him each time to stop worrying, but I never fooled him. He was Edward though, always reassuring and patient, and he gave me the space and time I needed to accept it. I so did not deserve his goodness.

By the time we left for the forest after school, it was eating me alive. Finding the courage to be open about it was motherfucking hard. I felt like admitting how much I needed him was like writing him an invitation to leave me. Look at the crazy needy loser-girl who is holding on like a leech. Kick her to the curb! He carried me to our little spot in the forest and I knew it was time to come clean. There, in the safety and comfort of his arms I whispered my big revelation. It seemed like such a huge deal in my head, but it came out sounding normal I think. It caught him off guard. Instead of answering me, he kissed me; fantastic affectionate kisses with tiny messages of love murmured against my lips, which of course whipped me into a frenzy. I'm not sure if they were supposed to or not, but I couldn't fault Edward for being unaware of the power of his perfect mouth. When I finally settled down, he told me he felt the same way, and then it was his turn to lose it. I'm not going to pretend that the power in making Edward Cullen unable to control himself was not heady. It was unparalleled and addictive.

I could quite literally kiss him for hours. I would liken it to rush hour traffic. The majority of the time our kissing was like bumper-to-bumper traffic, inching along with caution and patience. Every now and again, traffic would break and we'd gun our engines and break every speed limit until we hit the next slow down, and in those periods we took turns losing control. I would get lost in his kiss, letting his perfect lips and tongue take me under. There was nothing on Earth like his love. When I surfaced for air, I would touch him in a certain way or pull myself to him and he'd come undone. We spent the rest of the afternoon like that. I was sad to see it end.

There was something about the way he made me feel when he touched me. The world melted away and we became the only two people that existed. The problem for me became controlling myself. I had no idea how far or how fast he wanted to move. I mean he was a guy, so I was assuming that sex was not something he was going to say no to, but he'd never given me any indication of his expectations in that department. I'd never really considered giving myself to anyone before. There was never anyone who deserved it until now. Sex had become a frequent topic on my mind recently. My fantasies were getting more and more erotic, filling my mind with all sorts of ideas of things I'd like to do to him, of ways I'd like to make him feel. And don't even get me started on the things I'd wanted him to do to me.

Every time I got near him I wanted more of him. Today I'd untucked his shirt to feel his skin, and maybe it was too forward of me. Edward seemed a bit shocked that I wanted to touch him. He must have momentarily forgotten how goddamn beautiful he was. What woman in her right mind wouldn't want to touch him? I tried to reel it in after that and did pretty darn well, at least until I went to kiss him goodbye. I didn't want to leave him yet and begin a long night without him, so I was a bit mopey. He mistook it for something more, and when I told him to stop worrying, he told me he couldn't because I was his whole world. The words set me off in a hundred ways - desire, love, lust, awe – but in that moment I knew I would give myself to him eventually. It was only a matter of time.

How do you repay your boyfriend when he tells you that you're his whole world, when he echoes the way you feel without ever having been told? Well if you're me, you make good and sure he knows you feel the same. I'm pretty sure I made my intention to be with him quite obvious in the way I shoved my tongue into his mouth and wrapped my leg around his thighs and pressed my breasts into his chest. I wanted him. I wanted him to know I wanted him. I didn't even have the dignity to feel embarrassed about my actions. I had no idea how to have a conversation about sex with Edward, but I knew how to show him. Showing him my love was as natural as breathing, and every bit as effortless.

I dreamed sweet freaking erotic dreams of Edward that night. I woke up panting three separate times. Even in my dreams he made me come undone. That was some power right there man.

*****

I gave myself a pep talk on the drive to school, trying to prepare myself for the inevitable staring and questions that would now follow me around like the cloud of dust that followed Pig Pen in Peanuts. There was also Jessica's big fucking mouth and Mike's idiocy to deal with. So much fun everywhere I looked. I wasn't going to be stupid two days in a row. Today if Edward offered to walk me to class, I was taking him up on it. We could field the shit together, put on a united front or some such crap. Hell, I just wanted him with me, come shit storm or not.

I beat him to school for once, and waited by my truck for him. He parked a few spots down from me. Alice smiled and waved, and I waved back. Jasper smiled and tipped his head in my direction to say hello. Emmett nodded too. Rosalie, in her usual fashion, ignored my existence. That was just fine with me. Edward let them all walk away before he came over to me, smiling from ear to ear.

"Whatcha smiling about?" I wondered.

"Nothing," he informed me in an almost smug tone.

"You know I know you're full of shit right?"

"Yes," he smirked.

"Seriously Edward, what is up?"

"Nothing, honestly. I'm just happy."

"About?" I prodded.

"I had a talk with my Dad and it left me in a good mood."

"Oh."

"Oh?" he wondered.

I explained myself. "Oh, as in 'oh my God why are you talking to your Dad?'"

"I was telling him about you for one."

Cue the insta-blush. "You told your Dad about me?" This could not work out in my favour.

"I needed to explain my long absences, and for that matter my lack of attention even when I am there." Edward's finger came out to stroke my red cheek. "Why are you blushing?"

"I'm not exactly 'bring home to the parents' material Edward. There is no way your parents are going to like me."

"That's not true at all," he smiled. "My Mother is thrilled I'm in love. My Father too, although not in such an intense way as my Mother." He laughed a quiet silvery laugh that put things into perspective for me. She must have been pretty damn happy to make Edward laugh like that. I would have to avoid meeting his Mother at all costs so I wouldn't shatter her dreams. Let her have her perfect happy thoughts of her son finding perfect love with a perfect-in-every-way girl who was equally as perfect as her perfect son. In other words, the opposite of what he'd found with me.

"Perfect," I mumbled, rolling my eyes.

"What?" he asked, his mouth rounding into a small pout. He had it wrong. He had a pretty powerful pout in his bag of tricks too.

"Nothing," I lied, shuffling forward on my crutches. I didn't need another person to disappoint.

"Bella, please tell me," he requested, trying to persuade me with his velvety voice.

I stopped, looking up at him, and tried to force my best smile to my face. "I'm sure she had someone else entirely in mind for you. I'll only disappoint her."

Edward's face crumpled in offence. "Stop it," he insisted. "She'll love you."

"Yeah, I'm every Mother's dream, from my colourful vocabulary to my suspension, not to mention my anger management problems. I'm sure the thought of me makes her drool."

"She will love you just because I do. She doesn't need more encouragement or reason than that, but even if she did, she would find you to be intelligent, humorous and sweet all on her own."

"Yes that's a constant label that's put on me…sweet." I rolled my eyes.

"You're just disagreeing to be difficult. You don't know Esme. She's very loving. She has a great capacity to look past someone's shortcomings and see only the good in them. Perhaps she could teach you to see it in yourself too?"

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" I snarked.

"I would," he agreed, "but not for the reason you're thinking. You're a good person Bella. I only want you to see yourself through my eyes."

"As the beautiful, intelligent, perfect girlfriend?" I joked.

"To me you are." I expected him to laugh but he didn't. I looked up at him and his face was very serious.

"I was kidding," I informed him.

"I wasn't." I could see the conviction in his eyes. I pressed up on to my toes and kissed the tip of his nose. It was a better comeback than the answer I wanted to give him, and maybe keeping that answer to myself made me deserve one tenth of one percent of the credit he gave me. We walked the rest of the way to English in silence. I couldn't get my own set of labels out of my head and I didn't want to speak them and upset Edward. He stroked my cheek softly to say goodbye.

"Edward?" I called quietly, after he walked away. He hadn't asked if he could walk me to class.

"Yes?"

"Will you pick me up after Government?" I could last two periods without seeing him.

"I'd love to." He smiled back at me, happy for the invitation. I watched him leave, mumbling under my breath so he wouldn't hear me. "Average, mouthy and broken." Those labels were a much better fit.

*****

If Jessica Stanley's eyes got any bigger they were going to pop out of her head, never mind her gaping mouth. She'd seen me kiss him for fuck's sake. Why was him walking me to Trig a bigger deal than that?

"What's her deal?" I wondered rhetorically.

"You don't want to know," he mumbled under his breath. I'd never seen him look so disgusted.

"Actually I do," I informed him as my mind exploded with possibilities at the innuendo hidden in his tone.

"Later," he promised. I would hold him to that. He leaned into my body, letting his lips brush against my ear. "Love you." I swear he did it on purpose, invading my space, tickling my ear with his lips, breathing more heavily while whispering in my ear so that his breath would make me shiver. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. When I opened them he was smiling at me. "What?"

Like he didn't know. I thought about answering him, about copying his actions and whispering into his ear but it wouldn't have the same effect on him as it did on me. Instead, I pressed up on my toes and kissed him sweetly on the lips. "Me too," I whispered. He was so stunned his mouth didn't even react to mine. I chuckled and shuffled into the classroom, leaving both Edward and Jessica in the hallway gaping at me. I'd probably regret it later, but right at that moment, I was pretty damn proud of myself.

Jessica stared at me for the entire class. If it hadn't been for my stunt in the hallway, I would be starting to worry that she had a crush on me. Outwardly, she was making googly eyes at me, but I knew what she was thinking about, and it sure as hell wasn't me. It was the six foot something bronze-haired handsome son of a bitch I'd kissed in the hallway. My once upon a time assumption about Jessica liking Edward was now a clear fact. I couldn't blame her. All you had to do was look at Edward for about one millisecond to see that he was clearly the best looking boy in the junior class, although admittedly, I was biased on the subject. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if it was just unrequited lust on Jessica's part, or if there was more to the story. Jessica was an annoying big-mouthed slut, but she was all right looking. I couldn't imagine what she had done to Edward to deserve his disgust. I definitely needed to have a candid conversation with Edward regarding Jessica's crush.

I was considering striking up a conversation with Jessica when class ended, but as I turned to get out of my chair there she was, beside my desk, smiling a big fake smile at me.

"Hi Bella. I was wondering if Edward was going to be picking you? Because if he's not, well, I could help you…if you need help, like carry your bag or something? Like he does." She giggled like a head-over-heals tween fan girl crushing on a Hollywood starlet, because somehow the notion of carrying my backpack brought her one step closer to Edward. It was so over the top I snorted. I think Jessica thought I was being friendly. I bit my tongue and held in my correction. Maybe she could fill in some of the blanks about her crush on him.

"No, he's not picking me up, and I can carry my own bag thanks."

"Really?" She seemed genuinely surprised at my refusal, because somehow the fact that we'd never spoken more than two words at a time to one another, or as much as said hello in the hallways made us best friends apparently. "Because I don't mind. I'm sure he'd like it if someone helped you, since he seems to be…worried about you." Again with the giggling, although admittedly, her choice of verbiage was amusing. I smirked.

"I'm completely capable of getting myself to my next class in one piece," I assured her.

"Yeah but since we have class together it would be just as easy for me to help you, maybe better…for you."

I threw my backpack over my shoulder and used my crutches to pull myself out of my seat, pushing them under my arms and moving forward. "You can walk with me I suppose," I mumbled, feeling like an awkward faker. In a million years, Jessica Stanley and I would never be friends. It's not that we were necessarily that dissimilar, more that she cared about shit that just didn't matter to me, like popularity and school spirit and Mike Newton. In fact, the only thing we probably had in common was Edward, and I'm fairly certain we weren't going to be bonding over him.

"So, you and Edward," she started, as soon as we were in the hallway. At least the hundreds of kids tramping through the halls drowned out her voice. No one would hear the question I was about to ask her.

"I think you'd like it to be you and Edward?" I looked at her face as she burst into a fit of giggles that she tried to turn into sarcasm and absurdity.

"No, I mean come on, just no. Why did he say something?"

"No, it's just a vibe I get from you."

"So how did you guys like…meet or whatever?"

"We have a class together. How did you meet Edward, Jessica?"

"Well we've never really met, like formally or whatever, but we had a class together last year. I'm surprised he never mentioned it." I wasn't.

"And you like him." It wasn't a question.

"Well I mean God, look at him. He's hot." I chuckled. She had me there. "But I mean nothing happened. Seriously Bella. He was like 'not interested,' or going out with someone from another school or something I heard. You're lucky. I've never seen him pay attention to anyone here at school. How did you get him to pay attention to you?"

"I ignored him." Among other things, like kissing him when he wasn't expecting it, but all things that Jessica really didn't need to know the details of.

"Well did you try asking him out Jessica? Maybe he didn't know you liked him?" My feigning interest in her attempts to score with Edward seemed a bit cruel, but I didn't know how else to ask her about it.

"God no, well, not directly. I mean I wrote him a note…or a few notes, and like left them in his locker and stuff, but I never had the guts to ask him out." She giggled again, but it wasn't the same. She was trying to hide her embarrassment. She was holding something back from me.

"You should have, Jessica. You're a pretty girl. I bet you he would have said yes if you'd asked." I was lying through my teeth now.

She snorted and tried to put me off. "No way. I don't think I'm his type. Once though, like in the summer, a bunch of us were out hiking and ran into Edward and his brother Emmett, so we hung out for a while, like as a group or whatever." That didn't sound like Edward at all and I bit my lip to keep from smirking, imagining poor Edward stuck chatting with a bunch of girls like Jessica and trying not to look entirely bored. Jessica's voice roused me from my daydreaming. "Can I ask you something?"

"Depends what," I warned.

"What's it like to kiss him?" Her voice was just a strained whisper. The sudden shift in her intensity sort of freaked me out.

"What do you think it's like?" I mumbled rhetorically. I really didn't think my thoughts on what a fantastic kisser Edward was were going to make her fantasies any sweeter than they likely already were.

"It's just that you're the only person that's ever gotten close to him. Seriously, ever since his family moved here from Alaska, I've rarely ever seen him even speak to anyone that he wasn't related to. Don't you think it's odd that you're the only person outside of his brothers and sisters that he's ever had the time of day for?"

"Thanks Jessica." Nothing like making an already awkward situation even more awkward. "I guess you'll have to take that one up with Edward."

"I didn't mean to be insulting. It's just that you are the girl that every junior in the school wants to be…and I don't get it. What makes you so different from the rest of us?" she asked accusatorily. I take it back. Jessica and I were completely dissimilar, or God help me if I was this much of an idiot.

"I guess…I guess I'm just a freak Jessica."

"Yeah, but how are you a freak?" Her absolute lack of tact was astounding.

"Maybe Edward likes his girls dark and broken?" I offered sarcastically.

"Or maybe he likes the girls that put out…" she mumbled quietly. I don't think I was supposed to hear her, but obviously I did.

"I doubt it, or he would have liked you."

She huffed defensively. "Like you don't put out. I saw you with your tongue jammed down his throat Bella."

"So that makes me a slut like you, because you caught me kissing him?"

"Well if he were my boyfriend, you better believe I'd be sleeping with him already, and _I'd_ be screaming it from the rooftops. If you're not a 'slut like me' as you put it, then you're not only stupid, you're dark, broken and virginal." My eyes popped open wide at her accusation. So what if I was a virgin?

"Fuck you Jessica."

"Well somebody should be fucking. Tell Edward I'll gladly pick up your slack. In fact, tell him to give me a call when he's done playing pretend with you."

This was exactly the shit that I hated - people talking about such intensely personal things as what might or might not be happening between the sheets with me and my boyfriend, when it was nobody's fucking business but mine. My blood was boiling. "If you know what's best for you, you will get the hell away from me right now and never say another fucking word to me again," I warned.

"Leave it to Edward to pick the most frigid seventeen-year-old girl in Forks." That was it. I took my crutch and cracked her over the knee with it. She fell to the floor, clutching her leg to her body, and crying like a banshee. I tottered away unsteadily on my crutches, trying to block out her screaming and pretending that nothing had happened. I took my seat in Spanish. About ten minutes later they came for me, or a note did, requesting my presence in the office.

I lied right to the principal's face when he asked me what happened. I told him it was all a horrible accident. I explained that I was a little clumsy with my crutches, and that in the busy hallways I found it difficult to maneuver. I dishonestly alluded to the idea that I must have accidentally hit Jessica with my crutch while trying to rush to Spanish. Luckily, he bought every word. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew Jessica wouldn't refute my version of things because that would mean admitting what she'd said to me. Jessica was too big a coward to take the blame. While the idea of talking about my virginity to the principal was gag inducing, I would have done it so that Jessica got what was coming to her. There was no way I was going down for hitting her, not without taking her with me, and the universe was on my side for once. The principal let me head to lunch ten minutes early. I shuffled to the cafeteria to wait for Edward.

Edward was one of the first people to get to the cafeteria and he looked very upset when he walked through the door. He came right over to where I was sitting and slid in next to me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice strangled and upset.

"What are you talking about?" I wondered. Class just got out. He couldn't know what happened yet, not unless people were texting it from inside class, and even then it's not like someone was going to text him.

"About what Jessica said to you, and what happened in the office."

"But how could you…" It didn't make sense how he could know.

"I heard what Jessica said," he informed me in a hushed tone.

"You heard what Jessica said?"

"Yes…in a round about way."

"What the fuck does that mean? How could you hear what she said? You're not in my Spanish class and there is no way in hell you could have heard it through the grapevine yet." The expression on his face became pained and did not match the intensity in his eyes.

"She was downright boorish, impertinent and vulgar."

"How do you know that?" I demanded. His hand gently cupped my elbow and he helped me up to standing.

"Let's go outside…for a little privacy," he whispered, grabbing my crutches and handing them to me.

"Why do we need privacy?" I wondered, confused. "Can't you just tell me how the hell you know about what happened with Jessica?"

"I will, I just want some privacy to do it." He didn't look comfortable at all, his body tense and his face almost ashamed. I felt so friggen lost. I was the one who'd been insulted, embarrassed, and guilted. What did he have to feel bad about? I trudged along behind him as he led me to his car, fighting the urge to runaway. There was no way this could be good.

In his usual way, he helped me into the car and got me settled before going around to his side and sliding in behind the steering wheel. To my surprise, he started the engine and shifted the car into drive before speaking a word to me. It was as if he could sense my fight or flight response and was taking away my avenue to take flight. It was frightening how well he knew me really.

"So spill Edward. I don't even want the spiel. I just want to know what's bothering you."

"It's not quite that simple Bella."

"Oh it sure as hell is that simple. 'Bella I'm bothered by' dot dot dot and fill in the blank."

"You asked me how I could know, and there's an explanation, but I don't think you're going to like it very much."

"So?"

"You're a very observant person Bella."

"And that has what to do with a hill of beans?" I asked, trying and failing to hide my irritation.

"I've told you before that people are easy for me to read."

"Yeah, so? You also told me that I wasn't? I don't follow you."

"Yes exactly. I can't read you at all, which is why I'm always asking if you're okay. There's no other way for me to know but ask you."

"What other way is there to know besides asking?" I questioned, confused. "Please don't tell me there is something wrong with me. I've already had one person today accuse me of…" He cut me off.

"You are not a freak Bella, regardless of what Jessica thinks. Nothing happened with her by the way, not like it did in her mind I mean and those wretched horrible notes."

"Wh-wh-what?" I stared at him wide-eyed in shock. He kept his eyes on the road and did not look at my face. "How did…how did you know we talked about the notes? And 'freak?' Did you pick that word purposely or is it a eerie coincidental accident?"

"See? Very observant."

"What are you saying Edward? That you can somehow hear random conversations?"

"Not exactly."

"What exactly then?" I put my hand on his forearm. "Pull over Edward. I need your full attention." He did as I asked, parking the car at the nearest curb. He turned to look at me with a very solemn face.

"I have very good hearing, but I didn't overhear your conversation with Jessica, not with my ears anyway."

"How else can you _hear_ a conversation?" I demanded loudly. "I mean for fuck's sake Edward, I know you seem to have a six sense with reading people but…" I stopped to think about my own words. He always seemed to know what people were thinking. I'd never really stopped to think about it because he never knew what _I_ was thinking. In fact, he'd once made a joke about our relationship being easier if he could read my mind, but assured me he could not. Was it possible that he'd been trying to tell me all along that he could indeed read other people's minds? All of the little hints he'd dropped along with way…Mike's thoughts about me and about how Mike felt about him, the times when it seemed like he was having silent conversations with Alice, how he knew that Charlie understood we were together, and now, the conversation I'd had with Jessica. There were so many little things I'd discounted along the way as coincidence. Was I really that naïve that I hadn't picked up on it?

"What am I thinking?" I asked tersely.

"I'm not sure," he replied in a hushed tone.

"No I mean what am I _thinking_?"

"I don't know."

"You've got to try, don't you? Are you trying?"

"Am I trying what?" he asked.

"To read my mind?"

"No," he informed me glumly.

"So I'm wrong?"

"No, you're right, but it's a waste of time for me to try and read your mind. Your mind is silent."

"It is not," I disagreed. "There are all kinds of things going on up there. It's a scary place I assure you!"

"What I meant is it's silent to me."

"So let me get this straight? You can read…" I looked out the window and pointed to an old man walking his dog. "You can read that guy's mind right there?"

"He's thinking about the cold weather, wishing his dog would hurry up," Edward informed me absently.

"So you can ready his mind, but you can't read mine?"

"Correct."

"Am I the only one you can't read?"

"The one and only," he agreed petulantly. I had to bite my lip from smiling at his irritation.

"That's so cool!" I blurted, almost giddy with satisfaction. My boyfriend, who was seriously fantastic all on his own, could read minds on top of all his other awesomeness, with only a single exception, me. I couldn't put my excitement into words.

* * *

**A/N:** The next chapter will continue the conversation at the end of the chapter because one of my favourite readers wanted to hear Edward's thoughts on a few things so, because I adore her, I'm switching viewpoints right there. It's a good place to switch viewpoints, but maybe not such a great place to slam door on this chapter. Forgive me?

Reviews provide more satisfaction than busting boorish, impertinent, vulgar-mouthed Jessica's knee, seriously ;o)


	28. Acceptance

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the piece of me that is obsessed with it.

Thanks for the reviews guys. You guys rock hardcore! Seriously, I feel so lucky that you guys are reading this story. I'm grateful.

This chapter is brimming with…little to nothing. It's really Edward's thoughts on Jessica, his conversation with Carlisle and then a parting thought that foreshadows further into the story that every last one of you was expecting. I feel like it's not much to offer since it advances the plot little. It's rather like an arc I suppose. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. Have at it. I'm done with it LOL. That sounded rather unenthusiastic didn't it?

**From Edward's POV**…

* * *

"Cool?" I asked, completely shocked.

"Fuck yeah it's cool!" she assured me, with a large child-like smile on her face. "As long as I'm under the radar then it's awesome!" I was stunned. All the time I'd spent worrying that she would be unable to accept my gift had been wasted. All the energy I'd expended trying to justify keeping it from her to protect myself from losing her had been in vain.

"Just so I'm completely clear here, you really don't care that I can read people's minds?" I had to check again, in plain English, just to soothe my nerves. Her easy acceptance seemed so far out of the realm of possibility for the two of us that I was having trouble taking it at face value. Nothing between Bella and I was ever easy.

"Tell me what that lady is saying!" she exclaimed, pointing to a woman crossing the street with her son.

"She's wondering if her husband will be home on time for supper, and if he'd like pork or chicken for dinner." I chuckled quietly, still trying to shake off the surprise.

"Oh…"

"Oh?" I questioned, worried it had finally sunk in. I braced myself for the backlash of expected objection.

"That's kind of boring," she laughed. I smiled and let the relief wash over me again.

"So much of what I hear is boring and unimportant." She turned to look at me.

"You really can't hear my mind?" she wondered, a cunning smile on her beautiful lips.

"Not a single word."

"What am I thinking?" she pressed disbelievingly.

"That I'm a freak?" I guessed, laughing.

"I thought that a long time ago," she teased.

"You really don't care?"

"No," she shook her head, grinning. "And you didn't tell me what I'm thinking."

"You have to help me out. You have no idea how it kills me that I can't hear your thoughts."

"I told you I was broken," she retorted.

"I prefer to see it as special," I corrected, winking at her.

"So do you want to know what I was thinking?"

"Very much, please."

"I was thinking I'd like you to kiss me." She reached out for my jacket and pulled herself towards me awkwardly, hampered by her cast. I let her have her way and wiggle towards me, leaning into her to make it easier. She puckered her beautiful lips and pressed them against mine sweetly. I had no idea what the appropriate response to her unfettered acceptance of my strange talent should be. If she had asked for a new car or a trip around the world I'd have given it to her. Granting her a kiss was my pleasure, but it didn't seem like enough to say thank you to the precious bit of understanding that she'd just bestowed on me.

"You're going to hurt yourself if you twist like that," I whispered, reluctantly pulling back from her lips.

"You always know the most romantic things to say," she murmured, taking my top lip into her mouth and sucking gently on it.

"I didn't say I don't want to kiss you. I'd just like to find you a more comfortable position so you don't hurt your leg."

"You worry far too fucking much," she informed me between kisses.

"One of us has to care about your health," I charged, moving back in to kiss her again as soon as the words left my mouth.

"My health is just fine. My lips on the other hand…" She kissed me again, a little more forcefully, making my worries about her leg hard to remember in opposition to the exquisite pressure of her lips.

"You really won't be happy until you get the better of both of us, will you?" I murmured, trying to refocus on what she needed since she wouldn't. She pulled back from me with a pout and was about to complain when I laid my finger on her lips to quiet her. I got out of the car and went around to her side, scooping her up in my arms before opening the back door and sliding into the seat with her on my lap. I pulled the door closed and stared down at her shocked face with a smirk. "What? You think just because I can't read your mind that I don't know what you're thinking? You were going to complain that I didn't want to kiss you, wearing that pretty little pout on your lips to make me feel badly."

"But you said…" she stammered, shocked.

"I said I couldn't read your mind. That doesn't mean I don't understand how it works or what you want Bella," I smiled, bending forward to kiss her softly. My arms encircled her waist and I gently pulled her closer. "It's not hard when we want the same things."

"You want to skip biology and spend the next few hours making out in the backseat too?" she snarked, wrapping her arms around my neck and setting me off again. There was something about her tiny hands on my neck, the impetus of so many loving instincts in me, some caring, some carnal.

"You're looking to spend some after school time with Alice again, are you?" I teased, pressing my lips into hers before she could answer. She tightened her hands around my neck and urged my head towards hers, pushing her tongue into my mouth. Just as I responded, she pulled back slightly, sucking a little on my bottom lip before fully letting me go.

"Not unless Alice wants to watch us," she murmured, staring up at me with smouldering wanting eyes. She came back at me with vigor, and I could feel the desperation of her emotion in the way her tongue fought against mine and the way she pulled my face even closer to hers by weaving her tiny fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. In a different situation, this sort of conspicuous display of emotion from Bella would worry me. She was just the sort of soul to hide her worry in some distracting activity so she could pretend to be happy when she was the exact opposite. She was so in the moment however, so caught up in the kiss, that I knew it was only her love for me that was driving her. There was no distraction in her efforts or lapses in her vivaciousness. She was fully present in every movement, sound and touch, and what I wanted more than anything was to return it all to her tenfold.

I poured all of my energy and focus into kissing her, letting her guide me in what she wanted, passionate and driven when the edges of her desperation seemed to fray, and soft and slow when our connection alone was enough to make her content. She ran her fingers through my hair, twirling small bits around her fingers at times, soothingly massaging my scalp at others. I let my hand loosely roam her back and side, following the curves of her body like a road map. We just held one another and kissed, enjoying the closeness and affection and privacy. A parked car was far from private, but at least it was away from the nosey students at school. I hated having to pull back from her and take away what she desired, but I didn't want her to get in trouble, with the school or with Charlie.

"We need to get back to school," I revealed in a hushed tone. I barely moved my mouth away from hers, leaving only enough room for my lips to speak the words, hating to interrupt our closeness.

"All I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah blah," she breathed, kissing me another time.

"Bella," I scolded sweetly, "did you want to get caught skipping?" She stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed at her. "That doesn't work on me."

"What doesn't work on you?" she wondered.

"Sticking your tongue out. It's neither disparaging or disdainful, or even mocking for that matter. In fact, if anything, it's kind of sexy."

"I think all this kissing has turned your brain to mush," she laughed.

"Perhaps," I agreed, "but we still have to get back."

"Killjoy!"

"Guilty, but you'll thank me later, once gym is finished and you can come straight back into my arms without having to attend another of Alice's 'how to be a good student' seminars or having any more face time with the principal."

"You think you know me so well," she mocked.

"That's because I do," I assured her.

"I could deny it," she threatened.

"But we both know you'd be lying."

"Are you going to let me get in the front seat, or make me ride back here like a gimp?"

"I can put you back into the front seat if you like?" I teased. She rolled her eyes at me.

"If you're making me go back to school then at least let me limp and have my dignity," she snarked. I opened the door for her and helped her slide off my lap, keeping her hand in mine even when she tried to pull it out of my grasp. "What? Are you keeping my hand as a souvenir?"

"No, but I thought I'd help you. If I let go of your hand, you'll do it all yourself." I slid from the car, moving my free hand to her hip to hold her still, smirking and snickering under my breath when she tried to wiggle away. "You are the most stubborn creature," I murmured against her ear as I reached past her to open the passenger door for her.

"It's part of my charm." I chuckled and took her hand, persuading her towards the open door.

"You're very good at allowing me to take care of you even when you're difficult, in spite of your stubbornness," I noted after starting the car and turning back towards the school.

"Hey, I just thought of something."

"What?"

"Were you listening for my conversation with Jessica?" I looked at her, unsure how to answer. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or upset the ease of our lunch hour. "How does it work exactly?"

"Close your eyes," I instructed her, rolling down the window a small amount. Once her eyes were closed, I continued. "Tell me what you hear."

"I hear the engine?"

"Good, keep listening. Describe each sound to me."

"I hear the wind from the open window, the noise from other cars, the car stereo…a bird squawking…the sound of the tires on the road."

"Good, now imagine hearing all of those things all at once, and being able to pick out each sound distinctly, without having to ignore the others."

"All at the same time?" she asked, astounded, her eyes popping open in surprise.

"Yes," I admitted. "There is constant white noise in my head, a spate of voices from anyone I'm near."

"How near do you have to be? I mean if you could hear what happened between Jessica and I, you must have some pretty good distance with that sucker?" I laughed at her casual objectification of my talent.

"I have to be relatively near to the person, but there is an allowable distance that permits me to still hear. The more familiar I am with someone's mental voice the easier it is to pick it out, and the greater the distance I can hear it as well." I felt a strange relief in finally being able to share such personal details with her, in being able to share more of who I was.

"What's a mental voice, like the person's crazy say anything voice or something? If that's the case then I'm glad you can't hear mine," she laughed.

"It's much like the voice you would hear someone speak with, only it's what they are thinking instead of speaking."

"Yeah, I definitely wouldn't want you to hear what goes on up here," she agreed, tapping her temple with her finger.

"It's such a strange thing to hear nothing from you that way, when I hear it from everyone else."

"Like Jessica…"

"Believe me, I block Jessica's voice from my head as much as possible."

"Why's that?" she wondered, smiling sideways at me. "Because of the notes?"

"The notes were the easy part."

"Come on! You can't just say that. You've got to give me details!"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything! Anything! You heard what she said to me…wait. You heard what she said to me." Her head dropped and she covered her face with her hands as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"What is it Bella?" I asked softly.

"You heard what she said to me…so you know," she murmured quietly.

"Know what? That Jessica's behaviour is unpalatable…that her thoughts are unimaginative, jejune and tiresome?"

"No…I mean yes." She paused, filling the space with nervous laughter. "What she said about me…it doesn't bother you?"

"It bothers me a great deal. She had no right to speak so disrespectfully to you or to slander you so unduly."

"It's not slander if it's true." She looked away from me, out the window, but from her profile I could see that she was feeling ashamed. I ran the conversation in my mind again, trying to determine the source of her embarrassment.

"I already told you Bella. You are not a freak, nor do I believe you to be dark and broken, simply misunderstood."

"That's not what I was talking about," she informed me quietly. I quickly went over Jessica's asinine thoughts again. She'd called Bella frigid, which was clearly not the case. Bella was neither unresponsive nor inhibited when she was with me, almost to my detriment, as she made it very hard for me to control my actions in the way she reacted to my touch. The only other thing that Jessica had challenged was the notion of Bella being promiscuous, which was ludicrously false.

"I'm sorry. I'm feeling a bit dense and I'm not sure of what you're referring to…her parting comment about frigidity or the notion of you being promiscuous?" She looked over at me, anxious and upset. "Because I don't think you're either. Not at all."

"It doesn't bother you that I'm a…well you know," she whispered, staring at her hands in her lap. I wished she'd finished her thought for me. She was obviously upset and I didn't want to have to pull the answer from her and upset her further. That she was what? A once more through the conversation she had with Jessica gave me one last hint at what might be bothering her, something that she might feel uncomfortable saying in front of me. How to approach it discreetly?

"Does it bother you that I am?"

"You are?" she asked, shocked.

"I told you that you were the only girl I've ever asked out."

"I know, but I thought you were just pulling my leg."

"No, I was quite serious. Do you really think that I am the sort of man to be indiscriminate or unchaste?"

"No, I don't think that, but sometimes things just happen."

"I can appreciate that." I reached out to her lap and picked up one of her hands, lacing my fingers through hers. "But they've never 'just happened' to me. I quite sincerely admit to you that you are the only woman who has ever stirred these feelings in me, and I can't fathom that sort of intimacy with anyone I wasn't in love with. I hope that doesn't bother you, my inexperience I mean?"

"No," she blurted, almost relieved. "I mean, it would have been fine if you had. It's not like I could have done shit to change it, but I think it's cool that it was important to you to wait. I respect that it's not some frivolous activity to pass the time to you."

"I feel the same way in regards to how you see it. It wouldn't have mattered to me either way, although I'm not going to pretend that I'm not pleased that it's worked out this way for both of us."

"Pleased?" Her eyes looked up at mine finally. I could see confusion there, and surprise.

"Something we can figure out together…" I hesitated, unsure about continuing my thoughts. I wasn't intending to bring it up with her today, even though it had been on my mind. "I can't speak for you, but I have thought about it…about being with you."

"Me too," she agreed softly. "A lot." I smiled and squeezed her hand.

"It will work out, if and when it's meant to…when the time is right." She squeezed my hand softly in response, her way of wordlessly telling me she agreed.

"Can I ask you an inappropriately nosey question?" she wondered.

"Of course," I granted, hoping I would actually be able to answer it truthfully.

"So a girl like Jessica, who is decent looking and obviously more than willing to hook up with you, and you were never even _tempted_ by the idea of a freebie?"

"Not in the slightest, by anyone, and especially not by her." I shuddered at the thought of even being in the same room as her.

"What happened between the two of you?" she asked, fishing for more details. I couldn't quite pinpoint if it was curiosity or jealousy.

"Nothing at all. She's my Mike Newton."

"Ahhh, I see," she laughed.

"Those abhorrent notes she wrote were so full of drivel they were almost insulting. She had us joined at the hip before she even knew my last name." The more Bella laughed at what I said, the more I said. I wanted her to know that when it came to Jessica Stanley there was nothing to be jealous of. "You can't even imagine what I had to put up with in terms of her twisted fantasies, right down to the white dress and the cake."

"Seriously?" she asked disbelievingly.

"She was picking out names for our children, a boy and a girl of course." I rolled my eyes at Jessica's predictability and lack of imagination. "And you can imagine how much worse it was since I could hear her thoughts as well as what she spoke to me. I was never so glad when she finally got over her obsessive crush."

"I've got news for you buddy. She ain't over shit," she laughed.

"Well a decrease of the smallest degree was a welcomed change. Every time I turned around she was throwing herself at me. The time she told you about when she 'ran into' Emmett and me? She and a couple of her friends followed us. Followed us!" I repeated, remembering my annoyance from that day. "Emmett thought we could loose them if we went deep into the forest on our hike, but that backfired on us because they got lost and we had to help them find their way back. That was the couple of hours that we 'hung out' that she referred to."

"Wow, she did some truth stretching there, didn't she?"

"Everything she says stretches the truth. The girl lives in a constant state of non-reality."

"Too bad she lives in our reality," she lamented, rolling her eyes.

"She has her sights set on Mike now. Almost makes me feel badly for him…almost."

"Maybe they'll be a perfect match? They can each obsess over the other and drive each other batty."

"If there is any karma in this world, they will be," I laughed, cheered by the notion of the satisfaction of payback.

"So you weren't even the tiniest bit tempted is what you're saying?" she teased awkwardly. She still had doubts, hiding her feelings of inadequacy.

"Never. You are the only one I've ever felt anything for, the only one I ever loved." I paused and she looked up at me. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes when I spoke. "She is your opposite, so far beneath you in every way that matters."

"You're just saying that to ensure that you can get me into your backseat again." Forever my Bella, uncomfortable with my compliment and hiding behind her sarcasm.

"I'm saying it because it's true. Even if you never again honoured me with another kiss, you would still be everything I've ever wanted." I could tell my words had finally gotten through to her mind because she had no reply, no sarcastic retort or redirection of my thoughts. She just squeezed my hand a small amount and then lifted it to her mouth and kissed it softly, before laying it back in her lap. There was so much emotion in her that she buried, hiding just below the surface of her carefully crafted persona. I was a lucky man to be included in her life, a very lucky man indeed.

*****

My mind wandered during biology. I was feeling rather providential, almost charmed, after my lunch with Bella. There was freedom in the knowledge that she was truly unruffled by what she'd learned about me, and in that freedom, hope, that perhaps if she were to ever learn about what I was she could look past it. In fact, the last twenty-four hours were defined by freedom and my conversation with my parents was another example of my good fortune. Last night my brothers and sisters went to see a movie, and I used the rare opportunity for privacy to approach my parents about Bella.

"I'd like to speak with you both, if that's okay?" I inquired, knowing they would relish the chance to learn more about what had been on my mind.

"Of course," Carlisle allowed. His mind was focused on my recent happiness and wondering how much it had to do with Bella. I knew he would intuitively understand my connection to her, even if he did not yet know the full extent of it.

"Please come sit Dear," Esme coaxed, patting the couch lightly beside her to emphasize her point. I sat down beside her to make her happy and her hand instantly reached out for mine. She squeezed it soothingly. There were no specific thoughts in her head, just a general pleasure and happiness in regard to my well-being.

"A week or two ago, when I spoke to the family about Bella, I wasn't entirely forthcoming with everything I said. There is more to the situation with Bella than I let on."

"What is it Son?" Carlisle wondered. He knew me well enough to understand the gravity of my admission. He was already suspecting that my feelings were more than what I'd alluded to that night. Esme was waiting patiently, her mind neither worried nor content, simply open, and ready to take in what I was going to tell her. I turned towards her smiling. She would be happy to hear my news.

"I love her," I whispered thoughtfully, watching the smile on Esme's face widen gleefully. She thought only of my happiness, not a single reservation or doubt. "And she loves me too."

"Edward, that's wonderful," she effused warmly. "Why didn't you want to tell us?"

"It's not that I was trying to keep the truth from you, more that I wasn't prepared for the others to know. As you can imagine, they don't exactly approve, and I respect their reservations. I think that both of you can also understand how this has changed me personally though."

"Perhaps they just need some time to get used to the idea?" Carlisle offered compassionately. He understood their reservations as easily as he understood the depth of my bond to Bella, and was torn between the two. His mind was not as clear as Esme's. He was considering the difficulties of a relationship with a human, the problems it could cause to me personally, given my nature, as well as problems that would touch our family.

"I assure you my thirst is well controlled," I explained to Carlisle, hoping to ease his doubts. "Not that I don't understand your concerns. She is indeed human after all, and I'm not going to say she never tempted me." I was ashamed to even allude to the danger Bella's blood had put us all in, Bella included. Carlisle's mind went to my impromptu trip to Alaska. "Yes, she is the reason I went to Denali," I admitted.

"I'm going to leave you to talk to your Father, Edward." Esme squeeze my hand softly and stood up, quickly bending over to kiss my cheek. When she pulled back, she laid her hand gently on my cheek. "It really is wonderful Edward. You know well how I have longed for this for you. I don't care if she's human. If you love her, and she loves you, that's good enough for me. Be happy." She smiled affectionately at me and then turned towards Carlisle with a knowing glance. Even after so many years together, I could still see the love in their eyes when they looked at one another. She disappeared without another word. Her heart was so pure. The world would be a better place if we could all love like Esme. Every thought in her head revolved around the joy that I had found someone to love after so long alone.

"I know you probably think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. I know that loving Bella is risky for us all." It was easier for me to say it out loud than to let him wonder silently about it.

"I am happy for you, Edward. God knows you've wandered this Earth alone long enough, but I have to think of our family too. I can't downplay your reaction to her before you left for Denali." His mind went to his memory of my horrified face that day and I felt ashamed again.

"From the moment I fell in love with her, perhaps even before I consciously realized it, I haven't felt the urge…what I mean to say is that side of my nature is very well caged. I feed more frequently. I wouldn't think of putting Bella at any risk. If there were even the slightest doubt that I might hurt her because of what I am, then I would leave again. Her safety is my biggest concern." Carlisle was carefully considering my words. There was a strange swelling of emotion in him, pride and joy and amazement, as he tried to put the pieces together.

"Edward, of all of us, only you are capable of this kind of challenge." He considered my sacrifices to be greater than his own, was proud of me for showing such strength, even thought of me as courageous.

"It's not courage that drives me Carlisle, and none of us is more practised or strong than you. If I might aspire to have even a small bit of your control," I wished.

"You don't give yourself enough credit, Edward. I've seen the change in you. Love is an amazing thing, capable of changing us in ways that you probably can't even imagine," he offered sincerely. He truly believed me incapable of hurting Bella intentionally.

"That is one thing I wanted to speak to you about," I mentioned awkwardly. "Being near her, kissing her…it's made me feel things I didn't think I was even capable of…human things…desires…" I wasn't even sure if I was making sense of the jumbled mess of questions in my head.

"Our human natures are buried in transformation, but not forgotten. I think what you are feeling is very normal within the bonds of love, new and strange to you perhaps, but perfectly normal for love." His thoughts progressed on a purely emotional level.

"Yes," I agreed, "the emotions are part of it too, but I was speaking of more primal instincts…of physical desires."

"Oh!" Carlisle exclaimed as his thoughts fell into place. His mind ran a gamut of possibilities, logistics and safety and a number of other considerations. "It is possible for our kind to share physical love with a human. Of course you know that from the sisters in Denali. Is there something specific you're worried about?"

"Will I hurt her? She seems more fragile than glass to me, yet as tough as stone at times too." His mind was pondering asking me if I had tried to touch her and failed. "No, we haven't tried to be that physically close yet, but I've been thinking about it. It's something I want very much, but I wouldn't consider it until I spoke with you about it."

"So you've been moving slowly then?" he asked, poorly masking the relief in his voice and thoughts.

"Yes, kissing mainly, and once or twice I've touched her skin."

"It was a powerful sensation for you," he declared knowingly. He was looking for my acknowledgement, more to rank my control in his mind than out of any sense of nosiness.

"So far, physically, I feel very in control when I'm close to her, but emotionally, the control is less explicit. It's overwhelming at times, what a simple touch can bring out in me…the surge of emotions, the multiplicity of desires and urges…the feeling that it's never enough."

"That's love Son," he smiled proudly. He was impressed by my understanding and pleased that I had put so much thought into my own feelings, as well as those of Bella. "It's a powerful and encompassing emotion. Have you spoken to Bella about a physical relationship?"

"Not yet, and of course I wouldn't pursue one if it was not something she wanted. I wasn't even sure if it was something I was capable of, personally. I can't afford to make a mistake with her. She's too precious."

"Tell me more about how you feel when you're near her," Carlisle suggested. He was trying to understand where my fear lay.

"She's rather complicated…stubborn and quite closed off at times. When she lets me in, when she lets me see the real her, I lose control of my emotions. I only want to give her what she wants, to devote all of my energy to whatever she needs. It's as if I'm helpless to her, like she holds all the power and I hold none. Yet in those moments of powerlessness, I am completely vulnerable to her but feel entirely safe because she is loving me. All of these feelings are amplified when we connect physically. Every way she responds to me, whether it's a kiss or a touch or a noise, makes me want to give more of myself."

"And when she touches you?" Carlisle pressed.

"I admit it's harder to control myself when she touches me. There's something in our physical connection that is unfettered and primitive, and yet it provides tranquility and calm at the same time. Her touch centers me and brings me back to myself, to the moment, and at the same time it lights me on fire. And on top of that I'm apprehensive, afraid to show her too much and scare her away. She cares little that my skin is cold and hard compared to hers for instance, and I don't understand why it doesn't bother her, but I'm grateful nonetheless."

"Do you think she suspects what you are?"

"I don't know what to think. She notices everything Carlisle, tiny insignificant things that no other human is quick enough to notice. I can't pretend to understand why our differences don't matter to her except to assume that she loves me enough not to care." His mental tone shifted to worry as he considered what Bella's motivations might be. "I know it makes little sense and that I shouldn't base my relationship on assumptions."

"I don't know if I'd go as far as saying you're basing your relationship on assumptions. You obviously care for her very much and I believe she loves you too if she can look past the obvious physical differences between you and her. And as far as why she looks past them, her love for you might very well be the driving force. I have to ask though…" He paused, shuffling his thoughts carefully to find the right words to express his worry. "Do you think she has a right to know what you are before she deepens her relationship with you?" I didn't know the answer to that. I knew I wanted her to know, even if I couldn't tell her. I knew that I wanted it not to matter to her, even though it should and likely would. I knew more than anything else I wanted her happiness.

"She loves me, and what I am is part of who I am. I don't want to know if she couldn't love that part of me," I whispered wistfully. "Is it so wrong to just want to hold on to her for as long as I can."

"The longer you are with her, the more likely she is to notice your differences. Every day she changes, unlike you…" He was trying to delicately lead me down a path I was not prepared to go down. "Have you considered…"

Bella's voice roused me from my preoccupation. "Are you coming?"

"Coming?" I wondered.

"Class is over. Didn't you hear the bell?"

"No, I didn't."

"What were you so deep in thought about?"

"My conversation with my Father from last night," I admitted honestly.

"I thought you said that conversation made you happy?"

"It did." I smiled at her, but I don't think she was convinced.

"You don't look happy," she challenged.

"That's because I have to give you back for an hour," I teased lightly. "Would you like to do something after school?"

"Yes," she smiled. "That is if I make through the next hour with Mike. I wonder how his lip is doing?" I couldn't help but laugh at the self-satisfied smirk on her face.

"Can I walk you to class?"

"Like you have a choice!"

We walked in silence and I replayed my Father's words in my head. _'I think as long as you're cautious and take things slowly, you have nothing to worry about. I don't see any problems with a loving physical relationship between you and Bella, just as long as you consider her feelings with regard to what and who you are.'_ It was a subtle warning that wasn't lost on me. Would Bella still want to be with me, would she still love me if she knew I was a vampire? There was no easy answer to that question.

My hand came up to stroke her cheek once we reached the gym doors. "I'll miss you," I whispered.

"Kiss me?" she murmured. I leaned into her body and softly kissed her lips, with a hundred different emotions crashing down on me. Was it selfish of me to hide my true nature from the woman I loved to protect her? Was I truly trying to protect her, or myself?

"I love you. I'll see you in a hour."

"An hour," she agreed. I watched her leave, waiting for the door to close behind her before I left for Spanish.

Just like Bella, there were parts of me that were broken. These shattered pieces of the whole had a part in shaping me into the person I had become, parts I despised, parts I wished I could change or ignore the existence of, the monster. He rejoiced in the notion that Bella would never truly be mine, believing that she was incapable of loving a fiend. But against all odds, she did love me. If she knew the monster existed, could she look past him, love him as a part of the whole, as I loved the broken parts in her? The hope born of her easy acceptance of my gift made me believe that she could, but it warred with my reality. Even I couldn't accept what I was, not with any degree of regard. I loathed the monster that lived inside me, that defined what I was as strongly as loving Bella defined me. How could I expect someone, even someone as special and amazing as Bella, to look past what I could not?

I had too many questions, and most with no certain answers. The only certainty that existed was my love for Bella. It would not change through time and space. Long after she was gone, my love for her would remain. The uncertainty of everything else was overwhelming. Was I willing to risk what I had with her to tell her what I was? She had a right to know. Was I willing to break the only rule of my kind to tell her the truth and put her in grave danger? Or was my fear for her safety simply an excuse to keep my nature hidden so that I might keep her in my life? When it came right down to it, what I feared more than anything else was losing her. Perhaps I was little more than a selfish coward?

It was clear to me that Carlisle was right. I had to determine Bella's feelings on what I was before I let things between us become any more physical. The question that I needed an answer to was simple on the surface – was it more important that she loves who I am or what I am?

* * *

**A/N:** *sighs*

Such a heavy question in Edward's brain.

And in mine.

Make me smile. Leave a review.


	29. Doubts

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

And I'm Stephenie Meyer.

April Fools! :op I kid. I'm a kidder. I kid. I am not Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing. In fact, I'm probably owned. Shutting up now.

I have found myself very behind lately. I have lots of reviews to reply to and had a week of extreme writers block to the point of getting lost in the story. I got stuck on transitions and getting from one point to another and the end result is that 1. I got past it and 2. I got the rest of the story satisfactorily blocked out so that it shouldn't happen again. I don't want to promise rapid updates but hopefully the blocking will prevent this recent sort of delay so that I may deliver the remaining updates posthaste.

I wonder if the story got rec'd some place new since I've had a fairly consistent number of hits on the story. If you're new, welcome. If you're seasoned, well hai, and thanks for sticking around and reading and reviewing. You rock!

I feel like I have to put a warning in on this chapter. There is a lot of sex talk in it. It's not too graphic but I felt like I should at least warn people.

**From Bella's POV**…

* * *

I heard them talking about me while I changed into my gym clothes, snickering and giggling amongst themselves after looking at me with what they thought were sly glances. I wasn't sure if she'd painted me as a slut or a prude, only that Jessica and her big fat fucking mouth had gotten to them. I really didn't care what they thought of me, but knowing that they were talking about me irritated the crap out of me. Gossip was so much easier to ignore when it wasn't about you.

Knowing Edward could hear them made it all ludicrously more uncomfortable. Did he believe the things he heard about me? Did they make him laugh? Did they make him mad? Did it change his opinion of me? I suppose in the grand scheme of things his ability to read minds was a lot like gossiping. Gossiping was a loss of privacy, people poking their noses in and assuming facts not necessarily in evidence and generally presuming to know more than they actually did. Edward's mind reading was also a type of privacy loss, and really involved the same things people chose to gossip about that they might not otherwise say aloud. He probably just got a little more honesty and candour than the rest of us did.

I took my seat on the bleachers and tried to ignore all the squealing and screaming. The boy's basketball team had fucked up one of the backboards so the Coach was letting us play dodgeball today and I was a little perturbed that I would miss the opportunity to whip some balls at a few choice people. Nothing says 'shut the fuck up big mouth' like a big rubber ball to the head.

I let my mind wander to the conversation I'd had with Edward in his car about being together. He seemed so calm and patient about sex, like it was another logical step in a relationship and would work itself out all on its own. I felt a lot of things when it came to sex, and I could say with total honesty that calm and patient were not amongst my feelings. There was a part of me that ached to be close to him, to not hold back and press past the control that always seemed to govern us, to just fall away and give in and let him love all of me. Unfortunately, I was really afraid of it too, how it might complicate things in a relationship that was already defined by complicated, and how it might be the thing that showed Edward how entirely addicted to him I really was. I already knew when he kissed me I never wanted him to stop, that it was never enough to make me feel satisfied. What if sex was like that too, so good that I could never get enough or be satisfied?

There were other concerns too. If I allowed this to happen, then how would I feel down the road when we were all said and done and Edward wasn't in my life any longer? My reservations were not about physically giving myself to Edward or about surrendering my virginity to him. What I worried about regretting was allowing myself to need him so desperately that it would change me, _and it would change me_. I could only begin to fathom the depth of emotions in connecting to Edward so intimately, but intuitively I understood that it would be life changing. Need in the purest sense of the word, a physical ache that could only be cured by the connecting of our bodies in the most intimate way. I'd already felt the stirrings of it in the strange electricity that travelled between us, and it would surely be strengthened by sex. This was not like the superficiality of a crush or friends with benefits; this was a deep and abiding connection defined by our feelings and transcending our bodies. Did I want to be that dependent on someone else to fulfil me? Once we tangled the emotional and physical connections, there would be no going back. We would both be forever changed and a part of me would always belong to him, and him to me. Giving him everything I had to give felt right, but would I still feel the same when he was gone?

And what the hell did I know about an orgasm? The closest I'd ever gotten to a penis was a picture. There was no male example to observe growing up and every erection I'd ever seen was on some boy in grade school that couldn't control himself. Not exactly a prime opportunity to understand how the male reproductive organ worked. What if I sucked at sex? What if I couldn't even get him aroused enough to get him hard? I had no idea how to touch him or how he would like to be touched. Was there some built in instinct on how to stroke someone to get them off?

I had so many questions and no answers. There was no way I was going to discuss this with Charlie, and even though it probably would have been mature and smart of me to discuss it with Edward, I just couldn't. There was enough pressure on us already. Adding the pressure of being a sounding board for my sexual inexperience and emotional ineptness far exceeded the requirements of a boyfriend, even one as understanding and patient as Edward. Besides, I didn't want him to know about my reservations. He'd probably just put the kibosh on the whole thing. I really did want this to happen, to love Edward and let Edward love me. I just needed someone with experience to help walk me through it and assure me that I wasn't getting in over my head, or tell me that I was being paranoid, or maybe just to help me understand how to file away the emotional experience. There was only one person I could think of to ask - Alice.

I asked to be dismissed a couple of minutes early and rushed through changing so I could get to Edward's Spanish class before the bell. He was a little bit shocked to see me waiting for him.

"This is a nice surprise," he smiled, crossing the busy hallway in a three long strides to get to me.

"I have an idea," I told him, hoping my nervousness was well hidden. "Would you mind if we went to your house after school? I kind of need to talk to Alice."

"Sure, if that's what you'd like. You can meet my parents, or at least my Mother. I don't know what my Dad's schedule is today."

"Oh, okay…if you really want me too," I added quietly. I had forgotten that his Mother would be home.

"She's going to love you," he whispered into my ear. I looked up at him with questioning eyes and he smiled back at me before explaining. "Your discomfort is written all over your face Love."

"It's just that I've never been very good with parents and I'm just going to disappoint her."

"Why don't you wait and see Bella?" he suggested. "She's an amazing woman."

"Okay," I allowed, trying not to show that I felt like I was going in front of the firing squad.

Alice and everyone else were waiting by the car. "I'm just going to go give my keys to Emmett. I'll be right back." I watched Edward speak to his brother. Alice waved a hello and I waved back. Rosalie just got in the car and slammed the door. I think she was the only person on Earth that was irritated more often than I was. I didn't take her behaviour as a good sign. Hopefully Edward's Mother and Rosalie didn't have a lot in common. I felt Edward's arm curl around my shoulder. "Ready to go?"

"Blondie seemed pleased I was coming for a visit."

"Rosalie is…well she's Rosalie. She's complicated."

"Complicated as in high maintenance or complicated as in a nice way to say she hates my guts."

"She doesn't hate you. She's too wrapped up in herself to care much about what is going on around her. I assure you it's nothing personal."

"Why do I get the feeling there is more to this story that you simply aren't going to share with me?" I wondered suspiciously.

"You really do notice too much for your own good," he noted mischievously. "Are you going to be stubborn or allow me to drive you?"

"I don't think you'll be very nice to my truck. It can't go the speed of your leadfoot, so for the sake of saving it from destruction, I'll drive."

"Do you really think I'd destroy the only thing that gets you to me safely each morning?" he asked thoughtfully.

"I'm serious Edward. My truck can't go faster than fifty-five. I'll be happy to let you drive if you can handle that speed." I watched his mouth turn down petulantly. "That's what I thought. I'll drive."

"Oh stop it," he insisted, snatching the keys from my hand. "I'm perfectly capable of staying within the speed limits. Just because I choose not to most of the time doesn't mean I can't do it."

"Poor baby," I teased. "Forced to obey the traffic laws just like the rest of society. Oh the horror!" I climbed into the cab happily. With Edward driving I would be able to pay attention to him instead of the road.

By the time we pulled up to his house I was glad that I let him drive. He lived much farther out of town than I had anticipated and I surely would have missed the turnoff to the small dirt road that led up to his house. The house itself was set very far back from the road with huge old-growth trees surrounding it, making it feel very secluded. It was a gigantic house, much larger than I'd expected. I knew the Cullens had money but I guess in some strange way I expected their house to be just like everyone else's. It was rather silly in retrospect, since the Cullens themselves were unlike the rest of us. Their house was as unique as they were.

Edward came around to my side of the truck and opened the door for me. I was so busy gaping at the house that it left plenty of time for him. "Do you like it?" he wondered.

"It's friggen huge!" I laughed uncomfortably.

"With four teenage children, we take up a lot of room," he offered. "Come on." He took my hand and helped me slide out of the truck, handing me my crutches after I was on my feet. On the way to the porch I was struck by the serenity of the courtyard created by the trees. All the ferns and mossy tree trunks coupled with the quietness made me feel suddenly peaceful.

"This is beautiful," I whispered, reluctant to shatter the calm that surrounded me.

"I want you to feel at home when you're here," he murmured. "We have our privacy here. There's no one watching us or putting expectations on us. We can just be us." It seemed like a strange thing to say to me, yet somehow it was exactly what I needed to hear, that he wanted me to feel the same comfort that he did, to be a part of his home and feel relaxed and untroubled and contented. I smiled shyly at him. Maybe meeting his Mom wouldn't be that bad.

I shuffled to the porch, and when I started to negotiate the stairs I felt his arms close around my waist, lifting me effortlessly up the last few steps. I giggled, feeling a little silly but loving the tiny gesture in spite of myself. He seemed so light hearted, more so than I'd ever seen from him. "You're really excited about this aren't you?"

"I am," he agreed, lightly kissing my forehead. I could see in his eyes that he was proud to introduce me to his family, and understanding that was very emotional for me. He loved all of me, even the broken hollow black parts, and somehow he saw the embers of the tiny leavings of good in me, and he fanned them and brought them back to brilliant blazing flames. Maybe I wasn't what his Mother would imagine for him, but no one could love him more than I did. Suddenly I really wanted to make a good impression on her. I wanted to be as close to what she would imagine for her handsome talented son.

"I hope she likes me," I admitted, returning his easy smile and staring up into his eager eyes.

"She will," he assured me, pulling open the door and turning me towards it. I stepped through the door into the large creamy white foyer. The whole house was equally light and open and airy. It was breathtaking, like something right out of a magazine.

"Edward, is that you?" the voice called. I assumed it was his Mother, unless Rosalie finally grew a pair and decided to talk to me. I wasn't holding my breath on that one.

"Mom, I've brought someone home to meet you." I followed his line of sight up the staircase. She was not there but he must have discerned which way her voice was coming from. He was grinning too wide, more than just the excitement and pride from moments ago.

"She's talking to you, isn't she?" I murmured. Edward turned his face towards me and nodded, continuing to smile. "Is it good good or funny good?" I wondered.

"Good good," he murmured, placing his hand on the small of my back to urge me forward. "She wants us to have a seat in the living room. She's quite annoyed I haven't asked you if you want something to drink yet," he laughed.

"I'm fine," I informed him quietly, shuffling into the adjacent room. I couldn't get over the wonderfully comfortable laid back vibe of the whole house. Even though the furnishings were expensive and the set up of the room was architectural magazine perfect, I felt completely at ease. I sat down on the long white couch and tucked my crutches under my legs on the floor so no one would trip. My eyes went to the door as a beautiful brunette entered the room. I pushed myself off the couch so I could stand to meet her by Edward's side. She looked so kind and tranquil.

"Bella, this is my Mother, Esme. Mom, _this is Bella_," Edward cooed proudly. I blushed and held my hand out to her, feeling a strange mix of emotions.

"Oh please sit Bella, your leg," she told me, skillfully sliding her hand into mine, turning and squeezing it gently in acknowledgement, changing the handshake from something formal to something comfortable and sweet and almost familiar. "It is so wonderful to meet you. Edward has said such nice things about you." I could see my cheeks were just going to glow red for this entire meeting.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too. Your home is just beautiful." That was the right thing to say wasn't it? To speak honestly about how impressive her house was? Or should I have said that Edward told me nice things about her too? She was not a frequent topic of conversation between us but when she did come up Edward was very complimentary.

"Can I get you something to drink?" she wondered. "Did Edward offer to get you something? Edward, did you offer Bella a refreshment?"

"Yes Mom," he laughed, almost triumphantly. I think he was enjoying the awkward fawning of his two favourite women a little too much.

"I'm so glad that you could come. I wasn't sure if Edward was ever going to bring you around." She shot Edward a look that I was pretty sure was another silent conversation.

"It's my fault I wasn't here sooner. Edward would have brought me over that first night if I let him." I wanted to kick myself for admitting too much.

"Not too keen on meeting the parents?" she joked. "Edward, go get Bella a drink. A pop maybe?" she suggested. Edward's hand stroked my back and he chuckled, getting up and disappearing to do as his Mother asked. I wanted to scream at him to come back and rescue me from my big mouth. Too bad we didn't have the silent conversation shit. I could have used it at the moment.

"I don't know how much Edward has told you about me, but I'm not always the easiest person to get along with," I told her, looking down at the floor self-consciously. Honesty was the best policy, but not necessarily the most comfortable or easiest.

"Nonsense," Esme said. "You seem perfectly lovely to me." I looked up at her clear caramel coloured eyes and she seemed very sincere. She had the same unique brown eyes as Edward. I didn't know how to answer her. Just as Edward had told me, she liked me by virtue of me loving her son, seeing only the good in me, even if I couldn't see it.

"I'm on my best behaviour," I joked, hoping she would find it funny rather than condescending. She laughed a light melodious laugh that put me at ease.

"I remember seventeen. It can be a very confusing time. We all have our moments," she offered kindly. "Don't think that my kids haven't all had their difficulties."

"It's hard to imagine any of them being difficult," I laughed, "but I'll take your word for it." My eyes moved to Edward as he came back into the room. He was still smiling. It was hard not to feel happy with these two in the room, Edward, proud as a peacock, and Esme, warm and accepting. I felt a little silly to have ever doubted meeting her.

"Edward, come sit with Bella. I'm going to leave you two to spend some time together."

"You don't have to go," I offered. I actually wanted to know more about her, to try and figure out what it was that made her so sincere and sure of things.

"That's so sweet of you Bella, and thank you for the offer. You two need your time together. And please, come and visit whenever you'd like. You're always welcome. I want you to feel at home here." Her sincerity was unmistakable.

"Thank you Mrs. Cullen. It was very nice to meet you."

"Call me Esme, and I assure you that meeting you was my pleasure." She laid her hand lightly on my shoulder and squeezed it softly, assuring me that I didn't have to get up and saying a silent goodbye. I covered her hand with my own and touched her tentatively. It was the only way I could think to say thank you for her warm welcome and acceptance of me. She smiled at me and then glanced at Edward before leaving. I watched her walk away and then turned to Edward.

"She likes you very much," he assured me.

"Do you ever speak with anyone or do you always just pull things from their minds?"

"A little of both," he admitted. "Alice and I have a lot of silent conversations, as do Carlisle and I. His mind is more complicated so I think I just naturally answer things I hear there to ease his worries. I don't do it to be nosy. I do my best to give them their privacy. It's just that I'm attuned to them, so their voices are much louder and easier to pick out of the rush in my head."

"You must love going to sleep at night just to get a little relief from it, or do you hear it when you sleep too?"

"I don't really get any relief from it."

"Maybe that's why you have me? For relief from it?" I joked.

"You're the one person I never want relief from," he assured me sweetly. He couldn't have been more wrong and I laughed quietly under my breath.

"Would you mind if I went to find Alice for a couple of minutes? I really need to talk to her."

"She's waiting out back for you."

"How does she…" I stopped myself from finishing my thought. It didn't matter why she knew that I needed to talk to her, only that she was willing to talk to me. Edward brought me to the back yard to Alice. She was sitting on a big boulder nestled on the edge of a river. I waited for him to leave before I said anything.

"So Edward told you about his mind reading, eh?" she asked.

"Yeah, he did. It's pretty cool, although I don't get why he can't read mine."

"Me either," she agreed with a smile. I let my body lean against the boulder and laid my crutches aside.

"So I wanted to ask you something," I explained. "And it's kind of personal…but you're the only person I feel comfortable asking."

"Well I'm glad that I can help Bella. What is it?"

"It's about sex," I whispered, blushing.

Alice giggled and smiled at me. "What did you want to know?"

"How did you know you were ready for it, with Jasper I mean…assuming you are that way with him…shit. I'm sorry. I'm making grand assumptions here. It's just that when I saw you two together skiing, I could just tell that you're in perfect sync with one another and I just assumed with how close you were that your relationship was serious." I felt like an ass trying to explain my assumptions.

"It is serious Bella. He's the one. I knew the first time I ever saw him," she smiled. "I was very lucky to know with such assuredness. I know it's not that way for everyone." Knowing that I hadn't missed the mark on determining their bond made me feel a little bit better.

"Do you ever worry that you guys will break up?" I wondered. "I mean you guys are pretty young. The odds aren't exactly in your favour."

"No, I don't worry about that. Even if I lost him, every moment spent loving him would have been worth it." She sounded so sure of herself. I was envious of her faith.

"You don't worry that you'll never get that part of yourself that belongs to Jasper back?"

"I don't want it back. Maybe that's how I knew I was ready to be with him?"

"Was it overwhelming?" I wondered.

"Was what overwhelming?"

"The physical connection and all of the emotions that went along with it?"

"Yes, but in a very good way. It wasn't scary. It was almost peaceful, like coming home." The simplicity of her example made me feel a little less afraid.

"Did it change after time, or is it still that way?" I felt so intrusive asking such personal questions.

"It's still that way. Sex is a very powerful thing. It can be loving and tender, or needy and desperate, but it's always moving. Have you talked to Edward about how you're feeling?"

"No. I don't want to put more pressure on him. He doesn't need to deal with my doubts."

"What are you doubting?"

"What if he finally realizes how much I need him? It's going to turn him off. I don't mean to be so desperate, and I try to hide it from him, but if we have sex I won't be able to hide that part of me from him any longer, and I don't want to lose him."

"I don't think you give my brother enough credit Bella. His love for you runs deeper than anyone else in his life. It's changed who he is. I think you'll be surprised to find that he needs you as desperately as you need him."

"He can't Alice. It just doesn't make sense that someone like him could need someone like me in a desperate way." I struggled with saying the words and being vulnerable in front of Alice.

"Do you doubt his love for you?"

"Not at all, but look at it from my point of view. He already had a life when I showed up. He had parents, and brothers and sisters, and a whole, full life. I had nothing but a couple of photos of a life that no longer belonged to me. He has become my whole world Alice. There is no way he could feel like that about me."

"He may have had a family Bella, but he wasn't happy. Loving you has made him happy. You've completed him in a way that none of the rest of us could. He had a life before you, but he wasn't alive." I looked up at her, drowning in the weight of her words. "If you have doubts about having sex with Edward, then you shouldn't do it Bella. If your doubt his love for you, then you're a fool."

"I'm sorry Alice. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. I know you're close with Edward. I do love him, very much in fact. This is all new to me and I guess I just want to make sure in my own mind before I talk to Edward about it."

"You don't need to apologize Bella. We're friends, and friends stick together even when things are difficult. I see parts of Edward that you don't so my perspective is different. I think you're right to be sure before you take things further. I just want you to understand how much he loves you. You don't have to be afraid of the strength of your feelings. He feels the same way."

"Thanks Alice," I whispered sincerely. She leaned forward to hug me and I hugged her back.

"Any time Bella." We walked back to the house and then she went and got Edward from upstairs.

"Did you and Alice have a nice talk?" he wondered. It wasn't until that second that I realized he might have heard the whole conversation in Alice's mind.

"Yeah, we did, but I should get going home. It's later than I thought. Charlie will be home soon."

"Can I drive you home?" he inquired.

"You don't have to. I have my truck. I can drive myself."

"I know, but I can drive you back and then Alice can pick me up."

"You don't have to go to so much trouble Edward," I assured him.

"It's no trouble. We really didn't get to spend much time together, and I don't really want to give you back yet." I couldn't say no to his request even though I wanted to. I wanted him to have what he needed. It wasn't his fault that I had so much on my mind.

"Are you sure? I really don't mind driving myself."

He reached for my hand and held it between his. "Please? Just a little while longer."

"Okay." Letting him take care of me for a little while longer wouldn't hurt either of us. There would be plenty of time to think tonight.

I let my head rest against Edward's shoulder on the drive home, just to be close to him. He hadn't asked me anything specific about my conversation with Alice, and I hadn't volunteered anything either. I felt foolish for admitting my doubts out loud to Alice, even though she seemed to understand. I was letting them cloud the truth. I loved Edward and I wanted to be with him. Even though my need was scary in a huge life-altering sort of way, I knew it wasn't going away. I scooted myself as close to him as I could manage, pressing my body into his side and letting my cast rest awkwardly on the seat to try and make the ache stop. I felt desperate and needy, but it was the only way to prevent my thoughts from swallowing me whole.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he whispered in my ear. I nodded. "Did you want to tell me what Alice said that upset you?"

"She didn't upset me. I needed a friend to talk to and she was honest and straightforward with everything I asked. She was really pretty cool Edward."

"Alice loves you, but it seems to me that she must have said something that upset you. Your mind is a million miles away right now."

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling like I was letting him down.

"Can you tell me what you spoke to her about?"

"I'd rather not," I admitted. "She gave me good advice. I just need some time to assimilate it."

"I guess I should have let you drive yourself home so you could have had some time to your thoughts," he murmured.

"No, not at all Edward," I insisted. "It was sweet of you to want to spend more time with me. I'm glad that you asked. I'm not the greatest company right now, but I can tell you that sitting here next to you…the contact…it's exactly what I needed." I wasn't sure if he understood what I meant but I hoped he did. We were already at my house. Edward tilted my head back and kissed me sweetly on the lips. The gesture was so unexpected it took my breath away.

"Sometimes a kiss helps too," he whispered. His long fingers brushed over my cheek softly. "It dulls the ache a little bit."

"The ache?" I asked disbelievingly, wondering again if he'd listened to my conversation with Alice.

"The contact you said you needed…I feel it too. It's like an ache that builds up inside of me that just gets worse until I touch you. Sometimes a small touch is enough, but there are other times when I need more than a simplistic caress. Is it the same for you?" he wondered.

"Yes," I murmured, shocked that he understood it so well.

"Your affection does amazing things to me," he admitted. "When I'm lost in my head, it brings me back to the moment. When I'm afraid, it gives me faith. When I'm feeling unworthy, it makes me feel loved."

I shook my head in disbelief. "How could you know how I feel?" I whispered.

"You were made for me, and me for you. It's no surprise that we feel the same way about each other."

"It is to me. My thoughts always seem so backwards and broken. When they come out of your mind and are spoken in your voice they sound right. They sound beautiful and fated."

"Having our thoughts in sync and believing in the same things just shows how strong our love is. Maybe now you'll believe me that you aren't broken? And if this is what broken is, then I'm broken too." Suddenly the prospect of being alone with my thoughts sounded horrible. Now I was the one who wasn't ready to give him up.

"Can you come in for a minute?"

"Sure. I'll just call Alice to let her know not to come right away." I watched him dial his cell phone smiling, then opened the door and ambled out of the truck to wait for him. He followed behind me, letting me maneuver the narrow path alone with my crutches. I unlocked the door and held it open for him, offering him the right of way.

"Ladies first," he insisted, wearing my favourite lopsided grin. I slid past him and into the tight foyer, pulling my crutches from under my arms and leaning them against the wall.

"Come on in," I welcomed. "There isn't much space in the foyer but we can go sit in the living room?" He picked up my hand and followed behind me as I hobbled to the couch.

"Does it hurt to walk on the cast?" he asked.

"No. I mean if I did a lot of it I suppose it might, but a little bit isn't bad. The doctor said that as long as I take it easy I can put some pressure on it."

"Are you anxious to get it off?" he wondered.

"For the most part it doesn't bother me. It gets in the way of kissing you more than anything." I laughed at myself for how silly I sounded.

"Nothing ever has to get in the way of that," he teased. "All you need to do is ask."

"Okay then, please sit down on the couch and prepare to be kissed." I pushed him back playfully and watched as he gracefully sat down.

"Ready," he informed me playfully.

I climbed onto him, straddling his legs and wrapping my arms around his neck, and let myself rest on his lap. After adjusting the position of my cast on the cushion, I fully relaxed and crushed my body into his. "Sometimes, this isn't close enough to make the ache stop," I whispered, moving my face towards his slowly. "Sometimes, even a kiss isn't enough." I pushed my lips into his, relieved to finally be connected to him, and feeling his lips come alive under the pressure of mine set me off. It never took much. Even the slightest amount of interest from Edward turned me on. His hands slid around my waist and held me tightly. "Sometimes I want even more Edward." I kissed him again, flicking my tongue against his lips carelessly, just to taste him on my tongue, impatient for access to his mouth. I was rough with his tongue when he offered it, purposefully reckless. I didn't want to be patient or fight with the control. I just wanted to give in.

"Bella," he murmured against my lips. His hands slid up my back and pulled me even closer. I could feel his fingertips pressing into my back and the sensation was exactly what I needed. It made me feel wanted.

I dropped my head to his neck, kissing and licking a path to his ear. "Do you want more too?" I whispered between kisses, knitting my hands into his hair as I waited for his answer.

"Yes," he admitted, letting his head drop backwards and rest on the back of the couch. I kissed along his jawbone and down the front of his neck to his Adam's apple, sucking on the bony flesh for a moment before it disappeared when he swallowed hard. My name came out strangled. "Bella."

I moved my lips back up to his and kissed him hard. All I could think about was being pressed to him skin to skin. His hands came up and cupped my cheeks while I fought with my tongue to dominate the kiss. I needed more of him.

"Bella," he groaned, holding my face still and pulling back from me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked, afraid I'd pushed him too far and upset him.

"No, everything you did was perfect," he told me in a hushed heavy tone, "but unless you want Charlie to find us we need to stop. He's almost home."

"What?" I breathed, confused for a moment.

"It's such a shame. I was quite enjoying myself," he teased. "I said Charlie is almost home."

"Shit," I yelled. "Shit, shit, shit!" He just laughed at me. "Why are you laughing?"

"You're so cute when you're flustered." I proceeded to turn beet red, which only made him laugh harder. "Relax Bella. He knows I'm your boyfriend. Don't you think he'd expect to find us kissing once in a while?"

"I do not want to have that conversation with him. You have to go."

"I can't get out before he gets here," he warned me. "Besides, he's not going to be upset simply by finding me here. He doesn't know you were in my lap with your tongue in my mouth moments ago, well unless you don't get out of my lap that is." He found the whole situation humorous and I wanted to smack him for his ability to remain calm. The only clear thought in my head was how badly I wanted to unbutton his shirt. I shifted out of his lap and he left his hands on my hips. I shot him a glare but he didn't move them.

"You can't have your hands on me like that. Charlie will know what we were doing," I stated nervously, my eyes darting to the open curtains to look for his truck. He stood up and pulled me back to him, bending to my face and covering my mouth with his. He pushed my lips open with his tongue and dug his fingers into my hips. I moaned into his mouth involuntarily. Just a moment before I heard the doorknob turn he let me go, breathless and flustered.

"Bella?" Charlie called.

"Edward and I are in the living room," I yelled, trying to disguise my nerves with volume.

"Oh, hey Edward. What are you two up to?" Charlie asked, poking his head around the corner.

"My leg was bothering me so Edward drove me home. He was just leaving."

"Oh, okay," Charlie agreed. "Unless you want to stay for dinner?"

"Thank you, but I'm expected at home," Edward told him politely.

"I'll walk you out." I grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the door, hoping to convey the idea that I really didn't want to have further conversation with Charlie.

"It was nice to see you Charlie," Edward told him on the way by.

"Yeah, you too," Charlie offered, lumbering past us towards the kitchen. I pulled Edward out on to the porch before I said anything to him.

"That was so not nice," I scolded him.

"You didn't like kissing me?" he teased.

"We both know that kiss had nothing to do with kissing me and everything to do with embarrassing me in front of Charlie." I was going to let him go without admitting the truth.

"Bella, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. We're in love. I wanted you to see that he's not going to care."

"Well you don't have to sit across the dinner table from him!" I laughed, trying to get him to see that Charlie will ride me about this kind of stuff.

"I could if you'd like? Charlie did invite me," he teased gleefully.

"Why? So you can play footsies under the table with me and make me blush?"

"I do like it when you blush," he admitted, running his fingers along my cheekbone. "You're not really mad at me, are you?" he wondered.

"I'm only mad there's no way to get you back. You'd probably enjoy getting caught kissing by your parents you sick bastard." He just smiled his crooked smile, smug and proud.

"I love you," he whispered, all traces of lightness gone. "I'm sorry if I pushed you too far. I was just trying to have a little bit of fun with you. It wasn't so bad, was it?"

I curled my arms around his waist and looked up at his handsome face. "Kissing you is never bad, and I appreciate your sense of adventure. Just wait though. I will get you back."

"I look forward to it," he assured me, kissing me softly. He called Alice quickly and then pulled me close again. "I have a question for you, an invitation if you will."

"What?"

"Since we didn't get to spend a lot of time together today, I was hoping to keep you all to myself tomorrow. I'd like to take you for a little bit of a picnic tomorrow after school. There's something I wanted to talk to you about, something important."

"I'd like that," I agreed. I was all for talking about sex and finishing the conversation I tried to have with him earlier. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about too."

We waited for Alice on the porch. She arrived a few minutes later. She smiled and waved from the car. Edward kissed my forehead. "I'll miss you."

"Me too." I kissed him softly on the lips to show him how much. "And hey, thank you for not listening when I spoke to Alice earlier." He gave me an understanding smile and hugged me to his body.

"You deserve your privacy," he said decidedly. I smiled another thank you and he gave my hand one more squeeze before he left. I watched until he drove out of sight. I was looking forward to our picnic very much.

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**A/N:** Reviews are encouraged and greatly appreciated.


	30. Picnic

**A/N**: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, author of Twilight.

Again I have to apologize for taking so long to do this update. April is a crazy busy month for me and I wrecked my back to boot so, um, yeah, that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this isn't the best chapter I've ever written but I wanted to get this update done before more time passed. (Although I'm fairly sure that's obvious given it's 2:17 AM and I'm still sitting here typing.) Again, I have reviews to answer but I'm not going to try and get them done tonight if you'll forgive me. I figure you guys will be happier with an update than an email with me saying "hai dar, thanks for the review." I will get to them though. It's important to me. A big thank you to everyone who has left reviews. I've had a few people start the story recently that have taken the time to review many/all the chapters as they read and it means so much to me. Anyway, I'm shutting up now.

The picnic, **from Edward's POV**...

* * *

No matter how many times I tried to reword the truth, there was no way to tell Bella I was a vampire that would make it false. I couldn't pretend or ignore the truth away, and I couldn't make it uncomplicated or reduce the gravity of it. I was a vampire, and I had to find the words to tell the human girl I loved that she loved a monster and hope that she could somehow look past the horror of it and love me anyway. It all seemed surreal and impossible and foolish. I'd spent so much time and effort getting to the point where Bella loved me and wanted to be with me, and there wasn't a single part of me that willingly wanted to hurt her or take chances with our relationship. Yet in order to continue forward and love her as we both wanted, I had to risk everything we'd built to tell her the truth so that she might have all the facts before she chose to give herself to me. It was the right thing to do in principle, but I'll be damned if it didn't feel wrong. I was terrified.

As the school day progressed, my terror began to consume me. Bella was the single most important person of my existence and I was having great difficulty rationalizing sticking to my plan to reveal my nature. I watched Bella all through lunch, studying even the most minor details of her expressions, wondering if it was the last time I would be close enough to her to notice the way her nose wrinkled when she bit into a bruised part of her apple or the way the right side of her mouth turned up when she knew I'd discovered her staring at me. I tried to convince myself that since I'd hidden the truth from her for so long, a few more days or weeks wouldn't matter. But they would. I knew that honesty was very important to Bella and that I was simply trying to delay the inevitable.

Fear is a powerful emotion, but the fear of loss was something I'd never fully comprehended until this day. I understood Bella's psyche a lot more clearly than I ever had before, and her initial reluctance to let me close to her was much easier to understand now that the real possibility of losing her forever was staring me in the face. It only made me love her more, that she would be brave enough to risk her heart with me when she'd already lost every person in her life that she loved. Now I stood on the precipice of losing everything that mattered to me and I was helpless. The outcome of our conversation was completely out of my control. I could offer her almost anything - money, companionship, even undying devotion. I could want her, and I could need her, and I could love her more and for longer than any lifetime she could imagine, but I could not make her accept what I truly was.

We were walking to biology when I felt something hit my calf. I looked down, realized it was Bella's crutch and looked over at her.

"Are you in there?" she asked, her face twisted with her worry. I was doing a horrible job at hiding my preoccupation.

"I'm sorry. I haven't been paying very good attention today," I admitted.

"The better answer would be why you haven't been paying attention," she pointed out.

"It's nothing."

"Okay sure, right, and my leg isn't broken either. Come on Edward. Give me a little credit. You may not want to tell me what's bugging you, but at least admit that I can tell when something's wrong." She started to walk away, offended by my attempt to brush off the subject. I stepped in front of her so she couldn't.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my hands going to her waist to stop her forward movement. She wouldn't look up at me and it pained me to know I'd hurt her. Everything was my fault and she'd done nothing to deserve my disassociation. "I'm sorry Bella. Please look at me." When her eyes came to mine I could see the hurt there and cursed myself inwardly. I was squandering precious time with her. Whether she was mine for only the next few hours or the rest of her life, I should have been revelling in her attention and showering her with my love, not brooding and dwelling on things I couldn't change. "I'm sorry if my behaviour hurt you. I've been thinking about the picnic and what I wanted to talk to you about and it was unfair to let it consume me. Forgive me?"

"The picnic?" she asked with another flash of pain in her eyes. "I thought what you wanted to talk to me about was important, not something that would upset you."

"It is important, and serious, and it could change everything. I suppose I'm just worried about upsetting the status quo. I'm very happy with the way things are right now."

"Me too," she agreed, "but we're strong Edward. If we talk about things it will only make us stronger."

I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her that I believed we were strong enough that there was nothing that could separate us, but if I said it I would be lying to her and I couldn't find the strength to lie. "I love you," I whispered. It wasn't a lie, and maybe it would soothe her worries a tiny amount like the lie might have.

"I love you too." Her voice was very quiet but her eyes were fierce with loyalty. It made me feel impossibly more dishonest and undeserving of her trueheartedness. I had not an ounce of her strength or bravery. I was a coward, selfishly hiding my shameful secret to keep her close to me. She deserved someone who was as brave as she was, or at least someone braver than me. I was her choice though, and I couldn't bring myself to feel bad for falling in love with her anymore than I could have stopped myself from falling. Our fates were intertwined, whether it was cruelly or amorously, and I wouldn't have changed a moment with her even if I could have. Every interaction, both positive and negative had shaped the love that existed between us and though it was not a love without scars, it was a perfect love. Had I endured enough during my existence to deserve the gift of her love?

"Would you like it better if we went on our picnic now?" I wondered softly. "We could easily go to the office and get you dismissed and skip the rest of the afternoon if it would be easier for you?"

"I'm more than willing to skip, but I don't want to get you in shit Edward."

"It's no trouble, and I feel dreadful for upsetting you. I'd do anything to make you smile."

"Edward," she scolded, "I'll be fine to go to class. You don't have to skip class to make me smile."

"Would you skip class for me then?" I asked. I wouldn't be paying attention in the next two classes anyway. She was the one I wanted to be with, and if I let her go to gym without me then I might lose my nerve.

"I'd do anything for you," she assured me, trying to smile. It didn't hide her worry. We headed to the office instead of the biology lab.

"Don't watch what I do here," I whispered, feeling self-conscious as we got to the office door. I wasn't sure if Bella would want to see what I could do to Mrs. Cope. "Try to look tired and perhaps as if you were in pain," I suggested. Bella was a horrible actress. It was a good thing Mrs. Cope barely noticed her standing there with me. "Mrs. Cope?" I asked in my smoothest most convincing voice. "I was just escorting Bella to class when she felt a little bit dizzy. I think it might be best if she was dismissed for the rest of the day. I will make sure she gets home safely myself."

"Not feeling well Hun?" she asked Bella, never taking her eyes off me. She was stuck in my gaze, trying very hard not to be attracted to me, although her only dilemma was my age. Her marriage wasn't even a thought in her mind. I was in no place to judge her motivations. I only needed her to agree with me.

"My leg's really bothering me. I need to lay down," Bella explained. I shot her a glare. She was laying it on a little too thick and I was worried Mrs. Cope might send her to the nurse's office.

"I'm sure Mrs. Cope agrees that you'd rest most comfortably at home, don't you Mrs. Cope?" I tilted my head down so I had to look through my lashes at her, knowing she'd immediately drop her reservations. She was considering calling Charlie and he most certainly did not need to be apprised of the situation, particularly since I had no intention of taking Bella home. "Bella why don't you sit while Mrs. Cope takes care of things for you?" I watched Bella sit down and then turned back to Mrs. Cope wearing Bella's favourite smile. Mrs. Cope was wavering with protocol. She was supposed to call a parent or guardian before dismissing any minor student. "You have my word that I will personally see she makes it home safely. Bella's Uncle Charlie wouldn't object to having Bella dismissed as long as she didn't drive herself in this state." She was still wavering so I stared at her a little more intensely. "I would really appreciate it if you could do this for me?"

"S-S-Sure Edward," she agreed, tripping over her words and blushing as her mind moved to a completely inappropriate sexual thought involving her and I. "I'll excuse you both from the rest of the afternoon. Just make sure she gets home safely."

"You have my word Mrs. Cope, and thank you." I was uncomfortable enough for all three of us now and didn't wait to see where her next thought might go. I turned to Bella and flicked my head towards the exit to get her moving, rushing to the door to open it for her and closing it tightly behind us before Mrs. Cope could change her mind.

"That really wasn't very fair," Bella complained. "You're going to give that old woman a heart attack with your flirting."

"I told you not to watch," I reminded her, smirking.

"Are you kidding? You were like a force of nature in there. I'm surprised she didn't dismiss you for the rest of the week the way you worked her over."

"It was for a good cause so it was easy to throw myself into the task," I suggested, chuckling.

"Nope. I think you enjoyed toying with that poor woman a little bit too much," Bella teased.

"Enjoy is a strong word. I merely did what needed to be done to get you dismissed."

"Oh I see," she allowed. "I suppose you think I needed to be able to read minds to know that she wants pull you into the principal's office and have her way with you?"

"You noticed that?" I asked, surprised. I hadn't noticed the outward signals. Her thoughts were so crude that I didn't look for the physical markers.

"Yeah, you tend to notice when a middle aged woman is giving your boyfriend googly eyes. Impressive work though Edward, really. The poor woman didn't have a chance to begin with and then you gave her the crooked grin _and_ looked through your lashes at her. That was almost cruel."

"Is there anything you don't notice?" I wondered rhetorically, as the pieces of my dilemma fell into place. Maybe I wouldn't have to tell Bella what I was at all. Maybe she would be able to guess it? I was suddenly unexplainably hopeful. She was able to put together the details of my mind reading and accept it without any reservations. Maybe the same would happen with my nature. I reached out for her hips and hoisted her over my shoulder, grabbing her crutches before they even had a chance to hit the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing Edward?" Bella laughed. "Put me down."

"No," I proclaimed. "You're dizzy remember? I am only making sure you get to the car safely."

"People are going to see," she whispered, still giggling. I didn't care who saw.

"Let them look…and I'll give them something to look at," I told her, playfully swatting her behind. I jammed the crutches at the door and pushed it open. Every step I took felt lighter as she laughed softly in my ear. This was the life I wanted, a physical connection to Bella and the opportunity to make her happy. There was no better thing I could imagine.

When I got to the Volvo I let her slide down off my shoulder and sat her on the trunk of the car, pushing myself between her knees so I could be closer to her. "What is up with you Edward?" she demanded. "A few minutes ago you were withdrawn and upset and now you're carefree and playful. What gives?"

"It's you," I told her, wrapping my arms around her torso. "I get you all to myself now and I refuse to waste even a moment more worrying about anything else but us."

"Nothing else matters," she whispered sincerely.

"Nothing else matters," I echoed her softly. "You and me and nothing else."

*****

As I drove I tried to organize my thoughts and prepare myself for the coming conversation. It was difficult not to get swept away in Bella and forget the reason for the afternoon. Above everything else, even my own fear of losing her, I was afraid of hurting her. She was finally happy and she deserved happiness after all the loss in her life. I hated that I might take it away from her. I thought of the fierce loyalty in her eyes when she told me she loved me, and felt undeserving again. It was a strange position to be in, to hold the happiness of the one you love in your hands and be unable to protect it. My love had brought her happiness but could also cause its ruin.

I was very uncreative and rather predictable in my choice of picnic sites. The forest clearing meant something to me and to Bella and we both felt happy there so it seemed like the right fit for us today. I hadn't packed much, just a few odds and ends with Alice's help since I hadn't paid very good attention to what Bella liked to eat. Bella seemed neither surprised nor disappointed when I pulled the car over. I scooped the blanket and basket from the trunk on my way around to Bella's door. She already had it opened but waited for me to help her out. "Did you want to walk?" I asked.

"Do you mind if I do it without the crutches? I'll be slow," she warned me.

"Not at all. If you get too tired I can always help you."

"I don't think I'll get tired. The ground is so soft that the crutches will just sink." I offered my hand and pulled her from the car when she accepted it. She laced her tiny fingers through mine and looked up at me. "Will you hold my hand?" she asked shyly.

"Of course," I assured her, lightly kissing her hand. We walked slowly through the long grass as Bella limped unevenly, labouring to pull her cast. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather me carry you?"

"I'm sure. The walk feels good." Her eyes were clear and unworried when I looked down into them, reassuring me and reigniting my hope that this afternoon could somehow work out in my favour. I rubbed my thumb along the edge of her tiny hand soothingly as we walked, conveying I was in no rush and encouraging her to take her time.

Once we reached the clearing I spread out the thick blanket and laid the basket down in one corner while I watched Bella sprawl out comfortably. She seemed so at ease that I couldn't decide if her ease should give me confidence that she could handle my news or if she would be more like a deer caught in the headlights once she figured it out. I peeked into the basket. "Are you hungry?"

"A little. I didn't eat much at lunch. Then again, neither did you," she pointed out sarcastically. I pulled out the container of strawberries and opened the lid, passing the container across to Bella, and settled down on to the blanket, mirroring Bella's reclined position. She pulled the container up to her nose and inhaled deeply. "They smell so good." She held the container out for me to smell. I held my hand up to her to politely refuse. "You have to smell them," she insisted. "You're not going to make me crawl all the way over there are you?" She knew she had me with her plea but she smiled sweetly at me anyway. I shifted across the blanket towards her and leaned in to smell them. They were sweet and pungent, but held no appeal for me. I smiled softly at her, hoping to mask my lack of reaction. "Don't they smell delicious?"

"I don't think they smell nearly as lovely as you," I told her honestly, although perhaps given my news it was completely the wrong sentiment.

"Shut up," she scolded, smacking my arm with her hand. Her cheeks turned crimson and I couldn't stop myself from reaching out and stroking them.

"When are you going to be able to take a compliment without blushing?" I wondered quietly.

"Never," she stated flatly, looking down into her lap.

"That suits me fine. I like it when you blush." I watched her fingers move to the container of strawberries and pick one up. She brought it to her mouth and I was mesmerized by the way her lips pouted out around the berry as she bit into it. I'd never really put much effort into watching her eat before. It seemed so obvious to watch her do something that I didn't do, like some kind of red flag to alert her to my behaviour. I was less inhibited today, given the conversation that I planned. It was rather enjoyable, almost sensual to watch her eat.

"Do you want some?" she wondered, holding the strawberry out to me. I hesitated, half curious if it could taste anywhere near as good as the way she made it look. Instead, I leaned in and kissed her juice stained lips, sucking softly on her bottom lip to remove the sticky sweet residue and turning myself on further in the process.

"I prefer to eat my strawberries like that," I informed her in a low tone, hoping she enjoyed my efforts enough to not put the question to me again. I didn't want to have to lie to her.

"I think strawberries will be my new favourite food then, and I will share them with you at every meal," she declared with a wicked glint in her eyes. "Since you never seem to eat any other time."

"Does it bother you that I don't eat very often?"

"Bother me? Why would it bother me?" she asked, taking another bite of strawberry and momentarily distracting me.

"We are unalike in many ways. Eating is only one of them."

"So?" she shrugged. I should have expected her indifference but I hadn't. I was counting on her observations to guide the conversation.

"You don't find it curious that I don't eat?"

"Sure, but I just figured you must like to eat at home or some shit, like maybe a phobia about eating in public places, or high school cafeterias." I smiled at her theory. She'd obviously thought about it and it pleased me that she had and didn't care. Again I found myself hoping.

"What if there was some other explanation for it?" I wondered.

"As long as you're healthy and happy then it doesn't much matter." I let my hand trail along the back of her hand, tickling her skin with my fingertips.

"Have you ever wondered about the ways we are different?"

"Of course…you're a boy, I'm a girl," she chuckled.

"True," I allowed, smirking at her. "There is a definite difference between our sexes, but I was referring to something that wasn't quite so obvious."

"What then? Did you need to hear that you're ridiculously good looking, because yeah, I've noticed that too," she laughed.

"No," I laughed. "Other physical differences, like the temperature of my skin for instance?"

"So?" she shrugged. "What are you getting at Edward?"

"My cold skin doesn't bother you?"

"I told you before that it doesn't. I'm too warm. You're too cold. Who gives a crap?"

"Your skin is warm and soft and inviting," I told her quietly, allowing my hand to drift down her body to her hip. My eyes moved from her face down to my hand, seeking permission. When she nodded, I slid my hand under her jacket, pushing aside the fabric of her t-shirt until I made contact with her skin. "So warm and soft," I repeated in a murmur. "Mine isn't."

"I don't care," she affirmed. "I like you just the way you are."

"How do you see my skin?"

"It's just skin Edward."

"Describe it for me please," I pleaded softly.

"Well…" she paused, thinking about my questions. "Your skin is muscular…and cool," she informed me reverently. I didn't understand her tone.

"And pale," I added.

She snorted delicately. "I don't give a shit about that. I'm pale too."

"Pale, yes, but not hard and cold." I pulled myself up to sitting and shrugged off my coat. She wasn't following my thoughts so I was going to have to show her. I let my hand drift to the placket of my shirt and undo the top few buttons. Her eyes were stuck on my fingers as they eased each button out of the buttonhole. "My skin isn't like yours," I whispered, finishing the last couple of buttons looking down, feeling ashamed of what I was. I let my shirt fall open.

"Wow," she whispered, gaping at my bare chest. I felt exposed and compunctious and uneasy as I waited for her to stop staring and tell me what she was thinking. "Can I touch it?"

"Touch it?" I asked, confused. She'd touched my skin before. She knew how unnatural it was. I watched her as she sat up and wiggled towards me with her hand out stretched. Her tiny fingers glossed over my skin, pushing my shirt open further.

"Lay down," she murmured softly, her eyes still stuck on my chest.

"Bella," I complained.

"Please?" she pressed. I didn't understand what she was after but gave her what she was asking, lying down on my back. She crawled over to me and then hiked her leg over my body so that she was straddling me.

"Bella, your leg," I warned, worried she might hurt herself.

"I'm fine," she whispered, dropping her body onto mine, and resting her weight on my hips. I wasn't sure if the placement of her body was on purpose or not, but she had me pinned in a rather ungentlemanly position. I wouldn't be able to hide my reaction to her if she continued turning me on like she did with the strawberries. Her hands slid out from her body and she caressed the skin of my stomach with her palms, slowly moving up my torso. I tried to concentrate on the conversation instead of the way her touch was making me feel.

"It's so much harder and colder than your skin."

"Edward, it's perfect," she whispered, letting her fingertips press into my flesh. I didn't understand how she could see my skin as anything but repulsive in comparison to her own.

"It's not natural," I admitted shamefully.

"No, it's not natural," she agreed. "But I don't know a man who wouldn't kill to be this defined and muscular, or a woman who wouldn't want this to touch."

"Bella, you're not hearing me. This skin…it's not natural. There's a reason it's not like yours. I'm not like you…" I paused to gather my courage and Bella interrupted me.

"I don't care Edward," she explained, although I couldn't comprehend how she couldn't.

"You don't care?" I demanded. "You don't care what I am?" My tone was filled with disgust and disbelief.

"I think you're perfect just the way you are. You're even more attractive than I imagined you'd be," she admitted shyly, letting her hands drift further up my body and slide my shirt partially off my shoulders. Her touch was electric as her warm fingers smoothed over my skin gently.

"Surely you see the differences Bella," I challenged her, lowering my voice and trying to control the fear that threatened to squelch my efforts to be truthful. "I opened my shirt for a reason, to show you what you insist doesn't exist. We are different Bella, and there's a reason for that difference."

"Why are you doing this Edward?" she asked quietly. Her calmness was almost eerie and I tried to reign in my intensity while her soft voice filled my ears. "We've talked about this, at least a little bit. I thought that you wanted to be with me."

"I do want to be with you. That's exactly why I'm doing this," I justified, unable to keep my fear from creeping into my tone.

"Then be with me Edward. We don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm ready. I don't have any reservations. I've thought it through and I know what I want." She paused, looking down through her lashes at me, as if the words themselves weren't enough to put me over the edge. "I want you…I want to be with you and I'm not afraid." I could tell how vulnerable she was feeling. I pushed myself off the blanket to sit up, resting my hands on her hips.

"Bella, look at me," I implored.

"I am looking," she whispered.

"No, really look at me," I impugned. "Look past what you think you see and really see what's there."

"I see you, bare-chested and glorious…and I want to touch you."

"Bella, please," I insisted, my tone marred by frustration. "For just a minute, forget what you're feeling and tell me what you see."

"What _I'm_ feeling? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I thought we were both feeling it?"

"This isn't about sex Bella, and before it can ever get to sex we need to have this conversation."

Her lips pouted out petulantly before she gave in and tried to answer my question. "I see pale skin. I see a bare chest that I'd very much like to run my fingers across. I see a scant amount of hair just below your neck that requires my fingertip's attention. I see your muscles, defined pecs and a rippled stomach."

"Fine then, look at my face and tell me what you see!" She huffed and rolled her eyes, becoming more frustrated with each request I made.

"I see you. I see a mouth that's not smiling but if it were you'd have a dimple right there." Her tiny finger came out to softly touch my cheek. "I see angled cheekbones, and perfect lips that were created to kiss me, and thick groomed eyebrows, and long dark lashes that frame the most unique butterscotch coloured eyes, eyes that I know by heart."

"And you've never wondered what makes them such an odd colour?"

"No," she whispered, looking down.

"There's a reason," I affirmed.

"They're your eyes and I love them. I don't care what makes them the colour they are. Only that they are looking back at me and happy, not filled with worry like they are right now."

"My eyes used to be green," I whispered, hoping to impress upon her that this was not a natural eye colour.

"Oh," she sighed sadly. "I didn't know that…but I still don't care."

"Bella, please don't be obtuse. I'm trying to get you to see something, to put the pieces together."

"I'm not being obtuse," she spat defensively. "I heard what you said about your eye colour."

"You're very observant. Surely you've noticed that they change colour…vary in darkness?"

"Everyone's eyes do that. The colour is only a perception, based on illumination and the colours that surround them. Mine do it too."

"No Bella," I whispered, wanting to correct her further but afraid to hurt her.

"And eye colour changes with age, and puberty and even childbirth. I read a paper once written around the hypothesis that eye colour changes with somatic hormonal levels. The body is like a fucking test tube. We are constantly undergoing changes, millions of chemical reactions every day…" Her voice trailed off, filled with sadness, and she was quiet for a few moments. "If you don't want me you could just say it you know?" she whispered. I pulled her chin up and forced her to look at me.

"This is not because I don't want you," I complained, louder than I intended before I got a hold of my frustration.

"Sorry," she mumbled, embarrassed. "It's…well…habit."

"It's a habit to insult yourself?"

"It's never made sense to me that you would want this," she told me in a small voice, shoulders hunched and eyes down, waving her hand down her body to illustrate what she meant.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, upset with myself for losing my temper with her for even a moment. None of this was her fault. I was the one that couldn't find the right words, the one who was still being controlled by my fear. "I didn't mean to raise my voice like that. I love you Bella and that's never going to change. And whether or not it makes sense to you, I do want you," I explained softly, rubbing my thumb along her hipbone. "Today, tomorrow, and forever. I'm always going to want you. Do you think I'd be going through all of this if I didn't want you?"

"Then don't go through it," she whispered. "If what you need to tell me is going to change what's between us then I don't want to know." I could hear the fear in her voice now even though I wasn't sure what had caused it, my intensity or some inkling of what might be coming.

"I need you to know this before we can be together," I murmured painfully, knowing I would hurt her.

"Then I don't want to be with you. I don't need to have sex with you to be happy. I just want things to stay the way they are. Honestly, I don't think I can handle any changes."

"You don't mean that. I understand that you're afraid. I'm afraid too but what I need to tell you about is a part of me, part of who I am, but only a part. If you can accept it then there is nothing that could ever hurt us again."

"But this could hurt us?" she asked with wide frightened eyes. "Whatever it is that you think you need to share with me could hurt us?"

"It might, yes," I admitted as my voice cracked on the honesty of my words.

"Then I don't want to know."

"Bella, be serious."

"I am being serious. I've experienced enough adversity to last a lifetime. I won't risk us. I'd rather live in ignorance than know something that might change what we have."

"Don't you think we need to keep moving forward?"

"No. We can stay right here in this very moment…where I love you enough to give myself to you and you love me enough to protect me from something that will hurt me."

"Bella, if there was any way around this then I would take it. I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't."

"But this is part of who I am. I can't change it any more than I can hide it from you any longer. I want you to know all of me, no secrets or hiding."

"I know all I need to know Edward."

"That's not true. If you knew this then it might change the way you see things. It might make you second guess being with me intimately, or being in love with me at all."

"Then I _really_ don't want to know," she contended firmly. "Why are you doing this Edward? Do you want to push me away? Are you trying to scare me? Aren't you happy with me?" The obvious strife in her voice was excruciating.

"Of course not." I brought a hand up to her face and stroked her cheeked, hoping to convey my sincerity and soothe her a small amount. "I would never purposefully push you away or scare you. You are my happiness."

"Then don't do this." She pushed back from my body and I was instantly panicked. My eyes were stuck on her, watching her as she awkwardly pulled at the sleeves of her coat until she was able to get herself free of it. Her wary eyes held mine for a moment before the movement of her hands caught my attention. I watched her hands move to her hem and clumsily pull her t-shirt over her head. "Then don't do this," she repeated in a meek whisper, pulling herself to my body. She tucked her head under my chin, laying her cheek on my skin, and pressed her body into my chest. "Just love me," she entreated piteously.

I couldn't even allow myself a moment to enjoy her warmth against my skin, grabbing at my coat and gently pushing her body away from me in the process. I wrapped the coat around her body the best I could to shield her. "Bella, there is no privacy here," I warned modestly. "People might see you."

She frenetically pulled her body back to mine, again tucking her head under my chin. "I don't care," she whispered into my chest. I suddenly realized she was hiding from me purposely.

"Bella look at me," I pleaded softly, grasping at her cheeks and easing her face up towards mine as she half-heartedly fought me. "I do love you. I want to make love to you. Please believe me. I just don't want anything to come between us. That's why I want you to know everything before we take this step, so you can't look back someday regretfully."

"There's nothing you could say that would make me change my mind."

"Then you shouldn't be afraid to hear what I have to say."

"No, I meant that I've made my mind up. I don't need any more information to make the decision. It's made, so please don't wreck this. Please don't take this away from me."

"I'm not trying to wreck this or take anything away…" She didn't let me finish, pushing her lips against mine as I spoke, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and pressing herself into my chest. I couldn't ignore the warmth of her skin against mine, or the sensuality it created. I couldn't ignore the way her supple lips pouted against mine desperately or the immediate flood of want I felt when her hands touched my neck. Against my will my arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her to me and I moaned into her kiss. Her tongue pushed against my lips and I fought with everything I had against my desire to give her what she wanted. She whimpered and ground down on my hips, using every point of contact between our bodies to press intimately against me. "Bella," I begged desperately, "stop. You're not playing fairly." Her tiny hands tangled into my hair and she pushed my mouth back to hers to stop me from talking, taking advantage of my speaking by pushing her tongue into my open mouth. I was losing control. Between my want and my frustration I couldn't reign in my reaction to her. The only thing I had left was my will. "Bella, please," I urged, murmuring into her kiss. "This can't happen until we talk." Again she ground down on me, seeking what I could not grant her. I needed a more controlled environment than this situation offered to ensure her safety. I wanted to give her more tenderness than the scant amount of privacy the clearing would allow. I had no way out of this situation without hurting her and I knew she wouldn't listen to further reasoning. I exerted my physical strength with the last bit of control I possessed. I released my hold on her waist and clasped her cheeks firmly, easing her back from our kiss. "Not like this Bella."

"Fine," she spat. "Not like this…not ever." Her voice was angry and unforgiving, and even though I expected it I felt the pain of it like a stab to my heart. I did not release her cheeks even though she struggled against my hands.

"I know you're angry and that you feel hurt, but my only concern is you. Please understand that this is something I want very badly but can't take in good conscience without full disclosure. I know how you value honesty, and I respect you and what you stand for. There are things that are out of my control…things I wish I could change…but I just can't. It wouldn't be fair of me to make love to you until you know everything."

"Let go of me please," she asked apathetically. She was pulling back from me, retreating into her defensive walls to protect herself from further hurt.

"Bella, I love you. I'm not rejecting you. I'm simply asking for some patience."

"Fine, you have my patience," she sighed, "Since it's the only thing I can give that you really want."

"You know that's not true. I want all of you, not just your patience," I murmured softly, knowing my words would fall on deaf ears. Her hurt would never allow her to hear me and believe me.

"Please let go of me," she asked again. Her defeat was palpable. I leaned in and kissed her lips softly before releasing her cheeks from between my palms. There was no spirit in her kiss, no verve in her lips. She kissed me because she had to, like I was no one special, merely as a means to give me what I wanted so that I might grant her what she wanted.

"Bella, I love you," I whispered sincerely.

"I know. I'd like to go home now please. My leg hurts from sitting like this." She shrugged out of the makeshift cover-up of my jacket and reached for her t-shirt. I watched her, willing her to look at me but her eyes never looked in my direction. She pulled her t-shirt over her head haphazardly, yanking her hair from the neck hole and letting it fall forward to hide her flushed cheeks from me.

"Would you like me to carry you?"

"No thank you." I offered my hand to her as she lifted herself out of my lap but she did not take it. She grabbed her jacket off the blanket and began walking towards the car, pulling the jacket on as she walked. I quickly buttoned my shirt and put on my jacket, gathering up the basket and blanket, and rushed to her side. I slipped my hand around hers to hold it as we had on the way. She stiffened minutely, glancing at me sideways unhappily.

"Is it okay if I hold your hand?" I asked.

"Sure," she replied uneasily. That was the end of our conversation. Though I tried to engage her on the way home and reopen the subject I'd been trying to broach all afternoon, she remained detached and aloof. She let me hold her hand in the car but there was none of the comfort and assuagement that she normally gave me. When I kissed her hand softly she glanced sideways and half smiled. When I told her I loved her again she repeated that she knew I loved her. I could practically feel her folding in on herself.

Her hand was already on the door handle when I pulled into the school parking lot. I knew I had to take a risk so I decided to show her my speed. She started to open her door but before she had it open I was there beside her, offering my hand. "How did you…you were over there?"

"It's another of our differences Bella…one of the things I've been trying to talk to you about."

"Oh," she sighed. "Right." Her voice sounded impossibly more defeated. When I turned my back to her to get her crutches out of the back seat, she unlocked her truck and got in, slamming the door behind her. I tapped lightly on the window and pointed to her crutches. She rolled the window down reluctantly. "You can just shove them in the truck bed," she instructed me.

"Can I follow you home?"

"No, that's okay. I'll be fine," she assured me.

"It would make me feel better," I admitted.

"Edward, I really need to be by myself." I knew it was hard for her to admit that to me.

"Please don't pull away Bella. I know I hurt you but I didn't mean to. Please just give me a chance to explain?"

"I'm not pulling away. I just need some time to think. I wouldn't want to say something in anger that I'd regret later." I couldn't help but feel her words were just an excuse to get her away from me, even if there was truth in them.

"Can I call you later then?"

"Sure."

Again I told her I loved her and she told me she knew. "You don't want to say it back to me?" I asked softly, wanting desperately to get through the walls she was putting up.

She chewed unconsciously on her lip and then her eyes shot to mine. "I love you too." She looked away quickly but not before I saw the tears in her eyes. I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. If I tried to stop her it would only make her feel more vulnerable and perhaps more angry. I didn't want that. She used my hesitation to gun her truck's engine and take off. Her hurt was much deeper than I'd predicted and I had to find a way to make her listen to me and somehow make up for the hurt I'd unintentionally caused. I got in the Volvo and headed towards her house. Whether she wanted to or not, we were going to figure this out together.

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**A/N:** Reviews are love!!!


	31. Disclosure

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns all of the characters. I'm just playing with them like play-doh. Please note the following warning.  
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CAUTION: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A VIVID ACCOUNT OF BELLA'S MOTHER'S DEATH THAT MAY BE DIFFICULT OR PAINFUL FOR SOME READERS.**

I don't want to upset anyone so I don't give this warning lightly. This chapter is overwhelmingly angsty but ends with a light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully, if I've written it well enough. Again, please take the warning seriously.

I was trying to get the next chapter done as well so that I could not only give you guys a two for one but give you something that wasn't so heavy. After working today on the chapter following this one I came to realize that 'hey, it's heavy too.' I gave myself the night to finish it with the promise to deliver this chapter if I didn't get it done. Sorry, I didn't get it done, but I am determined to give all of my extra time to it because I really don't want to leave this chapter as the end of the story thus far for very long.

This chapter really gets you into Bella's mind in an almost scary and too close for comfort way. I hope it explains why she's so afraid, and that even if it isn't how you think that you can appreciate it from the character's perspective.

Again I ask for patience with review replies. I know many of you don't mind that I haven't gotten them done, and I will reply, but while the words are flowing I have chosen to write so I don't lose the inertia.

I admit to you now that I am almost afraid to post this chapter because I have no idea what sort of reviews it will get. It's all a part of the story though, so I hand it over to your capable hands.  
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From Bella's POV**...

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Stupid traitor tears. I knew I shouldn't have echoed his 'I love you.' I knew it would be more than I could do and stay intact. I could deny and pretend with the best of them, but those three words were words I'd said to only a very few people in my life, and they represented something big to me. I couldn't pretend I didn't feel them when I said them, and with all of the things we'd said and done that afternoon I knew saying I love you would be the breach of my intentionally contained emotions. I'd barely kept my emotions in check up to that point.

I could feel something building in me all day and like an idiot I ignored it, writing off the signs along the way as jitters. It was clear that I was off my game, and obviously my hormones were outer limits. I thought the point of the picnic was to talk about sex, to throw it all out there on the table about what we were expecting and agree to go for it. I had no idea there was more to it than that for him. There wasn't for me.

I let the tears fall as I drove, feeling the dread taking over and smothering me. Edward made it too easy to believe in hope and dream of happiness. Fate had shown me over and over again what a motherfucker it was. I just wasn't meant to have normalcy and happiness the way the average person was. Moreover, I was meant to sample beauty and perfection so that I would never be able to forget how truly good life could be. My happiness would never be more than a bitter taste on my tongue as a reminder of what I couldn't have.

It was my own fucking fault too. I was the one who selfishly wanted more of Edward's love. I couldn't just be content to kiss him and be held by him, as if it wasn't the most glorious thing I'd ever known. I had to be selfish. I had to want more from him, want all of him, want everything he had to give. Rock the boat and you fucking capsize it. I'd already learned that lesson. Serves me right for thinking this time would be different.

I could see only two choices, tread water or drown. I could give up, push Edward away and pretend I'd never known what it was like to be loved by him. That hadn't worked out so well for me up to this point. The other choice was to tread water, live in the present state of conditions and resist any changes, the s_tatus quo ante_ – the state in which before. That's all I was trying to get Edward to do by not telling me his news, to have him let me live in the status quo. He was happy with it; he'd told me so at school. If we had a place where we were both happy then wasn't that the best place to hang out? I was stupid and short sighted to try and push us out of it, and it may very well have been the worst decision I'd ever made.

I knew I didn't have much time. He would have seen the tears, and while he was enough of a gentleman to give me some space to calm down, he wasn't going to let me hide from him, even thought I'm sure he knew that I wanted to do just that. He was a good match for me in that sense, except today I couldn't take the push and pull of that fight. I could feel my insides unravelling and I needed to let myself come apart. He couldn't save me from this, no matter how strongly he believed that he could. This was a part of me he didn't know.

I could feel the glimmerings of what Edward had been trying to tell me poking at my brain and I tried to block it out. I wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't enough, period. I rushed into the house, slamming the door and sliding down it, and let the tears escalate, sobs heaving from my chest, the torrent of salty water blurring my vision and fogging my thinking, slowly dragging me under.

Grief.

I heard the rhythmic ticking of the clock from the kitchen in the moments of silence between bouts of tears, keeping time with my undoing. It was the only sense I had of time passing

"Bella?" I heard his smooth voice from the other side of the door, full of concern. I heard the doorknob twist, and felt him try to push the old door open as it vibrated against my back, shivering and rippling in the frame under the duress of his strength. I heard my mind whisper 'go away.' I was too far gone to speak. "Bella please let me in. We need to talk." He was using his most compelling tone, but I could hear the worry seeping from fissures in his control. He excelled at control. He hid behind his control the way I hid behind my sarcasm, just a mask to protect us from the world. "I can hear you in there, sweetheart. Please just let me in. Just let me comfort you and stop the tears." His anguish was palpable.

"Not now Edward," I rasped, dragging myself off the floor and away from the sound of his voice. I couldn't let him see me like this, not until I had control of myself and could show him that I could be brave and strong like he needed me to be. I didn't know where to look for the strength. Grief steals your strength.

"Bella, please don't leave," he begged. I struggled with walking, limping towards the stairs and fighting the pull of his voice. I didn't want to hurt him, but I only had enough focus and energy to give to myself. There was nothing I could give to him in this moment but more upset, and that was the last thing he needed. "Bella," he called, knocking on the door with a heavy hand. The hollow sound resonated through me and left me feeling emptier somehow. "I'm not leaving. I'll be here outside this door for as long as it takes for you to let me in." I wondered if he'd heard the irony in his words like I did.

I crawled up the stairs, feeling too unsteady on my feet to safely maneuver them. The crying made my body shake and I felt too tired to hold the banister firmly. I stopped at the top of the steps and finished crying. I don't know how long I sat there. The ticking clock was out of earshot.

On some level, the crying is easier. Feeling all of the shit is horrible, but your brain isn't trying to tell you anything. Your sensory perceptions sort of take over and focus you inward on the pain and the emotions. Once the crying finishes, your brain takes over, filling in the blanks and trying to make sense of everything you felt, what caused it and how to change it and fix things. That part is always so much worse for me. I didn't feel ready to face the truth. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel ready.

I pulled myself up and went to the bathroom for a shower. It was usually where I started when I fell apart. I peeled off my clothes and removed my cast and carefully maneuvered my leg over the side of the tub. I sat myself on the corner ledge and let the hot water wash over me. There was something to be said for the comfort the warmth lent, and the perception that the water could rinse away the crap and make me feel brand new. I washed my hair and shaved my legs and left in the deep conditioner extra long just to extend my time under the soothing stream. Reality was bleeding into my consciousness and I was still resisting.

It started with rationalizations. So what if we were different? It didn't matter to me if he was cold and I was hot, if he was hard and I was soft, if he was gorgeous and I was average. I didn't care if his eyes were green or brown or the liquid caramel tone I had come to know so well. I was every bit as pale as he was. Maybe I wasn't as fast or as strong, but weren't most boys faster and stronger than most girls? Wasn't that just genetics? I could intellectualize everything he'd pointed out but a single glaring anomaly, the one contrariety that didn't fit, the one nonconformity. If Edward's secret was a difference between us, and I had accepted all of our differences without any difficulties, then why hide it?

Next came the hypotheses. Clearly I had proven I was extremely stubborn and self-protective when it came to letting him close to me. Had I brought this on myself by being so closed off? Is that why he couldn't be honest with me from the beginning about his secret? In getting to know one another he had shown me other parts of himself without reservation, including his mind reading. It seemed to me that it wasn't in his character to hide things from someone he loved, and keeping this secret was obviously weighing heavily on him. What other reasons could he have to hide something from me? We had trust and honesty in every other part of our relationship. Certainly he loved me and trusted me with his heart, so why would this one secret cause a problem?

Did he think I couldn't handle it? And if that was the case, did he think I wouldn't be capable of understanding or incapable of dealing with it? I certainly demonstrated an ability to overreact as well as an inability to control myself in certain situations. I'd punched Mike and hit Jessica with my crutch. Did he think I would be angry? He'd been on the receiving end of my temper but it never made him back down. He refused to accept my anger when he knew I was hiding behind it. He was patient and pushed past the bullshit excuses I offered. He knew me, he knew my heart, and he wasn't afraid of my anger. Did that mean he thought I wasn't capable of dealing with his secret?

What could be so horrible that I couldn't deal with it? There was nothing obvious I could come up with that would make him see me as incapable. In fact, he knew that I was more than able to take care of myself. I'd tried to show him that I loved him, that I was loyal to him and that he was the most important person in the world to me. Had I gone too far? Had I made him think I was dependent on him for my happiness? Or was it simply that he had finally accepted that he was my whole world and it was too much for him? It couldn't be that. He was my whole world and I was his. He needed me the way I needed him, not in some unequal or one-sided way.

What was he protecting me from?

The question stirred something deep inside me, something scary and familiar and overpowering. He was always careful with how he worded things, always sensitive about the things that might hurt me, always vigilant about safeguarding me. What kind of secret had the power to change us? What could be so huge that it might make me not want to be with him? I ran over our differences again in my head and felt the grief pulling at the edges of my consciousness and threatening to take hold. No one knew the future. No one could predict what was coming for us…but what if he could somehow? What if he knew something that would predict the outcome of us? What if the knowledge he hid made him sure of a future I couldn't handle because of who I was? There was only one possibility that my mind had been circling around and coming back to, the one thing I couldn't handle, losing him.

He promised me he wouldn't leave me, a promise I always complained he could never honestly make. Staying with me was a choice that he would have to willingly make, a choice to stay with me and fight for what we had. He made the promise nevertheless. I knew how much I meant to him and that he would always choose to stay. I knew the only way he'd break that promise was if he couldn't stay, if staying was not a choice at all. If he left, then leaving was his only option. And there was only one way that leaving would be the only option.

The tears started again, no sobs or shaking, just warm streams of tears running down my cheeks endlessly. Eventually the heat of my tears made me realize that I'd stayed in the shower too long. The water had long ago passed through tepid and cool and was downright freezing by the time I came too enough to understand that I was shivering and needed to get out.

I shut off the water and slid along the edge of the tub to the towel rack, easing myself out of the tub carefully. I used the big fluffy towel to dry off my leg first and then snapped my cast back into place before wrapping the oversized towel around my body. It didn't stop the shivering or the tears.

I pulled the towel off my body and used it to dry my hair, slipping into my bathrobe when I finished. I jammed the towel back onto the rack, and decided to get under the covers of my bed and just give up. I felt too tired to think or fight. Two steps into my room I heard his voice call my name, soft and gentle. "Bella?" He was sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of my room, but stood up as soon as I looked in his direction.

I squinted to focus through the tears. "Edward?" I wasn't expecting to see him in my bedroom. "How did you get in here?" I wondered. "Is Charlie home?"

"No," he admitted quietly, walking towards me cautiously.

"Then how did you get in here?"

"The window."

"You climbed through the window?" He was beside me now. I looked up at him with disbelief.

"Yes." He reached out for me, cupping my cheeks and drying my tears with his thumbs. I looked away from his gaze, embarrassed by my excessive display of emotion. I didn't like to cry in front of anyone. He didn't try to speak or make me talk to him. He just kissed my forehead softly and pulled me into his arms. Even the comfort of his arms didn't soothe the tears. He held me for a few minutes before I pulled away from him, feeling weak and ashamed of my inability to control my emotions.

"Why are you here Edward?" I knew why he'd come, expected it even, but I wasn't ready to continue our conversation.

"I couldn't leave you here by yourself, not with you so upset."

"You can't help me," I whispered.

"I have to at least try. This is my fault." His voice was tinged with guilt.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"This thing you so desperately need me to know, is it permanent?"

"Yes." I sighed and let myself fall back onto the bed, bringing my knees up to my chest in an effort to hold myself together. Maybe if I could shape my body into a ball I could find a way to stop the tears and keep everything inside, control my emotions and my reactions and not fall apart any further. He sat down beside me. His body language was as clear as mine as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. He was frustrated and worried and feeling the stress of this whole situation like I was.

"I figured it out," I rasped. Admitting it out loud made the emotions I was controlled by that much stronger. My crying escalated again. He reached for me, pulling me into his lap even though I tried to resist him, and held me close to his body with his arms wrapped around me until my sobs softened and dissipated.

"What did you figure out?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"You're afraid to tell me your news because you think it's something I can't handle. You're afraid it's going to hurt me so deeply and that I won't come back from it." I looked up at him, seeing the worry and pain in his eyes. "I won't," I confirmed. His arms tightened around me and he dropped his head to my shoulder, burying his face in my hair. His silence told me I was right. "Come on," I whispered, pulling myself out of his lap and crawling towards the pillows. I slid under the covers and held the corner of the comforter up to invite him to me. He hesitated for a moment but then moved towards me willingly, easing in next to me. I shifted on to my right side, facing the wall, tucking the covers around me tightly for comfort. Edward turned too, pulling my body to him and spooning against me. I wasn't sure if he did it for himself or me, but I was grateful. The contact gave me enough comfort to find a small amount of courage and strength to continue.

"I drove my Mom to the doctor's office the day she got her diagnosis," I began softly. "She'd been having headaches and nothing seemed to be treating them. I was stunned when the doctor said 'brain tumour.' She was referred to an oncologist and he was hopeful, so I was too. She started chemotherapy right away and she did really well with it. Her hair thinned but she didn't lose all of it. Her nausea wasn't even that bad…but the fucking tumour wouldn't shrink. The best the chemo could do was to keep it from growing." I barely recognized my own voice as the quiet tone cracked in anger. It always did when I spoke about the tumour. "The second round of chemo was worse. She became so weak that she couldn't get out of bed on her own. She couldn't walk more than a few steps at a time. She never wanted to eat. She just slept, a lot. I would crawl into bed with her at night and sleep with my head on her back just so I could hear her breathing. The doctors pulled her off the chemo when the tumour started growing again. Those were the worst words I've ever heard, _'there's nothing more we can do except keep her comfortable._' They took my hope. I believed with everything I had that she would beat that damn tumour, and in one sentence the fight was over and all hope was gone, and I had to accept what no child should ever have to accept." His arms curled around me as I started crying again, kissing my head and nestling his cheek into my hair as he held me and tried to still my trembling body.

"I'm so sorry Bella," he murmured softly, his tone brimming with my sorrow and pain.

"Do you know what it's like waiting for someone to die?" I asked quietly through my tears. "To sit there and wonder if each breath will be their last? Every other sentence I spoke to her was 'I love you.' I was so afraid she would die without knowing how much I loved her, without understanding how important she was to me and how lucky I felt that she was my Mom. Your mind is constantly going, running over every stupid thing you've ever said to them, every 'I hate you,' and 'you don't understand,' and 'you're mean.' And you hate yourself for being so fucking stupid that you let the little things steal your time. You don't get how precious and fragile life is until you're surrounded by death, and the regret is staggering when you realize that you can't get back the wasted opportunities and that there are things you will never get to do. It's impossible to grasp the full impact someone has on your life until you understand that the person isn't going to be there any longer. You don't realize all of the dreams you wished for that included that person. Your whole life flashes before you, filled with the holes created by their absence. You know that once they are gone nothing is ever going to be the same again. There's never any peace. You can't hold on to anything. You lose your hope, and your dreams, and your future, and there isn't a thing you can do to stop it. It's all totally out of your hands."

"You must have been so frightened." I could hear the upset in his voice, feel it in the way his fingers gripped the side of my body and in the tension in his arms as they held me tightly. I hated hurting him but I couldn't think of any other way to make him understand.

"I grew to hate time," I explained angrily, using my sleeves to defiantly dry my tears. "Each day dragged on as I watched her deteriorate, and a part of me started wishing for the end so she wouldn't have to suffer any longer, and I felt like hell for admitting that to myself. At the same time, I wanted more time. I prayed and begged anyone who would listen to make her better so she didn't have to leave me, and then I felt like shit for being selfish and wanting to extend her suffering just so I wouldn't have to let her go. I felt guilty for every emotion I showed in front of her. I didn't want her to feel responsible for what I was going through. It wasn't her fault that she got sick and I knew she was fighting with everything she had. It just wasn't enough."

"You get your braveness from your Mother," he whispered.

"Near the end she was pretty out of it. The doctors wanted to give her this drug called decadron to reduce the swelling in her brain created by the tumour. There was a chance that it might make her more lucid, but there were no guarantees. Charlie explained why they wanted to give it to her - so that she might have a chance to say goodbye. A couple of days on the drug and she was like my Mom again. It was a wonder to see her smiling and hear her laughing. We told her what was happening to her and she asked for one thing - to go home. She didn't want to be in the hospital any longer, so Charlie and I took her home. The effects of the decadron only lasted a few days but I got my Mom back for a precious moment and we were both able to say goodbye." The tears began again, and I tried to control the emotion but I couldn't. Instead of trying to hide it from him, I just let it take over and let him see what losing my Mom did to me. There was nothing else I could do but wait for the crying to stop.

"Shhhhhh," he soothed quietly with his lips against my ears. "I'm right here. I've got you."

"The day she died I was beside her, holding her hand. Her body was giving out - her heart rate was accelerated and her breathing was really shallow. She'd slipped into what they called a non-responsive state, sort of like a coma. Each time the nurse asked us to step out so she could check my Mom's stats, my Mom would let go a little bit further. It was like she didn't want us to watch her go." I gasped involuntarily as the weight of my thoughts took hold. "And then with one last big breath she was gone." Edward squeezed his arms around me softly, trying to comfort me and remind me he was there. "I barely remember the funeral. It all felt so surreal. I remember the smell of the flowers and the coldness of the funeral home and a sea of faces. For my Mom's sake I was the perfect daughter, gracefully accepting everyone's condolences even though I wanted to punch every person that told me she was in a better place. The only thing I knew was the she wasn't there and I wanted her there and she would never be there again."

"I know you still miss her very much," he murmured quietly, kissing the edge of my cheek, trying to make the hurting stop.

"Grief changes you. At first I just gave up, on everything and everyone, even myself. After a few weeks Charlie forced me to go back to school. I was a zombie. I struggled every day to get out of bed and to give a shit about anything. My life didn't make sense without her. It wasn't fair that she was gone. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I wanted someone to blame…and I was so angry I couldn't see straight. That's when I got into trouble at school. An asshole got in my face about what a bitch I was being and I lost it. Charlie made the decision to move me here to Forks after I was suspended. He thought if I was at home with all of the memories of my Mom around me that it would help the grieving process, but I was drowning in it. Besides, Charlie put his whole life here on hold when my Mom got sick. He had a right to get back to what was normal to him since it was clear I wasn't ever going to be normal again. I wished a million times to go back to normal, all the while knowing that the normal I wanted didn't exist without my Mom."

"You had to make a new normal, and that's so difficult." He understood what I was getting at. I rolled in his arms to face him. I needed to see his eyes to make sure he understood.

"And then I fell in love with you, and suddenly I wanted to get out of bed every day. I couldn't wait to get back to you each morning because for the first time since losing my Mom I felt like I belonged somewhere. _Something finally felt right._ Because of you I started living again. Things started to matter. _You mattered_. You gave me my life back. Can you understand not only how much I owe you for that, but how precious what we have is to me?"

"Of course I can. I feel the same way." We were on the same page. I could see the conviction in his eyes.

"I love you," I whispered, staring intensely into his eyes. "I can't lose you." I pressed my lips to his, willing the force of my emotions at him trying to make him understand. I kept waiting for him to respond to my kiss but he was holding back. I pulled away from his lips as the tears started again. "Did I lose you already, because of what I am? Because of what I can't handle?"

"You will never lose me," he whispered, his tone tinged with pain. "I…" he started, but I interrupted him.

"But I've upset you?" I asked, pushing the tears aside with the heel of my hand.

"No," he insisted. I could tell he was lying, just trying to reassure me. His eyes looked so lost.

"You didn't kiss me…"

"It's not that Bella, I…" He hesitated, looking for the right words.

"Please don't take you love away from me because I'm a coward. I'm trying, honestly. I just need some time." Again I pressed my lips to his, trying to figure out where he was in his head and bring him back to me. The gentle pressure of his lips was almost worse than no reaction at all, like a pity kiss. I pulled back from him, feeling foolish and gutless and tried one more time to explain myself. "I just can't fathom taking a risk that even has the potential to take you from me."

"I'm not going anywhere Bella," he whispered with a new determination. He leaned into my face and kissed my lips firmly, showing me his fearlessness.

"I just need some time to find my way," I whispered against his lips, letting them smother my words and control me, hoping he understood my struggle with the idea of losing him, and trusting him lead me in the right direction.

"I know," he murmured, kissing me again. I could feel his hand sliding up my back, pulling my body closer to his.

"I just need some time to believe," I pleaded, unable to keep from feeling selfish for asking for his patience. I pressed myself to his body, needing the contact like water in the desert. Even though his lips were decidedly and ardently engaged, I was still full of fear that he wouldn't understand my broken logic.

"I will show you," he murmured, his lips ghosting against mine as he whispered in a low tone that conveyed the confidence in his belief. When Edward wanted to be, he could be the most persuasive person I'd ever met and I needed his persuasion now, I needed a piece of the confidence that he seemed to exude so effortlessly. I kissed him back harder, driven by my fear and desperation, physically begging him for his understanding. The words weren't enough. My affection was the only thing I had to offer. He pulled back from me to whisper assuredly, "I know we're strong enough to withstand this." Part of me felt like he was still fighting my truth, fighting the reality of what losing my Mom had done to me. He couldn't believe I was strong after the weakness I'd shown tonight.

"It's not you, it's me. _This is all me_. My faith isn't like yours. I have faith in what I can reach out and touch. I have faith in _you_."

"And I have faith in you, and faith in us." He was so sure of himself, majestic and magnificent, my polar opposite. His leaned into me again and kissed me again with eager and giving lips. His tender touch told me everything his words explained and more. He wasn't letting me give up. He always had enough belief for both of us. I pushed my tongue out against his lips, wanting more of his assuredness. Being close to him made me want to believe in his faith and the possibility of surviving his secret. He didn't open his mouth for me. Instead he pulled back and stared into my eyes with an overwhelming intensity. "I will make you believe in us the way I believe."

Maybe there was a third choice. Maybe I didn't have to drown or tread water. Maybe Edward would be my lifeguard and save me from the ocean of misery I was drowning in. There wasn't anything I wanted more than to have faith. I echoed his words, half dare, half endeavour. "Make me believe."

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A/N:** I appreciate constructive criticism, but I ask that you make it constructive. I can respect that you might not like the contents of the chapter or the turn of events. I only ask that you render your complaints in a positive way if you're able.


	32. Connection

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a copy of Twilight, but nothing more than that.

I appreciate the heartfelt feedback on the last chapter. You guys are awesome! I think I've caught up on all the reviews. Go me! I was more behind than I realized so I'm pleased that I've caught up. We went over 700 reviews with the last chapter. Yay! **booty dance** Anything else I need to say? Oh yes, that pesky rating thing. Do you remember way back on December 9th when I gave this story an M rating, well I'm going to earn it this chapter.

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She'd cried so much I was amazed she could gather the focus to look at me with such emotion when she finally rolled over to face me. "I love you," she whispered, her eyes so tender and devoted. With everything she'd just shared with me there was no doubt in my mind how much I meant to her. "I can't lose you." Her voice was overflowing with fear. I knew I needed to tell her what I was so that I could fully explain that losing me was something she never had to be afraid of, but something just felt off. Instead of facing my fear of losing her, I was being ruled by it, still fighting speaking the truth. Her lips were tense and dire when she pressed them to mine and silenced the words I was struggling with. I froze. I didn't want to push her away in her already fragile state but the truth was like poison on my tongue, threatening to take me under if I didn't speak it. I vacillated for a few moments, trying to figure out how to pull away without hurting her, but before I could decide, she pulled away from me with fresh tears and I'd hurt her without meaning to. "Did I lose you already, because of what I am? Because of what I can't handle?"

"You will never lose me," I said quietly, trying to mask my anxiety. Again I tried to tell the truth, "I…" but Bella interrupted me.

"But I've upset you?" she rasped, scrubbing the tears that ran down her cheeks with her hands.

"No," I assured her, but I couldn't hide the fear in my voice as I willed the truth to come out.

"You didn't kiss me…" She looked incredibly hurt and entirely fragile and I knew I'd done the wrong thing in not kissing her back, and in not being honest. I felt so many conflicting emotions. My delay in telling her the truth would cause her more hurt when she finally learned it. The postponement was born innocently enough. I had to wait to tell her until I was sure I could trust her, but then my fear of losing her overcame my sense. I'd waited too long now. Surely she of all people could understand that it was fear of losing her that drove me to keep the secret as long as I had, couldn't she?

"It's not that Bella, I…" I was still caught up in finding the softest way to break the news to her, still resisting that there was no easy way to give her the truth, and the words wouldn't come.

"Please don't take you love away from me because I'm a coward. I'm trying, honestly. I just need some time." Something inside of me broke when her words hit my ears. I felt feeble and caddish to have allowed my behaviour to make her feel that way. I was ashamed of myself, but before I could speak she kissed me again, sweet and longingly. I fought with myself, knowing I should just stop kissing her and be truthful so that we might both find the relief we needed, but I couldn't risk hurting her again by pulling away. She was so vulnerable. I kissed her softly, trying to mirror the contact of her lips, but I had no doubt that if I knew I was holding back, she knew too. She pulled away from me and I could see the desperation in her beautiful eyes. "I just can't fathom taking a risk that even has the potential to take you from me."

In that moment I knew that I'd done everything wrong that day. In trying to break my nature to her gently, all I'd managed to do was awaken her fear of losing me and precipitate the horror of reliving the loss of her mother as her only way of showing me how important I was to her. She was controlled by her fear and understandably so. She'd been knocked down too many times along the way to believe that things could work out for her, and I understood the fear that drove her to ask for my patience. I couldn't deny her the time to deal with her fear over putting our relationship at risk even if I wanted to, and I didn't want to. I risked losing her whether I told her my secret or not. There was nothing that was easy about the entire situation save for one thing, giving Bella some time to believe in herself.

"I'm not going anywhere Bella," I promised. I wanted her to know that this was under her control now. When she wanted to know the truth, I would tell her. If she wanted to live in ignorance, then I would live with that too. I was selfish in many ways, but for her emotional well-being, I could be selfless. I would risk my happiness to spare her more despair. I would not be the one to drive her back into the darkness of loss.

I leaned in and kissed her decidedly, trying to show her the change in my resolution without giving her the words themselves. I loved her. I wanted her to feel that love.

"I just need some time to find my way." Her emotional plea was ghosted against my lips in the most vulnerable voice. She didn't believe that I would give her the time she wanted. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her more deeply to convey that she had her time, as much or as little as she required, and to reaffirm that I wasn't going anywhere, that I was right beside her where I wanted to be, where I would always be as long as she allowed it.

"I know," I mumbled, barely removing my lips from her mouth. My anxiety had transformed to urgency as I tried to show her that I understood what she was trying to explain and that she didn't need to be afraid any longer. I pulled her body to mine, although I was no longer sure if I did it for her or myself. I only knew that I needed the connection to her to abate the growing desperation.

"I just need some time to believe," she entreated, pressing her body into mine. Instead of relief, the contact made me feel more emotional. It was becoming more difficult to break the connection of our lips whenever one of us pulled back to speak. Her kiss was like my oxygen and I needed her to breathe.

"I will show you," I insisted, before her lips came back at mine. Her kiss was driven and intense. I pulled back reluctantly to finish my thought. "I know we're strong enough to withstand this."

"It's not you, it's me. _This is all me_. My faith isn't like yours. I have faith in what I can reach out and touch. I have faith in _you_."

"And I have faith in you, and faith in us." My lips went to hers again. I couldn't stay away from her. I wanted so badly to give her the faith she lacked, to show her that our love was strong. I felt her tongue flicking along my lips and pulled back from her one last time. "I _will_ make you believe in us the way I believe."

"Make me believe." Her soft plea took me under, hitting my brain and setting me off in a hundred ways. I could make her believe. I could show her my love, really show it to her, and not hold back, and let her feel every bit of emotion and connection she brought out in me. I loved her more than enough to try and make her believe.

I pressed my mouth to hers, taking the contact I was aching for and using the urgency I was drowning in to focus my emotions. Instead of suppressing the sensuality of her kiss, I revelled in it, taking her bottom lip into my mouth and sucking on it gently. Instead of deferring or resisting the delectation, I let myself enjoy the softness and suppleness of her lips, so unlike my own, so yielding and feminine. She held a power of me, even with something as simplistic as a kiss. There was something in me that she could call and command and I would always let her. I didn't care if she held sway over me. I only wanted to please her.

I pushed my tongue between her lips, wordlessly pleading to deepen the kiss. She opened her mouth and plunged her tongue out to meet mine, pressing against it with passion and indulgence. Her intensity took my breath away and procured my hope that my emotions were getting through to her. I moaned softly against her perfect pink lips, completely enchanted by her response. She was right there in the moment with me, not lost in her head, but feeling every thing I was feeling, and sharing in the connection.

I tightened my grip on her body, feeling the delicate curve of her waist beneath my fingertips and her hipbone under my palm. My hand slid along it, unconsciously searching out her skin. I was already ahead of myself but I couldn't deny that I wanted more. I didn't feel the normal inhibition or the need to pull back. My fingers played in the fabric, looking for the hem of her shirt, and when the nap and texture of the fibres finally registered, I froze. She wasn't clothed; she was in her peignoir. I had been so caught up in worry when I entered her room; my only thought was of her well-being. I'd heard the shower. I knew she was in there. I'd seen her come out with damp hair wearing the robe, but it wasn't until the moment when I felt her beneath my fingertips that I realized there was a high likelihood that underneath her peignoir she wore nothing at all. I groaned uncontrollably. My mind flooded with images I'd only dreamed of, and heightened my arousal.

I pulled back from her mouth, trailing kisses along her jawbone and down past her ear. With my nose tucked into her neck her scent was, for the briefest of moments, overwhelmingly tempting despite feeling in complete control of myself. I must have hit a sensitive spot on her neck with my kiss because Bella pushed her body further into mine and brought her tiny hand up to my hair. It was all the contact I needed, just one simple caress of the back of my head, to refocus me on loving her. Whether she understood it or believed it, she knew my desires as if she could read my mind. It only made me appreciate further how perfectly matched we were.

I nudged the collar of her robe with my nose and buried my lips in the bare skin I exposed. A thrill ran through me when my lips contacted her collarbone and she raised her body off the bed towards me offering me better access. I'd scarcely even seen that part of her. I had no idea how entirely erogenous that area was for her and every little sound and movement she made as I kissed her there enamoured me further. I always knew she was susceptible to my physical touch but it was still a wonder to see it unfold before my eyes in such a powerful and determinate way.

I let one hand wander up from her waist, caressing her back and curling it around her shoulder softly. It was no surprise to me that I wanted more. I always wanted more. My fingers grasped at the fabric in a less than subtle manner, finessing it aside until her shoulder was bare. The feeling of her soft skin against my palm eclipsed the other times I'd touched it. It was like nothing else I'd ever felt. The luxury of being able to kiss and smell and see her radiant skin, as well as touch it, was overwhelming. I covered every exposed inch in kisses, using my tongue to taste her salty skin and my fingers to stroke its flawless beauty.

With my inhibitions shed, I didn't hesitate to slide my hand under the collar of her robe on the other side of her body, easing the material away as I watched her skin appear with covetous eyes. I'd never seen such alluring perfection as she lay with closed eyes, bare shoulders, and her head tipped slightly back. I thoroughly explored the newly exposed flesh, kissing a path along her exquisite collarbone and being rewarded with a deeper connection between our bodies as she pressed her breasts into my chest, as if the kisses weren't enough of a reward on their own. I kissed and licked and sucked as much of her shoulder as I could without seeming gluttonous. I couldn't get enough of her.

I cautiously dropped my lips lower, away from her collarbone, down to the hollow at the base of her neck. I could sense her pulse so strongly there. It was a reminder to me of how precious and fragile she was. I'm sure she didn't understand why I spent more time kissing her there than would have seemed normal. It was merely to keep me focused on her, on what I was there to show her and how important it was that I stay in control of myself. It was far too easy to injure her with my strength if I wasn't careful every moment I touched her.

As my lips strayed lower, the gravity of what I was about to do hit me and I slowed my actions, kissing her skin tenderly a couple of times before pulling myself back to look at her. Her eyes were intense and questioning as they stared into mine. I let my hand drift down her body unhurriedly, and come to rest on the belt of her robe. I wasn't really asking permission. I knew she'd grant it. I knew she wanted it. It was merely my instincts that fed my actions. I wanted to be respectful. I didn't want to make assumptions. I wanted to offer her a chance to turn back before I took things farther than I'd ever imagined they would go that night. I didn't know what I could say that wouldn't interrupt the natural and comfortable flow of the events that were unfolding, so I used my eyes and waited for her to react. She pushed herself off the pillows and kissed me softly, and then covered my hand with her own, pulling it gently and dragging the tie along with it until the bow was undone. She released my hand and lay back on the pillows, placing her trust in me to continue. I felt a strange mix of emotions, honour and trust and awe and guilt. I wasn't sure I deserved her trust at all and it wasn't without reservations that I would move forward. I reminded myself that I was doing things her way, and for her, because it was the only way she could cope. I felt no guilt in giving her my love, only in the deceit of its delivery.

I felt suddenly unsure of myself. I knew what I wanted but I wasn't certain what she might like. This was new for both of us. I decided to move slowly, again providing her with an out if she wanted it. My voice was quiet when I spoke. "If I do anything you don't like or don't want, tell me to stop. I'm as new to this as you are." She nodded her agreement, meeting my eyes with confidence and love. I moved one finger to her neck and slowly drew a line down from her throat to the valley of her breasts, pulling her robe slightly more open as I went. Her skin called to me and I felt my hand twitch in response to the thought. I yearned to hold her. I wasn't at all sure I would survive this night in one piece. What I did know was that I wouldn't be the same man when it was done.

"Wait," she murmured, sitting up suddenly and reaching for me. I sat myself up beside her.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, worried. Her hands moved to my shirt and I watched as her tiny fingers unbuttoned it with deliberation. She knew what she wanted. Her perception was so keen that she probably even knew that I wanted it. I felt a rush at the thought of being pressed skin to skin with her and I willed my control to stay in place. _One step at a time_. I was feeling so many things, both physically and emotionally, and it was amazingly difficult to stay focused. I was constantly refocusing to ensure her safety and direct my control. She had the power to sweep me away with a single caress.

With my shirt undone, her small fingers came out to stroke my chest. I gathered her hand in mine and kissed it softly, smiling at her. This was my pursuit and I didn't want her to try and alter my course. She subtly slipped her hand from mine and slid it under my shirt, leisurely persuading the fabric back off my shoulders. I wished I could vocalize how incredibly alive she made my inanimate skin feel as her tiny hand moved along my body and her fingers pressed against me, transferring all of their warmth and intensity. When I shifted to finish removing my shirt, her hand came out to still me.

"Let me," she requested softly. I turned my back to her and felt her gently tug the shirt from my arms. She laid it carefully aside and then settled back on the pillows. The peacefulness of her expression made her all the more beautiful.

I positioned my body beside hers again, feeling anxious and fighting the urge to rush my efforts. There was no need to, but desire held a wielding domination. With my upper body exposed, the longing to feel her skin against mine made me ache. I leaned into her body slowly, subjugated by her pull, and let my lips skim along her skin, starting at the base of her neck and meandering slowly downwards. As I reached the centre of her breasts, her back arched off the bed towards me and spurred my excitement. She couldn't know what she was doing to me simply by reacting to my touch. I was incredibly turned on by her sexiness.

The delicate fragrance of her skin was intoxicating, a subdued version of the sweetness I tasted on my tongue when I kissed her. I pressed my lips firmly to the exposed skin between her breasts, inhaling her scent and letting it take over my senses for a moment. Fully appreciating the allurement I had in front of me was the only way I could delay my yearning to undress her further. My deferment didn't last long. My hand strayed down her body, searching out the tie of her robe. I dug my fingers under the belt and slackened the tension of the remaining knot. Even pulling the tie to release the knot was erotic. I knew what treasures lay beneath it and I could not refuse the temptation any longer.

I let the tie drop ceremoniously from my hand. I only needed to reach out and push the fabric aside to reveal all of her sublime delicacy to my eyes. I took a moment to anticipate and luxuriate in what I was about to do. No fantasy I'd ever indulged in would come close to what lay beneath my fingertips.

Out of respect for Bella, I wanted to afford her some sense of modesty rather than leave her feeling entirely and suddenly exposed. My hand moved between our bodies, brushing along the bare skin I'd just kissed and drifting underneath the edge of her robe. I advanced my hand slowly, the heat of her skin igniting my desire even further. I could feel the rise of her breast begin under my fingertips as they swept slowly across her body. Her skin was even smoother and softer than I had imagined, like silk against my hand. Her body tensed slightly when I grazed her nipple and a tiny whimper left her parted lips. I stilled my hand and lowered it delicately, dropping my palm onto her breast and cupping it tenderly. There was some inherent sexual instinct driving me, curiosity mixed with awe and voluptuousness. I couldn't put words to the rush that went through me at the feel of her breast in my hand - giddy and out of control and driven and sexually stimulated. I squeezed it gently, spurred by the rush and the muffled squeak that emanated from Bella's throat exhilarated me further. She was as taken by the feel of her body in my hands as I was and the impulse to cover her breast with my lips took fruition.

I pushed the fabric aside artlessly, kissing her skin as my mouth moved across her breast. She tasted like heaven on my tongue – sweet and salty all at once. Bella urged me on, lifting her body towards me and knitting her fingers into my hair. I flicked my tongue across her nipple, groaning softly when it reached the hardened peak. I loved that her body reacted to my efforts in undeniably similar ways to how I was feeling. All I cared was that she was enjoying herself. Any pleasure I felt in response to loving her was simply a fortuitous bonus.

My hand gravitated to the other side of her body, my mind already pushing forward. I wasn't hesitant or slow in the way I opened that side of her robe and exposed the rest of her upper body. I was anxious and enlivened and consumed with the inclination of doting on every inch of her skin. I pulled back from her to take in her beauty. I couldn't bring myself to care that I was being obvious or objectifying her body. I'd never been so close or seen anything so sexy and beautiful. I knew she would forgive me given my inexperience, and her eyes were closed so I knew I wouldn't embarrass her. The vision of naked upper body was not only the most sensuous thing I'd ever set my eyes on, but also the most stimulating. It absolutely subverted my careful control.

I pushed my body towards hers, pulling her roughly against me as my mouth hastened her nipple. I took it fully between my lips and felt it peak against my tongue. Her body's reaction to my touch did nothing to help me gather my control and everything to push me further over the edge. I wasn't helping the matter of my control as I returned my tongue to her peaked flesh and taunted it further, flicking and pressing against it in defiantly, trying to coax a greater reaction from her. I wanted to feel her letting go and fully enjoying the pleasure of my efforts. Her hands strained in response, one pulling my hair and the other fisting the sheets. I stifled the chuckle that threatened. Even in the middle of my erotic pursuits it didn't escape me that I was still enjoying pushing her buttons.

I continued to work her nipple, enjoying the way her body tensed against me and feeling the tiniest bit smug about the control it bestowed on me. I doubted there were many ways I would ever control Bella, nor did I really want to, but it was gratifying to know that she was at my will sexually. It spoke volumes about her trust for me.

I loosened my grip on her body and let my fingertips caress her skin, taking pleasure from the satiny surface while my hand unconsciously floated lower down her body. My fingers hovered at the edge of her robe while I warred with myself, knowing I would indulge my desire and hers, but trying to be respectful and garner some amount of gentlemanly behaviour. I was contemptibly inadequate with my control. The heat of her covered skin made my fingers twitch in anticipation and triggered my capitulation. I slipped my hand under the fabric and pushed it aside carelessly, letting my fingers dance across the warmth of her belly, amble along her hip and down her thigh, and then back up again. She pressed her hip into my hand and I felt her hipbone in my palm. The action was carnal and erotic and divine.

I didn't try to suppress my urge to explore her body further. I knew it would be fruitless. Everything I'd ever dreamed of loving was a breath away from my fingertips and even in the throes of my most solid control I knew that I could not fight my desire to touch her. I grasped her hipbone and let it dig into my palm, enjoying the way it channelled the intensity of my ardency for her. My fingers pressed against her flesh, kneading her skin and trying to convey the depth of my passion and desire for her. Again she pressed her hip to my hand and I lost my grip on my need. I dropped my hand from her hip and slid it along her thigh, hesitating for a moment while I tried to half-heartedly talk myself out of what I wanted. It was pointless. She was a force that I could not adequately resist. My hand smoothed along her skin, moving ever lower until I felt her knee in my palm. I hooked my fingers around the back of her leg, forcing it to bend at the knee, and dragged it up my body. I propped it up and let it rest against my hip and took what I needed, my fingers sliding along the back of her thigh until I fully covered her buttocks with my hand. She whimpered. I moaned and squeezed the irresistible flesh in my fingers. She angled her body more towards mine, pushing herself off the bed and pulling my head to hers. Her lips crashed down on my mouth, her tongue relentless against mine. Her urgency and intensity was unparalleled.

I waited for the intensity to wear itself out, trying to reign in my control once again. Her pull was so strong and my attempt to slow things down was thwarted by Bella herself. She kept her lips pressed to mine, pushing me back as she raised herself further off the bed and awkwardly shrugged her robe off. She must have sensed my desire or instinctively knew her own, but the miniscule gains I'd garnered in my control dissolved. Both of my arms encircled her naked body and I pulled her against my chest. Our moans echoed off the walls as our skin made contact. I couldn't get her close enough or feel too much of her against me. The bliss was nonpareil, natural and boundless and fundamentally fulfilling.

Her tiny fingers dug into my back and her lips left mine as she moved to explore my neck as I had explored hers. I let my head drop back and gave her all the leeway she desired to take what she needed from me. Her lips were adamant and meticulous and her tongue followed with the same attention to detail. She was giving and loving and seductive. I couldn't tell if I had relinquished my power or she had taken it. Either way she held all the control.

Every time our bodies came together I could feel the strength of our connection building, more than need or desire, it was a coupling of our souls. She was every bit as good at showing me her love with her body as she was at showing me her feelings with the way she looked at me. Whether her hands were digging into my back or softly gliding across my skin I could feel every bit of emotion that she was feeling, far beyond what could be expressed in words. There wasn't a part of me that she didn't bewitch and control.

My hands swept over her back, dancing over her skin and pulling her to me desperately. She leaned into my neck to kiss behind my ear and her hair fell forward, cascading along my shoulder in silken chestnut waves. It ignited me. My hands rushed to the back of her head, and I shoved them carelessly into her hair, angling her head up towards mine and assaulting her lips with my own. She had the gravitational field of a black hole and I could not escape her pull. I'd never wanted to give in to something so badly in my life, not even my bloodlust on the day I'd met her. What she was bringing out in me was something I didn't even know was within me, something I thought my transformation had robbed me of, something that doesn't exist until the seeds of love are cultivated and nurtured by the only person capable of truly loving you.

I struggled to re-centre myself, trying to direct and control my desire with Bella's pleasure in mind. My wishing for Bella's submission so that she might fully enjoy my efforts was short sighted. I hadn't factored in what her abandon might do to me. I reminded myself that I was here to make her believe in our strength, not to take what she would willingly give, and that helped me to channel my intemperance. I eased her body back onto the mattress, letting her head drop softly onto the pillows and settle comfortably into them. I tried unsuccessfully to slow us down, kissing her swollen lips gently and sweetly for a moment, but she still pressed hers against mine desirously.

I disentangled one arm from around her body, tickling her skin with my fingertips as I let my hand glide down her body and along her leg that still rested on my hip. My hands dwarfed her tiny features and the diminutive size of her body further turned me on. I ran my hand the entire length of her leg, stroking her thigh and fanning my fingers out along its smooth surface. I could feel every contour of her flesh under my palm. My fingers stretched around the back of her knee and cupped it, pulling it into my body, and the action robbed me of my focus and made me feel covetous of her body. It was difficult to shake the feeling when she was mine in almost every sense of the word. Would it be wrong to make her mine, to give her what she wanted when it was truly what I desired too, even though I did not feel free to give it? This whole exercise was for her benefit, and what better thing could I give her than her heart's desire? More than anything I wanted to give her what she wanted, but it had to be in a way that was comfortable for me.

I pulled back from her lips, needing to divert my focus away from the way she was making me feel. It was far too easy to get lost in her touch. I nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck and worked at kissing her shoulders and collarbone. It was easier to control myself when she was lost in the sensations my lips and tongue created rather than trying to make me feel pleasured. She had already given me more pleasure than I deserved.

I gently removed her leg from my hip, pushing her knee away from my body and easing her legs open and back on to the bed. My fingers knew their path, inching along her belly slowly and guardedly, anxious and hesitant at the same time. I tried to be extra gentle as I caressed her skin, dropping my hand lower and lower. The downy hair under my fingertips was the last barrier between me and what I intended to do, and I fingered it tentatively. After one last hesitation, I eased my fingers gently between her legs and heard a sharp intake of breath when they slipped into the wetness of her folds. The whimper that left Bella's lips and the way her hips bucked at my hand took me under. I stopped breathing, overcome by my own desires as all the stimuli bombarded my senses at once.

I tried to block everything else out and only focus on the movement of my hand and planting my lips on her skin tenderly to urge her on. Try as I may, I could not block out the way her heartbeat sped or the echo of her breathy pants so close to my ear. I could not rid my nose of the delicious scent that emanated from her or remove the taste of her salty sweet skin from my tongue. I couldn't ignore the heat of her skin against my own or the friction between our bodies as she rose off the bed to meet my hand. But I could deal with all of those things, compartmentalize them and subdue them and if I didn't spend more than a moment thinking about any one of them singularly, then they didn't subjugate me. What I couldn't evade was the tactility of her wetness on my fingers as they caressed her. It made me so thoroughly aroused it was painful.

I moved my mouth to her breast, flicking my tongue out roughly against her nipple just to make her moan. I needed something, no anything to catch my attention and prevent me from concentrating on the delicate moisture that imbued my fingers and kept them gliding slickly along her centre. Bella's hips were coming off the bed with every movement of my hand, and she began to press her body into mine. Naively I thought it was a reaction to my deeds, but I could sense her frustration building. I felt foolish when I realized she needed more from me, that she'd been unconsciously searching out more friction or movement from my hand. I'd been too focused on abstracting my surroundings from my mind and I needed to change my approach. There was no point to touching her if I wasn't going to give her what she wanted.

Instead of trying to ignore my senses, I centralized them and used them to measure Bella's reactions to my touch. I concentrated on the little changes in her pulse and breathing, and looked for changes in the frenzy of her movements. I stilled my lips, kissing her skin softly only now and again to encourage and comfort her and let her know I was there with her, experiencing everything she was experiencing. She continued to lift her hips off the bed each time my hand moved but began to tilt them up towards my body, forcing my hand further between her legs. I could feel every bit of her on my fingertips and without really considering whether or not I had permission, I slipped a finger inside of her body. The moan that left her lips was the sexiest sound I'd ever heard.

I moved my finger in and out of her slowly, sure of her enjoyment by the way she pressed against my hand. I did my best to increase the friction, using my thumb to stimulate her further while continuing the movement in and out of her body. When the little squeaks and whimpers that were a common occurrence quieted, I began to worry I was doing something wrong. Her tiny fingers remained tangled in my hair but were still now, rather than fisting my hair as they had prior. I looked at her face. She seemed tense and absorbed and I was unsure if it was a good or bad thing. I watched her countenance for changes, continuing to coax her reaction with my fingers. Her parted lips held my attention. She was panting quite heavily, but even in her introversion she was fiercely beautiful, every bit the dark angel I fell in love with.

From the corner of my eye I saw Bella's hand fist the sheet. Instinctively, I quickened the pace of my hand, pumping it in and out of her with a heightened intensity, pressing and rubbing my thumb into her sensitive flesh. Her silence continued; no verbal response left her perfect lips. I was parlaying the outcome of my efforts on the stirring of her hips that franticly pressed against my hand rather than the lack of verbiage, and if my estimations were right, she was on the verge of climax.

I leaned into her body, skimming my lips along her neck and up to her ear and whispered, "I love you," letting my breath hit her ear and push her over. Her hand reached out for me, grasping carelessly at my skin and her body went rigid, her back arching off the bed and into me and my hand, searching out any surface to still itself against while she went under. Her head tipped back and she whimpered softly, over and over again, as she tensed and fought and gave in and came undone in my arms. I just held her tightly and studied the power and beauty of her reaction, falling further in love with her each second.

I waited for her body to quiet and relax, kissing her hair and breathing her in, perfectly content. If I was being honest I was feeling a tiny bit smug as well, having just delivered my first orgasm. My inexperience didn't even seem to affect the intensity of it and that pleased me. It was just more proof to me that Bella and I were made for one another, capable of reading and pleasing one another even in verdancy. I was studying her face when she finally opened her eyes and I smiled softly at her. "Do you believe?" I wondered quietly.

"Not yet," she replied, smiling impishly, "but I'm open to more convincing."


	33. Conflicted

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

More earning of the story rating in this chapter. *shrugs* I make no apologies. This chapter has always been there in my plan/mind from the very beginning. My only hope was to do it justice, so I hope I accomplished that.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I appreciated the feedback. I think maybe I left some of you speechless :op

**From Bella's POV**...

* * *

He wrapped his free arm around my waist and pulled me to his body with a light melodic laugh that made my toes tingle. I was craving the comfort of his arms as a way to extend the rapture of what he'd just done to my body so I turned in his arms and pressed my back to his chest. Maximum skin-to-skin contact. I sighed happily; ignoring the urge to figure out how that just happened and instead letting the waves of euphoria continue to wash over me. Edward seemed to understand what I wanted or he was happy enough to have my skin against his. He nuzzled his chin into the crook of my neck and whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too," I murmured contentedly.

"Did it help at all with your faith?" he asked thoughtfully, picking up a piece of my hair, twirling it around his finger circumspectly. "Did you feel my love for you?"

"I felt a hell of a lot more than that," I joked.

"Don't make light of it," he appealed in a quiet voice. "I was being truthful when I said I would make you believe in the strength of our love. Obviously there's more to our connection than physical love, but do you think I could make you feel that good if there wasn't a strong and enduring bond between us?"

I could feel the tingling in my cheeks starting as soon as he began to speak, softly emphatic and decidedly sure. Only I could manage to blush at the notion of what Edward was capable of making me feel. Lying there naked beside him didn't make me blush, having had him stroke me into orgasm didn't make me blush, but thinking about Edward knowing that he could make me climax made me blush. I was seriously broken.

"Why are you blushing?" he wondered, kissing my cheek softly.

"I guess I'm just finally comprehending what happened," I answered honestly.

"Did you enjoy it?" he whispered against my ear, squeezing me lovingly with the arm he had wrapped around me. I wasn't sure if he meant it rhetorically. I mean, he gave me a freaking orgasm. I'm pretty sure that was an unequivocal sign that I enjoyed myself.

"Yes," I informed him in quiet voice. As silly as the question seemed to me, I knew it would hurt his feelings if I didn't answer him, and considering he did it all for me, I owed it to him to be as honest and reassuring as he needed me to be. I shivered, coming down from my post-orgasm high. Between my lack of clothing and Edward's cool skin, the room suddenly seemed freezing.

"Are you cold?" he asked worriedly, reaching for the comforter and tucking it around me. It bothered me that he pushed it between his body and mine, and it made me worried that he didn't like being close to me like that. I twisted my hips, unsubtly pulling the covers away from my back and flipping them over the both of us. With the comforter gone, I spooned my body into his and removed all space between the two of us. In my innocent search for the comfort of our physical connection, I inadvertently pressed my ass so tightly to his hips that I was able to feel every bit of his erection against my bare skin. Edward shifted away from me minutely, bending his knees and tucking them into mine to disguise the displacement of his hips, but I wasn't fooled. I knew he was trying to be a gentleman and I bet he was hoping that I hadn't realized what was happening. He knew me better than that.

In truth, I felt like a bit of an idiot for not trying to touch him somewhere in the middle of everything he did to me. I had kissed his neck and shoulders but I never actually put my hands on him intimately. I felt even worse when I realized I didn't know that one spot to touch him that would drive him nuts, some tiny little unsuspecting area that would make him let go of his control if I touched him there. I should know where that was, or at least have investigated trying to find it. Once he started touching me I became a bundle of hormones and nerves with tunnel vision. I don't think I would have continued to breathe if it weren't an automatic response. There wasn't much of my body that I had control of when Edward was touching me.

It was partly shock too - shock that there was a secret that existed that had the potential to tear us apart, shock to find him waiting in my bedroom, shock that he asked to untie my robe and was going to touch my body. I would like to say it was shock when his lips hit my bare skin but it wasn't. It was erotic and blissful and such a fucking turn on. My brain stopped working. One second I was this crying mess of an incapable person, spilling my guts about my Mom and begging for his patience while I tried to work out the clusterfuck of fear I've become, and the next minute Edward was giving me something I'd only dreamed of, and with such intensity and ardour that it overwhelmed me, and not a bad kind of overwhelm, but the sweetest, most intense and focused out of control overwhelm I'd ever experienced. It was like being delivered to heaven's gate on a cloud.

I needed to return some of what he'd given me, not just because I wanted to touch him or because he deserved to feel some of the pleasure he'd given me, but because I wanted him to feel my love the same way he wanted me to feel his. I knew I would always be better at showing him how I felt than I would ever be at speaking my feelings. The words just never seemed like enough, not for someone as remarkable and exceptional as Edward. Maybe he wouldn't let me touch him, or maybe he wouldn't want me to touch him, but I had to try.

"No, I'm not really cold," I pointed out. "It's more me coming back down to Earth after what you just did to me." I flattened my back and pressed it against his chest, shifting my hips slightly forward and away from him.

"You should let me cover you up. You'll get cold against my skin." I heard the sincerity in his tone and I knew he was only concerned with my comfort, but it was still hard not to feel hurt. The last thing I wanted was to be separated from him.

"I'd rather be cold and touching you, than warm and without your touch," I whispered, unable to keep the emotion out of my voice. I knew the emotion was sincere, born of his love and generosity, but it still felt foreign somehow. I'd spent so much time pushing everyone away. Now that I'd let him into my heart, he seemed to call out the emotion I'd been repressing all of these months, even though I knew that wasn't the case. It was just his love, capable of amazing feats, like bringing down the walls of an angry young woman and teaching her to love again. I let my hand drift up languidly, trying to appear casual, and laid it on his hip.

"I hate that I can't offer you warmth," he whispered wistfully. I didn't want him to worry or focus on anything negative.

"What you offer me is so much more important than warmth. Besides, in the summertime you'll be like my own personal air conditioner." I fanned my fingers out, stretching them downwards, and caressed his thigh.

"I like the idea of spending the summer with you," he admitted. "And if I can cool you down then all the better."

"But for now you can just hold me, okay? I don't want anything to come between us, not even something as insignificant as a blanket. Unless…unless you're saying that you don't want to be close to me…that you don't like the feeling of my skin next to yours?" I felt a bit guilty for searching out his reassurance, but only a tiny amount. I was new to all of this, and I never promised that I was confident.

"Bella," he scolded softly, "do you really doubt that I'm enjoying being close to you this way?"

"Not really…maybe…it's just that when I pressed myself into your body, you pulled away."

"I didn't pull away Love. I simply tried to shield you from the coolness of my skin."

"I don't want to be shielded from it. I like your cool skin. I like all of you," I explained in a quiet voice, sliding my hand off his thigh and purposely grazing the erection he was trying so hard to hide from me. I expected some reaction from him but got none. I made another pass, pressing my hand more firmly against his zipper, and felt him twitch beneath my palm. Even though the reaction was a reflex, I felt the tiniest bit victorious in making him feel something, since I was pretty sure he was doing his best to purposely not react to what I was doing. On one hand, no reaction made sense if he was trying to dissuade me, but it could also mean he didn't know what the appropriate response was, that it felt so good that he didn't want to do or say anything that might make me stop. I felt so clueless, but I didn't let it curb my enthusiasm. I stroked him again, purposely curving my hand around him and dragging my palm along him. I didn't understand how he could repress his reaction when I was getting turned on by the simple act of touching him, enjoying the feeling of him hard under my hand, knowing he was aroused.

"Bella," he whispered, "what do you think you're doing?"

"What?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"Nice try," he chuckled, calling me on my act.

"I'm not allowed to return the favour?"

"I don't need you to return the favour," he informed me flatly. I could sense his reluctance, but I was sure it wasn't because he didn't want me to touch him, more that he didn't want to force me into anything or ask something of me that I didn't want to do. He was a gentleman after all.

"I _want_ to," I informed him, pushing my index finger against the fly of his jeans and fumbling with his zipper, working to undo it with my fingertip. Once I finally had it opened enough, I pushed my hand in through the opening and curled my fingers around him again. Through the thin fabric of his boxers I could feel him in even more detail and whimpered softly. I began rationalizing in my head, equating what he'd done to me with what he might like to have done to him to justify my own arousal, wishing he'd give me the tiniest bit of encouragement so I didn't feel like such a pervert.

"Bella," he warned quietly. I continued to stroke him with a delicate pressure, ignoring his complaints because I wanted him to feel the pleasure of being loved too. No matter what I was feeling, this was about him and showing him that I loved him as much as he loved me. I heard him exhale forcibly, and felt the rush of air against my ear as it left his mouth. I was petrified that it was done in anger or irritation but continued to move my hand slowly up and down him, warring with myself about what it meant. Finally, when I couldn't stand it any longer, I rolled over to face him, holding my breath and ready to defend my actions, expecting to find him angry. Instead of anger, his face was relaxed and his eyes were closed. When he opened his eyes to look at me all I saw was lust. "Bella, we can't do this," he told me in a strangled whisper. Sadness rang from his tone in a tangibly painful way.

"Why Edward? Why can't we do this?" I forced the words out in a quiet, controlled voice, trying to sound confident and mask the fear that was taking over inside of me. I couldn't comprehend how he could love me so fully and not want me to touch him too, how he wouldn't want me to give him my love or at least return the love he gave to me.

"I don't feel right doing this," he admitted, his voice raw and emotional. I searched his eyes for some hint of explanation but there was nothing telling to help me understand his words.

"You don't feel right?" I questioned, trying with everything in me not to get angry. "Am I doing something wrong? Or is it that you just don't want me to touch you like this?" I was sure I sounded defensive, and even though I was probably overreacting, I didn't know how to take his statement. Regardless of what he said, he couldn't make me believe that I was doing something wrong. His body was enjoying what I was doing; I could feel the results underneath my fingertips. The idea of him not wanting my touch was much more frightening to me.

"Bella, don't be absurd. This has nothing to do with you." I swallowed hard. It was easy to feel that way when he wasn't the one being rejected.

"Then why are you trying to push me away?" I demanded, trying to disengage my emotions from my brain, fighting hard against my instinct to shut down and pull away.

"I'm not trying to push you away; simply slow things down."

"Why?" My mind was screaming at me to calm down. I needed to understand why he didn't want me to touch him.

"Because I don't want any secrets between us, and I know you're not ready to talk about that yet."

"Careful Edward, that sounds dangerously like blackmail." My accusation was a low blow, but I didn't believe him. It was more than the secret that was holding him back. If the secret were the most important thing to him then he wouldn't have touched me. Something else was driving his apprehension, and it was incredibly hard to not take his rejection personally.

"You know I mean no such thing. Be reasonable Bella. I simply want complete honesty between us before we come together like that." His irritatingly male ability to be logical and unemotional at the worst times was heartbreaking. I could feel the panic taking over, the rejection and unworthiness digging their heels in.

"So you don't want me to touch you?" I croaked softly, choking on the emotion I was trying so hard to keep inside.

"Bella," he cooed, pulling my chin up and forcing me to look at him. "Of course I want you to touch me. There's nothing I want more. You can see what you've done to me, what simply being next to you has done, even before you laid your hands on me."

"I don't understand Edward," I revealed, feeling even more confused as I tried to assemble his words into a coherent thought, still fighting to contain my emotions. "You like what I'm doing to you, but you don't want me to do it because of the secret that stands between us that you are sure we are strong enough to survive?" I saw the hurt in his eyes instantly and I regretted saying anything. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "Just forget it okay? I can see your point. I'm just overreacting. It feels like you're pushing me away or rejecting me or whatever." I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. "I know you're not, or that's not what you're trying to do. It's just my fucked up heart that's got it all wrong."

"Don't say that," he pleaded. "You have as much right to feel the way you do as I have to my own feelings. And I can see how my words are confusing to you. Perhaps I took advantage of the situation, having you in my arms and being able to show you how much I love you, but I wanted to share my faith with you."

"You didn't take advantage Edward. I want to be with you," I insisted. "You keep talking about how much faith you have in us, but if you truly believe that we can't be touched by anything then why are you resisting something we both want? It's okay to admit you're scared. I'm scared too." I hated to question his faith. It felt like I was defiling scared ground.

"I'm not scared Bella. I know I can't control whether or not this secret changes your feelings about me, but nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. Long after you're gone, I'll still be loving you." His statement sent my mind reeling.

"It sounds like you're expecting that I'm going to leave?" I accused, poorly masking my hurt.

"Not at all," he corrected, "but I can't explain it any further now."

"The secret," I declared, rolling my eyes and pressing my lips together, trying to reign in my irritation. "What is this really about Edward? What I think I can't handle, or something you've decided is going to happen once you tell me? You want to be with me but you're resisting because of some perceived reaction on my part? You're holding back because I don't have enough faith?"

"No," he insisted, frustrated. "This is solely out of courtesy for your feelings and has nothing to do with whether or not I want to be with you." Something in his words put everything into perspective for me.

"So you think because I'm afraid of losing you that I would somehow regret being with you after the fact?" I asked softly. My heart ached when I said the words. I was a lot of things – stubborn, sarcastic, impatient, – but there was no part of me that would ever regret loving Edward. I would regret not being good enough to keep him, I would regret fucking up and losing him, but I would never regret loving him.

"You might," he confessed, "but only because it's a horrible thing." He sighed again, his brow furrowed and creased. As soon as his words registered in my brain, the tears I'd been holding back began to fall. I couldn't help it. I was an emotional melting pot. I felt rejected and confused, frustrated and scared, and just to add insult to injury, I was incredibly turned on. I only wanted to love him. It didn't seem like too much to ask for. He looked at me incredulously and I knew he didn't understand where my tears came from. I could feel the defensive vices building in my mind, readying to push Edward away to protect me from further hurt.

"Why don't you just leave me now then," I suggested sarcastically. "You seem so sure of how I'm going to react; you could save us both the trouble."

"Bella, don't," he warned, irritated.

"Don't what Edward? Don't get frustrated because you've already decided how I'm going to react? Don't love you? Don't feel hurt by you not wanting my love? Don't concentrate on how you can throw this all back in my face because I'm too fucking weak to live without you?" Choked out through my tears, my words sounded more like defeated excuses than accusations.

"I meant please don't hide behind your sarcasm, and you're not weak Bella. Love doesn't make you weak."

"No, apparently it makes me bolt." I stared at him wide-eyed as the tears continued to fall, silently pleading for him to make the hurt stop.

"Bella, relax please," he pleaded softly, smoothing his hand over my hair lovingly. "I don't think you're going to leave. I think we are strong enough to work though things. I do have faith in our love."

"But not enough to be with me? You don't want to let me love you the way you loved me in case I might regret the only thing in my life that's made sense since my Mom died?"

"That's not fair. You're oversimplifying."

"I'm sorry. You're right. Let me rephrase…you don't have enough faith in me to trust that I'm always going to love you?"

"I do," he insisted, his eyes wild with emotion.

"You believe that I will always love you?" I asked skeptically, rephrasing my question to make my intent clear.

"Yes."

"Okay," I nodded, accepting defeat. "It's important to me that you believe that, and if you do then there's nothing more to say." Nothing constructive that would change his mind anyway, and I didn't want to cause a fight. He wasn't being unreasonable. I turned away from him, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable, trying to dry my tears and hoping to put an end to our painful conversation while my hand searched blindly under the covers for my robe. I kept trying to convince myself that it was enough if he believed that I would always love him. Just because I could show him my love more easily that I could speak it didn't meant he needed me to show him, even if I wanted to. I wanted him to see that I took him at his word, that I wasn't impossible or undeserving of his faith. I could be the sort of woman he saw me as, patient and understanding and capable of thinking outside of the freakbag of emotions I usually worked out of. I could be mature. I could be rational. I could be worthy of Edward's devotion.

"You're angry?" he questioned.

"No, I'm not," I admitted honestly. I was hurt, but trying not to be, and feeling rejected, but probably unfairly so, but I wasn't angry. In truth, if I was anything, I was feeling dumb. I found myself wishing that I'd never tried to touch him so that I wouldn't have fucked up the peaceful affection that existed in his arms. He moved towards me, tucking his body into mine, and I let him even though I didn't find it comforting. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled my body even more securely to his. I wasn't sure what he was looking for from me, a reaction or some kind of physical comfort. I tried to relax and let him take what he needed.

"Please don't shut down on me," he begged softly, his lips pressed tightly to my ear.

"I'm not," I assured him. "I just need a minute to bounce back, that's all." He held me tightly, almost desperately, while his hands restlessly tried to soothe me with gentle caresses, or maybe it was more for him; I wasn't sure. It didn't make me feel better. In fact, I had to concentrate on anything but the sensation of his touch because I wasn't capable of disengaging from my now misplaced need to show him my love while he was stroking me so lovingly. I wanted to be there for him, to provide whatever he was looking for, but I couldn't revel in his affection without risking feeling further rejection.

"Bella, talk to me," he pleaded. He tightened his arms and hugged my body for a moment and then planted a kiss on the side of my head near my cheek. "What I wouldn't give to read your mind right now," he murmured softly.

"I'm not thinking anything," I lied.

"You can tell me anything, even if you think it might hurt me or upset me," he assured me. "I'd rather know what you're thinking then lay her fearing that you're thinking the worst."

"There's nothing to tell that I haven't already said. I just don't rebound from the emotion that quickly."

"It seems like more than that," he whispered forlornly.

"It's not. I'm just trying to be mature and respect your feelings…trying to be the woman you want me to be."

"You are the woman I want you to be," he insisted.

"Okay." I'd finally found my robe and I tugged on it gently, trying to free it from underneath the two of us. "I'm just trying to get my robe," I said weakly.

"Are you cold?" he asked worriedly, sitting up so I could pull the robe to me. I began to fumble with it and his hands came out to take it. "Let me help," he offered, sliding the robe over my arms and shoulders. The soft velour fleece felt wrong, too warm and soft – not enough like Edward's skin. The sense of loss was profound and strong, even though it was only perceived. I didn't know when I would ever feel his skin against mine again, and it overwhelmed me. I quickly lay back down and waited for Edward to tuck himself back into my body. His hands lingered at my shoulders for a moment before he slid in behind me and hugged me to him again. I begged my tears to stay in place, desperate to not give into the emotion I was drowning in and start a new fight with Edward. I wasn't sure if he would understand why I was upset and it felt selfish and self-absorbed to bring it to his attention when he'd made it clear that he didn't want to be with me that way tonight.

The ensuing silence between us was deafening, and I started to wonder if my selfish emotional outburst might have been a better card to play. There was no space between our bodies but it felt as if an ocean separated us. I was betting not more than five minutes had passed even though it felt like an hour.

Edward kept his arms around my waist snugly, and his chin tucked into the crook of my neck. As the reticence dragged on, he seemed to grow restless, readjusting the position of his chin over and over again until finally he'd tunnelled it far enough into my neck that he displaced the collar of my robe. I felt a resurgence of want when his cool chin hit my warm skin and I tried to beat it back down. It didn't help matters that I could feel his breath on my neck and his nose twitch against my jawbone. I tried to relax but even in my state of masked arousal I could sense his unrest. He pulled his face back from my neck, closed his eyes for a moment and then flicked his head to one side, as if he was shaking something off. I watched him from the corner of my eye, wondering what was bothering him, almost happy to have the distraction.

"Can't get comfortable?" I wondered softly.

"Not exactly," he mumbled. I dropped it as he settled his chin back into my neck, nudging the collar of my robe even further aside. His chin wasn't still for long as he turned his face into my neck and kissed it tenderly. I closed my eyes and basked in the sensation as the electricity finally sparkled between us again, or at least it did for me. It gave me hope that things would be okay. A moment later he kissed my neck again. I felt the electricity shoot all the way down to my toes.

"Are you okay?" I wondered, hoping he'd explain what was going through his mind.

"Mmmm," he murmured softly. His arm came away from my waist and then suddenly appeared at my neck, shifting the collar of my robe out of his way. Slowly he inched the robe down my shoulder, and each bit of skin he exposed he kissed, his lips following the path of the fabric until they ran out of skin to kiss. I almost felt guilty to enjoy it without understanding why he was doing it, yet I was too afraid to say anything that might make him stop. I just lay there and let him take what he needed from me, silently begging for more in my head.

Unexpectedly, he turned me towards him, rolling me decidedly on to my back. He pressed his body into mine and continued to kiss my neck and shoulder. I froze for a moment, trying to decide if I should let him continue, but I knew I had to speak up. As much as I wanted him to get caught up in what he was doing, I didn't want him to have regrets later. "Edward," I whispered.

"Hmmm?" he murmured, continuing to kiss me.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" He raised his head to look at me.

"I don't really understand what you're doing."

He grimaced and looked down. "Things between us don't feel right…ever since you put your robe back on I've felt strange."

"Strange?"

"Like something is missing."

"Nothing's missing," I assured him softly.

"But after you put your robe on, the connection between us… our skin…"

"The electricity disappeared," I replied knowingly. "I noticed too."

"I don't like it…I feel disconnected from you. It's like you're not really there or there's something keeping us apart."

"I'm right here Edward," I whispered soothingly. "Electricity or no electricity, I'm not going anywhere, and there's nothing keeping us apart."

"Promise?" he pleaded.

"I promise." He pressed his lips back into my neck with a vengeance, running his hand down the centre of my robe and opening it. The shift in his emotions was palpable. I fought with myself about whether or not to warn him again. His hand burrowed under my robe and I whimpered softly at the contact as the electricity sparkled with an ever-increasing intensity between us.

"Edward, you said you didn't want this," I cautioned. The words felt wrong coming out of my mouth, yet I felt responsible to say something while I was still able to resist him. He didn't acknowledge my words, not even with a tiny hum or moan. Frustrated, I reacted with the only other thing I could think of that might rouse him from his preoccupation and get his attention. I slipped my hand down his body, running it along his zipper, and stroked him. He was aroused again and he pressed himself against my hand, the opposite reaction to what I expected him to do. I moaned softly, completely turned on by his actions.

"Edward, you don't have to do this for me," I informed him softly, bending my head to whisper close to his ear. "I swear I'm not hurt. I don't want you to regret this. It can wait until we're both ready." He pressed himself into my hand again. I was so torn. I wondered if this was what I made him feel like when I kissed him goodbye in the school parking lot, pushing my breasts into his chest and wrapping my leg around his ass. I wanted him to know I wanted him that night. Is that was he was trying to tell me now?

"Bella," he whispered breathily into my ear, raising his lips from my neck. "You were right. If I truly believe that we can withstand anything, then I have to live like that. No more excuses." His thought made no sense to me. Edward never rationalized.

"Edward, I shouldn't have said that to you. It wasn't fair. You have the right to wait until you're ready. Please stop and think. You need to be sure." I wasn't even sure where the words were coming from, some place deep inside me where logic still lived, protected from my raging hormones.

Edward brought his lips to mine and kissed me firmly, pushing his tongue between my lips and into my mouth. His tongue twirled and pressed against mine powerfully, fighting to posses me, desperate to convey his ardour and commitment. His words echoed that commitment. "I mean it Bella. I can't hide behind excuses. I can't say we're strong and deny that I want to be with you if I'm trying to prove my faith in us."

"You don't need to prove anything Edward."

"I know, but I preach to you about having faith and act as if I have it all together. The truth is we are both afraid, and I've been putting my fear off on to you. I'm terrified of losing you, for any reason." He cupped my cheeks tenderly, bringing his face close to mine, and spoke with a quiet conviction. "You are the most precious thing in the world to me…you're everything…and if we only had tonight…if we only had this moment…I wouldn't want to waste it on fear." He pressed his lips softly against mine, savouring the kiss with the same reverence that emanated from his words. His words moved me; it was exactly how I felt. I didn't want to worry about the future or the past tonight. I wanted to live these moments like they were the only ones that mattered. Whether we were meant to be together or would be undone, whether our problem was faith or fear, whether the sun would rise tomorrow or not, tonight what I wanted more than anything was to just love him. Let the world crash down on me tomorrow.

"Let's just hold on to each other," I murmured softly against his mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Hold on and don't let go." Just like he had, I pressed my lips to his and kissed him sweetly, hoping the meaning in my words got through to him, that he would know that I just wanted to be connected to him, to love him and let him love me because our love was more important than anything else.

After a few moments, he shifted his lips away from mine, and while still holding my face, he kissed my cheeks and the tip of my nose and my forehead, reminding me of that day in the supply closet when he showed me just how well he could read me. Even then, before he knew I loved him or even cared for him, he knew how I needed to be kissed, knew how to love me when I didn't know myself what I wanted. He released my cheeks and moved his lips to my neck, lavishing it in the same delicate and careful attention. I could feel an alien swelling of emotion inside of me; one I couldn't place but one that did not scare me either.

His hands drifted, smoothing over my torso, and I fought to not let his touch take me under the way it had before. I concentrated on caressing the skin of his neck, letting my hands drop lower and knead into his upper back. His skin was smooth and hard and I could feel the outline of every single muscle. For as slender a build as he was, his back was amazingly well defined. It was no wonder he made me feel safe.

My hands continued to explore his skin, tickling and brushing along his back, trying to soothe and relax him, to tease and taunt him, to simply learn the architecture of his body as part of my own. It was glorious to follow the curve of his waist and run my hands just above the top of his jeans and feel nothing but his skin under my fingertips, but I knew I wanted more. I wanted him out of his jeans and pressed against me. I wanted skin to skin and bodies tangled. I wanted to get so lost in our connection that I wouldn't know where he ended and I began. And I knew I wouldn't be able to get any of that from where I was.

Before he could pin me further with the weight of his body, I wiggled out from under him and pushed him back lightly on to the mattress. I knew he wouldn't understand what I was doing, but I had no control underneath him. If I was going to show him my love and not get lost in his in the process, control was not only important, it was imperative.

"Bella," he complained as I pulled myself up and straddled his body. I chuckled under my breath at the idea of his poor male ego being bruised. I would make it worth his while.

"Shhhhh," I cooed, settling my weight on his hips and leaning into him. I kissed his lips softly, giving him a moment to adjust his attitude before I continued.

"I…I need to know what you're doing before you do it," he confessed shyly.

Concerned, I looked at him for a moment, but respectfully agreed without asking for more explanation. "Okay." He could tell me later if he wanted me to know, or maybe somewhere along the way I might come to understand all on my own.

"I want to do what you did to me," I whispered, staring into his eyes and ignoring the way the lust there made me feel. I leaned forward and kissed him sweetly, pressing my pouting lips indulgently into his, knowing how my pout affected him. His hands reached for me, finding and gripping my knees as I traced his lips with the tip of my tongue. Again I pressed my lips into his, opening my mouth to deepen our kiss. His tongue rushed my mouth, deliberate and anxious for reciprocation and I let his kiss control me for a moment. If he needed some amount of control to feel comfortable I would willingly entertain him.

I moved my lips away from his mouth, gathering my hair into my hand and pulling it over my shoulder so it wouldn't interfere with kissing him. I'd never told him how sexy I found his strong jaw line, but to me, it was the epitome of sexiness, so angular and masculine. I followed the contours of its unyielding profile, kissing my way along the bone until I reached his ear. "I'm going to kiss you neck now," I purred against his ear. I let my lips trail down his neck, inhaling deeply to take in his delicious smell, part cologne and part Edward, but one hundred percent heavenly. I shifted my body down his, and the friction between our bodies made him hiss. "Sorry," I mumbled between kisses. "It's the cast." I didn't want him to think I was cruel; it just wasn't easy to move fluently with my stupid leg.

I smoothed my hand over his skin, fingering the indentations of his deltoids and glossing over the rounded edges of his broad shoulders. His shoulders were every bit as manly and sexy as his jaw line but a turn on in a different way because they made me ache for the comfort of his arms around me. I kissed and licked along his skin and moved my mouth lower on his body, heading towards his nipple without thinking. I stopped just as I got there to warn him. "Do you remember what you did to my nipple?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to do that to you now," I informed him in a quiet voice.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Let go of your hair please." His request made my stomach drop. I loved that he knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to ask for it. I smiled and flicked my tongue out against his aroused flesh while I let my hair drop from my hand and splay across his ribcage carelessly. I wasn't sure if the hair or the tongue caused the sharp intake of breath, but it didn't really matter. It was sexy regardless of the cause.

I let my hands roam his torso, caressing and stroking everything within my reach as my lips and tongue committed his chest to memory. It was utterly breathtaking, beyond perfection, completely, absolutely, fundamentally paragon, and I made sure to appreciate every last inch of it before moving on.

I kissed my way to the centre of his pecs and followed the indentation downwards past his ribs before lifting my lips to speak to him. I studied his face for a moment, deciding he looked relaxed and took solace that I wasn't getting what he liked totally wrong. "Edward?"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"I'm going lower now," I warned playfully, and just because I wanted the encouragement I added, "hair or no hair?"

"Hair." His quiet voice rumbled from behind his teeth like a growl. I won't pretend that I didn't love that I could do that to him.

I dragged my hands and my hair lower on his torso in a slow and deliberate manner, tickling and arousing his body as I moved. Instead of kissing him, I let my lips coast along his skin, hovering just about it, and occasionally I dropped my nose and nuzzled it against him. The sparse hair around his navel took me under. So fucking sexy. I ran my hand through it over and over again, enjoying the way it felt as I tugged it gently through my closed fingers. It was the only thing that could separate me from my preoccupation with getting him out of his jeans.

"Edward," I murmured, raising my head to look at him.

"Yes?"

"Your jeans…" I let my voice trail off and fingered the button gently. It wasn't that I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted, more that it felt like admitting it out loud might make me lose control of myself. I swallowed hard and steeled my nerves. "Can I unbutton them?"

"Yes." His voice wavered, unsure, so I moved slowly.

I planted soft kisses on his stomach again, hoping to provide a little distraction from what my hands were doing and relax him. The button opened with little effort; I just slipped my fingertip between the overlapping edges of the fabric and popped it. What I'd forgotten was that I'd undone his zipper on my earlier attempt to touch him so it caught me off guard when his pants came so open with just one button pop. My mistake was the gasp. Edward sat up so fast that I honestly didn't see him move. One second it was just me and his open jeans, and the next second Edward was sitting up, grasping at my arms and pulling me roughly to him, assaulting my mouth with the coarsest kiss he'd ever given me. The rush of adrenaline that ran through my veins only heightened my arousal. He encircled my waist with one arm and pushed his other hand into my hair, pulling me to him so tightly that I could feel the friction between my legs.

"Edward," I murmured against his lips, unable to budge my head from his fierce grasp. He wasn't hurting me in the slightest, but I'd never realized how enormously strong he was. The intensity of his kiss slowed, softening and then sweetening into something I recognized. I let him lead again, giving him time to get a hold of the lust that he surrendered to. Slowly his hold on my body loosened.

"Sorry," he whispered, letting his forehead rest against mine. "I didn't mean to lose control like that."

"It's okay. I totally understand the intensity." I wanted him to know he had nothing to be embarrassed about.

"It's why I need to know ahead of time…so I don't lose control…" I could sense his apprehension, although I wasn't sure if it was over what he'd just done or something else he was alluding to.

"Edward, look at me please," I requested softly, waiting for his caramel-coloured eyes to meet mine. "If this is too much, or something you're not ready for, we can back off. I don't want this to upset you."

"It's not upsetting me Bella. This…the difficulty controlling myself…it's part of who I am. I will never escape it." I didn't understand his words but the sadness in his tone punctured my heart.

"Do you want me to move slower?" I asked, concerned with moving forward at all. He seemed genuinely upset.

"No, you're doing a wonderful job."

Even in his discomfort he took the time to care for me. It made me all the more determined to give him exactly what he needed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my head against his shoulder, running my fingers through his hair trying to soothe him and give him the time he needed to collect himself. I knew he was ready to continue when his body finally relaxed against mine.

"Did you want me to talk more?" I wondered softly.

"The more prepared I am for what you're going to do, the easier it will be for me to govern the domination." I blinked at his strange choice of words and then let them slide; I'd do anything he needed.

"So more talking then?"

"Yes, please," he whispered, tucking his lips into my neck and kissing me to thank me for understanding. When his lips hit my skin I shivered and then blushed, realizing all of intimate things I was going to have to say out loud to Edward if he needed more warning then I was already giving him. He pulled back from my neck grinning triumphantly.

"Bella, why are you blushing?" I smirked and looked directly into his eyes, holding his stare for a few moments before I answered his question.

"You do realize you just asked me to talk dirty to you?" I teased, hoping my bravado masked my self-consciousness. The smile that spread across his perfect lips was all the encouragement I needed. "Are you ready to keep going?" He nodded and I watched as he lay his body back down on the mattress.

"You have too many clothes on Edward," I informed him matter-of-factly, "and I need to remedy that. I'm going to get off of your hips, finish unzipping you and take your pants off. _You_ are going to sit still, no, lay still, while I do it. No moving!" He smirked at me and nodded slightly, granting me the permission I was seeking in a very non-asking sort of way. I think a part of him enjoyed seeing the confidence in me as I took charge. I carefully slid off his lap with my hair veiling my face, hiding my expectant grin. I hoped the talking would help him because all it was doing for me was working me up. He wasn't the only one struggling with control.

His jeans were mostly undone so I pinched the tab of his zipper between my thumb and index finger and slid it down the rest of the way. I knew that getting him out of his clothing was the last barrier to loving him, and unzipping him reminded me of opening a gift of jewellery. The blue velvet box was sleek and pretty and even a little bit sexy, but you knew instinctively, without even opening the box, that the contents would be precious and awe-inspiring and beyond your imagination; a perfectly set jewel, flawless and rare and extraordinary. Loving him physically would be all of that and more.

My hands began to tremble as I peeled his jeans back and started to ease them off his hips. I wasn't sure I could control myself at all. Edward pushed himself off the bed with his arms to help me. I gripped the edge of the denim between my fingers and tugged hard a couple of times to persuade his pants far enough down so Edward could lay back and then shifted his hips down onto the bed with my hand. I held my breath as I slowly slid the fabric down his legs and off his body. I held my breath to prevent myself from gasping and fucking up again. I held my breath because he was wearing freaking black cotton boxer briefs that were utterly perfectly sexy on him. I held my breath because he was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.

I tried to readjust my focus as I crawled back up the mattress to him. Maybe if I just kept my eyes closed the perfection of every part of him wouldn't make me come undone. Of course that meant I'd have to plug my ears and nose too; there wasn't a single thing about him that didn't turn me on in some way, his smell, the noises he made, the coolness of his skin. I was in so far over my head it wasn't even funny.

"Edward, tuck your arms behind your head please," I requested softly.

"Why?" he wondered, looking over at me curiously.

"It will give me more warning if you have to untuck them first, and you won't be tempted to touch me."

"I'm always tempted to touch you," he replied impishly, wearing the most wicked grin.

"My point exactly," I acquiesced. "This is about you. I'm not giving you the chance to change the subject." Once he did as I asked, I settled my head onto his bicep and rested my body against his. "Edward, are you ready for me to touch you?" I wasn't even sure I was ready.

"Yes," he replied softly, in a shaky voice.

"I'm going to go slowly down your torso, but I'll make what I'm planning obvious with my movements so I won't take you off guard." I put my hand on his chest, flattening my palm to show him what I meant about always letting him know where my hand would be. I let my fingers press into his skin as my hand drifted lower. By the time I reached his navel, I realized a full on grope was probably a bad idea so I lightened the pressure of my hand, and let my fingers brush along the top of his boxers. "Relax," I whispered, just to give him one final cue before I touched him. I gently lowered my hand onto him and stroked him softly, up and then down again. He sucked in a big gulp of air but remained still. I repeated the motion of my hand with slightly more pressure and heard him swallow hard. I stroked him a third time and left my hand resting on him, rather than remove it, and heard him exhale in a relaxed fashion. He was ready for more. I curled my fingers around him so I could increase the friction of the sensation. I moved my hand up and down him, watching his face and enjoying the little changes that registered, the tightening of his closed lids, the way his head pushed back into the pillow, the refinements of his mouth as he strained and accepted the sensations created by my fingertips. I wondered if he watched me when our positions were reversed and something told me he had. The vulnerability in it didn't even bother me; I only hoped he enjoyed my reactions the same way I was enjoying his.

"Edward, are you ready for skin to skin?" I murmured, kissing his chest just to remind him of our physical connection. He nodded but didn't speak. "Are you sure?" I asked softly. "I would feel more comfortable moving forward if you spoke."

"I'm sure," he informed me breathily. Rather than try and remove his boxers, I let my fingers run along the waistband and then slipped my trembling hand underneath. I couldn't recall ever feeling so anxious for anything in my life. I ran my fingertip along him gently and he hissed loudly. I hesitated, waiting for his torso to relax before I tried again. When I repeated the same movement he was fine. No hissing. No tensing. I took it as a good sign. I used three fingers this time, one trailing after the other, pressing against him with a delicate pressure. Again my mind wandered to what he must have felt like when our roles were reversed. Every time I touched him it made me want more - more skin, more touching, more friction, more of him. Every part of me ached for him and I struggled against giving into the rush that taunted me.

"Bella?" His voice was rough and quiet and made my name sound strange.

"Yes?"

"Will you take them off?" I pressed my lips together to suppress the nervous laugh that threatened to emerge. His question, while completely reasonable, was like asking a woman if she wanted chocolate – an unequivocal yes.

"Are you ready?" I questioned quietly. Because even if he was sure, I wasn't sure I was.

"Ready."

"I'll do it the same way I did your jeans, easing them off your hips first," I explained, laying my hands on his sides above the waistband. He nodded and pushed himself off the mattress with his arms again. Now I was sure I wasn't ready – not ready to control my hormones or my reaction to him, and simply not ready to resist him.

"Bella, your hands are trembling."

"I know…you're not the only one struggling with control. There's a lot of anticipation and newness…I just want to love you Edward. I'm totally okay with doing it however you need me to do it, but it's hard to hold back when what I really want to do is just let go."

"It's the same for me Bella, and I feel like I'm asking too much of you."

"You're not Edward. I'm asking as much of you as you are of me."

"Still…it's not fair to you…"

"This is about loving each other, not fairness or right and wrong. Scoot to the edge of the bed."

"Pardon?" he asked, confused.

"Just scoot to the edge of the bed," I instructed, sliding myself off the bed awkwardly. I waited for him to sit on the edge of the mattress and then stood beside him. "Get naked."

"What?" he asked, laughing.

"You heard me; get naked. Take your boxers off."

"Bella!" he complained, not understanding where I was going.

"Edward, will you just trust me? Take them off." He proceeded to stand and slip the black cotton briefs down and off and then returned to sitting on the bed. Out of sheer self-preservation, I didn't look at him while he stripped off his undies. I was relatively sure I would just be gaping at him if I had.

"Bella, I don't understand," he admitted softly.

"I think it was easier for you to take them off yourself. You knew what to expect…less build up…but that wasn't my point. My point was this." I slipped my robe off and let it drop to the floor. I didn't feel self-conscious standing in front of him naked, and the reason I didn't was simple. "This is about loving one another, and nothing else. You ask me to give you some warning, and I ask you to let me touch you. Neither of is asking for too much; we're simply asking for understanding." He held his hands out for me and I took them, stepping towards him. "I just want to be close to you. If you give me the choice, I'm choosing being pressed up against you, but I'll take whichever option keeps us together."

"Come here," he whispered, pulling me into his lap. I curled my arms around his neck and cuddled myself into his chest.

"Edward?" I whispered.

"Yes?"

"I don't want to keep asking to touch you because I don't want this to feel mechanical or clinical for you. What you did to me earlier…well…it was beautiful, and I only want to show you the same care and respect." I lifted my gaze and looked right into his eyes. "I'm going to touch you now," I told him softly, "and I'm not going to hold back this time. I'm going to close my hand around you, palm to fingertips, and stroke you, and I'm not going to stop until you come. I'll start out slow and gentle, but as soon as I think you can handle more, I'm giving more, and I'm going to keep giving until you've had more than you can handle. Just let me love you." Trying to be as obvious as I could, I pulled my hand away from Edward's neck and let it smooth along his torso, stretching out my fingers and sliding them along his skin, watching them as the dropped into the space between his legs. I didn't give myself a chance to hesitate. I didn't want to prolong the apprehension of my hand making contact. I reached for him, wrapping my fingers around him gently, and began to move my hand up and down his hardened length.

I had to close my eyes to resist the electricity that buzzed between my hand and his flesh. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before, strong and steady like a heartbeat, and it was calling to me. If I thought I ached for Edward before, I had to rethink my entire definition. Edward shifted his body, leaning back and away from me, letting his arms support his weight. His face was tense and a small part of me panicked, assuming he wasn't enjoying my touch, until I realized that he was just struggling with his control and trying to resist the electricity too. When I tightened my hand around him, he grunted quietly. There was such duality in it. It was erotic to know that I could make him feel this way, yet at the same time difficult to watch him struggle against the sensations.

I watched Edward's chest as it heaved in and out with ragged, irregular breaths, his face squished up in concentration as my hand moved up and down him, each time a little more quickly. My light touch was slowly transforming into something more firm and resolute. I may as well have been touching myself for how aroused I was getting. Feeling him hard underneath my palm was the ultimate aphrodisiac.

I was doing a decent enough job resisting the electricity and the urges that taunted me; all those dirty little deeds I knew I couldn't do without risking Edward's control. I knew I didn't have to do every naughty thing I'd ever thought about to him tonight. Still, there were things I wanted to do, desires that wouldn't leave my thoughts, and the images they produced in my mind turned me on further and began a vicious cycle of positive feedback as they sped the pace of the hand that stroked Edward. As my hand moved faster, Edward's control began to slip. The more he fought, the more turned on I got, and the more turned on I got, the harder I pumped my hand. Every action furthered the intensity of every reaction, and it would only end with the complete demise of Edward's control.

I studied Edward's reactions. I could see him straining against my actions, white-knuckling the sheets, resisting his lust and channelling his control. His focus was fucking awe-inspiring and I wished I could tell him. I could see the pleasure he was feeling in the set of his jaw and his parted lips, watching his shallow breaths become pants. It was like watching the images in my mind come to life, his reaction to the laundry list of wicked things I wanted to do to his body, right there on Edward's face. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to caress him. I wanted to be close to him and be even just a small participant in his bliss beyond the simple connection of my hand on his body, but I didn't dare move. It wasn't fair to Edward. I had to play by his rules and stick to the details I'd given him before I started.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to watch him, but that only made my other senses keener. Every little grunt and moan that left his beautiful mouth amplified, echoing like a symphony off the walls of my room. I could feel his body tensing and shifting underneath my legs, straining against my hand. I wanted to end his agony, even if it was sweet agony, so I slid myself to the edge of his legs to make more room for my hand to work, and the simple shift of my weight was what brought Edward's control down. His arms closed in around me, scooping under me to cup my ass, turning my body and spreading my legs open, pulling me back into his lap and flat to his chest. The electricity jolted between us. His hands pressed into my back wantonly, tangling into my hair and pushing my body further into his. His mouth covered mine in less than a heartbeat, coveting everything my lips had to offer, dominating my tongue and my lips and making me whimper into his mouth. There was nothing between us, and the feel of his skin pressed to mine was ecstasy, a thousand times more sensual than I had imagined. I could feel him between my legs, rigid and rock hard and pressed solidly into my thigh. I gasped for air and pulled back from his kiss, not because I didn't want every thing he just offered me, but because I knew he didn't.

"Edward," I whispered hoarsely, trying to locate some volume for my voice.

"I need you," he murmured. "I need you."

I swallowed hard and felt a thrill run through my body as his words registered. "You can have me if you're sure that's what you want. Just reach out and take me." I wanted it to be his choice. It was perhaps an inappropriate offering given the vulnerability of our position, but now that I knew he was in control of himself there wasn't anything I wanted more.

"Protection," he mumbled, burying his face in my hair and pressing his lips to my neck.

"It's okay. I'm covered."

"What?" he asked confused.

I smiled smugly. "Did you think I'd come unprepared? I have been to the doctor at least once a week since breaking my stupid leg."

"Bella." I could hear the weight in his tone and knew the gravity of what was about to happen had hit him. I hadn't quite hit me yet. I was still trying to adjust to the proximity of our bodies and the bliss of his skin against mine. I wanted to reassure him.

"Love me Edward."

His lips came back to my mouth, less urgent but just as passionate and I could feel the difference in him immediately. He wasn't holding back or trying to resist. I almost lost it right then and there. This was the love I wanted to give to Edward, unrestrained and free. I wanted to deliver him the same way he'd done for me. I pushed my hand between our bodies and grasped him between my fingers, lifting my hips so we could connect.

"Bella, your leg?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," I assured him. "It's probably easier this way with the cast anyway. Besides, I want to be greedy and be right there with you when you go over." I had no idea if he would understand my reasoning, but he didn't question it. I shifted my hips and brought my body down on him slowly. The friction between my legs made me whimper loudly. Edward reached out for me when my body tensed and held me to him while I relaxed and adjusted to the sensation.

"I'm sorry," he murmured repentantly against my ear. "Go slow. I don't want to hurt you." He was so thoughtful, but overly protective. The discomfort only lasted a moment. The whimper was more about the overwhelm of the connection then the tiny blip of pain I felt.

"You won't hurt me," I told him decidedly. I knew he would rather die than hurt me.

The first few movements were conspicuously awkward and unsophisticated, but the innocence and purity of our connection masked any negativity. It was pure ecstasy to be so close to him, impossible not to get lost in him. His arms made me feel safe and wanted as they held me tightly to his chest. His mouth kissed mine, kissed my neck and shoulders and any other place it could reach that wouldn't require him to let go of me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and heard him moan. "I love your hands on my neck," he clarified in a husky voice, pulling back from our kiss to explain. I didn't need the explanation, but I loved it anyway. He could tell me all of the ways to drive him crazy. I would never get sick of hearing about them. Spurred on by his admission, I started to move my hips faster, grinding against his hips and enjoying the friction it created.

"Bella, if you keep that up I won't last long," he whispered. I don't think he was embarrassed; he just wanted me to have the facts.

"Who said I wanted it to last long?" I teased, grinding down harder just to prove my point. This was still my game, still my love to give. He was just granting me that deeper connection I sought, the one that went beyond my hand, but the control was mine.

Not to be outdone, Edward shifted his hips back and when I came down on him this time the friction spiked and I moaned, loudly and unabashedly. It was either that or Edward was going to hear a whole string of expletives; not that he didn't expect those from me too. It was hard to remember that I wasn't in this for me when he made it feel that good for me. I wasn't ready to give in to his way of doing things yet though.

I moved my hips faster, making the movements more shallow but building intensity. It was easier for me to handle than Edward. I could feel the difference in him instantly. His body was more rigid and he held me a little more tightly. His eyes begged me to slow down but I didn't want to.

"This is for you," I whispered.

"This is for _us_," he echoed. He was right in so many ways, but his needs were my only concern tonight. We had a lifetime to perfect the technique, endless nights to love and be loved by one another. Tonight, this moment, it was Edward's. He'd already given mine earlier.

I angled my hips to take more of him inside me with each thrust. I caressed his neck. I tipped my head back to tease his arms with my hair. I wanted him to have everything he needed and wanted. I felt even more connected to him once he filled his hand with a fistful of my hair, tangling it around his fingers and dropping his head to my shoulder.

"Bella." My name was a soft whisper on his lips, a pleading to slow down, an acquiescence of his will to control his body, an admission that he was losing the struggle. I wanted to explain that it wasn't a struggle but he would understand soon enough.

I sped my hips with quick shallow movements, holding my body to his and urging him on. I fisted his hair and buried my lips in the side of his neck, kissing him softly and whispering encouragement into his waiting ear. "Give in." I ground my hips into his again and again, murmuring, "I love you," as his hands tightened around me.

A low deep moan rumbled from his throat and his hands dug into my back. He lifted his head and tipped it backwards and I watched as he came undone. I kept my hips moving trying to maximize his pleasure while his body trembled in my arms and another moan left his lips. He was magnificent. It was like an implosion of euphoria as he came apart inside of me, holding me tightly to him, making sure I rode the exhilaration with him. Every part of me tingled with the results of our efforts, the ache replaced by rapture.

I stilled my hips and held him tenderly and waited for him to come out of the fog of feelings that must have flooded him during his orgasm. If it was anything like mine it was the best kind of overwhelm. Forever Edward, as soon as he could form a coherent though, he pushed his own desires aside. He scooped me up and pulled us over to the pillows. When I rolled on to my back, Edward gathered my body in his arms and nuzzled his head into my stomach after pulling the comforter onto both of us. I ran my fingers through his bronze hair as he snuggled into my body to recover. We were both completely blissful. I couldn't have asked for anything more in that moment, save for one tiny thing.

"Can you stay with me tonight?"

"What about Charlie?"

"He's gone for the next 3 days; fishing trip." He smiled and I giggled. Charlie had great timing. What could I say?

"I'm here as long as you'll keep me then," he assured me sweetly, planting a soft kiss on my skin.

"That's easy. Forever."

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**A/N:** Reviews are much appreciated, gratefully accepted and for the most part, replied to :o)


	34. Sagacity

**A/N:** Twilight and all of its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Passed 800 reviews with the last chapter. YAY! Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.

This chapter is rather transitional. I wanted to explain the transformation in Edward's thoughts. **From Edward's POV**…

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I knew she wanted to love me. I wanted her to love me, but I didn't intend to give in to her. For all the time I'd given to thinking about what I wanted for Bella and myself, I didn't understand that I'd put my fear off onto Bella until she challenged me in plain English. She was right to call me on my illogical reasoning. My thoughts had only gone as far as what I thought was right for Bella. I hadn't drawn the parallels between my own desires or what she might want for me. I'd equated my own self-hatred with Bella's feelings, as if there was no other option but for her to hate my nature. I'd decided how she would react, made her decision for her, when it wasn't my choice to make. I could only know my own mind, not hers.

I could see that she was upset, that she thought I was being unfair, and still I held tightly to my belief that I knew her mind and was doing the right thing. I had given her my love to show her my faith and rejected hers to protect her from her own regrets. It was the opposite of fair; it was hypocritical. I told her that my motives were purely out of respect for her feelings, yet I'd shown no respect for them. The only feelings I'd given credence to were my fears that she would leave me when she knew what I was, and I put that blame off onto her, making it about some perceived regret that she might develop instead of my own insecurities.

She asked only for reassurance that I believed she would always love me. I gave it to her without a moment's hesitation, without really considering the gravity of what I'd said. I'd always seen our future in terms of my love, a love that would last for eternity. I'd never tried to see things from the perspective of her love. As my promise solidified in my thoughts, the profundity of it inundated my logic. If she loved me forever, then it was likely she might find a way to look past the initial shock of my secret and work through any negative feelings. And even if it felt improbable to me, I wasn't the one making the decision. It was Bella's decision to make, hers and hers alone.

She was working so hard to be strong, to not feel vulnerable in a situation where there was really no other way to feel. When she rolled away from me and put her robe on, panic flooded through me. I was sure she was shutting down, but in her true courageous style, she was just trying to shake off what I have no doubt felt like full on rejection. Even after making her feel so dreadfully rebuffed, she still allowed me to hold her and try to make it up to her, even though I knew every instinct she had was telling her to withdraw.

All the while, her words about maturity and respect ricocheted in my head, that she was trying to be the woman I wanted her to be. She was the woman I wanted her to be, she was loving and giving, and I could clearly see from her actions that she respected me enough to back off her own desires and do things my way, even though it was not the way she wanted things to be. She was willing to let me keep her at a distance, even if it broke her heart.

I tried to soothe her with my touch but I found touching her almost distressing. The energy that normally caromed between us had halted. I thought it was my perception; that I wasn't concentrating hard enough to feel it, although I'd never had to concentrate to find it before. I focused and willed it to appear but it didn't. I held her tighter, caressed her gently, showed her all of my affection, but the electricity had vanished. It was the strangest sensation, almost like holding the wrong girl in my arms, foreign and unfamiliar. I buried my nose in her neck and took in an unhealthy gulp of her fragrance, letting it subjugate me, trying to soothe the ache that had begun. When the ache came back stronger, again I tunnelled my nose into her neck and inhaled her floral scent. Time after time I repeated the action, and each time the ache returned stronger. Finally, I'd burrowed my chin so far into her body that the collar of her robe was displaced and I made contact with her collarbone. The sweet relief in the energy that sparkled between us was indescribable.

With the re-emergence of electricity, I pressed my lips to her neck in sheer joy and felt it flicker against my lips. I was content for a short moment, but felt the need to test for the energy again, just to guarantee its existence. Before I consciously realized what I was doing, I'd eased her robe off her shoulder entirely and covered her skin in tender kisses. It still wasn't enough to stop the ache.

I don't know if it was the loss of our connection or the electricity, or merely time that allowed my thoughts to connect so fully. Suddenly I understood how unfair I was being to her to withdraw myself from her reach. I couldn't preach about having faith in the strength of our love and not give her dominance over that faith. Loving me was her decision. Accepting her love was mine. What I had defined as weakness on my part was perchance not weakness at all, rather strength. Sometimes it requires great strength and courage to yield to temptation, and I could be both strong and brave for Bella. I wanted to be everything she needed. I wanted to fulfil her as she fulfilled me.

Something took over inside me; the more electricity I was rewarded with, the more I sought. I rolled her on to her back and pressed my body into hers and felt it surge between every place our bodies connected. I didn't even consciously realize that I was again taking advantage of Bella's love and sending her mixed signals. Beyond the titillation of the energy and the excitement of the connection, there was just an overwhelming feeling of rightness. Perhaps it was my shift in my emotions or the ardour of my actions that alerted Bella to the change in my decision, but she was heedful of my prior choice and carefully cautioned me against moving forward. I tried to explain to her all of the things that had fallen into place for me, and for what my words lacked in eloquence, I hoped my affection made up for in abundance and verve. I needed her to know I was the one who had mixed things up between us in putting her off, that she had done nothing wrong, and that I didn't want to waste any more time being afraid.

When Bella understood the change in me, she took matters into her own hands, intent on showing me her love as I had shown her mine. She playfully pushed me back on to the mattress and climbed on top of me, and the torrent of desires her actions released in me was almost cataclysmic. I couldn't tell her why my control was so paramount but I knew I couldn't keep my struggle to myself either. I had to make things as safe for her as I could in a way that she could comprehend. I was as honest and forthright as I could be, leaving clues as I spoke so that she might one day look back and understand that I wasn't willingly hiding things from her, that I was telling her the only way I could while still respecting her wishes. I asked her to warn me about what she intended to do before she did it, knowing it would help me channel the inundation of emotions, urges and sensations. It was her love for me that kept her from challenging my strange request, and that same love that aided her in finding the words to issue the warnings.

With each new place she touched, she further bewitched me, captivating me with gentle giving caresses and kisses that whispered words she couldn't say but needed me to hear. I was all ears, enchanted by her every effort. Her warmth and the sensation of her touch made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt in my human or vampire life. Beyond desire and passion, I could feel her love completing me.

I lost control of myself when she unbuttoned my pants, caught up in her efforts and anticipating her touch. I heard the quiet rush of air leave her lips, felt her body tense against mine, saw the minute snap of her head, sensed her shock and the change in her body chemistry. I reached out for her protectively, my instincts reacting before my brain could really even process what was happening. I pulled her to me and instantly knew she was okay, but the proximity of our bodies and momentary release of my control left me susceptible to my urges. My lips covered hers covetously. One of my arms pulled her to me by her waist and the other flew to her hair and pushed her upper body at mine. I knew it was wrong to give in when I was not in full dominion of myself, but I couldn't resist her. In that moment I understood the real change in me. It wasn't control I wanted; it was surrender. I didn't want to possess her. I wanted her to possess me. I had to force myself to exert my restraint.

Bella continued to love me as only she could, using the best of herself to pleasure every part of me, not simply through our physical connection but through our emotions and senses as well. Her thorough exploration of my body left no stone unturned. Her intuition and aptitude was awe-inspiring and dumbfounding. She never made it feel awkward or uncomfortable – as if loving me was the most natural thing for her. She was better at it than even I had imagined, wholly reaffirming my belief that she was born to love me.

I warred with myself, resisting my desire to give in to what I really wanted, what I felt I had no right to ask for but what I craved with an overwhelming intensity. I put forth every effort to countervail the longing - I leaned away from her, took my hands off of her body, stopped kissing her, but to no advantage. She still called to me in an overpowering way. With every stroke of her hand my control was slipping, not in withstanding what she was doing to me but in forgoing taking her with me. I could hear her fluttering heartbeat, speeding in time with her actions, feel the way her body arched and worked to pleasure mine, smell the pheromones her body emitted. I tried to focus inward, to selfishly desire only the climax of my arousal but it only made me acutely aware of how badly I yearned for the connection to her. This wasn't about having an orgasm. I ached for the physical joining of our bodies.

The assertion was on the tip of my tongue, a pleading to let me love her, a longing with breathless eagerness to complete me. When she shifted to the edge of my legs, my body took over where my mouth failed. I was unguarded with where I laid my hands on her; sure that she would understand the earnestness of my touch. I turned her body towards mine, opened her legs and pulled her against my chest to maximize the connection of our skin. I focused the intensity that threatened to spill forth into kissing her, ardent and desperate. I shamelessly pressed against her, no longer willing to hide how much I wanted her. Thinking only of me, she cautioned me, and finally the words I needed to admit tumbled out. "I need you."

The rush in admitting what I needed aloud to her was heady, but paled in comparison to the thrill in hearing Bella offer herself to me. It wasn't that I doubted her desires but having them confirmed in plain English put everything into perspective for me. Our love was real and enduring; more than faith, our love was unbreakable.

I can't put the union of our bodies into words and give it justice. It was more in every imaginable way than any words could describe. She was my own private piece of heaven and every bit of love she gave me was more proof of the amazing bond between us. She knew me, knew what I liked and how to give it to me; knew how to make every moment special.

It was a give and take of desires; whom had control no longer mattered. We were together. We were connected. We were one. I filled my arms with her tiny body and held it against my own. I kissed her beautiful lips and neck and shoulders, and moved my hips in unison with hers. I clung tightly to her as I came undone with a force so violent I thought I might go to pieces. And when I came out of the euphoria she'd delivered with her love, she was there, holding me and smiling at me contentedly, reminding me what I'd always known. She loved me.

Hearing her speak to me of forever told me how much the union meant to her. She'd never used the word before and it made me giddy to hear it from her lips. I lay with my head on her stomach and my arms wrapped tightly around her while Bella stroked my hair lovingly. If I never had to move again I would be content for eternity. My arms held everything that would ever matter to me.

"Am I making you cold?" I wondered quietly, tracing a random pattern on her thigh with my index finger. Even warmed by Bella's body heat, I could still feel the marked difference between her skin and mine.

"Nope," she told me, laughing lightly.

I released her body from my arms, rolled on to my back, and pushed myself up the mattress. She was pouting at me by the time I settled back on to the pillows and opened my arms to invite her to me. She smiled and slid herself at my body gleefully.

"You wouldn't tell me even if I were," I whispered, squeezing her against me. "So don't think that you have me fooled. If your teeth start chattering, you're getting dressed." Her light, tinkling laugh was music to my ears. It was so easy to see her blissful and fulfilled. I'd never understood so clearly what joy was, what it meant to be truly happy.

"You just want the chance to undress me again," she teased, pressing her lips to my chest and kissing me while she giggled.

"I'd take that chance," I informed her smugly.

"It doesn't make a difference. I don't intend on ever getting dressed again." She smirked proudly at me.

"I think that might make quite a commotion at school."

She gasped loudly, feigning horror. "You'd actually let me get out of this bed?" she mocked.

"I can't hold you captive," I pointed out.

"Why? I'd hold you captive. In fact, consider yourself incarcerated. You think you have control of your life, but you don't. You're mine to keep now. I'll feed you and wash you and pleasure you whenever you require it," she declared giggling, unable to keep a straight face.

"Sort of like a reverse serfdom – you keep me in bondage but you're the servant?"

"Bondage? See now, I always knew you were twisted," she smirked. I laughed boisterously at the grin on her face, pulling her closer to my shaking body.

"You picked me," I reminded her between chortles. "So what does that say about you?"

"Hey, I never said I wasn't twisted too."

"Well it's just another way we're meant to be."

She slithered out of my arms and climbed on top of me playfully, never breaking eye contact with me.

"You like to remind me of that," she whispered, suddenly serious.

"I do," I agreed, putting my hands on her hips. "I like saying it and hearing it."

"Do you really believe in forever?" she wondered thoughtfully.

I cleared my throat to shake off the irony. "I do; forever love is the only kind of love I believe in."

"And you think we have a forever kind of love?"

"Yes," I murmured. "Do you?"

"I do," she whispered. Her eyes darted away from mine, almost as if there was shame in admitting it. "But even if forever isn't realistic, the love is forever."

"Forever," I agreed softly, studying her face, wishing in vain I could read her thoughts just to make sure she was truly okay.

"And what if this was a bondage kind of love?" she teased, a sly smile flirting at the edges of her beautiful lips. Her tiny hands covered mine and pulled them from her hips. She raised my arms above my head, holding them against the pillows with her hands, stretching forward and pressing her upper body against my chest. I swallowed the moan that threatened to escape. I was definitely not desensitized to the feel of her skin against mine or even just the idea of her naked body pressed against me, let alone the actual thing.

"Did you want me to be your slave?" I wondered.

"Maybe," she admitted with a quiet honesty.

"Do you think you could combat my strength?"

"Probably not, but I think you'd let me."

"You know me well." I was glad that she knew how I would react. It only gave me more confidence in us.

"Did you want to be my slave?" she asked, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"I think there is nothing I would like better, only we would need a little more practise before I would be considered dutiful."

"Well they do say practise makes perfect." She leaned forward and kissed me, her lips soft and pouting. Even hovering above me with her lips and breasts barely grazing my body, it was difficult to control myself. I knew I could break her hold on my arms by barely flexing my muscles and I struggled against letting her control me, not because I didn't want her to control me but because it was all so new to me. I wasn't used to the option of giving in to such a primal urge. I'd been holding back for so long. I needed to mentally adjust to the freedom.

"Well I am a perfectionist," I whispered, letting her kiss allay my uneasiness and take me under. It was as easy as reminding myself that I would happily accept any affection that she had to give to me, be it virtuous or libidinous.

"Way to work with me," she praised, pushing her tongue into my waiting mouth. I was just beginning to enjoy the way her warmth radiated and the taste of her on my tongue when she pulled back from me.

"Your pocket is buzzing," she whispered, smirking.

"I'm sure it's nothing important, or at least not more important than this," I informed her, pushing my mouth at hers to kiss her before she pulled further away.

"It must be important. Your phone never rings." She pulled back from me, releasing my arms and sliding off my body. "Get it. It's okay."

"Don't go anywhere," I commanded. "Let me get rid of whoever it is and I'll be right back." She smiled impishly and then saluted me before I bent over to dig my cell phone out of the pocket of my jeans. "Hello?"

"Edward, I need your help." I turned my head back towards Bella and mouthed to her that it was Alice. She smiled and nodded.

"This minute Alice?"

"Are you in the middle of something?" For the first time that I could remember, I didn't want to answer that question and I had to stifle the laugh that arose.

"What is it?" I wondered, letting myself fall back onto the pillows to close the space between Bella and I. I didn't want to waste a single moment of our time together, not when our connection was so perfect and vital.

"It's Jasper. He's leaving to go visit Peter and Charlotte in Seattle."

"That's hardly cause for alarm Alice. They visit each other often. Better the meeting takes place in Seattle," I admitted, before I stopped myself from saying more. The idea of having two vampires who feed on human blood in the vicinity of Bella was distressing, but I didn't want to say too much and have her catch on to the gist of our conversation before she let me tell her my secret. Bella was studying my face so I smiled at her

"I know, and normally it would be fine, but I had a vision. He won't listen to me. He insists I'm overreacting."

"Did it have something to do with Peter or Charlotte?" I watched Bella, only half paying attention to Alice. She was moving towards me, and I scrutinized the movement of her body, watching the sway of her hips and the rounding of her shoulders as she crawled back over to me and climbed on top of my hips. I knew the way she moved by heart, but it was pure poetry to watch her body move in its natural state and I let my eyes feast on it.

"I'm not sure; the vision was too nondescript. That's why he won't listen to me. All I know is he wasn't where he was supposed to be. In the vision I was looking for him and couldn't find him, and it's got me very worried."

"Well I'm sure he'll be extra careful. You know Jasper, he's not one to take risks." Bella bent her face to my chest, planting soft kisses on my skin. I closed my eyes and wished Alice would just get to the point so I could get back to Bella.

"He's not the one I'm worried about. It's whatever is keeping him from being where he's supposed to be that I'm worried about."

"Do you suspect something?" Bella raised her head to look at me, worry in her eyes. I shook my head so she'd know she didn't need to be concerned. She laid her cheek on my chest and encircled my body with her arms, hugging herself contentedly to my body. I heard her stomach growl and covered my mouth to stop myself from laughing when she buried her face into my chest to muffle her giggles.

"Nothing specific. I just can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen."

"Well until it does, keep your eyes opened. All we can really do is wait. Can you hang on one moment please?" I covered the phone with my hand so I could speak to Bella. "I'm sorry about this. I'll just be a moment. Did you want to go find something to eat while I finish up on the phone?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" she teased.

"Never. I'm not hungry, so you should go eat. I can meet you downstairs when I'm done?"

"If you're not hungry, you stay put. I'll just go grab a bowl of cereal and I'll be back in a few minutes."

"All right. I'll see you in a few minutes then." She leaned in and kissed my lips softly and then slid off my legs. I watched her as she sashayed towards the door, stopping halfway there to bend over and pick up my shirt, giving me perhaps the most lascivious visual I'd ever laid my eyes on. She slipped the button down on to her shoulders and turned to look at me with a happy smile on her face. It was enormous on her, dwarfing her petite frame. The sleeves must have hung ten inches past her tiny hands. She fumbled with the buttons, blew her hair out of her face and disappeared out of the room. It did not escape my attention that she did not put any panties on.

"Sorry Alice. Bella was waiting for me."

"I'm sorry to interrupt."

"It's fine."

"You're in a good mood?" she noted casually.

I disregarded her comment. She was fishing for details I had no intention of giving. If Bella wanted her to know then she would tell her.

"What would you like me to do?"

"Can't you just please talk to him for me Edward? It's not safe for him to go and he might listen to you."

"Did you see anything specific?"

"No," she huffed.

"Well, then I'm inclined to agree with Jasper. He knows how to handle himself and obviously Peter and Charlotte would safeguard him."

"I don't know Edward. They are more likely to protect each other than they would be to stand up for Jazz."

"Do you have any idea where the danger is coming from? Is it vampire?"

"I can't tell. My mind went to vampires as well, but only because Charlotte and Peter are involved. I have no concrete proof of anything."

"Can't you simply ask Jasper to keep in close contact with you?" I wondered.

"I can, and he will, but that doesn't help me get rid of this feeling."

"Why don't you suggest that you go with him?"

"I tried that. He told me no. He's willing enough to have me stay home to keep me safe but conveniently excludes himself from any potential danger."

"I'll talk to him when I get home tomorrow," I agreed, "but I doubt it will help."

"You're not coming home tonight?" she asked less than curiously.

"No. Charlie's out of town so I'll be staying here with Bella."

"Does Charlie know you'll be staying there with Bella?" she questioned.

"Do you want me to talk to Jasper?" I remonstrated.

"Sorry. You can't blame me for asking. I just want you two to be happy."

"We are happy."

"I know," she stated decidedly. She was watching Bella's future so meticulously that there was little doubt in my mind that Alice knew of the changes between Bella and me.

"If you know, then you don't need to ask the questions Alice," I pointed out. "Sometimes your grasp on the future is a little too close for comfort. If you want to know anything you're going to have to ask Bella. I refuse to get involved."

"Bella will tell me."

"That's her choice, now go away so I can get back to her," I suggested with a laugh.

"Sorry, right. I'll see you in the morning."

I snapped my phone shut and flipped it on to the bedside table, glad to be free of Alice's high-pitched complaints. Bella returned to me a few minutes later, still clad in my button down but with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She looked more appealing in my shirt than I ever had.

"You're back," I greeted, smiling at her.

"Did you miss me?" she asked, joyfully bounding on to the bed.

"I did," I assured her, reaching for her and pulling her to me.

"What did Alice want?" she asked, her nose wrinkled in curiosity.

"Jasper is travelling to Seattle tomorrow to visit some old friends. Alice is concerned that it's not safe for him to go."

"Why wouldn't it be safe for him?" she wondered.

"Just because he's going by himself I suppose. She has a bad feeling. Has that ever happened to you?"

"Yeah, I guess so, sort of like your intuition is trying to tell you something?"

"Yes exactly. That's why I started looking for you when you hurt yourself skiing. My intuition just told me something was off."

"Really?"

"Yes, even then I was attuned to you, and I couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong."

"Lucky for me," she offered.

"Lucky for me," I corrected. "But that is how Alice is feeling, that something is off, but she can't pinpoint it any more closely than that."

"Poor Alice. I would hate the idea of letting you go somewhere alone if I felt like that."

"Jasper can take care of himself. I'm sure she's worrying for nothing." I smoothed my hands along the back of Bella's thighs, letting them slide up underneath the shirttails of my button down and cover her buttocks. "Do you normally go bottomless?" I asked with a smirk.

"I guess you'll just have to sleep over more often if you want to find out," she teased.

"Well any time Charlie's out of town I just may have to take you up on that," I informed her immodestly.

"Promises, promises," she mocked.

"Come here," I commanded, persuading her towards my waiting lips. "I've missed those lips."

She pressed her mouth to mine, snuggling into my body and making herself comfortable. I rolled us both over on to our sides and deepened the kiss, never letting go of my hold on her body. It felt blasphemous to break our connection. Her tiny hands knit into my hair and pulled my head closer to hers. I could feel her weariness in her touch, weak and sluggish. As much as I hated to put an end to our night I knew she needed some rest.

"You should get some sleep I think," I suggested softly.

"We should get some sleep you mean?"

"I don't really sleep," I admitted, in an effort to be honest.

"Well maybe tonight I can help you sleep too. Will you hold me?"

"Of course. You're not even going to fight me?" I wondered, laughing lightly.

"See, I knew you'd expect me to fight you, so I decided not to. I've got to keep you on your toes," she teased. "Truthfully, I'm exhausted, and going to sleep in your arms sounds almost as heavenly as what we did earlier."

"I love it when you're agreeable." I couldn't help the laugh that escaped. I didn't think she'd give in so easily to my request. She must have been more tired than I realized.

"For you I can be almost anything," she informed me, stretching lazily along the length of my body and then snuggling into my side. I rolled on to my back to offer her more support and moved my arm up her body, letting it rest under her neck. She adjusted too, tucking her head into my chest a little more tightly and curling herself around the curve of my hip. "I could get used to this," I whispered contentedly.

"Me too," she whispered. "Promise you'll be here in the morning when I open my eyes?"

"I promise." My hand wandered her back, softly caressing her, trying to coax her to sleep.

"I love you." Her quiet voice was peaceful and happy.

"I love you too, more than anything." I pressed a gentle kiss to her hair and let my head fall back against the pillow. "Sleep well my angel."

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Please review. :o)


	35. Indulgence

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight and all of its character. I'm just playing with them like Play-Doh. No copyright infringement in intended.

Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing. You guys are so awesome and I appreciate it so much.

This chapter is pure indulgence on my part. I came up with the idea months ago, when the story idea was coined, and to be honest I started to think I couldn't fit it into the story. It seemed almost like the time for it had passed. And then I remembered it was my story and I could be indulgent if I wanted to be, so I was LOL, and this chapter is the result.

I've been writing ahead, this chapter and the next, and started the one following it to make sure I didn't cut the story in the wrong places. The story is in transition right now and I wanted to make sure it was right. It should mean some decently frequent updates now that I've got the story to a comfortable spot.

Please review!

This update if dedicated to _Gisela_. She knows why.

**From Bella's POV**…

* * *

His quiet voice woke me, hushed and bass against my ear. I didn't open my eyes.

"Bella, we have to wake up now."

I felt his cool breath on my skin, smelled his scent all around me.

"We'll be late for school if we don't get up," he warned quietly a few moments later.

One of his arms was curled around my waist, the other underneath my head. His muscled frame was tucked into the curves of my body.

"I have to go home to change before I can drive you to school."

I was still wearing his button down. He was wearing nothing at all. I could feel the coolness of his skin against my thighs.

"I know you can hear me," he informed me smugly.

I kept my eyes closed and didn't react outwardly in any way.

"Bella," he prompted softly, "if you don't open your eyes then I'm going to have to be very ungentlemanly and lay my cold hands on some very warm part of your body, like here." His cool hands cupped my ass gently, and I gasped. "That's what I thought," he added.

I giggled softly. "You can't honestly believe that any part of me wants to get up and leave this bed."

"I know," he whispered, pressing a kiss to my ear in understanding. "I don't want to leave it either, but I hardly think we can call into school with the excuse of staying in bed all day to be intimate," he said decidedly, laughing. "Well, not unless you think Charlie would be okay with that excuse?"

I covered my face with my hands as I felt the blush starting. "No, not okay," I mumbled. "Charlie would kick my ass. Hell, Charlie would probably kick your ass."

"He's gone for two more days?" Edward wondered quietly.

"Yes, until Saturday night or Sunday morning he said."

"Well that gives us twenty-four hours straight to stay in bed once the school day is finished," he declared impishly.

"Do you really have to go home?"

"A fresh change of clothing and a quick shower is all I need."

"You could stay here and shower with me?" It sounded like a fabulous idea as far as I was concerned.

"I think that might be a tiny bit distracting from the process of getting clean."

"Maybe, but a whole lot more fun than showering alone."

"True," he allowed, "but also a lot more apt to make us late for school."

"You're not very much fun," I announced, rolling over to look at him. I had forgotten how handsome he was. The images in my head never did him the justice he deserved. When his caramel coloured eyes met mine, they were gentle and loving and took my breath away.

"What's wrong?"

"You're the absolute best thing to wake up to. I forgot how handsome you are, just how much I love you, until I looked at you," I admitted honestly.

He smiled in understanding. "I feel the same way; every time I look at you I still can't believe you're mine."

"Do you promise me we'll pick right back up where we stopped this morning?"

"What do mean?"

"In this bed, clothing optional?"

He laughed quietly. "I promise, although I'd be just as happy to take your clothes off. Practise makes perfect, remember?"

Since I was wearing his shirt, I sat up and started to unbutton it so I could give it back to him.

"Keep it," he urged.

"I can't take your shirt," I explained. "Your parents are going to think I'm cruel if you walk in with no shirt on. Shit! What are your parents going to say when you take your walk of shame this morning?"

"My parents don't really keep tabs on me very closely. They may not even have noticed that I was missing, and even if they have, they won't think anything. I'm an adult in their eyes and treated accordingly."

"Wow, that's pretty lucky."

"Carlisle and Esme are very considerate and supportive parents."

"And then some! Seriously, you have no idea how lucky you are!"

"Yes I do," he corrected. "I have you, and that makes me the luckiest man in the world."

"Awww, aren't you sweet?" I chirped, blushing lightly.

"Keep the shirt, please? It looks better on you anyway."

"No, it's yours."

I sat up and started to unbutton it, and Edward's arms encircled my body, finessing my hands away from the buttons and pulling my arms behind my back.

"Bella," he whispered softly, "I can guarantee we won't make it to school on time if you unbutton that shirt."

"Is that a dare?"

"Not a dare as much as a plea. An entire day of school without you is going to be hard enough without a fresh visual," he explained, laughing lightly at the end.

"Sorry," I offered, laughing right along with him. As embarrassing as it must have been for Edward to admit his apprehension to me, I appreciated it. I was right there with him, completely and utterly affected by him, and I respected him more for being able to admit it to me rather than trying to hide it.

"Why don't you go take your shower, and I'll let myself out."

I nodded and crawled out of bed, wandering into the hallway and then the bathroom. I didn't really want to focus on getting ready, knowing I would spend the whole day without him. I brushed my teeth and then started the water for my shower running, sitting on the edge of the tub and checking the water's temperature with my hand. Edward's appearance in the doorway caught my attention. He'd brought my robe for me.

"It's going to be a long day without you today," I mumbled, looking at him in earnestness.

He came in and bent down on one knee to be at my eye level before he spoke. "You won't be without me, and we have our time after school to look forward to."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like a brat."

"You sound like a woman in love," he corrected softly.

"You always make me sound so much better than I am." I kissed him on the cheek. "Go on. Skedaddle...before I pull you into this shower with me."

"I'll be back before you're done to drive you to school," he assured me, kissing my forehead.

"Not if I see you first," I joked. I watched him walk away before remembering I was still wearing his shirt. "Edward, wait," I called, quickly slipping out of his shirt and into my robe. "Your shirt."

"Why won't you keep it?" he wondered, seeming a tiny bit hurt.

"I don't want to steal the shirt off your back. Bring me one for later maybe, a spare one. I can model it for you," I teased.

"All right."

*****

It felt a little sacrilegious to wash the remnants of Edward off my skin in the shower. I spent the minimum amount of time under the water, just a quick wash and rinse, in-and-out sort of deal. By the time I finished my hair and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard for some cereal, Edward was already back, grinning his crooked grin at me. He waited patiently for me to eat and then drove me to school. I didn't bother to notice if anyone was watching when he walked me to English. I didn't think to listen to the whispers. Edward was all I saw.

He picked me up after Government and walked me to Trig. I'm pretty sure it was to make sure Jessica left me alone. He was there at the door after Trig and walked me to Spanish, and after Spanish he was waiting to take me to lunch. I grabbed a juice and an apple, and we went outside to eat. I didn't want to share him with anyone.

"How was your morning?" he asked once we'd settled on to a patch of damp grass.

"Boring."

"Boring?" he questioned, searching out an explanation.

"Okay, maybe not boring as much as unable to hold my attention. If you'd been in my head, you would have seen that the only thing in my head was you." He smiled, seemingly pleased by my obsession with him.

"The morning did seem longer than normal," he admitted. "At least our next class is together."

"Yeah. Most of our class will be gone to Port Angeles for the blood drive."

"Oh, that's right. You didn't sign up?"

"No. Me and blood aren't friendly." He laughed awkwardly so I tried to explain further. "I faint at the sight of blood, especially my own. Just no..." I shook my head emphatically to convey my utter disgust.

"You faint at the _sight_ of blood?" he questioned sarcastically.

"It's not just the sight. It's the smell too."

"You can't smell blood, Bella," he corrected.

"Maybe you can't, but I can. It's gross - sour and metallic. Just thinking about it upsets my stomach." I didn't understand the look on his face. "What?"

"Nothing," he mumbled, and changed the subject. "So I guess that means a substitute teacher in biology?"

"Maybe...I don't know," I admitted, pondering the options. "Either way we're guaranteed another boring hour."

"Yes, but at least we can be bored together."

I put my juice down and reached out for him, stretching my fingers out along the back of his hand and up his wrist.

"I missed you this morning."

"You did look a little sad all morning," he conceded.

"You were watching?"

"I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable. It's perfectly natural to be worried about your partner's well-being. It just happens that I don't have to worry. I can check periodically to see how you're doing myself."

"If I told you it made me uncomfortable, would you stop?" I wondered.

"I suppose I would curtail the number of times I checked, but no, I wouldn't stop entirely."

"I guess it's good that I don't mind then, as long as you're willing to admit that you're totally wrapped around my finger."

"Completely," he agreed without hesitation.

"And that you adore the ground I walk on."

"Worship even," he offered, picking up my hand and kissing it.

"I think we should retire from school and just do this - sit around and enjoy each other's company."

"Wouldn't that be lovely? Perhaps when you're eighteen we could take a vacation together, just the two of us?"

"Why not until I'm eighteen?"

"Because Charlie couldn't object. You'd legally be an adult."

"Oh, I see. When is your birthday?"

"June twentieth. When's yours?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"You're not going to tell me when your birthday is?" he complained.

"I hate birthdays - all the photographs and cake and shit. You know I hate attention."

"Perhaps you'll feel differently this year, with so many to celebrate with you."

"Who? You and Charlie?"

"Well yes, Charlie and myself and my family - Alice and my parents and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie."

"Oh, of course. How could I forget?" I retorted, snorting. "As soon as you get Rosalie to throw me a birthday party I'll tell you my birth date."

"Very funny."

"Hey, I'm serious. I'll get over my dislike of all things attention as soon as Blondie throws me a shindig."

"Nothing like setting me up to beat impossible odds. Never fear though. I have a few tricks up my sleeve too. Rosalie can be as stubborn as you, but she's not above bribery or blackmail."

"You'd blackmail your own sister?"

"I could do almost anything to get what I want for you," he declared, smiling as proudly as a peacock.

"I should have kept my mouth shut," I snarked. "Kissing gets me in less trouble."

"I wouldn't say that. It got you in plenty of trouble last night."

"Hey! It got both of us into trouble," I corrected, laughing. "Trouble's never been so appealing."

"Addictive even."

"Is it time to go home yet?"

"Not yet; biology first. Shall we go?"

"Sure." He helped me get to my feet, handing me my crutches, and we headed off to class. "If we were smart, we'd just skip right over the last two classes like we did yesterday."

"Yesterday had a rather rough start. Perhaps if we attend our scheduled classes we can go directly to the part where we're happy together?"

"You've got a good point there, but you can't say it didn't have a hell of an ending." I sighed. "Oh well, it's only two more hours."

*****

The biology room was deserted when we got there, lights off and no other students in the room. Edward and I took our seats, wondering if we were the only two students that didn't sign up for the blood drive. Lee Stephens wandered in a couple of minutes later, squashing that theory. He looked like a squeamish kind of guy. I bet he fainted at the sight of blood too. The principal arrived a few moments after Lee, pulling a television and VCR into the room behind him. He explained that the three of us were the only students who weren't participating in the blood drive and that he felt we could be trusted to watch a movie quietly without 'necessitating a substitute teacher.' He started the tape, turned off the lights and disappeared without another word. 'The Elephant Man' began to play. I recognized the actors in the credits - Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Hurt, Anne Bancroft and John Gielgud. Classic film. Too bad there wasn't a single bone in my body that wanted to watch it.

After the room went dark, I slid my stool over to get as close to Edward as I could. Lee was three rows up and watching the screen intently. He probably didn't even remember we were there. Edward smiled at me and then looked towards the television.

"At least it's a decent movie," he whispered matter-of-factly.

"There's a movie on?" I answered.

He snickered but kept his eyes forward. I had no idea how he was paying attention. The darkness of the room seemed to increase the voltage of our bizarre electricity, and I could hardly fight his pull. He was the only thing that could hold my attention.

"Bella, you're staring," he pointed out.

"Am I?" I dropped my hand onto his thigh and used my thumb to rub his leg. I could feel the tingling in my fingers before I even made contact with his body.

"Looking to get into trouble?" he asked with a smirk.

"Actually, I am," I admitted. Waiting another two hours to touch him seemed like too great a sacrifice. Maybe the reason I couldn't fight his pull was because I didn't want to. I slid my hand up his thigh, watching his face intently for any sign that I was going too far, because I would go too far; it was just a matter of time. The only thing that would stop me would be Edward's protests, and even then I was prepared to challenge him.

My hand was high on his leg, and there had been no reaction from Edward so I let it slip to his inner thigh and caressed it gently. Edward cleared his throat and shot me a sideways glance. A warning, I'm sure, but I had no plans to comply with it.

I pushed him further, letting my hand stray up and stroke him with just the right amount of pressure to get his attention. I felt him harden under my hand - probably not the best thing to be focused on when I was already in the mood to misbehave. Edward's head turned towards me. He tried his best to look disapprovingly at me, but he couldn't mask the lust in his eyes.

"Bella, there is plenty of time for that later," he hinted.

"I say there's no time like the present." I kept my voice quiet and leaned into his ear while I spoke, maintaining the pressure and stroke of my hand. I heard him swallow hard and watched as his eyelids fluttered closed for a moment.

"Perhaps later would be more appropriate," he suggested, his voice rough and low.

"I wouldn't say that. In fact, I'd say this is completely appropriate. We're in a dark room, we're alone, and there is no adult supervision threatening to bust through the door at an inopportune time." I wondered if he could hear the want in my voice, even through my hushed tone.

"We're not alone. Lee is here."

"Lee-schmee. Lee's absorbed by The Elephant Man. Lee's probably forgotten we're back here."

"Bella," he warned. His hand covered mine and stilled it.

"Just enjoy it." I held his gaze while I spoke, trying to project my willingness to continue.

"That's hardly the point." His voice was at odds with his words, an edge of desire hidden between the syllables.

"No, that's _exactly_ the point," I contradicted softly, pulling my hand out from under his and gently persuading his hand out of the way.

"Bella, we're in a classroom. This is scarcely a befitting place." I could hear the ambiguity in his tone and should have felt guilty for using it against him, but I didn't.

"Oh, live a little. You did say you wanted to be my slave." I whispered in my most seductive voice, allowing my lips to graze his earlobe while I spoke, and then let my hand graze him again.

"You're incorrigible!" he murmured. The laugh that followed was deep and quiet, so provocative that it made me feel sexy.

"Can you say it doesn't feel good?" I charged, smugly confident that he couldn't deny it.

He closed his eyes and sighed softly. "No, I can't."

"Then just enjoy it."

He turned his body towards mine and leaned on the desk, propping himself up on his elbow. He had the strangest expression on his face - a mix of pleasure and lust with little hints of annoyance sprinkled around his features. I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from laughing.

"You poor baby," I teased, purring quietly into his ear. "You have to sit in a dark room with your girlfriend while she gets you off in the middle of class. I'm sure you'd get tons of pity from the other boys."

"I'm not looking for pity," he whispered, smirking. "If anything, I'm looking for privacy."

"Did you want to sneak to the supply closet?" I offered impishly, pressing my fingertips against him.

"I think I opened Pandora's box yesterday."

"What? I'm not supposed to want to touch you anymore? Once was enough?" I asked innocently.

"Hardly," he admitted, chuckling. "But the privacy of your bedroom seems a little more welcoming."

"What if we were killed on the way home? We would die having spent only one night together. At least this way you'll have gotten two orgasms for the price of one," I snarked.

"You'd die happier that way?"

"Much."

"Well then don't let me interrupt your happiness."

"Our happiness," I corrected, leaning towards his ear as I spoke.

I pressed my palm against him indulgently and felt the rush of air against my neck as he hissed. My eyes darted to the front of the classroom to see if Lee heard Edward, but luckily Lee was absorbed by the movie. Apparently Lee was squeamish and deaf. I let my fingers curl around Edward and moved my hand up and down him slowly, watching his face for a reaction. He tilted his head towards me, leaning into the space between our bodies. It seemed to be a natural response for both of us to close the distance between us. I wondered if it was his way of seeking privacy, to keep us as close to each other as we could manage sitting next to one another. I leaned into his body too. Pressed shoulder-to-shoulder didn't seem close enough. Now my shoulder crossed into his chest, and I leaned into it, just to increase the intimacy of our connection. Edward's lips found my ear.

"You have no idea how good that feels," he murmured. I smiled triumphantly, pleased that Edward was enjoying my touch.

"I might have a little idea," I hinted, pressing my palm against his arousal firmly.

I continued to stroke him, moving my hand faster than I probably should have been, spurred on by the danger of our situation and the power of Edward's reaction to my touch. His jeans were pissing me off. I couldn't touch him the way I wanted to through the thick fabric, but I knew I was already pushing it with what I was doing. If I tried to unzip his pants and expose him further, he'd shut me down. I wanted him to feel pleasure, not be angry with me, but I wouldn't accomplish that without more intimate contact.

I let my hand drift up and burrowed it under his t-shirt, grazing the cool skin of his stomach with my fingertips before slipping them past the waistband of his jeans and boxers and down on to his hard on. His fingers clenched the edge of the desk, and I heard a sharp cracking sound. Edward lay his head on his arm and let his upper body rest against the desk. With his free arm, he reached around my back and pulled me against his body, sliding his fingers along the skin of my lower back. My instincts told me he wanted me to continue, even though I wasn't sure what was going on. Suddenly, I was flooded with remorsefulness, realizing I'd given no thought to his control when I formulated my dirty little plan.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered regretfully. "I should have warned you. Did you want me to stop?"

He didn't raise his head or speak a single word to me. Instead he dug his fingers down the back of my jeans and shamelessly squeezed my ass as his answer. It was all the authorization I needed to continue.

There wasn't much room for my hand to work, but I used what I had to the best of my ability. I coiled my fingers around him tightly and slid my hand up and down him. I could feel his fingers tightening on my ass with each stroke. A part of me wished I had done what Edward suggested and waited for the privacy of my bedroom because I was aching for his touch too.

His knuckles had gone white, the skin of his fingers stretched taut as they gripped the edge of the desk. He was rigid and unnaturally silent as my hand worked him. If I didn't know better, I would swear he wasn't even breathing. My hand sped with short, fast strokes. Every few passes, I'd run my hand down and up the full length of him, and each time, he would press against my hand in response. Every time he did, I had to bite my lip to keep myself quiet. My body was fully aroused and ready for him, and he had barely laid a finger on me.

I let my fingers stretch out and curl back with each movement of my hand, trying to increase the friction and urge him on. My palm tightened around his tip with each stroke, relentlessly teasing him. I knew he was close because his fingers weren't digging into my skin anymore. He was retreating inwards, fighting the end, not because he didn't want release but because he was trying to control himself. I listened for his breathing and couldn't find it. He must have been holding his breath.

I moved my hand as fast as I could, ignoring the cramping I felt. The only thing I wanted was his end. I let my palm drop right onto his tip and rubbed it brazenly. His fingers dug into my skin with one last grasp, and I felt his body shudder and explode in my hand. He let go of a big gush of air followed by a series of shallow pants that echoed off the desk, and I felt him still under my fingers. I stroked him softly a couple of times up and down his entire length and then let him go, sliding my hand out of his pants and putting my arm around the back of him. I didn't care if anyone came in and found me hugging him. I just wanted to be connected to him.

He was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. I was beginning to think I'd really blown it with him, that I'd pushed him too far and made him angry, and I was about to apologize when he finally spoke.

"You are going to pay dearly for this after school," he whispered, finally raising his head from the desk to look at me. "In fact, you're lucky there's no way I could do that to you covertly right now."

"There's always the supply closet."

"Why rush it when the anticipation for the next hour and a half will work you up every bit as much as I will?"

"So that's how you're going to play it, is it? I give, and you withhold?"

"I wouldn't say withholding as much as letting your own preoccupation with what is to come set you atingle."

"Well, my preoccupation only matters if you can deliver, Romeo."

"Fear not. I will...what is the expression..._bring it_?"

I covered my mouth to muffle my laughter. Anyone else could have used the expression, and it would have sounded fine, but coming from Edward Cullen and about his sexual prowess, it just sounded funny. Then again, I was sure a lot of my expressions sounded strange to him too.

"It's a deal." I leaned in and kissed him quickly, pulling back before he could object. "I'm just going to go to the washroom. I'll be right back."

I hurried to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I hardly recognized the face looking back at me. My cheeks were a little bit flushed, and my eyes were warm and bright. I looked happy, not like the girl who had moved to Forks a few months prior. I was happy, and I was happy because of Edward and his amazing love. If he could salvage me and bring me out of the hell I'd arrived here in, then didn't that say something about the strength of our love? I pondered the thought as I walked back to class. I was sure it had to say something.

I scooted in next to Edward, smiling. "I thought about grabbing your lap as a seat, but I didn't want to upset you."

"It wouldn't have upset me," he assured me. "I like it when you're close to me."

"Me too," I echoed.

I lay my arms across the tabletop and rested my head on them, pretending to watch the television while I leaned into Edward and enjoyed our buzzing energy. It just felt more natural to be physically connected to him. Edward kept his arm around the back of me, softly caressing my lower back. The class ended unceremoniously; we all just got up and left when the bell rang. Edward turned off the VCR and TV on his way by and closed the door behind him. It would go down as the best biology class in history, save for the day I fell in love with him. In hindsight, what felt like the worst day of my life was really the beginning of living.

Edward walked me to gym, glancing and smiling at me now and again. I wasn't sure if he was thinking about what happened in biology or planning what he would do to me later, but either way, he was happy and excited. It made me fall a little bit more in love with him seeing him so cheerful. Understanding that I had a lot to do with his joy evoked the same eruption of foreign emotion inside me that I felt last night. It was how I felt when I realized that Edward understood the same way I did that our love was the most important thing, not fear or secrets or anything else that might have seemed important along the way. We were together - not a couple, but one, a single entity. Nothing could touch us unless we let it. There was a choice in all of this - the choice to make it work regardless of what obstacles we faced.

I took a deep breath and blew it out as my thoughts started to fall into place. The emotion I was feeling threatened to take over and spill out. He loved me, and I loved him, and nothing was ever going to change that - not my insecurities or his secret. We were strong enough to withstand both. I stopped at the gym doors and turned towards him, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand so my tears wouldn't spill over and worry Edward.

"Bella, what is it?" he asked quietly.

"Faith." It was faith - faith and understanding. It was belief and trust and love and strength and relinquishment. It was a million things that came together and made us what we were.

"Faith?"

"I know we had plans after school, but would you mind very much if we changed them?" I pleaded softly.

"You know you can have anything you want. Are you okay, Bella? You were so happy a moment ago, and now..." His voice trailed off, and he ran his thumb under my eye to dry my lashes that were left wet by my almost tears.

"They're happy tears," I professed. "I'm ready, Edward."

"Ready? Ready for what?"

"Can you tell me your secret after school?"

Edward swallowed hard and looked at me worriedly. "Are you sure you're ready? I don't want you to feel any pressure. I promised you time, and I meant it. You can have all the time you need."

"I don't need any more time, Edward. I'm ready."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly. "After school then," he agreed with a nod.

I watched him walk away before I headed into the gym, wishing the hour would pass by quickly. I felt so much lighter than I'd felt in so long. There was no more fear. There was nothing but happiness.

* * *

**A/N:** Please review!!!


	36. Misdirection

**A/N:** I am not lucky enough to be Stephenie Meyer and own even a teensy tiny bit of Twilight beyond owning the books and the blu-ray, but Twilight owns my soul. No copyright infringement is intended.

I am void of witty repartee tonight. I am still writing ahead, making sure the chapters tie back to one another. This is the first of probably four chapters in this part of the story. Enjoy :o)

**From Edward's POV**…

* * *

Bella was ready to hear my secret.

I walked away from her a bit shaken. I owed her the truth. She deserved to know it, needed to know it in fact, but still, in the face of admission, my fear crescendoed. I found myself wishing that I had taken Bella's suggestion to skip our last two hours of class. Knowing that Bella was ready was enough to drive me mad. I didn't need any extra time to worry and work myself up further. I was sufficiently anxious as it was.

Spanish was a blur. I rarely paid attention under normal circumstances, but today Mrs. Goff could have easily caught me unprepared if she had called on me. Emmett's continuous mental blathering was nothing more than white noise. My thoughts were centred on Bella - on her happiness and well-being, and my own fear. She meant everything to me. The idea of hurting her was like a seeping wound, forever raw and incapable of healing, and I would hurt her. I reminded myself over and over again that our love was strong and that we could survive this, that she loved me enough to forgive me my nature, but my negativity bled through. Instead I shifted my focus to Bella's strength. She had survived the direst of circumstances after losing her mother. If anyone could learn of my nature and deal with it, it would be Bella. She was one of the strongest people I'd ever known. She loved me, needed me. Surely that was enough to keep us together? Perhaps, in some small way, I had helped her with coming out of the darkness she was lost in when her mother passed. Didn't that say something of the strength of our love?

Alice was practically screaming at me to get my attention. My head snapped up in surprise, expecting to see her standing beside me; her voice had become so loud. She wasn't there. It was all in my head.

_'Edward, I've lost contact with Jasper, and I can't find him now. It's got to be related to my vision. I have to go to Seattle, and I need you to come with me and help me find him. Please, Edward? You're the only one who can help me.'_

I searched the hazy images that Alice's mind flipped through. It was as if Jasper had just dropped off the face of the Earth. One minute he was everywhere, in every thought Alice had, and then, in the blink of an eye, he had vanished. The last images she had were of Jasper taking off in a sprint after something. She couldn't see what or who it was; only the blurring image of Jasper's silhouette as he pursued some phantom threat.

For the first time ever, I fully understood Alice's overwhelming dread. The idea of something happening to Bella evoked horror in me. The lack of answers, the worrying, the fear, how it would feel to lose half of yourself - it was all familiar to me now. If only I had taken Alice's side and spoken more firmly to Jasper this morning, then perhaps I could have prevented her terror. I had to help her find him. It was the only choice. Bella would understand.

Alice met me outside my class, and I gave her my compliance. I asked her to wait in the car for me and went to find Bella to explain.

Bella looked overtly and excessively pleased to see me when she came out of the locker room. I felt a pang of regret. It pained me to know I would disappoint her, even if she would understand.

"Hey, Romeo," she greeted me cheerfully.

"Hello." I leaned towards her and kissed her cheek softly. "I'm so very sorry, Bella, but I have to cancel our plans. Jasper has disappeared, and Alice has asked for my help in locating him. She's waiting in the car for me already."

"Wh-wh-what?" she stuttered, confused. "What happened to Jasper?"

"We don't know. Alice can't seem to...get a hold of him."

"He's not answering his phone?"

"No."

"Well I'll come with you. An extra set of eyes can't hurt."

"No, Bella," I objected. "It might be dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you."

"It might be dangerous?" she echoed fearfully. "You're heading into a dangerous situation, and you won't let me come?"

"I know you'd rather help, and I understand your concern, but I can't allow you to come when I have no idea what we're even up against."

"What you're up against? Edward, what aren't you telling me?" My mask slipped, and Bella saw the fear in my eyes. As always, her considerable observational skills were astute at the most inconvenient times.

_'Tell her, Edward,'_ Alice's voice commanded in my head.

"Come with me to the car, Bella. Alice can help explain."

Bella started shuffling towards the parking lot without another word to me. I could see the distress on her face. I wasn't at all sure I wanted Bella to hear what Alice wanted to say, but it was Alice's problem. I had to trust that Alice would respect the boundaries I had set up between Bella and me. I opened the car door for Bella and gave her my hand so she could slide into the front seat easily, and went around to the driver's side and got in.

"What is going on, Alice?" Bella asked. "What's happened to Jasper?"

"I wish I knew, Bella. I have something I need to tell you."

"Okay."

"You know how Edward can read minds?"

"Yes."

"Well, he's not the only one with a special gift."

"You can read minds, too?" Bella blurted, surprised.

"No. I can...well...I can sort of see the future."

I shot a glare at Alice, warning her to be cautious.

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"What is it with you Cullens?" Bella asked, laughing. "Can Emmett fly and Jasper turn invisible?" My eyes widened. Did nothing catch her off guard?

"No, it's just Edward and I that have extra special abilities."

"So is that how you know something's happened to Jasper?"

"Yes, but I don't know for sure that something has happened to him. My visions are transitory and sometimes vague. What I see is always changing based on the decisions people make. There are so many things that can change with one decision, and so many decisions that can be a part of a single moment. I only know what the last thing I saw was, namely Jasper chasing something and disappearing."

"Wow," Bella exclaimed, blowing out a big breath of air. I picked up her hand and rubbed it softly, trying to soothe her. She didn't seem tense about what Alice had told her, but I wasn't completely sure she wasn't holding it in, trying to appear brave to prove that she could handle coming with us.

"I'm sorry to take Edward away and ruin your plans, Bella, but between his gift and mine, we'll be able to find Jasper much more easily."

"Alice will be searching for Jasper's future, and I can search people's thoughts to see if anyone is thinking about him," I clarified.

"Why isn't it safe?" Bella asked hoarsely.

Alice glared at me angrily. '_Why haven't you told her yet?_'

I shot her back a scowl to tell her to stay out of it.

"I may not hear the conversation, but I can still tell you're having one," Bella declared sharply.

"Sorry," I offered sincerely. "Alice was just wondering why I haven't told you my secret yet."

"That's my fault, Alice," Bella admitted. "Edward wanted to tell me, and I wasn't ready to hear it, and even though we were going to talk about it today after school, obviously given the fact that Jasper is missing, it can wait until after you guys get back."

"I'm not sure that is the best choice," Alice said.

"It's Bella's choice, not yours," I charged.

"You might be right, Alice. It may not be the best choice, but considering the circumstances, it's the right choice. You guys don't need to waste time sitting around talking to me when Jasper could be in trouble. The secret can wait until you guys get back. I've been in the dark this long. A few more hours won't hurt anything."

"It will help you understand the thing with Jasper better," Alice explained.

"Alice, will you mind your own business," I growled.

_'Why are you so apprehensive about this. She loves you. She will understand.'_

"I've made my mind up, Alice," Bella stated decidedly, turning to look at me. "Edward will wait until he gets home to tell me his secret. End of story."

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "If you're ready to talk to me, I'm more than ready to speak to you."

"I'm sure, Edward. This is Jasper's safety we're talking about. You should probably drive me home so you two can get on the road. Hopefully the faster you get there, the faster you can come back to me."

I did as Bella asked, starting the engine and easing the car out of its parking spot before turning to look at her.

"I'm sorry about this, Bella. It's horrible timing."

"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just is." I thought I could hear a note of sadness in her tone. I knew she meant her sentiment sincerely, but I also knew that Bella struggled with universal decisions that were out of her hands. She didn't like to have her choices made by others.

'_Walk Bella inside and take your time with her, Edward. She needs you right now, whether she admits it or not._'

I glanced in the rear view mirror and blinked at Alice to say thank you. Even though I was already fairly certain that Bella was simply putting on a brave face, having confirmation of it made my path easier to navigate.

I pulled into her driveway and went around to help her out, following behind her on the path and inside the house once she opened the door. She left her crutches against the wall and hobbled into the living room, flopping down heavily on to the couch.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk right now?"

"I'm sure," she said quietly. It didn't convince me even a tiny amount.

"Alice will understand. She could even head to Seattle on her own, and I could follow her after we talk," I suggested.

"I really don't think this is a conversation that can be rushed. I mean...it's something serious, right?"

She looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded. "Yes, it is."

"Well, then I think it would be best to talk when you have more time, not when you're worried about helping Alice. I might have questions, and we may need to talk for a while. Alice deserves your full attention. I don't want you to be distracted, worrying about me, when you should be concentrating on Jasper."

I'd never seen Bella's selfless side before - it was another reason to admire her, that she could put aside her own concerns when her friend was in need. I sat down beside her and put both of my arms around her, pulling her to me. "As much as helping Alice and Jasper means to me, you mean so much more."

"I know," she whispered. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her voice, dysphoric.

"It's okay to put your own needs first, you know," I coaxed gently.

"I'm just worried," she admitted. "If Jasper is in danger, then...then you might be in danger, too."

"I won't be in danger. I'm not even convinced Jasper is in danger. I'm helping Alice because I understand how frightened she is. If I didn't know where you were...if I couldn't find you...if something terrible happened to you...I don't think I could go on living."

"Don't say that," Bella petitioned softly. "If anything ever happened to me, I would want you to be happy, even if it was with someone else."

"You're kinder than I am," I granted. "It would be excruciating to see you with someone else, not that I wouldn't respect your wishes if I was no longer your choice. So while I can wish for your forever happiness, I would have great difficulty knowing you found it with someone other than me."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to see you with someone else. Fuck no! I meant if something happened to me, like if I died."

"I know that's what you meant."

"Then what did you mean?" she asked, her expression confused.

"I spoke out of turn. It's a conversation for another time."

"You mean if I left you because of your secret," she whispered soulfully.

"To a degree..." I couldn't say more without upsetting her further. In this case, although I hated to, I had to let her believe in her conclusion. I would correct her as soon as I returned, let her know what I was, about my mortality and my abilities and every other thing she needed or wanted to know about me.

"Promise me that you'll come back to me," she begged, finally looking up at me with wide eyes. She didn't try to edit or hide her emotion from me. She was truly afraid for me.

"Look at me, Bella. I _promise_ you that I will come back to you," I pledged earnestly. "There is _nothing_ that will keep me from you." I didn't have to be able to read her mind to understand that she didn't believe me, even though she wanted to, more than anything.

"Promise me you'll be careful? That you won't do anything dangerous?"

"Nothing dangerous. I will be very careful, I swear. Please don't worry, Bella. I'm really very resilient. It would take a great deal to bring me down."

"I don't care how strong or resilient you think you are. The only thing I care about is getting you back in one piece safely.

"One piece, open arms outstretched to you, I promise. Now will you make me a promise?"

"If I can," she edited.

"It's not much," I told her, smiling.

"What?"

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and slipped it into her tiny hand. "Keep my phone with you. Alice's cell is programmed in, and that way you will be able to reach me whenever you need me, night or day."

"Don't you mean so that you will be able to reach me?" she joked, a faint flush on her cheeks.

"You caught me," I admitted. "But it does work both ways. I think you'll worry less if you can get a hold of me, and I know I will feel better if I have a way to talk to you regardless of where you are." I let my thumb brush along her cheekbone and stroke the beautiful colour on her skin. I knew that she was having trouble controlling her emotions, that she was touched by my gesture, so rather than tease her, as I normally would have, I just held her gaze intently, trying to will my assuredness to her. This was not a time to push her when she was clearly having trouble with letting me go. In truth, I was having the same sort of trouble. I just wasn't sure if I should let her see it.

"I will feel better," she conceded. "And since I don't have a phone of my own, then I will happily keep yours. It will be nice to have a little piece of you with me no matter where I go."

"You always have my heart, too," I whispered.

She nodded and smiled, too emotional to speak. "Now go. Alice is waiting for you."

"Just one more thing..." I leaned in and placed my lips on hers, kissing her softly, reverently, lovingly. I could feel her malcontent and misgivings in the way her tight lips pressed against mine, sedulous and devoted, seeking further guarantees. I kissed her back indulgently, letting her emotions control my mouth. When she pushed her tongue out, I eagerly met it, pressing against it ardently, giving her every assurance I had to offer with it. Her tiny hands flew to my neck and gripped it tightly. As much as it made me want to give in and lose control, I knew that if I did, it would only make things harder for Bella. Her emotions were already getting the better of her. I held back my own desires and let her take what she needed from me.

Her hands were incautious and vehement on my neck, pulling my face ever closer to hers. Her nose was already buried in my cheek, yet her fingers still urged me closer. I knew she was worried, but did not understand how desperately so until I felt her tears against my cheeks.

"Bella, it's going to be fine. I wouldn't lie to you," I promised with an intense whisper, drying her tears with my thumbs.

She swatted at my hands, pushing her mouth at me and crushing her lips to mine. I pulled her into my lap and curled my hands around her waist, holding her close to my body, kissing her back with an equal intensity and doing my best to answer her unasked questions - to acknowledge her apprehension, squelch her fears and satisfy her need for a physical connection to me. I'd never seen her so restive and tormented with regard to me. Normally my touch was a calming influence, but today it seemed to have the opposite effect.

Bella continued to kiss me, her tiny hands pressing against my neck while her lips assailed mine. There was none of the normal tenderness she showed me, only anxiety and turmoil. There was something in her kiss, a mixture of vague familiarity and foreign newness, beyond the desperation and restlessness, and more than the intensity that she was trying to ascribe it as. A sudden feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed me. It was the way her lips pressed against mine, the way her hands knit into my hair, the way she clung to me - it was like the night of our dinner date when I was late to meet her. This kiss had the same onerous edge to it. My mind raced, trying to determine what was going on in Bella's head and what she meant by her kiss. That night I had tried to get past her anger by pushing my affection on to her, and while she accepted it, her belief was that her affection was all I was after. She didn't trust that my feelings for her were true or even real. The pieces fell into place. Not only was she fearful of the dangerous situation she felt I was going in to, she truly believed that I was not coming back to her. She was saying goodbye with this kiss, as she had that night.

"Bella," I murmured, forcibly pulling her hands off my neck and easing her back. "This isn't goodbye."

"You don't know that, Edward. Anything can happen. You said yourself that Jasper might be in danger."

"That's not what I meant, Bella, not the way you're defining it anyway," I soothed, smoothing my hand along her beautiful face. "The worst danger Jasper is in is what Alice might do to him for not listening to her." I laughed lightly, trying to show her that she didn't need to worry. "I swear to you. Do you really think I'd let Alice go into a dangerous situation? After you, she's my best friend. I wouldn't allow her anywhere near a potential menace. Jasper would have my hide if I did."

"Really?" she rasped, rubbing her red tear-stained cheeks with fisted hands.

"Truly. If I could stop Alice from going, I would, but she's right - we'll find Jasper more quickly working together. Jasper is to Alice what you are to me - a once in a lifetime love. The chance that he is in any real danger is almost insignificant, unless you're one half of the whole that it's happening to. Alice is unsure and afraid, and all she wants is for Jasper to be okay. She won't rest until she sees him with her own eyes. She knows he's not in any real danger, at least deep down. It's the not knowing that is driving her to desperation. I will return to you, along with Jasper and Alice, and we'll all be perfectly unharmed. You'll see."

"I'm sorry," she croaked, pressing a kiss to my mouth. Her lips were a soft pout, relaxed and sweet and everything her previous kiss was not.

"No, I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to worry you so vehemently."

"You should go," she murmured quietly, looking away from me. "Alice is waiting for you."

"I don't need to go until you're ready, Bella. I'm much more worried about how you're doing than whether Alice is upset with me."

"I'd be chomping at the bit to go if I were her. You should go. I'll be okay."

"Will you?" I wondered aloud.

"It will never be easy for me to let you go," she admitted in a hushed voice.

"Nor me, you." I pressed a kiss to her forehead in understanding. "I don't like to be away from you, and the distance that will separate us tonight will make the anguish all the worse."

"Come back to me," she murmured, kissing me softly.

"I will," I promised, kissing her back.

She slipped off my lap and walked me to the door. Her brave face had returned, but she didn't look nearly as brave as she thought she did. I could still see the remnants of fear in her beautiful eyes.

"Why don't you go take a bath?" I suggested. "It might help you relax."

"That's a good idea," she agreed, smiling. "I love you."

She pushed up on to her toes, stretching as tall as she could to kiss me. I bent to her. She wasn't tall enough to reach me, even fully stretched out, and I wasn't willing to give up a single kiss from her.

"I love you too. Call me if you need me, even if it's just to make sure I'm okay, and try not to worry. Think happy thoughts. We'll be reunited soon."

"Soon," she echoed.

Unable to resist, I kissed her beautiful pouting lips one more time and murmured a goodbye. I didn't turn around to look at her again. I wouldn't have been able to leave, but I saw the tears in her eyes in Alice's mind.

"She'll be okay," Alice promised, showing me the image in her head of Bella pouring a bath--she wasn't crying any longer--and then an image of Bella sleeping peacefully. I held tightly to that image as I sped away, trying not to focus on the ever-increasing miles between us.

*****

Alice was unusually quiet for the first part of the drive. I could see her every thought was focused on Jasper, endlessly and tirelessly searching for any sign of him. I was surprised by the number of times the image of his blurred silhouette sprinting appeared in her mind. I wasn't sure if she was studying it for details or questioning it.

My mind was focused on Bella, wondering how she was doing, remorseful for our lost time and worried that she was upset. I watched Alice's mind for glimpses of her. Every now and again I would get a brief flash of her between the images of Jasper. After her bath, Bella baked brownies and later curled up in an Adirondack chair in the back yard with a blanket and a book. The brief flashes of her were enough to assuage my fears. She was, at the very least, safe and seemingly content, given the circumstances.

Today had not gone how I intended, save for the beginning. Our playful morning wakeup was the perfect way to start the day. I waited until the last possible moment to rouse Bella from her peaceful slumber. She was like dead weight against me all night long, almost as if she'd passed out. I couldn't keep my hands to myself after all the closeness we'd shared and tested her level of sleep in different ways, but she never as much as budged from her place against my side. She rolled over only once, very early in the morning, turning from one side to the other, and I just resettled myself against her new shape and began my observations from a new perspective.

The testing started out innocently enough. A strand of her hair was tickling my nose so I picked it up to move it. It was so silky that I twirled it around my finger and enjoyed the feel of it against my skin. That led to more hair, and eventually I immodestly plunged my hands into it and luxuriated in it. It was just lying there behind her, spread out along the mattress and pillow, taunting me. The newly found freedom born of our intimacy had dissolved much of my self-consciousness. I didn't feel the need to hold back anything. If I wanted to touch her, I did. That led me to touch as much of her as I could. Anywhere my fingers could reach, I touched. I traced every curve, memorized every freckle and mole, and caressed her skin more times than I could count. I found my hands seeking forbidden places on her body, and even then I didn't hold back. There was no need. She was mine in every sense of the word. If I had gone too far and awoken her, she would have understood. She was as bewitched as I was.

Perhaps her actions in biology were a way for karma to pay me back for my impertinence overnight. I pretended to ignore her hand as it moved up my thigh. Part of me enjoyed it far more than I should have allowed myself, and part of me understood her need. I would be lying if I said I hadn't had the same thought cross my mind. When she stroked me, my body reacted immediately. It was all so new and glorious. I half-heartedly tried to dissuade her from her plans, but she would not be distracted. She knew what she wanted, and I was under her control from the moment she touched me.

I wasn't paying attention to her movements; my eyes were closed as I enjoyed her touch. When her hand moved under my shirt, I was unprepared. When her hand moved into my jeans, I all but lost control of myself, grasping the desk so firmly that it cracked quite profoundly under my fingertips. I don't know how Lee Stephens didn't turn around to check for the source of the noise, but he didn't, thankfully. He must have really been absorbed by the movie not to notice.

I had one arm around the back of Bella, which I left in place, but from that point forward, I said nothing. I stopped breathing and stayed as still as a stone in an effort to control myself. I couldn't allow myself an inch more than I already had. Bella realized she'd given me no warning and questioned whether I wanted her to continue. I think it might have brought me to my knees if she had stopped. I slid my hand down the back of her jeans and grasped at her desperately, silently begging her to continue. Unlike last night, there was no chance for a more intimate connection. This was purely about climax, and I fiercely desired the release she was delivering. I couldn't comprehend how her tiny little hand could make me come undone, but it did, and in a commanding way. I made a note to pay her back when I returned to her, since my chance to do so after school had been interrupted.

It had really been a bizarre coincidence that we were even presented with the opportunity that allowed the activities in biology to occur - that practically the entire class had signed up to take part in a blood drive in Port Angeles. I knew why I had not signed up, but Bella's answers caught me off guard. It was beyond ironic that she would be a person who fainted at the sight of blood. The notion made me cringe inwardly. I'm not sure what showed on my face, but Bella picked up on my unease. She explained it was more than just the sight but the smell of blood. It was the closest we had ever come to speaking directly about my nature. To know that it sickened her was upsetting, and I had to suppress the self-disgust and fear. It was just another thing that I had to hope she was capable of looking past.

In the darkness of the car, I pondered how learning my secret might damage her new calm. I couldn't pretend I wasn't relieved that she wanted to put off the conversation about my secret after school. I certainly wasn't anxious to have it under any kind of time constraints. I wanted to be able to answer all of Bella's questions and show her that I was willing to fight for her if she tried to push me away. I had no doubt that the coming conversation would be the denouement of our relationship. Alice must have picked up on my hypothecating.

"You've wasted so much time worrying about how she'll react. She loves you. She'll find a way to understand." Alice's voice was so sure, I immediately began searching her mind for some hint of the proof she might have seen.

"I know she loves me, but even with a love as great as ours, it's a lot to ask of someone."

"Not Bella." I watched the pictures in Alice's mind intently, still searching for the image that would show me how Bella took the news of my nature.

"Why not Bella? Have you seen something?"

"I've seen lots of things, but between her fear and your reluctance, the future never solidifies. And Bella is not your average girl. She's been through a lifetime of heartache already. She knows what is important and what isn't much more clearly than most people her age."

"She seems so fragile," I murmured, half to myself, and half as a defence against what Alice thought.

"She's shown you all of herself, the strong parts and the delicate parts. It just shows how much she trusts you if she can be vulnerable enough to tell you what she went through with her mother."

"You were watching that?" I asked.

"No, I wasn't watching per se. After I had the vision of her crying, I kept looking for the reason for it. As soon as you admitted your feelings for one another, the vision came. To be honest, I was worried the crying had something to do with you."

"I've put off telling her too long," I lamented. "And I was trying to remedy it this week, but Bella was too afraid of what it might mean to us to listen to me. Today, she was finally ready to talk to me about it, but she wouldn't allow me to tell her once she learned about Jasper. She knew you needed me."

"I'm sorry if my problems have made things more difficult for you."

"You don't need to apologize. Of everyone in our family, you would be the only one who would help me if our roles were reversed. Loving Bella has helped me understand the bond between you and Jasper. If my life has been made more difficult, I have no one to blame but myself. Every decision was made with the best of intentions but was not always the right thing to do. I've made mistakes, and I'm sure I'll continue to make mistakes. So, while I should have told Bella before now, I haven't, and I hope that upon our return I can rectify the situation."

"I know you're scared, Edward. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to live in fear of losing Jasper or how difficult it's been for you to hide parts of yourself from Bella."

"Do you know how she'll take it?" I asked softly.

"Specifically? No, only that I haven't had any new visions of her crying or falling apart."

"Anything with regard to her anger, or...of me?"

"Of you?" she questioned, confused.

"Alone," I whispered solemnly. I didn't know how else to ask her if she saw Bella and I apart. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know if she saw an end, but perhaps if she did there was something I could do to change it.

"No, you were together in every vision I've had. There haven't been any decisions made that have risked your union. That's a good sign, right? If you decided to tell her today, and you and she agreed that the conversation would take place after school, then I would have seen something negative if it was going to occur."

"I suppose," I mumbled, trying to decide if I truly believed her or not. Her gift was so speculative. The visions were more theorem than fact - something that stood to come true based on the decisions that had already been made, but no tangible proof existed that guaranteed they would.

"You know I've been watching for it, Edward."

"If I've learned anything, Alice, it's that things are not always what they seem, and there are so many things that are out of our control."

"You worry too much. You can't protect her from everything. There are things she needs to do and say, things that are going to hurt her; it's all part of a human life."

"She is physically our opposite in every way - mortal and fragile and destructible. I don't see how I could stop trying to protect her. It's a part of me as much as she is."

"I don't want you to stop protecting her. I just want you to cut yourself some slack. You can't protect her from every source of hurt, and you have to stop trying."

"Anything new on Jasper?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to discuss protecting Bella. Alice couldn't understand my position when her mate was immortal and practically indestructible. While I was able, I was going to protect Bella with everything I had. She was my reason for being.

*****

Once in Seattle, we went directly to Jasper's hotel and started asking questions. He hadn't picked up his messages or been seen by any of the hotel staff since leaving the hotel around 11:00 AM. He was alone when he left and made no mention of his plans. Alice left another round of messages for him - at the front desk, his hotel room phone and again on his cell phone.

His trail was too cold to follow. There were only faint nuances of his scent around the lobby of the hotel and outside its front doors. He'd opted for either public transit or walking because his sedan remained in the underground parking garage. Alice and I checked it over thoroughly. No one else had been in the car. There were no signs of a struggle or any clues that might have given us a hint about Jasper's whereabouts.

We got back into the Volvo and headed to the outskirts of the city, looking for places where Charlotte and Peter might be more comfortable hanging around. We found plenty of forested areas but never once picked up the scent of Jasper or any vampire. Alice continued her frantic search of the future but found nothing new.

"Don't you find it strange that you've seen nothing new at all?" I wondered. "Your mind returns to that last image of Jasper's silhouette running away almost fanatically."

"I'm not pulling the image; it just appears. No matter what question I focus on, that image seems to come up as the answer. Maybe there's something wrong with me; perhaps my gift is malfunctioning?"

"Or someone is causing its malfunction?"

"What are you thinking?" Alice asked.

"You said yourself you couldn't see the direction the threat came from and assumed it might be vampire because Peter and Charlotte were involved in Jasper's plans. What if vampires are involved? One of them might have some auxiliary talent that is somehow blocking Jasper from you."

"It's entirely possible, but why? What could they want from Jasper?"

"I haven't come up with a good reason for it yet," I mumbled, searching the corners of my mind for the antecedent. It was difficult to conceive of any situation that might leave Jasper vulnerable to being overpowered, at least in a physical sense. He had ample strength and was the best fighter I knew, but there were vampires with other cerebral gifts that could render him immobile. My mind went to the Volturi; they were certainly capable of kidnapping. Jasper's gift for emotional manipulation was useful but not as powerful a tool as many other talents might be in combat, so it seemed unlikely that his gift would make him a target for them. Of course, he might simply be a pawn to lure Alice to them. Her gift was exceedingly valuable to the Volturi. I shuddered at the thought. Jasper would rather die than hand her over to them.

We drove around the city for hours, concentrating on the area surrounding the hotel. Alice focused inwards, foraging the murky depths of time for even the tiniest change since the last time she looked. I was focused outwards, scanning mind after mind for any reference to Jasper. We continued to come up empty handed. If he was in the area, he was either traveling incognito or not traveling at all. It was nearing ten o'clock, so Alice decided we should check back at the hotel to see if Jasper had reappeared there.

Alice made her way to the front desk to ask about Jasper, and I immediately saw the change in her body language. She walked back to me and informed me that Jasper had returned safely and was in his hotel room.

"I'm glad he's safe. Have you picked up anything of him?" I asked, confused, wondering if her visions had changed since I could still not pick up his mental voice.

"Nothing. It's like he's not here, even though the concierge has seen him. You?"

"I still can't hear his thoughts at all. How strange."

We rode the elevator to his floor in silence, each of us in our heads. I was sure Alice wanted to speak to Jasper alone, but I wasn't going to let her go to him until I knew what was keeping his presence obstructed.

Alice knocked on his door. "Jasper, it's Alice. Are you in there? Are you okay?"

The door flew open, and Jasper had Alice in his arms in milliseconds. Still, I heard nothing of his mental voice.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" he asked, kissing her forehead and pulling her into the hotel room. I followed reluctantly, feeling unsure and uncomfortable that my gift was not functioning as it should have been. I could still see Alice's mind and hear her thoughts, but I was getting nothing from Jasper at all.

"You disappeared," she whispered, still fearful and emotional. "Edward brought me to help look for you."

"What's going on, Jasper?" I asked pointedly. "I can't hear your mind."

"Follow me," he requested, walking further into the suite.

Seated at the table near the window was a tall, lanky man that I did not recognize. Upon further inspection, I realized he was not human but vampire, as indicated by his crimson irises. I stopped mid-stride, instantly on guard. Jasper's relaxed stance did not change, and he made no move to shield Alice. The man looked up at us, seeming distracted, and then looked back down at the table. In the instant he looked at us, I could hear both his mind and Jasper's, but as soon as he looked away their minds went quiet again.

"Edward, can you wait here a moment please?"

I nodded my compliance and studied the man at the table carefully, assessing his physical strength, age and any other details I could surmise from him given the potential hazard he might pose to Alice or me. I made no move to introduce myself or sit down. He did not welcome me in any way either.

I watched Alice's mind and shook off the discomfort when I saw the images appear, allowing myself to relax. A moment later I heard Jasper's voice call out to us.

"It's okay, Balen. You can stop."

Jasper and Alice returned to the room, and the gentleman stood up, much more focused on the group of us now. He wore a sloppy grin that made him seem far less threatening.

"Edward, Alice," Jasper began, "this is Balen. Balen, this is my wife, Alice, and my brother, Edward." He held his hand out to me, and I shook it politely. Jasper turned towards Alice. "Balen and I used to be in the army together; we were both turned by Maria and her cohorts."

I nodded in understanding, probing Balen's mind for details of his gift. It was fascinating. He had the ability to block all conscious and subconscious thoughts coming from his mind. To the average human, his gift was invisible, but it made finding him impossible using gifts like Alice's and mine. It was as if he stopped time somehow, focusing on a single thought and making himself disappear. He must have been able to project it somehow and shield Jasper as well.

"It's nice to meet you, Balen," Alice greeted cheerfully. She had returned to her happy relaxed self almost the instant she felt Jasper's arms around her.

"Did you give it to her?" I asked, picking out the details of Jasper's plan from his mind.

"Yes," Jasper replied sheepishly. "I realize what I did was above and beyond in your eyes, Edward, but how else was I going to surprise Alice for our anniversary?"

"Not at all," I admitted. "It's actually quite lovely that you went so far. With Alice's gift, I imagine surprising her is rather anticlimactic most of the time."

"And then some," Jasper admitted. "She's ruined many a surprise."

"Hey, I can't help it," she pouted playfully.

"True," Jasper allowed. "Your gift is your gift, but it is nice to finally be able to surprise you. I couldn't have done it without Balen's help though."

"It was nothing," Balen offered quietly, modest and unobtrusive.

"How do you project it?" I wondered.

"Project it?" Alice asked.

"His gift is quite amazing. The image you kept having of Jasper's blurred silhouette, Balen was projecting that at you, or at anyone who was looking for Jasper, I'm assuming."

"Yes," Balen agreed, suddenly apprehensive and uncomfortable.

"My brother has a talent too. He reads thoughts," Jasper informed Balen.

"Ahhh," Balen acknowledged, nodding. "Then you've already figured out how my gift works?"

"I'm not entirely sure. It's some sort of shield I'm assuming, and obviously you can project it."

"Yes. I focus on a single thought, in this case the image of Jasper running, and all of my thoughts are blocked from anyone with any kind of cerebral talents."

"How far can you project?" I inquired.

"Not far. A few metres at best, and I have to stay focused or the shield comes down."

"Yes, I noticed that when you looked up from the table." I turned to Alice. "Well let's see it, Alice?"

Alice's hand came out to show me the intricate vintage ruby bracelet that Jasper had bought for her, his entire reason for the trip. There was never any truth to the plan to meet Charlotte and Peter. It was merely the detail he focused on to keep Alice off of his trial.

"It was a success then," Balen decided.

"Yes," Jasper agreed nodding, kissing the top of Alice's head. "It was a rousing success in the case of Alice. I do feel badly for putting you out, Edward. I thought Alice would give me a few hours before she panicked."

"It's no problem," I proclaimed. "But since everyone is fine, I am going to head back to Forks. Alice, are you staying with Jasper?"

"Yes," she acknowledged. "But I feel horrible that you'll have to drive back alone."

"It's fine," I assured her. "Bella is waiting for me."

"Of course," Alice agreed. "I'll walk you out."

"Balen." I offered him my hand. "It was nice to meet you. If you're ever in Forks, stop by. I'd love to learn more about your talent, and I'm sure my father would be equally fascinated by it."

"I'm from the north, in Canada. I only came to Seattle as a favour to Jasper, but if I am ever in that area I will look you and your strange family up."

Jasper must have familiarized him with our non-traditional lifestyle.

"I'm sure there is much we could learn from each other." I turned to Jasper. "A little warning next time, brother?"

"I couldn't let you in on it, Edward. Alice would have seen."

"I suppose, but I am glad to find you safe and in good spirits."

"Drive safely, and give Bella my best."

A smile of understanding lit his features. He must have picked up on the subtle changes in my attitude since Bella's name was brought up. I smiled and went to the door to say goodbye to Alice.

"Do you see any trouble?" I asked quietly.

"Your drive home will be seamless. Bella is waiting for you." She showed me the image in her mind of Bella sleeping peacefully.

"She must have gone to bed early," I murmured.

"Go and tell her the truth, Edward."

"I will," I assured her, kissing her on the cheek.

"Did you want to call her before you go?" she wondered.

"No, she's sleeping. I'll be back to her in no time. There's no reason to disturb her."

With my goodbyes finished, I was off.

The road flew under my tires. I could feel the spurious ache she brought out in me, puling me towards her as fast as the Volvo would allow me to go. I didn't want to waste a moment of time with her. The faster I got to her, the faster I could hold her in my arms and protect her and show her all of my love.

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**A/N:** Please review!


	37. Nightmare

**A/N**: I own, well not nothing, but not Twilight either. Not Bella or Edward…which is a damn shame if you'd like my opinion. No copyright infringement is intended.

The time has come. *clears throat* So without further adieu…

**From Bella's POV**…

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I watched him drive away, glad that he didn't turn around and see the tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew I was being a baby, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was placating me when he said the thing with Jasper wasn't dangerous, just so I wouldn't worry. If it wasn't dangerous, then why couldn't I go? Yes, Edward was overprotective, but no danger is no danger. Knowing Edward, it was just the unknown that he feared. In his own way, he was only trying to protect me from the threat, be it real or pretend. If I didn't love the son of a bitch so much it would be a hard trait to get used to.

Edward was barely gone and I missed him already. It was selfish of me, but I was looking forward to having Edward all to myself. I wasn't so selfish that I couldn't give him up to help Alice and Jasper, but it left me feeling mournful of the lost time. I knew I needed to let go of the feelings. I didn't want to spend the entire time away from Edward feeling miserable, so I let myself cry until the tears stopped coming and then resigned myself to keeping busy to make the time go faster.

I took Edward's suggestion and poured a feverishly hot bath. I thought about adding candles and bubble bath to set a really tranquil mood, but the idea just made me think about how much I wanted Edward there with me. Instead, I opted for some lavender bath salts - simple, subtle and relaxing, and relaxation was what I needed.

The hot water felt good on my knotted muscles, soothing and relaxing me as I let my head rest on the back of the tub and thought about what a whirlwind of emotions the last twenty-four hours had been - from the saddest moments of my life to the most exhilarating and freeing. Being loved by Edward was a thousand times better than I had imagined. In some ways, I think it turned out better than it might have if we had gone into the situation with the intention of having sex. Not that the build up of anticipation couldn't have led to something fantastic, but it could have just as easily led to nerves or performance anxiety or even doubts. There was something to be said for making a decision and giving into it fully in the moment - the rush of emotions and energy that accompanied it was a high. It seemed to make every touch more intense, or Edward was just that good, which was entirely possible. I'd always seen him as a sexy motherfucker; he'd just proven my hypothesis beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I expected the entire act to be more awkward, considering we were both virgins. I'm not sure how my actions came off to Edward, but after being on the receiving end of his love, it was hard to believe he had no sexual experience. I decided that he must be the ultimate sexual being, running off some inherent erotic instinct that enabled him to read every physical and chemical marker my body put out. Every touch was intentional and directed, like he knew what I liked before I knew. He was so gentle and loving. Admittedly, the feel of his hands on my body has always been a trigger for my desire, but the way he held me and the way he kissed me was absolute perfection. I'd never felt so loved. Maybe he just knew what he wanted to bring out in me, and didn't stop until he saw it there. I'm sure he'd disagree with me, but Edward Cullen was a primo lover.

I closed my eyes and dunked my head, holding my breath and submerging my whole self under the warm liquid blanket of the water. I could feel the blood changing direction in my body as the moisture pooled between my thighs, and it wasn't bath water. Thinking about Edward's skills in the bedroom was not what I should be concentrating on if I wanted to keep his absence out of my mind, or remain calm and relaxed during my wait for his return. I briefly wondered what Edward might think if he came home in the middle of me getting myself off. I could just hear my witless retort. _'Sorry, Edward, but it's your fault. All I did was think about having sex with you and your power made me touch myself.'_ I laughed at myself; at least I wouldn't be sexually frustrated. Then again, maybe he might get turned on if he did walk in on it. I was all for turning him on. I was all for anything that might get him in the mood to touch me again. He was right when he called me incorrigible. I was that and so much more.

I surfaced and tipped my head back, letting the water run off my face before allowing my head to fall back lightly against the tub rim. One little indulgence wouldn't kill me. I'd indulged Edward earlier in class; this would just be me returning the favour to myself. I slipped my hand between my legs and let my fingers lightly graze my sensitized flesh. It didn't feel anywhere near as good as when Edward touched me, which was good and bad. Good, because I had a lot to look forward to, and bad, because Edward was nowhere near me at the moment, and I was aching for him. That would teach me to fantasize about him while taking a bath, or at any time when he was out of town, or out of reach, or, well, not beside me. I used more pressure in my fingers and increased the friction. It felt nice, but not Edward nice, so I gave up. It would never feel as good as him - stupid out-of-town, not-here-when-I-need-him missing-boyfriend-but-awesome-brother that he was.

I eased myself out of the water and pulled the stopper, watching the warm water swirl and create a whirlpool vortex until it all drained away. It wasn't that it was fascinating, but it brought me a few minutes closer to Edward. I was hopelessly addicted; he was going to get such a laugh when I told him how I watched the tub water drain to pass the time.

I pulled myself out of the tub, dried myself off, and snapped my cast back into place. My mind ran down a very short list of shit I didn't really want to do, but would do to keep my promise to stay busy. Stay busy was code for doing something other than worrying about Edward. I wrapped the towel around myself and started my busy work. I wiped out the ring around the tub left by the bath water, folded all the bath towels, unfolded them, threw them down the laundry shoot, replaced the old towels with clean dry ones, and cleaned the bathroom mirror with Windex in an effort to stay busy. He was still never more than a breath away from every thought, and I was less than a breath away from moping.

I wandered into the bedroom, planning to disinter the one pair of pretty pajamas I owned, when I saw it. Sneaky little bastard! Wonderful, sly, keep-to-his-word, serendipitous, surprise-leaver. There, on my bed, laid a pale blue dress shirt. I rushed to the shirt, holding my breath in fear that it wouldn't, but it did - it smelled just like Edward - five parts heaven, one part mischief, ten parts love, and a dash of cologne for good measure. I left the cotton by my nose and inhaled the smell of him over and over again, until my nose lost sensitization to it. Then I shrugged off my towel and let it fall to the floor, slipping the shirt over my arms and wrapping it around my body. It was laughably gigantic on me, but I didn't care. It was his. It smelled like him. It had been on his body and touched his skin. And now it was touching mine, like a tiny insignificant link to him even though he was hundreds of miles away. I didn't have a clue how he had time to drop it off. It must have been before he took me to school. He was so incredibly thoughtful, and I was unbelievably lucky.

I grabbed his phone off the dresser and flipped it open, searching the contact list for Alice's number. I pressed the call option and brought the phone to my ear hesitantly, feeling a tiny bit silly and a whole lot of needy, but I wanted to thank him. Hallelujah for call display.

"Hi." His soft voice greeted me warmly.

"Hi." I bit my lip for a moment, angry with myself for the tears that threatened. He was going to think I was a complete basket case if I couldn't hold it together for one stupid phone call.

"Are you all right?" he wondered. His voice sounded incredibly sexy to me.

"Better than all right, thanks to you."

"You found it?"

"Yes, I found it. I have no idea how you snuck it up here, but thank you. I found it at just the right time."

"I miss you," he crooned. The words and the soft tone of his voice made my chest feel heavy.

"Me too," I croaked, losing my battle to remain unemotional and controlled.

"I'm sorry. I know it's hard. I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't upset me. I upset me. You know I'm just a big ol' baby." I forced myself to giggle; the last thing I wanted was to make him worry.

"How was your bath?"

"Hot." I rolled my eyes at my own intentional double entendre. "It was a good hot though...very good. Have you heard from Jasper?"

"Nothing new, unfortunately."

"And the drive?"

"Fine. We're almost there. We'll start at Jasper's hotel."

"Is there anything I can do back here?" I wondered hopelessly.

"Just stay safe, and don't worry."

"But I excel at worry. You should at least let me do what I'm good at." His answering laugh made my toes tingle. "And Edward?"

"Yes?"

"You drive too fast," I teased.

"I know." I could hear the smile in his voice. "Bella?"

"Yes?"

"You should put some panties on." I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks instantly, and I prayed that it wasn't Alice that had shared that tidbit with him.

"You should come make me," I retorted with a laugh. "Besides, you'll come home faster if I don't."

"True," he admitted, chuckling. "I love you. I'll talk to you later?"

"Love you too. Bye for now."

I waited to hear his phone disconnect before I snapped the cell phone shut, hanging on to the connection to him an extra second or two. I put the phone back on to the dresser and dug into my underwear drawer, foraging for the one or two pairs of panties that I owned that might be deemed sexy or provocative. Black lace thong or blue satin cheeky hip huggers? I chose the blue ones because they matched Edward's shirt better, and if by chance he did make it home tonight, he would lose his shit when he found me in them. I knew he had a thing for my hair, but who knew that Edward Cullen was an ass man?

I slipped on the panties and ceremoniously stuck my tongue out at Edward, fully understanding he couldn't see me but doing it anyway, just in case he could.

"Panties on, Edward," I announced, as if he could hear me. "Now come home and take them off!"

I buttoned the shirt up and rolled the sleeves and headed to the kitchen to find something to bake. I considered doing some laundry, but I didn't want to mess up the smell of Edward's shirt. I scoured the cupboards for ingredients but came up with fewer than the required number of items to make chocolate chip cookies. I found a cake mix, but couldn't find any icing sugar to make frosting with and what was the point of cake without frosting? I settled on an expired box mix of brownies. They were better than nothing and I didn't really want to eat them, just make them to offer to Edward when he got home. Lord knows the boy never eats so I didn't have to worry about making him sick by using outdated ingredients. It was just the gesture I was after.

Even though it made me look like a huge dork, I put an apron on. It was better than risking getting Edward's shirt dirty. Twenty minutes later the brownies were in the oven and I'd washed, dried and put away every item I'd used to prepare them. I was pretty sure time had stopped. I passed the required baking time by trying to make myself slide on the kitchen floor, which was no easy feat without socks on. I wondered if I was entertaining Edward. I knew he'd be watching. He was, after all, Edward.

After the brownies came out of the oven, I set them to cool on a wire rack and headed outside. I stubbornly refused to get dressed, dragging an old quilt out with me to wrap myself in so I wouldn't freeze to death. I read a couple of chapters of my novel, curled up in the Adirondack chair, before my restlessness overran my focus. I'd completed everything on my list of stupid tasks to do to keep busy, and not nearly enough time had passed. I was back to feeling like I wanted to mope and cry again.

I had one last idea, and a pretty damn good one in my humble biased opinion. I would go to sleep. It was early, but when Edward got back I wouldn't have to waste any of my time with him sleeping. I shut the book and went inside, locking both doors on my way upstairs. Even though I didn't really want to have to get up to let Edward in, he'd ride me if I left it unlocked for him, being the overprotective boyfriend that I missed desperately that he was.

The bed was heavenly. I had a whole new rush of Edward's scent surround me when I slipped into covers and I sighed happily. It was everywhere - the sheets, the pillowcase, even the comforter to a certain extent. It was easy to relax. It was easy to fall asleep. If I squeezed my eyes shut tightly enough, I could even pretend he was there with me. I knew he was in spirit.

*****

My eyes sprang wide open two hours later. Eleven friggen o'clock. Not even. Ten fifty-four to be exact. I felt immediately restless, and I couldn't pick up Edward's smell on the sheets to help soothe me. I could feel that familiar ache radiating from my heart. I missed him, and without him I knew I wouldn't be able to settle back down. The only thing I really wanted was to feel close to Edward, not hundred of miles away and alone. For as happy as I used to be alone, I wasn't any longer. I was miserable.

I had an idea about how to make the ache stop and get what I wanted. I knew it was a tiny bit silly, but still relatively harmless in terms of getting myself into trouble. I wanted to go to the clearing in the forest. It was our little spot and it was peaceful there. It was a place where I always felt safe and it was probably the best place on Earth to go to feel close to Edward when he wasn't with me. He would be angry with me for going. He'd tell me it was dangerous to be out so late by myself, and that I shouldn't take chances with my safety, but it was perfectly safe out there. Besides, what Edward didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

I threw on some jeans and a thick wool sweater to keep me warm, and headed out. I turned the radio up and tried to let the music distract me from thinking about Edward while I drove. I drummed the steering wheel and kept time with the beat of the music unerringly. I was to the clearing in no time.

Once I got there, the forest looked a lot more ominous than I thought it would. I sat in the truck cab for a while, staring out at it, willing it to exude some of the goodness it usually gave me. There was nothing but blackness to welcome me.

I took out a pen and piece of paper from the glove compartment and started a note to Edward. There were things I needed to say to him before he told me his secret, things I wanted him to know and feelings I wanted to share. None of these things would be changed by the secret, which is sort of why I wanted to write them out first. Someday I would show Edward the letter and he would understand that, even in my weakest moments, I loved him more than words could ever say.

Writing made me feel more emotional instead of less, and once I finished the letter I decided that, darkness or not, I was going to go sit in the clearing for a while and do my best to feel close to Edward. I grabbed my flashlight and headed into the pitch-black shadows of the trees. I knew the way there by heart, even without the beam of illumination the flashlight provided. The trees were so dense that no light filtered through and the darkness engulfed me. I didn't mind. I could feel the meadow pulling me, almost as if he was there, waiting for me. I imagined that if I closed my eyes I could almost hear his whisper on the breeze, like a gentle caressing murmur.

The clearing was a peaceful and welcoming place in the daytime, but at nighttime, it looked almost magical. The cloudless sky sparkled; thousands of tiny stars twinkling, light years away. I found Ursa Major with little difficulty. Charlie had shown it to me trying to get me talking after I first moved here. He thought if I saw something familiar here it might feel a little more like home. It did help. The Big Dipper was easily visible against the dark sky tonight. I would have to tell Charlie I found it by myself. He would be proud of me.

I knelt down and then dropped on to my hip, tucking my feet around the side of me as best I could, and stared up at the stars, pondering if Edward could even see the stars in a city as big and bright as Seattle. I doubted it. I wanted to call him and ask, but when I reached into my jeans to pluck out the cell phone, I realized I didn't bring it with me. Edward was going to kill me if he called and I didn't answer.

"Shit!"

My voice echoed off the trunks of the hemlocks and firs, and reverberated back to me. I'd never noticed the effect in the daylight. Then again, it was never this deserted in the daytime. There were always animals and insects and birds around. It was kind of creepy to be honest. It was certainly lacking the warmth and connection I was looking for.

I closed my eyes and let my memories of the meadow flip through my mind. So many things happened here, and though they weren't all good, they all led me to Edward. Each tiny moment intermingled in my mind - our first and second kisses, admitting I needed him around while curled up in his lap, our picnic. So many beginnings, so many changes, happened right here. I tried to garner some kind of closeness to Edward from all of it, but it only made me feel more alone. Without Edward, the clearing was just a place. It didn't keep my connection to Edward viable like I thought it would. What I really wanted was for Edward to be here, and he wasn't. There was no piece of him left behind here waiting for me. He was miles and miles away helping his sister and brother, and I was sitting in the darkened forest by myself wishing for him like a loser. It was time to cut my losses. What I was searching for just wasn't here.

I pulled myself up and started to hobble back towards the truck when I heard a faint laugh, carried from somewhere nearby by the wind. It was familiar somehow, almost encouraging, engaging and magnetic and intriguing, and I turned in the direction it came from. I searched the murky darkness for the person with the inviting laugh, listening for movement and drifting towards it, seeking its owner. In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong. Wandering around the forest alone, near midnight, searching out a phantom laugh was not the safest way to pass the time. It wasn't safe at all. Yet I followed the sound further into the forest, losing my way, depending on the familiar echo to show me the way out of the tangle of branches and trunks.

I could see light up ahead and squinted to bring the distance into focus while I continued to move forward. It must have been moonlight; nothing else could be that bright in the middle of the forest. I'd been too busy feeling sorry for myself to even notice that the moon had risen. My feet moved without my permission, pulling me towards the beam of light that illuminated the mysterious laugh I was chasing. When she turned to look at me, I stopped dead in my tracks. Golden curls blowing out majestically from around her face, beautiful red lips - swollen and blood covered - crouched over something I couldn't identify, something furry, something animal, something that was once alive. Her topaz eyes locked on mine, full of fury and contempt, familiar eyes, not in shape or story, but their colour was unmistakeable.

Her feral silhouette lengthened and she took one step towards me. I was paralysed, unable to move towards her, unable to run away. The only thing on me that would move were my eyes, and they only seemed to widen as the horror they fell upon sunk into my consciousness. They darted from the magnificent creature to its prey and back again. The bloody carcass was a deer; the buck's antlers were butted up against the tree trunk beside its head. I looked for a gun or a knife or a bow, anything that could have been used to kill the animal. There was no indication of a weapon - not on the ground, not in her hands, nothing attached to her in a holster or sheath or woven over her shoulder, just her empty hands and a dead animal.

Her head shifted to one side and then the other as she stared at me, inclining and tilting like she was sizing me up. Her eyes never left mine. The blood on her lips began to drip from the corner of her mouth. Her hand snapped up to wipe it and was back at her side in less time than it took me to blink. I began to wish I were dreaming. It was the easiest explanation to the strange scene playing out in front of me - the option that this didn't need to mean anything because it wasn't real, just my subconscious playing tricks on me. She took another step towards me.

"Rosalie?" My voice was unsure and tentative.

Her graceful form recoiled at the sound of my voice and a loud growl left her lips. I didn't understand anything I saw before me, but I knew the sound was dangerous. I took a step backwards, finally breaking the trance she had me in, and lost my footing as the toe of my cast caught on some tree roots. I tumbled to the ground, drowning in the full force of my panic. My flashlight dropped from my hands and rolled out of my reach. There was no time to look for it. I couldn't move fast enough to get away from anyone, let alone someone who was capable of catching a deer with her own hands. Frantic, I began to crawl, bloodying my knees as the debris on the forest floor ripped, first my jeans, and then my skin. I heard her hiss behind me, piercingly fierce. I struggled to get to my feet, limping and pulling and throwing myself ahead with everything I had in me. I didn't stop to see if she was chasing me. I didn't stop for anything. I just kept moving, like it was the only option, one foot in front of the other ad nauseum. There was no thinking, only doing, and I kept on doing it until there was no more energy in me. I collapsed and closed my eyes and wished for something to take away the terrifying images in my head.

What I saw just wasn't possible. It was logically unsound. It lacked rationality and sense. Maybe I had gone crazy and conjured up images that weren't really there?

I heard the tiny voice in my head whisper.

'_It was real._'

Even in my head it sounded preposterous, but I instinctively knew what I'd seen was real. There wasn't any part of me that wanted it to be real, or wanted to deal with what would follow, but try as I might, I couldn't make myself believe in its falseness.

"It was real."

I felt my lips form the words, heard the sounds leave my mouth, and then something inside of me snapped. Everything went black and I embraced the nothingness, closing my eyes and slipping under.

*****

I heard a familiar voice call me an unfamiliar name but I didn't open my eyes. I wasn't afraid of him. He would never hurt me.

The images churned and re-ignited the panic.

I couldn't remember how far my feet had carried me, but I was sure I didn't know how to find my way out of the forest to my truck. I needed someone to help me because I couldn't help myself. I was too tired, too lost, too incoherent.

He put his jacket around my shoulders. He said I was shaking. I couldn't find my voice to tell him the shaking had nothing to do with the cold. His strong arm came out, hooking behind me and guiding me. His hand didn't feel right on the small of my back and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't know where he was leading me, but I was too exhausted to fight him. I willed my feet to move and follow him, and somehow they did.

Everything seemed hazy and disconnected, like I was losing time. The things happening around me were disjointed. Maybe the whole thing had been a dream?

The house I found myself standing in front of was unfamiliar. I was sure I'd never been there before. I wondered why the walk back to my truck didn't have the same habitual feeling it normally did and how my truck ended up so far away from where I parked it. The words were there but I couldn't make my mouth ask the questions.

He helped me into the truck but it felt completely wrong. The engine was too quiet, the cab too claustrophobic, and the smell was not right. I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut, trying to block it all out. Nothing felt truly right, not my surroundings or my truck and most of all not my thoughts. I couldn't shake the fear. Her hiss rang again in my mind, so loud I turned to look behind me. Another surge of panic sent me reeling. A dream couldn't feel this real.

His voice was reassuring. He promised he'd get me home safely. Had he promised me that before? I kept my eyes closed, focusing on his tone, and tried to find comfort in it. There were too many words to listen to or make sense of. I picked up bits here and there. He was taking me home. He would call Charlie.

He opened the car door for me, and when he took my hand to help me out it shouldn't have felt foreign, but it did. I looked at our hands, trying to understand, forcing myself to focus and think. Something was wrong with me. The electricity was gone. I was broken. Everything was broken.

He put his arm around the back of me and gently persuaded me up the walk, helping me sit down on the steps. I watched him check the door and windows, and look under the flowerpots and the mat. I didn't understand why he didn't just open the door. I just wanted to go inside and shut out the rest of the world.

He pulled me back up on my feet. He told me where he was taking me but it didn't make sense to me. I tried to pull back from him but he was so much stronger than me that all I did was lurch to one side. His arms stilled me.

I heard another voice, familiar and soothing. He called my name. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and I wasn't afraid until I saw his eyes. Those same topaz eyes. I recoiled as he reached for me, cowering in the arms that supported me, squeezing my eyes shut. It was too late. The memories were already triggered - the hiss, the carcass, the blood, the beautiful face of my would-be attacker - but most of all the fear and confusion.

I tried to block it all out - the voices and the memories and the emotions. I wanted none of it. The voices were angry. I could sense the aggression. I kept my eyes tightly closed, too afraid to provoke more panic with a resurgence of memories. I could feel a familiar energy surging around me. Like a cloud, it tried to engulf me but I wouldn't let it. When it started to feel like more than I could handle, I withdrew from it, hiding in the arms of my protector. Nothing made sense to me. Nothing felt right.

The voices were shouting now, back and fourth, arguing over inconsequential things. He whispered in my ear. _Yes I want to go inside with Edward._ I had no volume to make my desperate plea, so I dug my fingers into the arms that supported me. _Yes I want to go inside with Edward, please._ No one heard me.

I couldn't shy away from the efflux of energy that passed between us when his fingers finally made contact with my skin as his hands curled around my waist. My eyes opened without my permission and locked on his. The energy was right and wrong - its existence and power were right, but the fear it created in me was wrong. His eyes were right and wrong - too like hers in a negative way, but concerned and loving like they should have been. Everything still felt off, like the world was spinning in the wrong direction. I stared back at him wide-eyed, trying to ask all of my silent questions about what I'd seen and what I was feeling and begging him to make it better. There was nothing but love there. Not understanding. Not answers. Not explanations. Only love.

Another rush of electricity inundated me in an overwhelming way as he scooped me into his arms. My fear surged and I grabbed on to the love I saw in his eyes and hid myself in it, letting the darkness take me again.

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**A/N:** Please review.


	38. Disaster

**A/N:** Blah, blah, blah…Stephenie Meyer…owner…me…nothing.

Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing. I am grateful. I decided to post the update and answer reviews tomorrow. If anyone has anything pressing, please feel free to PM me.

I'm a big music buff and am always listening to something. I made a playlist for the story, but I've been told you can only hear 30 seconds of each song. My intention is to upload the songs, and will get to that soon. If anyone is interested they can find a link in my profile.

**From Edward's POV**…

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I drove straight to Bella's house; feeling anxious to slip into bed next to her and hold her while she slept, anticipating the electricity and joy of her presence. I reviewed the image of her sleeping in my mind, peaceful and angelic, and smiled to myself. I was content and excited as I drove the last few miles and made the last turn on to her street.

I was not prepared in the slightest way for the scene I happened upon.

I pulled into the driveway to find a strange boy with his arms around Bella. Her truck was nowhere in sight, and I did not recognize the black Volkswagen Rabbit parked in front of the house as a car I'd seen before. I rushed from the Volvo.

"Bella," I called, alarmed. "What's wrong?" I hurried up the walkway towards her and the stranger that held her in his arms. "Who are you, and what are you doing to her?"

"Screw you, buddy," he spat. His mind was pure, despite his expression of disrespect, and he was considerably worried about Bella's condition. I had insulted him with my reproach, but he stood ready to defend Bella if I turned out to be a threat to her. I ignored him and concentrated on Bella.

"Bella, sweetheart, what's wrong?" I bent towards her, reaching out for her, and she flinched away from me. Her eyes closed and she turned her face away from me.

"What have you done to her?" I demanded, searching his mind for details. His mind was very defensive, almost possessive, and I could tell he held Bella in some degree of regard.

"I found her like this, not that it's any of your business." I didn't like his answer or his tone, and in the panic I was feeling I was not particularly ready to play twenty questions with the cretin. He was remembering the look on Bella's face when he found her, pale and terrified. His thoughts were thick with concern for her.

"Found her…like this?" I accused, aghast. "Where?"

"I was walking home, taking a shortcut, and came across her in the middle of the forest, exactly like this. I don't know what's wrong with her." The picture in his mind was not a place I knew Bella to frequent. I had no explanation as to why she might have been there.

"What was she doing in the forest?" I wondered rhetorically, moving my eyes back to Bella. "Bella, what's going on? Please talk to me."

Again I moved my hands towards her, wanting to remove her from the boy's grasp and bring her into the safety of my arms. She turned her body further away from me.

"I don't think she wants to talk you, umm…what's your name?"

"Edward. My name is Edward. Bella is my girlfriend. Please give her to me and let me try to get her some help."

He was disappointed by my declaration, but accepted that I was telling the truth. He stepped aside a small amount to allow me some room to pull Bella to me. He was supporting her weight more than I realized. As soon as I stepped towards her, she flinched back from me. The boy's arms surrounded her protectively in an instant. My jealousy flared. I didn't like seeing his arms around Bella, doing my job.

"I'm Jacob," he offered, "and again, I don't think she wants to talk to you."

His thoughts were almost smug. It was ridiculous that he took pleasure from Bella's fear. If he knew her at all he should know how out of character this sort of dependence was for her, how ambiguous and unfocused and contrary to her regular demeanour her current behaviour was.

"This is insane," I hollered angrily. "Give her to me!"

"Red," Jacob whispered, "there is a guy here named Edward who says he's your boyfriend. Do you want to go with him?"

"Her name is Bella," I hissed, uncomfortable with their closeness and his apparent nickname for her.

"You call her Bella. I call her Red," he replied indignantly.

"If you knew her at all then you'd know she prefers to be called Bella," I corrected, losing my patience with him.

"Really?" he questioned in a patronizing tone. "Because she was just fine with me calling her Red." He bent towards the side of her face and spoke softly to her. I had to use all my self-control not to forcibly remove his lips from the vicinity of Bella's ear. "Edward wants to take you inside. Do you want to go with him?"

When he asked her the question, I could see the way her fingers dug into the flesh of his arms, desperate and dire. She was holding on to him like her life depended on it. I watched as the boy flipped through his memories of finding Bella. She was alone when he found her, lying in the middle of a forested area. Her body was curled into the fetal position and she was shaking. She didn't even open her eyes when he spoke to her but willingly went with him. At least he had taken care with her, helping to support her while she walked without her crutches and giving his jacket to her for warmth. What on Earth was she doing out in the forest at almost midnight? Even more, why was she clinging so desperately to this boy that I'd never heard mention of?

"She's not answering, and I'm not comfortable leaving her with you if she doesn't give me permission." I could appreciate his sentiment, given his concern for Bella, but I'd had enough of his foolish interference.

"She's my girlfriend. I don't need your permission!"

His body curled around hers instinctively, protecting her from the perceived threat he felt was coming from me. My body tensed and I took a step towards him. I was having a great deal of difficulty controlling myself. I refocused my instincts on Bella, trying to ignore my irritation and panic.

"If you won't give her to me, then at least take her inside. She shouldn't be out here in the cold in her condition."

"Do you know how to get into her house? I didn't find any keys on her."

"Yes." I led him to the front door, taking the key from under the eaves to open the lock and holding the door open so he could persuade Bella inside.

"What about her mother and father? Do you know how to get a hold of them?" he wondered.

"Charlie is not her father, but yes, I know how to get a hold of him."

I felt a small amount of recompense in the boy's lack of knowledge. How well could he know Bella if he thought Charlie was her father, let alone not know that Bella's mother had died?

"Red, Edward is going to call your Dad. What else do you need me to do?" He waited a moment to see if Bella would answer. She barely seemed to register his words. He turned towards me when she didn't respond. "Should we get her upstairs?"

"I will take her," I announced commandingly.

I stepped towards Bella. She seemed incognizant of her surroundings. I gently slipped my hands around her waist to support her weight and shot a dismissive glare at Jacob. Bella seemed to discern the change when Jacob stepped away from her, and her eyes finally came to mine. She looked afraid and confused and I'd never felt more lost and helpless. I had no idea what had happened or how to help her. Her entire body was trembling. I bent to scoop her legs and pulled her into my arms, never taking my eyes off of hers. I could hear her heartbeat racing in an unfamiliar way and her chest was barely displaced by her shallow, uneven breaths. She struggled to stay focused on my face and for the briefest of moments, I could see joy in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by something else, something black and hollow. I watched in worry as her eyelids fluttered unevenly and her eyes rolled behind them while her head dropped back. Her whole body went limp in my arms.

I quickly carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed.

"Bella, I'm here, just like I promised," I whispered soothingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed to be close to her. "Please open your eyes…please tell me how to help you." I picked up her hand and held it, running my other hand along her face. For once my cold skin would serve a helpful purpose. She didn't respond to my touch in any way. I was glad she wasn't flinching away from me any longer, but I wanted so badly for her to open her eyes and explain to me what was going on.

Jacob appeared in the doorway.

"I can sit with her while you call her dad if you want?" he offered politely. "Has she passed out again?"

"Yes," I told him quietly. "Did she faint while you were bringing her home?"

"A couple of times at least. I couldn't quite tell to be honest. She was pretty out of it. Does she do drugs?" he wondered.

"No," I defended in a flat voice. "Never. Something has happened to her. I'm fairly sure this is some kind of shock. It's very unlike her normal behaviour. Are you sure you saw nothing, not even in the area surrounding the woods where you found her?"

"Nothing, man. I mean…I didn't really look that hard. I was stunned to find her there, and when she started acting so strangely, I just figured she was high."

"She's not. What did she do that seemed strange?"

"She kept looking behind her and cowering. She talked about her truck, but I didn't find any keys on her or see her truck anywhere around where I found her. She asked me to help her, but wouldn't say with what." I saw the corresponding images in his mind. Her reactions didn't match her surroundings. She would flinch and cower at strange times, her face growing pale and more horrified. Her eyes seemed to be closed much more often than they should have been.

I heard my cell phone ring, and my eyes darted to it.

"Would that be her dad?" Jacob wondered.

"No, I haven't called him yet. That's my cell. It's probably my sister. Can you sit with Bella?"

Jacob agreed. I kissed Bella's forehead softly, getting up and grabbing my cell phone from her dresser on my way out of her room. Poor Alice was probably beside herself with worry, but perhaps she had seen something of what happened to Bella and could give me some sort of guidance.

"Alice, do you know what happened to her?"

"I'm on my way to you now, Edward."

"What happened to her?" I demanded. Alice was too far out of range for me to pick up her thoughts.

"I'm ten, fifteen minutes away, tops. Go downstairs. I don't want to speak in front of whoever that is there with you."

"Alice, is she going to be okay?"

"Physically she will be fine, but the rest of the picture hasn't solidified."

"Can't you give me some kind of hint to the cause?"

"She's in shock, Edward. Go wait for me outside."

"Fine." I snapped the phone shut in irritation and went outside. I could hear the sound of Carlisle's Mercedes off in the distance, closing fast. Alice had either lied about how far away they were, or Jasper was driving so fast he was breaking the sound barrier. I could feel my panic growing exponentially. Alice was keeping me out, and it was never good news when she kept me out of her thoughts. The car barely stopped when I mandated an explanation.

"What happened?" I demanded through gritted teeth.

"Bella woke up. I tried to call you to warn you, but you didn't answer."

"I couldn't answer. Bella had my cell phone. You knew that."

"Bella didn't answer either."

"She must have left the cell phone behind. Why did she leave?"

"She missed you. She couldn't get back to sleep so she decided to go to the meadow."

"She was no where near the meadow when Jacob found her. What happened? How did she wander so far from where she started?"

"The thing you need to focus on is that she's fine. She wasn't harmed."

"She's not fine, Alice. Something happened out there. Tell me what you know!"

"You're going to be angry," she warned.

"I don't care. Tell me!"

"Edward, she knows," Alice whispered. She cleared her mind and began to show me the vision. Bella had gone to the clearing. She sat for a while looking up at the stars and then got up to leave. Suddenly, her direction changed course and she wandered further into the thick of the forest, as if she was searching for something. Then I saw the horrifying image that had frightened Bella. She'd stumbled across Rosalie mid-feeding, draining the blood from a deer. I could only imagine the horror that went through Bella's mind. I saw Rosalie's head turn toward Bella, and watched in disgrace and revulsion as Rosalie feinted and considered attacking. I wondered if Bella had any idea how much danger she was actually in, but she seemed to. She called to Rosalie and when Rosalie growled, Bella fled, tripping and tumbling on to the forest floor. She was terror-stricken - sickly pale and visually shaken - and she struggled desperately to move, crawling and clawing and finally getting herself back up on her feet. She never looked back, just continued to compel herself forward trying to get away.

I fell to my knees and covered my head with my arms, utterly and completely defeated. I'd done everything right - I had allowed Bella to set the pace between us, and respected her wishes to protect her fragile heart, and still it was not enough. We were doomed, fated to fail from the very first moment she entered my life. All the countless hours spent trying to keep her safe and protect her from hurt, and in the end I couldn't even protect her from my own family. I couldn't protect her from anything - not from hurt, or from my nature, or from the truth.

"Edward, it's going to be okay," Alice whispered, putting her hands on my shoulders. I shook them off and got to me feet. I didn't want her reassurance; what I needed had become inconsequential. I had to think of Bella. I couldn't protect her, so now I had to do everything possible to make sure that she would be okay, if she would even let me.

"Go home," I instructed. "Get Carlisle, and have him come here to check on Bella. Tell Esme and the others what's happened if Rosalie hasn't informed them. I need to focus on Bella right now. Nothing else matters."

"I'll stay. Jasper can go get Carlisle and tell the rest the story."

"No. Jacob is still here and I need to get him out too. Bella doesn't need more company. She needs to be left alone until she's feeling better."

"This isn't your fault, Edward. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it."

"Yes, there was. I could have told her the truth."

"You were thinking only of her mental well-being. There's no way you could have predicted this."

"Does it really matter, Alice? It's happened, and there's nothing I can do to change it. She found out in the worst way possible, and if she hasn't figured it out, it's only a matter of time before she does. Her mind will go into overdrive trying to make sense of every little thing she's ever noticed over the course of our relationship until she figures out that I am nothing better than the reprehensible monster that she saw in the forest."

"She loves you, Edward."

"Loved, Alice. She's already begun the transition. She couldn't look at me and didn't want me to touch her, flinching away from me every time I tried. The only thing that matters now is that I do everything I can to make sure she'll be okay."

"You're not giving Bella any credit. At least hear her side of things before you resign yourself to the demise of everything."

"The only thing I can focus on right now is her care. Please go and do what I've asked. I have my cell phone if you need me."

"Edward," Alice protested.

I raised my voice. "This is not up for debate, Alice. I'm doing things my way this time. This is my responsibility to shoulder. Now please go and do what I asked." I turned my back on her and walked away, leaving her to follow my directions, knowing she'd do the right thing. I needed to check on Bella and see if she'd come to.

I dialed Charlie's cell phone number as I made my way inside, but got no answer. I didn't leave a message.

"Who was that?" Jacob wondered, staring after Alice, Jasper and Balen.

"My sister and brother, and a friend. They came to check on Bella but I sent them away. She needs her rest."

"Oh, okay," he mumbled, hesitating like there was something more he wanted to say. His mind was considering whether or not I included him amongst the people that should be allowed to stay with Bella.

"I'm going to call Charlie, and my father, who is a physician, is going to come and check on her. I'm sure you have to get going home. It's quite late."

"I don't have to…well, I really wanted to stay until we know that Bella's okay."

"I don't think we'll know tonight, to be honest. I'm relatively sure she's in shock and expect that she'll spend most of the night sleeping, but I'll be happy to call you and update you on her progress. After all, I owe you a great deal for finding her and bringing her home safely."

Jacob's eyes grew wide. He didn't expect to hear my expression of gratitude. "It was nothing," he offered. "I just wish I could help her."

"I do too," I murmured sincerely, wishing only for Bella's happiness. I wondered if this boy made her happy, for I would gladly step aside to assure her contentedness. Since Bella had never mentioned him to me, I had no idea if he affected her joy, and felt compelled to keep him away and protect her, but I only had instinct to work from, and my instincts had not proved sharp lately.

"I guess I'll go home then, and come back in the morning to check on her," Jacob informed me.

"I wish you wouldn't come without calling first. If she's resting, then we should let her rest."

"Right…good point…I'll call her…ah, you, I guess? Can I get your number?"

"Of course," I agreed, handing him a pad of paper and pen. "Write down your number so I can call you if I need to, and I'll do the same." I scribbled down my number and we exchanged slips of paper. "Jacob?"

"Yes?" His deep-set eyes were dark and questioning.

"Thank you for everything you did for her tonight. As horrible as it was to come home and find Bella like this, it would have been much worse if she hadn't been here at all, or if I had to go looking for her. I can tell you care for her. If you ever need anything, I gladly offer my aide."

"Thanks. I wasn't trying to step on your toes earlier. It's just that Bella never mentioned she had a boyfriend, and I didn't want to leave her with someone she doesn't trust."

"And I appreciate that. I will make sure she's taken care of. You have my word on that."

He nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I was by Bella's side before the door clicked shut. She was still sleeping. She looked pale and worn out - far from the peaceful angel I'd seen sleeping in Alice's vision a couple of hours earlier. I knelt down beside the bed, taking her tiny hand in mine and holding it loosely while I waited for Carlisle to arrive. I knew he would make Bella a priority; that I wouldn't have to wait long. Within ten minutes I heard his soft knock on the door. I flew to the door to let him in.

"Edward." His gentle voice was saturated with concern and pity.

"This way, Carlisle."

I led him upstairs to her room and brought him over to the bed where she lay.

"I'm assuming Alice caught you up on everything?" I inquired quietly, so I wouldn't disturb Bella.

"Yes, she did. How are you?"

"Please just check Bella over. It doesn't matter how I'm doing."

"It matters to me," he replied softly, settling on the edge of the bed and opening his bag for his stethoscope. I watched as he checked her pulse and respiration rate and listened to her heartbeat.

"She was tachycardiac before her syncopic episode," I offered. "Pale and weak. A friend found her. He had to support most of her weight so I'm assuming she was weak. She never actually told me that she felt that way."

"Did she say anything to you?" Carlisle wondered.

"No. She hasn't spoken a word since I got here…not one word."

"Anything else you can tell me about her condition?"

"I didn't notice any dizziness, but she seemed very incognizant. Jacob told me she had at least two other syncopic episodes before I got here. He also mentioned that she seemed dazed, like she was on drugs, and was talking about her truck and asking for help. I saw the pictures in his mind. She was having flashbacks I think." I swallowed hard to displace the anguish that knotted my throat closed so I could continue. "Flashbacks of Rosalie…of being chased. She kept looking behind her."

"Edward, I'm so sorry, son."

"Is there anything we can do for her? Tests or anything?" The last thing I wanted to do was talk about me.

"Well, I'm sure you're aware that if she were admitted to the hospital, she'd have blood drawn so we could check her haemoglobin levels, just to rule out anaemia, and we'd run an electrocardiogram to watch the activity of her heart, but I also know that you understand that there is nothing wrong with her heart. We know what caused the fainting, and the shock."

"So it's just shock then? Nothing more serious?"

"Her vitals are stable and within the normal range. She seems to be resting comfortably. Her mind just needs time to recover."

"How long will that take?" I knew the answer, but I wanted his expert opinion.

"We don't know how badly she took the information. If the news wasn't too extreme to her, since she's been removed from the source of the stress, her symptoms could resolve in a couple of hours. If the information was processed in a more acute manner, her symptoms will diminish after a day or two, with the majority of symptoms gone by the end of three days."

"Will she remember what happened?"

"It's possible she might forget, but that would most likely be a temporary amnesia. The flashbacks may continue…bad dreams, anxiety, but that would only be if the condition transforms into an acute stress disorder. I don't think you have to be concerned about that right now, Edward."

"I have to be concerned about everything, Carlisle. This is my fault. I have to somehow explain this to her guardian. And if she'll even talk to me, I have to find a way to make her understand that this was all a horrible case of bad timing. This afternoon… we were supposed to have this discussion this afternoon. I could have spared her all of this if I had just insisted we talk."

"She loves you, Edward. She will find a way to understand."

"You didn't see the look in her eyes…you don't know everything that's she's been through…"

"Perhaps," he murmured. "But I know what she's brought out in you, and you in her I suspect. I know love is the strongest bond that can exist between two people, capable of amazing and inexplicable feats."

"Can we give her something to ensure a peaceful rest?" I suggested, changing the subject. I didn't deserve to hope for anything from her. If anything good could come from this at all, the only thing I had a right to hope for was a full recovery for Bella.

"I can give her a sedative," Carlisle agreed. "In fact, it's a good idea. Good thinking, son." He reached into his bag and pulled out a vile diazepam. "This will help her relax and sleep, and I can come back and check her when she wakes if you like."

She flinched a small amount when the needle went into her arm, but her eyes never opened. Carlisle was wondering why her blood didn't even tempt me.

"I don't even think about it anymore. I've grown used to the way her scent stimulates me. I can't even imagine hurting her that way."

"It's rather amazing really. You're to be commended, Edward."

"Hardly," I muttered. "I'll walk you out."

Carlisle followed me to the door. He was worried about me. I took a small amount of comfort from the fact that he wasn't worried about Bella. He was a good man and an excellent doctor. If he were at all concerned about her health, he would have had her checked into the hospital.

"Will you stay with her tonight?" he wondered.

"If I can get a hold of her guardian, no, but I don't want her to be alone. It's my fault she's in this mess. I should at least have the decency to care for her."

"Edward, you have to stop blaming yourself. Even in you had told her, there are no guarantees that she wouldn't have had an extreme reaction to your words. She's a fragile young woman. You can't predict how she would have reacted, so stop acting as if you can. She may wake up tomorrow morning like nothing has changed."

"Or she may never want to see me ever again."

"Things are rarely so black and white. Go and take care of her. I'm a phone call away if you need me." He patted my shoulder and left.

I checked on Bella quickly, and then stepped into the hallway to try Charlie's cell phone number again. He still didn't answer so I left a message this time.

"Charlie, this is Edward Cullen. I'm here at the house with Bella. She was out hiking earlier and lost her way. A friend of hers named Jacob found her and brought her home, but unfortunately, she experienced something traumatic while in the forest and has had an acute stress reaction…shock. I hesitate to use the word. She's quite fine, I assure you. My father, Dr. Cullen, checked her over himself. I don't want to worry you and I'm more than happy to watch over her until you can get home. I'm sure she'd love to see you. Please call me back when you get this message." I left my cell phone number and then ended the call. I truly would have rather spoken with him myself, but I had no idea if he even left his cell phone on or how often he even checked his messages.

I went back to Bella's bedside. My mind ran a gamut of things I could do to ensure a good night's rest for her. She seemed deeply asleep and I thought perhaps I could make her more comfortable by changing her into some pajamas. I took off her shoe and sock, a simple task, and then tackled the thick sweater she wore, which was much more complicated to get off of her. I took it one step at a time, persuading each arm from its sleeve and then eased the sweater up over her head. I cradled her head in my hand and pulled the sweater from underneath her. Once I had it off, I froze.

She was wearing my shirt, the one I had left for her. I blinked, trying to make sure I was seeing things correctly, and let it sink in. _She was wearing my shirt._ The rush of emotions borne of the realization was so strong it was staggering. Mingled with those emotions were my memories of our night together. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Could it have only been last night?

I knew she'd probably be more comfortable in something else, but I didn't take it off of her. I selfishly wanted her in it, a tiny link to me that I had no right to take, but did. I eased her out of her jeans gently, and then lifted her body to mine so I could put her under the covers. Once she was in my arms, I couldn't set her back down. Her warmth against me palliated my fears, and I hoped it somehow made her feel safe too. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding her in my arms, and stared at her sleeping face. There were so many things I wanted to say to her.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I murmured regretfully. "I don't even know if you can hear me, or if you want to hear me, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid I'd lose you…and now that seems so unjustly selfish of me. I would have told you today…but that's no excuse for what you've been put through. I should have told you long before now. I was trying to protect you, even if what you truly needed protection from was me." She didn't move or acknowledge me and I squelched my urge to wake her. It wasn't fair to her. Just because I desired a response gave me no right to seek one. "Please be okay," I begged. "You mean everything to me, but I'll handle this however you want me to. If you want me to leave you alone, I will try. I just need you to be okay."

She was motionless in my arms, breathing in and out as her heart beat rhythmically. Her heartbeat had become the soundtrack of my life, one of the single most defining sounds of my existence. I didn't know how to define my day without its cadence. I had not spent a lot of time considering what I would do if Bella decided against continuing our relationship. My faith in our love had grown stronger on its own, and I suppose, if I was being completely honest with myself, I had begun to depend on my faith as the only possibility. I had always told myself that I would leave her alone if she requested it, but now that the possibility was before me I wasn't sure I could. Before Bella, rather than take part in life, it just sort of happened around me while I went about my duties – feeding regularly, playing my part, protecting my family. Since Bella, my world had become an endless array of colour and light. Her laughter was like the stars that lit my sky, her smile like my sun. The notion of living without her was almost unfathomable.

I had been selfish long enough, and laid Bella down, tucking the covers in around her. She shifted on to her side with her back towards me, and I wondered if she was inviting me to her, like we'd slept last night. It was a silly wish, but the idea consumed my thoughts. I gave into my helplessness and let myself believe that Bella wanted me to hold her. I snuggled myself against her, pushing myself into the curves of her body. I didn't allow myself the luxury of touching her; waking her up tonight would be irresponsible, but I wove my arm under hers and around her waist. The way her hand laid limply curved around my wrist helped me believe in the illusion that she wanted me there.

I tucked my nose into her hair and just breathed her in, letting each breath she took comfort me, and kept time with her heartbeat. If there were a God, then with each breath she would be closer to normal. I'd been stupid and foolish to keep the truth from Bella, but even now I was hoping she'd forgive me, even after she'd found out the truth in such a disturbing and graphic way.

I treasured the moments of quiet in a different way. When Bella woke up, I knew everything would be different. Whether she forgave me or was angry with me or even still wanted to be with me, things between us would never be quite the same again. Our innocence was lost. Perhaps if I had been able to say the words to her instead of having her see my kind at our lowest immoral cipher, then I might have been able to protect it. Just the word vampire evoked horror and fear. My only saving grace was that she knew me, that I could be trusted and valued and even loved. She had done all of those things while I was a vampire, so perhaps she would not equate me with the revulsion and fright the word normally held. Still, I couldn't imagine it would be an easy thing for a human to accept. She would be justified if she were angry with me and rid her life of me. Had someone told me some months ago that a vampire and a human could find perfect happiness together, I would have sat on my high horse and laughed them out of the room. I didn't know that a human existed who could change my world the way Bella had. It would be soon enough that I would find out if she was that one human who would not be put off by loving a monster.

Charlie phoned early, around 7:00 AM. He was only thirty minutes away. He'd left his fishing trip earlier when he got my message but didn't bother to call because of the late hour. I re-explained Bella's condition and assured him that Bella was still sleeping restfully. He didn't ask about the cause of the shock, which I was thankful for; he only seemed to care that she was safe. He and I had a lot more in common than I'd ever realized before. I made my way downstairs with a blanket and pillow and tried to make the couch look slept on.

I spent the short while waiting for Charlie's arrival watching Bella from the doorway of her bedroom, thinking about the journey we had taken together, so many firsts, so much evolution, but above all, a love that changed both of us. I was both anxious and nervous for Bella to awaken. I didn't know if this was the end of our journey together or not, but it didn't feel like it was.

I was waiting in the living room when Charlie walked in. He was unsurprised to see me. I rose to my feet and went to greet him. I don't know why; it just seemed like the right thing to do.

"How's Bella?" It was the only thought in his frantic and worried mind.

"She's still sleeping. My father gave her a sedative last night to ensure a good night's rest."

"Is it normal that she's still sleeping?" he wondered.

"I think under the circumstances, yes it is normal. Is Bella normally an early riser?"

"No…it's just…" His thoughts were complicated by Bella's grief. He was worried she might be adversely affected because of the difficulty she had after losing her mother.

"Charlie, the shock is a temporary condition. I don't think you need to anticipate any longer term effects from the episode."

"Has she awoken at all?"

"Not since last night. Her body is trying to heal itself though, so it's not unusual that she might spend more time resting than she normally would."

"You seem to know an awful lot about it?" He was wondering why I was so versed in subject of shock.

"I Googled it last night after my father left, just to make sure I understood it fully." He seemed satisfied with my answer, and a lie was easier than the truth.

"You probably need to get going home, eh? Your folks are probably worried?"

"My father gave me his consent to stay after I explained that you were out of town. I was planning to shower and change at home and then come back, if that's permissible?"

"Sure. I'm sure Bella will want to see you when she wakes up."

"Can I bring you anything when I come back?" I wondered, trying to remember my manners. "Do you like coffee?"

"You don't have to go to the trouble, Edward."

"It's no trouble, sir. I'll bring some for you, and some tea for Bella."

"Thanks, son."

I nodded and left, anxious to help in any way I could. I took the Volvo home, and slipped in and out of the house quickly, grabbing a shower and a change of clothing and avoiding everyone. I wasn't positive that my family wasn't keeping their distance on purpose, but that suited my purpose just fine. I was in no mood to make idle chitchat or discuss Bella's prognosis.

I took off on foot, heading toward the clearing to begin my search for answers. The first thing I found was Bella's truck, parked in its usual position on the side of the road. At least one thing was as it should be. I checked the truck for the keys but they were not in it.

The clearing held no answers for me at all. I still couldn't imagine what had attracted Bella further into the forest, but I tracked her scent through the trees, following the path she took when she came across Rosalie. I could still see the remnants of her struggle – leaves pushed side in frantic piles, her flashlight lying further off the path – I could even smell her blood, now dried, on the debris that covered the forest floor.

I continued on her path, fetching her flashlight as I moved. My eyes searched as I went, looking for signs of Bella, for any clue that might give me a better idea of what she'd been through. I found broken branches that she forced out of her way, and others that wouldn't move for her and kept a piece of her for themselves - hair and some blood and even a chunk of flesh. As I travelled, I found her lip balm and then her keys. Finally, I found the indentation that fit her diminutive body in the spot I'd seen in Jacob's thoughts. She'd travelled nearly four miles from the spot where she started, in an effort to get away from Rosalie. For a girl with only human vision and no flashlight to lead her through the blackness of a midnight forest, that was an incredible distance, and that didn't even take into account her broken leg. My poor Bella, battered and broken by what she saw, battered and broken by her getaway. I could only hope that her mind would repress the appallingly abominable memories of last night. She never deserved to see such horror.

I ran back to her truck and began the drive back to town. On my way through, I stopped at the diner for coffee and tea and a couple of muffins. They looked revolting to me, but the clerk recommended them because they were fresh out of the oven. I took her word for it. I pulled up in front of Bella's house five minutes later.

I knocked quietly on the door. I didn't know if she would be up and I certainly didn't want to wake her. I could hear Charlie making his way to the door. His mind was in turmoil, and I didn't take it as a good sign.

"Hi, Edward," he greeted me, keeping a hand on the old wooden door, blocking the entrance way with his body.

"I brought you some coffee and muffins, and a tea for Bella." I smiled cheerfully; my mask was fixed. "Did Bella wake up?"

"Yeah, she did," he admitted. I couldn't get a clear read on his thoughts. He was trying to decide if he should give me his opinion or hers. "Listen, Edward, I'm grateful that you were here to take care of her last night, and I know you care for her, but she's asked me to keep you out of here."

"Did she say why?" I asked. I didn't really want to hear his answer, but I did want to read his thoughts. He thought Bella was overreacting and didn't understand what had gone wrong, but he was trying to respect her wishes.

"She said she wanted to be alone." His thoughts told the real truth. She said she didn't want to see me. I could see her face in his mind – teary eyes, her expression upset. She'd given him no details.

"How was she?" I asked, knowing in my heart she was not okay, and that it was my fault that she wasn't.

"She's not herself. She was…upset. She didn't say very much to me, and I didn't want to push her. She'll tell me when she's ready. I'm sure she's just overreacting, probably just a side effect of the shock. In fact, the more I think about it, she's probably just over tired from everything she went through and not thinking straight." Charlie didn't want me to feel bad. He truly felt she would get over whatever was bothering her. He had no idea how deep it ran for her, not like I did.

"You're probably right. I'll give her the morning to herself and check back later this afternoon, if that's okay with you, Charlie?" I could hear Alice's mind. She was already on her way to me, coming to pick me up, having seen what would happen. I offered him the food in my hands and waited for him to take it from me.

"Knock yourself out, kid!" He liked that I was fighting for Bella; not a response I expected from him. Perhaps he saw the two of us as allies now.

"May I make a small request of you?" I wondered. "Jacob, the boy that found Bella, was hoping to stop by and check on her. I don't know if Bella would like to see him or not, but he left his cell phone number with me, assuming I would be the one taking care of her. Perhaps you wouldn't mind asking Bella and giving him a call? We both owe him our gratitude since he was the one who found her and got her home safely."

"Of course," Charlie agreed, taking the slip of paper from my hand. I'd had enough trouble handling their closeness. I didn't want to have to call Jacob and explain that I didn't know if she would see him. Moreover, I didn't want to confess that she wouldn't see me. It was like admitting he'd won the duel for her hand. Perhaps he had?

I nodded and turned my back to walk away. Charlie followed me on to the porch. He spoke in a hushed, sympathetic voice.

"Listen, Edward, she's been through a lot, what with her mom…"

"I know she has."

"Just give her some time to calm down. She needs some time to take stock of things and get everything lined up in a way that's comfortable for her. I'm sure she'll come around." I could see that Charlie understood the way her mind worked, and in any other situation I would have agreed with him.

"I hope she does."

"And if she doesn't, I'll go to bat for you. You've been good for her, whether she realizes it or not."

"Thanks, Charlie."

"Hang in there, kid."

I nodded and walked away from him. I chose to start the walk home instead of waiting idly by the curb for Alice. I couldn't stand there and have Charlie staring at me. I couldn't stand there and pretend I was okay. I couldn't stand there, so near to Bella, and fight the urge to go to her. Alice caught up with me a block away. I got in the car without a word. Alice didn't speak to me either. I'm sure she suspected how I must be feeling, or had seen it. Either way, we drove home in silence. I went straight to my room and locked myself in.

I'd been so sure our love was enough, so sure she would be able to look past the one flaw in me that I could not change. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. No one could love a monster. I'd always known it. I'd just stopped believing it for a while.

I stripped off my clothes and put the ones I'd changed out of earlier back on. They smelled like her. It was all I had of her – her scent on my clothes.

I could feel my body shutting down - the numbness trickling into my fingertips, the slow burn on the back of my neck creeping up my spine and taking over. The colour was draining from my surroundings; no pink the colour of her lips, no brown like her beautiful eyes, just an endless palette of greys; the darkest shadows threatening from the corners. I didn't want to think or feel or even be aware. I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes and waited for complete numbness to take me.

She was out of my reach.

There was no reason to go on.

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**A/N:** Please review.


	39. Awakening

**A/N:** Customary disclaimer, in Italian today, because I was fondly remembering the New Moon set shots form Montepulicano. I' il ll dice che la I non possiede oggi niente di penombra in italiano, perché stavo ricordando affettuoso i colpi dell'insieme di Montepulciano. Nessuna mancanza di rispetto o violazione dei diritti di autore progettata.

As always, thank you for all of the review. You guys rock!

Just a little reminder about the Out Of Choices Playlist. If you're interested in music, there's a link in my profile.

**From Bella's POV**…

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I opened my eyes slowly, stuck in this weird sort of déjà vu memory. The light filtering through the curtains told me it was daytime, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it should be nighttime. I threw my hand clumsily behind me, feeling around blindly for him. He wasn't there.

"Edward?" I called softly, pushing myself with my arms and sitting up. He didn't answer.

He promised me he'd be here when I woke up in the morning, and I could have sworn he was just here, spooned against me while I was sleeping. I was sure of it. I rubbed my sleepy eyes and tried to focus. I normally didn't feel this foggy in the morning. A noise in the hallway caught my attention and I turned to look, expecting to see Edward. It wasn't Edward, it was Charlie, only, Charlie was supposed to be gone for another couple of days. I looked at him confused.

"Bells, you're awake," he greeted me, walking into my bedroom and sitting down on the bed. I found his actions strange. He normally never set foot in my room, let alone joined me on the bed. Something strange was going on.

"What are you doing home?" I asked. The voice that came out of my dry throat was hoarse and broken.

"Edward called me last night to tell me what happened. How are you feeling?"

Edward called him to tell him we had sex? That was impossible. Edward would never do that in a million years. He knew I was a private person. He would never betray my trust.

"I'm…okay…I guess," I replied hesitantly, trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling. "I feel kind of fuzzy."

"I think that would be the diazepam that Dr. Cullen gave you. Edward said it might leave you feeling a bit dazed when you woke up."

Dr. Cullen gave me Valium? What the fuck did I need Valium for?

"I don't understand," I whispered, looking at Charlie's face, trying to understand his expression. He was looking back at me with…pity. I could feel the panic starting.

"You got lost in the forest last night, and some kid named Jacob found you and brought you home."

"Jacob was here?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever. I hadn't seen him in weeks. He didn't know how to find me. He didn't even know my last name.

"Edward wasn't sure of all the details. You were pretty out of it when they brought you home. He said you were hiking, although damn it Bella, what the hell you were doing out in the middle of the forest at night, alone, is beyond me. You know better than that."

The memories started to trickle into my consciousness.

"Edward said you ran across something that scared you, like a wild animal or something."

Blonde hair. Topaz eyes. Lightening fast movement.

"He figures that's what sent you into shock."

Dead deer. Bloody lips. No weapon.

"Whatever it was, it must have really scared you for you to take off the way you did. Jacob found you in the middle of nowhere."

A feint. A growl. A hiss.

I shuddered. I could feel the tears forming. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I raised my eyes to Charlie's and looked at him. Everything was beginning to feel like it was moving in slow motion, spinning around in my head.

"And look at your knees, Bella. They're all cut up. You must have really taken a spill out there."

Fear. Pain. Numbness.

I looked down at my knees, scratched and scabbed.

Falling. Crawling. Scrambling.

Faded images came into my head, flickering, random and out of order - a house I didn't recognize, a soothing voice, a claustrophobic truck cab, the sensation of electricity that felt wrong and right at the same time, running until I collapsed, a cool hand on my cheek.

"It's okay, Bells. You're safe."

I didn't feel safe. I felt terrified.

"Don't cry, honey. You're okay. Nothing hurt you, thank God."

If nothing hurt me, then why did I hurt?

"Edward took care of everything. He had Dr. Cullen come check you over. He got Jacob's number for you. He called me to tell me what happened to you, and then he stayed with you until I got home."

And worst of all, Edward was a part of this.

"Edward was here?" I asked.

I was right. I hadn't imagined him beside me all night.

"Yes. He left about a half hour ago to shower and change. He'll be back soon."

"No!" I blurted. It was better he was gone.

"He'll be right back, Bells. You don't need to worry."

"No, please, Charlie," I begged, a full on panic making my chest feel weighted down.

"Bella, what's going on? What aren't you telling me?"

I gasped for breath.

"Did he hurt you?" Charlie demanded.

"No!" I insisted, as the tears started falling more freely.

I concentrated on my breathing, trying to slow it down before I started hyperventilating. I couldn't face Edward until I understood things better. Everything was all jumbled up in my head.

"Bells, did something happen last night between you and him? Is he the reason you're so freaked out?"

I couldn't tell him what happened. I couldn't even make sense of it all myself. If I told Charlie what I saw, he would think I was officially off my rocker. I wasn't entirely sure that he wouldn't be right. I reminded myself to breathe slowly.

"I don't want to see him right now," I whispered between breaths.

I needed to think. I needed to figure out what the hell was going on, and I needed to do it alone.

"Okay…fine…relax. If you don't want to see him, I'll keep him out of here, but you're going to have to tell me what's going on, young lady."

"I can't, Charlie."

"Why?"

"Because I don't understand it myself," I admitted. I hugged my legs to my chest for comfort.

"Bella, what happened?"

"Please just leave me alone so I can think. I promise I'll talk to you after I sort it all out."

"I'm holding you to that." He kissed my forehead gently and left, closing the door behind him.

Once my breathing was back to normal, I looked around my room. Everything was completely the same as it was twenty-four hours ago – books on my desk, the chair pulled out, a pile of laundry in the corner – but nothing felt the same. It didn't even look the same, even though I knew it was. It was like my eyes were seeing things for the first time. There was dust on the top of my monitor that needed to be cleaned, a crack in the plaster behind the door, and the throw rug was not lying perpendicular to the wall like it should be. Tens of insignificant things stood out to me, things I'd lived with for months that had never bothered me enough to even capture my attention now stood out as glaring anomalies.

I started by righting what I could. I picked up the laundry and put it in the clothesbasket in my closet. I wiped the top of the monitor with a tissue. I straightened the throw rug, aligning it with the baseboard and forcing the corners of it under the dresser and under the bed so it wouldn't slip from its now proper position. I put the loose books on my bookshelf. I made my bed. I straightened and put away every superfluous article that had a home. My room had never looked so clean, and it couldn't distract me from my thinking.

I flopped back on the bed; slightly more calm and ready to dissect the thoughts in my brain. I pushed my head into the pillow, trying to find a comfortable position and was inundated by Edward's scent. I didn't like the way it made me feel at all, my stomach fluttering in an unfamiliar way. I knew I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag with his scent all around me, so I got up and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Charlie would have to use the outdoor facilities. I needed a place to think.

I climbed into the bathtub and sat down, pulling my legs up to my chest. I told myself I did it because it made me feel strong, but it also made me feel like I couldn't fall apart. I couldn't afford go to pieces if I was going to get this mess figured out. I had to do everything I could to stay focused. I owed it to myself.

I started with what I saw last night. The vision of Rosalie in my mind made me shiver, but one thing was for sure, it was Rosalie. Regardless of the reason she was in the forest after midnight, I was positive that, one, it wasn't my imagination, and two, it was indeed Rosalie that I saw. Was I sure it was blood on her lips? Not one hundred percent positive. I knew there was a dead deer that she was crouching over top of, and that it seemed freshly killed. There was no rigor mortis in the carcass. In fact, thinking back, the animal seemed barely dead, almost as if I'd happened upon her mid-kill. My frame of reference was a dead mouse. I spent a summer co-op term working for an immunology professor at Arizona State University. His fourth year students were creating hybridoma cells using the spleens from mice. The mice had to be killed fresh and I could remember the limpness of their bodies after the professor broke their necks. It was just like the deer I saw Rosalie with.

I still couldn't get my mind wrapped around how she could kill a deer with her bare hands. The strength that would be necessary to break the neck of a full-grown buck was unfathomable to me. It just wasn't possible if Rosalie was a normal, average eighteen-year-old female. So if she had the strength to do just that, then she was no average eighteen-year-old female, but what was she?

There was something about the way she moved that was nagging at me like it was important. I searched my mind for the precursor that made her speed and movement familiar. She was, just like always, entirely graceful in the way she moved. I'd always thought Edward and Alice, and really the whole Cullen family, were too damn elegant for their own good. It was like watching a ballroom dancer; each step they took flowed with the next, precise and refined but completely effortless, in an overwhelming 'can't be natural' way. The first time I'd noticed it, I thought it was a result of their wealthy upbringing, like they'd all been to charm school or something, but looking back, all five of them and even Esme, their movement wasn't natural at all. What I constituted as elegance went so much further than gracefulness or poise. They moved like animals – with all the magnificence of a leaping gazelle or the majesty of a gliding eagle – unerringly steady and smooth and exact – poetry in motion. Through the filter of my clumsiness, it just seemed like I was a klutz, but that wasn't the case. Yes, I was a bull in a china shop, but they were not normal.

The speed was not normal either. There were times when Edward seemed to appear out of nowhere. When it happened, I just figured I wasn't paying proper attention. God knows that his beautiful face was a constant distraction. No one would blame me for being caught off guard by his presence after looking at him, but what if it wasn't that? What if the speed I'd seen Rosalie's hand move at was the explanation for all of those times when Edward seemed to do something more quickly than I expected him too? What if he was capable of that same mind-boggling quickness? My mind went back to the school parking lot when he dropped me off at my truck after our picnic. One second he was sitting beside me in the Volvo, and then I blinked and he was opening my door. I had refused to think about it that day, too caught up in my fear to question how it was possible, and wrote it off as me not paying attention. In the light of my observations of Rosalie, I was indeed paying attention, and Edward had moved out of the driver's seat, around twenty feet of automobile and to my door in about one second of time. That was far from normal.

I started going back over our history, questioning everything I'd ever noticed, trying to connect it to what I'd seen in the forest.

The thing that stuck out the most to me was food. Edward never ate or drank anything. It wasn't an exaggeration or oversimplification. In all the time I'd spent with him, and Alice and Jasper and Emmett come to think of it, I had never once seen any of them eat. Edward didn't buy anything when we ate lunch together. I'd seen Alice buy food and pick it to death, but when I fought hard to recall if I'd ever seen her take an actual bite, I couldn't say for sure that I had. I had short-sightedly decided Edward had food hang-ups, that he didn't like to eat in public places or had some kind of specialized diet, but even on our picnic, when he packed the food himself, he never took a single bite, not even when I offered him a strawberry. Instead he kissed me, thereby deferring eating and distracting me. It was beyond strange. Given the amount of time I'd spent with him, I should have seen him eat something.

I thought back to the picnic, to some of the differences that Edward had pointed out, like the differences in our skin and eye colour. We were both pale, but there were plenty of people who were. It wasn't a crime or an act against God. Some of us just didn't tan. I remembered once wondering if Edward was allergic to the sun because Edward was pale to the extreme, but then disregarded the idea when I learned about the family camping trips. Wouldn't you get tanned on a camping trip though? Even wearing sunblock, long sleeves and a hat, the likelihood that you'd get no sun at all was minuscule. His hands would have gotten some colour. His face would have gotten some colour. The skin on his neck and chest that his shirt didn't cover would have gotten some colour. Yet, I'd seen him naked. He had no tan lines. He had not lines at all. His body was evenly pale, like he couldn't tan, but he couldn't be albino because he would burn. I'd seen nothing but pale, uncoloured flesh, and most certainly not burned skin. Besides, if he were albino, his hair and eye colour would be affected. Unless he wore contacts and dyed his hair, albinism wasn't likely.

There were other differences with his skin too, like temperature and hardness. Edward's skin temperature was consistently cool. Having very warm skin myself, I'd always thought that he was my opposite that way, the winter to my summer. Maybe I just enjoyed the contrast to my own temperature mixed with our bizarre electricity, or maybe, and much more likely, I was just fooling myself. The reasons I'd assigned to it were beginning to fall apart. It wasn't poor circulation or disease. It was something else, something other - something not normal. Skin wasn't supposed to be that hard either. Sure, young skin had good elasticity and firmness, but not the sort that Edward's had. There was no suppleness to it; like it lacked hydration, yet it was as smooth as baby's skin. Skin normally became rougher with age, rougher and less elastic and dryer. Edward's was gaining elasticity instead of losing it, and becoming smoother instead of rougher. Was that even possible? It was like his skin was aging backwards, or not aging at all, but that was just ridiculous.

A comment Edward made during our picnic came to my mind. He told me his eyes were once green, not the warm butterscotch colour I had come to know. I knew that eye colour could vary with time, lightening or darkening due to changes in hormones, age and disease, but for eyes to actually change colour, from green to topaz, had to be a genetic defect, some sort of inherited problem that presented upon a particular event. It wasn't out of the realm of possibility, but it didn't answer the one question I had. If Edward's eyes changed from green to topaz, why would his topaz eyes match the eyes of his family? Dr. Cullen and Esme were not his biological parents, nor were Rosalie and Jasper his biological siblings. How was it possible for Edward to have an inherited genetic defect that changed his eye colour to an exact match with the rest of his family, when a blood relation existed between only forty percent of them? I knew the answer to my question; it wasn't, and that meant the reason for Edward's eye colour change had nothing to do with genetics. It also meant I had no logical explanation for it.

Before me, all the Cullen children kept to themselves. Jessica Stanley had rudely drilled me for an answer about why Edward had given me the time of day and confirmed the rumours I'd already heard - that the Cullen kids did not mix with the student body. That had not been my experience with them though. Aside from Rosalie, every Cullen I met was warm and friendly to me. Why me? Why not Jessica or Lauren Mallory or Mike Newton? Why was I the one to be centred out and welcomed by this family when every other person had been shunned? Was it simply because Edward was interested in me or was there more to the story? Had Alice seen something that told him to befriend me, or seen that he would fall in love with me? Was that why she welcomed me when Rosalie did not?

Rosalie had always made it clear that I was not invited to the party, not as a part of her life, and, I suspected, not even in the lives of her family members. I was clearly an outsider in Rosalie's eyes. I'd never thought about why, because I couldn't change it, but I also never understood it. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. It's not as if I had the ability to challenge her in any way. I was nothing special to look at. I was not the smartest or the sportiest or the most popular. I was average. I was everything Rosalie was not, yet she'd always hated me. What had I done to deserve her disdain? Fallen for her brother? Befriended her sister? What was so wrong with me that a total stranger hated me? There had to be more to it, something that I was overlooking.

It was an odd coincidence that Rosalie's reaction to me was very similar to Edward's initial reaction to me. The first day in biology, when I sat next to him, I could feel his hatred for me rolling off of him in waves. I never did ask Edward what exactly I'd said or done that pissed him off that day, but I never for a moment doubted that I was the cause of his acrimony. His holier-than-thou attitude made me angry, but he never seemed out of control like Rosalie had. Then again, control was something that Edward excelled at. The only place I'd ever seen his control slip was during sex. I assumed the lack of control was related to the fact that he was virgin, but maybe it was more than that. He asked for me to tell him what I was going to do before I did it, and the couple of times my reaction had caught him off guard, he got carried away, but not in a dangerous way. His lack of control never frightened me. In fact, I understood how easy it was to get swept away in the power of our connection. And he certainly never tried to hurt me.

Maybe I had read it wrong. Maybe that lack of control was related to the same animal-like behaviour I'd seen in Rosalie. Maybe the reason he needed to maintain control at all times was because he was trying to suppress that behaviour, or because if he lost control, then whatever he was trying to hide might come out. It sounded idiotic to me, like David Banner and the Hulk, minus the green skin and giant body. It was an ironic comparison though. The Hulk was a misunderstood hero who never wanted to hurt anyone, but no one could look past his scary exterior to see the real person inside. As moronic as the comparison made me feel, I couldn't help wondering if it was something just like this that Edward was hiding.

The difference between Rosalie and Edward was that Edward had actually tried to get know me, even after such a strange and strongly negative reaction to me initially. It was no easy road. I didn't forgive him very quickly for being such a prick to me. He was determined to keep me talking though, no matter how hard I made it for him. He never stopped trying either, not until he got me to open up to him. I remembered telling him once what old-fashioned expressions he used, things I remembered my grandmother saying. He was a throw back to another time in manners and language. It was another way he was unlike anyone else I knew, another way he was not normal.

My mind was spinning. There had to be something that I wasn't seeing or considering. He had shown me pieces of himself. Maybe I just wasn't putting them together properly? What was normal anyway? Was Mike Newton normal? Was Jessica Stanley normal? Was I even normal? I could feel my focus shifting, readying to make excuses for Edward before I even understood what was going on. I forced myself to concentrate. There was no avoiding this until I could connect everything.

Edward was…not normal. He was beyond beautiful, another trait he shared with his family members, along with pale skin, topaz eyes, animal-like movement and probably speed. He was raised properly – well spoken, polite, chivalrous – a gentleman. His skin was cold, hard and smooth; unlike anyone else's skin I'd ever touched. He never ate or drank. And he had a sister that hated me that was likely capable of breaking a full-grown deer's neck with her hands. The facts didn't add up to an answer.

I tried to think of a time that Edward might have shown me his physical strength, like what I suspected Rosalie had used on the deer. He certainly had no problem carrying me, although a man of his size carrying a woman of mine wasn't exactly a feat of superhuman strength. The only thing I could think of was finding him in my room after locking him out of the house. He didn't break down the door or anything, but perhaps he'd shown me his strength in another way, by climbing through my window. There was no easy way to get to the window in my room, no trees to climb and nothing to help someone scale the side of the house, like a trellis. The only choice to get to my window was to climb the porch overhang. That would make him agile and lithe, but it was hardly a feat of super strength for him to be able to hoist his own body weight up twelve feet. Maybe I was wrong about the strength. Beyond telling me that it would take a lot to bring him down, I couldn't remember anything that pointed to any sort of above average strength.

Rather than leading me to answers, my thoughts were just taking me in circles. I wasn't even sure I knew what I was trying to figure out any longer beyond trying to label Edward. A label wasn't going to tell me shit. It was just another mask, as big a mask as the one he'd been wearing. Maybe I was wrong to assume what I'd seen last night had something to do with his secret. What did I know about his secret besides it being something that was serious, permanent and part of him? He'd never said whether it was something physical or psychological, whether it was something from his past or something recent, or whether it was something he had in common with his family or his problem alone. I was just making assumptions in an effort to understand, but that didn't mean I was right, or that I was even on the right track.

I understood the meaning in very little of what I saw last night, but what I did understand was that I hadn't looked at any part of Edward with discerning eyes. I'd seen what I wanted to see – a muscular frame, cool skin, uniquely coloured eyes – accepting everything at face value, rather than looking deeper for the reasons behind things. I let his beauty and perfection distract me and keep me from questioning why his skin was hard and cold, or why every facet of his physical being was beyond perfect. I'd even disregarded Edward's own words, like when he'd told me his original eye colour was green, too afraid of what it might mean. What else had he said to me on our picnic? He'd told me that there was another explanation for why he didn't eat beyond my weak excuses about high school cafeterias and eating in public places. He'd intimated that his skin was unappealing, saying that it was "harder and colder," and "not natural," opening his shirt to prove to me that it was not like mine. He'd told me there was a reason for his "odd" eye colour, told me that his eyes varied in darkness and challenged me, sure that I must have seen the changes in them. He'd told me he wasn't like me, and when I told him I didn't care his exact words were: "you don't care what I am?" The significance of his choice of words had been lost on me that day. He was trying to tell me he was something, but was it something like Rosalie, something dark and insidious and potentially lethal?

I was more confused than ever. Trying to assign any of the things I'd seen in Rosalie in the forest to Edward just didn't make sense to me. He was loving and gentle and good; he made me feel safe and watched out for me, all things which were opposite to what I saw in Rosalie. It was like trying to make him into something that he wasn't. He was a good man, or my instincts and assessments were totally off, and if they were, did that mean I didn't really know Edward at all? Had he been lying to me all this time, hiding behind a mask and only showing me what he wanted me to see? The physical similarities between Rosalie and him and all the Cullens were unmistakeable. Did that mean the behavioural similarities were there too?

I could feel the anger growing inside of me. I felt stupid. I felt duped. I'd seen Edward through rose-coloured glasses, and idealized every thing about him. The truth was I couldn't even be mad at him. I was the one who didn't see things for what they were. I was the one who refused to acknowledge the truth, took the blame for the things that didn't make sense, and acted stupidly and irresponsibly. Even if he did hide parts of himself from me, I stubbornly refused to accept the parts he didn't hide. I let my own idiosyncrasies prejudice his honesty, assuming he was being hard on himself because that's what I did too. How idiotic of me to assume that he was insecure and would cut himself down. I was a moron and deserved to be duped.

With my legs still pulled to my chest, I let my elbows rest on my knees, and covered my head with my arms, bury my face in them. My hands burrowed into my hair and yanked on it. Anything felt better than the sting of my foolishness. I didn't care how hard I pulled. I would have done whatever was required to numb the feeling of my heart breaking. Like a baby, the tears came, and for a moment, I tried to convince myself that the cause was the pain from my scalp, but after all the lying I'd done to myself, there wasn't a single part of me that believed it.

I was a fool, and my heart was breaking, and I was in love with a man I didn't know.

I'm not sure how long I cried, however long it took for my tears to run out, to drain every bit of energy from my body and to soak my sleeves - basically the amount of time for a heart to shatter into a million pieces. Well, I couldn't say I hadn't warned myself. I'd always known if I gave Edward my heart that when he gave it back to me it would be ripped into shreds, and I deserved it for being so naïve.

I couldn't deal with thinking anymore, and decided to go back to bed. At least all the crying had exhausted me enough to sleep. I let go of the hair my fingers were threaded around and pulled my head out of my arms. As I stared down at the wet fabric, I felt a little bit ashamed of myself for giving in so fully to the sadness. The sleeves of my shirt were so soaked with tears I was going to have to change. Stiff and uncomfortable, I pulled myself out of the tub and hobbled to my room. As soon as I was in the safety of my room, I began to unbutton the shirt I was wearing, and as I did, I realized I was still wearing Edward's shirt, the one he'd brought for me that I was so happy to get because it was a tiny little link to him when he was in Seattle, the one I was so concerned with keeping clean that I wore an apron while I baked, the one that he left all on his own as a surprise for me. My fingers hesitated and then stopped, and I looked down at the placket like it held some answer for me.

I didn't want to take it off. If I took off his shirt, it was like the unofficial end of us. I didn't want things between Edward and I to be over. I didn't understand how they couldn't be over, but I still didn't want them to be, all the same.

Suddenly I heard his voice, quiet and clear, speaking to Charlie at the front door. Charlie was telling him that I'd been locked in the bathroom all morning. _Thanks, Charlie, way to take one for the team._ I couldn't hear Edward's response back to him, but I thought I heard him sigh. I tiptoed over to my door and cracked it open so I could hear them speak.

"I didn't call that Jacob kid. I figured if she didn't want to see you then she wouldn't want to see that clown."

Why was Charlie calling Jacob a clown? He didn't even know him. In fact, now that I thought about it, why was Charlie being so warm and friendly to Edward. Had they bonded while I was passed out?

"You should call him," Edward suggested, his voice controlled but pained. "If not for him, Bella might not have made it home safely. Besides, if Bella likes him and wants to be with him, then I'm going to have to step aside whether I want to or not."

Why would Edward think I liked Jacob? I barely knew the kid. I tried hard not to be insulted that he would think I was that fickle and uncommitted to us.

"Bella doesn't know what she wants," Charlie joked.

I concentrated even harder to hear Edward's response.

"I'm not so sure that's true, Charlie," Edward corrected. "I've hurt her by not being upfront with her about something. She has every right to never want to see me again."

I wondered what Rosalie had told him, how much he knew. Then again, Alice probably saw the whole thing go down, but if she did, why didn't she try to stop it? I felt a painful twisting in my stomach. Could they have stopped it if they wanted to?

"You've been good for her, Edward. Don't let a little teenage drama change that. Everybody goes through rough patches. You two will get past this."

"I hope so," Edward admitted. "I don't know what I'd do without her."

My hand flew to my mouth to cover it. The idea of Edward not being in my life was painful, and I didn't like hearing that Edward had considered a future that didn't include me.

"Now don't go thinking like that," Charlie advised. "Girls can be confusing as hell. Take my word for it; I've had enough relationships that I've had the shit kicked out of me a few times. Bella will come around. Mind you, I'm not saying she's going to make it easy for you. She is female, after all." He laughed at his own joke, but it wasn't his regular laugh. He was forcing it, probably in an effort to make Edward feel better. I wished I could see Edward's face to get a better idea of how he was feeling.

"I'd walk through fire for her, Charlie. If she gives me another chance, I'll go to the ends of the Earth to make things up to her, and if she makes things difficult for me, it will be nothing less than I deserve."

"I may not know a lot about what's going on with you two, kid, but I know this. Bella is as stubborn as they come. Gets it from her mother. She's got to take some responsibility here. I'm betting things aren't as one-sided as you're making them out to be."

Charlie was right. It wasn't one-sided, and I hated that Edward was taking all the blame. It wasn't as if he'd never tried to tell me the truth.

"Bella has been nothing but accepting and loving, sir. The fault is all mine."

I could hear the resignation in his voice. He was shouldering all the blame. I was torn between letting him and accepting mine. The again, did it matter who's fault it was? Laying blame wouldn't change the truth.

"So when will you be back?" Charlie asked.

Back? Edward was leaving?

"Probably not until tomorrow. My brother and I are driving his friend back to Canada."

Reality hit me hard, all at once. I'd been so caught up in my own selfish dilemma that I'd forgotten what was going on yesterday. Jasper was missing, and Edward and Alice had gone to try and find him. Was Jasper okay? Was Alice okay? Who was this friend Edward was referring to? And Edward was leaving again…so soon…and before we would have a chance to talk? I was immediately anxious.

"How far are you going?" Charlie inquired.

"Prince Rupert."

"That's quite a distance, well over a thousand miles away. You'll probably be two days then," Charlie decided.

He didn't know what a leadfoot Edward was. He'd be back in a day, but I still didn't like the idea of him going.

"We're not sure we're taking him all the way yet. There was some talk of him stopping to visit someone else."

"Oh, I see," Charlie mumbled. "What did you want me to tell Bella if she asks?"

"If you could please let her know that I had to leave town, and that I'll be back as soon as I can. She can reach me on my cell phone if she needs to." His voice sounded so sad that it hurt my heart. He was sure I wouldn't call him.

"Sure thing. Anything else?"

Edward hesitated. I held my breath while I waited for him to speak.

"Tell her I love her, and that I'm sorry."

My stomach dropped when his words hit my ears. I wasn't expecting him to be so upfront with Charlie. I heard Charlie clear his throat and shift uncomfortably.

"Does she know you love her, son?" he asked. I didn't understand what he meant by his question.

"She does, but she may have forgotten."

"I'll make sure she doesn't forget again," Charlie assured him.

"Thanks for your help, Charlie. I'll call when I get back to town. Please watch out for her."

"I will, Edward. Drive safely."

As soon as I heard the front door click shut, I rushed to the window and peeked out of the edge of the curtains. The Volvo was parked at the curb and Edward was walking around to the driver's side. Jasper was in the passenger seat and a stranger I didn't recognize was in the back seat. I gasped when I got a look at Edward's face, as he turned to get into the car. He looked upset, his face cemented into a gloomy frown. When I looked harder, I thought I could see a tiny bit of anger in his glower. His eyes looked up at my window just as his head ducked into the car. There was no way he could see me from the angle he was at, but it surprised me anyway, and I hid myself further into the shadows as I watched him drive away.

I could feel the panic building in my stomach and I blew out a big breath trying to relax myself. I didn't want Edward to go. I didn't want any more distance between us, physically or emotionally. I didn't want to give time any more chances to separate us. I didn't want him to be upset or feel like everything was his fault or to miss the opportunity to tell him that I knew he loved me, and that I loved him too.

Edward was right; I had forgotten he loved me, or at least forgotten to consider it. I wasn't looking at things clearly earlier, letting my fear and the unknown colour my thoughts. I'd been focusing on facts but disregarding feelings. Aside from what I'd seen in the forest, what was really different? Edward was still Edward, the same man he'd been all along, whether he was like Rosalie or not. Even if he wasn't what I thought he was, I didn't need to be afraid. Edward didn't want to hurt me. He only ever wanted to keep me safe. If anything he handled me with kid gloves, trying to protect me from hurt. Whatever he was, even if a part of him was dark and lethal, that wasn't the part that loved me. He had been nothing but loving and gentle with me, even when his control was challenged, even when I was impossible, even when the opportunity to hurt me had been at his fingertips.

I rushed to get dressed. I had to go after him. I couldn't let him leave town thinking I didn't want to be with him. I grabbed the jeans off my chair and shoved my legs into them, fumbling and tripping as I tried to shove my cast through the leg. Stupid fucking cast! I didn't have time for this bullshit. Edward already drove too fast. I would never catch him with my truck unless I got my ass moving.

I limped downstairs as fast as I could.

"Where are you going?" Charlie demanded.

"After Edward," I yelled, pushing past him towards the door. "Can I have your cell phone?"

"Sure," Charlie agreed, grabbing his cell phone from his belt clip and tossing it to me. "Go get him, Bells."

I flew to my truck as fast as my bum leg would let me, and took off as soon as the engine turned over. I didn't have a second to lose. As soon as I made the wide turn on to the highway, I pushed the gas pedal down to the floor. I watched the speedometer needle climb towards sixty-five and dialed Edward's cell phone number, praying he had his phone on.

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**A/N:** Please review.


	40. Jeopardy

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

I got an email on Monday night telling me that this story was nominated for an **Immortal Cookie Award** in the **best angst** category. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Suzann who nominated me. I'm very excited and honoured. I've never been nominated for anything before.

Today, I officially passed 250,000 hits between ff(dot)net and Twilighted(dot)net. I'm so very proud of this story. I owe a thanks to all of you for helping to make it a success.

A reminder that there's a link in my profile for music that goes with the story, for anyone who is interested. I haven't had a chance to update it with the latest songs yet, but still, it's there if you're looking for some good tunes.

As always, thank you to the readers and especially to the reviewers. It means a lot to me to hear from you guys.

Reviews and PMs are all replied too. We have lift off.

**From Edward's POV**…

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I used all of my energy to stay focused on hope, to keep the whispers of doubt out of my head and to keep the pain of the heartache my body was trying to force me to face at bay. I'd given in to my dubiety at first, allowing myself to wallow in Bella's rejection, but the tiny flame of faith that flickered inside of me refused to be snuffed out. She loved me. She would find some way to look past my nature. She just needed time; that's what Charlie had said. I held on tightly to his words as proof of my troth.

Time was something I had plenty of; patience I was short on. It seemed like such a waste to spend a single minute apart from her. I would do as I told Charlie and give Bella some space to sort out her thoughts, but I wouldn't last long. As the morning wore on, my anxiety and restlessness grew. Why did time always seem to move more slowly when waiting was the object of the hour?

When my family returned to the house, their thoughts created a clamour in my head. It seemed I was the subject on everyone's mind. Carlisle was wondering why I wasn't with Bella, thinking of how she was feeling. Esme had taken on my gloominess as her own, worried about the sudden turn in my humour. Alice was considering coming to speak to me, even though Jasper had advised her against it. He was feeling guilty for taking me out of town needlessly, bearing much of the blame for what happened with Bella. I would have to go speak to him, or at least tell Alice what he was thinking. None of this was his fault. Emmett was the only one who wasn't thinking of me. His mind was centred on Rosalie's irritation. He was too laid back to comprehend why she was carrying on. His uncomplicated outlook on life had allowed him to see what the prior night was truly about – a simple mistake, a case of wrong place at the wrong time.

Rosalie was angry with me. She felt no guilt or compunction for the happenings in the forest. She was angrier that a human knew our secret than with any of her own actions last night. I wondered if she ever saw beyond her own narcissistic bubble. She had no thought of how Bella might be doing, no remorse for scaring her or considering attacking her. The only thing she felt when it came to Bella was hatred. There was no scrutiny over how she might have destroyed me, or Charlie, or the trouble she would have caused our family. It would have been a justified kill in Rosalie's eyes.

To Rosalie, Bella's death was the best of both worlds. She would rid herself of the one girl who appealed to me, and the one girl who now knew our secret. Rosalie did not ever care for me in a romantic or sexual way, but she could not stand that I did not feel that way about her. Moreover, she could not stand that I cared that way for Bella, a less than average human to her. A large part of Rosalie would have been happy to kill Bella.

As repugnant and horrifying as Rosalie's actions had been to me, I understood them. During a hunt, we govern with our senses, and rule by instinct. Her reaction, her feint and even the consideration of attack, were all natural responses for our kind. In reality, I owed Rosalie for not attacking. Had my brothers run across Bella during a hunt, there was a strong likelihood that Bella would have been killed. I shuddered to think what I might have done in Rosalie's shoes.

As my mind listened to the voices of my family, I noticed that Balen's mind was unusually quiet. It occurred to me that he might be protecting his thoughts; although I could think of no motivation for it, beyond knowing I might be listening. I decided to go downstairs to investigate my hypothesis. When I entered the living room, I found Balen was indeed sitting on the couch, flipping absent-mindedly through a magazine. I could hear nothing from his direction and he did not raise his head to look at me when I entered the room. Alice's eyes flashed to mine instantly and I held her gaze long enough for her to take heed. I casually wandered into the kitchen and then out in to the back yard, finally stopping at the river's edge, where I knew the water would block our whispers. Alice joined me a few minutes later, after making a polite apology about needing to check on me. No one seemed to inveigh her departure.

"What is it, Edward?" Alice whispered, worry creasing her brow.

"I was wondering if you are able to find Balen? I can't hear his mind."

I watched as Alice's eyes closed and she searched the future. When her eyes opened, the pucker in her brow deepened.

"I can't," she murmured. "Why would he be hiding?"

"I'm not sure, but we should find out. He's in our home. We had enough turmoil in our household last night. Perhaps you could sit down next to him, close enough to brush against him? It might be enough to break his concentration."

I followed Alice back to the house, but stayed outside. I could see Balen easily from my vantage point, without appearing obvious or obtrusive, and I focused my concentration in his direction, listening intently. Alice was very suave as she plunked down on the couch beside Balen, but he must have sensed her coming. His mind was clear of all thoughts but what he saw on the page in front of him. Alice smiled at him and asked if he was enjoying his trip. I couldn't tell if Balen suspected we were on to him. If he did, he hid it well.

Alice stayed beside Balen but a little, wandering back into the kitchen to check with me. I rolled my eyes towards the opposite end of the house and mouthed 'Rose' to her. I would need everyone's help to pull off my plan.

I don't know how Alice got Rosalie to agree exactly, because I heard nothing from her. Rosalie's assent was reluctant but given, and she followed Alice back into the kitchen.

I stepped into the kitchen and set my plan into action, letting loose.

"I suppose you're proud of yourself," I hollered, turning a scathing glare on an unsuspecting Rosalie. Her mind exploded with anger and insults, attacking me, and Bella, and even Alice.

"Only _you_ would be smug in this situation," Rosalie accused.

"This situation? You mean you almost killing Bella?"

Bella's name caught Balen's attention and his mind opened wide for a moment. Bella was on Balen's mind? Why?

"It would have made this entire situation easier," Rosalie seethed.

My eyes shot to Alice. She was deep in concentration. I knew she'd need more time to search Balen's future. I used the snare he provided me.

"I thought I made it clear that _no one_ is to touch Bella." I over enunciated her name for Balen's benefit. "If anyone is going to kill her, it will be me."

Rosalie's face contorted in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" Rosalie's words were calm compared to the torrent of opinion and insult that flooded her mind. _'Lunatic. Yell at me for nothing and then admit your desire for her blood. Foolish, ignorant, fledgling.'_

"You heard me," I warned. "If Bella's blood spills, it will be for my purpose, not yours, Rosalie."

Bella's name got through again. I could hear Balen's thoughts clearly now, and Bella was in the forefront of his mind. He was curious about my desire for her blood, and the idea of her spilt blood appealed to him. Rage ignited inside me, but I continued with my vituperation as Rosalie stared at me in shock.

"She's mine," I snarled. "You, of all people, could never appreciate the delicacy and divine succulence of her blood with your indiscriminate and immature palette."

Balen's thoughts flowed freely. He was wondering why I hadn't just killed Bella if her blood appealed to me so strongly.

"You have officially lost it. It's bad enough that you're in love with a human. Now you're going to risk our safety so you can have a snack, you pathetic, ill-controlled barbarian."

Rosalie's anger held Balen's interest. He was curious about the depth of my feelings for Bella, and how Bella felt about me. I could use last night's situation to my advantage again. My eyes darted to Alice. Her fingers gripped the countertop firmly, deep in meditation.

"I wasn't the one in the forest last night, considering if I had room to dine on Bella." I felt horrible for my ad hominem attack on Rosalie, but I had to keep her angry and talking. "And since you've made any kind of relationship with Bella impossible, I may as well enjoy her the only way I'm able to now."

Emmett stepped forward to defend Rosalie.

"Edward, what happened last night was an accident. Rosalie isn't to blame."

"Of course you'd defend her, Emmett. You won't be able to bed her for a month unless you do. You know as well as I do that Rosalie stepped over the line last night."

Emmett's face went blank with shock and I stared at him with hard cold eyes, willing him to continue. Again, I checked Alice. She was still entranced, searching the future with questions.

"You're certifiable, Edward," Rosalie announced.

"No more than you," I countered.

Esme came into the kitchen, visibly upset. She never liked to hear us argue.

"That will be quite enough out of both of you," Esme directed.

Balen's mind went quiet and my eyes flew to Alice. She was staring back at me with horror.

"I know you don't like to hear us disagree, Esme, but Rosalie had this coming."

I flashed an apologetic glance at Esme and stalked outside. I heard Alice apologize for my behaviour, citing the stress of the last twenty-four hours as my excuse, and offer to come talk me down. I was uneasy waiting for her to join me by the river.

"You have to get Balen out of here, Edward," she whispered. She showed me the images in her mind - Balen outside of Bella's house and then sniffing around inside of her room.

"Is he planning to attack her?"

"I couldn't get a read on that," Alice admitted, "but why take the chance with Bella's safety?"

"I agree. I didn't mean it that way. I heard his mind. The idea of Bella's blood being spilled appealed to him."

Alice shivered, her eyes growing wide as my words registered.

"If he pokes around her room, her scent will only entice him. Every article and surface in that room is layered with her essence. It's not a huge step to determine his next move, given his nature."

"So what do we do?" Alice wondered nervously.

"Go tell Jasper that he and I will drive Balen home. Make the excuse that Jasper feels he owes me for getting my mate in trouble."

"Balen has no mate. Do you think he will understand the depth of the bond?"

"He's spent enough time with you and Jasper that he should, but even if he doesn't, he'll be hundreds of miles away. Bella will be nothing but a distant memory for him as long as we get him out of here before he catches her scent. There will be plenty of other mouth-watering choices for him to dine on back in Canada."

"Do you have a back up plan if this fails?" Alice wondered.

"You don't want to know what my back up plan is, Alice. I don't think I have to tell you how far I'd go to protect Bella."

"I'll go to Jasper now."

I watched Alice walk away, feeling remarkably calm. Perhaps it was just the notion of being able to do something to help Bella while she wouldn't let me near her, or maybe it was the ability to defend the one I loved. I only knew I had a purpose now. Since Bella didn't want to see me at the moment, I had time to dissipate. Why not use it in a positive way?

An hour later, the car was packed and we were ready to leave. Balen took the news of his departure good-naturedly. He found our family odd, and our lifestyle peculiar. He didn't understand the connections between us, beyond the bonds of lovers. Few vampires did. Our affinities had been developed over tens of years and were impossible to discern in a short period of time.

In the mean time, I'd had a chance to search Rosalie's mind for images of Bella from last night. I saw Bella's face; saw how her eyes darted everywhere - to Rosalie, to the dead animal, to the ground around Rosalie, seeking more information as they always did. I had no doubt that she had seen enough to put the pieces together now. It made me feel more helpless. I wished that she wouldn't try to figure this out on her own. It's not as if I could defend myself, but I still felt compelled to, and to at least try to answer her questions, if she had any.

I searched Emmett's mind too. I don't believe that Rosalie was ever seriously close to attacking Bella, but it was Emmett that got her out of the forest and off of Bella's trail.

Ironically enough, Emmett was the reason Rosalie was caught. They had been light-heartedly fooling around while they searched out prey, playing hide-and-go-seek in the woods. Rosalie assumed it was Emmett trying to sneak up on her and she wanted to brag about the buck she'd taken down. The wind had been blowing in the wrong direction, taking Bella's scent the opposite way. Between the wind direction and Rosalie's preoccupation with her buck, it was too late to hide when Bella found her. She was mortified that she'd been caught; embarrassed that it was a human that tripped her up, and in particular, humiliated that it was Bella. Her feint was a brief moment of indecision, as she considered whether she should take Bella's life or engage her in conversation. In a strange way, Rosalie had paid me as much respect as she could in the situation. She could have stepped in and blurted the truth, frightening Bella even further than her actions already had. I would have to straighten everything out with Rosalie when I returned.

Balen said his goodbyes heartily. He seemed as anxious to get away as I was to get him out of Forks. It made me less nervous to make my next request.

"I just need to stop and check on Bella on my way out of town," I mentioned casually, once we were all settled into the car. Jasper had no objections; nor did Balen. If, by some miracle, Bella wanted to speak to me, then Jasper could take Balen home on his own.

Once I was at Bella's front door, I knocked softly, just in case she had gone back to sleep.

Charlie answered the door. His expression was disconcerted.

"How's Bella?" I asked. I knew he didn't want to waste time making small talk with me.

"I'm not sure. She was in her bedroom for a while, but then she locked herself in the bathroom. I haven't seen hide nor hair of her since. I didn't even hear the bath pour or the shower run. How much time can a teenage girl spend in a bathroom?"

He didn't expect me to answer him, but his words made me concerned. It wasn't like Bella to spend endless amounts of time in the bathroom. A long bath was something she did to relax, but since Charlie didn't hear the water run, I had no clue what she might be doing in there except thinking. I sighed in frustration, again wishing for a chance to explain and answer her questions. I was sure she was thinking the worst. I heard movement from inside of Bella's room. She must have moved from the bathroom without Charlie's notice. I heard the door open, but she didn't come out, although it could have just as easily been the wind moving the door as Bella.

Charlie decided not to call Jacob and I tried to politely inform him that Jacob might well be Bella's choice for a boyfriend now. Even though it felt good to hear him deny the possibility, I tried to prepare myself for it. I'd hurt Bella, and I had no right to expect her forgiveness. Charlie was still sure that Bella would come around, and if I was lucky, he knew her mind well enough to predict her behaviour. I had never been good at figuring out how she would take something, and I didn't want to wager a bet, just in case it might tip the scales against me. I explained the impromptu trip with Balen and Jasper, omitting the true reason for our quick exit. More than anything, I tried to convey to Charlie how much Bella meant to me, and how far I was willing to go to win her back. I hoped it would ease his worry a small amount. He asked me what I wanted him to tell Bella if she asked about me, but my initial answer about leaving town and having my cell phone didn't appease him. He was searching out my depth of feeling for her.

"Tell her I love her, and that I'm sorry," I answered honestly. I wondered why he was curious. Was it simply Charlie watching out for Bella, or did he have a purpose?

"Does she know you love her, son?" Charlie asked. I didn't understand what he meant by his question at first, but then caught the tenor of his thoughts. He wanted to know if I'd told Bella that I loved her. He had already determined that I felt that way about her, but he was seeking confirmation of his assumption. Moreover, he felt Bella might be listening and he wanted her to hear it from my lips.

"She does," I certified, "but she may have forgotten." I wanted Charlie to know we had an uphill battle in front of us.

"I'll make sure she doesn't forget again," Charlie assured me.

It was nice to have him as an ally. He understood Bella's mind better than anyone else. I hoped that could somehow work to my advantage. I thanked him and asked him to watch out for her in my absence.

I allowed myself one glance towards her room as I got into the car. I wanted so badly to see her watching me from the window, but she was not there. I pulled away with my trust in Charlie, leaving my heart behind.

Ten minutes later I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it from my pocket, feeling anxious, and recognized the phone number immediately. The call was from Charlie's cell phone. At the same moment, I heard Jasper's phone ring and I stiffened.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Edward?"

"Bella," I gasped, surprised but unrelieved. I strained to hear Jasper's quiet voice on the phone.

"Please don't leave," she begged, her voice urgent and upset. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper nod in agreement and felt a calm wash over me.

"If you don't want me to leave, I'll stay," I assured her, wanting to say more but not wanting to alert Balen.

I felt Jasper's hand on my wrist and my eyes went to his. He was too calm; his composure was almost eerie.

"Edward, pull over," he commanded in a quiet but authoritative tone. "That was Alice. She wants you to stop."

"I need to talk to you before you go," Bella insisted. "If you still want to go after that then I'll understand."

Her voice was almost frantic, conveying a desperation that did not match her words. My mind was disquiet, flooded with an overwhelming sense of foreboding.

"Bella, please pull over. Tell me where you are and I'll come to you," I urged, doing my best to keep my tone even as I pulled over to the side of the road, as Jasper had demanded.

"Edward, I…" Her voice abruptly dissolved into silence.

"I'm pulling over right now. I just need to know where you are," I assured her, holding my breath while I waited for her reply.

She did not answer me.

I heard tires skid and brakes squeal, and a hideous agglomeration of scraping, rasping and screeching, metal against metal. I vaguely heard Jasper speaking to me, and Balen question something, but my ears were fixed and concentrating on the earpiece of the phone, waiting for the only sound that would re-centre me. She did not speak or cry, or respond in any way. I couldn't find my voice to ask her to; too afraid that she would not answer me. I closed my eyes and focused further, searching out the sound. Finally, I heard it, Bella's breathing, low and laboured, but she was still alive.

"Where is she, Jasper?" I asked. My voice sounded hollow and muffled.

"About a mile and a half back on the US-101."

"Call 911, and then go home and get Emmett. He will drive Balen home with you." With those instructions, I was gone from behind the wheel, running at full tilt towards Bella. I did not care if anyone saw me. I did not care if I should have been more careful. The only thing that mattered was saving her.

By the time Bella's truck came into my line of sight, I had surpassed panic and was moving through hysteria. Fear had completely taken over my mind. The tiny flame of faith that refused to be extinguished by my doubts was smothered in an instant by the cruel hands of fate. As if making her blood the sweetest smelling to me wasn't twisted enough, as if making me fall in love with her wasn't the most perverted convolution, now I would pay the price for the evil that lived inside of me – by losing the only thing that had ever mattered to me.

From a distance, the truck did not look badly damaged. It wasn't until I was within yards of it that I realized the majority of the damage was on the opposite side, on the driver's side…Bella's side. Reminding myself that her truck was built like a tank did not ease my fear. The truck might be better than an armoured Hummer, but Bella was not. She was delicate. She was breakable. She was human.

The truck was flipped over, not quite lying on its roof, in the drainage ditch that ran parallel to the road. I dropped flat to the ground, peering into the truck to find Bella and survey the damage. Her eyes were closed, but thankfully, there were no visible contusions or lacerations on her face.

"Bella?" I called.

She didn't move or respond. I shoved my arm through the broken glass of the window and touched her hand.

"Bella, I need you to open your eyes for me," I directed her.

Her eyelids fluttered but never opened fully.

"Bella, open your eyes. I need to speak to you," I commanded. There wasn't enough room for me to reach her better, so I patted her hand with mine, trying to lightly rouse her.

Her eyelids fluttered again, but this time her beautiful brown eyes opened and looked at me. She smiled a lazy smile in recognition, almost as if I'd woken her from a nap, sleepy and not fully coherent.

"Edward," she whispered, smiling wider.

"Bella, we need to get you out of there. Does it hurt anywhere? Did you hit your head?"

"Doesn't hurt…much." Her voice was uneven and strained, her face contorting into a wince on her last word. "I didn't hit my head…not like skiing." A tiny snort left her lips, a reaction to her joke.

"Can you move?"

"My leg is pinned," she informed me.

"Can you grip the steering wheel?"

I watched as her tiny hands curled around the plastic and tensed in an effort to hold it tightly. It would not keep her completely still, as I would have liked, but it would be enough to brace her. That was all I needed.

"Hold tight," I instructed.

I got to my feet and wrenched the mangled door opened, doing my best to brace the frame of the truck with my body. The truck shook in protest but the door succumbed to my strength. Bella watched with smiling eyes. She was not afraid or even shocked.

"I knew you'd been hiding your strength," she told me proudly.

I crawled towards her, my eyes locked on hers.

"You did, did you?" I asked her softly.

I was afraid to touch her, fearful of making her injuries worse, but I knew I needed to get her out of the truck. I could smell gas, and the scent was stronger than I was comfortable with. The fuel lines must have been damaged in the crash. I didn't think it was anything too severe, as the smell was faint, but I didn't want to take any risks.

"Like the Hulk," she whispered.

"Not quite so glamorous," I murmured, "Or good…more like Batman."

"Superhero?" she questioned.

"No," I admitted shamefully. "Vampire."

Her eyes widened for a moment and then she smiled, a smile so big it reached the corners of her eyes.

"Supernatural," she whispered, "That explains a lot."

"What does it explain?" I wondered. I could only imagine how far her mind had taken it.

"Edward?" Her eyes burned with intensity.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too," I murmured, reaching out for her hand. Her eyelids slipped closed.

"Bella?"

"Bella?"

I threaded my arms around her waist, unbuckling her seat belt and awkwardly tugging her body towards mine. I could not budge her, not without injuring her further; her left leg was wedged under the steering column. I cursed in frustration. Time was of the essence. I could hear the sirens in the distance, and while they might be able to get her out with the Jaws of Life, I could do it much more simply, as long as there were no observers.

I shifted away from her, out of the truck cab and around to the other side of the truck, where the damage was more extensive. I jammed my hands into the window of the doorframe and persuaded the bend out of it. With more room to work, I forced the frame of the truck back into the shape it was intended to be in. Somewhere in the middle of my efforts, Bella's eyes had opened again and she watched me intently, as if she was waiting for me to say something to her.

"Show-off," she murmured, chuckling. It sent her into a fit of coughing and I picked up mild gurgling sounds in the resonance that reverberated from her chest. While medically it could mean many things, I knew what it likely meant, and I had to get her medical attention as soon as possible.

"Try and relax," I soothed. "I'll have you out in a moment."

I bent into the cab, coercing and bending the steering column to the right and away from Bella's leg.

"I knew you never liked my truck," she teased. I don't think she knew how hollow her voice sounded, far away and fading.

"It's nothing against your truck," I assured her. "I just like you a little bit more. Can you move your leg?"

"A little."

"Can you shift it to the left?"

I watched her strain and work to move her leg, wincing again. I grunted hard and shoved the steering column with all my strength. The metal groaned in protest, yielding and bowing enough for me to move Bella's leg out from under it. I quickly but carefully maneuvered her leg out and pulled Bella to me.

"I didn't like that sound," she whispered, nuzzling her head into my neck. "And I'm cold."

I hesitated for a moment, worried that she shouldn't be against my cold skin if she was cold, but keeping her relaxed was much more important. I could feel her forehead against my neck. For Bella it was very cool and clammy, another sign that she needed medical attention. I gathered her in my arms and gently pulled her out of the truck. She was restless and uncomfortable, shifting in my arms frequently.

"I've got you," I promised. "You're going to be fine. I can hear the ambulance coming. It will be here in less than two minutes."

Her pulse was weak and too fast, just like it had been last night. Her breathing continued to be laboured, shallow and quick. I picked up her hand and held it, subtly studying it. The skin of her fingers was mottled, indicating insufficient perfusion. I checked her nail beds, pressing my thumb against a nail until it went white and watching the rate her capillaries refilled the colour. It took double the time it should have, confirming my fears. There was a high likelihood that Bella had internal bleeding and that her cardiac output was not able to keep up given the blood loss from her system. She was such a tiny girl. She couldn't tolerate any great blood loss, not like a larger person anyway. She seemed to be growing paler by the second.

"Super-hearing too?"

"Better than the average human…and most other animals." I tried to smile to make her feel better but it felt like the most disrespectful thing when I knew she was in pain.

"Is there anything you don't do better than me?" she murmured rhetorically.

"I don't forgive as easily as you…I'm not…as good as you."

"Yeah, I'm a regular Mother Teresa," she snickered, coughing again.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "sorry I didn't tell you sooner, sorry I hurt you…sorry for what I am."

"I was stupid, Edward…too many bad habits…too afraid of being hurt."

"Bella, you should save your strength. We can talk about this later."

"Now," she rasped, "just in case."

I nodded and she continued.

"Now, it would hurt more to lose you." She paused. I wasn't sure if she was gathering her thoughts or having trouble staying focused. "All I want…is to love you…our love…more powerful…doesn't matter if I'm broken…doesn't matter if." She swallowed hard, wincing again. "Doesn't matter what either of us is."

I could tell she was fading again, struggling to stay conscious.

"You stay with me, Bella," I urged. "Fight for us."

"Shit," she mumbled.

"What is it?"

"I think I wrecked your shirt."

I laughed lightly, smiling, and bent forward to kiss her forehead.

"I have an endless supply. We'll get you another," I assured her.

She smiled lazily, as if she was half asleep, and her eyelids closed.

"I'm right here, Bella, and I'm not going anywhere. I can see the ambulance now. They'll be here in moments."

"Hold on for me," she murmured, and then slipped into unconsciousness. It was probably better for her, so she would be forced to reserve her strength.

I watched the last of the colour drain from her face, perspiration beading on her forehead and upper lip, as the ambulance pulled up. A familiar face stepped out of the passenger side door, Brett Warner, a registered nurse at the hospital. We knew each other well. The driver was a younger man I didn't recognize; probably weekend staff.

"Edward, are you okay?" Brett hollered, opening the back of the ambulance and pulling out the gurney and equipment case.

"I'm fine, Brett. I wasn't in the truck. I was on the phone with Bella when the accident occurred." Brett was skeptical. He doubted my version of events and was looking for further details. "I was travelling with my brother about a mile and a half up the highway. They dropped me off and then went for help."

"Let's take a look at her," Brett mumbled.

I laid her gently onto the gurney.

"How long has she been out?"

"Less than a minute. She's been struggling to stay conscious." I didn't want to do his job but I wanted Bella to get the care she needed immediately. "She was restless and complained she was cold. She's been tachycardiac; shallow rapid breaths, poor profusion in her hands. The sweating started two minutes ago or so. The capillary refill in her nail beds took twice as long as it should have."

Brett listened intently to me as he worked on Bella, starting first with giving her oxygen. He checked her respiration and pulse, telling his partner to start an IV. In the meanwhile, Brett checked Bella's blood pressure. When he began listening to her chest with his stethoscope, I spoke up again.

"I heard some gurgling in her lungs when she coughed, although she didn't bring up any blood." I wanted to add that I was fairly certain she had internal bleeding but I didn't want to distract Brett from his job.

"You did great, Edward. If she pulls through, she'll owe it to you." He turned to his partner, "Let's move her."

I stood frozen, stunned. _If Bella pulled through_? She had to make it. There was no other alternative.

"Edward, come on," Brett urged, rousing me from my stupor.

I climbed into the back of the ambulance, following Brett, and his partner closed the doors behind us. Brett checked Bella's IV and took her pulse and respiration rates again, and then affixed an automatic blood pressure cuff to her arm to monitor her blood pressure.

"Are her stats stable?" I asked.

"They are stable," Brett confirmed, "but they aren't strong. She's got a narrow pulse pressure." He looked up at me, considering whether or not I understood him, but decided to explain further regardless. "Her diastolic blood pressure is too high. Her body is working overtime trying to pump her blood. It generally indicates bleeding…internal injuries."

"So they will operate to stop the bleeding, and transfuse her to increase her blood volume?" I asked knowingly.

"Yes," he agreed. "She's a small woman. Based on her symptoms I'm estimating fifteen to thirty percent blood loss at this point. If the surgeons can keep her stable, they'll take her directly into the operating room. After that, the fight is all up to Bella."

I picked up Bella's hand and tried to stay out of Brett's way. I listened as he called ahead to the hospital, purposely requesting my father, although I suspected Carlisle would already be waiting at the doors of the ER for us, even without the invitation. My eyes flickered to the blood pressure monitor's display as it beeped, checking for a decrease in her systolic pressure – the marker that would show she was worsening still, passing into the next stage of hypovolaemic shock. There was no change. She was holding her own. We were pulling into the lot of the hospital.

As soon as the ambulance doors were opened, I jumped out of the back to make room for the doctors. Carlisle's eyes followed me. He was worried about me; worried about how I might take it if Bella did not make it. I blinked at him and nodded my head towards Bella. I didn't want him to worry about me; I wanted Bella to have his full attention. She deserved the best; he was the best.

I followed behind the gurney as they wheeled her in, as far as I was allowed to go. Beyond the 'hospital staff only' signs, I listened to the minds of every doctor and nurse around her, hearing them bark orders and authorize tests. One doctor looked over the stats sheet while another listened to Brett's assessment, and a third ordered blood gases to be drawn and a CT scan to be performed. My favourite ER nurse, Phoebe Adams, was present. I heard Carlisle tell her Bella's name, and explain who she was to me. Phoebe immediately picked up the pace of her efforts, all the more determined to do right by Bella.

Carlisle checked Bella's abdomen for bleeding using an ultrasound wand. The doctors around him pulled no punches with her diagnosis, sure of the internal bleeding without evidence, ready to open Bella up without checking first. I knew Carlisle had control of the room, but their attitudes made me uncomfortable. I waited impatiently for Carlisle to look up to the monitor, and when he did I saw the bleed just as Carlisle did. He asked them to prep her for surgery. He gave Bella's hand a gentle squeeze before leaving to book an operating room.

I used my cell phone to call Charlie, explaining the little bit I did know – that there had been an accident, that Bella had internal bleeding and they needed to operate. I asked him to come as soon as possible, but not before handing over the phone to Carlisle so Charlie could give verbal consent for the surgery.

"Are you okay?" Carlisle asked, when he finished on the phone with Charlie. He was worried about me, and feeling helpless, although not as helpless as I was feeling.

"Please save her," I whispered. They were the only words that I could speak to him, as my emotions got the better of me.

"I'll do my best, son. We all will. She's a healthy girl. Once we get the bleeds under control, we'll know more. Hang in there." He patted my back and left.

I found Phoebe's mind. She was glued to Bella's side. By nature she was a caring individual, but she was almost maternal in her feelings for Bella, because she knew how much Bella meant to me. We'd spent a great deal of time chatting over the months; I had a soft spot in my heart for her, imaging that my own mother had been much like her. Phoebe held Bella's hand and made sure she was treated properly, part protective lioness, part mother hen.

Bella looked so pale and fragile that it broke my heart. I watched through the minds of the OR nurses as they prepped her and did their instrument counts. I counted along with them, just to relieve the stress, just so I didn't have to think about how serious the situation was. The doctors were scrubbing in as Charlie arrived.

"Bella Swan?" he asked at the desk.

I got to my feet and waved him over. He made excuses to the desk nurse and rushed to where I was.

"How is she?" Charlie asked. I didn't have to read his mind; his worry was written all over his face. He looked dreadful; his mind was chaotic and dismal.

"They're just beginning her surgery now," I explained. "She's stable, and that's good. They wouldn't be able to operate if she wasn't."

"I can't lose her, Edward."

I understood his fear. The look in his eyes reminded me very much of Bella, and my old speculation on the relationship between Renee and Charlie resurfaced.

"I know Charlie. I feel the same way."

"How did this happen?" he asked. It was a rhetorical question. He was lost in his own thoughts.

"I'm not sure. She lost control of the truck somehow. No other vehicles were involved."

"How did you get here so fast?"

"I was on the phone with her. I heard the accident happen, so I rushed to help her."

"Damn cell phones," he muttered, looking for something to blame in his frustration.

He dropped back into the chair behind him, holding his head in his hands. I followed suit, sitting down beside him, wishing I had something to ease his worry, or that he had something to ease mine. I monitored the minds of everyone who surrounded Bella, concentrating on those who were following procedure. I did my best to steer clear of Carlisle's mind. I didn't think seeing Bella's blood directly as he cut into her or fixed the internal bleeds was the wisest choice. The surgery seemed to be moving along without complications. Bella remained stable.

We sat in uncomfortable silence for a long time. I fidgeted and paced and worked myself into a dither, the waiting making me feel as if I might go mad. Charlie sat stiller than I'd ever seen a human sit before, almost as still as a vampire. His mind went over and over details of the day. He was remorseful for not offering to drive Bella, and for so readily giving her his cell phone, wishing he'd given her a warning to drive carefully. I felt bad for him. It wasn't his fault at all.

I was responsible for the accident to a degree. I could have tried harder to make Bella see me. I could have driven the speed limit so she wouldn't have felt the need to chase me. I could have told Bella the truth long before she had to find out on her own. There were so many things I could have done differently, but hadn't, and I would always regret them. I tried to banish the thoughts from my mind. Bella wouldn't want me to dwell or blame myself. Still, it was hard not to, knowing she was in the operating room fighting for her life when there were things I could have done to stop it.

Normally, Carlisle would have had one of the other doctors close, but because it was Bella, he did it himself. I could hear the impatience in the minds of the two doctors who assisted him, one chomping at the bit for some face time on the surgery, dissatisfied with being sidelined as an observer. I went back to Phoebe's mind. She was still with Bella, standing by Bella's head, and she was checking the monitors for Bella's stats. Phoebe was satisfied with the outcome of Bella's surgery, and generally positive about her prognosis. I tried to take comfort from her accord.

Carlisle changed into clean scrubs and came out to find Charlie and me.

"Charlie, this is my father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I introduced. "He operated on Bella. Carlisle, this is Bella's guardian, Charlie Hayes."

"How is Bella?" Charlie blurted. He was never one for small talk.

"She came through the surgery well. We found several tears in her abdominal aorta, which we repaired. She lost a lot of blood, and replacing her blood volume is critical right now. She'll be in recovery until she comes to, and then we'll move her to a room. Did you have any questions?"

"Can I see her?" Charlie wondered.

"As soon as she's out of recovery, which won't take very long," Carlisle assured him. "I'll have someone come and get you."

"Thanks," Charlie muttered, turning his back on Carlisle and wandering to the far end of the room. He was irritated that he couldn't get to Bella immediately, and trying to control his emotions.

"There's no chance he could get to her sooner?" I wondered. "He hasn't seen her since she left home. It would do him a lot of good if he could just hold her hand."

"I'll see what I can do, son."

"Thanks, Carlisle, for Charlie, and for me. I know you took extra care with her."

"Nothing I wouldn't have done for anyone," he offered self-effacingly.

"Will she be okay?"

"She came through the surgery like a real trooper, Edward. I don't expect any complications, but of course we'll watch her carefully."

"Does she need more blood?" I wondered.

Carlisle was confused by my question, unsure why I would ask about her blood, so I explained my thoughts more fully.

"I suspect the link between Charlie and Bella goes deeper than what each believes – to a biological level. If a match would help Bella's prognosis, then I would be happy to suggest it to Charlie."

"Bella's suffered significant blood loss, and her blood type is relatively rare, B positive. A match might give her a slight boost over the O negative she's received in terms of recovery, leaving her body more energy to heal with less to assimilate."

"I'll talk to him then. Would you mind rushing his blood work?"

"Not at all."

I walked over to where Charlie stood. His mind was still a mess, drowning in guilt and blame.

"Charlie, I need to speak to you about something."

"What?"

"It's something personal," I advised him.

He nodded and I continued.

"Your relationship with Bella's mother…were the two of you ever a couple?"

"We dated back in high school, if that's what you mean." He was confused by my line of questioning and didn't understand what it had to do with Bella.

"Is it possible that Bella is your biological daughter?" I questioned bluntly.

His mind went blank for a moment, and then he ushered in the excuses. They were too numerous to have been new. Charlie had spent time wondering about this very topic.

"No…I mean…Renee would have told me." He was sure Bella's mother was honest with him.

"I didn't mean to imply that Mrs. Swan lied to you. Maybe she didn't know the truth?"

"Well, I mean…I never…what I'm saying is," he sputtered. His mind considered this new possibility and then something clicked for him. Things started to fall into place, details that never made sense that were finally understandable in a new light.

"Why are you asking, Edward?"

"Bella's going to need blood. You could donate if you're a match."

"Even if I am a match, that doesn't mean we're biologically related."

"I know," I agreed. "But I thought you could be tested at the same time."

"What made you think of this?"

"The look in your eyes when you came in. I've seen that same look in Bella's eyes. You've got a better sense of Bella than she does of herself sometimes. There are so many little similarities; your temperaments - your senses of humour, your quiet dispositions, your shared love of maledictions."

"Mal-e-whats?"

"Maledictions…cursing." I smiled at him. "I can see how much you love her, like she was your own flesh and blood. I know you feel helpless right now. I thought this might be a way to make you feel purposeful. Not to mention, Bella needs her family at a time like this."

Charlie had already made his mind up, but he was considering how Bella might take this. At first he was worried it would make her angry, but then he cast the thought away.

"I'll do it, Edward. What do I need to do?"

"I'll have my father paged. He'll walk you through it."

After Carlisle took Charlie, I snuck in to see Bella. Phoebe was with her again; she and Bella were alone in the recovery room. I knew she wouldn't stop me from seeing Bella.

"You're taking a big chance sneaking in here, young man," Phoebe rebuked, without turning around to see who was opening the door.

I smirked. She knew me even better than I'd given her credit for.

"Well, get in here," she encouraged. "You've got maybe five minutes before Dr. Young comes back to check on her." She finished recording something on Bella's chart and turned to look at me. There was nothing but tenderness and mercy in her eyes.

I wasted no time rushing to Bella's side. Bella looked worse than pale; her skin was sallow and almost transparent. There were wires attached to her chest to monitor her heart and the gown she wore was loosely draped over her. I could see the bandages across her stomach that covered the incision from where they'd opened her abdomen for surgery. Her left leg still bore its cast but I could see new swelling and bruising from the accident on her foot and toes. She looked like she'd been through the ringer.

She looked close to death.

I opened my mouth to speak but Phoebe interrupted.

"The hepatic artery was damaged so her liver wasn't processing properly – that's why her colour is off. She was banged up pretty good, Edward, but she's a fighter."

"She is," I murmured in agreement. "Thank you for staying with her, Phoebe."

"My pleasure, Hun. I'll give you two a minute and then you've got to skedaddle."

"You have my word," I promised.

I waited for Phoebe to leave, and then picked up Bella's hand carefully. Her temperature was better, but still far from normal. I bent to kiss her fingers gently, and then softly placed her hand back on the mattress; it wasn't enough. The only thing keeping me together was the pull I felt from Bella. As much as I wanted to give in to my fear and emotion, I couldn't. She needed me to be strong, and I would use her strength as the provenance of mine. I moved closer to her head, and pushed her hair back off of her face, caressing her cheek as well as I could around her oxygen tube.

"I'm here," I whispered, hoping with everything I had in me that she could hear me. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I can't stay long in recovery; I had to sneak in to see you, but I wanted you to know that I'll be around the hospital, waiting for you, and when they put you in your room, I won't leave your side."

I knew I was being self-indulgent but I wanted her to feel my love. I wanted her to know I loved her even if she couldn't tell me back or give me her love. I wanted her to know that I needed her to come back to me. I kissed her lips tenderly, pressing against them at first, and then persuading them between my own, imitating what she would have done if she'd been able to respond.

"I love you," I murmured. "I'll be back as soon as they move you into a room."

I slipped away into the shadows of the corridor alcove. Dr. Young on his way; I heard his mind reviewing details about Bella's case. The last thing I needed was to be caught breaking hospital policies and be prohibited from seeing Bella when she needed me. He would check her over, and anything he missed, Carlisle would pick up. I headed back to the waiting room to see if Charlie was finished with his blood work. He wasn't, so I sat down to wait for him.

A few moments later I heard Alice's approach. She was worried about Bella, and worried about upsetting me by showing up. I saw her second goodbye with Jasper in her mind. He wanted to stay behind to support Alice and me until Bella was better, but Alice knew that Balen's departure was more important. Emmett had agreed to go with Jasper, so it was a quick up and back trip for them. At least no harm would come to Bella from Balen's direction.

"How is she?" Alice asked softly. I looked up at her eyes, sad and worried.

"She's stable. They stopped the bleeding and Carlisle said they didn't foresee any complications."

"And you?"

"Me?"

"How are you?" Her voice was quiet but overflowing with all the concern her thoughts held.

"I don't even know," I mumbled. I didn't really want to think about myself. Bella was the only thing I wanted to focus on.

"You don't look so good," she observed.

I shrugged. I hadn't given it much thought.

"When is the last time you fed?"

"I don't know," I told her offhandedly.

"It might make you feel stronger?"

I felt badly for speaking to her so brusquely. She was only worried about my well-being.

"I'm not the one who needs strength; Bella does."

"You need to keep up your strength for Bella."

"I know," I murmured guiltily.

"She'll be fine."

"Have you seen something?" I asked anxiously.

Alice flashed me a picture of Charlie sitting at Bella's side talking to her. The image made me smile. It had to mean my hunch about her connection to Charlie was right. I made a mental note to explain my theory to Alice.

"I have something else for you," Alice whispered.

"What?" I wondered. "Is there something else? Something you've been hiding from me?"

"I'm not hiding anything from you, except this."

She pulled a letter out and handed it to me.

"It's from Bella. It's something I saw Friday night; when Bella sat in her truck and wrote this. She didn't tell me to give it to you, but I know she wrote it to you, just before she went to the clearing."

"How did you get it?"

"I went to her truck to find it. I think she'd want you to have it."

I glanced down at the folded paper. It looked awkward in my hands, and I wasn't at all sure that Bella would want me to see it, but now that it was in my possession, I was sure that I couldn't stop myself from reading it. I unfolded the paper, and began to read.

* * *

**A/N:** Please review!


	41. Juxtaposition

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

This chapter is much prettier in html. I suggest you view it at Twilighted(dot)net (http://twilighted(dot)net/viewstory(dot)php?sid=3208&chapter=41) or in my Live Journal (http://jcaddict(dot)livejournal(dot)com/281550(dot)html) because the formatting just doesn't transfer and I fully admit that the chapter has the potential to be confusing if you have difficulty differentiating between Bella's letter and her conversation with Charlie. I apologize if this is the case. Bella's letter is centered and in italics, separated from the conversation with astericks. The conversation in left justified. I hope that helps.

Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter guys. I appreciate them.

It's my birthday today, so for my birthday, you get a present :o)

**From Bella's POV**...

* * *

_Dear Edward,_

_I can almost hear your voice in my head – "What do you think you're doing, Bella? Are you insane? It's not safe to go into the forest at night."_

*****

I opened my eyes, feeling fuzzy – heavy-lidded and far away, not fully cognizant. The brightness of the room made my eyes burn. How long had my eyes closed anyway?

I blinked the light back, surveying the room, because I didn't immediately recognize where I was. White walls, white blankets, white sheets, Styrofoam cup with a lid and straw, all in matching colourless white – there was a whole lot of friggen white in this room. Everything was coming into focus slowly.

Half drawn pastel coloured striped curtain, bedside table on wheels, heavy looking brown door with its odd handle – oversized and over-easy-to-use and the furthest thing from charming and welcoming. I knew this place.

There was a beeping, some sort of machine with a regular tone. Annoying was what it was.

I hated this place.

*****

_You think I don't know that you're overprotective when it comes to me? That you've taken my__ safety on as your personal job?__ I know, Edward. I would have to be __stupid __not to know, and if there's one thing we both know, it's that I'm not stupid._

*****

Not counting the emergency room visit on the ski trip, which I was never technically admitted to, I hadn't been in a hospital since Charlie and I took my Mom home to die. I wasn't really anxious to revisit the memory or this place.

_Stop the fucking beeping!_ I'd pay cash money to whoever could shut that stupid machine off.

I slapped clumsily and blindly at the side of the bed, searching for the call button. I couldn't find the cord, even when I stretched my fingers out as far as they'd go. Figures. I was trapped in a place I hated with no way to call for help, or at least no easy way. Somehow I doubted the nurses would want me to scream, although I was seriously considering it if the beeping continued. It seemed to be getting faster and louder, or maybe it just seemed to match my irritation.

I turned my head towards the sound, looking down towards my outstretched hand. There were wires attached to me, coming out of the ugly gown they'd dressed me in. I followed the cord with my eyes, finally seeing the machine that was beeping – a heart monitor. I stretched towards the cord to yank it out and yelped.

_Shit, that hurt. Why did that hurt so badly?_

I lifted the gown and peered down through the tunnel of fabric. There was a large gauze bandage across my stomach that I distinctly remembered not having when I…well before I…well it sure as hell wasn't there when I was…not here. Where had I been?

I was driving. Yes! I was trying to catch Edward, begging him to pull over when I…fucked up. I was the reason why cities and states all over the US were banning talking on a cell phone while driving. I was like a walking advertisement for the stupidity that is the driving cell phone talker. Never again will I label myself as a good multi-tasker. I wasn't even driving that fast, just driving as fast as my poor truck would go, and all it took was a momentary loss of concentration, one tiny lapse in attention, for me to drift too far towards the edge of the road and drag my tires on the gravel. The truck lurched, and before I knew what was happening, it was too late. I over-corrected and lost control.

At least I wasn't a totally stupid motherfucker. I had my seatbelt on.

*****

_I know you see me as this feeble little girl who can't take care of herself, but I can. So when you read this letter, don't go all overprotective boyfriend on me and rip me a new one. I can take care of myself. It just happens to be a fact that, when you're around, I allow you to have the job of personal bodyguard. Okay, fine, maybe I like it that way too. Happy? (You can even guilt me into being truthful in my head when you're hundred of miles away. I'm seriously broken.)_

*****

Edward had saved me. He pulled me out of the truck – damn near bent the steering column to get my leg out from its pinned position. My poor truck was probably in worse shape than I was. Edward wasn't the tiniest bit gentle with it, although he did do a fairly awesome job knocking out some of the dents using his hands. How you ask? Did I mention my boyfriend was a vampire with superhuman strength and speed? Well, that.

Where was Edward?

Where was Charlie?

And why hadn't someone shut off the damn beeping yet?

*****

_You're not here right now; you're in Seattle, helping to look for your brother. You were right to go; Jasper and Alice needed you. I, on the other hand, am here in Forks, because you wouldn't let me come to help. (See above paragraph about the overprotective boyfriend to understand why you wouldn't let me go.) _

*****

Yes, Edward was a vampire.

It wasn't overly difficult to believe in terms of normality. Edward had made it quite clear to me that he was not what society defined as normal - he was special - although exactly how special I had only recently been informed about, like while lying upside down in my truck during my recent rescue.

It explained a lot - the speed, the strength, the pale skin…the whole 'I don't eat food' thing. There was a lot I still didn't know, but suffice it to say that my questions were numerous, not the least of which was what exactly his diet was, or more precisely, was I his diet? Then again, now that I thought about it, Rosalie had answered that question for me on Friday. Not that I couldn't think of a few people that I might offer up as snacks – bitchy whore-y Jessica Stanley, for instance, or the incessantly annoying Mike Newton.

Where was Edward?

*****

_I didn't believe you for a second when you said Seattle wouldn't be dangerous, and it's killing me to be here, alone and helpless to do anything but worry. I friggen hate worrying. I'm an action kind of girl. I allowed you to think you fooled me with your crap about 'no danger,' and I let you go because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to. As selfish as it is for me to say this, I need you too._

_Does it make me a pig for saying I was looking forward to being wrapped in your arms wearing a shit-eating grin in place of the clothing we wouldn't have been wearing? If it does, I'm okay with that. And I know I'm making way too big a deal out of it in my mind. Jasper's safety definitely outweighs any sexual need I have, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad that we're missing out on time together._

*****

A woman I didn't recognize came through the door, a nurse I assumed. She had coppery coloured hair and was wearing teal coloured scrubs. She smiled at me like she knew me and I felt conspicuously uninformed.

"Hi, Bella. I'm Phoebe."

"Hi, Phoebe."

"Do you remember what happened?" she questioned softly. Her eyes were kind, a vivid green with a blue undertone, like the bottom of the sea.

"I was in a car accident. My boyfriend saved me," I explained. "But after that it gets a bit fuzzy."

"You were brought to the hospital by ambulance, unconscious and with internal bleeding. Dr. Cullen operated on you. You're in recovery now."

"Oh." Not exactly the greatest way to meet Edward's father. Then again, I wasn't at my best when he saw me on Friday night either. "Is my uncle here, Charlie Hayes, or Edward Cullen?"

"I am under strict orders to go get Mr. Hayes when you awaken, if you're ready to see him?" She smiled at me, and I wondered if she was waiting for me to give my permission. "Edward snuck in to see you a few minutes ago, but left before Dr. Young came in to check on you so he wouldn't get in trouble." Her smirk was too big. She definitely knew something I didn't.

"You know Edward?" I asked.

"Pretty well," she admitted. "He used to spend a fair bit of time hanging around the hospital with us, and his father, of course…at least until you came around."

And there it was. She didn't just know Edward, she knew who I was to Edward.

"Is Edward still here?"

"I'll see if I can locate him after I send Mr. Hayes in," she explained. "But I have a feeling that Edward is going to come find you all on his own." She smiled knowingly at me again. Her grin widened when I blushed in response. I felt a bit like a sitting duck, but at least she was kind. I was on Edward's turf after all. Phoebe excused herself and went to look for Charlie.

*****

_I hope that doesn't scare the shit out of you. I'm not going all possessive loopy girlfriend on your ass or anything. I just think it's important to be honest, especially after last night. So, since I can't be with you the way I want to be, I thought I'd write you this letter, and pour my heart out. Maybe it's a strange time to do it, maybe not. I just know that once you tell me whatever it is that you think I need to know, things may never be the same again, and if, God forbid, we aren't together after you tell me, then you'll know what I was thinking, and probably things I'll never have the guts to say to your face, and I hope that you will understand that even in my ugliest moments, I loved you with everything in me._

*****

When I heard the door creak, my eyes flew to it and I watched Charlie's head pop through the opening. He looked tired. His face was unshaven and his hair unkempt. He kept his hair so short I don't know how on Earth he managed to get it so messed up; he must have run his hand through it a thousand times for it to look so out of place. The worry on his face made the faint lines around his eyes stand out, aging him by ten years. I could see the tears welling in the corners.

"I'm fine," I croaked emotionally. Charlie's sensitive side was generally tucked safely away and it was difficult for me to see him so outwardly upset.

"Bells…" His voice was thick and quiet.

"I'm fine," I repeated, holding out my hands to him. I didn't know about him but I sure as hell needed a hug.

He rushed to the bed and then froze awkwardly, unsure of how to hug me around the wires and tubes.

"Get over here, goofball," I mumbled, pulling him towards me. His arms were careful and hesitant around me even though I hugged him with all my strength. "See?" I whispered. "As good as new."

"I swear to God, if you ever do that again to me, Isabella Marie Swan, I will fucking kill you myself."

He laughed nervously, trying to mask his anxiety and I laughed along with him, too. There really was no other response but laughter.

"I'm not planning to flip my truck again any time soon. I'll wait for that sports car I'll buy once you leave me your millions," I snarked.

"Yes, please wait until _after_ I'm dead. I don't think my heart can take this again. First you go into shock, then you lock yourself in the bathroom for hours, come out running after Edward and land up in a wreck?"

"I'm a regular live by the seat of my pants sort of girl," I teased. "Who knew you couldn't do a crossword, rollerblade, put on mascara and drive at the same time?"

Charlie snickered quietly at my absurdity and then sat down beside me on the bed.

"I have something I need to speak to you about," he proclaimed, his voice gravely serious. The sudden shift in his tone caught me off-guard. He pulled two envelopes from his jacket pocket and laid them on my lap.

"What's this?" I wondered.

"Two things, actually. One, from today, and one from, well, from a few months ago."

"What is it Charlie?" I asked curiously, my forehead creased in curious confusion.

*****

_And before you get all "don't call yourself ugly," that's not what I meant. I meant ugly on the inside – the anger and blackness and the imperfection – the pieces I hide, or do my best to hide. What I've been through in my life has changed me. I thought it was for the worst, but maybe in some ways, it's been for the better. Maybe, it will help me deal with your secret better – make me stronger and more adaptive – or I could be completely full of shit, because that's entirely possible, too._

*****

"I know how hard your mom's death hit you, Bells."

"That's not exactly a secret, Charlie." I chuckled darkly. Everyone who knew me knew how hard it hit me.

"Well, I wanted to give you time to adjust to Forks before I talked to you about this."

"This?" I questioned, wishing he'd just get on with it.

He handed me the thicker of the two envelopes.

"I had these drawn up a couple of months ago, but when you didn't adjust, well, I just thought they were better left to wait for you."

I searched his eyes. His normally expressive face was void of the usual stories that it told. There were words he wanted to say, or needed to say. I wasn't sure which.

"Go ahead and open the envelope," he directed, swallowing hard as he watched my hands.

I lifted the flap and pulled out the papers inside, unfolding them so I could identify what they were. I stared at the fancy font at the top of the page, blinking back the tears that were welling in my eyes. I didn't understand the gesture.

"You…you want…to adopt me?"

*****

_I wasn't totally honest with you on Thursday night. I told you about what I went through with my Mom, but I didn't tell you what started the tears. That's the biggest reason I'm writing this letter, to explain that I already figured out your secret, and it doesn't matter._

*****

"Yes," he admitted. His voice was soft and quiet, full of all the understanding a father should have.

"But…why?" I blurted. It wasn't exactly a well-formed question, but the hugeness of the sentiment of the papers in my hands, of Charlie's actions, had me at a loss for words.

"I love you, Bells. Always have. Always will. I was there when your mom found out she was expecting you. I was there when your Dad died…for your first birthday, your first day of kindergarten, the first time you broke a bone. All of the places a dad should have been…where your dad couldn't be after his untimely death."

"But you're Charlie – perpetually single and happy that way. Since when did you want to have kids?"

"Kids were never a part of my future because when I found the right woman I didn't realize it, not until she was already someone else's."

"Mom?"

He nodded, looking down at his lap, not meeting my gaze.

"But I thought…"

"We were kids when we were together, before she met your dad and left Forks. I was too stupid to fight for her, and too proud to stop her from leaving. Over the years, we fell back into step, but your mom never wanted to get involved beyond our friendship. She wanted you to be the only priority in her life. You were always the most important thing in the world to her, and I respected her for that. She raised you right."

*****

_It's weird how shit works out. I went through so much pain when I lost my mom, only to turn around and fall in love with a man that I'm going to lose, too. Maybe that's why I had to go through it first with her – to prepare me to lose you? I know how much you love me. You would never leave me if there were any other way, any other choice. So if leaving isn't a choice, but the only inevitable end, then there is only one way that would happen – death. I know you'd never willingly leave any other way._

*****

"If you notice, I didn't sign the papers. I would only sign them if this was something you wanted."

I was speechless. I wasn't sure I wanted to have the responsibility for the decision of my adoption. For all intents and purposes, I'd been fatherless my whole life. I liked what I had with Charlie, and while I was touched by the notion of his desire to officially be my family, I wasn't entirely sure that it wouldn't fuck up our relationship.

"The thing is, Bells…I've had these papers so long that they sort of aren't really valid any longer. Well, they were never valid, not without signatures, yours and mine, but now…" His voice trailed off in a strange way. I raised my eyes from the papers in my hands to look at him. He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble expressing himself. I could see the anxiety on his face.

"Now, what?"

"That's the other thing, from today."

He pointed to the other envelope in my lap, motioning for me to open it. I ran my finger under the flap and popped it open. It was a single sheet of paper, folded neatly into the envelope. The font was insignificant Courier, not the grandiose script on the adoption papers.

"What is it?" I asked.

"While you were in surgery, I donated some blood."

*****

_I know that things with you aren't normal, that your health has been compromised. It makes sense when you look at all the differences between us. I always knew there was a reason your skin was cold and pale, why you never eat, why your eyes get those dark bruise-like markings underneath them – it's all the crap that's going on in your body. I haven't had time to figure out what you're sick with, but I know you'll tell me when we have time to talk._

_What I want you to know is this. No matter what you're sick with, or how serious it is, to me, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, sick or not, I love you._

*****

"Why?"

Why did Charlie need to have blood drawn? Was he sick too?

"Edward suggested it."

Edward? Why on Earth would he suggest Charlie gets blood drawn? It's not as if he could determine Charlie might be sick from reading his mind, unless Charlie already knew, but if he knew, then he wouldn't need a test. I looked back at Charlie with a confused expression on my face.

"Why would Edward suggest that?"

"He had a hunch."

"A hunch?"

Maybe Alice had seen something. Maybe Alice told Edward to get Charlie's blood tested.

"He's noticed things about me, things you and I have in common and he put two and two together."

"Can you put two and two together for me, please? I'm feeling really out of the loop."

"I don't really understand what Edward saw," Charlie admitted. "He told me he noticed ways that you and I are similar. I guess he's observant."

Yeah, you could say that, or you could say that he could read minds and his sister could see the future, which never hurts when you're trying to unearth secrets.

"I guess so, but what does that have to do with this?" I held out the paper to him in confusion.

"You lost a lot of blood," Charlie explained, pushing the toe of his shoe against the floor nervously. "Dr. Cullen explained that replacing your blood volume was critical to your recovery. Edward's mind started working and he got thinking that a match for your blood might help you."

"Okay…so this test was to determine your blood type?" I knew it wasn't. Blood typing was simple. We'd done it at school.

"Not exactly. They typed my blood in the lab first. It's sort of curious, don't you think, that you and I have the same blood type?"

"Not really," I lied. It was a strange coincidence but it wasn't like I had AB negative blood or anything. My blood type wasn't common, but it wasn't exactly the rarest of the rare either.

"Well I was surprised when the lab told me we both had B positive. You'd think I would know that."

"Why would you know my blood type?" I asked, annoyed. The only reason I knew my blood type was because of blood typing in biology class. In fact, I didn't know anybody's blood type – not my mom's or dad's or Edward's or Alice's.

"It's something I should have known," he lamented quietly under his breath.

"That makes no fucking sense whatsoever," I pointed out. "There isn't a single friggen reason that you would know my blood type anymore than I would know yours, Charlie."

"There is a reason – that test is the reason."

*****

_I never thought we'd have a strict forever. If losing my mom taught me anything, it was that you have to use the time you have, so whether we have years or only months, I will be there beside you, holding your hand and cheering you on, or up - whichever you need._

_I'm in this for as long a forever as we have between us._

*****

"You're not making sense. Why does this test mean that you should know my blood type?"

"That test confirms something I've always wondered about, something that Edward picked up on, something I should have checked on a hell of a lot sooner than today."

"Damn it! Just spit it out!" I yelled. The confusion was getting to me, making feel light headed and fuzzy. "What were you tested for?"

"Paternity."

The word echoed in my head like an explosion. I raised my eyes to stare back at him in shock, still not fully understanding.

"I don't need to petition the courts to adopt you, Bella. You're my daughter."

I blinked hard, frozen in place, and let his words sink in.

"You're…my…father?" I asked hesitantly.

"Beyond a shadow of a doubt."

"But Mom would have…" Charlie interrupted me.

"I don't think your mom knew, Bells. Your mom was always honest, especially with me."

"I knew you and Mom dated back in the day, but I didn't think you were _that_ serious?"

"The feelings were always there. I was just too young and stupid to do right by her. I should have fought for her. After she lost Phil, you were all she had, and you became her only priority. We stayed close, and I never stopped loving her…" There was a deep longing and profound sadness in his voice. It was piercing. "But she never wanted to get involved. I took what she could give, and it was more than I probably deserved after letting her go."

"But that would mean that you and she…that she and my dad, umm, er, Phil…that you guys…at the same time?"

"I know," Charlie chuckled. "I can't speak for Phil or Renee with any certainty, but it seems to me that both of them thought that our relationships overlapped enough to make Phil your father."

"Wow." I let out a big breath of air I hadn't realized I was holding. Apparently today was a good day for startlingly shocking yet wonderful confessions from the men in my life.

"Wow? A complete arsenal of curse words and 'wow' is the best you can do?" Charlie teased.

"Okay," I offered, smirking. "Holy shit!"

"That's more like it," he encouraged.

"You seriously didn't know?"

"There were times over the years where I wondered," he answered honestly. "But, just like you, I always assumed if it were true, that your mom would have told me. It wasn't until Edward suggested to me that she didn't know the truth that it all sort of fell into place – all of the things I'd wondered about suddenly had answers that made sense."

"Edward has a way of making people see the signs." I snickered under my breath at my own intentional irony.

"You look tired, Bells. Did you want to get some rest?"

I couldn't deny that I felt exhausted, and a nap would probably make me feel more alert. I still felt out of it from the anesthesia, or maybe it was just the shock of the news. _I had a dad - a living breathing dad_.I didn't really feel like sleeping though.

"You sound just like Edward. I'll rest when I'm dead," I teased.

"Very funny, brat! Speaking of Edward, I should probably go and get him for you?"

"No, stay. He'll find me when he's ready. I want to hear more about you and Mom."

In the middle of Charlie's walk down memory lane, Phoebe stuck her head in and informed me I was being moved out of recovery. Charlie left to sign some paperwork so that I would get a private room. A couple of nurses I didn't recognize came into the room with Phoebe to check my stats and unhook some of my tubes and wires. I tried to convince them that they could take the IV out of my arm but they weren't going for it. I already felt bloated and the needle made my hand itchy and irritated. They insisted I needed fluids. I decided I would hit Phoebe up again once I was in my room.

*****

_Best-case scenario – I'll be the significant other who looks at you after fifty years together and is still taken off guard by how handsome you are and has no shame in admitting it; the one who says I love you, not because I'm answering you or because I'm supposed to say it, but because I want to say it. The end, whatever it may be, is the worst-case scenario. It doesn't matter when it happens; it will be bad. No amount of preparing will ever make me handle that well. But I don't want to dwell on that. It will come when it comes. I want to concentrate on what we have; this incredible love that exists between us._

*****

They began to wheel me down the hallway, my IV pole and various machines in tow. I whispered to Phoebe as nonchalantly as I could.

"Have you seen Edward?"

"He's already waiting in your room," she informed me with a smirk.

I smiled back at her, content with the idea of finally being able to see him. We had so much to talk about.

"He's anxious to see you, too," she added.

I blushed at the words, embarrassed that she could see how anxious I was without being told. Phoebe just gave my hand a comforting squeeze. I wasn't sure how close she and Edward were, but I got the feeling she cared about him a lot. My head was full of questions I wanted to ask him. I hoped that we would get a few minutes alone so I would get an opportunity to ask some of them.

The elevator ride made my stomach feel woozy. By the time we got to my floor, the nausea was so bad that I had to close my eyes and breathe deep breaths to try to abate it.

"How are you feeling?" she wondered, looking over at me with motherly concern on her face.

"Tired," I admitted. "And a little bit sick to my stomach. I don't think the anesthesia has completely worn off yet."

"We'll check your stats as soon as we get you settled."

I nodded in compliance and continued to focus on my breathing. I couldn't seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs. My chest was beginning to feel heavy.

As they wheeled my bed down a long corridor, I could tell we were getting near to my room. I could feel Edward's electricity already tugging at me and it helped to calm my nerves.

He was holding the door open for the nurses as they pushed my bed in, purposely standing off to the side but close enough to brush his fingers along my wrist as I passed by him. I instantly I felt more centred and my heart sped. I could see the relief in his eyes, too, warm and concerned and full of love.

He stood with his back to the wall and out of the way of the nurses as they re-hooked everything up, plugging in my oxygen tube and putting an automatic blood pressure cuff on my arm and checking all the connections. I never took my eyes off Edward. I didn't care what they were doing to me.

Edward stepped to one side, holding the door open again. so the transfer nurses could leave the room. Phoebe stayed, adjusting the flow rate on my IV. She snickered at me when I told her I really didn't need it, and wrote something on my chart.

"Is she always this stubborn, Edward?" Phoebe asked.

"Always. In fact, she's being rather compliant," he answered with a self-satisfied grin.

"My hand is itchy," I complained. "And look how swelled it is. You guys aren't going to be happy until I look like I've been floating Port Angeles Harbour for days, bloated and disgusting."

"Definitely stubborn," Phoebe decided.

"You guys are accomplices," I accused, feigning disgust. "It's all a big conspiracy to keep me under your thumbs."

"I'm leaving before I get dragged into this. Bella, you use that call button if you need anything. Dr. Cullen should be around to check on you shortly, and Edward, don't stay too long. Bella needs her rest."

"I promise to make her rest. If she gives me a hard time then I'll ask my father to give her a sedative, but I'm not going anywhere." Edward's voice was confident and decided, his eyes locked intensely on mine, as he addressed Phoebe's advice. I didn't even care that he was making decisions for me. I just wanted him there with me.

"I'm holding you to that," Phoebe announced, her voice disappearing as she walked out the door, finally leaving Edward and I alone. He was at my side in an instant.

*****

_You see, there's magic in our love – not fairy dust or spells or any tricky slight of hand, but an unexplainable and almost tangible connection between us that transcends us and protects us. It's like a roaring fire on a rainy night, or a summer breeze on a warm July night. The magic is whatever we need at the moment that will keep us connected and strong and in love. If we could have a normal life, it might be 2.5 kids and a house in the country, or a loft in the West Village in the middle of everything Manhattan has to offer, but it doesn't have to be either. I would go anywhere with you, as long as we were together. So if our dream home is in a hospice or some far away hospital with an experimental research program, I'll be there beside you, until the very end._

*****

"How are you?" he asked, picking up my hand to inspect it. "Your hand does look swelled, but that's not uncommon when you have an IV."

"You have far too much useless medical information then any seventeen year old boy should have…but then again, you're not an average seventeen year old boy, are you?"

"No," he agreed remorsefully. My comment upset him enough that he looked away from my gaze, his eyes moving to the floor, and his mouth turned down.

"If you were, I don't think I'd be sitting here now," I told him honestly. "Without your strength to get me out of my truck, I might have bled out waiting for help." My comment seemed to cheer him up a small amount.

"At least I can use what I am for something useful."

"What you are is wonderful…amazing…perfect."

"What I am is a liar – dishonest and deceitful. I don't deserve your praise."

"Yes, you do. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you."

"You wouldn't have been in trouble in the first place if not for me. I think I've done the wrong thing at every turn when it comes to us."

"Edward…"

"If I had been honest with you then you would have never had to endure the shock of what happened in the forest with Rosalie. If I had been honest…"

I interrupted him.

"Edward."

"Then you would know why Balen was in town and why I had to get him out of here. If…"

Again I interrupted him, my voice louder and sterner so I would get his attention.

"Edward!"

"Yes?"

"Can you get Phoebe?"

"What do you need? I can get it for you."

"I'm not feeling very well. I'm not sure if I need just need to rest because I'm pushing too hard?"

He grabbed for the call button and pushed it. "Tell me your symptoms, so I can try and help."

"Earlier, in the elevator, I was feeling nauseated. It went away, but it's back. My chest feels heavy, like I can't get enough oxygen in my lungs."

"Nurses station," a strange voice announced through the speaker above my bed.

"This is Bella Swan's room. She's having trouble breathing."

"I'll send Phoebe down," the voice told him.

*****

_We're two of the lucky ones, you and I. Call me childish and romantic, but people search forever to find what we accidentally stumbled upon in a high school biology class. I know the odds of us making it are stacked against us, but there isn't a part of me that doubts that we will make it._

_This isn't just a first love – it's a forever love. And if I'm wrong, then let me live with my rose-coloured glasses on, because what we have may not be perfect, but it's perfect to me._

*****

"Just try and relax," he told me, bending to kiss my forehead. He checked the oxygen tap to make sure it was putting out enough oxygen. Then he grabbed my chart and quickly scanned it.

"What are you looking for?" I asked.

"Just trying to make sure I know what you've been given."

"What does that matter?"

"I'm wondering if you're having a reaction to something, or perhaps two medicines that are interfering with one another."

"How would you know?"

"I have a lot more useless medical information than one might think, even someone as smart as you."

Phoebe strode quickly in the door, her eyes flashing to me, and then Edward, and then to the equipment – my heart monitor, the oxygen tap and my IV.

"Edward, go have your father paged," Phoebe instructed.

Edward, who seemed to be having some hesitation saying something to me while he was reading my chart, immediately put the chart down and took off running. I'm not sure what was on his mind or if he sensed some kind of alarm from Phoebe. Phoebe cranked my oxygen tap to full and flattened the bed, grabbing my wrist to measure my pulse.

"Do you have any chest pain?" she asked me.

"Not pain…not really…it's just sort of…heavy. I can't seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs."

"Bella, I need you to relax as much as possible. Close your eyes and think of your favourite thing and concentrate on it. Keep your breathing slow and even."

I did what she told me, picturing waking up in Edward's arms, seeing his handsome face right next to me, remembering how his croaky morning voice told me he loved me and that I'm the most important thing in the world to him.

I heard the rush of footsteps in the hallway – three, maybe four sets. It sounded more like a herd of elephants stampeding across the savannah in fearful flight. I was beginning to feel just like one of those elephants – unsure of what to be afraid of but filled with the urge to run for my life.

As the group rushed into my room, the look on the doctor's face didn't bother me, nor did the faces of the nurses bother me either. It was Edward's face that frightened me when he reappeared from the hallway – gravely serious, soberingly fearful, ominous and unnerving.

They surrounded my bed, barking directions and replies back at one another, like I wasn't lying there vulnerable and helpless, like I wasn't a person. I searched for Phoebe's eyes and found them, caring and concerned yet somehow reassuring as she willed me her confidence that everything would be okay. My heart was racing. There was a cinderblock on my chest making each breath more difficult.

I found Edward's eyes and locked on to them.

*****

_No matter what the future brings, we'll face it, together._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

* * *

**A/N:** Please review!


	42. Retrograde

**A/N**: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters, even if Jordan Scott, author of _The Nocturne_ says she's a plagiarizer. I guess SM still owns them even if JS says she doesn't; JS would own part of BD I guess, according to JS that is, and well that's not Twilight so the statement stands!

Hey. Long time no update. Normally about this point I'd say 'Yeah, I suck,' but I don't. RL imploded and I had to clean up the mess, and it took me longer than I expected. I hope you all can forgive me, for you have my sincere apology for the extreme delay in updates.

The length of this chapter got out of hand and I had to break it into 2 chapters. (I kid you not, it was 18K words LMAO.) So I tried to break it at a natural spot in the story. The next chapter will be in Edward's point of view as well, and pick up right where this chapter leaves off.

Thank you to everyone who has read the story and especially to those who left comments. I am behind in replying but I will catch up when time permits. And thank you for your patience!

* * *

I unfolded Bella's letter to read the words she wrote before she found out what I was. I was curious what she felt was important to say before she went into the forest, wondering if she'd had some sense of foreboding or change. A large part of me felt I shouldn't be reading it without her permission, even though the letter was addressed to me. I tried to push away the feelings of guilt and trespass; they wouldn't stop me from reading the letter, and I had enough to deal with without adding more negativity.

My throat constricted as my eyes fell on to the page and saw her handwriting. The way her pen curled around the "E" of my name was like a caress on my cheek, and the catalyst for the dissolution of my carefully crafted façade of strength. My hands began to tremble.

"Edward, maybe you should find somewhere with a little privacy," Alice suggested quietly.

I nodded and got up, making my way to the nurse's station. The woman behind the desk was young and easy enough to persuade. I explained that my girlfriend had been brought in by ambulance after an accident and was in recovery after having emergency surgery, expressing that I would very much like to set up her room with flowers and the like to make her feel comfortable when she was brought there, but that I needed the room number. I had her compliance as soon as I mentioned the flowers, some sort of misguided revenge towards her boyfriend who continually overlooked the gesture. I declined her offer to walk me to the room. I wanted neither her company nor her help. I knew the hospital like the back of my hand, and well enough to know that Bella's room had a westward facing window that overlooked the parking lot.

I used the stairs, too restless to wait for the elevator, and stole away into Bella's room. She wasn't there yet; it was sterile and without life, lacking the colour and vivacity that its occupant would bestow on it. I lowered myself into the chair beside the bed and began to read.

The words and phrases were all classic Bella. She was so sure of her abilities, so naively trusting in the hands of fate. I knew too well how cruel life could be, how easily she could be hurt. She was right about some things - she wasn't stupid, and I did want to be her shield. Beyond loving her, I owed her my allegiance and protection, and so much more. I had pulled her into my world without giving her a full understanding of the risks she was taking - risks most humans couldn't fathom. My world was not a safe place for a human, even one as ingenious and perceptive as my Bella.

Even after everything we'd been through together, I could tell from her words that I had yet to make Bella comprehend the depths of my feelings for her. She still didn't see that I loved the twist in her. The darkest parts of her were nothing compared to mine. She was my saving grace, an angry angel sent to purpose my immortality. Without Bella, I didn't exist, not as the man she loved anyway - not as the being that was awoken and forged by her grace and adoration. She was good and compassionate; in every way, she was so much more than she believed. She accepted our differences like there were none. I would always love her as she loved me, with everything in me.

Seeing the words "things may never be the same again," and "if we, God forbid, aren't together," filled me with a sense of dread. Even though she seemed unflustered by my nature, her words had an even more serious context now, one that went deeper than her stubborn streak and further than my persistence - more somber, more absolute...more final.

Surely the loss of her mother had made Bella stronger and more adaptive; the fact that she remained intact and in control for as long as she did was a substantiation of her strength. Her ratiocination that I was ill like her mother was sequitur, but it broke my heart that her incorrect conclusions about our differences had caused her pain; yet another reason I would regret not telling her the truth sooner. From the very beginning, I had known that honesty was important to Bella, and I understood her need for truthfulness, now more than ever. She had always been candid with me, which was more than I could say of myself. The desire to give her the same level of candidness, to share every bit of myself with her, was always there, and now I could. I felt hideous and reprehensible and entirely responsible for the pain that Bella had endured to get at the bits of truth she did know. It would be a wonder if she forgave me when she knew everything.

I understood the upset and the fear she must have felt the day of our picnic - to believe that the man she loved was certain to die - since that same fear was fraying the edges of my consciousness now, no matter how hard I pushed back at it. The difference was I could ease her fears about losing me, as my immortality made that essentially impossible. I hoped the truth would bring her some comfort.

I did not posses her fortitude. She knew me well to understand that I would never leave her by choice. I simply wasn't capable of it - neither strong nor desirous enough. Had she rejected me, I would have let her go and faded into the background of her life, but my presence would have always been there, unbeknownst to her. Knowing now that she would fully embrace my nature as a part of the greater whole, without prejudice, her promise to stay by my side for as long as she was able took on a new connotation. It was no longer about her losing me, but about me losing her - an eventuality I was prepared to deal with, but not with the incipiency that presently engulfed it.

Just like Bella had written, the end was the worst-case scenario - the end of us, the end of the reciprocation of the greatest love I would ever know, the end of Bella's life - it didn't matter which. It would be the end of living for me, even if it weren't the end of my life. I couldn't say that when it happened didn't matter. The importunateness of the current situation was too imminent, the helplessness and vulnerability too overwhelming.

We were two of the lucky few to have found a connection so perfect and vital that it changed who we were - but I was the luckiest. I knew what it was like to live without love. I knew what it was like to move through time like a ghost, never truly affecting or being affected by those around you. The small bits of joy I once gleaned from my family before Bella would become evanescent and hollow without her. The whole world would move into shadow in her absence, or at least my world would.

I couldn't face a future without her. I needed her to be okay - to come back to me and to love me. It seemed so simple in essence, but, in practise, it was probably too much to expect. She wanted a life with me, and I wanted to give her that life. I wanted the fifty years she described, as I instinctively knew we would be every bit as much in love then as we were today. I couldn't give her the kids she mentioned, but I could give her a life filled with the magic of our love. If this magic truly existed, as she felt it did, then I needed that magic to protect us now - to save Bella and reunite us. We had a glorious future waiting for us, one filled with happiness and worship and satisfaction, but I needed Bella to return to me to have that future.

I couldn't put my finger on why the notion of the end plagued me. I had scanned Alice's mind hundreds of times for new images that would enlighten me about how Bella was doing, but there was nothing new, only the image of Bella speaking to Charlie in recovery. I scanned Phoebe's mind as well, but there were no medical complications that she was concerned with. In fact, she was thinking about me, about bringing Bella to me and about how happy it would make me. I couldn't see Bella from Phoebe's perspective. She was looking down a hallway, presumably transferring Bella to her room.

I could sense Bella approaching, our ever-present electricity sparkling and crackling in a nervous and errant way. I knew that she must have been awake or she would have remained in recovery, but I was anxious to see her face. I needed to look into her eyes for myself to settle the unease that consumed me. I needed to see with my own two eyes that she was okay before I would truly rejoice in it.

In the distance, I heard the bell of the elevator ring and the doors lumber open slowly. Phoebe was asking Bella if she was okay. Bella admitted to being tired and nauseated. Phoebe wasn't overly concerned and made a note to check Bella's stats once she got her settled in her room.

I folded Bella's letter, slid it into my breast pocket, and got to my feet. I waited restlessly by the door, pulling it open when I heard Bella's heartbeat, the first concrete sign that corroborated that her recovery wasn't imagined. I tried to stand back and remain out of the way, but I couldn't resist testing the strange surreal state I found myself in, one where I trusted nothing but what I could prove was real. I stretched my hand out as Phoebe and two other nurses wheeled Bella past me, reaching for her, and allowed my fingers to glide along her wrist and make contact with her skin. Her warmth and softness, as well as the tingle of energy that passed between us bestowed a relief on me that I couldn't put into words.

Our eyes locked in intense reciprocity, and a spate of emotions erupted - joy, love, guilt, regret, sorrow, even anger. She seemed to exude only love and I felt a misplaced sense of unworthiness. I had put her in this situation - me, and my careless decision to keep my secret. I did not deserve the love that was reflected in her eyes, not after the danger I had put her in. I would never forgive myself.

I wished I possessed one tenth of the ability Bella had to express herself with a look. I kept my expression smooth and even, too unsure of my control. I did not want to risk upsetting Bella by showing her that I felt responsible for her current state of being. I just stood by the door and stared back at her and waited for the right words to come to my lips, the ones that would take away all of the pain and heartache and clear a path to the future we both wanted. They never came, and I remained silent.

Phoebe could sense my upset. She was surprised, mistakenly thinking I was not happy to have Bella back and awake. She purposely engaged me, trying to pull me out of my preoccupation.

"Is she always this stubborn, Edward?"

"Always," I assured Phoebe, forcing a smile to my face. I owed Phoebe for her excellent care of Bella. She didn't need to worry about me, too. "In fact, she's being rather compliant."

Bella complained about her IV, grouping Phoebe and I in as co-conspirators in the plot to force her to take things slowly to allow for a proper recovery. Her wit was intact and zinging, and it did my heart good to see it so. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but her spirit and liveliness were more than I'd hoped for.

I capitulated on Bella's need for rest when Phoebe suggested I shouldn't overstay my welcome, but I refused to leave Bella's side. There was no way I was going to let her out of my sight from this moment on. I would be her sentinel, keeping watch day and night. I would not let anyone or anything ever hurt her again.

Once Phoebe finally left the room, I picked up Bella's hand and studied it, trying to fill the awkward silence between us by looking busy. There were things I wanted to say, but I kept them to myself. It was wrong to unload any more on her today. Her rest was far too important to her recuperation. Her hand did look a bit swelled, but nothing out of the ordinary for an IV needle. There was no redness at the insertion site, or any other sign of irritation, and I told her so.

"You have far more useless medical information than any seventeen year old boy should have," Bella noted casually. "But then again, you're not an average seventeen year old boy, are you?"

I wasn't, and we both knew it. We both knew what I was. Habitually, I braced for rejection, even though I knew she didn't care what I was. She was more accepting of it than I was, and perhaps she shouldn't have been.

"No," I allowed, dropping my gaze away from hers in shame. I was frustrated by the number of secrets I had kept for her, angry at my nature and myself, and saddened by the fact that those lies put Bella where she was. She didn't know my age, or the number of years I'd studied medicine theoretically. So many details she hadn't been privy to. What if they all became too much for her? They were often too much for me.

"If you were, I don't think I'd be sitting here now."

My eyes came back to hers, searching for the source of her goodness. It flowed out of her effortlessly. She should be angry with me, maybe even hate what I was, but at the very least be upset by what my secret had cost her. Instead, she was gentle and calm and giving, void of remorse or sadness. I could only see love in her eyes, a love I felt unworthy of, gifted to me with undeserved ease.

"Without your strength to get me out of my truck, I might have bled out waiting for help."

"At least I can use what I am for something useful." I wrapped my words in a forced smile and a thankful tone. I was thankful - thankful that I had been able to help Bella and use my strength to prevent further injury to her - but I was also regretful of the risks to her safety that I had taken with my inflated sense of control and blind conviction.

"What you are is wonderful...amazing...perfect."

The sweet tone of her voice was unmistakeably sincere, but it burned my ears nonetheless. I had to look away from her. I was none of the things she believed me to be. Perhaps she hadn't heard my admission, or misheard it. She couldn't know what I was and still think I was perfect. I was a monster.

"What I am is a liar - dishonest and deceitful. I don't deserve your praise." I shrouded my anger in truth, testing to see if she remembered what I was and the risks I'd subjected her to.

"Yes, you do. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you." Forever faithful, refusing to see the worst in me, she stated her case like there was no other thing she would believe.

"You wouldn't have been in trouble in the first place if not for me," I corrected. "I think I've done the wrong thing at every turn when it comes to us." I knew I should be hiding my upset, but I had to make her see that I was to blame. I couldn't let her shoulder any of the responsibility.

"Edward..." Her voice was muted, but I could still hear the disagreement in it, my name like a warning to stop my line of thinking. I couldn't. She needed to understand that this was my fault. I had to make her see the horrible things I'd done.

"If I had been honest with you then you would have never had to endure the shock of what happened in the forest with Rosalie. If I had been honest..."

"Edward," she interrupted, trying to displace my self-censure.

"Then you would know why Balen was in town," I continued, unable to look her in the eye. The shame was too great. "And why I had to get him out of here. If..."

"Edward!" Bella interjected, her voice so austere that my eyes snapped up to hers instantly.

"Yes?"

"Can you get Phoebe?"

The gravely sober expression on her face admonished me from the guilt and blame I was feeling.

"What do you need? I can get it for you."

"I'm not feeling very well. I'm not sure if I just need to rest because I'm pushing too hard?"

A new wave of guilt overtook me. I should have let her rest instead of barraging her with my emotions. I had selfishly pushed her too hard, and now she wasn't feeling well. Fortunately, my instincts kicked in before the guilt controlled me. I buzzed for Phoebe and asked Bella to explain how she was feeling to me. As she explained the heaviness in her chest and the nausea, I scanned her chart, looking for which medicines she'd been given that might be contravening.

Just as Phoebe came into the room, I heard Alice call to me, her voice frightened and alarmed.

'_Edward, she's crashing._'

She showed me the doctors that would surround Bella's bed, and a heart monitor flat-lining. It couldn't be Bella's. It just couldn't. Surely Bella had experienced enough loss and done enough penance in her life that she would not be taken from this Earth at a mere seventeen years of age. I heard Phoebe tell me to have my father paged, but I was already in motion to get him before she ever asked. Carlisle would know what to do. He would save Bella.

I didn't bother to have the nurse's station page him. It would take too long. I was dialing his number myself when I heard his voice in my head. Alice had alerted him to Bella's condition.

'_I'm on my way, Edward. Stay calm. We won't lose her._'

Once Carlisle emerged from the elevator, I followed on his heels as he moved swiftly down the hallway, several other doctors joining his rush to Bella's room. I listened to every voice I could pick out, trying to assess her condition. My eyes naturally went to Bella's face as soon as I came through her door, no doubt poorly concealing my fear. I stood back from her so the doctors could work, but my gaze was secured on hers.

I whispered, "I love you," over-enunciating the words so she would know what I was saying without difficulty. A small smile came to her lips just before I heard the alarm, and her heart monitor flatlined.

"We've got no pulse," someone yelled, and the code blue was called. In that moment, Bella and I had never been more the same - both without a heartbeat, both dead inside but dying to be alive - and my world had never made so little sense. I stood paralyzed in the middle of the horror, like I was stuck in a snow globe shaken incessantly by a child - words were flying around the room, people whirling by me and around Bella - all the while I remained unable to gain my bearings. It was like I was surrounded by gel, my body felt heavy and numb. Nothing felt real. I couldn't get my brain to accept what was happening. There were no medical instincts kicking in, no instincts at all except to scream as loud as I could, like it would somehow stop the farce of impossible reality around me.

Carlisle stood over Bella, doing CPR, carefully watching the monitor for signs that her heart was responding. I watched his lips ghost the numbers silently as he counted the compressions. I stared at the flat green line on the monitor. I wasn't holding my breath. I wasn't really anything. I just waited for the little line to spike and return to a normal sinus rhythm. There really was no other option I would accept.

"Phoebe, push one milligram each of epinephrine and atropine." There was an amazing amount of calm and focus coming from my father. I was his polar opposite - disquiet and agitated to the point of tremors.

One of the doctors, the same one who'd operated on Bella and protested about surgery time, was calling for my removal from the room. He directed Phoebe to take me out of the room, which Phoebe promptly ignored. He turned to look at me, and I glared at him with such anger, he let it drop. He should have been focused on Bella. I was the last person he should be worried about.

The clock on the wall above Bella's bed began to remind me of a ticking bomb. Too much time was passing, and each second that counted off became another moment closer to the end. My attention was everywhere. I was watching Bella's face, willing her to fight. I was hurling insults at the monitor inside my mind, daring it to beep and beat the odds. I was biding my time for the three-minute mark, guessing Carlisle's course of treatment and planning it out in my mind. I was praying to a god I had no faith in to help his angel - bargaining my eternity for her salvation. All to no avail. Time continued to pass against my will, and Bella's life continued to tick away.

"Phoebe, push another two milligrams of epi. Edward, what does Bella weigh?"

"Forty-nine point nine kilograms. She can take another full milligram of atropine for her weight." I wasn't even answering the question in his mind. He was worried about me, wanting to see if I was okay. I knew the direction of his question from my medical studies.

"Phoebe, push another milligram of atropine. Thank you, Edward."

He continued with the chest compressions while he spoke, waiting and watching like the rest of us. Phoebe was praying. Dr. Young was thinking about how long Bella had been under. Several of the other nurses were standing by, frozen in action and awaiting directions, nothing better than a vague inclination or wavering hope that Bella would make it.

The seconds ticked on, like a dripping tap that couldn't be shut off, taunting me to the point of madness. Carlisle counted off his compressions. It was beginning to dawn on me that hope, too, was slowly dwindling. I took a step towards Bella. Maybe I was standing too far away from her for her to feel my presence. Maybe she'd temporarily forgotten that I needed her, forgotten that I wouldn't know how to go on without her. Maybe she was lost in some dark place that she couldn't escape from, wrought with pain or fear and needed our connection to guide her out of it. If modern medicine couldn't get her heart to respond, maybe my touch could. I took another step towards her.

Carlisle was wondering what I was doing. He wasn't alarmed, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with me coming closer. He was concerned that I might be losing it and that I might do something foolish and act in some way as to hinder or obstruct Bella's care. He did not think me capable of malice, rather only that I was not thinking clearly. He couldn't know the direction of my thoughts, and I hadn't fully decided what I might actually do, so I stayed silent and let his thoughts ruminate as I tried to decide what actions I should take.

And then we heard it - the audible beep that signalled some heart activity. My eyes, which were glued to Bella's monitor, had already registered the change in the line on the screen before the tone sounded. I traced the blip up and back down again, and up and back down, and up and back down. She was in ventricular fibrillation, but alive, against the odds.

A loud roar of exaltation erupted for a moment, followed by every doctor barking an order. Phoebe and the other nurses tried to fulfil the requests - defibrillation paddles, a portable chest x-ray, blood thinners.

"Charge to two hundred joules," Carlisle directed, taking the paddles into his hands. He asked the group to stand clear before he shocked Bella's body. The electric discharge from the defibrillator was not enough to stop the uncoordinated contraction of the ventricles of Bella's heart. The muscle continued to tremble, stubbornly refusing to contract properly. How apropos for Bella - stubborn, even in unconsciousness.

"Three hundred joules," Carlisle requested, focused only on Bella. Again, he shocked Bella's chest, hoping the increased energy from the paddles would be enough to affect a response. Every person in the room was staring at the monitor, holding their breath to see how Bella's heart would react.

"We've got a normal rhythm," Carlisle announced, sighing loudly in relief.

His mind flooded with concern for me, with the tens of 'what-if' scenarios that could have happened and what each and every one would have done to me. He knew losing her would destroy me. As quickly as the thoughts came, they disappeared, and he again focused his mind on what Bella would need. He spoke his directions quietly to Phoebe.

"Phoebe, we need to get Bella started on streptokinase before that clot can do any more damage - two hundred fifty thousand units over thirty minutes - followed by one hundred thousand units per hour until further notice. Also, start her on heparin - push ten thousand units, and then make sure she gets five thousand units every four hours. I'll need to see her when she awakens, so please have me paged."

"Of course, doctor," Phoebe agreed.

Phoebe looked over at me with a kind smile, grateful for Bella's finally stable condition, for Carlisle's role in her recovery, and for the pain my heart was spared. I was grateful too, but still numb from how close we'd come to losing Bella.

"Edward, why don't you sit down?" Carlisle suggested as he moved towards me.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, not really considering whether or not it was true.

Carlisle pointed at the chair beside Bella's bed, and I took it to appease him. I wanted him to tell me she was going to be fine, that she was out of the woods and no further complications would arise, but I didn't need to read his mind to know he had no intention of making such promises. He was my father first, but sometimes he had difficulty with the division between doctor and parent, and now was one of those times. He couldn't give me the reassurance I desired, so he stayed silent, his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, and his fatherly concern emanating.

"She's a fighter, Edward."

His quiet voice did not convince me. After all of the fighting she'd done in the last forty-eight hours, how much more could one tiny frail human body be expected to fight? I nodded, not wanting to engage him in conversation. He patted my back and walked out, leaving me to my thoughts. I knew he wouldn't stay away long, if not for my sake, for Bella's. She had become his most important case.

I slid the chair closer to the bed and picked up Bella's hand. I was on her right side, opposite to her IV, and knew that holding her hand would be permissible as long as I didn't disturb the pulse oximeter on her finger. I slowly slid my fingers across her palm, indulging in the warmth of her skin in the absence of a reaction from her. It was all I had. Even our bizarre electricity was weak and dispirited. It frightened me every bit as much as Bella's heart stopping. If my touch couldn't bring her back, what use was I to her?

I wasn't expecting her to wake up quickly, but as the time passed, the waiting became excruciating. I found myself begging her to awaken. At first it was only in my head, but as she remained unconscious, I lost my inhibitions. I didn't care if the nurses thought I was strange for talking to her. I didn't care if I sounded or behaved oddly. I just needed Bella to come back to me.

The medicine Carlisle had prescribed had done its job. Tests confirmed the clot and the functionality of the drugs employed to break it up and prevent further clots from forming. Her heart had not faltered since it was defibrillated. The pattern of sinus rhythm on the heart monitor was my constant companion, etched into my mind in permanence after so many hours watching it.

Charlie had come and gone and come again. He didn't even question why I was still sitting in the same chair, in the same position, in the same clothing. He understood my need to be there, as I understood his. We were allies, partners on a team neither one of us wanted to belong to. We stood watch over her in heavy silence, draped in a shared understanding. Neither of us wanted to make small talk, or consider the 'what ifs,' or pretend that we wanted to talk at all.

The seconds ticked into the minutes as easily as the breeze blew through the trees, effortlessly, without anyone noticing. The minutes passed into hours like a maimed animal, clumsy and struggling, with the ever-increasing weight of bad news standing ominous over us. The hours limped into a day, and then two, the omen now shrouding us in its prophetic intendment. Test after test was performed. No one would speak the words, but I heard them in everyone's thoughts - she was not going to wake up.

Visitors came and went. Alice kept up the role I couldn't, bringing me food and disposing of the uneaten food she'd brought the last time she came up. She would always stay for a few minutes and sit with Bella, her hand on Bella's leg, and always kept her thoughts to herself. I wanted to ask if she'd seen anything, but I didn't really want to know if she'd seen Bella die. It was more than I could bear. Esme came, too, to sit silently with Bella, Charlie and I, effusing the upset of a mother who was losing a child. Her grief was agonizing on top of what I was already feeling. I had to excuse myself from the room when I could no longer bear it. It was too much. It was all too much. But it was all I had.

To my great surprise, Rosalie found me in the small waiting area where I had chosen to conceal myself while Esme finished her visit. I did not hear her coming, too lost in my own thoughts. She handed me a fresh change of clothing with a timid smile.

"I brought you some clean clothes. I thought you could use them, and I knew you wouldn't want to leave Bella."

For once, my self-absorbed sister thought only of Bella and me. I'd never heard her thoughts so thoroughly free of her own concerns.

"Thank you...I...you're right. I can't leave Bella."

"I wouldn't be able to leave Emmett, either," she offered nervously. "I mean, if the situation were reversed. Well...you know what I mean." Her voice trailed off in a mumble.

"I owe you an apology, Rosalie."

Her face twisted in confusion. "_You owe me an apology_?"

"For how I spoke to you on Saturday. I was only trying to unlock Balen's mind so Alice could probe the future. I used what happened in the forest with Bella against you, and it was unfair. What I said wasn't true, in fact, it was cruel, and I'm very sorry. I know you handled Bella's unexpected discovery of you with the utmost delicacy the situation could have afforded, given your dislike of her."

"You're giving me far too much credit, Edward. I could have just as easily killed her as let her go. It wouldn't have mattered to me either way."

"I know, but you chose to let her live, and whatever your reason for doing so, I am extremely grateful to you."

"You know I don't want her to die, don't you?" she asked guiltily.

"I know," I whispered. Her thoughts were filled with remorse - for what had happened in the forest, for how she'd reacted, for Bella's accident, for my upset. In that moment, Rosalie was more human to me than she had ever been.

"When bad things happen to good people...when things happen that we can't control...cruel things that make no sense...well, it's hard to see the good in things."

I knew she was referring to what happened to her while she was still human, and her thoughts confirmed it for me. More than that, she was thinking about the idea of losing the person you were fated to be with. Although she possessed no feelings of regard for Bella, she understood implicitly that Bella was that person for me, and was empathizing with my impending destruction if I lost her.

"At least you don't have to lose her."

"That's not even a consideration, Rosalie."

"Of course it's a consideration. Why wouldn't it be a consideration?"

"She's going to recover," I stated decidedly. "She is going to wake up, despite everyone believing she won't. She's a fighter, so of course I don't have to lose her."

"That's...that's not what I meant, Edward," she corrected cautiously.

The true meaning of her words sank in - that Bella didn't have to die, that I could change her to keep her with me. There was no other choice in Rosalie's mind. It was the next logical step. To her it was as easy as her decision to save Emmett, but Bella wasn't bleeding to death in the middle of the forest, or left for dead in a morgue. Bella was in a hospital, with doctors and medicine and machines. She was young and healthy, and there was no reason to believe that she couldn't come back from this.

"There's no reason to even consider that...option. There's no reason to believe that she's not going to get better."

_But what if she didn't?_

"Of course," Rosalie muttered. She felt bad for upsetting me further, for suggesting something I was obviously adverse to.

"I couldn't do that to her," I whispered, sure Rosalie would understand.

"I know," she agreed, nodding solemnly. No one hated what we were more than Rosalie did. She wouldn't wish it on anyone. "But is it worse than living without her for eternity?"

I realized that Rosalie did understand, clearly more than I understood it myself. Her question wielded the power of a blade capable of cutting me in two. I couldn't even begin to consider the answer to it. Her words drained the last of my strength, and I fell back into a chair, no longer able to hold myself up. My body shook with anger and fear. I did not feel capable of dealing with the future. I covered my head with my arms, trying to protect myself from the pain. I wanted to push the world away and fold in on myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do something besides sitting quietly at Bella's side and accepting the last moments of her life.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Did you want me to go get Alice...or someone else?" she asked awkwardly, visibly uncomfortable with the notion of tending to my emotional breakdown.

I shook my head vehemently. There was nothing that anyone could do. Only Bella herself could free me from the iniquitous purgatory I was trapped in. Rosalie stood awkwardly beside me, saying nothing while she waited for me to calm down. Once my body stilled, she spoke again.

"You're stronger than I am, or at least less selfish. There wouldn't even be a choice if it were my decision to make." She paused, considering her thoughts a second time before she spoke them. She was rarely complimentary towards me, so I knew what she was about to say was difficult for her. "But I suppose that is what makes you the man that you are - righteous and upstanding and good-hearted. I'm none of those things, and my selfishness would be all the excuse I needed. I admire you for being able to let her go, Edward, for being unable to doom her to our immortal existence, for being strong enough to live without her love."

"I'll never live without her love. Even when she's gone, our love will live on."

There was hidden meaning in my words. Without Bella's love, I would not live, merely exist, stuck unchanging and alone for eternity. My happiness would be gone. My reason for living would be gone. I would round out my days with the memories of the few short months spent with my tiny perfect Bella - the one who taught me to live, who taught me what love is, who completed me as only a soul mate can. If it was all I was destined to have, then I had to find a way to let it be enough, somehow.

Rosalie nodded gently in understanding. She was anxious to leave. She was feeling conspicuous, unsure of what to do to help me manage the emotion I was having trouble controlling, and uncomfortable with how those emotions made her feel. To Rosalie, I was cold and aloof, and seeing me behave contrarily to the personality she'd ascribed to me made her feel uneasy and inept. It gave the two of us too much in common. We had never been able to really relate to one another very well. It was something new for both of us.

"Thank you for the clothing and for coming by. It was very kind of you."

"Don't let it get out," she joked. "It will ruin my reputation for being a bitch."

"Your secret is safe with me," I assured her.

I watched her walk away before I made my way back to Bella's room. Charlie must have walked Esme to the elevator because Bella was alone. I slipped into the bathroom to quickly put on the clothing Rosalie had brought, and then took my seat at Bella's bedside. Nothing had changed. She didn't respond when I picked up her hand. The monitors all beeped and blipped and hummed as they had when I left. She was still pale and fragile and hanging on to life.

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**A/N**: Please review. Pretty please? *bats eyelashes with wide doe-eyes*


	43. Decision

**A/N:** If you're still reading this story, that means you've heard me declare 42 or so times that Twilight doesn't belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I'm just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.

I'm going to break this into two chapters I think, because it's so long, but I'll post them both today. It will be two for one OOC Monday today. I didn't break it up at Twilighted(dot) net because I can't post more than one chapter at a time into the queue so if by chance you read at both places, it will be slightly different.

My apologies to Amelie Gray – I know I promised this on Saturday Hun, but FF(dot)net would not allow me to log in for most of the weekend.

Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I've gotten some really wonderful reviews lately and I will answer them, but I figure you guys would rather have story than replies, so right now with my time limited, I ask for your continued patience.

A continuation of **Retrograde**, so if you haven't read it yet, go back and read it first.

**From Edward's POV…**

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I had spent countless hours considering what I could do to preserve Bella's life, never once seriously considering changing her. In a perfect world, had we been granted the opportunity to discuss the option of immortality and transformation, I would know what Bella's choice was, but we had not been afforded that luxury. I had the means to keep Bella beside me forever but that's the rub: it was not my decision to make. It was Bella's decision, and Bella's alone. My time with Bella would always be precious, and I had to find a way to make it be enough. That was the only decision that was mine to make. Still, as much as I tried to ignore the option, I found myself considering Rosalie's idea in spite of myself.

Another day passed in unresponsiveness. I had a sense that Bella was slipping further out of my reach, not from any medical training I had or from any change in Bella's consciousness, but because of our connection. The energy that sparkled between us continued to dwindle. The current of electricity, once white-hot and almost alive, barely flickered now, like a dying flame with nothing left to burn. I pushed my energy at her, willing her acceptance of it, trying to give the connection life, but it made no difference.

I stayed by her side, always holding her hand, and talked to her. I shared memories of my initial impressions of her and all of the things I felt and thought along our journey - the shock of her profanity, the elation of falling in love, the fear of losing or hurting her. If she was able to hear me, some of the things I admitted surely shocked her, like how badly I wanted to strike Mike Newton, or that I considered using my considerable persuasive skills to have both of Jessica Stanley's parents fired in an effort to get them to leave town. I tried to stay happy and effuse positive energy, and I was sure that if Bella were able to talk back to me, she would have told me I "sucked at it."

The results of Bella's EEG were becoming more dismal. Each day her brain activity was slowing. It was becoming impossible not to face the truth that was in front of me, but I still chose to ignore it most of the time. She was young and healthy, and people came out of comas all the time. It only made sense that Bella would defy the odds. She always did. I refused to believe that she survived her mother's death only long enough to endure the pain of the loss before her own life would be taken. It just didn't seem fair or righteous.

Charlie was at his wit's end. He couldn't get his head wrapped around the idea that she may never awaken. He knew there was nothing further medically wrong with her, and that her body had to take time to heal, but he couldn't come to terms with the notion of her slipping away from us. He felt like he'd only just gotten her back and he was angry at the entire situation. He and Carlisle were discussing options, and decided to have a specialist come in from Seattle, for a second opinion. It made sense - I only wished I'd thought of it first.

Dr. Hanson arrived that afternoon. She was well known in the field of neurology, a respected specialist who was on the cutting edge of several new therapies and taking part in multiple clinical trials. She had an uncommonly sympathetic heart for a doctor of her standing. She spoke to Bella as if Bella was fully cognizant, including her in all of the conversations she had with Charlie and my father. She held Bella's hand while she explained what she intended to do, almost as if she was asking for Bella's permission to touch her or perform tests on her. I liked Dr. Hanson very much. What I didn't like was her prognosis. It was not unexpected, but I would have preferred to have Carlisle's findings proven incorrect. They were not. Dr. Hanson felt Bella was falling further into a vegetative state. She didn't want to go as far as saying Bella was heading towards death, but I believed it was only her compassion that kept her from making that conclusion when no one asked the question directly.

By the end of the day, Bella's breathing was uneven and laboured at times, a side effect of the coma, and another sign that her brain function was faltering. Carlisle explained to Charlie and I that she would have to be put on a ventilator if her condition continued to deteriorate. It was the final blow to the last few shreds of hope I held onto.

After my father left, and Charlie and I were alone with Bella, Charlie admitted his fears aloud to me.

"We're going to lose her, aren't we, Edward?" he murmured in a pained voice.

I shrugged and gave the most honest answer I could think of. "I don't want to think about it or believe it could be true."

"But it is true. Dr. Hanson confirmed what Carlisle found. Every day Bella slips a little further away from us…and there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it."

"No, there isn't," I whispered.

"I mean, you're a smart guy…a rich guy…if there were some place we could take her to get her help, some fancy expensive clinic in Switzerland or somewhere, you'd tell me about it, right? You know money is no object, don't you? I'd sell my house, cash in my retirement savings…I sell a goddamn kidney if I needed to. I don't even care if I have to die if she can live."

"I feel the same way. If money were the only thing standing in the way of Bella's recovery, she'd already be in Switzerland. It's not the money, Charlie, and I know you'd give anything for even the slightest chance of helping her recover."

"It's all for shit though, isn't it? The universe must hate me, keeping my daughter from me for all these years, only to finally give her back to me for a few short months and steal her away permanently. I must be a pretty horrible human being to be crapped on so badly." His voice trailed off in a mumble. His self-aspersion reminded me very much of something his daughter would say. The apple really didn't fall far from the tree.

"It seems impossible to be grateful for the few short moments I've had with her right now," I murmured thoughtfully.

"You know what I mean though, don't you? Probably better than anyone else."

"I do," I agreed.

"I just got her back," he whispered, his voice breaking as tears welled in his eyes.

I wanted to tell him that I felt the same - that I was fighting against the unfairness of losing her because I couldn't accept reality - but I couldn't admit it out loud. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to cry, too, but of course I couldn't explain why I couldn't. Instead I just gently nodded in agreement.

"I know you did."

"I've got to get out of here for a bit," Charlie announced abruptly, swiping the back of his hand across his eyes to blot the tears that threatened to fall. "You'll stay with her, won't you?"

"I'll be here," I assured him.

"I just don't want her to be alone, you know…just in case?"

"I don't want her to be alone either," I agreed.

"You're a good kid, Edward. I wouldn't exactly wish for my girl to find the love of her life at seventeen. It's young to settle down…but I couldn't have asked for a better guy for her."

"Thank you," I murmured, swallowing thickly to clear the lump that formed in my throat.

"You guys could have been the two to beat the odds, I think – the couple that stayed together and were happy for the rest of your lives."

I nodded my head, unable to speak. I didn't trust my voice, and I would only upset Charlie further if I let my emotions get the better of me. He kissed Bella's forehead, and walked out of the room without another word.

I blew out a big breath once Charlie was out of earshot, when I knew it was safe to let go of my control. His words resonated with me – that Bella and I would have been the couple to beat the odds and find forever happiness together. Of course he couldn't know what forever meant for me, but I liked his idea of forever, too - that I could have given Bella a lifetime of happiness. It was the 'could have' that I struggled with – the promise of what could have been, how badly I wanted to keep that promise and the enormity of what I stood to lose - the "could" that should have been a "would." I still wanted to give it to her, for both of us. I wanted to find a way to make the situation work so that Bella might have the opportunity at a long life. Carlisle and Alice were researching all avenues, but there was nothing promising.

In some ways, it was easier not to know what I needed, because the pain of no longer having it seemed insurmountable. I was suddenly face to face with exactly the fear that kept Bella from letting me into her heart sooner – the pain resulting from the loss of love – and I had never understood Bella so well. The pain was precise and piercing and endless. It was a wonder she ever gave me the chance to let me love her.

I decided to tell her about my decision to love her even if she never loved me back. It was the night of our almost date at the Kalaloch Lodge that I realized I would have to make whatever she gave me be enough, even if it was nothing more than her disdain.

I was so frustrated that night. Late for our date because the sun trapped me, I knew it would devastate the trust Bella had placed in me. Although I tried to apologize and explain, Bella wanted no part of it. I could not accept her lies that she did not care for me, so I challenged her to kiss me to prove she felt nothing, certain I would be able to get her to relinquish her stubborn negativity with my touch. I used everything I had in me to goad her reaction, and was on the verge of giving up when I finally got her to respond, only to have her turn it around on me when I was sure she'd given into her feelings. She pushed me away and hid in her room.

I related how I snuck into her room through her window that night, and stayed outside her window even longer, just to be sure she was okay. I explained to her that I knew then, with uncommon clarity and indubitability, that I would never get over the need to comfort and protect her, and that I would give her endless chances to come to me if she needed me, always available for her no matter what. In a way, it was like dedicating my life to her. My life was hers to do what she would with from then on, whether she knew it or not, even if she had no use for it.

I tried to harness those same feelings now – selfless devotion, contentment and gratefulness for even the tiniest of gestures – to accept the gift I had been given in knowing and loving Bella as enough, trying to ignore the whispers that it was too short a time. I was unable to reconcile the two.

Charlie returned after a while, as I expected he would. I knew he could not stay away from Bella for long. I could tell from his stagger and his scent that he was intoxicated. I couldn't blame him for trying to disengage from the pain of losing her. I was looking for the same circumvention without any success.

"I'm sorry," he murmured to no one in particular as he stumbled towards the bed.

"Are you okay, Charlie?" I inquired.

"No. I'm not okay. I'm never going to be okay again," he explained in a pain-filled whisper.

"It's very unfair," I mumbled, trying to control my own feelings and focus on Charlie. He obviously needed someone to talk to.

"Unfair?" he questioned looking over at me with a disgruntled expression. "You have no fucking idea."

"Tell me then," I encouraged.

"I fucked up, Edward. I was a stupid prick to Bella's mother – smug and naïve. I thought she would come crawling back to me. Even after she left, I was dumb enough to believe that it was only a matter of time before she would come to her senses and beg me to take her back. I was too proud to get off pompous ass and fight for her, and, because of that, _I lost both my girls_."

"There was no way to know that Bella was your daughter, Charlie. Don't rake yourself over the coals for that."

"I should have known. There was a part that wondered, buried deep down, but I ignored it, like a stupid shit." His hand pushed roughly through his short hair, rubbing back and forth as he thought. "So many lost years…"

"Perhaps it's better to focus on the moments you shared?" I suggested, feeling hypocritical for trying to distract him when I couldn't take my own advice.

"It was easy not to regret the lost time when we had so many years ahead of us…but now…now all I feel is regret…regret and pain."

"She loves you, Charlie, and that says a great deal. Bella completely shut down when she lost her mother. You should understand how much you mean to her - so much that she was able to love you even with a broken heart."

"It's not enough, Edward. I want more." The pain in his voice was palpable and overwhelming, or perhaps I just understood it too intimately.

"I do, too," I admitted in a tiny voice.

"There's got to be something we can do. You're a resourceful young man. There has got to be something you've thought of that I haven't."

"There isn't," I lied.

"You're just going to let her die?" he accused angrily. It was the alcohol talking, but it still made me feel unbelievably deplorable.

"It's not up to me," I murmured, although it felt like mendacity.

"Someone has to take charge here. I can't make her come back, Edward. I'm only her father. Maybe if you beg her, tell her how much you need and love her, maybe it will be enough to make her come back?"

"I've tried," I insisted. I didn't want to shoulder any more guilt or blame; my burden was great enough, but as much as I wanted to jettison the responsibility back onto Charlie, to yell that I'd been begging her for days not to give up fighting and to come back to me, I knew it would do no good. He was a man on the verge of losing everything that meant something to him, just like I was. More responsibility or upset was not what he needed. He needed someone who understood, and no one understood better than I did.

"Try again," he impelled. "You told me the other day you'd walk through fire for her, that you'd go to the ends of the Earth to make up for the things you did that hurt her. The fire is right there in front of you, Edward. Get walking."

"I can't," I whispered. My hands were tied. I couldn't give him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I could bring his daughter back but only as a monster, and I couldn't do that to Bella.

"Can't, or wont?"

Charlie's accusatory glare was making me uncomfortable, and the weight of his allegations left my head spinning. Was it even the same thing? Was saving Bella from death and making her a monster the same thing as walking through fire for her? The pain of transformation aside, I was damning her to an immortal life as a sinister supernatural creature, and without her permission. I didn't know how to justify it. What if she hated me for doing it? Living for eternity without her would be better than having her despise me for forever, better than seeing her every day of my immortal life knowing I could never have her. Certainly she would continue to live, but not the life she currently had. If Charlie were reason enough to change her, how would she feel about that transformation when he was gone? Even if Charlie could accept Bella as a vampire, he would only be alive for another fifty odd years. If Bella held my choice to change her against me, would she want to roam the Earth alone for eternity after Charlie was gone?

"If there was something you could do to bring her back and you didn't, well…I would never forgive you."

"What if I could bring her back, Charlie? Would you accept her, even if she wasn't the same person?" I charged.

"Of course, I would. She'll always be my Bells," he declared smugly.

"What if she doesn't look the same, or behave the same? What if bringing her back would change her into something other than the Bella you know and love?"

"You're full of shit and excuses. I spent her whole life observing from the sidelines. It would sure as hell be better to do that than not have her at all."

"Even if she hated you for it?" I wondered.

"Even if she never forgave me. I'd rather spend a lifetime trying to get her to forgive me for making the wrong decision than spend a lifetime regretting not trying."

"You don't know what you're asking me to do," I lamented quietly under my breath.

"No, Edward, you don't know what you're asking me to do. You're asking me to let go of my baby girl when there is a remote chance that she could be saved. I don't care what she becomes as long as she's alive."

He wasn't thinking clearly under the influence of the alcohol, but I understood his desperation to hold onto his daughter. He didn't have all the facts though, and I had to make him comprehend what he was asking for.

"She won't be alive, Charlie. She'll be somewhere between alive and dead, in a state that would be little different than what she is in right now."

"But she wouldn't be dead, right? I wouldn't have to put her into a casket and bury her in the ground, like I did with Renee?"

It was a very black and white decision for Charlie. In his mind, just like Rosalie's, there was no other choice but to save Bella, and saving her was as simple as turning on a light switch.

"No, you wouldn't, but it's much more complicated than what you're thinking. There would be a lot of pain initially, and I'm not even sure I could do it. I might kill her in the process."

"She's going to die anyway, Edward. You'd only be ending her suffering if it didn't work," he justified.

He didn't understand what killing her would do to me, how heavily the responsibility of taking her last breath from her wore on me. Part of my choice to live against my natural instinct to feed on human blood was born of the respect for life that resulted from my transformation. I would never be able to forgive myself if I failed her.

"Just tell me how to do it and I'll do it," he offered, sensing my reluctance. His thoughts were chaotic as he tried to figure out what the cure for Bella's condition might be, leaning towards the notion of an experimental drug.

"It's not that simple, Charlie. It's something I would have to do it myself."

I began to question my own sanity - why I was even considering this, and why I was giving Charlie this much information. I doubted he would remember it in the morning, given his state of inebriation and the large amount of stress he was under, but I had to wonder if, subconsciously, I needed to talk about it. I hadn't tried very hard to dissuade him from talking about it. I told myself it was because I was trying to be there for Charlie, and I was, but was I trying to use Charlie in the same way for myself, as a sounding board?

"What would you do?" he wondered.

"I can't tell you. If we did this, you would have to trust me to do the right thing."

"I do trust you, kid. I let you be with my daughter. I know you love her, and I know you'd do your best to do right by her."

A million thoughts ran through my head. I questioned not only whether I could change her, but also if could I live with myself if I did something wrong and killed her. There was my bloodlust to consider. I'd essentially conquered the smell of Bella's blood, but the taste was an entirely different matter. Was I strong enough to stay focused on saving her to resist the call of her blood? I had proven my strength in every other way, but at this moment, this was the only way that really mattered.

Without Bella, I was nothing, but who would Bella be if I erased my presence in her life? Would she be the witty and caring woman that she became with me, or would she have remained the fearful angry girl that I met some months ago? Would she have healed without me? Remembered how to trust and love without the safety of my unconditional devotion? Could I take credit for what she grew into, or was the idea that I was able to help her turn things around only smug wishful thinking? Could the grief of losing her mother help her understand how desperately I wanted to hold on to her? How afraid I was to lose her?

I still felt like I shouldn't even be considering the option of transformation since I didn't know how Bella felt about it. It was all conjecture on my part that she would choose to live an immortal life in place of dying. Would she choose to be changed to extend her time with Charlie? Or me? I wanted her with me, and recognized that wish for the selfish desire that it was, but I couldn't easily separate my selfishness from what her inclinations might be. There was too much overlap, too much intimacy in our connection. It blurred the lines between need and want to the point of confusion.

I tried to focus my thoughts. Letting Bella die was a waste; she made the world a better place by being a part of it. Keeping her in this world was what Charlie wanted, and while I couldn't do that in the exact manner he desired, I could help him hold on to his daughter. I wanted to keep her here with us…with me. As much as I wanted my time with her as a human to be enough, it wasn't. I wanted to have the woman I loved beside me for eternity, even if the only way I could keep her with me was to transform her into something unnatural. A wave of relief washed over me in admitting what I wanted, but what would she want?

I had to be sure of her intentions, or as sure as I could be. Certainly she loved me, that fact I never doubted, but did I know enough of Bella to be sure that my choice would be her choice? She told me in her letter she wanted a future with me, that she wanted the chance to build a life with me. She had already looked past so much. Could she look past this if it was something she didn't want? Could I bear her hatred if it followed me for eternity?

When she was certain that I was dying, her choice was to spend every possible minute by my side, to face whatever the future had for us, good or bad, together. She believed that you have to use the time you are given, but what if I could extend that time? She knew the only way I would leave her was in death. Given the choice, would she choose a life with me over death?

I began to wonder if she had given me an answer without realizing the question. Her letter said she was in our relationship for as long as a forever as we had. She had no doubts that we would stay together, that we had a forever kind of love. Forever. She wanted forever with me. It was within my capabilities to give her what she wished for, what I wished for. I could give her forever.

In that moment, I came to understand that the tangible connection between us, one that could not be articulated to an appropriate degree of comprehension, went so deep that it had come to define who each of us was. In the same way that there was no me without Bella, there was no Bella without me. She made me who I was, and I made Bella who she was, and neither of us could survive intact without the other.

In the absence of her permission, this had to be my decision. Changing Bella had to be my responsibility fully, and I would have to answer for my actions if it turned out to be the wrong choice. The blame would be mine and mine alone. It would be the grandest gesture of faith that I had ever been faced with, and I loved her enough to take the risk.

I looked at Charlie's anxious, uneasy face and gave him my decision.

"Charlie, I need you to go check Bella out. Tell them you are taking her home, that she would want to spend the last few hours of her life at home, like her mother did."

"You know about that?"

"I do. Bella told me everything. I will…" Charlie interrupted me before I could finish.

"What are you going to do?"

"I can't tell you. I need you to trust me to do this my way, and if anything goes wrong, or if she doesn't make it, I will get in touch with you immediately."

"I want to be there," Charlie demanded.

"My way, Charlie. You can't be there, nor would Bella want you to be there to watch what she has to go through."

"But..."

"No exceptions, Charlie. As hard as it seems, I need you to say your goodbyes to Bella right now. I will do my damndest to bring her back to you, to both of us. I have to take her away from Forks though, and she won't be able to return. Things will be too incongruous. She will look different when you see her again. The changes in her will be striking. We will have to start a new life somewhere else, and it may not even be safe for her to see you at first."

"Not safe? What the fuck are you going to do to her, Edward?"

"I'm going to make her like me." It was the least complicated truth I could give him.

"And what does that mean?"

"It means you'll get to keep her in your life, but she has to abandon the life she has in order to do that, sort of like the witness protection program. You will be the only one who can see her. The rest of the world has to believe she has died. You have a role to play in this, Charlie. You can't let anyone know what we've done. You'll have to go through the pretense of a funeral and accept everyone's condolences, knowing you're deceiving each and every person. In fact, it might be easier for you to disappear too. I'll have Alice make the arrangements – the obituary, a flight, and a hotel for a couple of days. When you get back, you can tell people that you took Bella back to Phoenix to bury her with her mother. You'll have fewer people to deal with that way, and you'll only have to lie to the people that bother to ask after her. In the meantime, I will find us a place to live and you can follow if you choose."

"I feel like there is something you're not telling me," Charlie probed.

"There are things you can't know, for your own well-being, but I'm telling you as much as I'm safely able to. It comes down to trust and truly embracing the idea of saving Bella at any cost."

I cruelly preyed on Charlie's desperation, but it worked. He only wanted to save his daughter. His mind shifted away from the questions he had about how Bella would be saved, and focused only on the idea of saving her.

"How long before we know if it worked?"

"Seventy-two hours, give or take."

"And you're sure I can't be there?" he questioned again.

"It's for the best if you're not."

He nodded stiffly and walked out to make the arrangements to have Bella discharged. My phone was already vibrating in my pocket. I didn't need to answer to know it would be Alice and that she would be offering help, but I answered it anyway.

"I need you to come pick up Charlie. He'll need a flight to Phoenix and a hotel for two nights, and could you take care of the obituary? Just something simple, and explain that Bella will be returning to Phoenix to be laid to rest beside her mother."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Alice asked quietly.

"Yes," I whispered, feeling weighted by my decision, as if I'd had already committed the act.

"I can't see the future yet. Are you sure you're decided?"

"I am decided. I'm taking Bella to the cabin by Lake Ozette, and I'll contact you once she emerges."

"Why won't you let us help you, Edward? Carlisle has changed four of us successfully. At the very least, he could make sure you do it without error."

"It has to be all me, Alice. I don't even know if she wants this, and if she doesn't, I don't want her to blame anyone else. It's my decision; no one else's, so no one else needs to be there. I have to be the one to explain everything when she wakes up, and beg her forgiveness if I've wronged her."

"I know, Edward, but it's not that you're unsupported in your decision. We all want this; no one wants Bella to die."

"It goes deeper than blame, Alice. It has to be my venom that transforms her. I want her to know that I love her enough to risk everything, that I have no reservations, that I want all of her for forever. She's my soul mate, and giving our love a chance to live for eternity has to be my risk, no one else's."

"Okay," she acquiesced, her voice softened in understanding.

"And would you mind refraining from looking for her future, just for a little while, to give me some privacy to do this without an audience, please?"

"Don't you want to know if she'll make it, once it becomes clear?"

"Right now, I only know that if I take her life, I don't want anyone observing my failure."

"You know we'll just be a few minutes away if you need anything…anything at all."

"I know, and thank you for understanding."

"I don't really understand your choice to do this alone," she admitted, "but I trust you. How deeply you love Bella has never been more clear, and that's enough for me."

"I just hope Bella sees it."

"I don't have to see the future to know she will."

"Do you mind helping Charlie?"

"Not at all. I'm on my way to him now."

"Thanks, Alice."

"Everything will work out, Edward," she promised. I closed the phone and went to the nurse's station where the head night nurse was arguing with Charlie.

"Sir, if you check your daughter out, you'll be killing her. She is in critical condition and needs to be under the care of a physician."

"Listen, lady, she's my daughter, and she doesn't want to take her last breath in this damn hospital. I'm taking her home."

"There are forms to sign then, Mr. Hayes. You understand there is still a chance that she'll wake up from the coma, don't you?"

"Just give me the damn forms," he muttered in disgust.

"Is there a problem?" I asked.

"Nurse Mean'n'Nasty thinks we should let Bella die in this sterile shithole."

"Sir, I'm just trying to explain her condition. If she requires life support and is not in the proper facility to accommodate her, she'll die for sure. At least she has a chance here."

"She's dying, you idiot. If you're going to lecture me on the virtues of life support, at least get your damn facts straight, maybe know a little bit about my daughter's case." Charlie continued muttering under his breath as the nurse slapped the metal clipboard down in front of him with a harsh thwacking sound. "You just want her fucking organs. I know how this crap works. A patient goes brain dead and all the wolves descend to collect their piece of anatomy."

"Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause," she stated tersely.

"Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause," Charlie mocked in a high falsetto voice as he scribbled his signature on the paper. "Bunch of fucking vultures."

He shoved the forms back at her haphazardly, and as she picked up the clipboard, he closed his fingers around her wrist and looked intensely at her, tears welling in his eyes.

"I know she's just a body to you, a faceless person in a long line of cases you care for, but she's my baby girl. She's got big brown eyes and a smile that can light up a room. She loves music and laughing and nature. She's smart and sarcastic and brave and a hell of a lot more than just a flipping number. I get that you have to be desensitized to work with terminal patients, but it wouldn't hurt you to be a little gentler with their families. They aren't just bodies to us." The tears trailed down his cheeks in uneven streams and Charlie swiped at them with his palm, releasing the nurse's wrist in the process. She just stood there, silent, staring at him.

Charlie turned to leave and she whispered, "Good luck to you and your daughter." Charlie's love for his daughter was palpable, even for a detached night nurse.

I followed Charlie to the elevators silently.

"Are we all set?" he wondered, acting like it was a simple business transaction.

"Alice is waiting for us downstairs. Go down and have her bring the Volvo up to the Emergency room doors."

"Okay." His voice cracked and he gruffly cleared his throat, scrubbing more tears with the back of his sleeve as he stepped into the elevator. He didn't turn to face me before the doors closed.

Carlisle was in Bella's room, unhooking her for me. Alice had called him to explain things and he wanted to be of some assistance. He wasn't worried about what I was doing. He believed it to be the right decision, but he was worried about me, and what a mistake that resulted in Bella's death would do to me.

"Thank you," I murmured, moving to stand beside Bella and stay out of his way. He was almost finished.

"It was the least I could do," he assured me without looking at me. He removed her IV line, smoothing a bandage over the insertion hole and patting the back of her hand. "She's all set for you." Finally, he looked up at me, and I instantly understood why he hadn't looked me in the eye before now. He was drowning in worry for me, holding back his thoughts so I wouldn't know the depth of his concern.

"I have to do this," I confessed.

"I know, son. I've attached her oxygen tube to a portable tank. She'll need the oxygen to breathe while you transport her. Her lung function is severely impaired by the decline in brain activity. I'm not sure how long she'll make it without a respirator."

"I'll drive quickly," I mumbled. I hadn't considered having difficulties getting her to the cabin alive.

"You can do this, Edward."

Part of me wanted his assuredness, and part of me fought it. It was hard to see everyone embrace my decision, although I was quite sure it was only because I didn't know if Bella would. I pulled the blanket around Bella's body and gathered her up gently, relieved to finally feel her in my arms. The relief was quickly replaced by sadness and fear though. Her body was liked dead weight in my arms and the thought almost brought me to my knees. I told myself to pretend she was sleeping and that eased the pain. I longed to feel her tiny hands around my neck, if for no other reason than the sense of normality it would impose on me. I had already begun to doubt my decision and my ability to carry it through.

Carlisle led me to the patient elevator and used his key to unlock it for me, following me in once I brought Bella inside. The doors closed quietly behind us and I was glad for the privacy. I felt dishonest stealing Bella away under the cover of darkness. I felt afraid and apprehensive and a million other negative emotions. Even Carlisle could sense it.

"You just have to stay relaxed and focused, Edward," he iterated in a hushed whisper. "You may not be sure of Bella's wishes, but you must trust your own instincts, unless you're ready to lose her."

Carlisle had a way of cutting through superfluous thoughts and feelings to get to the heart of the matter. In this case, although his honesty was painful, it made what was important crystallize before my clouded vision, quickly focusing me on my task. The tiny girl in my arms, the love of my life, she was the important thing. I owed her my full and focused attention. I nodded at Carlisle, my lips pulled together in uneasy agreement.

He took little used corridors through the bottom floor of the hospital, whisking us out a side door and waving Alice and Charlie over to us. Charlie pulled Carlisle's Mercedes just past where we were, leaving room for Alice, who brought the Volvo up behind him. I stood frozen as Charlie walked towards me, understanding too clearly that this may be the last time he saw Bella alive, and knowing it would be the last time she would look like this version of his daughter. He leaned forward and kissed Bella's forehead, not the least bit put off by my stiff stature or not noticing it. His preoccupation with Bella was probably to his advantage.

"She already looks better, Edward," Charlie noted falsely. "She just needs your TLC."

I had no idea how to respond. Alice could sense it.

"You're right, Charlie. Bella is exactly where she ought to be," Alice stated confidently. "Did you say goodbye?"

Charlie pushed Bella's hair back off her face, hesitating for a moment in a silent farewell. "Whatever happens, Edward, take good care of her, but please, bring her back to me." His voice disintegrated with each word, from a confident and assured evenness to a desperate and frightened whisper.

"I promise," I murmured out of respect for the man who had granted me this opportunity, too afraid to speak my doubts and disappoint him.

"Let's get you two in the car and on your way," Alice encouraged. "If we stand around too long, we'll only draw attention to ourselves."

Charlie held the Volvo door open for me, and I placed Bella gently into the passenger seat. I made my way to the driver's side.

I wished I could have given Charlie some privacy to say goodbye, but then again, I knew no matter how many times he said his farewell, it would never be enough. He kissed her forehead once more, and whispered a broken 'I love you.' His tears didn't surprise or bother me, only made me feel infinitely more accountable to him. He had placed all of his hopes and trust in me; I was determined not to disappoint him.

Alice waited for Charlie to finish, and then leaned into the cabin to buckle Bella's seatbelt. "Look," she demanded in a quiet whisper.

I saw Alice's mind, and a picture of Bella's monitor alarms ringing. The time on the clock above her bed in the vision was 5:30 AM. It was a vision Alice must have had prior to my decision to change Bella. She wanted me to know that Bella would have died that night if we hadn't taken her away. As upsetting as it was to see glimpses of that moment, it brought me calm. With Bella only a few hours from death, the way I saw my task evolved, becoming a rescue instead of a theft. I was no longer stealing her life; I was extending it the only way I knew how.

I reached for Alice's arm, wrapping my hand around her wrist to stop her and get her attention. "Take care of Charlie," I begged.

She blinked in agreement. "It will work out."

"Thanks, Alice." She understood the depth of my thank you, and gave me a kind smile in return.

"I'll be in touch," I promised everyone, "as soon as I know anything definitively."

Alice's thoughts were confident. I was sure she'd seen the future and was keeping it from me, or perhaps my doubts blocked the outcome from her, but she believed with everything in her that I would be successful and that she would have her friend back at her side in a few days. Carlisle was guardedly cautious, but decided. He felt strongly that changing Bella was the right choice for everyone, even Bella. His negativity stemmed from the perceived pain I would go through in the next seventy-two hours, which he focused on to block the rest of his thoughts – the ones that centered on what it would do to me if I killed her. Obviously, he wasn't doing as good a job to block those thoughts as he believed he was, or maybe it was just my level of intense scrutiny as I prepared myself for the task ahead of me. My instincts had shifted into a protective mode now that Bella's care rested with me. Charlie's thoughts understandably vacillated between hope and uncertainty, longing for the best and fearing the worst. I wished in vain for something I could give him to soothe his fears but there was nothing. I could only do everything within my power to deliver him his daughter. I hoped that would be enough.

Charlie closed Bella's door with a soft click and stepped back from the Volvo, after he tapped the roof a couple of times to let me know I could pull away. I did so with a slight trepidation.

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**A/N**: Please review.


	44. Endings

**A/N:** If you're still reading this story, that means you've heard me declare 43 or so times that Twilight doesn't belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I'm just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.

It's two for one OOC Monday today.

This is the second part of…well no, wait, it's truly the third part of the chapter. The chapter started with **Retrograde**, then **Decision**, and now **Endings**. I was loquacious and verbose, but you all should be used to that by now.

Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I've got the most awesome readers and I'm grateful to you guys. I ask for your continued patience with review answering. I know you understand, and most people have told me they'd rather have story than a reply, so here is more story for you.

A continuation of **Retrograde** and **Decision**, so if you haven't read them yet, go back and read them first. It begins exactly where **Decision** (Chapter 43) left off.

**From Edward's POV…**

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The trip to Lake Ozette was uneventful. Once I got onto the highway, I unbuckled Bella and pulled her body towards me. Even though she was limp against my side, her warmth allayed my nerves and her breathing kept time for me. The sound was as sweet as any music I'd ever heard, and more precious than the rarest jewel. It formed a harmony with the rhythm of her heart, and together, they were the soundtrack for the drive.

We were to our destination within twenty minutes. I would apologize to her later for the speed at which I drove, when there was more time. I could imagine the tongue-lashing she would give me, and the multiplicity of expletives she'd choose to express her dismay. I pulled the Volvo into the small garage, to disguise our presence at the lake, and carried her into the cabin, not bothering to turn on any lights. I could see adequately in the darkness, and somehow it made my task seem less real.

I walked over to the bed, intending to put Bella down, but I couldn't let her go. I needed her there in my arms like I'd never needed anything before. Sitting down on the mattress, I shifted backwards until my back rested on the headboard. I held her tenderly against me, revelling for a few minutes in her warmth and her scent and her softness, all of which would die with her humanity. I would be the luckiest man on Earth to have her with me, but I would miss all of the things that made her different from me, the way you miss a vacation spot - with fondness and a distant longing and a tiny bit of sadness.

I cradled her tiny head in my palm, tucking it into my neck, and I said my goodbye, just in case. I silently promised myself that I would make her transformation a success, but I needed a few moments to speak my heart.

"I love you," I whispered, pressing my lips into her silky hair until I felt her ear beneath them. "If there were anything else that would save you from death, please know I would have chosen it. This is the last thing I wanted for you. Everything happened so fast that there wasn't time to ask your permission. This was not something I ever allowed myself to consider, but I was never as close to losing you as I am right now." I swallowed hard and tried to push the emotion back, but my efforts were fruitless. My voice cracked, strained with the depth of understanding only experience could deliver. "You're right. Death changes everything. Please forgive me for what I'm about to do…for the pain and for taking away your humanity." I kissed her ear with repentant lips, silently begging her for her understanding and forgiveness, and summoned every ounce of courage in me. I would need it all, and then some. "You mean everything to me. You are my world, and understanding that I mean the same thing to you is the only way I could go through with this."

I knew what I had to do now. I'd spoken my goodbye, and there was no point in procrastinating further. Her time was finite, and waiting might complicate my task.

My strategy was simple - get the venom to her heart as quickly as possible. Her heart would help spread the poison, and the speed of its delivery would prevent me from backing out. Once the venom flowed into her vein, there would be no going back - no medical procedure that could remove it from her system or technique I could use to counter its toxicity. The spread would be quick and irreversible.

I untucked her tiny head from the crook of my neck and angled her face up towards mine. I wished I could see her eyes one last time before they were altered forever, even though I knew it was unavailing. For all intents and purposes, she was already gone, and knowing that made my plan much easier to execute and persevere through. I kissed her soft unresponsive lips, hoping against hope one last time that she would come alive, like sleeping beauty and her prince, only I was no prince, and she was not sleeping. My kiss did nothing but seal our goodbye.

I let my lips trail slowly from her mouth, pressing against her soft cheek and along her jawbone. If, by some miracle, she could sense my touch or knew I was there, I wanted the last thing she'd remember to be my love. I kissed her skin tenderly as I made my way haltingly towards my mark. My mouth found her earlobe and I pulled the rounded flesh between my lips, taking a moment to reassure myself. I could feel my hesitation building, so I tried to make peace with the impending act itself, to relieve the growing anxiety.

If Bella were conscious and in the moment with me, my lips on her earlobe as they were, she would have let her head drop back so I could kiss her more thoroughly there. In my mind, I could hear the tiny mew that would have left her lips against her will when I moved my mouth and pressed it into the depression behind her ear. The strange mixture of emotions I felt overwhelmed me - anger and sadness, along with desire and longing. The lack of response from her was agonizing. It brought an emptiness that I didn't think was possible. Illogically, I fought against the emptiness, kissing her skin more passionately. The effect was two-fold, but both effects were negative. The emptiness and the desire grew.

I kissed my way down her neck, now fully exposed to me, and tucked my nose underneath her jawbone. Her scent seemed stronger there than I remembered, and it made the longing worse. My lips hovered above her internal jugular vein – superficial, unprotected and susceptible to me – in a final moment of hesitation.

"I love you," I murmured desperately against her skin, and then sank my teeth into the vein.

I had tasted human blood before, but nothing rivalled the taste of Bella's blood on my tongue. It was nectarous and ambrosial, and _beyond everything_ - my imagination, my comprehension, even my control. The moment the taste hit my tongue, my venom gushed rapidly, abundant and unceasing. I could feel my body reacting to her sweetness, tingling with pleasure and desire, and while I didn't want my body to feel anything, it was impossible not to. Just as in every other way, her blood was perfect for me too.

My lips still pressed to her throat, I momentarily lost myself in the sublimity of the thick red liquid as it pooled on my tongue, enjoying it more than I wanted to admit. Ashamed of the twisted pleasure I was feeling, but unable to resist, I closed my eyes and let it slide down my throat. I knew I needed to regain my focus and shut off what I was feeling, but the sweetness of her blood dominated me.

I doubted that I'd injected enough venom to transform her without encumbrance, so I knew I couldn't halt my actions yet, but I knew I could only fight the delectation successfully for so long. If I didn't stop soon, there would be no stopping, and I would kill her instead of transform her. The duality was excruciating. My body was rigid as I fought the urge to suck more of the liquid than what passively dripped into my mouth. The flow was already the limit of what I could handle and still think through. Her blood was as much a poison to me as my venom was to her.

I began to feel things I hadn't anticipated, things I wasn't prepared for. As I laid my plan out in my mind, I knew I would be fighting my bloodlust, that the taste of Bella's blood on my tongue would be overwhelming and I would be controlled by it if I gave in. I tried to ready myself to resist it, for the onslaught of emotions I would feel - guilt, fear, trepidation, and even the pleasure – but I was not ready for the desire it created. I hadn't anticipated the way my lips on her neck and her scent in my nose and her warmth against me would unite with the taste of her delicious blood to activate me sexually.

Fear rippled through me as my will slipped further away. I couldn't allow my remaining control to abdicate.

I held her tightly to my body, too tightly; it would have bruised her under normal circumstances, but my hold on her body was the only thing the tied me to the here and now. I bit down on her neck harder, fighting to focus on my task and deliver more venom, as Bella's perfection vitiated my control. My arousal continued to mount, and even amidst my own disgust, I felt myself harden. As perverted as it was, I still did not halt my actions.

I shifted, trying to ward off the worst parts of my nature, pulling Bella's body closer still, and her tiny head rolled and slumped limply across her shoulder. I hadn't even realized that my hand was no longer supporting it, too caught up in my desire and bloodlust to pay proper attention. It made me feel deplorable, like nothing better than an animal, and completely undeserving of Bella's love and devotion. My behaviour was opprobrious and corrupt, but the shame I felt snapped me to attention. Bella deserved better than to die at my careless and selfish hands. She deserved a respectful, attentive and adoring man to care for her in every way, and most especially when she couldn't care for herself.

The sweetness of her blood suddenly soured on my tongue, adulterated with the guilt and disgrace of my reactions, and tainted by the venom that pooled in my mouth. My hand darted to cup and support her tiny head, and I retracted my teeth from her skin. Surely I had injected enough venom to exact her transformation. I kissed her neck gently, understanding that breaking the connection equated with admitting there was nothing more that I could do. I had taken Bella as far as I could on my own; my venom had to chaperon her for the remainder of her journey.

I had not taken the time to dress her at the hospital so she still wore the standard issue ill-fitting hospital gown. I pulled at the excess fabric, using it to cover the wound I'd made until her body healed itself, but it didn't seem like enough. I peeled the bandage my father had placed on her hand off, and smoothed it over her neck wound. I was satisfied with the option, but still wanted to do more for Bella. I lay her gently down on the mattress, quickly unbuttoning my shirt and shrugging out of it. Bella would like waking up in my shirt, I was sure of it. I removed the hospital gown and slid my shirt onto her arm, rolling her body towards me so I could drag the cotton around her and along her other arm. My hands sped over the buttons, anxious to have her in my arms again. As soon as the shirt was buttoned, I pulled her against me once more.

It wasn't long before Bella's hands, once limp and pressed between our chests, twitched. The venom was beginning to take hold. I felt guilty for the relief it brought, knowing it would only be a matter of time before the venom healed Bella's injuries and the screaming began. It would be torturous to hear, but like a walk in the park compared to the hell Bella would be lost in. I remembered the burning pain all too well, and wouldn't wish it on my mortal enemy.

I watched her closely for signs of change. The pain would start in her heart and spread from there. I could tell when it reached her extremities, her fists tightly clenched against the pain; her tiny toes curled and strained, trying to resist the agony. They would remain in that state for the majority of the transformation. I held Bella to me and whispered whatever came to mind, silly stories about places I wanted to take her to and what we would see while we were there. The hours passed in worried lurches and hushed wishes.

The pain continued to worsen. The venom had more to repair in her brain and it seemed to take longer to accomplish its task. By daybreak, I could tell the healing had begun by the way her brow wrinkled and her eyebrows knitted together. I kissed the pucker over and over again, hoping to soothe her and myself, and failed on both fronts. I murmured apologies until the words lost their meanings and I doubted their very existence.

She slipped further into the pain by the end of the afternoon. Her eyes were squeezed so tightly shut that I doubted I could pry them open, even with all of my strength. Her expression was nothing more than a grimace. She was still silent, and my worry that something in the process of transformation had gone wrong began to fester. It was easy to deprecate my efforts while I held her and watched her agony with culpable eyes. Even if the only other alternative was unfathomable, her pain was completely my fault.

When darkness fell that night, it brought a new wave of worry. At the twenty-four hour mark, I was ready to phone Carlisle, but didn't. There was nothing he could do to help even if something had gone wrong. Her veins were already sealed shut by the venom. I understood that what I was really wanted was assurance; something no one but Bella could give me. I could still hear her heart beating. I could still hear each breath she took. I could still see little changes in her posture and expressions. I knew there was no way I could rush the process, as much as I wished there were, as much as I hated the waiting.

I spent much of the night trying to still her body against the tremors that rippled through her. The pain had engulfed her whole body.

Dawn was a double-edged sword. There was some abatement in knowing she was halfway through the process of transformation, but the relief was short lived. As the light broke through a crack in the drapes, and a small slice illuminated Bella's distressed expression, I saw her tears; another reaction to the abysmal pain she was enduring. They shouldn't have surprised me the way they did, but they made me feel as if my chest had been ripped wide open. In that moment, I would have killed myself to take away her pain.

Time seemed to be slowing, and Bella's pain was still worsening. Her muteness was deafening. I almost think I would have preferred her screaming, although I understood that it was merely easier to believe the idea than the actual practice of it would have been. I spoke my hypotheses about her uncommunicativeness aloud, feeling like I might go mad from the silence. I assumed it had much to do with the healing in her brain. With her impaired brain function, her body was not processing the pain. As the venom healed the neurons, and the connections were revitalized, the pain became more apparent to her. There was some amenity in the belief of this theory. If the transmission of pain across her synapses was impaired, then it was possible that she didn't suffer as much as she would have if her brain had been fully functional. I would discuss it with Carlisle, but only Bella would be able to confirm or deny the absence of pain when she woke up.

The paroxysms appeared around midnight. The tiny tremors that plagued her body for the better part of twenty-four hours morphed into violent convulsions. There was little I could do to stop the powerful involuntary muscle contractions that forced her arms and legs to flail, and her head and torso to contort. I did my best to hold her body tightly to my own, so she could brace herself against something, but it only seemed to irritate her further. Finally, I gave up, releasing her from my arms and laying her gently down on the mattress. Perhaps the hardness of my body made the pain worse. Maybe a soft mattress would help her relax.

A tiny groan left her lips, so quiet that normal ears wouldn't have heard it. It was the first sound I'd heard from her in days and it awakened my whole body. I would liken it to an adrenaline rush or what the jolt from a defibrillator might feel like. I bent as close to her ear as I could without impeding her movement and told her how much I loved her, reminding her that I was right beside her if she needed me. She groaned again, louder this time, loud enough that human ears might have picked it up. Her body continued to convulse in random bursts. After each one subsided, I would stroke her hair and whisper promises, hoping they would give her something to look forward too. If she could think through the pain, which was both possible and probable, it might give her something to think about to take her mind off the torture her body was going through.

Bella remained quieter than I anticipated she would. Her occasional groans got louder with the strength of the convulsions, but she mainly stayed silent. I assured her it was okay to yell and scream if she needed to, and reminded her of it often. Near dawn, the paroxysms finally ended for good. Bella rolled herself into a tight ball and I took the opportunity to tuck myself around her. I wrapped my arms around her as best I could and explained that it was almost over, and that she was doing amazingly well. Her body seemed to relax infinitesimally when I spoke so I decided to tell her what was happening to her.

I started at the beginning of the problems with her health, disclosing that the nausea and difficulty she had breathing at the hospital were not her over-exerting herself, but a pulmonary embolism that probably started in her broken leg after it was re-injured in the crash. The next part was more difficult to detail. My voice was uneven as I described what happened to her heart with painful clarity – how it stopped, how she was given CPR and then defibrillated, how it all felt unreal and that I couldn't imagine her dying. My body was rigid as I recounted that she never regained consciousness. I'm sure she could sense the tension in the way I held my body, even with the degree of pain she was in. I thought I felt her push against me slightly, but I couldn't be sure of it. I explained that I stayed with her the entire time, holding her hand and talking to her. I told her about the specialist and the decreasing brain function and the conversation I had with Charlie about saving her.

I didn't want her to think I had any reservations about my decision, so I explained how I couldn't imagine a world without her in it, that I no longer knew how to exist without her love, and that I didn't really want to try. I told her how I wished I had her permission or, at the very least, her thoughts on the subject, but in the absence of either, I had to make the decision based on what I knew. We had a magical forever kind of love, one that connected us more deeply than most, and because I knew she understood that and wanted a future with me, that she wanted whatever sort of forever she could have with me, that I took it upon myself to move forward and save her from death. I explained that Charlie knew only obscure details but that he could remain in her new life. I hesitated when I began to tell her what that new life meant, unsure, and afraid of upsetting her.

I explained that ultimately what was happening to her was a result of my decision and then told her that she was just like me now - a vampire. I revealed that my venom had fixed the broken parts of her – her leg, her lungs, her brain – and that it would also change her body from human to undead, that she would have the same cold pale hard skin as me, and even the same topaz eyes eventually, if she chose my lifestyle. I disclosed that she would forever be frozen at seventeen – the same body, the same thoughts, and the same desires – and that by forever, I truly meant forever, that she was now immortal.

I confessed that she would look different when she saw her reflection, but confirmed that she was still exactly the same person inside, and every bit as beautiful as she always was. I explained the speed, and the strength and every little detail I could think of, regardless of how insignificant it seemed. She deserved to know it all; it was her life now.

There was a period in early afternoon where Bella was almost relaxed, like she was sleeping, but I knew it was the calm before the storm. As evening broke, so did Bella's pain tolerance, and she screamed out. At first, it was simply just a loud, emotional, pain-ridden wail. Later, it was my name, begging for me to make the burning stop. I knew from experience that once the fiery pain began to recede from her extremities, the pain in her heart would climb exponentially. I didn't blame her for crying out. I did my best to comfort her, for as little good as it did, but hopefully she knew she wasn't alone.

I continued to talk, speaking softly into her ear in hopes of comforting her. I told her about my love of music, detailing my wall of CDs at home and the various genres they covered. I told her about playing the piano, explained how to read sheet music, and even a little bit about the piece I started to compose with her in mind, after the ski trip. I pledged to finish it for her when there was time, if she wanted me to.

The screaming continued, intensifying as the sun began to set. She was nearing the end. I could hear the differences in her heartbeat – faster, less steady and somehow louder. Then again, I was concentrating on the sound, trying to commit its cadence to memory. By and by, all it would be was a memory. I told her I could hear differences in her heartbeat, and promised that it would all be over soon, kissing her shoulder to seal my declaration. I was uncommonly relaxed, even with Bella's screams, knowing her pain was drawing to a close. I'd let go of my apprehension that something had gone wrong since she'd found her voice. Now, I only needed to know if she'd forgive me for my decision.

Before long, her heart started beating so quickly that the sounds became almost indistinct, slamming into one another and overlapping. Bella retreated into silence once again, trying to deal with the unbearable pain she was suffering. It was then that her tiny hand curled around my index finger and held on. I gasped, in spite of being prepared for her transformation to be over. I'd been holding that tiny hand for days without a response, and I'd forgotten how much I needed her touch, too wrapped up in helping her to think of my own needs. Now that I had those perfect little fingers around mine, I needed more.

"That's it," I coaxed. "Hold on to me, Bella. I'm right here."

She squeezed harder, not realizing her strength, and I marvelled at the force of her grasp. Gone was the feeble grip of her humanity, and, in its place, the overwhelming power of a newborn vampire. I didn't even care that it hurt. If it helped her to feel better in even the smallest of ways, she was welcomed to whatever she needed.

I could feel her coming out of the pain; the strange electricity that passed between us had finally come back to life, surging and tingling with a new intensity. I was practically giddy with anticipation. She was almost mine again.

Bella traversed into her new life in the same manner she left her old one, in silence. I felt her body finally relax into mine, and heard the delicate swish as her eyes fluttered opened.

"Edward?"

Her voice was the sweetest deliverance I'd ever been granted.

I laughed lightly, too overjoyed to contain my reaction, and pressed my lips against her ear in a soft kiss. "I'm right here," I murmured in assurance. I was sure she was disoriented and that her newly acquired senses seemed hyper acute and strange. "Welcome back. I've missed you so."

She rolled to face me, curious and questioning, but most importantly, alive and responsive. Seeing her beautiful face reanimated was exhilarating and it took my breath away. I wondered how I ever allowed myself to be foolish enough to believe I could live without her.

"You've been through a lot in the last week, and I have a lot to tell you, but first, tell me how you're feeling?"

For a moment, I thought perhaps she might be bewildered, her expression a mixture of awe and confusion.

"I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but you'll adjust quickly, and I'll be beside you every step of the way to answer your questions."

I stared back at her, reverent and grateful, and gave her a moment for things to sink in.

"What's this shit about you playing the piano?" she asked, surprised. She tried to keep a serious expression in place but her smirk betrayed her. "You'd think you'd have mentioned that before now." Her smirk morphed into a smile, her beautiful pink lips curling and her rounded cheeks pushing back until her eyes were wrinkled and her whole face lit up. My Bella was back, and the whole world seemed brighter under the radiance of her smile.

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**A/N:** Please review.


	45. Beginnings

**A/N**: The owner of all things Twilight is not I; it's Stephenie Meyer, and to some extent Summit, or at least they are cashing in and making millions off it, unlike me who makes no cash money from it. My currency is joy and imagination. :o)

Thank you to the readers who have supported the story by reading it, as well as a special shout out to those who have reviewed it. It's greatly appreciated. As much as I don't want to admit this, even to myself, there are only 2 chapters left after this one. I would like to extend the offer to anyone who wishes to mention in their review anything that they would like addressed or tied up in the story. I'm fairly certain I will be able to finish it up satisfactorily for everyone, but I'd also be happy to include any little details that I can work in that you guys are worried about.

Take care and have a good Monday. September is beating down our door, isn't it?

**From Bella's POV**…

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I think sometimes you have a sixth sense when you need it most, just some little something extra that brings you clarity or understanding - your own situational epiphany in emergencies - like knowing I was going to die. I saw Edward's worried face from across the room, but what really stood out to me was the fear in his eyes. I was pretty sure that my future wasn't looking very bright when the horde of medical personnel descended on me. I'd just come out of surgery, and that much medical attention for some vague and nondescript symptoms couldn't be a good sign. When Edward whispered, "I love you," that pretty much sealed the deal for me. My life was hanging precariously in the balance, and we both knew it. There was no time to respond to him. I tried to fight against the shadows, but I couldn't find the strength. Everything was going black. In my last conscious seconds, I thought about how lucky I was to have Edward and his love, and wished for one last kiss from him, one to take with me and hold on to forever.

The blackness engulfed me fully, holding me under and suffocating me. I lost track of time and space, of every sense that would help me figure out what was happening to me, or even where the hell I was. The only thing I felt at all was a tingling in my right hand, not exactly like pins and needles, but something resembling it. I couldn't make the sensation stop no matter how many times I waved my hand around or flexed my fingers. I eventually gave up trying and just accepted it as part of the process of death. Hopefully, by the time I reached wherever I was going, the feeling would be gone, because it would be seriously annoying if it were to last for eternity.

Out of nowhere, the black disappeared, replaced by a brilliant white. It was familiar in an odd way, like a place I'd visited in a dream, and even though it was the opposite of the darkness that had overpowered me, I wasn't comforted by it, not like I probably should have been. If the blackness left me feeling lost and scared, the bright white was stark and lonely. I think I was expecting someone to be there to greet me, like my mom, or maybe my old dog - someone that loved me and that I loved. I didn't want to be alone. I'd done alone. It wasn't what it was cracked up to be. But there was no one there, anywhere.

I got sick of waiting for someone to come and find me, so I copped a squat on the ground. It would have been cooler to sit on a cloud or some shit, but it was just regular hard earth. A tiny voice in my head was telling me to look around, but I couldn't be bothered. Someone had to be coming for me; otherwise, what was the point to an afterlife? I'd rather just sit and wait.

The colour around me was morphing again, now a soft yellow, calm and welcoming, like the first rays of sun through your window in the morning. I figured it was supposed to bring me peace, but it was an epic fail. In fact, the longer I sat there, the weirder I felt. I was beginning to think I was losing it; trying to decide if I'd actually gone insane as opposed to dying. I was hearing voices, Edward's in particular. He was talking about Paris and the Eiffel Tower. A curious choice of topic really, and one that made little sense to me, since we'd neither been there or talked about going there.

_Sure Edward, I'll visit the Acropolis with you. I've heard it's beautiful. We can see a concert there. You'd like that, music, sure. _

Yes, I was answering the voices. What else was I going to do?

I'd give the afterlife a three out of ten, and honestly, that was being generous. On the upside, there was a pretty and colourful light display that I'd never heard mentioned, but it was slow moving at best. There were the voices of the ones I loved, or one I loved. I wasn't sure where the others were, not that Charlie ever had much to say. And it was spacious - just wide open nothing as far as the eye could see. On the downside, there was no comfy cloud seating, or even a chair to sit on. I expected a La-Z-Boy or a hammock or maybe even a comfy fluffy bed. The idea of sitting on the hard ground for eternity really didn't sound like that much fun to me. There was zero company, no loved ones to take me in, or even a friendly face to greet me - a major disappointment in my opinion. Having no one to talk to, and not even anyone to look at, pretty much sucked from every angle I looked at it from, and I was feeling very alone. Yeah, I think a three was pretty generous.

Oh look, time for the colour show to shift again. Orange, like an ocean sunset sky - tranquil and soothing, only without the fun cloud shapes, sloshing waves and pretty blue ocean. Okay, maybe not as great as an ocean sunset. It didn't feel quite the same without the breeze coming off the water and my toes in the sand. In fact, I was starting to feel the heat from it, as if it really were a sunset I was looking at. Maybe it was? Maybe the afterlife could be whatever I could conjure up in my mind? I watched as the pseudo-sunset changed before my eyes, melting ambers in the centre that darkened to persimmons around the edges. The whole colour scheme seemed to be darkening, drifting through oranges into pinks and reds, pale salmon to coral red, tomato soup to vermilion. It was incredibly beautiful, but strangely ominous.

That sixth sense thing kicked in again. My palms began to sweat, and I could feel droplets of perspiration beading on my upper lip and on the back of my neck. What the hell was going on? And why was Edward's voice apologizing over and over again? I felt tense and disassociated, almost like I was watching myself from the outside in - backwards, inside out and upside down. I didn't like it at all. You couldn't die twice, could you? That would be just my luck to die a second time in the afterlife. Unlucky to the very end.

I could feel my fear building, pressing down on me with enormous exigency. I tried to shrug it off, but there was no getting rid of it. I finally just cried, like the frightened little girl I felt like. I didn't even try to dry the tears. I just let them fall and streak my cheeks and stewed in my loneliness and self-pity.

Even Edward's voice didn't make me feel better. I struggled to pay attention through my irritation, but he wasn't exactly speaking about comforting topics either, some shit about revitalized neural pathways and impaired transmission of pain across synapses. He said something about my brain not being fully functional. He obviously thought I'd lost it too.

It was hard not to feel angry and bitter that, even after so much time alone while I was alive, I was facing a second end solo, again. I tried to control the anger, but it was impossible. The quasi-sunset around me fluxed and swelled with deep sangria and maroon reds, all of the paler colours washing away in the storm of negative emotions that burst forth. I was so angry that I began to shake. I tried to relax, to just let it all go, but it seemed like the harder I tried to relax, the worse the shaking became. On top of everything else, my head started to hurt. Go me; I couldn't even find peace in dying. I could see my headstone now: "Here lies Bella Swan. She can even fuck up death."

I was a disaster - a crying, shaking, sweating, tense snafu with a headache, and the pain seemed to be spreading. It only took minutes before I ached from head to toe; every part of my body was betraying me, and I understood implicitly that there was nothing I could count on. I began to wish for my second death. If I had somehow screwed up dying the first time, I promised the powers that be that I would give it my all the second time through, but something told me it wouldn't be as easy as just wishing for it.

The discomfort worsened quickly, and before long, a fiery pain consumed me. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt, and worse than anything I'd ever imagined. It was like my anger had ignited, and I suffered its malice. My throat felt as if I'd swallowed a desert, and my body like it was dry and ashy, despite my copious perspiration. The moment the droplets formed, they evaporated in the fieriness. The heat permeated every part of me. My arms and legs felt heavy and useless, oppressively restrained by the fire that radiated from the core of my body. I was sure flames must have been shooting through my fingertips, and I imagined that I could light a cigarette with my fingers; a silly picture, but it gave me something to focus on that wasn't about pain. I was in agony.

I foolishly thought it couldn't get worse, that each moment I'd hit bottom, but I continued to fall further into the pain. I wished for insanity, so that I wouldn't be able to comprehend what was happening to me. I didn't understand why I was hanging on, or what I'd done in my life that made me deserve such torture. I was no angel, but I wasn't evil. The searing pain I was lost in was wicked and sinful, malignant in its attack, virulent in its destruction.

Eventually, there was no anger left in me, nothing of any substance remained to feed the flames, but still they continued to burn in me. The fire left me feeling bound and helpless, and I didn't have the strength to fight to control myself when the convulsions started. They took over. I hoped it was the beginning of a very quick end, but I was completely wrong. It was the beginning of everything.

The hardness that was pressed against me disappeared, and softness replaced it. I groaned in relief. I wasn't even aware of the durity of my surroundings until the softness reminded me that something else existed besides suffering and spitefulness. I heard Edward's voice again, loud and clear enough to concentrate on through the pain. He told me he loved me, and that he was right beside me if I needed him. It was like the life preserver that I was sure would never come. I groaned again, mostly in encouragement, because a small part of me, the same part that was questioning my sanity, was wishing that Edward were real. After all, I was on fire and hearing voices. It was entirely possible that I was imagining his words, but they were the first ones the voice had uttered that made any sense to me. Besides, whether he was real or make-believe, I needed his help to get through the hell I was in.

Somehow, in the middle of the vicious pain, I felt comfort. It wasn't logical, but I held on to it with every bit of strength I had left. My mind continued to play tricks on me, making it feel like Edward's body was beside mine. I waited in breathless anticipation for the end of each spasm; revelling in the whispers that always came, full of peaceful wishes. He even told me I could scream if I needed to. I didn't even question it; he always knew what I needed. When I could feel him stroking my hair, I knew that my sanity was gone. It was for the best. The memory of Edward was bringing me the calm I needed. He was my hero.

Eventually, the seizure-like convulsions stopped. I wanted to sit up so I could pull my legs into my body and hold myself together, but I just couldn't find the strength. Rolling into a ball was the easiest and next closest thing. I imagined Edward curling his body around mine, and then his arms wrapping around me. It was so real that I relaxed into him, and he seemed to accept my weight joyfully. He told me it was almost over and that I was doing really well. It was like music to my ears. I would be dead soon. Hopefully, this time, it was for good.

His voice was velvety and soothing, and I listened intently to the story he told. It was strangely de facto. I again began to wish that he was real, and pondered how an imagined voice could be so well informed. He knew about the blackness that came for me, but he explained it as a pulmonary embolism, heart failure and a coma. For the first time since I'd heard him speak, I realized the voice had more emotion in it than ever before, like the voice knew Edward's pain intimately. The gentle caress of his body next to mine was lost in rigid anxiety. I hadn't been aware enough to process the differences in my imagined saviour before now, but his reactions were too authentic, even for my imagination. I was either completely insane, or he might actually be real.

I tested my theory, doing my best to press myself into him. He willingly accepted my body against his, but it proved nothing concretely. I listened even more carefully to his story as he detailed a specialist, and my decreasing brain function, and a conversation with Charlie about saving me. When he spoke about our connection and referred to it as a magical forever kind of love, I knew he'd read my letter. It was the only place I'd ever used those words, but it still could have been my subconscious playing tricks. He mentioned saving me from death and referred to a new life, only he hadn't saved me from death, or I thought he hadn't. I remembered the blackness, but he told me the blackness wasn't death. He told me that I was like him now - that I was a vampire - and that was when I knew my mind wasn't just messing with me. What Edward was didn't matter to me in the slightest, and I would never have used the label "vampire" when speaking to him. It was Edward who had a problem with his nature, and only Edward would still be concerned with how I felt about it, because he was ashamed of what he was. At that moment, everything just fell away, and the truth that had been there all along snapped into place. I wasn't dying, and Edward was real - not imagined but _really there_, wrapped lovingly around me while I migrated away from death, towards the future I desperately wanted with him.

I wished I had control over my muscles because I wanted to jump for joy or hug Edward with my whole body, but I couldn't move. Instead, I let the relief and joy refocus me, and listened attentively to the details of my new life - the changes in me, as well as the things that would never change. Even the notion of completely abandoning my human life couldn't faze me. I had Edward, and Charlie as well. Somehow Edward managed to give me the only other person I couldn't live without. Only Edward would think to include him, and only Charlie would love me enough to trust Edward with my life.

Edward took full responsibility for the decision to change me, a decision I knew he didn't take lightly. Every memory I had of him trying to tell me that he was a vampire was shrouded in shame and disgust. The apologies I'd heard earlier made sense to me now. It must have been very difficult for him to get past his own feelings and accept that I would become like him, and, knowing his over protective nature, I had no doubt that he felt not only personally accountable for the pain I was in, but guilty for forcing its burden on me. He told me that his venom fixed my broken body, but I knew it was really his love that healed me.

Listening to Edward speak almost made the pain tolerable, but eventually the colours around me started to morph again, and the pain got the better of me, darkening my pretend sky past red, to dark Byzantium and eggplant purples. The light was disappearing. Soon the colours would all be gone, and I would be lost in the black again.

I screamed out, trying to resist the pain, but it did no good. It felt like my chest was going to burst, like all of the pain in my body was refocusing in my heart. I shamelessly begged Edward to make it stop. I was afraid and unsure, and a part of me wanted to believe that he could control what was happening to me, but it was only wishful thinking. I tried to concentrate on his voice as he chattered on about music around my screaming. He promised me that it was almost over, that the changes in my heart were the final stages of transformation, but I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it at all.

Everything was going black again, and I'd never been more scared. When I was lying in the hospital, death was the only option, but Edward had found a way to give me a second option, one where I had very little to lose and _everything to gain_, and I wanted that choice so vehemently that the fear of losing it was overwhelming. Even I could hear the differences in my heartbeat now. It could hardly be considered a beat with the speed and overlap of its tempo. Edward seemed unbothered by it, like it was all a normal part of the change; and I tried, unsuccessfully, to take comfort from his calm.

I retreated into myself, focusing on the changes I could register in my own body, in an effort to distract myself from the excruciating pain in my heart. I didn't feel the fire in my pinkie toes anymore. Before long, I had five toes on each foot that were under my control. I was afraid to test other parts of my body, in case the changes were random and temporary. Edward's arms were around me and his hand was on mine, and I knew if I could recognize the pressure and sensation, that I might be able to move my fingers. I curled my hand around his index finger and gently squeezed. I could sense the difference in him immediately - his body snapped to attention and he gasped. Suddenly, his voice was alive again, not lost in shame and guilt, and he encouraged me to take what I needed from him. I squeezed him again, and again my fingers pressed into his index finger. They were my fingers again, and not little blackened chicken strips like I imagined they would be after all the burning I'd endured. Then again, I hadn't opened my eyes yet. Maybe they were only burnt little stubs, but at least they worked, and well enough to remind me that Edward was right there with me.

I didn't test anything else besides my fingers, not even one toe wiggle or eye blink or lip bite. The pain became more than I could stand, so I set my mind to just lay there, engulfed in blackness, and take it in my big girl panties. I'd put Edward through enough with my screaming, and probably the convulsions come to think of it. He was probably the hard surface that I was sandwiched against, doing his best to comfort me in my impossible pain. I wouldn't put him through another moment of my suffering. I just lay there and constantly evaluated every hint of withdrawal, as the pain traipsed from the rest of my body and collected in my heart. I reminded myself again and again that it would all be worth it in the end - I would have Edward.

I knew when it was all over with because the flames were finally extinguished, and the horrible knocking in my chest that was once my heartbeat was silenced. The only thing I felt was the comforting sparkle of energy between Edward and I. It was like coming home, and I revelled in it for a moment before I spoke.

"Edward?"

His hushed greeting was wonderful, and the kiss on my ear wasn't bad either, but it was his answering laugh that told me how he was feeling. That laugh became my new definition for happiness - light and melodious and bursting with joy. I wanted him to have that degree of happiness every day of his life, and I was going to do my damndest to see that he had it.

I rolled over to face him, and the sight of him took my breath away. It was as if I'd forgotten the degree of beauty in his face, or maybe it was simply because I thought I'd never see him again, but I felt like I was seeing his face, and every element that composed it, for the first time. The roundness of each curve, the sharpness of each angle - each and every detail came together in total perfection. He stared back at me with warm, welcoming eyes. In classic Edward fashion, he only wanted to know if I was okay. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his handsome features, and although some other part of my mind was processing his question, the only thing I willingly wanted to think about was Edward.

"I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but you'll adjust quickly, and I'll be beside you every step of the way to answer your questions."

I was overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. The changes in my eyesight and hearing, in my senses in general, were huge - heightened and expanded to the point of magnification. I could hear every little noise outside. Hell, I could see perfectly, and it was completely dark in the room we were in. I had fucking night vision! None of it really mattered to me though. Edward was right there in front of me, full of love and acceptance - too good to be true, really - except he was true, and he was all mine. That's what overwhelmed me - the amazing man that was lying with me, looking more perfect than any man had a right to. He wasn't lost to me, or simply imagined. He was real, and he loved me.

I wondered if this was the clarity that Edward had always seen me with, all the minute details that were now as obvious to my eyes as his nose or mouth. His voice sounded deeper and warmer to my new ears, and somehow even more appealing. Had he always sounded this good and my old ears just didn't pick it up? I stared into his loving eyes and could read every thought in his head, more so than ever before, like there wasn't a thing he could hide from me now. Was that why he was always so good at reading me, because he could see me better with his augmented vision?

My mind was filled with a hundred thoughts at once, only it was chaotic or confusing, another side effect of being a vampire, I presumed. It felt kind of exhilarating to be using so much of my brain at once. I'd never been much of a multi-tasker, and now, all of a sudden, I could hecto-task. I wondered what other surprises this life had in store for me. Maybe, instead of being a klutz, I would have grace and poise, but I'd settle for just being less clumsy.

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but they could wait. Right now, I just wanted to let Edward know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was happy to be with him, to relieve him of his guilt and to let him know that I loved him more than anything. Just saying the words didn't seem like enough. I wanted him to know that his love had gotten me through this ordeal, that I was listening to him speak even though I couldn't respond, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life thanking him for taking care of me. I was never that great with words though, so I blurted the first thought that I knew would make him understand my sentiment.

"What's this shit about you playing the piano?" I charged, trying to pretend I was pissed off at him. I lasted about one millisecond before my smirk broke through. "You'd think you'd have mentioned that before now," I added nonchalantly, smiling happily at him.

I was rewarded with my favourite grin, which was trumped by his lips when they pressed against mine in exaltation. I pulled back to whisper, "I love you," before I let his kiss dominate me. He was all I wanted - to touch, to wrap myself around, to crawl inside of and forget the rest of the world existed.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he murmured against my mouth, pressing his lips against mine desperately. His hands came up to my cheeks, tenderly holding them while he kissed me with abandon. The sensation of his kiss was almost foreign; the pressure of his lips on mine had changed. They didn't seem hard or unyielding; in fact, they were downright supple and much more reactive to mine now. I wondered if my mouth felt different to him, too. I couldn't recall a time when his kiss had been this determined and exuberant. He wasn't holding back anything.

"Thank you," I whispered into his kiss, incapable of letting go of him. My emotions were bubbling to the surface, but something must have changed in transformation. Even though I had the urge to cry, and normally would have been bawling my eyes out under the strength of so much emotion, no tears would come.

He pulled his mouth away from mine and held my face still between his hands. "_Thank you_?" he whispered, his voice breaking. "You're thanking me?"

"You saved me."

"No, Bella, _you saved me_."

"Okay, we saved each other. Now kiss me," I commanded, pushing my lips at his.

His mouth was softer this time, less desperate, more awe-filled. His tender lips were patient and thorough, enjoying every moment of the kiss, just like mine were.

He pulled back from me again, mumbling more apologies. "I'm sorry. I'm being very rude. You must be...well...your throat must be very dry. You probably need to...feed."

I placed my hands on top of his, which still rested on my cheeks, hoping to calm him. "You don't have to be worried or ashamed to tell me what's going on with me, Edward. It's part of both of us now."

"That's it? You've just accepted it?" he asked, astonished.

"I'm sure I'll have questions, but I'm also pretty sure that there isn't shit I can do to change it."

"But, Bella..." I didn't let him finish his thought. I wasn't letting him heap more blame on himself.

"There is no other thing I want in this world than to be with you."

A small smile came to his lips, but it was quickly replaced by a scowl.

"But how can you just accept something so odious?" he whispered

"Because it's not, now stop fucking worrying," I directed him, purposely using the words I'd always used with him when he was worried about controlling too many things. He snickered and smiled at me. "The buts don't matter, Edward. We'll figure it out."

"Many of us bring our strongest trait from our human life with us, and it becomes something more in our immortality. I think you must have brought your goodness."

"See, now there is where you're wrong. Go find me Mike Newton, and you'll see every bit of goodness in me fly out the window," I snarked.

"I said goodness, not saintliness," he corrected, laughing lightly. "We should focus on feeding you, I think."

"Are you going to keep bothering me if I don't feed?" I wondered.

"Yes," he acknowledged, grinning from ear to ear.

"Even in my supernatural life you're going to be a pain in the ass, eh?"

"A _forever_ pain in the ass," he corrected with a smirk.

"Fine, take me," I allowed.

He grabbed my hand excitedly and began to pull me from the bed.

"Hey, hold up a minute. I'm not wearing pants." I looked down and realized that he'd put me in his shirt. It was then, for the first time, that I noticed he was standing bare-chested in front of me. He'd not only put me in his shirt, but he'd given me the shirt off his back. "Your shirt," I whispered, looking up at him.

"The hospital gown you were in was dreadful."

"Dreadful?" I questioned, trying to hold back my grin by biting my lip. "Since when did you become the end all be all of fashion statements?"

His eyes dropped away from mine and, for a moment, I worried that I'd upset him. It wasn't until he spoke that I understood it wasn't my words but vulnerability that made him look away. It was oddly significant that we could still be caught up in simple emotions. There were so many things still left unsaid between us, so many things that we both needed to hear.

"I thought you would prefer to be in my shirt, and, truthfully, I wanted you in it. I hoped in some tiny, insignificant way, that it might bring you comfort."

I was at a loss for words. How could he be so sweet and loving, and, at the same time, think that I would be angry with him for his choices? It was too easy to lose sight of the fact that Edward might have doubts about his actions because he seemed so outwardly confident. I wanted to kiss him senseless, to shatter the layers of awkwardness and insecurity, and strip away the caution and uncertainty that surrounded us, so we could just get back to being us. I needed to show Edward that we were okay, that we were better than okay, really; we were perfect. There were so many things I wanted, but it didn't escape me that my emotions seemed to be at odds with Edward's deliberate guardedness. I did my best to reel it in, and submitted myself to Edward's way of doing things. He'd been through all of this before, and I trusted him to steer me right.

"You always know what I need," I agreed, wanting to say more but resisting. Instead I just smiled at him.

"I think Alice packed you some things. Let me go check the car."

He was back in a flash with my backpack. As soon as I was dressed, I let him pull me out the door behind him, resolved to follow his lead.

*********************************************

"So that was...strange."

It wasn't exactly the word I wanted, but it was the only word that would come to me. I would have to work on sharpening my focus - I was like a distractible two year-old out there today - but it was odd how naturally the action of hunting came to me, like instinct. My body had been re-sculpted in transformation, remade to move in the same manner as Edward's - graceful and rhythmic, effortlessly flowing through the speed of the chase and the dexterity of the capture. Even the desire for blood seemed proper, as foreign as the idea was to me. My body craved it innately.

"For a first time predator, you did very well," Edward assured me.

Of course, he was blowing smoke up my ass. The shirt I wore was a lost cause - ripped and bloodied - and I was sure there were enough sticks and leaves in my hair to make kindling.

"Now who's the bad liar?" I teased, pouting and looking down at the shitastrophe I'd made myself into. "Apparently I'm not meant to wear your shirt. You keep giving them to me to wear and I keep wrecking them."

"Nonsense," he cooed supportively. "You've just had a new experience. You can't expect to go unscathed when you're learning to hunt. Perhaps you'll feel better after a shower?"

I glanced over at him, looking him over from head to toe, and rolled my eyes.

"You don't have a speck of dirt on you," I noted, ignoring his suggestion.

"I've been doing this a long time. I've learned to do it neatly."

"And I've learned how to make a fiasco out of myself."

"You never see yourself clearly. You took that cat down with very little difficulty. It was a beginner's mistake that you didn't press your lips tightly to the neck when you bit down."

"A beginner's mistake?" I goaded. "And what would you call the whack she took at me when I flinched at the blood that squirted out all over me?"

"An unlucky break."

"And the torn clothes? The would-have-been scratches from her claws?"

"One benefit of our hard skin is that the scratches will never be more than wishful thinking on behalf of your prey, and the torn clothes, well, those would be my lucky break."

"How do you figure?" I pressed.

"I can't pretend that seeing small bits of your skin hasn't been a relief of sorts."

"A relief?"

Edward had the strangest look on his face, part reluctance, part shyness, with maybe a little bit of appeasement thrown in for good measure. I could sense that he was having difficulty sharing his thoughts with me, although I wasn't sure why.

"After watching everything you've been through the past few days, well, the last week really, I've struggled with checking your body over, to make sure every last wound was healed, every broken was part fixed. I've seen your body move with my own eyes now, while you were hunting, but ever since you were wheeled into your room in the hospital, I've been in this surreal state where I can only trust what I can prove to myself is genuine. Seeing your skin, even small bits of it, reminds me that you are healed...that you're okay."

"That I'm yours again?" I added softly, suspecting he was holding back what he really wanted to say.

"Yes," he admitted quietly, his warm eyes staring back at me with a sudden intensity.

"I was always yours," I assured him, mirroring the sincerity of my voice with my eyes.

"I came so close to losing you."

The pain in his voice was unbearable, clawing through me like sharp talons, ripping my insides to shreds. I stepped towards him, caressing his cheek gently with my hand, hoping to take away at least some of his upset. He closed his eyes and nuzzled his cheek against my palm.

"You're never going to lose me," I promised, wishing there was something I could do to show him that he didn't need to worry any longer.

"You should go shower," he suggested quietly, pulling back from me and forcing a gentle smile to his lips. "I'm sure you'll feel better once you're refreshed and into some clean clothing."

I wasn't expecting Edward to push me away, and I wasn't sure how to handle it.

"Are you feeling overwhelmed?" I wondered. "I know your decision to change me must have been hard for you."

"Not at all."

His answer didn't reassure me, probably because I didn't believe it. He handed me my bag, and I couldn't help but feel like he was ushering me away. I tried to convince myself it was only my comfort that he was worried about, but I knew in my heart it was more than that. I took my bag from his hands, taking a moment to try to decipher the message in his eyes that he was trying so hard to hide from me, before I turned and wandered into the bathroom. The door clicked softly closed behind me.

I went straight for the tap, bending into the tub and adjusting the temperature before pulling the valve to start the shower's stream. For the first time since waking up in Edward's arms, I began to doubt what was happening to me. Edward didn't seem happy, and the distance between us, although only slight by most people's standards, upset me. The only thing I wanted was to wrap myself around him, and it seemed like the furthest thing from his mind. Maybe it was stupid of me to assume we could pick up right where we left off, but it was what I wanted more than anything. The bad stuff was supposed to be behind us. As I unbuttoned my shirt, I thought about what I could say to Edward that would make him understand that I needed him, without coming off as selfish or desperate. I wanted to understand what was going on in his mind, why he was holding back from me.

I slipped his shirt off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, and peeled my jeans off. I looked down at my new body. It didn't seem that different from my old one. The lines were still the same; all of my curves were exactly where I'd left them. If anything, it seemed more toned, rather a cool side effect since I didn't have to hit the gym to achieve it. My skin had always been pale, although maybe it was a shade or two paler than before, now, and it didn't feel hard to my fingers, not the way Edward's skin had once seemed, but I wasn't really sure how it would feel to Edward.

As I looked closer, I noticed a faint, almost iridescent shimmer on my skin. It was pretty in a way, but sort of creepy at the same time, like I'd had a fight with a bottle of body glitter and lost. I'd never noticed the effect on Edward's skin, but then again, my eyesight had never been this sharp before.

Maybe it was all too much for Edward? Maybe, even though the changes seemed small and insignificant to me, they were more than he could handle? Maybe he liked me better human? I pushed the thought out of my head, or tried to. Edward's feelings for me were the opposite of shallow. He loved me and I didn't doubt that, but maybe he didn't love my new packaging, or maybe he just needed a chance to get used to it. The idea that Edward just needed some time to adjust to the changes in me was easier to swallow, to believe that he wasn't outrightly rejecting me but trying to accept the differences between the old me and the new me.

I unhooked my bra and slipped out of my panties, dropping them into the pile of clothes on the floor. Everything was exactly the same as I remembered it. The girls were where I'd left them - smallish and perky like always - and everything was in order between my legs too. For as little attention as I had paid to the area prior to Edward, I couldn't see how he would object to that part of my body. The hair was in place, and, I was assuming, all parts were functioning, as they had been the last time we'd...when we...well, when I'd used them with Edward. The memory gave me butterflies - being with Edward, touching Edward, loving Edward. I didn't need much encouragement in that area, and my current line of thinking was not helping with my 'follow Edward's lead' plan.

Truthfully, I didn't understand why Edward didn't want to touch me the way I wanted to touch him. Even without knowing he was a vampire, we'd been together and loved each other. Now that everything was out in the open, and we were alike in every way, his indifference towards our physical intimacy seemed misplaced. Did the lack of secrets turn down the heat for him? Was I less appealing now that I was his forever and he knew everything there was to know about me? I was sure I was wrong, but self-reproach was a comfortable skin for me. A lot of things about me might have changed in transformation, but that fault remained with me.

I reached my hand up to the mirror and rubbed off the condensation that had collected, so I could see my reflection. Maybe the mirror could provide me with an answer to my dilemma. As my reflection appeared, I screamed, and Edward came running, bursting through the door without hesitation.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked, frantic and worried. As soon as his eyes fell on my naked body, he looked away and began to back out of the bathroom.

"Hold it right there, mister," I demanded. "Get back in here."

"But, Bella, you're not dressed."

_That was so not the point._

"Like I give a shit. What...the fuck...is this?" I demanded, pointing at the alarmingly bright red eyes that had somehow appeared in my eye sockets.

Edward stepped towards me, gathering my cheeks between his hands before he spoke.

"It's only temporary, my love," he assured me in his velvety voice.

"Why didn't you tell me? I look horrible!"

"You look beautiful," he corrected. "And it's quintessential newborn. All of the blood that once ran through your veins has been absorbed into your body, your muscles in particular, and it's feeding your strength, and your eye colour."

"This is my fault?" I retorted. "My own blood is making me look like a freak?"

"Only for a short while. Each time you feed on animal blood, the red will fade until the colour resembles that of my eyes."

"That's why you all have the same eyes," I mumbled, remembering how I couldn't explain the identical eye colour he shared with his biological and non-biological family members.

"Yes," he whispered, understanding my line of thinking.

It was no wonder Edward didn't want to touch me looking like some possessed psychopathic deviant. I was unrecognizable. The desperation I was feeling to remove the barriers between Edward and I exploded, and I pulled myself into his body unabashedly.

"Promise me," I demanded, looking up at him and not hiding my fear. "Promise me they won't stay this way."

"I promise, Bella."

I buried my face in his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist, trying to quell the fear that was rising. What if he never saw me as the same person? What if he couldn't accept the changes in me?

"I'm sorry," he murmured into my hair, dropping his lips onto my head and kissing me softly. "I should have explained your eyes to you."

"I look repulsive," I mumbled.

"Bella, don't be absurd. You could never look repulsive."

"Sorry," I apologized, muttering into his shirt. I didn't want to upset him by cutting myself down, but the colour of my eyes was shocking when I saw it reflected back at me.

I plastered my body against Edward's, no longer caring if I should be in better control. I needed to feel his love, for reassurance, because so many things about me were different now, and the way he felt about me was the one thing that _had to be the same_. I was counting on it, so instead of holding back, I took advantage of the small bits of affection he was willing to give me. I could feel him trying to pull away from me, so I just held tighter to him.

"Bella, you're hurting me," he whispered.

"Huh?" I asked, dropping my head back and staring up at him in confusion.

"Newborn vampires have peerless and unimaginable strength," he explained, sighing softly as I loosened my grasp on him.

"Sorry," I offered again, feeling embarrassed. "I keep fucking this up, don't I?"

"It's okay, Bella, and you certainly have not done anything requiring an apology. It's another thing I should have explained more fully. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"It's just that I know I'm not myself, well, not the me you fell in love with, and it's got to be pretty freaking weird to see me looking like someone that's not me."

"You're still Bella. You have the same smile, the same twinkle in your eyes. The small changes that resulted from transformation are insignificant. You have always been beautiful, and you still are."

"I'm paler, and my skin is all glittery," I noted petulantly, looking down with a pout at my iridescent skin.

"You're lovely," he insisted.

"And my skin must feel hard to you now."

"No, it doesn't. You're perfect just the way you are. I wouldn't change a thing."

I still didn't believe him. His responses didn't explain why he was holding back from me. I needed him to address at least one of the differences directly, to at least acknowledge that I was not the same, and that it bothered him.

"And apparently I packed my angry eyes."

He laughed lightly at my silly choice of words.

"We can get you contacts if they bother you that much. If you want my opinion, the contacts will bother you more than the colour. They will impair your sharp vision. Honestly, Bella, the red doesn't bother me at all."

"It's not why you don't want to be with me?" I asked thoughtlessly, forgetting my manners in an effort to feel less rejected, and selfishly condemning Edward for something that was not blameworthy. He deserved time to adjust to the new me. Everything was so new and different, even if it felt the same in my head and heart.

"Why on Earth would you think that?" he asked, staggered by my question.

Feeling embarrassed, I looked away from his eyes and snuck a peek at my reflection again. My cheeks should have been ruby red, but there was no blush on them, and I was sure it was another difference that would bother Edward. It was weird for me, too, but way less bizarre than the unfamiliar red eyes that stared back at me. They were so distracting.

"You pulled away from our kiss so soon after I woke up," I mumbled.

"It was rude to monopolize your affections without giving your thirst any consideration."

Didn't he know that I wanted to be monopolized?

"But I wasn't really thirsty...and when I tried to reassure you that you'd never lose me, you sent me away to shower."

"My feelings are irrelevant; it's you I'm worried about. It's not fair of me to dwell on what got us here. I don't want you feeling responsible for anything that's happened."

His feelings couldn't be more relevant; the very thing that I needed to understand and didn't.

"I wasn't feeling responsible. We've had some really shitty breaks, but there's no point in laying blame. It won't change anything. The important thing is that we're here, together. Unless you're saying that's not important to you?"

Apparently, low blows weren't any more beneath me in my supernatural life than they were in my human life. I knew it wasn't fair to challenge his feelings; I didn't doubt them, but I needed him to talk about them.

"Of course, it's important to me. You are the only thing that matters to me, the one thing that gives my life meaning."

"But you've been so guarded with everything you've said, and especially with what you've done. When I first woke up, you seemed so joyful, but ever since then, you've tried to hide most of your emotions from me."

"Transformation is an enormous change. You have a lot to acclimate to."

"That's bullshit, Edward. I know there have been changes in me. If you don't like the changes, I wish you'd just come out and say it."

"I love you, Bella, whether you're human or vampire. Transformation didn't change whom you are inside. You will always be the person I fell in love with, the person I will love for eternity, unwaveringly. You needn't worry about anything ever changing what I feel for you."

"Then why, even now, when I'm holding on to you so tightly that I hurt you, is your touch barely there?"

"I came running when I heard you scream. I wasn't thinking that you might have already changed out of your clothing. I'm simply trying to be a gentleman. My own desires are inconsequential relative to your needs."

"Are you the densest vampire ever created? Do you really not get what's happening here?"

"What are you implying, Bella? That I should take advantage of the situation, and force my desires on you after all of the changes you've endured? That would be completely selfish and thoughtless."

"Humph," I huffed. "I'm practically throwing myself at you, Edward, sandwiching my naked body against you, with every part that I can manage to touch you with. Doesn't that tell you something?"

"But...but you're not...supposed...to feel that."

I'd never seen him so taken aback.

"I can't help it," I whispered innocently. "It's what I feel."

"Newborn vampires are generally consumed with a single desire, the satisfaction of their thirst. Carnal urges generally take months to show up, well past a newborn's first year in most cases."

"Well, we both know I was never normal," I reminded him, laughing.

"But, Bella," he whispered, cupping my cheeks and pulling my face up so I couldn't look away from him any longer.

"You are the only thing I want," I admitted shyly. "I don't want to feed. I don't want to shower. I don't want to play games. I just want to be with you."

I looked into his eyes and waited for him to respond, maybe a second, maybe an hour, but I would have waited forever. There was so much more I could have said, and far prettier ways to say it, but there was no way to be more honest. He was the only thing I needed to survive. I watched as his gaze intensified, as his eyes melted under the implied intent of my words and then began to burn with the desire he had buried. I waited patiently to feel the spark on my skin, the one that would prove to me that Edward wanted the same thing I did, and was ready to take it.

* * *

**A/N:** I realize that wasn't the greatest place to cut the chapter, but your patience will be rewarded next chapter. I promise. This one was already lengthy, and I felt the need for a change in point of view coming on. You know you all want to hear this from Edward's POV.

Please review!


	46. Salvation

**A/N:** After 46 chapters you all know I don't own shit. Twilight et al. belongs to Stephenie Meyers. No copyright infringement is intended.

*ducks the books and crap being thrown at her* I know, I know! This update was mega overdue, but RL is kicking my arse. I move in 16 days. I'm in packing hell, and I could not get this chapter right. You don't even want to know the amount of time I spent writing and editing this chapter. I wanted you to get swept away in it, and when it's all said and done, I hope you do. I think I finally got it right :)

Are you as sick of hearing me apologize for not replying to reviews as I am of saying it? I hate not doing it. It _KILLS_ me! I have every intention of doing it, and again ask for your patience. I want you all to know **I appreciate every review**. Hearing all of your kind words and encouragement is part of what keeps me going, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave a comment.

A small announcement, do you remember back in June when the story was nominated for an immortal cookie award in the best angst "M" category? Well, I won :) SQUEE! I'm very proud and honoured. Thank you to Suzann for nominating me, and to the judges of the contest for taking the time to read and consider my story as an entry.

Okay, on to the good stuff.

**From Edward's POV**...

* * *

I watched every step she took, almost from the moment she stepped out of the cabin, mesmerized by the movement of her body. It wasn't any change that resulted from transformation that held my attention, simply reality sinking in. I had spent the better part of a week watching Bella flirt with death. Each furtherance and reaction of her body indulged my absolute desiderium to corroborate that her body was healed and that she survived unmitigated and unharmed.

I described the basic mechanics of hunting to her - the crouch, the lunge, the chase, as well as finer points of the kill – and let her take the lead, helping her acuminate her newly acquired senses. I always remained a couple of steps behind her, ready to aid her if she required assistance, but she never did. It was difficult to shake the protective instinct that had been honed in me. Even though she was no longer fragile or breakable, my mind still appraised every situation defensively, and my body readied to shield her and stave off every perceived threat. It was quite foolish actually; she was likely stronger than I was at the current juncture. All along, I had mistakenly blamed my instinct to protect her on her delicacy, when it was more a part of loving her.

Bella was critical of her mistakes when we returned to the cabin after feeding, even though I assured her that her endeavour was an impressive accomplishment, particularly for a first hunt. She dismissed me, dissecting each error and comparing it to my actions. As I tried to bolster her confidence and persuade her that she faced the challenge head on and triumphed, I was entirely distracted by the skin peeking out of the rips in her shirt. I wanted nothing more than to tear the remainder of my shirt off of her and have my way with her, even though I knew it was the last thing that was going to happen. I had no success pushing the image of her naked body out of my mind either. I'd done it to myself. Paying such meticulous attention to her body during our hunt had done little to assuage my desire to touch her. The strength of my longing for her was remarkable. Knowing she was healthy brought incredible relief, but the peace in the relief was fleeting, and my once my mind accepted her haleness and verdure, touching her prevailed my every thought.

It didn't help that Bella seemed so unflustered and accepting of every change she'd endured, like nothing of any consequence had happened to her. She was her old self, witty and sarcastic and incredibly sexy. More than that, she was loving and compassionate, concerned for me when I should have been the last thing on her mind. She was utterly astounding.

When she laid her hand on my cheek to comfort me, it was all I could do to resist her. I had to close my eyes and hold my breath to elude her charms. As always, and without knowing it, she held complete dominance over me, and it took every bit of self-control I possessed to not reach out for her. It just wasn't fair to push my desire on to her, and I knew it.

I convinced her to shower, trying to put some distance between us so I could get a hold of myself. When I heard the shower start, I breathed a sigh of relief, even though I felt none. The distance was merely physical. Every cell in my body was fixed on her in an almost desperate fashion.

I lay back on the bed, speculating over whether it should have been me to take the shower, a cold one, to refocus my mislaid salacity so I could concentrate on taking care of Bella. I was beginning to think that a cold shower was the only way I was going to rid myself of it. I was doing poorly controlling my physical reaction to Bella, and knowing she was about to be naked with only one small wooden door between us did little to help take my desire for her off my mind. I was deliberating over the idea of whether it would be indecent of me to take care of the problem in the shower myself when I heard Bella scream.

I flew to the bathroom, forcing the door open, and found Bella standing naked in the steam filled room. I could not have picked a less opportune time to break through the door, and the glorious sight before my eyes was more than I could handle. After asking Bella what was wrong, I tried to back out of the bathroom to distance myself from her, but she refused to let me go, even after I protested about her immediate lack of clothing. She had no idea what seeing her like that was doing to me. I knew it would be the farthest thing from her mind, given all she had to process, but I ached to touch her.

It was her eyes. I'd forgotten to mention the red colour, and although I explained it was only temporary, it clearly upset her. It was the first change in her that she had trouble accepting, and her upset was what I needed to pull myself together, instantly channelling my attention to where it should have been, where it was needed, Bella's emotional well-being, in spite of the way Bella pressed her body against mine.

"Promise me! Promise me they won't stay this way," she begged, staring up at me with a consuming desperation.

I didn't understand where it came from, but I knew I had to make her feel safe.

"I promise, Bella. I'm sorry. I should have explained your eyes to you."

Holding her close, I kissed her head and tried to reassure her that everything would be okay. I could tell that she was afraid, her body rigid against mine, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Her fear seemed out of proportion, but perhaps she'd been holding back; perhaps all of the changes I thought she'd so willingly been able to accept, she had not been able to accept at all.

The longer I held her, the further she pushed her naked body against me, and I was losing the fight to stay focused on Bella's needs. I felt like a child with attention deficit disorder, unable to keep my attention where it was required, and away from the distractions that taunted me. Before long, there was no space between us at all. Bella's arms were wound so tightly around my body that it hurt, and her apologies made me feel no better than a hypocrite. The fear she was feeling was my fault, and it was my responsibility to make her feel invulnerable, yet all I seemed to be able to accomplish was filling my head with imagined scenarios of all of the ways I wanted to pleasure her.

The conversation turned towards how she looked, another topic that did nothing but vitiate my self-control. From her long silky hair to her slender legs, she was consummate perfection to my eyes. I could feel her bare skin under my fingertips, so soft and smooth and inviting, and I warred with my longing to touch it. It just wasn't fair to act on my urges. Bella needed my understanding and reassurance, not my physical touch.

I did my best to convince her that she was perfect the way she was, regardless of the changes, and it was true, even if she didn't seem to believe it. I was staggered by her next question.

"It's not why you don't want to be with me?" she mumbled into my chest, purposely avoiding my eyes.

I blinked hard, shocked by her words. She was never one to see herself clearly, but her words were unduly harsh, even for Bella – to think that my feelings would change simply because of a small change in her eye colour or skin.

"Why on Earth would you think that?" I contested, searching her face for the deeper meaning in her words.

She wouldn't meet my eyes, her attention fixed on the reflection in the mirror as she studied her red eyes. With a scowl, her gaze fell to the ground.

"You pulled away from our kiss so soon after I woke up," she fretted quietly.

"It was rude to monopolize your affections without giving your thirst any consideration."

I had wanted to kiss her more, to keep kissing her for hours, but I remembered all too well the overwhelming post-transformation scorching in my throat, and the consuming craving for blood. I certainly didn't want to stand in the way of Bella getting what she wanted, nor did I want her to suffer the pain of her thirst.

"But I wasn't really thirsty," she protested, pausing to choose her words carefully. "And when I tried to reassure you that you'd never lose me, you sent me away to shower."

I couldn't admit why I'd coaxed her into showering, at least not without putting the pressure on my desires on to her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. She had enough to deal with. Instead, I tried to shift the conversation away from my actions and towards my wishes for her.

"My feelings are irrelevant; it's you I'm worried about. It's not fair of me to dwell on what got us here. I don't want you feeling responsible for anything that's happened."

"I wasn't feeling responsible," she insisted in a glum whine. "We've had some really shitty breaks, but there's no point in laying blame. It won't change anything. The important thing is that we're here, together. Unless you're saying that's not important to you?"

Her accusation boggled my mind. I knew she understood implicitly that she was important to me, and that I would not have put her through transformation on a whim, only to save the one person I couldn't live without. I decided to echo her sentiments. Perhaps she was still looking for reassurance, in an indirect way.

"Of course it's important to me. You are the only thing that matters to me, the one thing that gives my life meaning."

"But you've been so guarded with everything you've said, and especially with what you've done. When I first woke up, you seemed so joyful, but ever since then, you've tried to hide most of your emotions from me."

I had been guarded; I couldn't deny it, but not because I was trying to hide my emotions from her. I was trying to mask my lust. My desires were not only selfish but also grossly misplaced; she had enough to acclimate to, but when I tried to explain that she seemed to get angry with me. How could she be affronted by my behaviour? I was trying to be a gentleman, trying to be respectful of the immense burden that was forced on to her. I'd complimented her on every change she worried over. Could she really think I was being untruthful, or was there more to what she was saying? When she accused me of holding back, I couldn't deny it, so finally, I explained that my own desires were impertinent and extraneous to the situation, but still she continued to press the topic, and what she admitted stupefied me.

"Humph," she whimpered in frustration. "I'm practically throwing myself at you, Edward, sandwiching my naked body against you, with every part that I can manage to touch you with. Doesn't that tell you something?"

"But…but you're not…supposed…to feel that," I sputtered, stunned. Her words resonated in my ears and echoed into my head but bounced off my brain when I tried to process them. It was as if I'd gone catatonic, my brain and body both paralyzed by her declaration. The only thing I felt in my mental stupor was denial and confusion.

"I can't help it," she murmured softly. "It's what I feel."

There was no mistaking the honesty and sincerity in her tone, but I still couldn't believe my ears. The idea was nihilistic.

"Newborn vampires are generally consumed with a single desire - the satisfaction of their thirst. Carnal urges generally take months to show up, well past a newborn's first year in most cases."

I was sure my shock showed on my face and registered in my voice. I wasn't in control of my emotions, and even if I were, I don't think I would have been able to hide my disbelief.

"Well, we both know I was never normal," she teased, a light tinkling laugh following her statement.

While it was true that Bella never behaved as expected, the notion of her being that different from every other newborn that I'd heard mention of was almost derisory. What she claimed to be feeling seemed too abstract, even for Bella, and I was having great difficulty subsuming her yearning into her newly inherited vampirism. I took her tiny cheeks between my hands and caressed them, as if willing her skin to change it's expression and reveal a truth that I could comprehend, one that matched the doctrine that I knew to be true.

I studied her features carefully. All traces of anger were gone from her face. She was not fearful or upset. She was simply my beautiful Bella, staring up at me with honesty and longing. My ability to resist her was waning with each moment.

"But, Bella," I murmured, a final effort to dispute what she lay at my feet.

"You are the only thing I want," she cooed demurely, each syllable shattering the remaining fragments of my holdback and disbelief. "I don't want to feed. I don't want to shower. I don't want to play games. I just want to be with you."

I stared back at her face, fixed on her eyes, and let what she was offering sink in. The look in her eyes, alone, was enough to persuade me. Beyond certitude and trust, she had the sultriest come hither look I'd ever seen her exhibit. She was irresistible, but then again, I didn't really want to resist.

I wanted her to see what she did to me, reflected back by my eyes, so she would know, unquestionably, that she was _exactly_ what I wanted, just as she was. I hesitated for a moment, letting my hands burn with the yearning to touch her, until I could see that she understood how reverent and grateful I was to her for the sacrifices she had made to be there with me in that moment, so she would know she was my reason for living.

Bending towards her slowly, I took the time to savour the spate of desire that ricocheted between us, swirling and crashing, and then brimming and cascading - an unbridled and errant rush of emotions and passion - because I knew there was no reason to make haste. I had nothing left to fear. I didn't have to be afraid that I would never kiss her again, that I would ever physically hurt her, or lose her, or have to live without her. She was mine, for eternity, and I could take delight in every moment as it happened.

I braced myself for the surge of energy that would pass between us, and let my lips brush hers lightly. The sensation rippled through me, overtaking my senses in the most pleasurable way. Bella impatiently pulled my face towards hers and kissed me, holding my cheeks between her hands while her tiny fingertips tickled my skin. She was as gentle as a kitten in the way she held me; her lips were anything but. Bella never believed in holding back, and she projected every ounce of her desire in her kiss, giving all of her love to me and asking nothing in return.

I dropped my hands from her cheeks and gathered her into my arms, flattening my hands against her lower back and luxuriating in the throbbing undulation of our energy on my palms. I was delighted that our electricity was no lost in transformation. I was grateful even. I was grateful for a good many things, truthfully, not the least of which was the delightful creature in my arms, but also for her love and her goodness and her ability to accept the impossible. It finally dawned on me, in that moment, that because of that acceptance, I no longer had to hold back on anything. Her blood didn't tempt me. She was no longer in danger from me. Not only was she no longer breakable, she was virtually indestructible. My mind exploded with prior imagined scenarios, and I pulled her body into mine joyfully. I didn't know if it was the relief or the excitement, but I knew that I was going to enjoy every moment of touching her, like I'd never allowed myself to enjoy it before.

Her lips pressed against mine with urgency. They were insatiable; greedy and intense in a way that I not only understood but mirrored. I suppose it was the same for her as me; that the remnants of what we almost lost lingered in her mind - the fear that she'd never see me again, sickened by the notion of living without the vibrancy and potency of our connection, to never know this love again. That was how I felt, and that was what drove me to kiss her with such earnestness and avidity. My kiss said everything that I couldn't, that I didn't want to hold back, that I couldn't get enough of her, that she was everything to me.

Bella pulled her body away from mine just enough to slide her hands between us. Her tiny fingers were at my waistband in an instant, and I couldn't help but smile at her. Her kiss never lost its focus; her lips and tongue in tandem with mine, not missing a single beat. She would not have been capable of that sort of concentration in her human life, where her focus was exclusive. I could almost sense the expansion of her awareness, her instincts processing every facet of her environment and her body reacting to it without thought, all while her mind worked on a multitude of ponderings. She was easing into her new life so effortlessly it was almost unbelievable.

My fly was opened in mere moments, her fingers nimbly coaxing the buttons undone without difficulty.

"Bella," I murmured, trying to resist the urge to give in, trying to fight the emotion I was being swept away in. "We don't need to rush."

It was as if I'd never spoken. She didn't slow her actions. She didn't even acknowledge my words. Her hands pushed aside the denim fabric of my jeans, pressing into my body until she disinterred both of my hipbones. I couldn't pretend I didn't enjoy her touch, but I still wanted her to slow down.

"We have forever," I whispered.

"Argyle, Edward? Really?" she teased, ignoring my suggestion and yanking the sweater from my torso like she was insulted by it. Her lips came back at mine with even more verve.

Her tiny fingers hastened to the placket of my shirt. She didn't even hesitate long enough to consider unbuttoning it, simply grasped the edges of the fabric and ripped it open. The small white buttons flew everywhere. I probably should have been a little insulted, or at the very least taken aback, but I was neither. I was nothing but turned on.

Her fingers skimmed over the skin of my arms as she coerced the shirt from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Between the pressure of her lips against mine, and her barely there touch on my skin, she had complete control of the situation. I wasn't sure if she was being stubborn, or merely lacking the control to moderate her actions, only that I needed to change the prepotency of the situation.

I encircled her waist with my arms, pulling her weight into me and lifting her off the ground. My hands held her arms snugly against her body, intentionally confining them to keep her from removing anymore of my clothing. She squirmed against me, trying to wiggle her arms out of my grasp. It was endearing, even if the way she moved against my aroused body was capable of demolishing the scant and entirely inadequate amount of control I held.

"Edward, put me down," she whined, pulling back from my kiss with a pout. Had it been genuine, the pout would have deliquesced my resolve, but her manipulation was transparent. She wanted what she wanted, and would use all of her devices to get it. As much as she wanted to rush this, I wanted us to take our time. I wanted to shower her with all of the adoration and worship she deserved, to show her just how much she meant to me. While her physical and emotional strength likely exceeded mine, her will did not.

"All in good time," I cooed, burying my lips in her neck and kissing it persuasively. Her body still struggled against mine, but her head dropped back to expose more of her beautiful neck to me, and a tiny moan left her lips, half complaint, half gratification. My mouth meandered her skin, unconsciously gravitating towards the spot where I'd bitten her. The tiny mark generated by my teeth was gone, but I kissed the area lovingly nevertheless, in an effort to reassure myself that she'd forgiven me. Knowing was one thing, but forgiving myself was wholly another.

Not to be outdone, Bella wrapped her legs around my waist and used her tiny feet to force my jeans down further, trying to distract me by sucking on my lip amorously while she executed her plan. Her diversion did not work. I was wholly focused on the way her toes hooked the edge of the denim and dragged it down my body, caressing and exciting my bare skin as she moved. Somehow, she always managed to find a way to get what she wanted out of me, usually by delivering it in a way that made it impossible to resist her.

"No one could ever accuse you of being unenthusiastic," I purred softly against her ear.

Bella shifted against me, proficiently working my jeans down far enough that they fell to my ankles. She repeated the gesture with my boxers, moiling diligently to accomplish her task as elastic band resisted her efforts, all while continuing to kiss me. It was an impressive maneuver, really, even if it humbled my efforts to thwart her. I had to admit that I felt complete when she was this close to me, and I was almost disappointed when she released her hold on my waist, at least until I felt her slender legs slide down my bare thighs, creating the most exquisite friction along my body as she moved.

I relinquished my hold on her arms, conceding that I'd lost the battle, but not the war. Her tiny hands smoothed over my chest, eventually tangling into the hair at the sides of my head.

"Never unenthusiastic," she agreed, taking my bottom lip into her mouth and raking her teeth thoroughly along my flesh.

I lowered Bella's body to the bathroom floor, and loosened my grip on her waist. She whimpered her complaint into our kiss.

"Never let me go," she pleaded, hitching her right leg up on my hip and pressing against me.

The desperation in her voice was almost overwhelming, and my mind drifted back to the goodbye kiss we shared a mere three days ago, when I had felt the same suffocating desperation, fearing that I might lose her if she didn't make it through transformation. I connected to the brokenness of that last kiss again - the fear, the sadness, the longing to put things back to what they were before everything between us became so urgently final – and I could feel something inside me begin to shift. I didn't understand what, exactly, only that I was beholden to Bella for the opportunity to set things right between us.

"Never," I echoed, letting my words ghost against her mouth, needing the touch of her sweet lips against mine to feel whole.

There was no space between our bodies, and I knew she could feel how aroused I was, but I didn't want to try to hide it. The man that would have once found it inappropriate or forward was nowhere to be found, no longer a part of me. Maybe it was longing, or perhaps the desire to be honest with Bella about everything now that I had nothing to hide. I only knew that it felt right.

I moved my hand to cup Bella's knee, planning to hold it to my hip, but Bella was faster than I was. She pulled away from my reach and knelt, ridding me of the clothing at my ankles, and then slithered back up on to her feet, smirking at me.

"Wouldn't want you to trip," she snarked, biting her lip while she held my gaze.

I grabbed her wrist and yanked her to me, relishing in the impact of our bodies as they met. She understood; I heard her sigh in relief, too.

"I don't have to be quite as careful with you now," I vindicated, pulling her face up towards mine and showing her what I meant with my kiss, smothering her lips with my own before plunging my tongue deeply into her mouth.

"I never asked you to be careful," she whispered mischievously, dropping her head back and inviting my lips to her neck.

"You," I murmured, kissing her shoulder. "Were too," I continued in a soft voice, tracing her collarbone with my tongue. "Breakable," I finished, blowing out a breath against her ear.

I watched solicitously for her reaction, holding my breath in anxious anticipation, longing desperately for it to be canonical. I needed to prove to myself that we had survived all of the changes untouched, to prove that my effect on her wasn't situational, or a novelty of our relationship, or even some strange vampire human synergy.

To my great delight, she shivered, and it solidified the reality that we had persevered intact. What we brought in each other was still there, as it had always been. It was my power over her, and hers over me. It was love exchanged - given freely, without expectation of return, but returned tenfold. And its return wasn't a choice; it was a need, a part of me. I couldn't be complete without it, nor could she.

She pushed her chin against mine, using it to tilt my head back, and then ran her tongue along my jawbone, stopping every so often to suck or bite my skin. Her hands tensed in my hair, pulling it a small amount as she worked, enjoying her efforts as much as I was.

"Yeah, but what a way to go," she teased.

"Please don't joke about that," I beseeched, pulling back from her so I could look at her while I explained the deeper meaning in my request.

Even though her countenance was serious, her eyes were softened in concern.

"You don't know what it would have done to me if I'd hurt you…if I had killed you accidentally. It…it was always a possibility; I was so much stronger than you. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for putting you in danger that way. Even when I bit you to change you, there was a chance that you wouldn't make it, and your death would have been on my hands. It was an impossible choice to make – to risk killing you so you wouldn't die."

"Edward, you have to forgive yourself," she insisted quietly. "You made the right choice."

She pressed her lips against mine again; sealing her admission with a conviction so strong only she was capable of it.

"I'm trying," I promised, and I was trying. I wanted what she wanted, to put all of the negativity behind us and live every moment in love and happiness. For some reason though, I still hadn't been able to forgive myself for what I had done, even though I felt there was no other option. I think it was because I knew the truth behind my choice, and the reality of it was that it was selfish, based on the acknowledgment that I could not live without her, and on the hope that she felt the same.

"Don't try. Just believe."

There was nothing but certainty in her eyes and I yearned to reflect that same certainty back at her. It shouldn't have been a difficult thing to believe that my choice was the right one. I wanted nothing more than to believe her, to just let go of all of the pain and self-doubt and revel in the freedom of our love, but something was still holding me back.

"Just have faith, Edward," she whispered.

Faith, something that seemed so innate and simple just a week ago, felt like a foreign concept now. It was easy to have faith in Bella, and in our love, but granting myself that same acceptance and conviction seemed impossible. I still felt undeserving of it.

As if she could sense my self-loathing, Bella reached up to caress my cheek, staring into my eyes with a gentle astuteness. She understood me better than I understood myself, and she knew exactly what I needed, even when I didn't.

She pushed up on to her tiptoes, moving her tiny hands to cup the back of my neck, and the sensation overwhelmed me so fully that it left me feeling physically weak and unsteady. I had craved the feeling of her holding on to my neck for so many days, so afraid I would never feel it again, so sure I would never be worthy of it or deserve it after what I'd done.

"Edward," she murmured, her voice as quiet as a gentle breeze. "It's what I would have chosen myself if I could have, if I had known it was an option."

Those few simple words that passed from her lips dissolved my doubts instantly. She wasn't one to say something simply to placate someone. She always spoke the truth, and this truth was like a salvation for me, releasing me from the bonds of doubt and corradiating everything in my world into a single entity, Bella.

I was overcome, consumed by desperation to convey my love for her forthwith. I didn't want to waste even another moment of time. My hands came to her cheeks and I kissed her forcefully, my actions surprising her and throwing her off balance. I just went with the motion. I couldn't allow any space to come between us. I wouldn't allow anything to ever come between us again.

We shuffled backwards until we thudded softly against the edge of the tub, but I wasn't satisfied with our position. It wasn't enough. I wouldn't be sated until I could feel her pressed against me. I kissed her madly, grabbing her leg and pulling it towards my hip, urging her body closer with my other hand. Bella arched her back and tucked herself into my chest, needing the contact too. It still wasn't enough. I needed more of her, and didn't hesitate to take it, grasping the back of Bella's upper thighs and scooping her into my arms. With her weight against my chest, I stepped us into the tub.

The hot water hit our bodies but I barely noticed it. I couldn't focus fully until I sandwiched Bella against the tiles of the shower wall, crushing her breasts against my chest and pressing her legs open with my hips. Bella moaned softly, dropping her mouth to my neck to tease my skin with kisses. I was already panting, the friction of her body against mine the only antidote for my desire.

Something was happening deep inside of me; something gripping and powerful, and I could feel it taking hold. I searched for the words to explain the chaos of thoughts and feelings inside of me, but there were none that spoke my heart. The only eloquence I possessed was in my touch, so I used it, and hoped it said what my words couldn't.

I left one hand under Bella's thighs to support her body and let my other hand wander. Our skin was slick from the spray of the shower and my fingers trailed down the side of her body easily, caressing the edge of her breast, following the dip of her waist and the swell of her hip. When I hit her most sensitive spots, she arched her back towards me, rubbing her breasts against my chest to encourage the light pressure of my fingertips on her skin. I let my hand linger, repeating the gesture over and over, getting more and more turned on each time she pressed against me, and revelling in each tiny little whimper and moan that left her lips. Finally, I let my hands slide past her hips to grab and hold her bottom, fanning my fingers out along her forbidden flesh, and squeezed it in my palms.

Bella buried her face in my shoulder, trying to muffle the expletives that tumbled from her mouth. I squeezed her again, just to hear her uncontrolled reaction once more, and then lifted her towards me, bearing the weight of her body against my own once again. I shifted her to the other wall, directly under the stream of the shower, and she squeaked in delight as the hot water hit her shoulders and trickled down her back. She had always liked a hot shower, and now I certainly understood its appeal as well.

Bella adorned my shoulder with hot, wet kisses, slowly moving her mouth towards my neck. She halted at my collarbone, licking the tiny pool of water that had collected there, and then sucked my flesh lightly. My moan echoed off the shower walls, sounding louder than I intended it to, but I wasn't exactly striving to control myself. She must have liked my reaction, dipping her head around mine and repeating her efforts on my other side. I shamelessly squeezed her bottom when I felt the suction of her mouth on my skin this time. The shower filled with the unison of our auricular resonations.

Her lips came back to mine, her tongue seeking entrance to my mouth, which she was granted without hesitation. She pulled my face towards hers and kissed me deeply, the water spilling gently down on us, somehow increasing the intensity of our connection. I didn't think it was even possible to feel more turned on, but somehow the heat and moisture seemed to do just that.

I was still dissatisfied with our position, desperately craving the contact of our skin. I needed more physical connection to her, beyond my chest and shoulders. I needed to feel her on my hips and thighs and calves. I wanted her whole body pinned between the wall and me, so I could feel every bit of her against me. I slowly pulled my hands from underneath Bella, releasing my grip on her and letting her slide slowly down the tiles, holding her body to the wall with mine to control her movement. I wasn't sure if her squawk was in response to the splendid friction of our bodies as they worked against one another, or a complaint because I let her go, but I chuckled quietly in rejoinder.

Her kiss never faltered; her lips an ever-present enticement that I couldn't get enough of. With her feet safely on the floor of the tub again, I reached up to my neck and pulled her hands into mine, intertwining her tiny fingers with my own. Slowly, I eased her arms above her head, stretching them upwards to open her body fully to mine, and pressed my whole self against her. The contact was blissful, abating the force of my craving, but not the need I was drowning in. I wondered if she felt it too - the desperation, the hollowness, the bottomless desire for more. I needed more of her, still.

Bella whimpered softly against my lips, seemingly gratified by the position I held her in, pinned to the wall by my body, with her arms secured above her head. It was a position of trust, of authority, and of domination. I separated her hands from their pinion, spacing her arms apart while I shifted my fingers between hers longingly, trying to convey my love and desire. It wasn't domination I was in search of; it was possession. I wanted to become one with her.

As our hands slid along the tiles, I felt cool metal pass along the outside edge of my hand - a showerhead, but not where I expected to find one. It distracted me. My eyes opened and darted to examine it. It was then that I vaguely recalled Esme's insistence to renovate the bathroom, and the over the top shower head system she maintained just had to be installed, even if our cabin was 'little used.' I inwardly rejoiced in her persistence and set my thoughts in motion.

I took Bella's lip into my mouth and sucked on it, hoping to distract her from the action of my hand, and discreetly pressed the button that turned on the extra showerheads. Warm water sprayed from everywhere, from more directions than seemed possible, and Bella gasped at the contact. Her eyes popped open and searched mine briefly, before they fluttered closed and she surrendered to me, a seductive smile on her lips. I knew then that we'd never make it out of that shower without connecting intimately.

I urged her body towards the showerheads on my left, compelling her until she was right against them and the water collided wildly with her skin. Bella dropped her head back from my kiss, moaning pleasurably as the hot spray kneaded her skin. I was almost envious of the liquid and the gratification it gave her, watching as the droplets bounced and ricocheted, dancing off of her skin in disorderly patterns. I wanted to be the only thing that could give her that much satisfaction, or at least to be a part of it.

I scooped Bella's waist with one hand and palmed her breast wilfully with the other, holding it in front of the spray of the showerhead and letting the water assail her delicate nipple. Watching her reaction to the water and hearing her whimper served no useful purpose, only rendered me more desirous and impatient to touch her. I didn't last long as a spectator, lowering my mouth to her breast and taking her nipple between my lips. She gasped throatily as I manipulated her flesh, twisting it and nipping at it gently. She tasted even better than I remembered.

I pined for her response to me in a frenzied fashion, needing it as proof that I was not alone in this, that she was having the same difficulty controlling her intensity as I was. Yearning for more of her sultry reactions, I flicked my tongue over her hardened peak. It made her moan harder, and caused the involuntarily thrusting my hips towards her.

Bella's fingers tangled into my hair, tugging wildly, as I lavished her breasts with attention. With the proximity of our bodies and the way her arms curled around my head, keeping it tucked into her chest, the emotional intimacy I felt with her was extraordinary. Still, even with this incredible connection between us, I needed more from her. It felt like my whole body was throbbing, and I ached to take her.

"Bella," I rasped, softly begging for her mercy.

She spoke no response to my plea, simply hitched her leg up on my hip and silently offered herself to me. I held her leg around my waist to secure her balance, and, unable to holdback any longer, bent my knees to position myself between her legs. With a shallow thrust, I entered her, dropping my head on to her shoulder and groaning. The rapture I felt being inside of her overtook me entirely. I couldn't move; I just held tightly to her body and tried not to fall apart. There were no words that would adequately express how it felt. It was so much more than a physical connection. I was moved. I was affected. The connection to her healed and soothed me. Somehow she brought out the best in me, and the connection of our bodies made me so much more than what I was alone. It made me whole.

Bella held tightly to me as well, stilling her body and moving her hands to my shoulders, her fingers fiercely digging into my skin. She was uncharacteristically silent, and I lifted my head to look at her beautiful face, trying to gauge if she was as overwhelmed as I was. She seemed to be, but I spoke to her, just to be sure. I brought my lips close to her ear, so she'd hear me over the clatter of the shower, and murmured, "I love you."

She opened her eyes to look at me and then slowly brought her lips to mine and kissed me, a soft kiss, that spoke of her love and devotion, which quickly morphed into something more intense and wanton, making sure I understood her urgent desire for me as well. It was the perfect Bella-esque way to tell me that she loved me too.

Bella's leg tightened around me and she pulled herself towards me, tilting her hips upwards to take me deeper into her body. I gasped, unable to control my reaction to the sensation, and hugged her to my body in a desperate fashion. I was sure I'd underestimated her omnipotence. She could call things out in me that I didn't even know existed, bewitching and controlling my every action and emotion, and I was powerless to stop her, wholly lacking the will to even try.

Everything around me seemed to be in slow motion - the water from the showerheads, the gentle astern dip of Bella's head, the quiet sigh that left her lips – and I internalized each thing, savouring them in turn like I'd never appreciated anything before, letting myself feel every emotion I'd held back in the past. I was deluged by them, but not drowning. If anything, there was true freedom in it, knowing what she was capable of making me feel and what I hoped I made her feel, too.

I slid my hand further around her waist, still holding her leg to me, and began to move my hips in a slow and measured rhythm, kissing Bella with open eyes so I could watch her every reaction. She, too, was struggling with the power of our connection, breathless and anticipatory for each forward thrust. As I pressed into her, her body readied for the rush, tensing minutely before she relaxed into the pressure and sensation. I wondered where her mind was, and if she felt as swept away as I did, although I couldn't find my voice to ask her. It was entombed somewhere deep inside me, silenced by the intensity of our intimacy.

It didn't seem to matter what she did to me; everything imparted pleasure. Her giving lips pressed decadent refined kisses to my skin, her tiny fingers kneaded and pressed into me, her body shifted against mine with blessed fiery friction. Her response to me was just as rewarding, the way she dropped her head back when I tangled my fingers into her silky wet hair to encourage my fondling of it, the way she bit down on her lip when I moved inside of her, the muffled whimper when I pulled out. I wondered how I could have made love to her before and not fallen apart, how I could have possibly managed to fight successfully against her endowments and the power of our connection, and then rejoiced that I never had to battle either again.

The spray from the shower continued to rain down on us, hot and wet and pushing the limits of my sanity, heightening everything I was already influenced by. I was in control of nothing, not my emotions or intensity or my reaction to Bella, and I didn't wish to be. It was the most exhilarating thing I'd ever experienced and I yearned for the helplessness to continue, for the inability to resist Bella and what she made me feel. I wanted to remain under the power of our connection, and be unable to forsake it.

Bella's hands clutched at my neck and she pulled her body towards mine, wrapping her other leg around my waist. I eased her back against the tiles to steady her, curling my fingers around her hips for purchase to hold her in place, and thrust myself deeply inside of her. Bella's response was a combination of a growl and a squeak, low and sexy and resonating, and affected my entire being. I withdrew and pushed into her again, even deeper, just to hear her make it again.

I leaned into her body, trailing kisses from her neck towards her navel, and resumed the shallow movement of my hips. I could sense her impatience as I explored her skin, but I couldn't resist the temptation of her beauty, displayed so flawlessly in front of me. Bella tried to push her hips at me, but my hold on her prevented her from accomplishing her intended task, to take me deeper into her body again. She should have given me more credit and known that I would be prepared for her wiles, however, winning the game was payback enough. The reward was only made sweeter by the pout of her perfect pink lips, pushed out at me in perturbation. She didn't like to lose, but I intended to give her what she craved soon enough.

I kissed her pouting mouth, tracing her lips with my tongue before sucking each lip into my mouth and raking my teeth over it. It was an action I never dared allow myself before, but one I hungered for relentlessly. When Bella did it to me, it always made me come undone, but while Bella was human, that sort of loss of control was dangerous and potentially catastrophic. Having my teeth anywhere near her fragile body could have been lethal. Now that she was just like me, I allowed myself the luxury and enjoyed every second of it, as well as Bella's reaction. The significance of the act was not lost on her, and the highly erotic growl that she released assured me of that. She understood my urge and its significance, and delighted in my indulgence.

Her vocal encouragement spurred me on, and I forced my tongue into her mouth aggressively, dominating her kiss and trying to convey my still unfulfilled longing. I couldn't get enough of her, sure that the climax of our union would leave me forever wanting more of her. My hips seemed to move of their own volition; unable to resist the friction and the way her love made me feel. I pinned her upper body against the tile with mine again, grunting and pressing into her body. The more she moaned, the more I wanted to repeat my actions to hear her moan again. The beauty of her reactions was blinding.

"Edward," she murmured in quiet desperation, my name like an invitation to take us to the place we both wanted to go.

I slid my hands from Bella's hips and gripped her buttocks, rebalancing her body against my chest. I held all the control in this position, and that control made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I was worthy of possessing her. Bella's hands encircled my neck, her body pulled tightly to mine, and she surrendered her control to me. Her trust was awe-inspiring, and I promised myself that I would not stop tonight until I deserved that trust on every level.

I slowly pushed into her, using my hands to guide her hips towards my body, holding her body at the best angle for her pleasure. I knew I had it right; her body was completely relaxed and succumbed to my every manipulation, but Bella's verbal verification confirmed it for me.

"Oh, God, yes," she squealed in encouragement.

Her hands curled around my shoulders, pulling them forward to urge me to keep going. Her impatience only increased my want for her. I thrust into her again, doing my best to maximize the friction and penetration, squeezing her behind with my hands at the top of the thrust. She mirrored the pressure of my hands with hers, digging her fingers into my skin and dropping her head to my shoulder. A quiet sigh of satisfaction left her lips. It was marvellous to give her such pleasure, and it was only made better by the fact that it brought me pleasure too.

Continuing to maneuver her body with my hands, I thrust into her and pulled out of her time and time again. Every time I pulled out, I ached to connect with her again, and each time I re-entered her, I teetered closer to the point of no return. Bella raised her head and rested her cheek on mine, tangling her arms tightly together around my neck. I could hear her ragged pants and feel her breath against my ear. I knew I wouldn't let myself come undone until Bella was thoroughly satisfied, but with each thrust that bargain became a greater challenge.

I shifted Bella into the center of the shower's spray, so the shower would cover her in hot steamy water, and pushed myself into her again. She responded verbally with every forward movement now, although her answers were no longer understandable. Her words had deteriorated into broken syllables and noises.

I pinned her upper body to the tiles with my mine, craving the pressure of her form against me, yearning for the friction of our wet skin as we moved together and came apart, and using the hardness of the surface to hold her still against to secure it, just needing more of her in every way I could possibly glean. I could feel her nipples, peaked and hard against my skin, revelling in the delicious resistance they created as I dragged her body across my chest with each thrust. Bella just held tightly to me, and encouraged me with her tiny mews and whimpers.

It was becoming harder to stave off the end, partly because I desired it so strongly and partly because of Bella herself. Her very essence barraged my senses. I could smell her, taste her on my tongue, her moans filled my ears; she was everywhere I looked and touched. What I wanted more than anything was to just get lost in her, to drown in everything she had to offer and never come up for air again. The only thing that kept me from resisting was my desire to get lost in each other, together. I listened carefully to her responses, trying to gauge how close she was, because my hope that she would come right out and tell me was dwindling.

I was moving ever closer to coming apart. I couldn't fully withdraw from her body any longer; the sensation was too acute and I risked loosing control before Bella was ready to climax if I did. Instead, I increased my pace and kept my thrusts shallow, hoping the friction would urge Bella on. It helped to decrease my endeavour, but things were beginning to pile up on me. The closeness of our bodies, the intimacy of our connection, the urgency, the desperation - the onslaught of everything was intensifying my struggle.

"Bella," I moaned, straining against our movement, begging for her to respond. I needed to hear her voice to distract me.

"Edward, I can't…" Her voice trailed off, her hands reaching for my forearms and gripping them tightly.

"I don't know how much more of you I can take," I admitted in a breathless rasp.

"Don't stop," she beseeched.

I had no intention of stopping, but hearing her request further weakened my resistance. My hands gripped the flesh of her derriere roughly as I worked to withstand what my body craved and give her what she needed. I focused my attention on her fingers, noting the ever-increasing tension in them, and hoped they reflected a state of almost attained climax. I pushed my hips against hers, pinning her bottom flat against the tiles. The hard surface made the sensations even more gratifying, and I thrust myself deeply into her, enjoying the way her pubic bone pressed into me.

"You're going to make me come," she whispered.

Her words represented the last of what I could countervail. My climax took over in a fraction of a second; I didn't even have time to warn her.

"Bella," I grunted, pushing my body against hers and grasping desperately at her. "Bella."

I heard her sharp intake of breath and felt her fingers dig into my brachia, and innately knew she was beginning her orgasm. I let the waves of pleasure created by the connection of our bodies crash over me, thrusting once more as I felt her body contract around me.

"Fuck," she moaned, her head dropping forward onto my shoulder as her body began to tense against mine. Her legs tightened around my waist and she pushed her hips at mine, indulging in the friction one last time to sweeten her climax.

At the same time, the world around me exploded. The strength of my orgasm was shattering, formed of pure fire or light - commanding and brilliant and encompassing. The sensations radiated from the core of my body, and overtook every part of me. I let go into it, unable and unwilling to fight or resist it. I just held tightly to Bella, as she did to me, and let it barrage me. I truly didn't care if I ever recovered from it.

The exchange of our union was unparalleled, more intense and more intimate than anything I had even imagined. I hoped she felt the same metaphysical weightlessness that I did. I wasn't ready to open my eyes or break our physical connection. I never wanted it to end; I wanted to stay lost in Bella forever, drowning in perpetual love and devotion. She would always be everything I would ever need.

Slowly, the sensations dwindled, and my body relaxed into a state of pure bliss. Bella's legs slowly slid down my body, changing her balance and causing her to shift in my arms. I was already mournful of the loss of the closeness of our bodies. I had been so caught up in her that I had forgotten everything else around me, including the water. It continued to rain gently down on us. It was comforting and soothing, like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket, and made letting go of what we'd just experienced a little more tolerable.

I fully emerged from the aftereffects of my climax to Bella's lips on mine, soft and reverent, sensual and giving, a thank you of sorts for the experience we'd just shared.

"Sorry," she offered in a quiet whisper against my lips. "I didn't mean to rush you. I couldn't help myself." There was no regret or disrespect in her voice, just honesty and forthrightness.

"I understand," I assured her. Probably better than she could imagine.

"Do you?" she questioned. I could hear the disbelief in her tone.

"I thought I was being selfish for wanting to be with you like this after you'd already endured such enormous changes in transformation. I didn't dream you'd be yearning for it too." An understanding smile lit her gentle face. "It was overwhelming to realize that we were free to love one another, that there were no longer any physical, emotional or psychological holdbacks between us. I've never known a truer freedom. I wanted to take things slowly, to shower you in adoration and prove my devotion to you."

"But you don't have to prove anything to me," she protested. "You know that, right?"

"I do," I assured her, pausing for a moment to collect my thoughts. "I was so entirely overwhelmed by my desire to convey my love to you that I was swept away in the urgency between us. I thought my gratefulness to you was the driving force behind the urgency, a requital for your forgiveness and goodness, and for all of the burdens that you accepted so selflessly, even though they were forced on to you without your permission, but it wasn't that."

"Well what was it then?" she asked timidly.

"In the middle of loving you, I began to comprehend that it is just the nature of the bond between us. We both understand that what we have is special and rare, and have an even truer appreciation of the other because we came so close to losing one another. Because of that appreciation, our eternity will be defined by the knowledge of what life would be like without the other. Even though we literally have forever, every time we give our love to one another, it will be given with the emotion and urgency of a final gift. We will always love like we're living in our last few moments together."

"That's a beautiful way to put it. I would have just said we were horny," she teased.

I smirked at her intentional stab at my revelation, knowing it was taken only because the idea hit a little too close to home. I couldn't hold it against her. After everything she'd been through in the last week, I was not about to force more emotion on her.

"Or that," I agreed, laughing with her. I urged her head towards mine and kissed the top of it softly. "We should get you dried off and warmed up before you freeze to death," I suggested.

"Is it cold?" she wondered. "I didn't notice."

"The water is warm enough I suppose, but much closer to tepid compared with the normally sweltering temperature of your showers," I teased.

"I don't need the heat now that I'm not sleeping with an iceberg," she snarked.

"Or perhaps because you've become one too," I suggested playfully.

"Hey, you owe me one uninterrupted cuddle session!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"I do, do I?"

"Yes, one where you don't try to separate us by blankets or make me get dressed," she informed me.

"And would you like that right now?" I wondered.

"Yes, please."

I bent towards her and slid my hand around the back of Bella's legs, scooping her into my arms. It was our perennial, familiar position, but it still brought me great joy to feel her hands slip around my neck and hold on. She kicked at the tap decidedly, pushing the knob to shut off the shower, and grinned at me. I think she liked being in my arms as much as I liked having her there.

"Are there other rules?" I inquired as I carried her to the bed.

"Rules?" she asked.

"Things I am or am not allowed to do to you while we lie in bed together."

"Well that's a loaded question if I've ever heard one," she joked.

I should have known how she would take my thought, given the mood she was in.

"Am I allowed to hold you? To lay my hands on you? To kiss you?" I inquired.

"Didn't you just do that?" she teased, smirking.

I had forgotten how difficult it could be to get a straight answer from Bella.

"Okay. Let me rephrase. What would you like me to do during this 'cuddle session,' as you put it? What sort of contact were you seeking?"

I placed her gently on to the bed, pulling the covers over her body, and sat down softly beside her to wait for her answer.

"I just want to be close to you," she admitted. "I want to feel you relaxed beside me, to curl up against your side and drown in the contact, just to prove this is all real."

"It's very real," I assured her quietly.

"Then come here," she requested, patting the bed beside her.

"I can't promise I'll be on my best behaviour," I told her honestly. "I can't promise I'll keep my hands to myself."

"You don't have to. I just want to feel you near me."

I began to slide in next to her, and she flipped the covers away from her body to make room for me.

"No covers though," she stated decidedly. "I don't want anything to come between us."

"I promise you that I won't let anything ever come between us again."

I couldn't keep the intensity out of my voice. It was a promise that I intended to keep at all costs.

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**A/N:** So....swept away? Worthy of needing a cigarette if that's your thing? Please leave a review and let me know how I did with it.

Remember, reviews are better than Edward's shower orgasms. ;)


	47. Choices

**A/N**: Twilight and all of its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

My move didn't go as smoothly as I expected it to. I always think things are going to be easy when the truth is that things are rarely simple or easy. My apologies for the length between updates.

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and every person who has left a review on this story. I am truly grateful for the feedback and your support has meant a lot to me. My intention was always to reply to every single review, and for many of the chapters I have done just that. Unfortunately, I have my doubts that I will be able to catch up completely, life being what it is. I hope you can understand. Please see the author's note at the end of the chapter for some special thank yous.

Multiple viewpoints.

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**BPOV**

"Why are you videotaping me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at Edward and trying not to look too irritated. I patted the bed, inviting him back to me, unwilling to give up the calm of his arms so soon. I wasn't quite ready to face reality. Edward left the bed under the pretense of needing to check on something, but taping me was not the something I was expecting. Besides, as cute as he was, I was not in the mood to be filmed with sex hair, even if he did think it was appealing.

"For Charlie," he answered nonchalantly.

"For Charlie? You really think he wants to see me half-naked in your bed," I snarked.

"Your tank top is on, and he can't tell you have no bottoms on."

"You just told him," I informed him, laughing.

"I suppose I did," he agreed, laughing along with me and turning off the camera. "I guess I'll have to start over."

Edward placed the camera onto the dresser and slid into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. There was no other feeling like the bliss of our bodies connecting. It was like cashmere, or diamonds, or chocolate – the very best of what life had to offer. His arms gave me the security and comfort of feeling like I was where I belonged, the euphoria of being tipsy and the excitement of a first kiss all wrapped up in one. It was love and relief and desire and excitement. It was completion. It was Edward. It was home.

"So why are you videotaping me for Charlie anyway?"

"So he can see for himself that you're okay. It will be a while before you can safely be near him."

"He's my dad, Edward. I'm not going to hurt him," I defended.

"I know you would never hurt him on purpose, but newborns aren't generally known for very good control over their bloodlust."

"How long will I have to wait?" I wondered, hoping it didn't sound like a complaint.

"I'm not sure...when you're psychologically stronger, after you've hunted more and lived this life for a while. We'll know when you're ready."

Even though he sounded sure of himself, I could tell he was putting me off, so I took a guess at his apprehension.

"You're going to test me on another human first, aren't you?"

"Yes," he admitted quietly. "It's the only way to know for certain that you won't hurt Charlie. I know it sounds cruel, but hurting Charlie would torture you, and I won't put you through that."

"I'm going to be so out of control that I would hurt my own father?" I asked, horrified.

"It's possible. I know it's difficult and probably frightening for you to imagine losing control of your own actions like that, especially given how much you care for him. That's why you have to experience the temptation of human blood firsthand, so you'll understand the obstacles you'll be up against. You need to become familiar with the ways your body and mind will be stimulated so you can learn the tricks to moderate your reactions."

"Sounds peachy," I conceded sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

It was impossible to get my head wrapped around the idea of wanting to attack my own father and drink his blood, but I knew I had to trust Edward; I didn't understand the compulsion the way he did, and I didn't want to fuck things up after Edward worked so hard to arrange this second chance for me.

"Sorry," I mumbled, staring up at him with remorseful eyes. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just hard to get my head adjusted to some parts of my new life, like the one where I might hurt someone I love."

"I won't let that happen, Bella. You have my word on that."

He stared back at me with such steadfastness that it was impossible not to believe him.

"I know you won't," I whispered.

"I know Charlie would like to hear from you. Are you ready to call him?" Edward wondered, his concern for me evident on his face.

I was as ready as I would ever be, still struggling with the fact that Charlie was alone. I would have much rather stood face to face with him so he could see I was okay with his own eyes, but I understood that wasn't safe for either of us.

Edward handed me the phone and curled himself around the back of me as I sat up. He was trying to seem nonchalant but he was completely focused on me, and the tension in his muscles made his anxiety obvious. I tried to reassure him I was ready by smiling at him. As I dialed Charlie's cell number, Edward picked up my free hand and pulled my fingers to his lips, kissing them gently. I blew out a big breath, trying to relax myself, and brought the phone to my ear. Without consciously choosing to do it, I began to chew on my bottom lip as I listened to the phone ring. Edward rubbed my back and gave my hand a supportive squeeze.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice was hoarse and hesitant.

"It's me," I whispered. Finding the volume to make my reply sound convincing was impossible. The pressure of everything that had preceded the moment came crashing down on me the second I heard Charlie speak my name.

"Bella," Charlie mumbled, full on sobbing into the receiver.

It was horrible to hear him crying, but I understood the relief he was feeling, and I didn't want him to try to hold it together for my sake. I really just wanted him to be okay, and to comfort him so he wouldn't have to feel alone. As if Edward could read my mind, he whispered into my ear that Alice was with Charlie.

"Is Alice with you?" I asked.

Charlie's sobs continued to echo through the phone, so I pushed myself to fill the silence to give him a chance to collect himself.

"Edward said Alice should be there with you, and I hope she is. You shouldn't be alone at a time like this. You should be with…well, you should be with family," I told him quietly, swallowing hard to dislodge the lump that had formed in my throat. "I'm fine. Edward took care of everything, and I…well, I…I'm okay."

I wanted to tell Charlie the truth right off, but Edward told me I couldn't, explaining that it went against the only rule of our kind – to stay under the radar. The rule didn't meant shit to me until Edward told me Charlie's life would be in danger if he knew the truth, and then it suddenly became the most important thing to me. I didn't want to lie to Charlie though, so finding the right words seemed virtually impossible.

Charlie's sobs started to soften and dwindle as he worked to control himself. He alternated between holding his breath and gasping as he tried to calm down.

"Edward said you went back to Phoenix. I think it was a good way to handle things, so you didn't have to face everyone in Forks. We're in Lake Ozette right now, but I'm not well enough to see you. It's too much for my system to have visitors yet."

The explanation wasn't total fiction. I couldn't see him in my current newborn state. The lie was in the risk; it was his life that was in danger, not mine.

"When can I see you, Bells?" he rasped, beginning to sound much closer to being composed.

"I don't know yet, Char…Dad. I really just called to tell you I was okay so you wouldn't worry. I know these last three days must have been hell for you."

"Hell," he agreed quietly.

"And I'm fine, so no more crying. Crying is for pussies," I added, laughing. I hoped that hearing me joke with him would make him feel better. "The bad shit is behind us, I promise."

"Can I speak to Edward for a moment?" he asked, clearing his throat with a rough cough.

"You don't believe your own daughter?" I teased.

"My own daughter lies through her fucking teeth sometimes, and is dumb enough to think she fools me."

"Ha, ha, very funny. Here he is." I handed the phone to Edward.

"Hello?" Edward greeted.

"Give it to me straight, Edward. Don't pull any punches. Is she really okay?" Charlie wondered hesitantly.

I could hear Charlie's voice as well as if I still had the phone to my ear. I felt intrusive and guilty, like I was eavesdropping, even though the increased sensitivity of my new hearing was simply a part of me now.

"She's fine, Charlie," Edward assured him. "One hundred percent your Bella, complete with cursing, attitude and stubbornness."

I whacked Edward's shoulder for his comment to Charlie, even if it was true. He grimaced and rubbed the spot where I'd hit him.

"Sorry, newborn strength," I whispered, grinning remorselessly.

"Then why can't I see her yet?" Charlie demanded.

"Just as Bella said, her system is still adjusting, and she's not up to visitors just yet."

I knew Edward would be able to convince Charlie that I was okay with his reassuring tone, the same way he always could with me, and it reminded me of how much I owed him. Seeking his forgiveness, I offered my apology in the form of a kiss to the spot I'd hit on his shoulder. Edward squeezed my hand to convey my absolution.

"How much time are we talking?" Charlie asked.

"I'm not sure," Edward explained. "It's too early to tell, but we will keep you well informed."

Edward's answer seemed to alleviate Charlie's worries.

"Can you do something for me?" Charlie asked.

"Of course," Edward agreed.

"Tell her that I love her, and that I can't wait to see her?"

"You could tell her yourself?" Edward suggested.

"Next time," Charlie offered, clearing his throat again.

"I'll tell her. We'll talk to you again soon."

Edward closed the phone and whispered Charlie's words to me.

"Charlie wanted you to know that he loves you and that he can't wait to see you." He kissed the top of my head and then pulled me closer to him. "I know it's hard," he murmured. "It's hard for both of you, but it will only be hard for a little while."

*****

At Edward's request, Alice arrived the next morning. She was happy to see me, making a beeline for me as soon as she came through the door and pulling me into a super tight hug. Edward had mentioned that she never doubted his ability to change me, but she wasn't smug about it, just content and positive.

"Hey, Bella. What took you so long?" she teased.

"Oh, you know, just taking my time becoming immortal is all. You can't rush these things."

"I'm glad you're okay," she told me softly, "but I was always sure you would be."

"We don't all have the gift of clairvoyance," I mocked. "And Edward took good care of me."

"Yes, he did," she agreed, spinning me around and looking me over from head to toe. "Good job, Edward."

Edward rolled his eyes at her, but grinned in spite of himself.

"I'm grateful that she's still here with us," he affirmed.

"And this life seems to agree with her," Alice decided with a smile before she turned back to me. "Come on. We have loads to discuss."

Alice brought clothing and money, and, most importantly for me, contacts to change my eye colour. At least with the contacts we could film me to send something to Charlie that would give him some peace of mind without making him think I had become a possessed psychopath from a B horror movie.

I played the part of the sick patient as well as I could. I stayed in bed with the covers tucked in around my body and tried to look tired and lethargic. At least looking pale was simple. Edward came to sit on the bed with me while Alice filmed us. He was better at playing the part than I was, remembering to say plenty of reassuring sentiments to the camera, things like I was looking better, that I'd gotten a good night's sleep and that I was happy. I did a lot of smiling at Edward and the camera, and tried to echo some of the things that Edward said. We kept it short, just enough time to show Charlie that I was alive without giving away too much. We all knew my acting skills were not stellar.

Alice only stayed the morning, promising to take the tape back to Charlie as soon as she got back to Forks. We talked a lot before she left, and she made me realize just how many decisions Edward and I had ahead of us. There were so many things to be careful of. As always, nothing with Edward and I was ever simple. The difference now was that Edward and I were a team, and we could decide our future together.

*****

Over the course of the next couple of months, Edward and I found a new place to live. We headed to Canada, to a place called Prince Rupert in British Columbia. He swears he chose it was because he knew someone in the area, but I still think he chose it because of its proximity to the nearby Port Edward. I made a big joke out of it, pretending it made him feel important, and I constantly razzed him about it.

Prince Rupert was a small city, located on an island, with just over twelve thousand residents. Truthfully, the place reminded me a lot of Forks, not only in size but in weather conditions. It was cloudy a lot, which made it easier to go outside and pretend we were normal. The mainland that flanked the island was mostly Indian reserves and provided us with anonymity and ample hunting grounds.

We found a small farmhouse for sale in the middle of nowhere. It was a perfect location – no nosy neighbours to wonder too much about us, but close enough for us to drive into town when we needed something. Edward took me hunting every two or three days, trying to help me hone my skills and keep my thirst satisfied. We always hunted at night so we wouldn't be around any humans, even accidentally. He was very careful to keep me safe and protected.

With the school year coming to an end, Alice and Jasper were planning to come and stay the summer with us. Emmett planned to visit, too, although I suspected Rosalie would talk him out of it if the opportunity arose. I wrote to Esme and invited Carlisle and her to come as well. I could tell that Edward was missing his family and I hoped that my personal invitation might convince them to come.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" Edward whispered, coming up behind me and smoothing his hands over my shoulders.

"Sure," I agreed.

"Good. There is something I wanted to talk to you about."

He took my hand and led me out back, heading through the field towards town. He was talking so animatedly about the upcoming visit with his family that I didn't realize how close we'd gotten to town. When the scent hit me I stiffened, and suddenly I knew exactly what Edward had planned.

It was barely there, just a hint of it brought in by the gentle breeze that was blowing. I let the appealing aroma settle into my palette. I didn't need Edward to tell me what the scent was. Instinct told me I'd never smelled it before, and my sense told me it was forbidden to me.

"It's overwhelming, isn't it?" Edward prompted me, no doubt watching me and trying to discern my reaction.

I closed my eyes, bracing myself and locking my knees, and tried to push away what my instinct was trying to get me to recognize. The scent was controlling, caressing my tongue as I struggled against it. My body reacted against my will, my venom gushing, my throat burning, and my muscles coiling like a spring.

"She's too far away for you to hurt her," Edward told me in a quiet and reassuring tone.

I wondered how he knew she was female, or how far away she was; as if he'd planned this even more carefully then I was aware of. My mind was focused on the smell and it took all of my energy to keep myself still.

"I can hear her mind," he continued. "She's just a young girl, about fourteen, thinking about a boy at school and how she might get him to notice her."

She was innocent and naïve, and it was easy to empathize with who she might be, or might become. I forced myself to imagine what she might look like and tried to use the knowledge that the scent belonged to this young girl to somehow change its appeal for me. I didn't want to find it appetizing, but it was.

"It's much more difficult to consider attacking someone when you humanize them. A deer is just a deer, simple prey. It's almost impossible to think of a human as prey when you think about the lives that intertwine with theirs."

Edward was almost musing now. I was still controlled by the scent, morally battling with my nature. He pulled my chin up, forcing me to look at him.

"She is the light of her father's life," he told me.

I knew he wanted me to make the connection between this young girl and myself, and not in a faithless way. He just wanted to prevent me from acting on my impulses, to persuade me to see her for who she was, not merely as a source of blood. I looked up at him, at his compassionate and non-judgemental eyes, and felt completely undeserving of his trust, because I would attack this girl. I would kill her and take her away from her father. My instincts would take over where my will failed if I allowed myself one more moment to waiver. Her scent was just too much for me to handle. I turned and ran, not only from the smell of her blood but from Edward's belief in me. He would be ashamed of me if he knew how much I wanted to indulge my bloodlust. I ran for the farmhouse, running faster than I should have allowed myself to be seen, but I didn't care. Killing that girl would be far worse than getting caught, I was sure of it.

I hid in the bedroom, curling up in a ball and drowning myself in guilt and shame. I could understand Edward's aversion to this life now much better than before, why he wouldn't want it for me, and why he had trouble accepting what he was. It was hard to see goodness in yourself when murder was in your mind.

Edward gave me a few minutes to myself before he came and found me. He didn't say a word, just tucked himself in around me and held me. I had the urge to push him away, feeling entirely unworthy of his affection, of anyone's affection, but he wasn't to blame here, and I refused to make him feel like he'd done something wrong.

We laid there over an hour. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds as it disappeared beneath the horizon, announcing to the world that the night had arrived. I watched the shadows advance outside the window, wishing they'd take me along with them to the secret place they hid away in while the sun was on the other side of the world. At least there I couldn't hurt anyone.

"You won't agree with me, but you're stronger than you think you are," Edward finally whispered. "I wasn't physically restraining you or holding you back in any way. You could have gone searching for her, you could have found her and attacked her and maybe even have killed her, but you didn't. You made the choice to turn away to keep yourself from hurting her. That took an immense amount of strength and courage to make that decision."

"I couldn't take her from her Dad," I mumbled repentantly.

"I know," he explained softly. "You'll get used to the way it stimulates you. It's not as simple as willpower, but it is almost always as simple as a choice to do the right thing."

I rolled over to look at him, hoping to borrow some of his confidence in me, plus I wanted him to see the fear in my eyes. I didn't want to keep it from him.

"What if the next one has no family ties? What if you aren't there to tell me who she is, or to stop me from hurting her?"

"You saved yourself today. You didn't need my help, but if you ever do, I'll be there right beside you to give you whatever you need."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. I'll be right there beside you, for forever."

I smiled at him, trying to believe that his faith in me was enough for the both of us, but I felt no courage or fortitude.

"And just so you know, I would have done everything within my power to stop you from hurting the girl today, even though I knew you wouldn't need my help."

"Thank you," I whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "It helps to hear that you would have tried to stop me from hurting someone."

"Just as you would do for me, I will always do whatever I can to keep you safe and happy. Perhaps when Alice arrives you can talk to her about it and ask her what she foresees for your future. Though I have to warn you, her visions are not perfect. Every decision affects the future, so Alice's visions are often unreliable, and she is not always able to see every danger."

"Still, it's something," I mumbled, feeling a little bit calmer with the idea of Alice's gift to help guide me. "When will she be here?"

"Three days. Are you looking forward to the visit?" he wondered.

"I am," I told him decidedly. It would be great to see Alice, but it would be even better to see Edward's happiness. I knew how much he missed his family. He deserved some kind of reward for the sacrifices that he'd made, and I hoped that would include a visit from his parents. "Have you heard from Esme or Carlisle?" I inquired.

"Nothing yet. Perhaps they haven't finalized their plans yet."

"Well I hope they can make it up with Alice and Jasper."

"Me too."

*****

**EPOV**

There would be no perfect moment, and I wasn't foolish enough to believe in one, only in the opportunity for a well planned and executed strategy. I had exhausted every avenue of analysis while I constructed the plan, but in the end, the outcome rested with Bella. I had great faith in her strength, and even though Bella saw herself as weak and uncontrolled, I fiercely believed that she was ready to face her father.

Alice and Jasper were due to arrive in a few hours. I had purposely avoided telling Bella that Esme and Carlisle would follow shortly after. For my plan to work, I needed her relaxed and focused on my siblings, rather than absorbed in the excited anxiety of anticipating my parent's arrival. It was better if she knew nothing of their visit, or of the fact that they would be bringing her father, for as sure as I was that Bella would do well around Charlie, I was even more sure that she would undermine herself before she ever gave herself a chance if she knew he was coming to visit. I wasn't overlooking the danger the situation posed to both Charlie and Bella. I had my bases covered. Emmett would accompany Jasper and Alice. Between the three of us, my two brothers and I would surely be able to combat Bella's newborn strength, and Esme and Carlisle would be waiting in the wings to whisk Charlie away in the event of an emergency. Everyone knew their job, and both Charlie and Bella would be amply protected.

I would further support Bella's fragile state by making sure she fed gluttonously just prior to their arrival. Alice was in close contact with me. I was on top every moment before it happened, and I would do everything within my power to shepherd Bella as closely as possible.

"Why don't we go out and hunt one last time before Alice and Jasper get here?" I suggested nonchalantly.

"What's it been like five minutes since we hunted?" Bella joked sarcastically.

"It's been less than a day," I conceded, "but better we don't have to bother ourselves with the worry of hunting while we have company."

"It's not as if we have to hide it from them. They'll have to feed just like we do, won't they?"

"Alice and Jasper have a thorough understanding of their bodily requirements. It's not uncommon for them to go two weeks between hunts."

"Seriously?"

"Yes," I assured her. "Besides, I know you're still quite shy about hunting. I wouldn't want you to feel as if you were on display in front of my brother and sister if you need to feed. One last hunt can't hurt."

I felt caddish for picking on her insecurities. She was still quite bothered by the fact that she couldn't hunt as neatly as I could. I needed her thoroughly satiated to protect her though, and keeping her safe was much more important than a moment of self-conscious chagrin.

"I know you're right, but I don't even feel thirsty."

As she spoke, her eyes moved from my face to the ground and her voice became timid. My words had shaken her confidence more than I intended, but I couldn't relent. I had to make her see my idea as a good one.

"I think it would be best to hunt one more time before our guests arrive," I coaxed. I could see the submission on her face as my words registered.

"I'd rather crawl into bed and have my way with you than drag myself out of the house to hunt," she hedged, a last ditch effort to try to change my mind.

"While your offer sounds entirely tempting, I think our time would be better spent feeding."

"So that's where I fall in the line of things, eh? Feeding and then sex?" Bella teased, trying to hide her disappointment from me.

I needed to re-instill her confidence, as it was especially important today, and I was sure that I could give her what she requested.

"Everything else in my life falls in line _behind_ you, and that includes feeding. I think, if we are focused and don't dawdle, we might have time to satisfy both desires."

"Now that's an offer I'll take you up on," she agreed enthusiastically, rising to her feet and coming to stand beside me.

I bent forward to kiss her forehead, but before my lips met their intended mark, Bella grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the door.

"Come on, Romeo. We've got prey to catch before sun up."

"I think we can take time for one small kiss," I complained, pretending to be upset by her actions.

"You're not fooling me, Edward. You're the one who said we had to concentrate on feeding, so you're the one who will have to wait to kiss me," she quipped, sticking her tongue out at me as she pulled me out the door.

*****

"Again," she pleaded in a soft whisper. I could feel her breath on my skin as she panted shallowly into my neck, trying to regain control of her body. She was limp on top of me, and she was exactly where I wanted her to be. Beyond the bliss of our current position, Bella was confident, relaxed, and in the moment, emotionally centered and fulfilled.

"Our guests will be here very soon," I murmured repentantly, knowing I couldn't give her what she wanted.

"What guests?" she challenged, playing innocent and snickering.

"I can hear Alice's mind already, and Jasper's, too. They are getting close, not even fifteen minutes away."

"Just fifteen minutes?"

Bella raised her head to look at me. I could see the excitement in her eyes, and nodded in agreement.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted you to have what you needed," I replied honestly. She didn't need to know that keeping her busy was a bonus of making love to her, and I had thoroughly enjoyed my task.

With a soft kiss on my cheek, she rolled off of me and slid off the mattress. I watched her as she moved about the room, delighting in the view and in the buzz of Bella's excitement. After she gathered her clothing, she carefully laid the pieces she'd selected on the bed beside me and settled down at her dressing table. My eyes were glued to her exquisite reflection as she brushed her long hair with careful strokes.

"Aren't you getting up?" she wondered, glancing at my reflection in the mirror.

"I don't need but a moment to dress, and I'm rather enjoying watching you."

"It was your idea to get out of bed," she reminded me with playful disapproval. "I would have gladly stayed in bed and ignored the door."

"You don't really think I believe your false immodesty, do you?"

"Me, immodest?" she teased, her eyes wide and innocent.

"Yes, you," I agreed, slipping out of bed under the pretense of getting dressed. I had to touch her. She was too beautiful to resist.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied in mock indignation, biting her lip to stop herself from smiling.

I wrapped my arms around her torso and pulled her tightly against my chest, listening for the quiet gasp that always left her lips when our skin met. She didn't disappoint me.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," I teased playfully, burying my face in her freshly brushed hair to kiss her neck. "You would not only be unable to ignore the knock at the door knowing Alice was on the other side of it, you would leave me mid-act, unfulfilled and begging for your touch just to get to her."

Bella laughed a loud and joyful chortle.

"But I'd pay you back later," she bargained, oozing sweetness from her smiling lips.

"Or I'd make you pay," I suggested casually.

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

"Take it any way you wish," I whispered quietly against her ear, meeting her eyes in the mirror as she appraised the honesty of my expression. "Whether you offer payment freely or I have to work for it, I will never get enough of you."

I smiled as I felt her tremble against my chest, her attempt to shake off the shiver my admission had caused, and kissed her neck one more time. Grabbing my clothing off the back of the chair, I left her to her primping and went to dress in the bathroom. I needed to check in with Carlisle anyway.

A quick phone call assured me that my father was on schedule. Keeping up their human façade, he and Esme had departed from Forks yesterday with Charlie, and stopped for the night just outside of Prince George. After an early start, they would arrive within about thirty minutes of my brothers and sister. Without the scrutiny of Charlie's eyes, Alice, Jasper and Emmett didn't have to keep to the speed limit or pretend they needed to rest and had elected to drive straight through. I could hear Alice's mind clearly as she and Jasper debated the correctness of the directions from the GPS. Even after all of their years together, Alice still didn't see that Jasper pushed her buttons on purpose. I laughed to myself as she complained that he didn't trust her instincts. She was such an easy mark.

"What are you laughing at?" Bella wondered as she joined me in the living room.

"Jasper and Alice are arguing over the GPS directions."

"Let me guess…Alice thinks the GPS is wrong?"

"Exactly, and Jasper is…" Bella cut me off.

"Jasper is giving Alice a hard time for the sake of entertainment."

"You've noticed that?" I asked, surprised.

"Jasper's not the only one who finds it entertaining." She smiled a wide and happy smile at me.

"Would you like to wait on the porch? They'll be here any moment."

She scooped my hand and tugged me towards the front door.

"I'll take that as a yes."

I stood behind Bella and wrapped my arms around her, holding her while we waited in silence. I could almost feel the excitement bubbling through her body and that made it easy for me to stay relaxed as my plan commenced.

"I have a surprise for you," I whispered.

"Emmett?" Bella squealed, turning to smile at me as she recognized the jeep that was pulling in. She wiggled out of my arms and ran for the truck.

Alice flitted out first, before Jasper had even come to a full stop, and launched herself into Bella's waiting arms. I think Bella was even more excited to see Alice than I was, or perhaps I was simply more focused on the visitors that would follow Alice. Jasper parked and quietly came to stand beside me, allowing Bella and Alice some privacy for their reunion. Emmett followed suit, giving Bella and Alice a moment before he emerged from the back seat. Once he got out, Bella threw her arms around Emmett's neck with such exuberance that it took me off guard. As Jasper turned to look at me, I heard everything Bella was feeling in his mind. I hadn't factored in what Emmett's presence would mean to Bella. Merely by being here, but also in choosing to go against Rosalie's wishes, Emmett was giving Bella the validation she needed. It was like he was agreeing with who she was and what she had become. Finally, Bella came to Jasper and hugged him in a gentle embrace, whispering a soft thank you close to his ear. Although Jasper didn't outwardly show it, he was flattered by her sincerity. I quickly hugged Alice and Emmett and then put my arm around Jasper's shoulders, happy to have them there but concentrating on what was to come. Bella walked to the house arm in arm with Alice, talking and gesturing animatedly. I let them move away from us so she wouldn't hear me speak.

"How is she, Jasper?"

"She's very happy, Edward. Peaceful even. She's in very good emotional shape. You're sure she's ready for this?"

I didn't blame my brother for having doubts. He understood too well how easy a mistake could occur around a human.

"I wouldn't put Charlie in any undue danger. Bella is more than strong enough to see him, even if she doesn't know it."

"You're taking a big chance, Bro," Emmett decided. "But who doesn't love a good bloodbath once in a while?"

Jasper whacked Emmett in the back of the head before I had the chance to.

"What?" Emmett asked, a confused look on his face as he rubbed the base of his skull.

"We're trying to be positive here, Emmett. It's no time for joking," Jasper scolded.

I could hear the remorse in Emmett's mind but he didn't express it out loud.

"Chill, Jazz. Edward said Bella is ready so she's ready. I wouldn't bet against her."

"I'm not betting against her," Jasper defended. I raised my hand to cut him off.

"You don't need to justify your behaviour, Jasper. I respect your experience in this situation and appreciate your cautious approach." I turned to my other brother. "Emmett, your laid back manner is exactly what Bella needs right now. I know she's pleased you're both here."

"When is Carlisle due in?" Jasper inquired.

"He'll be here in about fifteen minutes," I estimated. "Until then, we need to keep Bella happy. It's imperative that she doesn't know what is coming."

"That means you need to knock off the teasing, Emmett," Jasper stipulated. "You'll weaken her self-possession without meaning to if you're not careful."

"Damn it, Jasper! Will you give me a little bit of credit? I'm not an idiot. I know how important this is. I'm not going to say anything in front of Bella."

They both thought of Bella as a beloved sister, as part of our family. It was strange to hear the alteration in their thoughts given their qualms with her when Bella first came into my life, although no stranger than the immense change she brought in me I supposed. I broke into their conversation, interrupting them before they got any angrier at one another.

"Gentleman, let's go find the girls, shall we? Our energy would be much better spent on them than each other."

I led them into the house, finding Bella and Alice sitting in the living room.

"Bella, why don't we sit outside?" I suggested.

She looked up at me, one eyebrow quirked in surprise, and I wondered what was going through her mind, fearing I had drawn attention to my plan without meaning to.

"The day is already warm and there's more seating on the patio," I explained, working quickly to justify my suggestion by downplaying its emphasis.

"Good point," she acknowledged, smiling at me.

I breathed a mental sigh of relief that I hadn't tipped my hand to her. Her first meeting with Charlie since becoming a vampire was better held out of doors, where his scent couldn't be trapped and intensified by the four walls of our living room.

Carlisle was close, not more than five minutes away, and hailing me frantically to alert me of his location and imminent arrival. He wasn't alarmed; merely wanted me amply prepared. I saw the images of his arrival flip through Alice's mind. She appeared calm but her thoughts betrayed her worries. Jasper, so attuned to his mate, engulfed us all in his gentle calming influence. It was Jasper's way of telling Alice not to worry, and I smiled at him to thank him. Not only would it decrease Alice's stress, it would help to extend Bella's peaceful state at well.

We all made our way outside. I was carefully monitoring everyone's thoughts. Jasper was contemplating which chair Bella might choose so he could determine where Alice would sit. Alice had already seen the seating arrangement and was lingering back so I could set my plan in motion. I pulled out the chair that flanked Emmett and offered it to Bella. Alice knew I wanted Jasper at my side and discreetly finessed Jasper's hand to her chair so he could pull it out for her, leaving an empty chair for Jasper to take once he'd finished helping her. On the surface, the scene was all very natural, nothing more fantastic than a family sitting down at a table to chat. I stood behind Bella, my hands caressing her shoulders lovingly. I was too anxious to sit. Carlisle would be pulling up in before I knew it.

"I love you," I whispered, bending to Bella's ear so I could speak softly. I had picked an inopportune moment for doubt and remorse. It was too late to change what was coming. It had been too late the second I granted Charlie the permission to visit. Perhaps the decision had been weakness on my part, knowing how difficult it would be to live without his daughter had I been in his shoes, or a moment of condemnable egotism that I could protect her no matter what. I was sure that Bella was mentally strong enough to deal with the situation, but what if she wasn't emotionally ready to be put into it? Conceit had made me sure that she would thank me for the opportunity in the end, but what if she was angry with me for putting Charlie at risk?

"I love you too," she whispered, smiling sheepishly as her eyes darted around the table to the faces of my brothers and sister before they locked on mine. I recognized the look in her eyes. It was more than trust and happiness, and the true peacefulness I saw there moved me beyond my guilt. These faces, mine included, were the ones that gave her life meaning, and within moments I would be able to give her the sense of completeness that she lacked by returning her to her father.

"I have a rather large surprise for you," I announced. My father was just pulling into the driveway.

Bella's eyes were still focused on mine and I saw the flicker of excitement erupt in them. I took her hand and pulled her up to stand beside me, walking her around the table so the breeze was blowing from behind her. I wanted to keep her blind to her father's presence for as long as possible. Alice had seen the slight alteration in my plan and gently persuaded Jasper to follow me. Emmett moved to stand several feet away from us, ready to be the physical intermediary if the situation required it. We were all calm and focused on Bella.

Her eyes were filled with wonder as they searched mine for some hint of what I was referring to.

"Are you happy with our life?" I wondered rhetorically.

"Of course."

"I want you to have everything you need to make it perfect."

"It is perfect," she insisted stubbornly, misunderstanding my intent.

"It can't be perfect until you have your father back," I whispered.

"I'm not ready for that yet though," she decided before she questioned the idea more thoroughly. "Am I?"

"You are," I assured her, and spun her around to face the spot where her father would appear in mere seconds.

She sampled the air as I expected she would, and I felt her stiffen ever so slightly in my hands as she assessed the mixture of aromas carefully.

"Carlisle and Esme," she murmured. Her voice was so soft I knew I wasn't meant to hear her words, but I answered her anyway.

"Yes, and they've brought the biggest surprise of all."

At the same moment that Bella trusted her instincts enough to believe she recognized his scent, Charlie and my parents rounded the corner of the house.

"Dad?"

Charlie stopped dead in his tracks, tears instantly welling in his eyes as they fell upon the sight of the daughter he almost lost.

"Bella."

He forced her name out roughly before his tears began to fall. Esme's hand moved to Charlie's shoulder, softly patting it to comfort him.

The gravity of the situation pressed down on me but I intentionally refused to acknowledge it. I couldn't afford to be emotional and risk losing control of myself. Charlie represented the one bit of normalcy from her human life that I could still give to Bella, and I couldn't let my fear destroy this opportunity for her. Instead, I surrendered to circumstance, focusing on what mattered most to me, Bella. I relinquished everything else to my family, even the supervision of Charlie.

Time seemed to halt somehow, each thing around me manifesting distinctly and significantly in my mind.

Although I registered no change in her, my hands tightened on Bella's shoulders reflexively and I braced myself for her response. I felt a spate of calm settle in around us and, for a split second, I worried that I was not reading Bella correctly, that I was somehow failing to notice the difficulty she was having with her bloodlust. In the same instant, I heard the struggle in Jasper's head, his thoughts calling the all too familiar burn of his thirst to the forefront of my consciousness. He was anticipating an obdurate explosion of Bella's innate appetite, although his response was as much for himself as it was for Bella and Charlie. He went over and over every emotional current that radiated from Bella, absorbing and analyzing each emotion, growing more perplexed with each sample. He was confounded by her nominal instinctual response, particularly since even after all this time he was still internally tortured by the scent of human blood.

Like a stone sentry, Emmett remained stoical and patient, wholly focused on Bella as he waited for her reaction. My parents were silent on either side of Charlie. Esme was lost in the tenderness of the reunion, while Carlisle's thoughts and expression projected his optimism towards a favourable outcome for all parties involved. Charlie was lost in grief. Even though he'd spoken to Bella and seen videos of her, he had refused to believe she was truly okay until he finally saw her for himself. He was taking in every detail of her, recreating her image in his mind to prove to himself it was really Bella. Alice was already sure of the future and whispered her guarantees about Charlie's safety and Jasper's competence to Jasper, too quietly for anyone to hear. I only heard the sentiments in her mind. Jasper's focus shifted back to Bella and I felt a second stronger wave of calm engulf us as his confidence returned.

The moment Bella began to advance to escape my hands it became impossible to stay calm. In a panic, I slid both of my arms around her torso to hold her to me, trying to still her. I redirected my energy towards counteracting the physical movements of her body so that I could protect her from hurting Charlie. The remotest parts of my mind continued to survey everyone around me.

Charlie saw my arms encircle Bella and to him it looked like an affectionate gesture more than the cage it was intended to be. Emmett bent his knees and readied to spring so he could use the full force of his strength against Bella if she broke free from my hold. Carlisle's once cautious thoughts began to crumble and reveal his fears that I could not control the situation. He began to consider initiating the emergency plan of action we had discussed, stopping short of physically restraining Charlie from moving forward, but only because Charlie seemed frozen in place. Esme held tightly to the goodness in the situation – to Charlie's vast love for Bella and all of the sacrifices he'd agreed to so selflessly to keep his little girl in his life, to the life altering changes that Bella had endured without her permission and the enormous strength she had shown in accepting them, and to my deep and enduring bond with Bella. For Esme, the situation had to work out. There was no other outcome but a positive one. The interaction between Bella and I had shaken Alice's confidence and she retreated inwards to search through the next few moments of time for something she might have missed.

Only a second of time hand passed.

Bella began labouring against the confines of my arms. I tightened my grip on her as much as I could without hurting her, silently begging for her to relax with the desperation of my grasp. I couldn't say anything aloud without alerting Charlie, and that was the last thing any of us wanted. I furiously scanned Alice's mind as she searched the future, looking for the outcome of our endeavour so I could decide my next move. Jasper held a defensive stance, shielding Alice with his body. He had discarded the plan entirely. Alice's safety was his only concern now and I couldn't fault him for that. He wanted to protect his mate the same way I wanted to protect mine.

Emmett took a step forward. His manner was casual but his thoughts were tense. He was blind to the information that Jasper, Alice and I had gathered and believed Jasper's stance meant I was losing my hold on Bella. His eyes followed the movements of my arms as he tried to assess the stability and cogency of my efforts. A low warning growl left Jasper's lips, but it was drowned out by the noise of Charlie's crying.

Carlisle's hand moved to Charlie's other shoulder. He wanted to comfort Charlie but he also knew the position gave him physical control over Charlie if he needed to get Charlie out of the situation for safety reasons. Poor Charlie was a mess, shoulders hunched and shaking as sobs poured out of him. He wanted to be strong for Bella but the wall of fears that had been holding him together had crumbled. Spent and unsteady, he fell to his knees. Esme bent down to him and put her arms around him, whispering kind words to soothe his turmoil.

Bella was still resisting the incarceration of my arms, twisting her body against mine in an effort to free herself. It was becoming increasingly difficult to neutralize Bella's actions. My movements felt awkward and clumsy, my body lacking its normal fluidity. As I struggled with holding Bella still, I noticed Jasper's posture relax out of the corner of my eye. There had been no indication in Alice's visions that I could let down my guard. I was still fighting the instinct to hold Bella tighter, and the urge to flee from the potential danger was overwhelmingly strong. It was my fault she wanted to hurt Charlie and my responsibility to ensure she didn't do something she would regret. I reminded myself that she had to face Charlie, yet the only thing I could think of was removing her from the current situation for her own protection.

Bella's body felt heavy against mine and I knew her strength would overpower mine soon. I wasn't sure what had kept me in control thus far save for sheer will. I was considering a verbal plea when Alice called to me in her mind. She was pushing strings of images at me, but they only reinforced what I already knew. Charlie was extremely upset and Bella was gunning for him. I had to find a way to hold Bella back until she was calm and sure of herself. She would never forgive me if I allowed something bad happen to Charlie.

"Edward."

Bella's quietly stern voice broke through my concentration. It was not strained or uncontrolled as I expected it would be.

"Let me go, please," she requested respectfully.

I paused to consider her appeal and in my stillness realized that her body was inert. She wasn't fighting me any longer; her body was virtually limp in my arms as she allowed me to hold her up. Part of me wondered if she was trying to trick me into releasing her. It didn't feel right to let her go. It went against my instincts.

'It's okay, Edward,' Alice assured me silently.

She showed me her vision again, but this time I scrutinized it more carefully. Bella was hugging Charlie. They were both smiling, and while Charlie had tears running down his cheeks, he seemed joyful.

Without completely unlocking my arms, I loosened my hold on Bella and she turned to face me.

"I'm okay, Edward," Bella whispered, using the quietest of voices to ensure only I would hear. Her eyes were filled with honesty.

I looked at her, feeling bewildered and afraid, functionally unable to let her go.

"I'm only thinking of you…of Charlie," I murmured, hoping she'd understand that I couldn't risk her happiness by letting her go.

She seemed to understand.

"Check with Alice, please," she pleaded softly, glancing over at her friend quickly before her eyes went back to her father who was falling to pieces in Esme's arms.

Alice pushed her vision at me again, slowing it down so I would pay closer attention, focusing on the movement of my hands. The images replayed again and again, my hands straining against Bella's body. I didn't understand what she was trying to show me.

I looked into Bella's eyes again and recognized the same peaceful look I'd seen earlier. Knowing how much she loved Charlie, I knew she couldn't feel peaceful if she was afraid of hurting him, so why was she looking for Alice's assurance? The picture of my hands on Bella flashed again in my mind and I tried to connect it to what was happening. What made my hands on Bella so significant?

I felt as if I couldn't trust anything, not even my own instincts, so I checked Jasper's mind, sure that he wouldn't be able to disguise Bella's intentions. Jasper's thoughts were cautious and circumspect, swimming in the emotions projected by everyone – Esme's compassion, Carlisle's integrity, Charlie's grief-ridden relief, Emmett's impatience, Alice's assuredness, and his own astonishment. The two strongest emotions were love and peacefulness. The notion confounded me.

The strongest emotions were coming from Bella and myself. If she was the one who was peaceful then the love had to be emanating from me, and that seemed wrong. I felt afraid and anxious and frantic, not loving. The love that Jasper was reading was affectionate and cherishing and devoted. The only amorous emotion I could associate with easily was ardency, but in a fierce and vehement sense, not in a passionate sense. My sole purpose was to protect Bella and it was my grave duty to fulfill that responsibility.

Bella twisted her arms free from my hold and brought her hands to my face. She held my cheeks tenderly, gifting me all of her kindness and understanding with her manner and in the way she looked up at me.

"Did Alice show you that I won't hurt Charlie?" she asked.

There was something in her tone that stood out to me. It was significant, perhaps more so that the actual question. She wasn't asking me to tell her whether or not she would hurt Charlie. She was asking if Alice showed me that she did not hurt him.

"Yes, " I admitted quietly. "But I'm still wary of letting you go. I know you don't want to hurt him."

"He was never in danger," she told me with great confidence. "I know you only held me back because you love me."

Her words confused me further. I held her back so she wouldn't hurt her father. While I couldn't deny that love was the driving force behind my actions, it was the last thing on my mind when I wrapped my arms around her torso to keep her from lunging at Charlie.

"I was only trying to prevent you from doing something you'd regret," I mumbled.

Bella nodded in recognition of my words but said nothing, her eyes patient and expectant. There was something more she wanted me to understand, that much was clear, but that was the only thing that was clear to me.

I re-examined Bella's words, trying to figure out what I had missed. She had asked me if Alice had shown me that she would not hurt Charlie. She was sure she wouldn't hurt him, that he was never in danger. I understood Bella's statement to be one of desire, not fact. She had no way to know what Alice had seen, but she was sure of Charlie's safety regardless. What she really wanted to know was if _I knew_ of Charlie's safety.

It was easy to understand why Alice was sure that Bella wouldn't hurt Charlie; she could see the future before it happened. I had taken the images Alice had shown me as a warning not to let Bella go since Alice was focusing on something that happened prior to Bella and Charlie's hug. If it wasn't a warning then what was she trying to get me to see?

The image of my hands holding tightly to Bella replayed in my mind. I studied how my hands grasped at her body, pulling her against me and clutching at her desperately. My hands. Alice was trying to show me that the answer was in that image. I searched Alice's mind, separating her visions from what she had seen with her eyes, as she had been watching Bella and me carefully. At first, Bella seemed to be one step ahead of my movements, but as I studied the images as they repeated more slowly, I realized that her body was not really astir. The dynamics of her movements were in response to the force of my arms and body. The image of my hands on Bella's body finally clicked with the intent of Bella's statement.

"But you didn't need my help. Charlie was never in danger because you were always in control of your thirst," I whispered, realizing my role in the altercation. I had overreacted. I was so concerned with protecting Bella that I didn't give her a chance to do the right thing. For a brief moment, not more than a few seconds to those who were watching, I had forgotten the courage and fortitude that Bella possessed, and once again she showed me how amazing she really was.

Again, Bella nodded, a gentle smile on her lips.

"But if I hadn't been in control, your actions would have saved Charlie and me, and I think you know how much that means to me."

It still felt strange to let her go, but I did just that, letting my hands fall away from Bella's body so she could go to Charlie. She kissed me softly before she went to her father, and I watched as she wrapped her arms around him in a loving embrace. She whispered assurances, repeating that she was okay over and over again until Charlie finally raised his head and agreed with her. I didn't need Jasper's abilities to feel the joy that radiated from both father and daughter. I could see it in the way Charlie's eyes wrinkled at the corners because of his wide smile and hear it in Bella's laugh.

Somehow, beyond logic and reason, Bella was absolutely fine with Charlie. Perhaps, just like it had been for me, love moved her beyond her thirst and the instinct dissolved into nuisance in the face of it. Or maybe, as in so many other ways, Bella was the exception to the rule. Either way, she was where she belonged, stuck somewhere between the human and vampire worlds, keeping the same secrets as the rest of us but lucky enough to have a father who loved her enough not to question the oddities.

I watched from across the patio as the tender words and gestures passed between Bella and her father. In fleeting distracted moments, Charlie was thinking about how to thank my parents, but for the most part his mind was wholly focused on his daughter and the enormous relief brought by knowing she was okay. Charlie was so grateful to have Bella in his arms and back in his life that the changes in Bella's appearance barely registered, and certainly not in a negative fashion. He attributed the majority of the variances to Bella simply maturing. I suppose the last few months apart from her helped to veil her exact image in his memory.

Jasper and Alice had fallen back from the group, trying to give Bella and Charlie some privacy while still remaining nearby in case of an emergency. My parents remained close to Charlie. Carlisle was still in a cautious state of mind but Esme was simply glowing with happiness. Emmett chose to stay at Bella's side; his buoyant personality soaking up the jovial atmosphere created by the reunion with her father. He was content to watch them in silence, dismissing even the remotest chance of danger caused by Bella losing control. It was much more difficult for me to remain on-guard with Emmett's carefree thoughts in my head.

I was still focused on Bella, enjoying her smiles and the serenity she radiated. I was happy for her, but I wouldn't feel that same peacefulness until I was able to apologize for my behaviour. I knew she understood and that she was not angry with me for overreacting, but I was angry with myself. I didn't want her to think I had no faith in her. I had simply lost sight of my faith when I let my fear rule, but if anyone understood how fear could control someone, it was Bella.

Charlie's mind shifted to the gift he'd brought for Bella, and I heard him excuse himself to get it from the car. The token was a silver filigree heart locket that he bought with a particular sentiment in mind. The sterling silver represented Bella's strength and the delicate scrolls and arabesques symbolized the intertwining of their lives. It was a beautiful piece that I was sure she would love. Bella waited for Charlie to disappear around the corner of the house and then walked over to me.

"You sneaky little shit," she whispered.

"Can you…" Bella cut me off before I could say anything more.

"Don't even say it," she threatened in a low tone, even though she was smiling from ear to ear.

"Say what?"

"That you're sorry."

"But I am sorry."

I slipped my hands around her waist and pulled her against me, needing the physical connection to her to express my remorse in a tangible way.

"You did nothing wrong."

"On the contrary. I overreacted. I let my fear get in the way and behaved as is I had no faith in you."

"How strangely human of you," she mocked playfully.

"I don't want you to think I don't believe in you."

"Edward, I know you believe in me. Hell, you believe in me more than I do."

"My behaviour was atrocious. It was inconsiderate and reprehensible."

"And if I had made one false move? Would your actions be considered to be quite so irresponsible then?"

"But that's not what happened."

"It's what could have happened so easily, and what I feared would happen! The situation is not so black and white, Edward. It could have played out a hundred different ways. You were trying to protect my dad and stop me from doing something I couldn't control. How can I fault you for that?"

"I could have made better choices."

"When the choices count, you have always made the right ones."

I wasn't sure I agreed with her. I felt as if I'd made so many bad choices over the months. In my selfish desire to love Bella, I exposed her to a dangerous world without her knowledge and kept secrets that hurt her deeply. From the moment I met her, I only wanted to spare her the hell of what I was, and, in the end, my choices and actions precipitated exactly the end I wanted to avoid. I didn't regret having her with me, or changing her so she wouldn't die, but I did regret that it wasn't her choice.

Even today I had taken a great risk with Bella's happiness by allowing Charlie to visit without her knowledge. If today had gone badly, I could have lost Bella forever, and she would have been well within her rights to despise me for putting Charlie in danger. Perhaps letting Charlie visit was a poor choice too, although it was hard to see it as one in hindsight. Bella had her father back, we had each other, and there was nothing left to fear.

There was risk in every step of our journey together. When I first met Bella, there was risk in just being around her. Now, it was the antithesis of that; the risk was in being without her. With every choice there was risk, but for every risk, there was reward. When I gave my heart to Bella, when I took chances to be close to her and to love her, when I kept my secret and told my truths, with every choice I made, _she was my reward_, and she was worth every risk.

**BPOV**

Edward had done it. He'd given my father back to me just like he promised to do. Feeling grateful to him didn't seem like enough. How do you thank someone for saving you from yourself? How do you express your gratitude to someone for seeing the best in you when you couldn't see it yourself? How do you repay someone for loving all of you, for fixing the broken parts and making the good parts better?

"I may not have always made the right choices, but the choices I made I did so for the right reason," he offered.

"And what were the right reasons?" I challenged.

"Every choice I made was because I love you."

"You love me?" I teased playfully.

"I do," he assured me softly, smiling and kissing my forehead gently.

"Thank you for giving me my father back. I owe you."

"You owe me nothing," he refuted stubbornly.

"I owe you _everything_, and you'll just have to suck it up and let me try to pay you back."

"And if I refuse?" he mused.

"Silly old vampire, and I stress the word 'old,' I'll still be stronger than you for at least a while longer. If you force me to hold you down so I can repay you then so be it." I couldn't keep myself from giggling.

A wide smile spread across his handsome face.

"I'm always at your whim; the holding down would simply be a bonus, but we'll have to talk about that later. Charlie is on his way back."

"I love you, Edward," I whispered softly, hoping the quiet tone of my voice brought more intimacy to the words. "If it takes forever, I'll never stop trying to show you how much you mean to me."

"Or you, me," he murmured, pressing a kiss to my lips.

"That'll be enough of that mushy romantic crap," Charlie announced, rounding the corner of the house into the backyard. "Just because you love the guy doesn't mean the rest of us want to see your PDAs."

"Okay, Dad," I agreed reluctantly, pulling away from Edward's kiss but staying in his arms. "Let's call it what is though, shall we? You're just jealous because you're not getting laid."

"Definitely still our Bella, Edward, complete with attitude just like you said."

"Fuck you."

"And cursing," Charlie and Edward said in unison.

I grinned remorselessly and shrugged.

"You guys wouldn't recognize me without the expletives."

*****

Choices are a fickle thing. It's easy to take them for granted, but they can change on a dime or disappear in the blink of an eye. It took my mom's death to wake me from that delusion. When she died, the smorgasbord of choices that had always lived at my fingertips dissolved away into dust, and my whole world slid out of focus. For the first time in my life, I felt real fear, and it took a hold of me and wouldn't let go.

In the absence of choices, I felt backed into a corner. I looked at the singular option as the enemy; like there was no way that it could work to my advantage or be good or right in any way. I felt forced into it. I felt controlled by it. I felt trapped by it.

But I was looking at it wrong.

I might not have been able to control every choice in my life, but I sure as hell had choices I could control. I had the choice to make things better for myself. I had the choice to take risks. I had the choice to live.

Edward was the one who made me realize that I wanted more. He made me understand that living in fear was no life at all. In that way we were alike, living a half-life. I guess, for us, two half-lives made a whole.

Given the chance to go back and do things differently, I wouldn't change a single one of my decisions. I understand now that I was on the path that brought me to Edward. I was never one to believe in fate or karma or even have faith. In fact, I used to believe that crap would happen just because it could. After what I'd been through the last year, it was difficult to ignore the faith that had evolved in me. I trusted Edward and what we had together. There were no doubts. I would spend the rest of my life loving him and trying to show him how much he meant to me. I wasn't afraid any longer. I was meant to be with him.

I don't know exactly what the future holds for Edward and me. I don't think we're supposed to know every step of every journey, regardless of what Alice believes. I know I won't be alone. I know I'll have Edward and that I'll never take him or Charlie or the Cullens for granted. The rest will work itself out somehow. With Edward by my side I'm ready to face whatever comes. Sometimes you just have to fly by the seat of your pants and enjoy the journey. Life is about the journey.

It's about choices.

* * *

**A/N**: Writing Out of Choices has been a really cathartic learning experience for me. I've made some friends, I've shed a few tears, and I hope that I've become a better writer. I couldn't finish this story without making a few special thank yous…

**Mad4Hugh** – Your never-ending support has meant more to me than you could ever understand. Thank you for always being there and making me believe in what I was doing.

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To my perfect reviewers: **Coxie**, **Timmer**, **JasmineMarie84**_ & _**Capricorn75**_, _ – You have amazed me by reviewing ever single chapter. Wow! I feel honoured. Thank you for all of the support over the months.

To those who have continued to come back to this story with each chapter, thank you for taking the time to read the story and leave so many wonderful reviews. You guys are awesome. Some of you I have gotten to know a bit through PMs and posting at the Twilighted(dot)net OOC thread. I feel blessed to have such loyal readers! Thank you for all the encouragement!

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